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Macbeth: A Modern Comedic Translation free porn video
Characters:
Three Witches, the Weird Sisters
Duncan, king of Scotland He has a slight sleeping problem; he tends to find himself waking up with daggers in his chest. Also, he often sees phantom daggers pointing at him. Go figure.
Malcolm, the eldest son of Duncan
Donalbain, Duncan's younger son No one cares about him. He isn't important. Ignore him. Really.
Macbeth, thane of Glamis Has this "knaves to chaps" thing going on. Really likes to kill people, but then again, who doesn't?
Lady Macbeth Wears the pants in the relationship. Just a little psycho.
Seyton, attendant to Macbeth Why is he in here? Oh come on, does he even qualify as a character? Wishes his name was Satan so that he wouldn't have to correct people's pronunciations.
Three Murderers in Macbeth's service Well this just kind of ruins the play, doesn't it? Thanks for giving away the good parts.
A Doctor He's not important enough for a name.
A Gentlewoman As opposed to a Roughwoman?
A Porter Hehehe. He has a bladder control problem. Please steer clear of the porter at all times. Approach at your own risk. Do not eat the yellow snow.
Banquo, commander, with Macbeth, of Duncan's army
Fleance, his son He's a worm. Supposed to become a serpent. How? No one knows. Because you know, you see worms becoming serpents every day. Yep. Totally normal.
Lennox Not an operating system. Scottish nobles (thanes.)
Ross Not a character on Friends.
Angus Not a steak, nor a hamburger.
Menteith
Caithness
Siward, commander of the English forces
Young Siward, Siward's Son You know you have a big part when you are called "Siward's Son." You're not destined to die like a red shirt on Star Trek. Nope.
And Others (Did you expect me to actually type all of those insignificant peons out?)
ACT ONEScene 1
(Because you wouldn't have guessed that the first scene was Scene 1.)
First Witch
When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
Second Witch
When the hurly-burly's done... wait just one minute. What kind of evil character actually says the words "hurly-burly," honestly?
Third Witch
Hey, you were supposed to say "when the battle's lost and won" so that I could say "that will be ere the set of sun." You've just ruined the rhyme scheme. Terrific.
First Witch
Why do we have to rhyme anyway? And why do we have to meet in bad weather anyway? This is murder on my hair. I just put this nice of Cream of Toad in.
Second Witch
It's all part of our evil image. We have to appear spooky.
First Witch
Why?
Second Witch
Because we're the evil masterminds! We have certain things we must do!
Third Witch
About that... I have been talking to the union recently, and there are no stipulations in my contract that require me to cackle every time I laugh, or to have these fake warts all over me. If I'm going to keep doing this, I'm going to need a raise.
Second Witch
Witches don't get raises! They don't have unions, and they always have warts!
First Witch
Why?
Second Witch
...
Third Witch
You know, we should get a holiday. I mean, we can't even take Christmas off. Something about Christians and not suffering witches to live. I think that's discrimination.
Second Witch
...
First Witch
Can we just say our lines and get out of here already? I heard something about some young girl killing witches over in Oz, and I want to go check it out.
Second Witch
Fine. On three... One, two, three...
ALL
Fair is foul, and foul is hair,
Hover through the fog and filthy air.
Scene Two
Trumpet sounding. Enter King (Duncan), Malcolm, Donalbain, Lennox, with Attendants, meeting a bleeding Captain.
Duncan
What bloody man is that? He can report, as seemeth by his plight, of the revolt the newest state.
Malcolm
Didn't we warn you about the royal speech thing? I mean, come on, a man is standing there covered in blood, looking like he is about to die, and you state the obvious in flowery language. Who talks like that? "As seemeth by his plight"... right. Get over the Yoda language and talk like a human being.
Duncan
Shut up. I am the king, I speak how I want to.
Malcolm
Sighing. Fine. The "bloody man" is a sergeant, who fought with me. Come on, sergeant, tell the king about the battle.
Captain
I'm a captain! I'm not called a bleeding captain for nothing you know! I work for years to become a captain, and here you are calling me a sergeant...
Malcolm
Why me? Fine, captain. Just get on with it!
Captain
Mutters. Not as if I'm hanging on by a thread or anything, you know, covered by blood and all... Clears throat.
We almost lost the battle. Macdonwald, who is really evil and all, was beating us. Then Macbeth cut him down his middle.
Duncan
Is that it? I kind of expected a long speech.
Captain
I am frigging covered in blood! What the hell did you expect, a fifteen line soliloquy! It's hard enough to say the word, much less to come up with one off the top of my head!
Malcolm
Technically, in a soliloquy you are speaking to yourself. This wouldn't qualify.
Duncan and Captain
Shut up.
Duncan
Does everyone insist on annoying on the king today? Just continue.
Captain
Norway's leader came with men and arms to support the traitor. Macbeth and Banquo fought them off. They're heroes and all that jazz. Can I get a doctor now?
Duncan
I have to get in the last word first.
Yours words become thee as thy wounds: They smack of honor both. Someone get him a doctor.
Captain
Muttering again They don't smack of honor, they smack of the need for a great deal of opium. But why bicker over semantics?
Enter Friends Character and The Good Cut of Beef- erm, Ross and Angus
Duncan
Who comes here?
Malcolm
The worthy Thane of Ross.
Duncan
Whence cam'st thou, worthy thane?
Ross
Huh?
Malcolm elbows Duncan
Duncan
Where did you come from?
Ross
From Fife, where Norway and the traitor, Thane of Cawdor, had taken over. We achieved victory though.
Duncan
Good. Give Cawdor's title to Macbeth, and kill Cawdor.
Ross
Right. Because you know, Banquo is completely unimportant and for some reason deserves no honors even though he was on the battlefield with Macbeth...
Duncan
Who is king here anyway?
Ross
Well, this is supposed to be a tragedy, and you are the benevolent leader in the highest seat of power... so I am guessing it won't be you for long.
Duncan
Damn.
Ross
Yep.
Scene 3
Thunder. Enter the three Witches.
First Witch
Why are we the three witches? We control this entire play, and we are just called "three witches" or "weird sisters." Can't we get names?
Second Witch
We're not supposed to have names. We are supposed to be completely unified.
Third Witch
That doesn't sound fair. Every other person without a name in the play is a kid, or someone who dies, or has almost no lines, or all three.
Second Witch
Fine. What do you want your names to be?
First Witch
Broom Hilda.
Second Witch
How unique.
Third Witch
I've got an idea! Let's be unus, duo, and tres. I mean, every movie with Witches in it uses Latin for the spells, so our names can be Latin for one, two, and three!
Second Witch
We are first, second, and third witch. Stop with this nonsense.
First Witch
I'm Broom Hilda!
Third Witch
And I'm tres!
Second Witch smacks her sisters.
Second Witch
Pull it together! We are just witches! Got it?
Third Witch
Some more than others.
Drum.
A drum, a drum!
Macbeth doth come.
Are you happy? I even rhymed!
The first witch looks at her script.
First Witch
I am not dancing in a circle hand in hand with you two. Isn't happening.
Enter Macbeth and Banquo.
Macbeth
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.
Banquo
How far is 't called to Forres- Woah! Man, look at these women! I thought I'd dated some of the lowest ones on the scale, but these girls peg in at negative fourteen! I mean, for Christ's sake, they have beards and warts! Not to mention noses like trigonometry problems, double chins down to their stomachs and the fact that they are ugly enough to make a mule back away from an oat bin. You know, I never forget a face, but in their cases, I think I'll make an exception.
Second Witch
Are you quite finished? We kind of have a job to do here.
First Witch
All hail, Macbeth! Hail to thee, Thane of Glamis!
Second Witch
All hail, Macbeth! Hail to thee, Thane of Cawdor!
Banquo
The tautness of their faces sour ripe grapes, and...
Second Witch
Shut up!
Third Witch
All hail, Macbeth, who will be king soon.
Banquo
Hey, Macbeth, why you do look so surprised and scared? I mean, hey, according to these pugs you're going to be king! What about me anyway? You uglies have any predictions for me?
All Witches
Hail!
First Witch
Lesser than Macbeth and greater.
Second Witch
Not so happy, yet much happier.
Third Witch
Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none. So all hail, Macbeth and Banquo!
First Witch
Banquo and Macbeth, all hail!
Banquo
Well, that was about as clear as a politician's view on mud. If I wanted double talk like that, I would have consulted my lawyer.
Macbeth
I know I am Thane of Glamis. Or at least, I think I do. I might have taken a few bad blows to head during the last battle. But how of Cawdor? The Thane of Cawdor lives, a prosperous gentleman, and it seems impossible for me to be king. Where do you get these strange ideas from?
Witches vanish.
Macbeth
That's inconvenient.
Banquo
Wow. You haven't done any drugs recently have you, because I haven't seen anything like this since my teenage days, munchin' on insane root. Maybe those brownies this morning had an extra ingredient in them.
Marisol
- 29.11.2021
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