Midlife Breakthrough
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June 18, 1988, Chicago, Illinois
“White belts, except for Jessica, with Sensei Steve!” Sensei Jim barked after everyone had lined up and we’d done our exercises.
This had been the pattern for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings as well. Jessica stayed with the main class, while I took the other white belts into the small practice room to work with them. I’d asked Sensei about it after class on Monday and he said that Jessica was almost ready to move up, and now that she was coming regularly, he’d test her soon. The other white belts were all relatively new, having had fewer than twenty classes each. Usually, they’d work with the main group after twelve to fifteen classes, but a couple of them were only coming once a week which didn’t allow for enough training, even though they’d been to enough classes.
Melody was coming three nights a week, plus Saturdays, and Will and Jacquelyn were coming two nights a week plus Saturdays. The other four white belts usually only showed up on Saturdays or one night during the week. For this session, I was going to have them work on the first kata. My new students hadn’t seen it yet, and of the others, only one man, Geoff, could even remember all the steps. I felt a bit awkward with the two students who were nearly twice my age in the class, but I had the black belt, which in theory commanded respect, even if Geoff and his wife Lorna didn’t seem to have any for me personally.
I demonstrated the 21 steps of the Heian Shodan to the class, and then one by one, moved through the steps with each student. There wasn’t enough room even in the larger classroom for more than two students to do Kata simultaneously. The small classroom was even more cramped, but I managed. Of the seven students, only Melody, Nellie, and Pinky, whose real name I didn’t know, seemed to care enough that I thought they’d actually succeed in karate. Geoff and Lorna didn’t pay close attention to me, and both Will and Jacquelyn still had their bad attitudes.
I didn’t know that I could do much about the adults except continue to try to teach them, but I felt that I could certainly find a way to reach Will. Jacquelyn was a different story altogether. From what I could tell, she hated the world and wanted nothing to do with anyone. She’d made it clear that she was only here because her mom forced her to come. I’d have to think about that one, but I came up with an idea to reach Will. I’d have to clear it with Sensei after class.
“Do you have a moment?” I asked Sensei Jim, after he dismissed everyone.
“Sure, what’s up?”
“Will. I think I need to change up the normal training system to get him interested.”
“What did you have in mind?”
“I know this doesn’t come until right before testing for yellow belt, but I’d like to teach him to break a board with both a kick and punch. I honestly think that’s way more important for him than kata. He’s only seven, and the whole mental discipline and physical fitness bit is lost on him.”
Sensei Jim nodded, “So you think a little excitement will bring him around?”
“Compared to his Nintendo? We haven’t got a prayer!” I chuckled.
“He’s your student. If you need to change the methods to reach him, by all means, do so, as long as you can be safe and you’re sure he’s not going to go home and try the techniques on his little brother or sister!”
“I’ll be careful!”
“What about the others?”
“Melody is fine. I think she can move to the main class at any point. Nellie and Pinky just need to come more often, but I guess that’s up to their parents because they’re only ten and eleven. I should probably speak with them. Geoff and Lorna have no business being in a dojo. I don’t know that there’s anything I can do to reach them. They barely respect the belt and they certainly don’t respect me. I’ll do my best, but that’s my opinion.”
He nodded, “They wouldn’t be the first adults to come in here and be asked not to come back. That’s why I structure the contracts the way I do. You make the down payment as a white belt, and the rest is due after you achieve yellow. That way I don’t have to mess with refunding money. You didn’t mention Jacquelyn.”
“I’m not exactly sure what her story is, but she’s angry with the world right about now. It could be she’s just a disaffected teenager who has no use for adults, or it could be something else. She listens, and she attempts to do what I show her, but she’s not motivated. I’ll have to figure that one out.”
“Only self-motivation works. Will’s problem is that his parents make him come here. If you can convince him to WANT to come here, he’ll do just fine. If you can’t, we’ll talk to his parents about finding something different for him. As for Jacquelyn, find a way to motivate her, and I think you’ll see some success. But, in the end, it’s up to her.”
I nodded, “OK. I’ll think about it.”
Jessica, Stephanie, Melody, and I left the dojo together and walked down the street, with Melody turning to go to the dorms while we turned north to head for home. After a quick shower and a quick lunch, we dressed for Jeremiah and Sharice’s wedding. Joyce was going with us, and we were leaving all the kids with my sister and Josie, because Jennifer and Elyse were joining us as well.
“Ready?” I asked my wives.
“Are you sure it’s OK to leave Birgit?” Kara asked, sounding concerned.
“I’m sure,” I said. “I’ll bring you home right after the wedding and then Jessica and I will go to the reception. That means you’ll be gone for less than two hours. Josie and Stephanie will take good care of her, Honey. And you’ve seen Jesse around her. He’s like her personal bodyguard! He’s not going to let anything happen to her!”
“He’s two!” she protested.
“Going on thirty-two!” Jessica added.
That about summed up Jesse, who acted more like an adult than quite a few adults I knew. He was an odd kid, but there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. Everyone loved him, and he could carry on conversations with adults better than most kids that were four or five years older. I helped Kara gather up Birgit’s things, and we went downstairs. Joyce was waiting with Joseph, and she, Elyse, Kara, and I took the kids back to the coach house where Josie and Stephanie were waiting.
“I want to go to the wedding and dance!” Jesse protested when we brought the other kids in.
“Not today, Jesse,” I said. “You’re going to be a big brother and take care of the babies with Aunt Stephanie and Mama Two. Kristin is here also, and you like her!”
“I want to dance!” he insisted.
“Jesse, Mama Two will put on some music and you can dance with Kirstin and Matthew.”
“Cool!” he said,
Josie, Jennifer, and I exchanged a look. The kid was a handful, and never missed an opportunity to try to get things to go his way.
“You realize he’s plotting a coup, don’t you?” Jennifer asked as we all walked back to the house.
“Kurt said the same thing!” I chuckled. “I just have to stay one step ahead of him.”
“I’m going to teach him to play chess,” Jennifer said. “That’ll force you to get back into the game because I know your ego well enough that you won’t want to lose to Jesse!”
“Now that’s downright evil!” I laughed. “I didn’t realize you missed playing chess with me that much! We could play like we did for your birthday?”
“You wish!” Jennifer laughed.
“That’s right!” Jessica said, giggling. “Jennifer invented strip chess!”
“Yes, to try to put little rich-bitch Becky van Hoek in her place. You can see how well THAT worked out!”
“She’s turned into a lovely young woman, Jen,” I said. “And she’s no danger to any of you in any way, shape or form.”
“Somehow I missed a lot of this back in the day,” Joyce said. “I think I need to talk to you girls tomorrow!”
“I’m SO dead,” I groaned.
“Well, if you hadn’t decided to fuck every single woman in this conversation, you might have fewer problems, Studly!” Jennifer laughed.
“Studly?” Kara giggled. “I like it!”
“Oh, God no, it’ll go straight to his head!” Joyce objected. “He already has an ego problem! Don’t make it worse!”
“Hmm, Studly,” I said, stroking my neatly trimmed beard.
“Now you’ve done it!” Jessica laughed. “Forget it, Tiger. What does the dyke know about studs?”
All the girls laughed. Jennifer had occasionally used that term for herself in jest, even though it really didn’t fit her.
“Uhm, girls, I do believe of all of the women here, I fucked him first!” Jennifer smirked.
“That’s only because Melanie isn’t here!” Elyse laughed. “She got him before you!”
“I know! Who do you think I got him from?”
“I think I need to talk to you girls more,” Jessica said with a grin. “I know I don’t have the full story!”
“Only Bethany does,” Jennifer said. “She’s the one you want to go to for all the juicy details of your husband’s past. Well, or his sister, but that would be like trying to get a Mafioso to break «omertà»!”
I sensed, more than heard, Joyce stifling a laugh, and hopefully, I had kept my own chuckle to myself.
We filed out of the house and split up between my car and Jessica’s car, for the drive to the church that Sharice’s dad pastored. It took about twenty minutes to get there, and we found a very crowded church parking lot, swarming with people.
“I don’t mean to sound this way,” Elyse asked. “But are we the only white folks here?”
“Probably,” I said. “This is a black gospel church, and Gerald Brown once commented to me that a lot of whites refused to do business with him on account of race. This city is still pretty racially segregated. Look at Bridgeport. Heck, look at Hyde Park and Kenwood for that matter. We don’t have too many black or hispanic neighbors. It’s changing, slowly, but it’s very slow. And you saw what happened in the first election for Harold Washington. The whites voted almost as a bloc for a reject from a mental hospital! Bernie Epton against any other Democrat might have polled 5%. Instead he got something like 48%!”
We got out of the car and waited until Jessica pulled in next to us, then Joyce, Elyse, Jennifer, Jessica, Kara, and I followed the throngs into the large brick building. Gerald Brown was standing in the vestibule greeting people as they entered, so we walked over to where he was. There were more than a few stares, but I ignored them and warmly shook his hand.
“Thanks for coming, Steve! And thanks for bringing your ladies and your friends.”
He had never once referred to Kara and Jessica as my ‘wives’ but I didn’t begrudge him that. He was a very conservative, religious man, and had some very clear opinions. He’d never once treated me badly, but I knew that deep down, he disapproved of my situation. I totally understood it, and I was grateful that he’d never once let it get in the way of our friendship or our business dealings.
“Gerald, this is my friend, Joyce Tarrance, who’s also Chairman of the Board of Directors of NIKA Consulting. She lives near Cincinnati. You know the others.”
“Yes, of course! Hello Jessica, Kara, Elyse, and Jennifer! Good to see you!”
“You did a lovely job on the house, Mr. Brown,” Jessica said. “The sauna is amazing!”
“Thank you! How are things at the hospital?”
“Very good, thank you. Congratulations on the wedding!”
He smiled, “Jeremiah has been waiting for this day for a long time! He and Sharice have dated since they were teenagers. Her daddy is pastor of this church.”
“Is there someplace specific we should sit?” I asked. “I’ve only been to a protestant church a couple of times so I’m not really that familiar with how it works.”
“Just find a seat in any of the pews, and when people stand, you stand, when they sit, you sit. Mostly you sit during the sermon and when the choir sings, and stand when we pray or the people sing. We don’t kneel like Catholics do. And our preacher wears a suit, not fancy robes. Only the choir has those.”
“Got it,” I said. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome! The reception is in the basement about an hour after the wedding ends.”
“OK. I have to take Kara home after the wedding, but I’ll be back for the reception.”
“Oh, that’s right! She just gave you a baby girl!”
“Yes, she did!” I said, and Kara beamed.
We were, as Elyse had observed, the only white people in the church. And other than some sideways glances from people who might have thought we were lost or confused, everyone was friendly and helpful. The wedding didn’t follow any kind of liturgy that I could detect - just a series of songs by the choir, some free-form prayers by the preacher, some congregational songs, a sermon about marriage, and then the wedding itself, which did follow more or less traditional forms. Sharice looked beautiful in her traditional white dress with a long train and veil. Jeremiah could have been on the cover of GQ, with his perfectly tailored tuxedo. And Sharice’s dad, the pastor, couldn’t have looked happier.
When the wedding service ended, Kara and I snuck out so that I could drive her home. I was glad to have a few minutes to talk with her, because I wanted to bounce some thoughts off of her.
“There’s a new white belt at the dojo - a sixteen-year-old girl who seems to hate the entire world. I’m trying to figure out a way to reach her. I have a similar problem with a seven-year-old guy, but I think I just need to teach him how to break boards and he’ll come around. But I don’t know how to reach Jacquelyn.”
“Tell me about her.”
I described what I knew, which was scant, but included her attitude, how she looked, and how she acted.
“You know who you’re describing? Tracey Jones. I mean before you got together with her.”
“You think Jacquelyn is an outcast at school?”
“It sure sounds like it, at least from the little you’ve said. It wouldn’t surprise me. Think about how nasty Michelle Bateman was to Tracey. And really, not just her, all the girls. And the guys wouldn’t give her the time of day. After you, she got together with Marty, lost some weight, and from what you say, had a great time at Ohio State. Her whole life changed because she stopped hating herself.”
“Yeah, but how do I fix that in THIS situation?” I asked.
“Well, if what you did for Tracey is off the table, you need to find a way to build up her self-esteem. Make her feel worthy, I guess. If you’re asking about giving her the Tracey treatment, it would mean you had to find her desirable and it doesn’t sound like you do. I’m not suggesting one way or the other, just reminding you what you did to help Tracey.”
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March 1980, Hovås/Göteborg, Sweden I woke early as usual, but just enjoyed being in bed with Katt. When she woke, she hopped out of bed and pulled a robe out of her closet and handed it to me. “There’s a spare toothbrush in the bathroom. Go have your shower, then we’ll have breakfast after I have my shower.” I quickly showered and brushed my teeth, and went back to Katt’s room. She went to shower and came back a few minutes later. She dressed, and I got a very good look at her sexy body...
April 5, 1997, Chicago, Illinois “You missed cuddles this morning!” Birgit said accusingly when I walked into the house about 9:30am. “I know, Pumpkin, but I had a work emergency and had to go see Aunt Joyce and Grandpa A.” “And now we have to get ready for karate!” “I know. We’ll have some family time this afternoon. I don’t have any plans.” “Good!” I hugged her and the rest of the kids, then went to find Kara. We hugged and kissed, and went straight upstairs to get ready for...
September 3, 1989, Chicago, Illinois “Good morning, Sensei,” I said, bowing to Sensei Jim. “Good morning!” he said waving me to a chair in his office. “How was your trip?” I asked. “Enlightening. I spent most of my time acting as a manservant to Sensei Robert and Sensei Hiro.” “He who will lead, must first serve,” I said. “Someday, I’m going to send you to Sensei Hiro, should he live long enough. You understand.” “Does that mean you are now 6th Dan?” I...
October 29, 2000, Chicago, Illinois Birgit followed me as far as the stairs, then scooted upstairs when I went to the front door and opened it. “Hi!” Sophie said. “Hi!” I replied and held the door open so she could come into the house. I closed the door behind her then led her to my study where I waited until she went in, and then walked in, closing the door behind me. I nodded to one of the wingback chairs, she sat down in one, and I sat down in the other. “Is something wrong?” she...
August, 1983, Chicago, Illinois I walked in the near 90°F heat to Carla’s place. I was grateful that the humidity of the morning had dropped significantly; otherwise the heat would have been unbearable. By the time I walked up the steps to the apartment over the photography studio and knocked on her door, I had broken into a light sweat. Carla answered almost immediately and invited me inside her studio apartment. The air was moderately cool, and the window air conditioner was running full...
July 1982, Milford, Ohio On Tuesday morning, I kissed Kara goodbye and headed to my parents’ house for my usual morning routine with my little sister. She was happy that I could spend the morning with her and asked to take a walk, so we weren’t in the house with my mom. “Let me guess — this walk will end in the clearing,” I said with a smile. “Yes,” she said, taking my hand as we walked down Overlook towards Klondyke. As usual, we turned around and walked back, taking the path to the...
March 13, 1994, Chicago, Illinois “Hi, Steve!” Ailea said when she opened the door. “Hi,” I replied, accepting the offered hug. There was no touching of lips, just of cheeks, and I wondered if I’d misread her intentions at her birthday lunch, or if, perhaps, she detected my reluctance to return the offered affection. “Lunch is ready, so go ahead and sit. I’ll bring it in from the kitchen.” I went to the low table, sat down, and a minute later, Ailea brought miso soup and sushi, our usual...
April 3, 1997, Dallas, Texas “Remember what I said about drinking too much,” I said, as I poured bourbon into three cups. We’d stopped at a liquor store, bought a bottle of Blanton’s, and then returned to the small suite I’d reserved at the Westin. Deborah’s room was down the hall, and Krissy’s was two floors below. Krissy’s comment had caught me a bit off guard, but I hadn’t reacted visibly. I didn’t know her quite well enough to know if she’d been teasing with Deborah, so I was being...
March 28, 1991, Chicago, Illinois “This day belongs to you, Kara!” I said when the three of us woke on Thursday morning. “Happy birthday!” Jessica said. “Thanks,” Kara replied happily. “I think I’d like an amazing birthday fuck from our husband, and then a nice loving shower with my wife!” Kara said. “Do we have enough time?” I asked. Jessica giggled, “I set the alarm for thirty minutes earlier!” “Then let’s not waste any of it!” I said pulling Kara to me. Kara’s squeals as I plunged...
September 4, 2000, Chicago, Illinois On Monday morning I went to my study to make a surreptitious call to ensure that the surprise I’d planned for Kara was still going to happen, and after confirming that it was, Jesse, Matthew, Michael, and I began preparing for the Labor Day party by getting beer and soda into coolers, getting the grill ready, setting up tables and chairs in the backyard, and ensuring the liquor cabinets were stocked while my wives and daughters worked on food prep in the...
September 1, 1987, Chicago, Illinois “I heard that you have some kind of plan to help Ed,” I said to Connie. “There’s no plan,” she replied. “A witness who saw the shopkeeper alive after Ed left came forward.” That sounded convenient, and I wondered if the witness was real or someone that Anthony had put forward to solve the problem. Certainly, the videotape was real, because I couldn’t imagine how Anthony could have faked that, but the witness? Who knew? “So is he being released? Or is...
August 17, 1997, Chicago, Illinois We finished lunch and Marissa and the younger kids went to play, but Natalie sat with the adults to talk, with coffee, tea, or soft drinks. The Sarcus were very comfortable, but the Heaths were still struggling. But, vitally, they hadn’t left and hadn’t insisted Natalie leave the group. “Can you explain how you developed this attitude and approach?” Chris asked. I nodded, “It started when I was just a bit younger than Natalie. My mom was a total control...
July 1979 — Falkenberg, Sweden On Friday, when I got back from my run, Pam was in her bra and panties again. I whistled at her, she giggled, then finished dressing. I showered, and we went to breakfast and finished up our last day. Once class was done, we were pretty much free. On Saturday, we’d have several optional activities and then on Sunday we’d head back to our host families. After dinner on Friday, I took Pam’s hand and we walked towards the river. It was quiet and peaceful, and...
July 1980, Over the North Atlantic We reached cruising altitude, and I settled back to read my book. Pam raised the armrest between us, snuggled close to me and read as well. The cabin crew offered drinks, and I had my first Coke in a year! Meal service began about an hour and a half into the flight. After the cabin crew picked up the trays and offered drinks again, they passed once more, offering headsets for the movie. Trevor and Maria took them, but Pam and I didn’t, instead we turned on...
July 8, 1997, Chicago, Illinois “Is it really that surprising?” Leah asked. “I suppose not,” I replied. “I just didn’t read too much into the kiss on the cheek.” “I didn’t think it was a good idea to kiss you on the lips with all those people around, because I had no idea who they were or what they would think. You were VERY careful with our dance, so I kind of followed your lead.” Which showed very mature thinking on her part. Both of these girls were exactly the kind of students I...
November 8, 1993, Chicago, Illinois A dark fog swirled before my eyes as I tried to take stock. My head hurt, badly. I felt something on my face and realized, dimly, it was an oxygen mask. My right hand was uncomfortable and I recognized the feeling of an IV and pulse-oximeter. My left arm ached fiercely. On my chest I felt the pads and wires of an EKG. I didn’t feel anything else wrong as I continued taking inventory. I tried to open my eyes, but the fog didn’t clear. I tried to speak, but...
August, 1983, Chicago, Illinois In the morning Anala and I ran as we had the previous time, then showered together, carefully washing each other’s bodies in an intimate but non-sexual way. After our shower we went to the kitchen and I made breakfast and we sat down to eat. “Steve, may I make a suggestion?” she asked. “Sure.” “Broaden your circle of friends. Other than me, all of you are white, nominally Christian, 20-year-old Americans. And you don’t invite me to your Sunday...
June 23, 2000, Chicago, Illinois “Steve,” Kimmy said over the intercom, “I have a Suzanne Aavik for you.” “Thanks,” I replied. “Put her through, please.” A few seconds later, Suzanne was on the line. “Hi!” she exclaimed when I greeted her. “I’m in Chicago for three weeks. Can I still run away and join the circus?” I chuckled, “You might want to find out what the circus is actually like before you join! If you’re free, you’re welcome to come to the house tomorrow or Sunday and meet the...
March 1979 Monday was back to the normal routine of school. Debbie Courtney, who lived across the street and had turned fourteen the last week in February, started flirting more with me on the bus each day. Debbie Vaughn, who lived just down the street, would turn fourteen on March 16th and invited me to her birthday party. And Donna Woody, who lived just down the street in the other direction, would turn fourteen on March 20th. She had made it clear what she wanted for her birthday, and in...
June 2, 1990, Chicago, Illinois “My office, please,” Sensei Jim said after class on Saturday. I followed him to his office and waited for him to bid me to sit. He did, and I sat in the usual chair across from him. “She has a real problem, you know that, right?” he asked. “I do. That’s why I insisted she start seeing a counselor.” “I run a huge risk having her here with that kind of temper and her violent acts.” I nodded, “I understand. May I ask what you intend to do?” “I really don’t...
February 21, 1991, Chicago, Illinois “Hi, Sweetheart!” I said, greeting Bethany at the door. “Uncle Steve!” Nicholas exclaimed. I took him from his mom and he hugged me tightly. “Is Jesse with his moms?” Bethany asked. “Yes. They won’t bring him back over tonight so you and Nicholas can surprise him in the morning.” “Perfect!” “How was the drive up?” “The same as usual. Just a bit of traffic in Northern Indiana. Otherwise, smooth sailing. It was driving the other direction that was a...
November 4, 2000, Chicago, Illinois “Good morning, Sensei,” Miyu said when Kara, the girls, and I walked into the dojo on Saturday morning. “Good morning, Miyu.” “Do you have a moment, please?” I nodded and we went to the small practice room for privacy, as Sensei Jim had a family in his office. “What can I do for you?” “I need you to meet a young man,” she said. “I think you might be taking this ‘not do anything without permission’ a bit too far!” Miyu shook her head, “No, I’m not....
May 1979 The limo dropped me at home about 9:00pm. I took my stuff to my room, stripped, and hung up the tux. The rest of the things went into the hamper. I took a shower, put on shorts and a t-shirt, and walked down the hall into my dad’s office. I saw no reason to put this off any longer. “Stephen, you need to explain yourself!” my mom demanded. “I was in Mrs. McGrath’s, well, Mrs. Sanders’ now, wedding, as I said.” “You walked her down the aisle! You’re sixteen and not even related to...
November 3, 1990, Chicago, Illinois “I still don’t understand why you told everyone to leave Katy alone last night,” Elyse said on Saturday morning. “Because we weren’t going to talk her out of it. I could tell by the way she told us. I hoped letting her sleep on it would allow her to hear what we had to say. Obviously I was wrong.” “I was surprised that she wouldn’t talk to Jennifer at all,” Kara said. “I thought Jennifer would be the one to get her to listen to reason this morning.” I...
February, 1983, Chicago, Illinois Our first joining since the previous summer was slow and sweet, trying to express our deep love for each other through the motions of our bodies. When we finished, Karin held me tight and refused to let me move off of her. “Sleep there, please,” she whispered. I kissed her once more then adjusted my pillow so that I could rest my head next to hers. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, but it was what Karin wanted. The feel of her firm body under mine,...