Jokes and Giggles Part TwoChapter 121
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The passenger door opened, a sopping wet man sat down in the seat, and closed the door.
‘I’m sorry sir but you can’t be in here,’ A voice said softly.
‘I’m getting out of the rain,’ the man said looking in the back seat. ‘Who said that?’ he asked quickly.
‘I did, sir,’ came the reply.
‘Well, where the heck are you?’
‘I am the car, sir. I am the new TX 2000. The most advanced car in the world.’
‘Hey, I heard about you. Uh, I mean this model of car. I thought they were joking when they said it could talk. I figured some kind of recorded voice.’
‘No, sir. I have my own vocal synthesizer, voice recognition program, and voice response management system. I have the complete volume of the Webster unabridged dictionary programmed into memory. I can even deduce the meaning of sentences from there.’
‘Impressive, I must say,’ the man replied with a grin.
After a moment of silence he asked, ‘Why did you have the doors unlocked here in the middle of town? It’s not safe you know.’
‘My owner is always in a hurry and forgets the keypad code most of the time. He gets confused on the vocal password also. He should be back any moment now and he would be unhappy if he had to wait in the rain.’
‘Oh, then you learn your owners habits as you go along. That must be a marvelous thing.’
‘Yes sir, it is one of our key selling points.’
‘Another computerized car that’s supposed to revolutionize the world. All show and no go, in other words,’ the man said with a snort of disgust.
‘Sir, I will have you know I am one of the finest road cars ever built. 0 to 60 in 3.9 seconds. 0 to 100 and back to zero in less than ten seconds. Very few sports cars can do that, much less a five seated sedan.’
‘I find that very hard to believe. I’d have to see it to believe it.’
‘With the rain, sir–’
‘Yeah, yeah, excuses, excuses. There is always an excuse.’
‘Sir, if you will side over to the drivers seat, I will allow you a quick demonstration drive.’
‘Uh, what about your owner?’
‘He phoned a moment ago and said he would be detained for another few hours.’
‘So we have time to do this right, then?’
‘Yes sir, we do.’
The man looked around the steering column and then along the dash. ‘Where the heck is the key?’
‘Sorry sir, there is no ignition key. Please say the word ‘Start’ and I will handle that for you. I will also tell you when the engine is up to temperature and traffic is clear so you can pull away from the curb.’
‘Damn, you are good,’ the man mumbled under his breath.
‘Thank you sir. We are designed to please.’
The man looked at the rearview mirror and saw it adjust to his height. The side mirrors self adjusted at he looked at them in turn. ‘That is one neat trick with the mirrors. I’m liking this car more and more.’
‘They are a great return for your investment.’
‘I’m beginning to see that.’
A moment later, the car said, ‘The engine is at temperature and traffic will be clear in three…. Two…. One. All clear.’
The man checked the mirrors and sure enough, there was a four-car length gap behind the truck that passed. ‘That’s great,’ the man said as he pulled away from the curb and accelerated into traffic.
‘Not bad but there is too much traffic here to test anything. Where is the nearest open area with minimal traffic?’
There was a few seconds pause and then the car replied, ‘There is a pier and warehouse area four blocks from here. I will put up the directions on the navigation screen.’
The driver looked at the screen and then leaned closer for a better look. ‘Hey, I know that dock. I used to service heavy equipment there. Lots of heavy equipment.’
He sat back in the seat and then said thoughtfully, ‘There is a less crowded dock two places north of that one, if my memory serves me correctly.’
‘I will check satellite imaging sir, weather permitting of course.’
There was full one-minute pause and then the car said, ‘I will have to take your word for that, sir. The satellite imaging is hampered by the rain and clouds.’
‘I work the docks all the time. It goes with my business.’
‘Yes, sir. I will adjust the route on the screen.’
*****
Traffic was thick and heavy but thinned as they neared the docks. From the stop sign across the street, they went straight through an open gate and accelerated sharply across the large open parking area.
‘Here, you run better than I expected for sure.’
‘Yes, sir. The company prides itself on speed, handling, and comfort.’
The man drove through a second open gate, accelerated smartly up to 60 miles per hour, and then braked hard to a stop. ‘Wow, that was great. I want to try that again.’
He slammed his foot on the floor and laughed as the car jumped away smartly with squealing tires. He made a slight left past a tractor-trailer rig and a slight right to speed down between two warehouses.
‘You do handle nicely. Firm but not too firm. Nice, even under these wet conditions.’
‘Yes, sir. I can even tune it tighter or looser as you desire while you drive.’
‘In that case, tighten it up because there is a ninety degree turn at the end of these warehouses. I’d love to see what it could really do.’
‘Yes, sir,’ the car said.
The driver made the ninety-degree right turn and floored it for a short ways before making a ninety-degree left between a two rows of overseas shipping containers.
‘Boy oh boy, you sure do handle, even in the wet. I’d be proud to own a car that handles so well.’
‘Thank you, sir,’ the car replied.
When the driver slowed quickly and made a zig zag into an open shipping container, the car asked, ‘Sir, why are we in here?’
As the door to the container closed behind them, the driver smiled and said, ‘Because I’m adding you to my collection of stolen TX 2000’s’
‘I am sorry sir but that is not possible. I am putting out a stolen car report as we speak.’
‘Not from inside this steel container you aren’t.’
‘Sir, stealing is against the law.’
‘Yes it is and as a car thief, I must say, stealing you smart ass cars is a piece of cake. You are the third one this week. Three more and I will be set for life. You are worth a fortune on the overseas market.’
‘Sir, you will have to take me out of here to sell me. At that time I will send your position to the appropriate authorities.’
The driver laughed. ‘Do you think your tracking chip will be in this car when you land wherever it is you are going?’
‘But sir, you can not remove the tracking chip without removing my persona.’
With an ugly laugh, the driver whispered, ‘Ain’t that a bitch.’
Dottie
- 23.06.2022
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