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Attempting to put into words, the thoughts of a mother, and failing miserably.

I love you are not words mere enough for a glimpse of what we perceive to be the greatest wisdom of all. Over time and years of what we refer to as living have taught me more things about the inner self than I ever could have wished to be victim to. And Elliot was just part of my teachings, a fragment of life shattered by the loss of an ivory innocence, folded with all graceful curves of a budding rose, floating downstream on a river of blood that flowed from my body like so many crystalline tears. Until the river was swept into the ocean of all women who cry and bleed and live without ever knowing why or how, or for what the pain of their existence is all for.

Watching myself grow rounder, fuller…feeling the life within me that brought with it fear and hope and complete uncertainty. Knowing as I know my own name that nothing could ever change what was happening to me…not knowing if I really wanted it to change at all. People watching me, people whispering…their eyes burning like demon fire. God how I wish they could walk for one day knowing what I know, feeling what I feel, feeling that life within me as it lives and moves and grows. I stare back to unsettle them, unblinking, unforgiving. They look away but the whispering continues. I have no one to whisper to. I have lost again and look away with eyes full of remorse and hurt and that glint of fear. Fear of the pain? No…more accurately described as fear of failure. What kind of mother will I be? Hands explore a surface so hard and round and promising, feeling that pulse of life within, wishing I could look like this forever and have someone to whisper to. And then the pain came, and I wonder why I was not in fear of it. Pain like a river, a waterfall, an earthquake…pain like a volcanic eruption that makes me scream and scream and scream. So much pain to deliver a life so small.

Giving birth was perhaps the most painful and colorful moment of my life, the ripping of a soul that I’m not even sure exists. It tore from me like the wing of bird, disabling my flight through the azure dawn of existence. I felt that when I was crying my tears were made of glass because they hurt as they came out razor edges carving bloody scars down my cheeks dropping like bullets onto my heaving chest, dividing lines around my heart, stilling my flowing stream of consciousness into a stagnant pool of sharp edged and bitter regret. My whole being became pain. I was a soul writhing in a sea of boiling agony and I screamed like a wolf that howls in mourning. I screamed like a bird that soars across the horizon. And all eyes were on me and I was dying in the pain that engulfed me and swallowed me whole. If only I could die I would be happy.

Laying eyes on my son erased the pain and closed the wounds on my face and body, it breathed new life into me and assured me that our souls are real, and that our pain however intolerable is fleeting and not in vain. I was afraid to touch him as if he were made out of cotton candy and my fingers could reshape him and turn him into nothing but so much sugar from which he was made. My blood marked his body, proving that he was mine. My flesh, my blood, a new life born of my womb. A new soul to sprout wings and fly if only I could teach him. Suddenly all my fears and inadequacies as a mother seemed very real. God trusts us with this great task and I felt so much less than worthy. God my son…my son…

Years later I could not begin to recall the fervor with which those brief shards of time were lived and wept and dissolved into a dream filled with nothing more than ashes of my memories. I held him in my arms feeling his flesh like crushed velvet, damp with the sweat of his body, his hair resting like strands of a spider’s web against my scarred chest and divided heart, listening to the murmur of his life’s breath through parted lips the color of a peach when it’s cut in the light of the sun. And in those moments of holding this creature against me I felt like a hollow shell compared to the brilliance of his life. My son, who stole my life in order to live, and weak and dying though I am, I will forever see his brilliance shining through fragments of time, glowing and growing, for as long as time exists.

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I was the k** who was a little behind when it came to puberty. I was awkward, shy, and skinny. I started noticing girls about the same time that I started noticing all of those cocks in the locker room shower. I was so afraid of getting an erection that I would often would hang back and take a quick shower at the last minute when very few others were still in there. One day I was taking my usual late shower when I was startled by someone else entering the shower. It was the new guy, Bill. He...

1 year ago
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Another Rough Sex Story

As I’ve stated in my earlier stories, although we had a very active sex life in our younger years, things slowed down while we raised our family and only the last few years since the children have grown and are now leaving the nest has our sex life begun to recover. Now my wife has a renewed interest in sex and I’m thrilled. She is still very conservative about sex for the most part, but when she has a few drinks she loses her inhibitions and I cannot believe the difference. She becomes...

2 years ago
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My Next Time With a Dirty Mommy

It had been a little while since my late night with Krissy. In the past, I’ve never known people who work together screwing around to be anything but a total pain in the ass. Someone always feels weird, someone always wants more, it spills over into the workplace, someone ends up quitting or fired. But this situation seemed to defy all logic. We laughed and joked when we were together. We talked about people we were dating, or wanted to date. There was nothing hostile or tense between us. It...

4 years ago
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He is always ready

He is always ready.. This morning when I got up, I had one thing on my mind. I needed real sex. I only had one man in mind that I knew could give it to me. Without hesitation, I texted Paul. “Hello! what time do u get off work?” I didn’t have to wait long for a reply. “Around one. Why?” “U have time for me today?” “For u always. U want to come for a visit?” “That will be nice, but I can`t stay long thou.” “What can I get u to drink?”

2 years ago
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Deja Vu AscendancyChapter 272 Family Trip to Europe

Tuesday, July 5 to Wednesday, July 27, 2005 There were two areas I was REALLY hoping for progress in before we left to go to England: Mom's consenting to our three-way marriage, and the mansion purchase. Mom stuck to her guns (not a shotgun unfortunately; a reference to the "shotgun wedding" euphemism. Carol's getting pregnant wasn't a tactic we would use). Mom was staunchly and frustratingly withholding her decision; which, in effect, was the same as saying no, except Carol and I had...

4 years ago
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Revenge is Sweet Chapter Two Eric the Nerd

JakeWe were having some bagels and coffee for breakfast. Margaret gave me the phone and reminded me she would be listening in on the speaker. I let the phone ring once then hung up then again and the last time let it ring properly.“Yep.”“Eric, it's Jake. I need to see you urgently.”“Ok, usual place in an hour.”“'K, but I will have a companion with me. It’s important.”“Best make it at your usual hotel then.”Eric was big on keeping his place secret. It had taken me a few months before he...

BDSM
2 years ago
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Three Clicks to Another WorldChapter 19

“Well, how was it?” Jenny asked me as I returned from the Harmons’ house to the home that I had just purchased nearby that night. Yes, I had paid in gold. I wasn’t worried. Money would always be coming in by some means or another. I was a vampire now and I could find ways to line my pockets. My finances would always recover. Besides, a house was a great investment and this one was now paid in full, no mortgage or anything, since it had been sold off by the county. I made sure that the house...

3 years ago
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The Principal

As a middle school married principal, I’m surrounded by women. Some are teachers but many more are mothers. My imagination led me to fantasize that there are a select group of mothers waiting to be fucked. That was wishful thinking until, well, recently. Of course, my situation would have been better as a single man yet, being in a stale relationship enabled me to keep my options open if an opportunity arose. At the age of 48, I might be mistaken for 38 and that is always a benefit for a...

4 years ago
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Another AmberChapter 4

Shortly Roger arrived at the address Gordon had given him. Leon was home - drunk. Roger woke him the easy way. Pain is a great awakener. Leon was wide awake in short order, still drunk, but wide awake. "You took a girl from here to a slave training house fifteen months ago. Where is it?" Roger asked, directly. "Don't know what you are talking about," the drunk replied. The pain that he got then was both more intense and longer lasting than what woke him. He lay there and gasped and...

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