Love And Sex In The Time of Zombies
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"I love you Sam Puckett." She said to herself in a mirror.
Today was the day, Carly had worked on this all month, and she was going to confess to Sam. At first she was terrified about what Sam would say, but now she just wanted it off her chest.
"I love you Sam Puckett." She repeated, just as she had done a thousand times before, and now Sam was on her way over so the tension was building. A knock at the door.
In a sing song-y voice Carly answered. "Whooo iss it?"
"It’s me, open up." Came Sam’s reply, but when Carly opened up the door she never expected this.
"SAM? Whose blood is that all over you, are you OK? Come in ill clean you up, come in come in!" Her brain on the verge of meltdown.
"I'm sorry carls...” Sam muttered sleepily.
Carly couldn't think straight. "Sorry about what?" She said cleaning the blood off of Sam's right arm.
"I lost the bracelet, I'm really sorry, I liked it so much."
"Sam? I..." she stopped as the memory of the friendship bracelets they made each other came back. Carly had done it a few times, but for Sam it was the first time and, though she tried to hide it, obviously really important to her. Snapping back to reality she noticed it missing from Sam's arm. In spite of everything she stopped right there and hugged her. "It’s OK Sam, I’ll make you another one... HEY WAIT, where did all this blood come from?"
"Oh yea, my mom’s new 'boyfriend'," She did air quotations. "Tried to jump me, he was covered in it, you mind if I shower?"
"Of course not! I’ll wait outside the bathroom in case you need me, you look a bit woozy."
"Yeah, he clubbed me pretty hard, but he never got a bite in."
"Bite? Is that slang?"
"No. Really Carly, dude tried to bite be, what the chiz right? Who does that?"
About half an hour later Sam knocked at the bathroom door. "Hey, can I borrow some clothes? Just like a shirt and jeans."
Carly, paying way more attention to the door than necessary, popped up immediately. "OK!" She grabbed a cuttlefish shirt and purposefully picked one of her tightest jeans, this wasn't the first time she had to do this, and Carly liked Ms Puckett. In tight jeans. She handed them to the floating hand sticking out of the bathroom. Minutes later the silence was awkward, for Carly wanting to say it now, but was it a good time? Can't never did anything.
"Sam?"
"Yea cupcake?" Oh she loves that nickname. "There's something I wanna say to you."
Just then there was a loud bang downstairs followed by the door slamming. Moment forgotten they rushed downstairs to find an exasperated Spencer and Freddie, holding curious items. Freddie had a fire axe still dripping red, and Spencer had what looked like a leaf blower with ducks painted on it. "Girls! Oh thank god you’re OK!" Spencer half screamed.
"Yeah... were fine, what’s going on?" Carly answered.
"ARE YOU SERIOUS? I think they're serious. ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Freddie yelled.
"Just have them..." Spencer cut off, turning to the girls. "Just turn on the news, OK?" So the two girls plopped down on the couch and flipped on the news while the boys stayed in their stance against the now locked door.
The announcer looked freaked. "...reports are still coming in about an infection originating at a little taco stand in downtown Seattle…"
"Hey, I love that place!" Sam cut in.
The news continued. "These people have some kind of infection causing large sores to cover the body, and they become violent. The CDC is issuing a warning, do not allow yourself to be bitten, this is the primary injury caused by the infected people, the police are calling the victims 'taco zombies'."
"Wait," Sam held up both hands. "....does this mean no more tacos?" Everyone glared at her. "What? They were good....."
Spencer tried to save the conversation. "O.....k well me and Freddie here were headed back from Socko's sock shop and out of nowhere a couple of smelly rotten looking guys came in and they were all like 'spleeeewouunoot' and I was like 'whaaa?' And he..."
Freddie cut him off. "No, no, no, it was more of a 'spearglearglenoeenot'."
Spencer looked at him carefully. "Your right, your right, and after I said 'whaaa?' He went all...” Freddie did this part as well. "Gragakakakogleraa!" Spencer smiled looking at Carly and Sam, pointing at Freddie.
"Look, cut the chiz, the short version!" Sam said with finality. Spencer crossed his arms.
"Fine you... you don't have to get mad... Anyway, this dude tried to bite me, I mean come on! Am I delicious?" Spencer lightly rubbed his gut. "I mean, who does that?"
Sam piped in. "I know right?"
"Guys, this is serious! What are we gonna do?"
Carly finally spoke up. "Well there were only the two guys, and then Lewbert..."
"Let me guess, taco-Lewbert?" Freddie nodded like crazy.
"Yea, he’s crazy!" There was a loud knock at the door. A noise like an angry beaver choking on a chainsaw poured in their ears.
"Ghakapakakaaakka!"
"Is that...” Carly was cut off by Spencer.
"Shhhh."
The noise carried on, taco-Lewbert slammed against the door. Carly jumped into Sam's lap, and Sam fell to the couch.
"Sam, I have something to say to you!" She yelled over the cacophony.
"Is this really the time?" was Sam's response.
"Yea, now or never, I love you Sam Puckett. I've been in love with you for months!"
Sam’s incredulous look was priceless. "Really? You mean it?"
Instead of responding she started kissing her as taco-Lewbert smashed the door to splinters and Freddie got out of the way as Spencer turned on the leaf blower and flames shot out, as well as quacking noises.
"I knew this would be handy." Spencer bellowed as the world went white around them as their passionate kiss deepened Carly felt a peace she had never felt, even here, at the end.
"Carly? Caaarls... Carlotta!" Sam yelled, adding a musical note to the last part of it.
Carly woke with a start, her face buried in a pillow on the couch. "Huwhahuh...what? Oh..."
"What’s wrong cupcake?" Sam asked.
"Oh, i was having this dream with... taco-zombies, a leaf-flamethrower, and an evil Lewbert...?" Only now thinking how silly it all sounded.
"Wow, that's pretty awesome, was I there?"
"Yea, speaking of which I have something to tell you."
"Go ahead, what’s on your mind?"
"I love you Sam Puckett."
"Ugh, I'm at home." she said with disgust. This was a completely normal reaction for the few times she slept at home. She sleepily looked around her room, nothing but soda bottles, fat cake wrappers, and clothes as far as she could see. The only clean-ish place was around her computer, which she seldom used.
Next, once upright, was time for a cuttlefish shirt and loose jeans snagged from climbing fences. Following the beaten path through the living room to the front door and it was off to Carly's.
The yells of her mother from behind her did nothing to slow her down as she walked quickly down the street in Carly’s direction. This was not a good day, she had the dream again. That wonderful and terrible dream that began and ended at Carly's apartment. The very place her brisk walk was taking her.
"That dream... that damned dream," she thought to herself. It was like shaking bacon in her face then taking it away... hmm bacon. Thoughts of cooked meat quickened her pace. As she walked through Seattle she passed the questionable burrito stand, her chili joint, the groovy smoothie, and the S Mart.
Finding her way to the apartment building the first thing she noticed was the grey sky, then thought a moment.
"I wonder why no one was out walking around. Sure it’s cloudy, but if I'm awake it’s what, like noon?" She shrugged and went in not really noticing the lack of Lewbert in the lobby. In the elevator "the girl from Emanation" was playing in the music.
With a trained pace of doing the same thing she walked up and into Carly’s place, no knocking of course. There she was, sleeping peacefully on the couch. Sam approached and sat on the table looking at her. Carly's face suddenly contorted into a frown, then she started flailing. Sam's hands shot to her shoulders and shook her.
"Carly? Caaarls... Carlotta!" Sam yelled, adding a musical note to the last part of it.
Carly woke with a start, her face buried in a pillow on the couch. "Huwhahuh...what? Oh..." Obviously this was an interesting dream.
"What’s wrong cupcake?" Sam asked.
"Oh, I was having this dream with... taco-zombies, a leaf-flamethrower, and an evil Lewbert...?" replied Carly.
"Wow, that’s pretty awesome, was I there?" Sam pictured herself surrounded by zombies in taco costumes.
"Yea, speaking of which I have something to tell you."
"Go ahead, what’s on your mind?"
"I love you Sam Puckett."
'No' she thought. 'Not again.' Sam fell to the ground, hitting hard, but immediately scrambling out the door. 'No one around, grey sky, Carly loves me, AND I can’t feel pain, this is another dream. If this doesn’t stop I'm going to lose it!'
She had no idea where she was going walking so hard she could almost feel the ground complaining. Smelling something sweet she turned, snapping from her reverie. The bank said FREE BARBECUED RIBS WITH NEW ACCOUNTS on a banner.
"Sounds legit." she said aloud as she walked in and stood in line in the NEW ACCOUNTS line.
The smell was killing her. From nowhere, though to her right in the center of the room, came the sounds of machine gunfire. Totally forgetting that this is obviously a dream she said "seriously?" The figure holding the gun was slim in a forties style coat and a Nixon mask.
In a digitized voice it spoke. "To the ground and no lives will cease."
She, along with the other patrons hit the ground. Others dressed similarly came in the door, there was Bill and Hilary Clinton, and George Washington. The newcomers immediately went to the vault and began burning their way in with some sort of laser.
'Well, that’s new.' She thought.
The other members of the gang were finally through the vault after several deathly quiet minutes with only the dull sound of the laser playing on. Sirens blared outside, a police bullhorn played a song Sam has heard in movies a million times. "This is the police, we have you surrounded, you have no means of escape. Let the hostages go and your sentence may be lessened."
Nixon perked up and spoke towards the rest of the group. "10 minutes."
He then walked to the window and threw out a grenade. The explosion wasn't too loud inside, but the broken glass everywhere made the people around her cringe. The woman closest to her looked her straight in the eyes and shouted.
"Oh Sam, are you OK? Speak to me!" She just looked back. "Uh...yea? What the chiz?"
Coming from the left there was a couple swat team members came in and fired upon the main robber. The bullets hitting him sounded like pouring lemonade and they fell off of him. The shots, though he was fine, ripped off his mask and coat, revealed his body of really shiny metal. He fired back at them, mowing them down. Now Sam knew this was something big, she glanced, around looking for a weapon. Seeing the posts that the velvet rope that divides the row she moved. Swinging from a prone position to scoop it up and smack the gun out of the hands of the robot robber. The gun landed at a rent-a-cop’s feet, who picked it up and gestured to the robot to move toward the vault.
Sam and the rent-a-cop seemed to be doing well when the robber with the Bill mask popped out and shot him, Sam jumped clear, hiding around a corner.
That excitement was almost completely forgotten when Sam's favourite cop kicked down part of the wall.
"Holy chiz, is that Robocop?!"
The appearance of a new threat brought out the assailants, he took down the first two immediately, and then shortly the third.
"I will not leave alive, but I will upload the program." the robot voice rang from the vault.
"Don't try it, alien, it’s been moved to a secure facility." As soon as the sentence left Robocop the alien robot burst through the wall, Sam instinct-fully leapt on his back.
She heard Spencer's voice ring in her ears "Sam, grck! You’re choking me..!" the world flashed white and the bank started crumbling around her and she felt herself thrown onto something soft. Opening her eyes the first thing she saw was Carly’s face, in tears.
"Wha, what’s going on?"
"Sam!"
Carly said hugging her tight. “I was so worried! I was talking to you and you fell and smacked your head, you’ve been out forever!"
"Well it’s been like twe-" Spencer tried to say and she cut him off.
"Then you attacked Spencer and he threw you into the couch."
Sam thought hard and things started to make sense, even though her head was throbbing. "Carly, this is super important."
Both she and Spencer leaned in close, Spencer getting shooed. In a low voice Sam asked. "What was the last thing you said to me before I fell? You have to tell me."
Looking straight in her eyes she said. "I love you Sam Pucke-"
With eyes full of tears Sam cut her off with a desperate kiss.
"I was hoping you would say that."
"I love you Sam Puckett." She said to herself in a mirror.
Today was the day, Carly had worked on this all month, and she was going to confess to Sam. At first she was terrified about what Sam would say, but now she just wanted it off her chest.
"I love you Sam Puckett." She repeated, just as she had done a thousand times before, and now Sam was on her way over so the tension was building. A knock at the door.
In a sing song-y voice Carly answered. "Whooo iss it?"
"It’s me, open up." Came Sam’s reply, but when Carly opened up the door she never expected this.
"SAM? Whose blood is that all over you, are you OK? Come in ill clean you up, come in come in!" Her brain on the verge of meltdown.
"I'm sorry carls...” Sam muttered sleepily.
Carly couldn't think straight. "Sorry about what?" She said cleaning the blood off of Sam's right arm.
"I lost the bracelet, I'm really sorry, I liked it so much."
"Sam? I..." she stopped as the memory of the friendship bracelets they made each other came back. Carly had done it a few times, but for Sam it was the first time and, though she tried to hide it, obviously really important to her. Snapping back to reality she noticed it missing from Sam's arm. In spite of everything she stopped right there and hugged her. "It’s OK Sam, I’ll make you another one... HEY WAIT, where did all this blood come from?"
"Oh yea, my mom’s new 'boyfriend'," She did air quotations. "Tried to jump me, he was covered in it, you mind if I shower?"
"Of course not! I’ll wait outside the bathroom in case you need me, you look a bit woozy."
"Yeah, he clubbed me pretty hard, but he never got a bite in."
"Bite? Is that slang?"
"No. Really Carly, dude tried to bite be, what the chiz right? Who does that?"
About half an hour later Sam knocked at the bathroom door. "Hey, can I borrow some clothes? Just like a shirt and jeans."
Carly, paying way more attention to the door than necessary, popped up immediately. "OK!" She grabbed a cuttlefish shirt and purposefully picked one of her tightest jeans, this wasn't the first time she had to do this, and Carly liked Ms Puckett. In tight jeans. She handed them to the floating hand sticking out of the bathroom. Minutes later the silence was awkward, for Carly wanting to say it now, but was it a good time? Can't never did anything.
"Sam?"
"Yea cupcake?" Oh she loves that nickname. "There's something I wanna say to you."
Just then there was a loud bang downstairs followed by the door slamming. Moment forgotten they rushed downstairs to find an exasperated Spencer and Freddie, holding curious items. Freddie had a fire axe still dripping red, and Spencer had what looked like a leaf blower with ducks painted on it. "Girls! Oh thank god you’re OK!" Spencer half screamed.
"Yeah... were fine, what’s going on?" Carly answered.
"ARE YOU SERIOUS? I think they're serious. ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Freddie yelled.
"Just have them..." Spencer cut off, turning to the girls. "Just turn on the news, OK?" So the two girls plopped down on the couch and flipped on the news while the boys stayed in their stance against the now locked door.
The announcer looked freaked. "...reports are still coming in about an infection originating at a little taco stand in downtown Seattle…"
"Hey, I love that place!" Sam cut in.
The news continued. "These people have some kind of infection causing large sores to cover the body, and they become violent. The CDC is issuing a warning, do not allow yourself to be bitten, this is the primary injury caused by the infected people, the police are calling the victims 'taco zombies'."
"Wait," Sam held up both hands. "....does this mean no more tacos?" Everyone glared at her. "What? They were good....."
Spencer tried to save the conversation. "O.....k well me and Freddie here were headed back from Socko's sock shop and out of nowhere a couple of smelly rotten looking guys came in and they were all like 'spleeeewouunoot' and I was like 'whaaa?' And he..."
Freddie cut him off. "No, no, no, it was more of a 'spearglearglenoeenot'."
Spencer looked at him carefully. "Your right, your right, and after I said 'whaaa?' He went all...” Freddie did this part as well. "Gragakakakogleraa!" Spencer smiled looking at Carly and Sam, pointing at Freddie.
"Look, cut the chiz, the short version!" Sam said with finality. Spencer crossed his arms.
"Fine you... you don't have to get mad... Anyway, this dude tried to bite me, I mean come on! Am I delicious?" Spencer lightly rubbed his gut. "I mean, who does that?"
Sam piped in. "I know right?"
"Guys, this is serious! What are we gonna do?"
Carly finally spoke up. "Well there were only the two guys, and then Lewbert..."
"Let me guess, taco-Lewbert?" Freddie nodded like crazy.
"Yea, he’s crazy!" There was a loud knock at the door. A noise like an angry beaver choking on a chainsaw poured in their ears.
"Ghakapakakaaakka!"
"Is that...” Carly was cut off by Spencer.
"Shhhh."
The noise carried on, taco-Lewbert slammed against the door. Carly jumped into Sam's lap, and Sam fell to the couch.
"Sam, I have something to say to you!" She yelled over the cacophony.
"Is this really the time?" was Sam's response.
"Yea, now or never, I love you Sam Puckett. I've been in love with you for months!"
Sam’s incredulous look was priceless. "Really? You mean it?"
Instead of responding she started kissing her as taco-Lewbert smashed the door to splinters and Freddie got out of the way as Spencer turned on the leaf blower and flames shot out, as well as quacking noises.
"I knew this would be handy." Spencer bellowed as the world went white around them as their passionate kiss deepened Carly felt a peace she had never felt, even here, at the end.
"Carly? Caaarls... Carlotta!" Sam yelled, adding a musical note to the last part of it.
Carly woke with a start, her face buried in a pillow on the couch. "Huwhahuh...what? Oh..."
"What’s wrong cupcake?" Sam asked.
"Oh, i was having this dream with... taco-zombies, a leaf-flamethrower, and an evil Lewbert...?" Only now thinking how silly it all sounded.
"Wow, that's pretty awesome, was I there?"
"Yea, speaking of which I have something to tell you."
"Go ahead, what’s on your mind?"
"I love you Sam Puckett."
"Ugh, I'm at home." she said with disgust. This was a completely normal reaction for the few times she slept at home. She sleepily looked around her room, nothing but soda bottles, fat cake wrappers, and clothes as far as she could see. The only clean-ish place was around her computer, which she seldom used.
Next, once upright, was time for a cuttlefish shirt and loose jeans snagged from climbing fences. Following the beaten path through the living room to the front door and it was off to Carly's.
The yells of her mother from behind her did nothing to slow her down as she walked quickly down the street in Carly’s direction. This was not a good day, she had the dream again. That wonderful and terrible dream that began and ended at Carly's apartment. The very place her brisk walk was taking her.
"That dream... that damned dream," she thought to herself. It was like shaking bacon in her face then taking it away... hmm bacon. Thoughts of cooked meat quickened her pace. As she walked through Seattle she passed the questionable burrito stand, her chili joint, the groovy smoothie, and the S Mart.
Finding her way to the apartment building the first thing she noticed was the grey sky, then thought a moment.
"I wonder why no one was out walking around. Sure it’s cloudy, but if I'm awake it’s what, like noon?" She shrugged and went in not really noticing the lack of Lewbert in the lobby. In the elevator "the girl from Emanation" was playing in the music.
With a trained pace of doing the same thing she walked up and into Carly’s place, no knocking of course. There she was, sleeping peacefully on the couch. Sam approached and sat on the table looking at her. Carly's face suddenly contorted into a frown, then she started flailing. Sam's hands shot to her shoulders and shook her.
"Carly? Caaarls... Carlotta!" Sam yelled, adding a musical note to the last part of it.
Carly woke with a start, her face buried in a pillow on the couch. "Huwhahuh...what? Oh..." Obviously this was an interesting dream.
"What’s wrong cupcake?" Sam asked.
"Oh, I was having this dream with... taco-zombies, a leaf-flamethrower, and an evil Lewbert...?" replied Carly.
"Wow, that’s pretty awesome, was I there?" Sam pictured herself surrounded by zombies in taco costumes.
"Yea, speaking of which I have something to tell you."
"Go ahead, what’s on your mind?"
"I love you Sam Puckett."
'No' she thought. 'Not again.' Sam fell to the ground, hitting hard, but immediately scrambling out the door. 'No one around, grey sky, Carly loves me, AND I can’t feel pain, this is another dream. If this doesn’t stop I'm going to lose it!'
She had no idea where she was going walking so hard she could almost feel the ground complaining. Smelling something sweet she turned, snapping from her reverie. The bank said FREE BARBECUED RIBS WITH NEW ACCOUNTS on a banner.
"Sounds legit." she said aloud as she walked in and stood in line in the NEW ACCOUNTS line.
The smell was killing her. From nowhere, though to her right in the center of the room, came the sounds of machine gunfire. Totally forgetting that this is obviously a dream she said "seriously?" The figure holding the gun was slim in a forties style coat and a Nixon mask.
In a digitized voice it spoke. "To the ground and no lives will cease."
She, along with the other patrons hit the ground. Others dressed similarly came in the door, there was Bill and Hilary Clinton, and George Washington. The newcomers immediately went to the vault and began burning their way in with some sort of laser.
'Well, that’s new.' She thought.
The other members of the gang were finally through the vault after several deathly quiet minutes with only the dull sound of the laser playing on. Sirens blared outside, a police bullhorn played a song Sam has heard in movies a million times. "This is the police, we have you surrounded, you have no means of escape. Let the hostages go and your sentence may be lessened."
Nixon perked up and spoke towards the rest of the group. "10 minutes."
He then walked to the window and threw out a grenade. The explosion wasn't too loud inside, but the broken glass everywhere made the people around her cringe. The woman closest to her looked her straight in the eyes and shouted.
"Oh Sam, are you OK? Speak to me!" She just looked back. "Uh...yea? What the chiz?"
Coming from the left there was a couple swat team members came in and fired upon the main robber. The bullets hitting him sounded like pouring lemonade and they fell off of him. The shots, though he was fine, ripped off his mask and coat, revealed his body of really shiny metal. He fired back at them, mowing them down. Now Sam knew this was something big, she glanced, around looking for a weapon. Seeing the posts that the velvet rope that divides the row she moved. Swinging from a prone position to scoop it up and smack the gun out of the hands of the robot robber. The gun landed at a rent-a-cop’s feet, who picked it up and gestured to the robot to move toward the vault.
Sam and the rent-a-cop seemed to be doing well when the robber with the Bill mask popped out and shot him, Sam jumped clear, hiding around a corner.
That excitement was almost completely forgotten when Sam's favourite cop kicked down part of the wall.
"Holy chiz, is that Robocop?!"
The appearance of a new threat brought out the assailants, he took down the first two immediately, and then shortly the third.
"I will not leave alive, but I will upload the program." the robot voice rang from the vault.
"Don't try it, alien, it’s been moved to a secure facility." As soon as the sentence left Robocop the alien robot burst through the wall, Sam instinct-fully leapt on his back.
She heard Spencer's voice ring in her ears "Sam, grck! You’re choking me..!" the world flashed white and the bank started crumbling around her and she felt herself thrown onto something soft. Opening her eyes the first thing she saw was Carly’s face, in tears.
"Wha, what’s going on?"
"Sam!"
Carly said hugging her tight. “I was so worried! I was talking to you and you fell and smacked your head, you’ve been out forever!"
"Well it’s been like twe-" Spencer tried to say and she cut him off.
"Then you attacked Spencer and he threw you into the couch."
Sam thought hard and things started to make sense, even though her head was throbbing. "Carly, this is super important."
Both she and Spencer leaned in close, Spencer getting shooed. In a low voice Sam asked. "What was the last thing you said to me before I fell? You have to tell me."
Looking straight in her eyes she said. "I love you Sam Pucke-"
With eyes full of tears Sam cut her off with a desperate kiss.
"I was hoping you would say that."
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