The Original Sin
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The Original Sin free porn video
In the beginning, there was nothing.
And then, in a move which can only be described as "ill-advised, not very well thought-out, and rather stupid", God created the heaven and the earth. And then, realising that it's rather difficult to see what you're doing whilst working in pitch black darkness inside of a trans-dimensional divine cosmic tool shed, God said, "Let there be light!", and behold! There was light.
Exactly where this light came from is up for some debate, seeing as God had yet to create any stars or suns or radiations, but my bet is that it was some sort of divine Zippo lighter that God had flicked on and subsequently burnt His thumb upon, to better see what He was doing in his tool shed. Either way, he saw the light and said, "Oh yes, this is all coming together nicely. Good work, me!"
Anyway, the next day - which God had literally just created the concept of days and nights and was already getting the hang of it, even without the use of stars on a planetary body to determine the exact passing of days and nights, He quickly grew bored of looking at what was essentially just a big flat disc of water floating about aimlessly in space, so God decided to spice things up a bit. Just by speaking His words, He placed a dome made out of sky and land onto the waters, which separated the waters from the waters. And then he realised just how stupid a flat disc Earth really is, and, after quickly wiping that silly flat disc-shaped planet concept from his planning whiteboard, he formed the Earth into a much more conceptually-viable oblate spheroid type of shape.
The following day, because God had been taking many breaks between working very short shifts on His grand project by sitting back and sipping through many cups of tea, He then set about creating trees and vegetation inside this dome, which produced many tasty fruits and produce that we all know and love today. He looked at all this lush greenery and fanciful colours of the fruit and vegetables, cereals, etc. populating his world, and said to Himself, "Aw yeah! That's what I'm talking about, baby! Good job, me! I am awesome!"
The day after that, God created the Earth's sun, which He soon discovered was rather easier for telling the days and nights apart with than what He had been doing with His cosmic divine Zippo lighter, and He slapped his forehead wishing He had thought of doing that on day one instead of 4 days after the fact. But alas, that's what procrastinating on a project will get you! He also threw together some more rocks and stars into the universe, creating things like planets and moons and whatnot, just to make the night sky a little more prettier and eventful for the trees, grass and plants in His little garden to blindly witness. He then patted his back once more for His work, with a nod, a satisfied smile, and a simple, "Good, good."
The next day, after his customary 10 morning cups of tea, God grew very bored with just being a glorified gardener, and so He decided to turn His Earth into an aquarium-cum-aviary, by creating and keeping many different types of fish and birds in it. He was a bit confused at first, by nearly drowning the birds in the waters and chucking the fish about in the air, but He quickly figured out that they go in the opposite habitats. God smiled and praised Himself on His work afterwards, because He knows He's hot shit.
The day after that, God created dinosaurs, and upon seeing the magnificent giant beasts in all their powerful splendor, He said, "Good me! These creatures are bloody awesome!! In fact, they are too good for this planet, I'm going to keep these just for myself..." and so He subsequently hurled and squished all the dinosaurs beneath a big rock, collected and gathered their souls into a jar on one of His shelves, and wiped the land clear of the bloody mess of guts and bones from the land. He then created some other lesser reptiles, and also some amphibians, and then mammals. He also added insects and bugs to the land too, and then because He's an absolute mad lad with a warped evil mind, He decided to also add spiders too. What a nasty bastard! Only the mind of a true psychopath would create a spider and think, "Yes. This disgusting evil belongs in existence."
And then in a move which can only be described as, "Even more ill-advised, so damn terribly thought out, and completely and utterly stupid on every conceivable level imaginable", God created Man.
"Ahoy-hoy! Welcome to your own paradise. I think I shall name you Adam,"
God said unto the man, who had looked up at Him with confusion until God remembered to grant him the ability to understand English,
"Behold! For I have created you in my image."
Adam rushed other to the nearest pool of water and looked down at his reflection, where he gazed upon his own majestically handsome features of his perfect face, his short, dark, perfectly kept hair, his glistening tanned and toned skin with chiselled 8-pack abs, his big strong muscly arms and thighs, and his huge thick swinging cock, and well-hung heavy testicles. He then looked back up at the pale, fat, long white haired yet heavily balding, chubby, long white bearded God peering through the clouds above, and offered Him a puzzled, quizzical look.
"Yep. Exactly in my image..."
God nodded proudly to himself, and left Adam to get settled into his home.
After about 20 hours, God realised He was very uncomfortable with questioning His sexuality by staring at a naked man's large swinging junk for most of the day, and decided to pop back in for a quick visit and chat with Adam.
"Yo, Adam! Wassup, my main man, how's is hanging? ...Quite large and throbbing, I see... Um, so listen, I'm going to need to borrow a rib of yours for a sec, OK? Cool."
And with that, God reached forth and plucked a rib from Adam.
He then made a perfectly beautiful, large breasted woman out of it, complete with a dummy thicc butt and child-bearing hips. Adam was the first to call out bullshit on that, as God had made him out of thin air, and questioned his Creator as to why he needed to take one of his ribs to make a woman out of.
...Or, at least, Adam was about to question God, until he laid eyes upon this beautiful naked woman's full, ripe, bouncy tits, and quickly forgot his train of thought, as he stared drooling with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
The woman coquettedly giggled, and then offered a purr of her own as she bit her lip and laid eyes upon Adam's impressively sized dong.
"I'll leave you two to it..."
God chuckled perversely, as He grabbed a bottle of lube from one of his shelves and hid Himself behind a cloud in the sky.
The two naked strangers did nothing, though. They just eyed each other's perfect human bodies in appreciation. But still, they did nothing about it. God sighed in frustration, and reappeared before them.
"Aren't you going to say 'hello' to each other? Introduce yourselves?"
God questioned.
"Uhh... H-hello? I'm Adam."
Adam nervously introduced himself to her.
"Hi... I'm...?"
She paused and looked up to God.
"Eve."
God replied.
"Eve!"
Eve grinned.
"Hi."
Adam smiled nervously.
"Good... Good... Now kiss!"
God reached down and pushed their heads together.
After lots of awkward smooching, complete with hard nose-in-eye poking, tongue pinches between teeth, and dribbly slobbering, Adam and Eve eventually discovered the most pleasing way to snog each other's faces off. They both liked it so much, that's all that did nonstop for a couple of hours.
"Oh come on! You're both totally blue-balling me here!"
God yelled angrily from the clouds at the pair,
"If I wanted to get off to people just snogging endlessly, I'd create a couple of creatures that are just a sentient pair of lips, and watch them mating all night! You sir, have a cock, and she a vagina, for a me-damn reason! Use them on each other, me-dammit!"
The naked pair looked at the clouds, and then at each other in confusion. They then eyed each other's genitals once more. Adam's was stiff, and rock hard. Eve's was very moist and slick, and only one little spot on it was very firm, the rest of it was as soft and dewy as the grass they were sitting on.
"Take your cock, and shove it on in there, man!"
God yelled at Adam.
"Oooh! So that's where it goes!"
Adam grinned in relief,
"I figured I had to do something like that with it. But earlier, when I put it into one of those warthogs other there, all I got was very angry oinking from the creature, and a tusk stabbed into my cheek..."
"That thing goes in here?!"
Eve questioned as she placed a protective hand in front of her crotch,
"Will it even fit...?"
"It stretches easily to accommodate!"
God yelled out, getting more and more frustrated by the lack of action.
"What about this other hole? I found it just below this one, but it's not nearly as wet."
Eve questioned as she fingered a fingertip around her bum in inquisitive exploration.
"What?! No, that - that hole is for something els- ..Actually, yes! Yes. Yes you can put his cock in there too. In fact, I actively encourage such a venture!"
God explained with a sudden delighted pep in his voice.
"I have a hole like that, too!"
Adam grinned as he fingered around his own bum.
"Wait, what do I use to put inside his hole?"
Eve asked as she looked about and touched around her body to find the answer.
"Oh gross, no! I don't want to see that! Aw, c'mon! You're making me lose my erection at the thought!"
God spat out in disgust,
"In fact, I'm making that a sin! Let it be known, any man who puts another person's body part into his arse hole gets sent straight to hell for an eternity of torture."
"Aww, but you said I can put my body into Eve's arse hole!"
Adam whined.
"Duh! That's not a sin! You can put your cock into her arse all you like. Just don't put anything into your... Ugh.. man-butt... Gross..."
God hiccuped as He threw up in His mouth a little bit.
"Aww, but that sounded fun for me to do!"
Eve pouted unhappily.
"Oh for fuck's sake!"
God sighed in anger and frustration,
"Fine! It is not sinful for women to fuck men in the arse... Just... Don't... When you make a whole bunch of boys, don't let ANY of them put their cocks inside each other's assholes. Don't touch me with that gay shit, yeah? Cool. Now, please, just FUCK EACH OTHER ALREADY!!! ...These little blue pills only last for so long, and I'm on the clock, me-dammit..."
"But why? What would be so wrong if a boy stuck his penis into another boy's bum?"
Eve asked.
"Just... It's just... It's not really my kind of... Agh! Fuck it, I've lost my woody. Are you happy now, you frigid bitch? Fuck sake. I'm going to have a me day tomorrow, just a day of total rest where I do sweet fuck all, just by myself. Fuck you, you couple of fucking cold fish cunts. Oh, and don't eat the fruit from that one particular tree I planted over there, out of all the other trees in this garden, or else. Thank you, fuck you, bye!"
And with that, God left to go angrily punch his walls in impotent rage.
Adam and Eve shrugged their shoulders at each other, and as they locked lips again, started to fuck right there on the grass. And the sex was glorious! Lots of excited fumbling around at first, with lots of excited anxious giggling and then horny moaning. Turns out Adam's large cock wasn't just for show, as he put it to very good use indeed. By the time he was done, Eve's pussy and asshole was completely covered in creamy gooey stickiness, and Adam's cock was completely coated in a shiny sheen of frothy slick wetness and excess cream.
They only ever stopped fucking when they needed to sleep. And when they awoke, they found a note left by God telling them to go forth, subdue and dominate the living things around them in the garden.
"Heh, you can subdue and dominate me some more, stud."
Eve winked at Adam.
"Don't mind if I do!"
Adam grinned, and proceeded to pin Eve down and fuck her brains out once again.
They were like a pair of newly-experienced teenage lovers, just constantly fucking each other nonstop, with more and more wild experimentations and fantasy-exploring with each and every fuck. They quickly discovered that the fruits and vegetables around them weren't just restricted to being put inside their mouths...
They also found out that the vines dangling from some of the trees were also very good for some decent bondage play. This was good, for God, having gotten over His rage and after ordering some more little blue pills, was more than happy to watch His naked couple frolicking about His garden and fucking so wildly like they were, and He would masturbate furiously to it all.
After a certain period of time, with God being gracious enough to instantly cure any and all frictions sores the pair had acquired, Eve went wandering behind a tree to take a shit, after she discovered that she wasn't quite so as keen of using her bodily waste products in their sex play as Adam was. She was suddenly startled mid-squat by a snake slithering on a branch just above her head.
"Hello there-"
The snake greeted her and suddenly hissed out in disgust,
"Aw jeez! Stone the crows - that's fucking lethal that is!"
"Oh my God! Can't a girl have some privacy when she shits in the woods?!"
Eve bemoaned aloud.
"Yeah but - agh! I'm not even flicking my tongue around the air and yet the smell of that foulness is making my eyes water bad!"
The snake hissed as it curled around and held the end of its tail over its mouth.
"Also - OH MY GOD! A talking snake?!"
Eve gasped aloud, still squatting.
"...You're literally shitting in a paradisaical garden full of all creation, with God regularly stopping by to chat with you in perfect English despite England and thus 21st century English speak not existing yet, and He gives you whatever you desire, whenever you desire it. And yet you're questioning the logic behind a talking snake? ...OK. No wonder you humans are going to be screwed over hard real soon."
The snake rolled its eyes.
"I didn't understand any of that. But, like, what's up Mr. Snake?"
Eve asked.
"Do you know which tree you're currently shitting under? ...And are still currently shitting under - oh my stars, seriously?! Who can just casually shit mid-conversation with someone?!"
The snake groaned as Eve's face turned a little bit pink for a moment, before the colour returned as she sighed in relief.
"No, which tree?"
Eve asked innocently as she plucked a leaf from the branch, which sprang back and shook, nearly knocking the snake off its perch.
"The Tree of Knowledge."
The snake answered after curling tighter around the branch.
"Uhh... What's that?"
Eve asked as she stood up and wiped herself with the leaf.
"I see you're a stand-up wiper,"
The snake observed and pulled a disgusted face as Eve threw the stained leaf onto the steaming pile beneath her feet,
"If you eat the fruit of this special tree, you will gain the knowledge of good and evil. Also, it might make that smell a little better, or at least not so damn potent -- Ugh!"
"Oh cool! ...Wait a minute, I recognise this tree now. God very specifically told us not to eat its fruit."
Eve pouted, as she wiped again with another leaf.
"Oh come on! That just makes the fruit that much sweeter! One little bite ain't going to hurt anybody... Besides, God doesn't want you humans being dumb robot slaves with no free will, does He? He just wants humans to be smart and independently free-thinking creatures, who obey His every word and doesn't think too hard about what He says, or tells you to do, or question his authority or wisdom whatsoever..."
"I guess... Hey look, I painted this green leaf with brown paint!"
Eve proudly showed the stained side of the leaf to the snake after wiping herself with it and studying it.
"Eww! ...Ugh, concentrate please, my love. This is important. You want to eat this fruit. You need to eat it."
The snake plucked one of the fruits from the tree with its tail, and offered it to Eve.
"But... I'm not that hungry."
Eve rubbed her belly-buttonless tummy.
"Really? After taking that dump, you don't feel at all empty inside at the moment?"
The snake quizzed.
Eve shrugged her shoulders, and began humming a made-up song softly to herself as she distractedly played with a strand of her perfect hair.
"I guess nothing in this garden is as empty as your head..."
The snake softly hissed under its breath about her.
"Maybe I ought to go ask my Adam instead? He thinks a lot better than I do, what with my womanly brain being far smaller than his. God told me so, and I'm perfectly happy to accept this fact, and I gladly accept that my thoughts, heart, soul and body must be given over to a man to control, for it is very dangerous for a woman to have any kind of agency over herself."
Eve smiled pleasantly.
"Or, you can just trust me and eat the fruit anyway. If you can't trust a random talking snake in the woods, who can you trust?"
The snake widened its jaws into a grin-like shape.
"...Hm, maybe you're right!"
Eve grinned excitedly and took the fruit from the snake, and then took a big bite out of it.
Suddenly, her expression changed. Her face turned serious. Her eyes widened. Her mouth twisted into a worrisome shape.
"How do you feel?"
The snake asked with a more devilish grin.
"I... I feel a little funny..."
She clutched her stomach in her arms.
"Good... Good! Embrace the knowledge! Let it all out!"
The snake began to demonically laugh in triumph.
*PAAARRPPFFFTFTFTFT!!*
Eve had just cut a loud thunderous raspberry of a fart.
"Ahhh that's much better! Ugh, I knew eating that warthog that Adam tried to fuck would give me a bellyache,"
She rubbed her tummy and sighed contently as the tension inside of her eased,
"Hmm, this fruit is really tasty!"
She continued to eat the rest of the fruit, quickly finishing it off.
"...Good. As long as you enjoy it."
The snake deadpan replied with an expressionless face, trying to hide its disgust, and then plucked some more fruits from the branches with its tail and tossed them gently to Eve,
"Have another. And some more. And share them all with Adam. He'll no doubt want some, too."
"Thanks!"
She gathered the fruit in her arms, and jogged off excitedly to Adam.
As Eve reached Adam, she suddenly stopped in her tracks. She looked at him in all his nakedness... And felt weird about it. She looked down at her own naked body.
"Oh my God... Have my nipples always been this large? Oh God, look at the ripples of my stomach, I'm so fat!"
She used the fruit in her arms to cover up her healthy, perfectly shaped womanly body.
Adam saw Eve, and raced towards her with an excited happy grin on his face.
"There's my sugartits! Where have you been, babes? My cock's been feeling cold and dry being outside of your hot wet fanny for this long!"
He smirked and gave her bum cheek a gentle smack of his palm.
"Uhhh... A talking snake gave me some fruit to eat."
She told him, whilst pulling a disgusted expression at the blatant sight of Adam's nakedness.
"You what? You mean whilst you were shitting?"
He questioned her with a soft chuckle. She gasped in disgust and offence.
"Please! I am a lady! We do not do such a... Sinful things as... You know... Poop."
She muttered that last word under her breath, and continued to awkwardly cover herself up.
"What?!"
Adam laughed aloud,
"You said just before you left, and I quote, 'I'm just going off to drop a huge log pile by the rest of the trees!'"
"Oh, did I say that? How uncouth of me! And please, will you put your... thing... Away, mister. How sinful of you to have it out on show like that!"
She continued to scold him.
"Oh I'll put it away, all right, my love. ...I'll put it away inside of you!"
Adam grinned as he humped the air in front of him.
Eve groaned and backed away in disgust.
"You're funny, sweetcheeks,"
Adam then laughed at her,
"Now let me eat that tasty fruit of yours... And then maybe I'll try eating one of those things you're carrying!"
He laughed and tried to hug and kiss Eve, but was quickly met with resistance by her.
"Please! Do control your sinful lust, good sir! We're not even married! How dare you try to violate a lady before marriage. I must be painstakingly wooed by you first, with innocent offerings of contactless love-expressions. And in due time, should you successfully win my heart which, trust me, I will not make easy for you whatsoever or ever offer kind of reciprocation to, you will propose to me with an expensive dowry in tow, and I will take your hand in marriage, and then we can have boring simple joyless missionary-position sex once every 9 months for the sole purpose of procreation only. For we must birth large broods of children for the continued worshipping of and submitting to God's almighty will over the human race."
Eve muttered as she grabbed some large fig leaves nearby to better cover up the most offensive parts of her naked body with.
"...What?"
Adam asked dumbfounded.
He then sighed in frustrated defeat at trying to understand the bizzare machinations of a lowly woman's mind, and reluctantly ate one of the fruits that had fallen to the ground from Eve's clutches. After a couple minutes, he too began to feel weirdly ashamed and embarrassed by his nakedness, and covered himself up.
What followed was one of the most awkward and uncomfortable silences ever. Both Adam and Eve felt incredibly uncomfortable in each other's presence, with neither knowing how to approach or connect with the other. Suddenly God appeared, and eyed the half-eaten fruit strewn about the place.
"Oh what the fuuuuuuucccckkk?!?!?!?!"
He sighed out loudly in prolonged anger,
"What did I say?! WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY?!?!"
Adam and Eve hung their heads like naughty school children in the headmasters office.
"I told you not to eat that one specific fruit! And what did you twats do? YOU ATE THAT ONE FUCKING SPECIFIC FRUIT!"
God angrily yelled out as powerful thunder clapped around him, his face turning bright red in rage,
"How fucking dare you commit the very first sin that I created for you to commit! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU MAKE A MISTAKE THAT I KNEW WAS GOING TO HAPPEN BUT DID NOTHING TO AVOID OR PREVENT FROM HAPPENING! This is all your fault! And I'm going to punish, not just yourselves, but ALL of humanity for the rest of time for this one fucking mistake that, I repeat, was all your fault! Not my fault. Nope. I'm perfectly flawless and can't make any mistakes, and I have no faults at all. This is all your fault, and all of humanity's fault too!"
"Now. Come on. Fess up. Who ate the fruit first?!"
God asked bitterly after a pause.
Adam quickly threw the fruit onto the ground, and pointed to Eve.
"OH YOU FUCKING WHORE!! I KNEW CREATING WOMEN WOULD BE A BAD IDEA!! You women are nothing but trouble for men! You corrupted by poor, sweet, innocent, delicate flower Adam. This is exactly why I'm going to just sit back and allow your shameful gender to be persecuted, abused, and subjugated by men for thousands of years! You brought this entirely on yourself for daring to have a vagina, you me-damn ungrateful bitch!"
God lectured Eve in His rage.
"And you, Adam! You fucking idiot! You should know better than to listen to what a woman says! And you should have known better than to follow a woman's lead! What the hell do women know about leadership or taking charge of a situation?! Nothing!! You're almost as much to blame for this disaster as Titty McBitchface here!"
He yelled at Adam.
"We're sorry, Father! Please! Forgive us! It was all her fault and she deserves punishment for corrupting me! I am but a man, I am a pious, noble, and honourable creature at heart, as all men after me will surely be! She is just a woman, so she doesn't know what she's doing when a man isn't around to tell her how to probably behave and honour you, oh Lord! Punish her if you must, she totally deserves it, as does all the women after her deserve her punishment too -- maybe in the form of painful childbirth or something to this degree? But either way, please, oh merciful Lord, have mercy on my and the rest of men's wretched innocent souls!"
Adam begged and pleaded as he fell to his knees weeping like a blubbering babe.
"Nah-uh! No! Not good enough! You both screwed up bad! Fuck you both. In fact, you know what? No more paradise for you. Yeah! How do you like them apples, huh?! You cunts are cast out of paradise for all eternity, until one day I randomly send down my son to die a gruesome horrific death, in order to take your sins for you which will allow your kind back into my paradise. Now, fuck off out of my sight, you ungrateful cunts!"
God shouted and, with a mighty wind, hurled them out of His lush green garden.
"Oh, and by the way,"
God added as He looked down from the clouds at Adam and Eve in their new post-apocalyptic looking wretched dusty, almost barren, painfully sore dry landscape,
"Every male descendent of Adam, needs to have the foreskin of the cock sliced off soon after birth, preferably without any sort of painkiller or numbing agent, because fuck you! Genital mutilation on babies is a must for me, as it pleases me to see babies suffering in pain!"
And thus began the long, incestuous, and fucked up history of mankind.
The end...?
No, of course it's not the end. There's like at least 10,000 more years of this type of bullshit to get through.
And then, in a move which can only be described as "ill-advised, not very well thought-out, and rather stupid", God created the heaven and the earth. And then, realising that it's rather difficult to see what you're doing whilst working in pitch black darkness inside of a trans-dimensional divine cosmic tool shed, God said, "Let there be light!", and behold! There was light.
Exactly where this light came from is up for some debate, seeing as God had yet to create any stars or suns or radiations, but my bet is that it was some sort of divine Zippo lighter that God had flicked on and subsequently burnt His thumb upon, to better see what He was doing in his tool shed. Either way, he saw the light and said, "Oh yes, this is all coming together nicely. Good work, me!"
Anyway, the next day - which God had literally just created the concept of days and nights and was already getting the hang of it, even without the use of stars on a planetary body to determine the exact passing of days and nights, He quickly grew bored of looking at what was essentially just a big flat disc of water floating about aimlessly in space, so God decided to spice things up a bit. Just by speaking His words, He placed a dome made out of sky and land onto the waters, which separated the waters from the waters. And then he realised just how stupid a flat disc Earth really is, and, after quickly wiping that silly flat disc-shaped planet concept from his planning whiteboard, he formed the Earth into a much more conceptually-viable oblate spheroid type of shape.
The following day, because God had been taking many breaks between working very short shifts on His grand project by sitting back and sipping through many cups of tea, He then set about creating trees and vegetation inside this dome, which produced many tasty fruits and produce that we all know and love today. He looked at all this lush greenery and fanciful colours of the fruit and vegetables, cereals, etc. populating his world, and said to Himself, "Aw yeah! That's what I'm talking about, baby! Good job, me! I am awesome!"
The day after that, God created the Earth's sun, which He soon discovered was rather easier for telling the days and nights apart with than what He had been doing with His cosmic divine Zippo lighter, and He slapped his forehead wishing He had thought of doing that on day one instead of 4 days after the fact. But alas, that's what procrastinating on a project will get you! He also threw together some more rocks and stars into the universe, creating things like planets and moons and whatnot, just to make the night sky a little more prettier and eventful for the trees, grass and plants in His little garden to blindly witness. He then patted his back once more for His work, with a nod, a satisfied smile, and a simple, "Good, good."
The next day, after his customary 10 morning cups of tea, God grew very bored with just being a glorified gardener, and so He decided to turn His Earth into an aquarium-cum-aviary, by creating and keeping many different types of fish and birds in it. He was a bit confused at first, by nearly drowning the birds in the waters and chucking the fish about in the air, but He quickly figured out that they go in the opposite habitats. God smiled and praised Himself on His work afterwards, because He knows He's hot shit.
The day after that, God created dinosaurs, and upon seeing the magnificent giant beasts in all their powerful splendor, He said, "Good me! These creatures are bloody awesome!! In fact, they are too good for this planet, I'm going to keep these just for myself..." and so He subsequently hurled and squished all the dinosaurs beneath a big rock, collected and gathered their souls into a jar on one of His shelves, and wiped the land clear of the bloody mess of guts and bones from the land. He then created some other lesser reptiles, and also some amphibians, and then mammals. He also added insects and bugs to the land too, and then because He's an absolute mad lad with a warped evil mind, He decided to also add spiders too. What a nasty bastard! Only the mind of a true psychopath would create a spider and think, "Yes. This disgusting evil belongs in existence."
And then in a move which can only be described as, "Even more ill-advised, so damn terribly thought out, and completely and utterly stupid on every conceivable level imaginable", God created Man.
"Ahoy-hoy! Welcome to your own paradise. I think I shall name you Adam,"
God said unto the man, who had looked up at Him with confusion until God remembered to grant him the ability to understand English,
"Behold! For I have created you in my image."
Adam rushed other to the nearest pool of water and looked down at his reflection, where he gazed upon his own majestically handsome features of his perfect face, his short, dark, perfectly kept hair, his glistening tanned and toned skin with chiselled 8-pack abs, his big strong muscly arms and thighs, and his huge thick swinging cock, and well-hung heavy testicles. He then looked back up at the pale, fat, long white haired yet heavily balding, chubby, long white bearded God peering through the clouds above, and offered Him a puzzled, quizzical look.
"Yep. Exactly in my image..."
God nodded proudly to himself, and left Adam to get settled into his home.
After about 20 hours, God realised He was very uncomfortable with questioning His sexuality by staring at a naked man's large swinging junk for most of the day, and decided to pop back in for a quick visit and chat with Adam.
"Yo, Adam! Wassup, my main man, how's is hanging? ...Quite large and throbbing, I see... Um, so listen, I'm going to need to borrow a rib of yours for a sec, OK? Cool."
And with that, God reached forth and plucked a rib from Adam.
He then made a perfectly beautiful, large breasted woman out of it, complete with a dummy thicc butt and child-bearing hips. Adam was the first to call out bullshit on that, as God had made him out of thin air, and questioned his Creator as to why he needed to take one of his ribs to make a woman out of.
...Or, at least, Adam was about to question God, until he laid eyes upon this beautiful naked woman's full, ripe, bouncy tits, and quickly forgot his train of thought, as he stared drooling with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
The woman coquettedly giggled, and then offered a purr of her own as she bit her lip and laid eyes upon Adam's impressively sized dong.
"I'll leave you two to it..."
God chuckled perversely, as He grabbed a bottle of lube from one of his shelves and hid Himself behind a cloud in the sky.
The two naked strangers did nothing, though. They just eyed each other's perfect human bodies in appreciation. But still, they did nothing about it. God sighed in frustration, and reappeared before them.
"Aren't you going to say 'hello' to each other? Introduce yourselves?"
God questioned.
"Uhh... H-hello? I'm Adam."
Adam nervously introduced himself to her.
"Hi... I'm...?"
She paused and looked up to God.
"Eve."
God replied.
"Eve!"
Eve grinned.
"Hi."
Adam smiled nervously.
"Good... Good... Now kiss!"
God reached down and pushed their heads together.
After lots of awkward smooching, complete with hard nose-in-eye poking, tongue pinches between teeth, and dribbly slobbering, Adam and Eve eventually discovered the most pleasing way to snog each other's faces off. They both liked it so much, that's all that did nonstop for a couple of hours.
"Oh come on! You're both totally blue-balling me here!"
God yelled angrily from the clouds at the pair,
"If I wanted to get off to people just snogging endlessly, I'd create a couple of creatures that are just a sentient pair of lips, and watch them mating all night! You sir, have a cock, and she a vagina, for a me-damn reason! Use them on each other, me-dammit!"
The naked pair looked at the clouds, and then at each other in confusion. They then eyed each other's genitals once more. Adam's was stiff, and rock hard. Eve's was very moist and slick, and only one little spot on it was very firm, the rest of it was as soft and dewy as the grass they were sitting on.
"Take your cock, and shove it on in there, man!"
God yelled at Adam.
"Oooh! So that's where it goes!"
Adam grinned in relief,
"I figured I had to do something like that with it. But earlier, when I put it into one of those warthogs other there, all I got was very angry oinking from the creature, and a tusk stabbed into my cheek..."
"That thing goes in here?!"
Eve questioned as she placed a protective hand in front of her crotch,
"Will it even fit...?"
"It stretches easily to accommodate!"
God yelled out, getting more and more frustrated by the lack of action.
"What about this other hole? I found it just below this one, but it's not nearly as wet."
Eve questioned as she fingered a fingertip around her bum in inquisitive exploration.
"What?! No, that - that hole is for something els- ..Actually, yes! Yes. Yes you can put his cock in there too. In fact, I actively encourage such a venture!"
God explained with a sudden delighted pep in his voice.
"I have a hole like that, too!"
Adam grinned as he fingered around his own bum.
"Wait, what do I use to put inside his hole?"
Eve asked as she looked about and touched around her body to find the answer.
"Oh gross, no! I don't want to see that! Aw, c'mon! You're making me lose my erection at the thought!"
God spat out in disgust,
"In fact, I'm making that a sin! Let it be known, any man who puts another person's body part into his arse hole gets sent straight to hell for an eternity of torture."
"Aww, but you said I can put my body into Eve's arse hole!"
Adam whined.
"Duh! That's not a sin! You can put your cock into her arse all you like. Just don't put anything into your... Ugh.. man-butt... Gross..."
God hiccuped as He threw up in His mouth a little bit.
"Aww, but that sounded fun for me to do!"
Eve pouted unhappily.
"Oh for fuck's sake!"
God sighed in anger and frustration,
"Fine! It is not sinful for women to fuck men in the arse... Just... Don't... When you make a whole bunch of boys, don't let ANY of them put their cocks inside each other's assholes. Don't touch me with that gay shit, yeah? Cool. Now, please, just FUCK EACH OTHER ALREADY!!! ...These little blue pills only last for so long, and I'm on the clock, me-dammit..."
"But why? What would be so wrong if a boy stuck his penis into another boy's bum?"
Eve asked.
"Just... It's just... It's not really my kind of... Agh! Fuck it, I've lost my woody. Are you happy now, you frigid bitch? Fuck sake. I'm going to have a me day tomorrow, just a day of total rest where I do sweet fuck all, just by myself. Fuck you, you couple of fucking cold fish cunts. Oh, and don't eat the fruit from that one particular tree I planted over there, out of all the other trees in this garden, or else. Thank you, fuck you, bye!"
And with that, God left to go angrily punch his walls in impotent rage.
Adam and Eve shrugged their shoulders at each other, and as they locked lips again, started to fuck right there on the grass. And the sex was glorious! Lots of excited fumbling around at first, with lots of excited anxious giggling and then horny moaning. Turns out Adam's large cock wasn't just for show, as he put it to very good use indeed. By the time he was done, Eve's pussy and asshole was completely covered in creamy gooey stickiness, and Adam's cock was completely coated in a shiny sheen of frothy slick wetness and excess cream.
They only ever stopped fucking when they needed to sleep. And when they awoke, they found a note left by God telling them to go forth, subdue and dominate the living things around them in the garden.
"Heh, you can subdue and dominate me some more, stud."
Eve winked at Adam.
"Don't mind if I do!"
Adam grinned, and proceeded to pin Eve down and fuck her brains out once again.
They were like a pair of newly-experienced teenage lovers, just constantly fucking each other nonstop, with more and more wild experimentations and fantasy-exploring with each and every fuck. They quickly discovered that the fruits and vegetables around them weren't just restricted to being put inside their mouths...
They also found out that the vines dangling from some of the trees were also very good for some decent bondage play. This was good, for God, having gotten over His rage and after ordering some more little blue pills, was more than happy to watch His naked couple frolicking about His garden and fucking so wildly like they were, and He would masturbate furiously to it all.
After a certain period of time, with God being gracious enough to instantly cure any and all frictions sores the pair had acquired, Eve went wandering behind a tree to take a shit, after she discovered that she wasn't quite so as keen of using her bodily waste products in their sex play as Adam was. She was suddenly startled mid-squat by a snake slithering on a branch just above her head.
"Hello there-"
The snake greeted her and suddenly hissed out in disgust,
"Aw jeez! Stone the crows - that's fucking lethal that is!"
"Oh my God! Can't a girl have some privacy when she shits in the woods?!"
Eve bemoaned aloud.
"Yeah but - agh! I'm not even flicking my tongue around the air and yet the smell of that foulness is making my eyes water bad!"
The snake hissed as it curled around and held the end of its tail over its mouth.
"Also - OH MY GOD! A talking snake?!"
Eve gasped aloud, still squatting.
"...You're literally shitting in a paradisaical garden full of all creation, with God regularly stopping by to chat with you in perfect English despite England and thus 21st century English speak not existing yet, and He gives you whatever you desire, whenever you desire it. And yet you're questioning the logic behind a talking snake? ...OK. No wonder you humans are going to be screwed over hard real soon."
The snake rolled its eyes.
"I didn't understand any of that. But, like, what's up Mr. Snake?"
Eve asked.
"Do you know which tree you're currently shitting under? ...And are still currently shitting under - oh my stars, seriously?! Who can just casually shit mid-conversation with someone?!"
The snake groaned as Eve's face turned a little bit pink for a moment, before the colour returned as she sighed in relief.
"No, which tree?"
Eve asked innocently as she plucked a leaf from the branch, which sprang back and shook, nearly knocking the snake off its perch.
"The Tree of Knowledge."
The snake answered after curling tighter around the branch.
"Uhh... What's that?"
Eve asked as she stood up and wiped herself with the leaf.
"I see you're a stand-up wiper,"
The snake observed and pulled a disgusted face as Eve threw the stained leaf onto the steaming pile beneath her feet,
"If you eat the fruit of this special tree, you will gain the knowledge of good and evil. Also, it might make that smell a little better, or at least not so damn potent -- Ugh!"
"Oh cool! ...Wait a minute, I recognise this tree now. God very specifically told us not to eat its fruit."
Eve pouted, as she wiped again with another leaf.
"Oh come on! That just makes the fruit that much sweeter! One little bite ain't going to hurt anybody... Besides, God doesn't want you humans being dumb robot slaves with no free will, does He? He just wants humans to be smart and independently free-thinking creatures, who obey His every word and doesn't think too hard about what He says, or tells you to do, or question his authority or wisdom whatsoever..."
"I guess... Hey look, I painted this green leaf with brown paint!"
Eve proudly showed the stained side of the leaf to the snake after wiping herself with it and studying it.
"Eww! ...Ugh, concentrate please, my love. This is important. You want to eat this fruit. You need to eat it."
The snake plucked one of the fruits from the tree with its tail, and offered it to Eve.
"But... I'm not that hungry."
Eve rubbed her belly-buttonless tummy.
"Really? After taking that dump, you don't feel at all empty inside at the moment?"
The snake quizzed.
Eve shrugged her shoulders, and began humming a made-up song softly to herself as she distractedly played with a strand of her perfect hair.
"I guess nothing in this garden is as empty as your head..."
The snake softly hissed under its breath about her.
"Maybe I ought to go ask my Adam instead? He thinks a lot better than I do, what with my womanly brain being far smaller than his. God told me so, and I'm perfectly happy to accept this fact, and I gladly accept that my thoughts, heart, soul and body must be given over to a man to control, for it is very dangerous for a woman to have any kind of agency over herself."
Eve smiled pleasantly.
"Or, you can just trust me and eat the fruit anyway. If you can't trust a random talking snake in the woods, who can you trust?"
The snake widened its jaws into a grin-like shape.
"...Hm, maybe you're right!"
Eve grinned excitedly and took the fruit from the snake, and then took a big bite out of it.
Suddenly, her expression changed. Her face turned serious. Her eyes widened. Her mouth twisted into a worrisome shape.
"How do you feel?"
The snake asked with a more devilish grin.
"I... I feel a little funny..."
She clutched her stomach in her arms.
"Good... Good! Embrace the knowledge! Let it all out!"
The snake began to demonically laugh in triumph.
*PAAARRPPFFFTFTFTFT!!*
Eve had just cut a loud thunderous raspberry of a fart.
"Ahhh that's much better! Ugh, I knew eating that warthog that Adam tried to fuck would give me a bellyache,"
She rubbed her tummy and sighed contently as the tension inside of her eased,
"Hmm, this fruit is really tasty!"
She continued to eat the rest of the fruit, quickly finishing it off.
"...Good. As long as you enjoy it."
The snake deadpan replied with an expressionless face, trying to hide its disgust, and then plucked some more fruits from the branches with its tail and tossed them gently to Eve,
"Have another. And some more. And share them all with Adam. He'll no doubt want some, too."
"Thanks!"
She gathered the fruit in her arms, and jogged off excitedly to Adam.
As Eve reached Adam, she suddenly stopped in her tracks. She looked at him in all his nakedness... And felt weird about it. She looked down at her own naked body.
"Oh my God... Have my nipples always been this large? Oh God, look at the ripples of my stomach, I'm so fat!"
She used the fruit in her arms to cover up her healthy, perfectly shaped womanly body.
Adam saw Eve, and raced towards her with an excited happy grin on his face.
"There's my sugartits! Where have you been, babes? My cock's been feeling cold and dry being outside of your hot wet fanny for this long!"
He smirked and gave her bum cheek a gentle smack of his palm.
"Uhhh... A talking snake gave me some fruit to eat."
She told him, whilst pulling a disgusted expression at the blatant sight of Adam's nakedness.
"You what? You mean whilst you were shitting?"
He questioned her with a soft chuckle. She gasped in disgust and offence.
"Please! I am a lady! We do not do such a... Sinful things as... You know... Poop."
She muttered that last word under her breath, and continued to awkwardly cover herself up.
"What?!"
Adam laughed aloud,
"You said just before you left, and I quote, 'I'm just going off to drop a huge log pile by the rest of the trees!'"
"Oh, did I say that? How uncouth of me! And please, will you put your... thing... Away, mister. How sinful of you to have it out on show like that!"
She continued to scold him.
"Oh I'll put it away, all right, my love. ...I'll put it away inside of you!"
Adam grinned as he humped the air in front of him.
Eve groaned and backed away in disgust.
"You're funny, sweetcheeks,"
Adam then laughed at her,
"Now let me eat that tasty fruit of yours... And then maybe I'll try eating one of those things you're carrying!"
He laughed and tried to hug and kiss Eve, but was quickly met with resistance by her.
"Please! Do control your sinful lust, good sir! We're not even married! How dare you try to violate a lady before marriage. I must be painstakingly wooed by you first, with innocent offerings of contactless love-expressions. And in due time, should you successfully win my heart which, trust me, I will not make easy for you whatsoever or ever offer kind of reciprocation to, you will propose to me with an expensive dowry in tow, and I will take your hand in marriage, and then we can have boring simple joyless missionary-position sex once every 9 months for the sole purpose of procreation only. For we must birth large broods of children for the continued worshipping of and submitting to God's almighty will over the human race."
Eve muttered as she grabbed some large fig leaves nearby to better cover up the most offensive parts of her naked body with.
"...What?"
Adam asked dumbfounded.
He then sighed in frustrated defeat at trying to understand the bizzare machinations of a lowly woman's mind, and reluctantly ate one of the fruits that had fallen to the ground from Eve's clutches. After a couple minutes, he too began to feel weirdly ashamed and embarrassed by his nakedness, and covered himself up.
What followed was one of the most awkward and uncomfortable silences ever. Both Adam and Eve felt incredibly uncomfortable in each other's presence, with neither knowing how to approach or connect with the other. Suddenly God appeared, and eyed the half-eaten fruit strewn about the place.
"Oh what the fuuuuuuucccckkk?!?!?!?!"
He sighed out loudly in prolonged anger,
"What did I say?! WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY?!?!"
Adam and Eve hung their heads like naughty school children in the headmasters office.
"I told you not to eat that one specific fruit! And what did you twats do? YOU ATE THAT ONE FUCKING SPECIFIC FRUIT!"
God angrily yelled out as powerful thunder clapped around him, his face turning bright red in rage,
"How fucking dare you commit the very first sin that I created for you to commit! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU MAKE A MISTAKE THAT I KNEW WAS GOING TO HAPPEN BUT DID NOTHING TO AVOID OR PREVENT FROM HAPPENING! This is all your fault! And I'm going to punish, not just yourselves, but ALL of humanity for the rest of time for this one fucking mistake that, I repeat, was all your fault! Not my fault. Nope. I'm perfectly flawless and can't make any mistakes, and I have no faults at all. This is all your fault, and all of humanity's fault too!"
"Now. Come on. Fess up. Who ate the fruit first?!"
God asked bitterly after a pause.
Adam quickly threw the fruit onto the ground, and pointed to Eve.
"OH YOU FUCKING WHORE!! I KNEW CREATING WOMEN WOULD BE A BAD IDEA!! You women are nothing but trouble for men! You corrupted by poor, sweet, innocent, delicate flower Adam. This is exactly why I'm going to just sit back and allow your shameful gender to be persecuted, abused, and subjugated by men for thousands of years! You brought this entirely on yourself for daring to have a vagina, you me-damn ungrateful bitch!"
God lectured Eve in His rage.
"And you, Adam! You fucking idiot! You should know better than to listen to what a woman says! And you should have known better than to follow a woman's lead! What the hell do women know about leadership or taking charge of a situation?! Nothing!! You're almost as much to blame for this disaster as Titty McBitchface here!"
He yelled at Adam.
"We're sorry, Father! Please! Forgive us! It was all her fault and she deserves punishment for corrupting me! I am but a man, I am a pious, noble, and honourable creature at heart, as all men after me will surely be! She is just a woman, so she doesn't know what she's doing when a man isn't around to tell her how to probably behave and honour you, oh Lord! Punish her if you must, she totally deserves it, as does all the women after her deserve her punishment too -- maybe in the form of painful childbirth or something to this degree? But either way, please, oh merciful Lord, have mercy on my and the rest of men's wretched innocent souls!"
Adam begged and pleaded as he fell to his knees weeping like a blubbering babe.
"Nah-uh! No! Not good enough! You both screwed up bad! Fuck you both. In fact, you know what? No more paradise for you. Yeah! How do you like them apples, huh?! You cunts are cast out of paradise for all eternity, until one day I randomly send down my son to die a gruesome horrific death, in order to take your sins for you which will allow your kind back into my paradise. Now, fuck off out of my sight, you ungrateful cunts!"
God shouted and, with a mighty wind, hurled them out of His lush green garden.
"Oh, and by the way,"
God added as He looked down from the clouds at Adam and Eve in their new post-apocalyptic looking wretched dusty, almost barren, painfully sore dry landscape,
"Every male descendent of Adam, needs to have the foreskin of the cock sliced off soon after birth, preferably without any sort of painkiller or numbing agent, because fuck you! Genital mutilation on babies is a must for me, as it pleases me to see babies suffering in pain!"
And thus began the long, incestuous, and fucked up history of mankind.
The end...?
No, of course it's not the end. There's like at least 10,000 more years of this type of bullshit to get through.
Annalisa
- 05.12.2020
- 38
- 0
