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A Girl With A Secret free porn video
Chapter 1
Jessica lived in the same dorm as me and we took a few of the same classes. She was a little bit introverted but I was attracted to her. She wasn’t the most beautiful girl I had ever seen but she was attractive, she had brown hair cut to her shoulders, and a slender but slightly muscular build. We started doing more stuff together and although we often hung out with a common group of friends she seemed to be a little bit detached somehow.
We hadn’t slept with each other and I didn’t really mind taking it slow with her. I really admired her for her intelligence and her beauty. Actually, I hadn’t even kissed her. She seemed to be not necessarily afraid of physical contact but she definitely wasn’t that touchy.
One day we were sitting together in a coffee shop.
‘Can I be honest with you?’ I said, looking deeply in her eyes and reaching out to hold her hands. I bent in a little closer. She smiled. ‘What?’ she asked. I had never really held her hands like this before. They felt warm and soft.
‘I hate to say this, I mean, I’ve seen you laughing and stuff, like usual, but in your eyes you look a little bit sad. I mean, I’m your friend, and if anything is happening with you, no matter what, you can tell me, you know.’
She drew her hands away and smiled, staring down at herself.
‘I’m… fine,’ she said, looking at me, almost puzzled. ‘I don’t look sad, do I?’
‘Well, it’s not a big deal or anything. Just… I mean, forget it.’
We walked back to the dorm together. I wanted to show her some music I had downloaded recently but she went to her room first to check her email. Just before I got to my own room I ran into Steve in the hallway.
‘Goddamnit Steve, what the hell are you doing in front of my door?’
‘Just chilling,’ he said. He knew that I was joking.
‘So… um, Paul,’ he said, looking conspiratorially at me. ‘How are things going with you and… Jessica?’
‘Fine.’
He leaned in a little closer, and was practically whispering. ‘Yeah? That’s good. But don’t you want to, you know, just rip her clothes off and make sweet love to her? You know, just pound that girl silly?’
‘Oh, Jesus Christ, Steve,’ I said, pushing him out of the way so I could get to my door. ‘Get the fuck out of here.’
Steve and I were good friends, I thought as I went into my room and then closed the door, making sure that he wasn’t following me inside. I did some stuff absently with my computer until Jess poked her head in.
‘Hey,’ she said. ‘So what do you want to show me?’
‘I just splurged and got three new albums,’ I said. We just sat there for a few hours, maybe 2 hours, talking about music and some other random stuff. We were sitting on my bed now, because it was a small room, and I felt us getting closer and closer as time went on, talking about more and more intimate things. Then we started to talk about high school.
‘Have you ever played ‘penis’ before?’ I asked.
‘Nooo… what’s that?’
‘Okay, I used to do this in high school all the time. One person whispers ‘penis’ as softly as they can, and then another person does it louder, and people just keep saying it louder and louder to see who can say it the loudest.
‘Oh my god,’ she said.
‘I can’t believe you’ve never heard of it! But so anyway, there was this kid in my Latin class. He was a complete fucking retard. You wouldn’t believe it. He was really funny though. But anyway, he whispered out penis, and it was funny, because, you know, it’s Latin class. There’s only, like, 12 people in the class. The teacher was writing on the whiteboard and she didn’t hear anything. But I was really bored, so I whispered out, ‘penis!’ And so throughout the whole class, we just kept saying it, as randomly and inconspicuously as possible so the teacher couldn’t hear it. Actually we were starting to say it pretty loud. Then once this guy said penis, very clearly while the teacher was writing something and she just looked back, stared at him, and just ignored him and kept writing.
‘So finally I decided to be an asshole. And I’m telling you, I don’t do stuff like this! But anyway, I just said it even louder, just a tiny bit louder. And then he said it even louder. And then finally I yelled out penis really loud. Such a jackass. And then everyone was just staring at me, and the teacher was just staring at me, and people were laughing and giggling. And the teacher, I’ll never forget it, she said to me, ’23 times.’
‘And I said, ‘what?”
‘And she said, ‘That’s how many times you made a reference to a certain male apparatus.’ And by that time half the class was laughing hysterically and the other half just looked at me like I was a complete dumbass.
‘And then, this teacher, she sometimes just completely randomly lost her temper. And she just completely flipped out. She flung her marker to the ground, and turned red in the face and yelled out, ‘IF YOU EVER SAY THE WORD ‘PENIS’ AGAIN I WILL THROW YOU OUT OF MY FUCKING CLASSROOM!”
‘Oh, my god!’ said Jess, laughing. ‘That’s ridiculous! She actually said that?’
‘Yeah! Someone told the principal about it, and he just laughed! It was the funniest fucking thing!’
‘I can’t believe you would say that,’ she said, laughing. ‘Oh, god.’
‘So,’ I said, staring at her expectantly.
‘So what?’
‘So, I’ve shared with you one of my deepest darkest secrets. Do you have any dirt for me?’
She suddenly looked very serious. ‘Actually…’ she said slowly, ‘No, wait, I shouldn’t.’
‘What?’
‘No, it’s a really big deal for me.’
‘What?’
‘It would completely change everything. Oh my god, you have no idea.’
‘What, come on, tell me!’
She sighed. ‘You are my friend, and I trust you. Do you trust me?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time.’ She paused for a long time. ‘I guess there’s no easy way to say it,’ She said, sighing. ‘Actually, it sort of ties in with your story,’ she said, giggling a little but then looking as though she regretted laughing. Then she leaned over just a little bit more, since we were already close, and whispered into my ear. I was expecting something funny and witty. ‘I have a penis.’
I chuckled. Then I said, 50% seriously, ‘What?’
‘I’m serious,’ she said, leaning back now, her face red and contorted practically looking as if she were being tortured. ‘I have a penis.’
Let me just pause in my narrative and say that when a girl says something like that to you, and she looks like Jess did, there are a number of things going through your mind. There is one part of you that wants to laugh because you think you are in the process of hearing a really funny joke. Yes, I know it sounds funny, but just imagine being there, okay? Can you put yourself in my shoes? Because then there is another part of you that is genuinely afraid, even if just for a moment, that the girl has a fucking penis. Also, it should be pointed out that if this conversation had been a movie, and I had been watching it, just watching two characters who were not me (Paul) and not Jessica but someone else, I would have laughed, and I would have thought how funny it was. Yes, it was an intrinsically funny moment. But there was that small annoying voice in the back of my mind that didn’t find it funny at all. Damnit all.
So I laughed, and I was surprised that it was only a halfhearted laugh. ‘You do?’ I said. ‘Damn, I always pick the screwed up manly ones!’ I exclaimed, laughing again. ‘So that’s what you’ve been hiding all this time! I knew it, you know, I knew it this whole time. I don’t want some freaky transvestite touching me! Gross! Get the hell out of my room!’ I said, pointing at the door.
She looked at me blankly for a moment. Her face was stone cold. ‘Paul, I’m serious.’
‘What?’
‘I used to be a boy and I’m having a sex change.’
‘Oh, goddamnit,’ I said.
Funny joke. Boy, if she wasn’t kidding…ha ha, that would be pretty funny! What a sucker I would be.
‘Boy,’ I said gradually, after a silence. ‘That can really stop a conversation dead in its tracks.’ My mind was sort of half scared and half waiting for the punch line. I mean, here we were, and I was half expecting to make out with her or something, and then, boom.
You know that moment, that precious moment right when something really bad starts to dawn on you? It’s like when you’re breaking up with someone or someone’s really dissing you, and you’ve been having what you presumed was a normal conversation up until then. Your mind’s in happy mode, even after the person says the thing, and then you’re sort of confused, and then there’s that special moment, like a feeling of disorientation almost, the moment when you’re halfway between happiness and indignation, and your mind still hasn’t registered the full impact of what’s been said but you can sort of sense that that impact is coming. You know what I’m talking about, that disorienting feeling, like you can’t process it fast enough, because there’s still a part of you that’s happy, but it’s slowly being sucked away. And I was sort of feeling it right then.
So laugh all you want, criticize my little story all you want, but this was my reality.
‘You’re a guy,’ I said simply.
‘Noo…’ she said. ‘I’m a girl!’ And she just stood there. You might imagine someone would run away in embarrassment at this point, but she just stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do or say.
Neither did I, of course, at first. Then I sighed, and said, ‘Show me your penis.’
She reached down to her dress where the crotch was. She pressed against the cloth and the bulge was clearly outlined. I don’t think words could fully describe what I was feeling then.
‘Holy shit,’ I said. ‘That is messed up. Why would you lie to me?’
‘My whole life I’ve wanted to be a real girl! You have no idea! My voice, my body, my clothing, you don’t know…’
‘This is college. You should be honest about stuff like this.’ Believe me, my words did not adequately express my thoughts.
‘I couldn’t… I mean, it’s so hard, you have no idea…’
‘Look at you,’ I said. ‘I don’t know what to do with you. You’re a dude. Do you have any idea how this could mess a guy up?’
‘I don’t want to be a dude, there’s surgery…’
‘Oh my god.’ I put my head in my hands. Even then her voice sounded like a girl’s. ‘She’ had probably taken estrogen.
I just sat there, not knowing what to think. ‘Why don’t you… show me your penis,’ I said slowly.
‘What?’
‘Show it to me. I swear to god, if this is a joke.’
‘No! I won’t show it to you!’
‘Oh, come on. We’re both guys, we have the same package,’ I said bitterly.
‘I’m not… I’m not… I don’t want to be a guy! I don’t want a penis! I don’t want to have it, I don’t want to show you it…’
‘Please,’ I said patiently. ‘Okay. You want to be a girl, but you aren’t, and maybe you’re not a guy, but you’re not a girl yet, don’t kid yourself! If you don’t show me your penis then I think I’ll fucking explode, I don’t know what I’ll do.’
I looked at her crotch expectantly. She sighed. Quickly, she (she???) pulled her dress up and shoved her panties down, yes, he or she was wearing girl’s panties, not that that should have surprised me. Anyway that was dwarfed by the fact that I could now see a small shriveled up penis peeking out. Damn. She quickly flipped her dress back in place.
‘Okay,’ I said slowly. ‘Here’s what we’re going to do. I suggest that you rest tonight, and then tomorrow morning you go see a counselor. I think that I’ll see one separately tomorrow. I can’t… I can’t see one with you. No offense, but I think I need the night to think about this.’
‘And then what, and then what?’ she asked unhappily.
‘We’ll see. I just need the night to think about this. Okay?’
‘Okay,’ she said softly, and left the room, closing the door quietly behind her.
Goddamnit.
Chapter 2
I was so pissed off. I took my desk lamp, pulled it right out of its socket, and bent the skinny metal rods of it practically in half. Then I beat it against my mattress. I didn’t want to make too much noise because my neighbors could hear anything.
If there was a night to get drunk this would be it. I hated alcohol though, for the most part, and I didn’t want to leave my room. I just wanted to pass my fist through my TV, except that it was expensive. I settled with taking a pen and stabbing it repeatedly and violently through a binder filled with notes. When I went to the bathroom that night, I wrote in the stall, ‘Why is my life so fucked up?’
That night I just had images in my head of an innocent girl in pain, just wanting love and affection, but then the second that image would pop into my head it was replaced by some man with lipstick and makeup and a grotesque look on his face. Was it a she? A he? An it? Did she know? It was so sad, and so horrible. I felt like I wanted to kill myself. How could anyone be like that… how could anyone be like that… how could anyone be like that…
The next day, after my first class, during which I could not focus at all, I went to see a counselor. I knew that Jessica saw a counselor, but I had never known why, but now it was obvious. It was because she was a fucking transsexual.
I went to the student counseling center and told them I needed to see someone within an hour. No way was I going to dwell with this all day. I felt bad going to a counselor, like I was sick or something, because I’d never seen a counselor before.
An older man with white hair and a flannel shirt ushered me into his office. ‘Hello Paul,’ he said. ‘My name is Fr. Tim.’
I couldn’t believe his profile hadn’t said that he was a priest. What the hell was a priest doing in a state college?
‘Hi Father,’ I said slowly. ‘Um, no offense, but I don’t think you can help at all.’
‘Listen kid,’ he said. Kid, that was condescending, wasn’t it? ‘I’m a priest but I’m fully qualified to handle anything you can dish out, all right?’ I noticed a bowl with a pipe in it. Yes, a tobacco pipe. The pipe was smoking.
‘No, not this. Trust me. I didn’t expect to be talking to a priest.’
‘I’ve talked to trauma victims, sex offenders in prison for life, drug addicts, you name it. So tell me what your problem is.’
‘Is it okay to be smoking in here?’ I asked tentatively.
‘Yes, it calms my nerves,’ he said, picking up the pipe thoughtfully and looking at it. ‘If you don’t like it we can go outside.’
‘Your nerves?’
‘I’m all ears.’
‘Okay… fine. I’ve been dating this girl for a few months. Last night she revealed to me she was a transsexual.’
‘What?’
I stared at him, because I was worried about myself and now also about his abilities. ‘She’s having a sex change.’
He nodded his head slowly. ‘What do you think about that?’
‘I’m sure you’ll tell me that it’s awful, that no one should do that to their body.’
‘Ha! No, I didn’t say that. The truth is, what you think or what you do to yourself is up to you. Life isn’t a simple thing, and sex certainly isn’t either. Hell, who’s to say what’s right or wrong, except for what this certain individual thinks is right?’
‘Oh, what do you know about sex?’
‘Please,’ said Fr. Tim, waving his pipe around, sending a cloud into the air. ‘I’m a grown man, and I can do whatever I want. If you think the priesthood is going to stop me from gaining a deeper appreciation of life, think again. Now a bunch of priests go around molesting kids, that’s sick. But hell, I’m a grown man and god’s not going to punish me for having a few significant others from time to time. But anyway, enough about me, what do you think about this situation that you are facing with your friend?’
‘I think it sucks. I don’
t know what to do.’
‘You’re confused. You had certain expectations?’
‘Of course.’
‘And those expectations weren’t met.’
I stared at him.
‘That’s life for you. You think you have it figured out and it can royally fuck you over. Nothing’s as it seems. So for now, what do you think about love? Do you love this friend of yours?’
‘How could I now? I don’t know what to think. It’s too sick to even imagine.’
‘How do you think your friend is feeling?’
‘I’m sure she’s fucking confused, obviously, that goes without saying, doesn’t it?’ I paused. ‘She probably wishes that she didn’t have to go through any of this. But what can I do about it?’
‘Just do what comes naturally. What do you think comes naturally?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Well, maybe you’ll have to take some time to think about it.’
Chapter 3
That’s what Jessica was, I realized, as I walked out of the counselor’s office. Both innocent and grotesque, like the balance of my dreams the night before, an innocent and beautiful thing corrupted both mentally and physically. How could anyone reconcile this thing in their mind? It was a puzzle I didn’t even want to think about anymore.
The first thing I did when I got back to the dorm was to knock on Jessica’s dorm. No premeditation, no thought, I just did it. ‘Come in,’ she said. I couldn’t read her voice. I went in.
She saw me. ‘Hi,’ she said.
‘Hi,’ I said, pausing. ‘Listen,’ I continued. ‘What happened last night wasn’t easy for me. And I bet it wasn’t easy for you either. But after thinking about it all day, I think I’ve come to peace with it. I think we should just accept what happened and move on.’
‘Move on?’ She hesitated. ‘Yeah, we should move on.’
I looked around awkwardly. ‘Well, we should talk more,’ I said.
‘Yeah.’
I left the room abruptly. I really didn’t know what else to say.
The next night, after thinking a lot and not talking to her for the whole day, I decided to ask her to come to a bar with me. I decided to make the first move in this awkward position. I didn’t think of myself as having a relationship with her, I just thought of her as someone that I needed to talk with.
Looking back I think there was a part of me that felt like I was a little bit obligated to help her, like it was my responsibility or something. People have sometimes told me that I’m too nice sometimes, and maybe this is an example of that. But I guess we can’t all be soulless bastards all the time.
So anyway, she seemed surprisingly relieved when I asked her if she wanted to come with me.
‘You mean you don’t want to never see me again?’ she asked.
‘That’s right,’ I said. ‘Come on.’
As we walked to the bar together she seemed to have a somewhat peaceful look on her face, an almost unconcerned look… almost happy. It made it easy to imagine that she was just a girl, someone who would be easy to love.
If only there was some machine that could just instantly reconfigure her body, without all the pills and the surgery and the mental confusion and the social agony and the mental adjustment. Maybe the mental adjustment was the biggest adjustment of all. But if only she could be instantly transformed into a real, live, woman. At that moment I wished that that could happen, I probably wished it as much as she did, then we could just be perfectly happy together without any of the weirdness that had taken place.
To be honest I really didn’t know what to do with her. I had just decided to go to the bar with her, but beyond that my mind was completely blank.
We managed to talk about a few innocent things, as if none of that stuff had taken place. And then that’s when I realized something that was really funny: I realized that we both thought of each other normally. I realized that after all the agony of the past day and a half I had already practically completely gotten over the fact that she had an… apparatus. To be honest I think my mind kind of blocked it out so that I wouldn’t be traumatized for life. But anyway, I felt surprisingly normal. I wasn’t about to tear her pants off or really do anything sexual at all with her, however. But I just felt normal around her anyway.
Chapter 4
Maybe it’s true that relationships, relationships of any kind, can only be strengthened by going through hard times together. Or maybe they can be strengthened just by good times, although I’ve never been fortunate enough to really have that happen. Don’t feel sorry for me, I mean, can you imagine having a deep relationship without hard times? Maybe it’s possible, but I don’t think it would ever happen for real. But anyway, the thing is, while Jessica and I were good friends, where would this have all headed? Nowhere, without the inevitable difficulties, which were sure to come. We didn’t have to worry about that, of course.
Safiya
- 19.12.2022
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