ResonanceChapter 11
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We kicked back into the school routine. Ever pleasant was pulling into my driveway at the end of the day and seeing Haley coming across the lawn. As she'd indicated, she fell right into the classwork. Her visits were, for the most part, exactly that, our social time, with a few bumps of academic content.
First week: "Mister Bill, they're just reviewin' stuff from last year in math. I don't think this teacher even knows where we were last year. It's like we backed up half a year."
I knew there were holes in the education system. "Remember, baby," I said, "the teachers have to deal with a lot of kids, and a lot of 'em didn't do real well last year, and I can guarantee that they didn't crack the book a week before school to make sure they hadn't forgotten things.
"I know," she said, pouting slightly. "I just feel cheated."
Some of the time we did the 'homework' thing out under the shade tree, in full view of everybody. Occasionally her mom or her stepdad would wander over and sit with us, and when this happened, we made an added effort to be discussing history or science or math.
Other days, though, we put the books on the dining room table or in the middle of the living room floor. If they were on the floor, there was a good chance that we were watching something on TV, and yes, I succumbed to her requests to cuddle into my lap as I sat in my recliner. That was becoming a bit of a problem for me, though. I kept getting aroused. And why wouldn't I? She was cute, friendly, and affectionate.
If I wasn't in my recliner, we'd be on the sofa. Sometimes we lounged at opposite ends. Other times, though, I dunno, she just seemed to NEED physical contact, and she'd slide over against me, letting me drape an arm around her, or she'd lay her head in my thigh, sighing as I toyed with her hair. We'd watch TV, and when a commercial came on, she'd roll onto her back, smiling. I couldn't help but caress her face. Trouble was, I was getting to want to caress more and more of her. What manner of magic was this little girl working on me?
And then there was the day she wanted to talk about relationships. "I guess I don't quite understand, Mister Bill," she admitted. "I think a lot of kids my age are screwed up."
"How so, baby?" I asked.
"That whole 'I'm in LOVE' thing ... Mostly GIRLS ... I mean, where are ya goin' with claimin' you're in LOVE an' you're thirteen an' you were IN LOVE last week with somebody else and prob'ly gonna be IN LOVE with somebody else in another two weeks?"
"That's how young people learn about relationships, Haley."
"What're they tryin' to learn? Friend says 'I'm goin' steady with Jason.' An' a week later, Jason is history ... Goin' steady means, you know, more than a WEEK!"
"What do YOU think 'goin' steady' means?"
"Like almost engaged..."
I snickered. "People ARE FUNNY. But at thirteen, kids ain't ready to be committing for life, I don't think. All that 'goin' steady' stuff is just practice, you know, how to meet people and see how your personality an' their personality fits, that kind of stuff."
"You think somebody my age is too young to be committing for life?"
"Yeah." And then I looked at those brown eyes. I saw a strange look.
She continued. "An' we got a pregnant girl in one a'my classes. My age. Pregnant. What'd'ya thnk of that?"
"I wish I was surprised. I guess I should be, but I'm not."
"It's crazy. I listened to some a'the other girls talkin'. She was all in love with this boy over the summer. Now she's gonna have a baby."
"How old was he?"
"Fourteen."
"That's disastrous," I said.
"Talk about," she said. "I know all about that 'sexually active', just from sittin' in the cafeteria."
"In middle school," I muttered, almost to myself.
"Crazy," Haley repeated. "I mean, if a girl starts when she's THIRTEEN, an' she does ever' boy she falls in love with, an' that's like eight or nine a year..." She looked at me. "Mister Bill, that's not GOOD is it?"
I shook my head. "Not from my point of view. Maybe things are different now, but girls that were doin' that many guys were called 'sluts'. I'd hate to think that MY girl had been with that many guys..."
"That's what Grandma says. I don't think she was happy about my mom when she was young. Said Mom was wild. An' you know what I said about not havin' a dad, huh..."
I maneuvered the conversation around to something else. Haley was trying to think her way through a minefield at her age.
We landed on a discussion of her social studies. She was supposed to give a talk on 'current events', so we looked at some news stories on the internet. That put us sitting side by side on the sofa.
Pleasant times, these were. And I walked by my calendar every day and saw a date circled. With the scrawled legend: Haley's birthday.
To be sure, for her fourteenth iteration, Haley was getting a bit old for the party thing, but just as last year, her mom baked and decorated (pretty nice, actually. She'd done time in a bakery somewhere.) a cake. Same attendance. Same presents, well, a little more. Steve, step-dad, was working regularly. Bills were paid. Haley's school clothes were nicer.
The week before her birthday, I got a phone call. Call ID said Haley's house. Haley NEVER called. She'd email or SMS. I picked up the phone. "Hello. This is Bill..."
"Bill, this is Marie. Haley's mom." Like I didn't know who Haley's mom was...
"Hi, Marie," I said. "What's up?"
"Haley's birthday is comin' up. Last year you took her to the mall. Were you..."
"I was gonna talk with you about that," I said. "Make sure you didn't mind."
"We don't mind ... she says you're her best friend. But if you're takin' 'er to the mall, then I know what I can get 'er."
"What's that?" I asked.
"Well, we're gonna have a little somethin' for her party, but we were gonna do one a'those gift cards so she'll have 'er own money to spend."
"That'll work great. I'm glad you called."
"I wanted to call, Bill. Like I said, me, an' Steve appreciate what you do with 'er. For school an' ever'thing."
"She's a great kid, Marie. I wouldn't waste the time on one that didn't try like she does."
So I was standing there on the Saturday afternoon for her 'birthday party'. Me, her mom and step-dad. Little brother. Aunt and uncle and a cousin the same age and configuration as little brother. We sang the song. Blew out the candle. Her eyes twinkled when somebody mentioned her wish. "My wish. If I tell somebody, it won't come true," she said.
She unwrapped her presents. Was appropriately complimentary about them. Then Steve handed her an envelope. Inside was a birthday card and a fifty-dollar gift card. She squealed and hugged her mom and Steve. Then she looked at me. I had a similar envelope. She opened it. Another birthday greeting. Her eyes widened. Another gift card. For three hundred dollars.
Squeal! And a leap. And I got kissed full on the mouth in front of everybody. She realized what she'd done and pulled back, looking somewhat embarrassed.
I tried to backpedal on the amount. "You helped me paint three rooms and the trim on the house this summer. I didn't pay you enough then."
She looked at me, then her mom. "Can we go to the mall today?"
"Marie?" I asked.
"If you wanna take 'er," Marie answered. She indicated her sister and brother-in-law. "We was goin' to Janette's. You sure you wouldn't rather do that?"
Haley smiled at her aunt. "I REALLY wanna go to the mall. Is that okay, Aunt Janette?"
Janette was almost a carbon copy of her sister, same height, same fifty extra pounds, same hair, burnt by too many 'treatments' and perms and dye jobs. Same cigarettes. Same voice beginning to rasp from smoking. "Oh, don't worry about it, hon! I'd rather go to the mall too, if I had all that money." She looked at me, somewhat amused.
Squeal! Haley came and stood by me. We finished our cake. She looked at me. "Are ya ready, Mister Bill?"
I stood up. "I guess..."
Steve snickered. "I ain't NEVER ready ta go ta dat mall."
We left. Got in the little SUV that was my personal car, and off we went. Now, I'd perceived that one advantage of giving Haley pre-paid gift cards was that I'd sit on a bench and let 'er shop. When we got to the mall, I revealed that plan. Got a hurt look from Haley.
"Mister Bill," she said, "I want you to come with me. I want you to tell me if what I'm gonna buy looks nice. For you."
For me? I parsed that. Came up with no reason that made any real impact, so I walked with her. Three hours and a Food Court later, we were walking out of the mall, me carrying several colorful plastic bags, Haley carrying one, and almost skipping. When we exited into the parking lot, her hand went inside me arm. I looked down. She was smiling.
"Happy birthday, Haley," I said.
"Has been," she smiled. "Like last year. Maybe even better."
We got home and I noted that her parents' car was missing.
"They're at Aunt Janette's, 'member?"
"Oh, yeah," I said. "You wanna come to the house 'til they get back?"
Haley smiled. "Uh-huh..."
I handed her my cell phone. "Call 'er and tell her where you're gonna be. I don't want 'er callin' your house an' not knowin' where you are..."
"It's okay. She won't mind," Haley said.
"Call 'er anyway..."
"Okay." She punched up her mom's number. "Hi, Mom! It's me!" Pause. "Yes, ma'am. I'm on Mister Bill's phone. We just got back from shoppin'. Is it okay if I go over there 'til ya'll get home?" Pause. She looked at me. "Mister Bill, am I keepin' you from something?"
I shook my head.
"He says 'No." Pause. "Okay! I'll listen for ya. If I miss ya, call this number." Pause. "'Kay, Mom! Love ya! Bye." She turned to me, dimpled grin and all.
"You sure you don't mind?" she asked.
"Certainly not. I'd worry if you were home by yourself after dark."
"I've been home by myself a lot. Travellin' with Little Steve is a pain in the butt..."
"Young girls shouldn't use words like that," I chided.
"Sorry. But he IS. Mom an' Steve spoil 'im. I think it's because Mom really wants ta keep Steve. He's pretty good to us, really. 'Cept for that."
We were in the driveway. We got out and hauled her purchases inside. I assumed they'd stay in the bags and we'd do a movie on TV and maybe a game of chess.
Wrong!
"I can model these new clothes for you. Want me to?" Another cute smile.
"If you want to," I said. "You don't HAVE to."
"You bought 'em for me," she said demurely. "I wanna show you what you bought!"
"Okay, then," I answered. "You can change in Deena's room."
She grabbed some bags and disappeared up the hall, smiling as she went. In a bit, she came back, dressed in a pair of new jeans and a blouse. She waltzed in front of me and struck a pose. "Well?"
"Delightful," I said. "That's cute on you!"
She smiled sweetly. "You're not just sayin' that?"
"Of course not. You're definitely cute!"
She was giggling as she skipped up the hall with the remainder of her bags. She modeled several blouses and sweatshirts with her jeans. Then she came in wearing her new 'I need a nice one' dress. And matching pumps.
I was, in a word, stunned. I saw her looking at dresses, but I left the selection to her and a saleslady. Brown. Dark, walnut brown, like her short, sassy tresses. She stood in front of me, then turned, almost shyly, looking so completely innocent, and oh, so delectable.
"You're not sayin' anything? Is it bad?"
"Oh, gosh, no!" I exclaimed. "It's almost too pretty. I was having trouble finding the words. You look stunning! I can't think of a more perfect look for you."
She blushed. "Oh, Mister Bill, you make me feel so good when you say things like that."
"Baby, back up a little bit so I can see all of you again."
She backed up, watching my eyes. I was enraptured. "Now turn around slowly."
She completed a lazy pirouette.
"Yes, baby," I admitted. "That dress really does it for you."
She grinned. "Thank you, Mister Bill! I got one more to show you!" She giggled as she went up the hall.
Presently, she returned.
Make that twice for the 'stunned' thing. Little darlin' had bought a nightshirt. Loosefitting cotton. It came down to mid thigh.
"I needed a new one, in case I needed to spend the night somewhere," she smiled. "I have an old one, but it's getting kinda small and it's kinda worn out."
And I was thinking 'why in the world is she showing me this?' I had to say something. "That's a very appropriate thing for you sleep in."
"It feels like it's made for snuggling," she said. She smiled at me, questioning.
"Yeah, I can see where that would be perfect for snuggling."
"D'ya think we could, like, cuddle for a little while?"
I must be crazy. I know I shouldn't have. But I did. "Yeah, c'mere. I get to be the first one that cuddles you in it."
Little squeal. She bounced up and onto my lap. Settled in sideways, her arms around my neck. I put my arms around her. Cuddled. Smelled the sweet fragrance of her hair. Relished the feel of a hundred pounds of fourteen year old girl in my arms.
"Mister Bill, thank you so much for doing this for my birthday."
"I'm glad to do it, Haley," I said. "You're kinda special to me."
She turned her face towards mine. Her eyes were soft, questioning. I could tell she was thinking a lot of things. She had that look. I could feel the tension in the air, like something was about to happen.
"Baby," I said softly, "I'd cuddle with you all night, but when your mom and Steve get back, I don't think you should be in your nightshirt here in my living room. Why don't you go change back into your regular clothes?"
She looked a little sad, reluctant even. "Okay, Mister Bill. I know. But it felt real good, I mean, it ALWAYS feels real good when I cuddle with you."
"Go change, silly!" I said, trying to lighten up the atmosphere. "When you come back in here with all your clothes on, THEN we can cuddle. And let's have all your bags ready to go when they get back, okay?"
That seemed to work. Still, she seemed a bit reluctant as she got off of my lap. She disappeared back up the hall and in a few minutes returned, wearing the outfit that she had on when we left for our shopping spree. She giggled as she climbed back into my lap. "Now, where were we?" And she returned her arms around my neck.
I had to say something. This was getting to be too much for me. Reluctantly, I said, "Haley, you're get a little bit too old to be in my lap like this."
She changed from her 'happy Haley' face to a sad one. "Why, Mister Bill? Am I gettin' too heavy?"
"Certainly not, baby," I said. "You're getting too pretty. And a little too old."
"But I'm not! I just wanna be held." She looked at me sadly.
I guess I should've stood firm. Not me, though! I folded like a cheap lawn chair. "Okay, Haley," I said, "we'll try."
The smile returned to her lips and she buried herself in my arms. The enjoyable feelings returned. I might have 'difficulties' later this evening, but I wasn't gonna disappoint Haley on her birthday. So that's where we were at when we saw the headlights from her mom and dad's car turning in to their driveway.
Haley looked disappointed. "Well, I guess I need to go home now," she sighed. "I wish I could've stayed longer." She got out of my lap.
Part of me, no, make that MOST of me wanted her to stay, too. "Lemme help you carry your bags over to your house," I said.
"Okay," she said.
We gathered up her bags. I was getting ready to open the door when she said, "Wait!"
I stopped. She dropped her bags, threw her arms around my neck pulling me over lower, and planted a kiss full on my lips. Her bright eyes connected with mine.
"Haley!"
"Mister Bill, I've been needin' to do that. You're the one who's always nice to me."
She still had me bent over, and she landed another one. This one was a tiny bit longer, and I thought it was a little bit longer than a little girl's 'thank you' kiss. But she was smiling so broadly that I wasn't about to say anything. I opened the door and we walked across the lawn to bring her home.
When I got back to the house, there was no reason for me to do anything else, so I took a shower. As I was letting the hot water run over my body, a thousand thoughts were going through my head. Haley ... Fourteen year old Haley. She was entirely too young to be affecting me the way she was. And I was entirely too old to let myself get carried away like this.
I watched TV until almost eleven. Then I went to bed. I opened the book and read for a while, willing myself to go to sleep. Didn't happen. I knew something that used to work. That didn't take long. It was somewhat disturbing, though, because when I closed my eyes to pull up a fantasy, the picture of a fourteen-year-old girl in a stunning little brown dress kept floating in my mind. I slept fitfully. I got up the next morning, went out and picked up the Sunday paper, and read it by myself over breakfast. I considered getting in my car and driving off for the day to give myself more time to think.
Finally, I convinced myself that I was reading too much into it. Haley was a sweet kid. She truly appreciated what I did for her, things that I was quite happily and quite innocently doing for her. The kiss was just a way of showing it. That's it! I was being paranoid. She was just being Haley. Young, sweet, cute Haley. Haley, who looked to me as her friend.
After convincing myself that, that was the way it was, I went about enjoying my Sunday. I was working outside in my shop. Heard a soft knock at the door, and a little voice.
"Hi, Mister Bill. Whatcha doin'?"
I turned to see Haley. She was wearing shorts and a T-shirt and an old pair of tennis shoes, entirely perfect for the warm late summer day. "Building a shelf," I said. "Something to put up in the laundry room." I put the tools down and turned toward her. "And how are you doing this morning?"
"I'm doing okay," she said. "I had trouble going to sleep last night."
"Why?" I asked.
"Thinkin'," she said shyly.
"What were you thinking about?"
"Kissin' you." She almost looked frightened to say anything.
"Why? You kissed me before."
"I know. But it was ... I don't know, different. And when I went to bed, I kept thinking about it."
I considered what she was saying.
"This ain't a good place to talk about it, Mister Bill."
I guess if you want to call it a mistake, that's when I made it. "Where's a good place to talk?"
Those brown eyes looked at me, sort of frightened, sort of tentative, and she said, "In the house."
I turned off the shop light and shut the door behind me as I followed her to my house. We went inside. I sat in my recliner. "Okay, Haley, let's talk."
"Remember a couple weeks ago, we were talkin' about the kids in school an' how they was always fallin' in love an' goin' steady and stuff like that?" She still seemed almost scared.
I'm the one that should've been scared. At this point, I should've been running for the hills. But I didn't. "Yeah, sweetie," I said. "I remember us talking about that. I remember Haley saying that it was silly that thirteen year old kids were gettin' all serious about each other like that. I remember that conversation. And..."
"I think you're my boyfriend," she said shyly.
"Why do you think I'm your boyfriend?"
"'Cuz," she said, "you don't have a girlfriend. I'm, like, your BEST friend, right? And I'm a girl. And you're MY best friend, an' you're boy, so that makes you my boyfriend." She looked at me like she was almost fearful of the reply.
I had to reply. I know what I should've done but I couldn't figure out how to do it without hurting her. So I didn't do that. Not just yet, anyway. "Haley, you're fourteen. I'm thirty-eight. I'm six years older than your mom. Twenty-four years older than you. Those numbers just don't work for boyfriend and girlfriend. Really."
Her eyes were wetting up like she was going to cry. "But, Mister Bill, a bit different? I mean, you and me?" Her bottom lip started to quiver.
And that's what it took. I spread my arms apart, a sign she usually took to mean that it was snuggle time. Almost reluctantly, she crawled into my lap. I looked at her cute face. There really were tears, and they were starting to track down her cheeks. It was too late for me. With my fingers, I tilted her face up towards mine and kissed away her tears. "Don't cry, sweetie," I said. "I guess when it gets right down to it, I AM your boyfriend."
With a quiver in her voice she said, "You don't have to say that. If it's not true, I mean."
At this point in my life, I wished desperately that I could be fourteen, too. But then I remembered when I was fourteen and there's no way I would've been sensitive enough to handle this properly. As the philosopher says, 'What is, is.' "Haley, baby, it IS true. But this is crazy. I don't know what I can do about it. I don't know what WE can do about it."
Slowly, she inched her face towards mine. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I knew what was going to happen. And there wasn't anything that I could do to stop it. No matter how much I wanted to. Or even worse, DIDN'T want to. Those young lips met mine. I've touched live wires. I didn't get the shock, the surge that went through me when her lips met mine. And heaven help me, my right hand came up and cradled the back of her head. If she would've pulled away, I would've let her. She didn't pull away.
Haley and I had been cuddling for over a year now. Up to this point, we had a kind of a chaste routine. I mean, as chaste as you can get with the young teen girl and the lap of an almost forty year old guy. I'd sit in my recliner and kick back, elevating my feet. Haley would back up to the arm of the chair and slide backwards into my lap, usually leaving her legs hanging over the arm of the chair, sometimes twisting slightly, but leaving her side in contact with my chest, and her firm preteen butt in my lap.
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