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Cigarettes By Callie Messenger I tried everything to give up smoking. Changes in diet, exercise, herbal teas, cold turkey, hypnosis tapes, nicotine patches and gum. My wife was being driven up the wall by my attempts. Well, it was her fault that I was giving up anyway. She simply didn't like it anymore. And, every time I tried to give up, I seemed to return to it more strongly, smoking more as though in an attempt to catch up on what I'd missed. Finally she had had enough. "John," she said, sternly, "I'm giving you one last attempt. I can't stand your smoking. I can't stand the smell, the mess, the taste, or anything else about it. You'll change your habits or I'm leaving!" I couldn't have that. I did love her too much to lose her. "What can I do?" I asked. "You never really wanted to give up, and that's your problem." She stated. I didn't think it was true, but I didn't argue. "You never tried to break both the addiction and the habit. You're going to try a hypnotist." "But the tapes did nothing." I countered. "You did walk around the house denouncing all cigarettes as the devil's work." She smiled. It had been a bit like that. The tapes had got me to hate cigarettes in the same way as I hated doing the washing-up, but the washing-up still had to be done. "We'll try this gentleman that I've heard of. Apparently he gets incredible results." So we ended up in a small flat belonging to a young student type. He was Pakistani. I've got nothing against Pakistanis, but had this guy been twenty years older with a beard he would have struck me as the Svengali type. As it was, he was very young, perhaps twenty. I'm twenty eight and only just out of marketing school, so it struck me as odd that this guy could be proficient at his art. Not for long though. He was very smooth, incredibly friendly and reassuring. Amanda, Mandy, my wife, fell for his charms immediately, and she was happy to leave me in his hands. We moved into his office. Again, it was a slightly converted bedroom to me, not a hypnotist's chamber - not a couch in sight. But again, he was so cool and calm, explaining to me his layout as more relaxing than the common perception would have been. I have to admit, if this guy was a salesman, I'd have bought everything. I guess I did. I sat in a comfortable chair. We chatted. I found out that he was still a student, of medicine, but he had found an aptitude for psychotherapy and studied it avidly. He had also found an aptitude for hypnosis, and had decided to graduate himself from using it for entertainment and student shows to making himself some money to further his studies. I told him about my problems, and how I found smoking relaxing, relieving me of stress from many situations, including marital. I thought about it, and told him that I used smoking as defence against Mandy, something that she couldn't control, that kept her on her toes, and kept her from 'perfecting' me. He latched on to this, and made me realise that, as such, smoking was not a habit, and neither was I incurably addicted to it, but that I needed to discuss unknown difficulties with Mandy, and perhaps come to a better understanding with her. I wondered if perhaps he was right, and when he suggested that Mandy come in too, I agreed. He was, after all, an incredibly perceptive young man. Perhaps he could do us some good as a counsellor? Mandy sat with me, uncertain of what was going on. Deepak - that was his name - explained the problem without going into detail, and then asked if she would agree to a session of hypnosis herself. "Why?" She asked. "I think that you both need to understand that problems underlie John's smoking habit, and under hypnosis I would be able to help you both to perceive each other's position on the matter, thus enabling you to come to an understanding." We both agreed to the session, and relaxed back into our chairs as Deepak put on some quiet music, and began to relax us from head to toe. When he began to count down from ten to one my head was sagging on to my chest, but I just couldn't be bothered to raise it. I wanted to keep my eyes open, just to prove something to myself, but when Deepak said "One" they closed, and I simply didn't want to open them. I could hear the music somewhere, but I couldn't make out what it was. I felt my arm being lifted. I left it where it was, then I felt it being moved down again. Then I heard Deepak's voice, as clear as a bell above the music. "John and Mandy, I am going to give you each a codeword. This word is secret to you only. When you hear it, you will return to this incredibly pleasant state of trance. In this deep trance you are highly suggestible. We will use this state to help you overcome your problems. You will enjoy being in this state. You will fall back into this state easily when you hear the codeword. John, your codeword is 'Submissive.'" I heard Mandy's codeword, but then it slipped my mind. I focussed back in on Deepak's voice. "I'm going to allow you both to wake up now, so that we can test out your codewords. Remember that when you hear your codewords, you will fall into a trance, even deeper and more restful than this. I am going to count slowly up to three, and when I reach three you will awaken fully. One...Two...Three." I reached my arms forward and stretched as though I had just woken from sleep, and indeed, I felt rested as though I had, though I knew I had been awake through everything, having heard all that Deepak had said. I turned and saw Mandy stretching too. Wow, she looked good when she was just waking up, with her beautiful, blonde hair falling over her face. "So, Deepak," I said, "that was very relaxing, but I feel like a cigarette." "No problem, John, you go ahead. I will explain to Mandy what I plan from here on in. When you return, we will begin to build upon the groundwork we have just laid." So, I thought to myself outside, taking a drag on my cigarette, hypnosis feels like that? Perhaps it didn't work properly, because I didn't fall asleep or anything. In fact, I had been aware of all that had gone on. Except I missed the Mandy's codeword. Just maybe, if the hypnosis had worked on her, I could get Deepak to reveal it to me, and then we could have some fun together. Yeah, I'd have to ask. I finished off the cigarette, and, with a little mischief in mind, I returned to Deepak's room. Mandy gave me a smile by way of welcome, and I sat back down in my chair. Deepak spoke. "Mandy and I have been discussing a treatment that I thought we might try, which will involve role-playing. Hypnosis frees the imagination, and makes role-playing much easier, and more realistic. You see, what I wish you both to do, in order to get a deeper understanding of the problems underlying your smoking, is for you to take each other's side in the debate. Mandy will tell you her reasons for you giving up smoking, and you will analyse those reasons and act upon them as though they were yours. You will give Mandy your reasons for smoking, and she will act upon them as though they were hers. You will debate the issue from each others perspective, thus gaining an understanding of each other's situation. Hopefully, John, by presenting yourself with arguments to counter your own reasons for smoking, you will see no need to smoke. I do advise also using nicotine patches to counter the craving which might affect your reasoning - I suggest you go to visit your GP immediately after this session. Agreed?" "Agreed." Said Mandy. "Agreed." I said. "Okay, then," began Deepak, "Submissive." I didn't hear Mandy's codeword. Perhaps she was remaining awake for the moment. "Okay, Mandy," began Deepak again, "I want you to tell John why you dislike smoking, especially concentrating on why you dislike him smoking. I also want you to tell him exactly what you feel about each reason. Why it affects you in particular. John, I want you to listen to everything that Mandy says, and remember it all clearly. Begin." For a long time I heard Mandy telling me why I shouldn't smoke. The time passed quickly though, probably because I wasn't really listening to her. But I wasn't thinking about anything else, though. So I must've been concentrating. I don't think I missed a word. Then, she was finished, and Deepak spoke again. "Okay, John, now it's your turn. I want you to give Mandy every reason for smoking, including your feelings about every reason. I want you especially to go deeply into what you told me about the control aspect of it, about how it gives you independence from her. Mandy, you will listen to everything John says, and remember it all clearly. Begin." So I began with that. With how smoking was self empowering, enabling me to rebel against her. Oh, I gave her all the standard reasons; it tastes great; it calms you; it increases your concentration, enabling you to think more clearly; it relaxes you; it gives you something to do, something to play with. But mostly it gives you control. Haven't you ever noticed how sexy women smokers are? That really turns me on. Most people in positions of power, and fame, smoke. I want to be like them. In control. Deepak spoke again. "Allright, I am shortly going to wake you both up. But, before I do, I am going to give you some instructions for you to follow. From now until you go to sleep tonight you are both going to go over what you have heard from each other in your minds. You will talk about it, discuss it, question it, until each of you knows what the other feels. Tomorrow, when you wake up, you will forget completely your own positions on the matter, and take up fully the others position as though it was your own. You will feel exactly what the other feels, and you will act, and react exactly as the other would. You will get deeper and deeper into the other persons situation, because it is your own. In one week you will return here, and we will check on your progress. John, you must go to see your GP about a nicotine patch. One...Two...Three." Again, I stretched my arms, and caught Mandy doing the same. We turned to Deepak. "This session is over for today." He said, with a smile. "Here," He reached onto the desk behind us, "take a card each. They have my 'phone number on in case you should wish to talk about anything." "Deepak," I said, taking the proffered card. "Can I have a quick word?" "No problem, what is it?" "Mandy, would you mind if I had a word with Deepak in private?" She looked at me questioningly, but then got up and left the room. Once the door had shut behind her I spoke. "I had a thought earlier. You see, I'm not sure about this hypnosis thing. I'm not too sure it works, and I wondered if I could test it out on my wife. Would you mind giving me her codeword? You see, I never seemed to catch it earlier..." "You were unable to remember your wife's codeword because it was not directed at you. Your brain simply blanked it out. You might accept that as proof that the hypnosis was working on you?" "Well, I'm not sure. But for proof, I could test hypnosis on her." "You would require her consent. I can think of a solution. Perhaps you could ask her to tell you her codeword?" "Well, sure, I could, I suppose." "That's all fine then!" Smiled Deepak, brightly. "Then I'll see you next week! Goodbye!" On the way home I called in to the Doctor's surgery. I didn't want to, I just did. And I left with a pack of nicotine patches, including one on my arm. I didn't really question what I had done until I was back in the car with Mandy. "Good to see you're serious about giving up," she observed. "Deepak must have been good!" That's when I think I realised that his brand of hypnosis worked. Well, if it worked on me... "Mandy," I asked, as we pulled into our drive, "What codeword did Deepak give you?" "Why do you ask?" "I just thought that, well, the hypnosis worked, it might be fun to try out a few things." "And I think I know exactly what things you would try out. No, thank you. You're not getting that word out of me!" With that out of the way I didn't try again. We did, true to Deepak's word, spend the rest of the evening discussing my smoking and our feelings toward every aspect of it. By the time we went to bed, where I smoked one more cigarette before the lights went out - habit -, I felt that we had really come to some kind of understanding of each others positions. But I still smoked while I thought it over. The next morning came bright and clear. I showered before Mandy awoke. Putting on my shirt I noticed what looked like a nicotine patch on my arm. I must've put it on fresh or it would have fallen off in the shower. Confused, I left it there. Why? I don't know, I mean, why would I need a nicotine patch? With my shirt on, I forgot all about it. I returned to the bedroom. Mandy was sitting on the bed with a half finished cigarette in her hands. Ugh, before she even wakes up fully she's inhaling that stinking, dirty weed! Hang on? Mandy doesn't smoke! "Mandy, what are you doing?" "Just having a quick drag to wake me up. Clears the mind, you know." It was so odd, she looked as though she had been smoking all her life. But it looked so incongrunt to me. I mean, Mandy is a beautiful woman. Her face is so clear and fresh, but with that fag in her mouth, her face is all twisted. She got up to hug me, and we kissed our good-morning kiss. Such soft, tasty lips. Ugh, what is that taste? No wonder they say kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. And I put up with this for her? How much longer, though? How can she put up with that taste? Mandy put out the cigarette and went for her shower. I went to make the breakfast. After all, I don't really want her ash in the kitchen. I'm going to have to get her to give up soon, otherwise it's going to drive me up the wall. And her health? Doesn't she know it's killing her? The situation carried on for a week. We argued, we discussed, I begged, but Mandy was inseparable from her (my?) cigarettes. What's more, I began to see her side. She seemed so much calmer this last week. So much more self assured than before. I had always done much for her, but only to a point. This week she seemed to be so confident, she took the lead in everything. I mean, she never demanded anything, no, because I would certainly refuse. I'm not some kind of sissy. No, I love her. I just seem to be missing something. I don't know, I just tend to agree with her in everything. It's like I used to have some kind of support when we disagreed over something, but now when we disagree, she just calmly takes out a cigarette, lights it, and takes control. She's so clearheaded with a cigarette in her hands. But it still makes me sick. I hope this hypnotist that we're going to see can do something for her. Deepak invited us back into the bedroom/office. He asked us how we had got on for the last week. "Especially," he looked at Mandy, "yourself, Amanda. You look like a different woman." It was true. Mandy was wearing a leather jacket over her tight white T-shirt, and a leather miniskirt. She had told me she thought it fitted her image better. Well, it certainly fitted her body better. Damn, she looked sexy, and I think Deepak noticed. "I has been a real experience," Mandy began, "and I think we've both learned a hell of a lot from it. But you know what?" She continued, "I think we could learn even more by applying the same technique to other areas of our lives." What was she talking about? "I mean, I've gained a great insight into what John believed were the problems between us, and I think I've pinned down a few more areas where we could do with an insight into each others feelings." I suppose it could make sense, I thought. Deepak looked a little confused. "Look," Mandy said to him, "I'll talk it over with you, and you tell me if you can do it. It might really help us. John can wait outside for a moment, can't you, John?" Well, with that smile, I couldn't resist, but I was curious. I listened at the door. "I would like to try out a few tests, if you can do them." That was Mandy. "It could be great research for you, aswell." "Go ahead." Deepak. "John and I could experience other aspects of each other. We could experience each others feelings about a whole range of issues. Sex, for example. Here's what I've been thinking about." At that point Mandy's voice dropped so low that I couldn't hear what she said. Occasionally Deepak would answer with a 'Yes,' or an 'Okay,' or a 'That might be possible...' The door soon opened again. Mandy stepped out, and ushered me in. "I'm just popping out back for a cigarette, dear. Deepak will explain everything." Deepak was trying hard to conceal his enthusiasm for whatever it was that they had just discussed. I sat down. "Your wife is a truly incredible woman, John." I nodded. "What a wonderful creativity!" He paused to collect himself. "The essential idea is that we should attempt to have you and your wife gaining a more complete understanding of each other. Your wife and you will swap roles in some of the areas of your life together, and ultimately you will both come out of it with a greater understanding and tolerance, perhaps solutions, towards any areas of tension in your life together. Personally, I think it is a wonderful idea, and could revolutionise Marital Psychology. Would you agree?" Well, I could see the underlying logic. But to be a test subject for this kind of mental experiment! "Yes, I agree that it's a good idea..." "Your wife is most enthusiastic. We can begin as soon as she returns!" "Wait, I didn't, er, agree to take part!" Mandy entered the room at that moment, cigarette still in hand. "Oh, but dear, you've seen how good Deepak is at hypnosis, and how we've come to know each other's point of view over this smoking thing." With that she sneered at the cigarette in her hand, and stubbed it out in an ashtray on the desk. Did she really not have to smoke? "Yes, he is good, and I certainly would never take up smoking again." I can't believe I ever did, somehow. "Then it will do us so much good to carry this on to the end, and really find out what makes each other tick, so that we can really build the perfect marriage. Don't you want that, honey?" "Well, yes, of course I do, but this way?" "Let's agree to give it a try. Is that enough? We can back out at any time. We both have Deepak's number, right?" "Right. Okay, then. Allright. I'll do it. What shall we start with?" "Whatever comes to mind! Let's begin, Deepak!" Deepak almost grinned. "Submissive." When I 'awoke' it was dark outside. I must've been talking with Mandy for over three hours. And I thought we knew each other! How wrong was I. This time, Deepak had, as I recall, given us a couple of days to talk over everything we had learnt under hypnosis, before we took on each other's role. And for two days we did just talk about each other. I have to admit, it did give me a real understanding of how Mandy felt in this marriage. I really didn't realise how much hard work she put in, making sure I was comfortable and relaxed when I returned from work. She felt that she really sacrificed herself for me. I'd never realised that she felt like that before. I always thought that it had been a very equal marriage, and I had always assumed that I was doing my share of everything. But when I asked her why she didn't say something before she merely told me that she had felt that that was the way things were. That it was her place to do these things, and anyway, she did them for me. The night before we were due to swap roles we talked about sex. Now, Mandy is pretty sexy. Moreso since she started smoking, I have to admit, but because her attitudes seem to have changed with it, and not because of those foul cancer-sticks. In fact, I told her that I was very happy with sex, because she always kept me turned on, and she could always satisfy me. She told me, however, that she put herself out for me again, often making love just because I wanted it. And, even when she wanted to, she often didn't get full satisfaction out of it. But anyway, she did it because she knew I loved it, and she loved me. She said that she dressed the way I liked it, and had grown to like it herself, but she couldn't help it if that turned me on. To her it was just the way she dressed. We made love that night, just because talking about it turned us on so much. Surely Mandy had been exaggerating her feelings! She was loving this! Just before I fell asleep I began to realise what I was being let in for. Hell, our marriage couldn't be anything like Mandy made out, or she would have left me years ago. Surely she couldn't have been making this up? Tomorrow morning I was going to act out what she had been talking about. No, I had to think about this some more. I resolved that when I woke up tomorrow I would ignore Deepak's commands and give this some more serious thought. Tomorrow. The next morning was cloudy. Mandy was in the shower when I woke. I put on a robe and slippers and went into the kitchen to make coffee and toast. Mandy came in moments later wrapped in just a towel and dripping onto the tiles. I was going to have to clean that up later. Couldn't she be a little more considerate. She lit herself a cigarette. "Darling?" "Yes, Mandy?" "Would you like me to give you a lift into work today?" "Yes, please." Wait a second, I usually take the car to work as Mandy only works half days in the supermarket. Oh, well, she needs the car more than I do. "And can you make a list of the shopping we need?" I nodded. As I bent to retrieve the toast from under the grill she put her arms around me from behind. Umm, that felt nice. Next thing I know she's stroking my cock! "Hands off!" I snapped to her, jokily. "Wait till tonight. I've got to get you ready for work." I turned around and handed Mandy her toast. She put the toast down on a plate on the counter and began to stroke my chest. I couldn't put my toast down. "Stop it." I said. But I could see she was feeling that morning horniness. I tried once more. "Stop it, right now!" She began to stroke my cock. This was getting nowhere. "Come on," she said. "We've got time." A couple of minutes, at best, as I would have to shower before heading in to work. I took her hand and headed toward the bedroom. There she began to stroke my cock as I laid back on the bed. After a while it began to feel good, and my softness grew harder. She sat astride me and shoved it into her. Couldn't she have carried on playing a little longer? She began to ride it, and I watched her face as she began to enjoy it. God, she was beautiful. And watching her began to really turn me on. I felt her get faster, taking in all of my now fully erect member, and then she groaned, and bucked, and as suddenly as it was begun, it was over. My cock was still hard within her, and I tried to wiggle my hips to move it, but then she rolled off me completely, and reached for a cigarette as she laid back on the bed. Disgruntled, I got up and headed for the shower. Back in the bedroom I saw that she was asleep. The poor thing, she must be really tired out. I guess I was going to have to take the bus into work. I looked through my clothes in the cupboard. Jeeze, I really had nothing to wear. Just a few suits and not enough shirts. I couldn't keep wearing white and blue every day. On an impulse, I grabbed for a pair of Mandy's panties. I often borrowed her underwear, as it was so much more comfortable than my own. When I put them on, though, they really didn't feel much more comfortable than my own. I had to position my cock just so, pushed up between my legs. With trousers on they didn't feel bad at all. I'd better be going. I'll clean the kitchen when I get back. Late that afternoon, I discovered Deepak's card in one of my pockets. I had a feeling that I should call him. I dialled the number, with half my mind trying to figure out what I was calling for. After a few rings, it was answered. "Hello?" It was Mandy! Odd, I must have rung home in my absent- mindedness. "Hi, Mandy, it's just me. I'm sorry, I was meant to be ringing Deepak, but I must have called our number by mistake." "Oh, what were you calling him for?" "I don't know, just to chat, I suppose. Anyway, what are you doing home?" "It's my day off, silly! Have you forgotten I work on Saturdays while you have a day off?" "Oops, oh yes. Never mind. Have a nice day, honey. And try to remember to take the washing out of the machine." "I already did. I put it in the dryer, and now it's ready for you to iron. Bye!" "Bye." I put the 'phone down, then picked it up and called the number on Deepak's card. It was answered immediately. "Hello, yes, Deepak speaking." "Hi, Deepak," I answered. "I was just ringing for no reason really. Just to tell you how things are going." "Oh. Do you have any questions?" "I thought I did, but now I can't think what they were!" I laughed. "Well, how about we dig a little deeper. Put the 'phone on speaker. You are in a private office, aren't you?" Did I tell him that? "Yes." I put the 'phone on to speaker. "Submissive." With Deepak's gentle prodding we got down to the root of my problems. The thought that Mandy might purposely have lied about her true feelings in order to make me experience a much stronger, and essentially more caricatured version of her position than really existed. I related that I trusted Mandy in response to his questioning. Suddenly I felt much more relaxed about the situation. I trusted Mandy and loved her. She couldn't do anything bad to me. Perhaps then, I was feeling worried because I was entering more into the role than I should have? Deepak suggested to me that I might have latent feelings about myself which were now rising as a response to being placed in Mandy's position. Perhaps I really wanted to deeply experience being a woman. He suggested that I should come to see him that evening, to talk it over. I trusted him. He was a psychotherapist. As a last suggestion he said that I should pop in to see my GP once more and he gave me some suggestions as to what I should say. On his prompting, I forgot about them. There was just a blank space in our conversation. One...Two...Three. Only a few minutes had passed. I struggled to remember our conversation but it seemed to be a distant memory that I couldn't recall. Still, I felt much better about the whole situation and thanked Deepak deeply before hanging up. I knew I was going to see him tonight anyway, but there didn't seem to be much point as I felt that much better. Looking out at the evening coming on I decided to call it a day. There was something I needed to see my Doctor about. Hmm, what. Never mind, it would come to me. The surgery was nearly empty, so I got in straight away. I thought I had an appointment but it turns out I didn't. Anyway, I told my Doc about the feelings I was experiencing, and had been hiding all my life. I told him that I really felt like a woman trapped in a man's body. Did I say that? I mean, I told him about my problems. He must think I'm some kind of hypochondriac. He asked me whether I would like to see a psychologist. I told him I already was seeing one. Why did he ask me about the psychologist? Was it to do with giving up smoking? Then he gave me some pills. He said I would have to be really serious about this before taking them, and that I could stop anytime. Why wouldn't I take pills? I've got to get better, haven't I. I put the pills into my jacket pocket as I went to get the next bus. Pills? What did I have them for? Why was I catching a bus next to the surgery? How odd, I would have to talk to Deepak about this. So I went to visit him. This time there was no chatter, he put me straight under. I remember talking a little about Mandy and me, about our relationship, and about our relationship since we had come to see Deepak. After some reassurance from my therapist, I thought I could hear Mandy's voice. Then it seemed to deepen into Deepak's soothing tones. It was like Deepak was in two places at once. One was soothing me, and keeping me pleasantly relaxed and responsive, and the other was discussing with me all the aspects of being a woman. Femininity, feelings and emotions. Dressing, hair, make-up and all the other physical differences. The first voice told me to concentrate on the areas where a woman's life was different from a man's, both from what I was hearing and from my own experience. I was also to think in depth on the issue when I awoke, discussing it with Mandy, and finally I was to act on all those roles that belonged to women only. I would reject all roles belonging to men only, and feminise all those areas acted on by both sexes. The first voice continued to reassure me that this was all in my best interests, and certainly in Mandy's best interests. Finally I was told that I would find this session difficult to remember, as though I had never been hypnotised in order to think the way I did. Before rousing me, Deepak told me that Mandy had arrived to take me home. I woke to see her there. "Ah, honey, you're just in time." I said. She smiled. "Come on, darling, let's go." "Listen," I said, "I've got loads to talk to you about." We headed for the car. Over the next couple of weeks I really changed my outlook on life. I cooked, cleaned, looked after the house and my lover in every way. I knew that I was coming to a crunch time in my life because my outlook was so different from the ways I had been brought up. In work I found it impossible to put any pressure on my subordinates or secretaries and found all the work piling up on myself. The work pressure combined with the fact that being physically male I had to suffer discrimination caused me a lot of grief. I wanted to wear make-up into work but that, and wearing dresses, would be a complete humiliation. I had to do something. First, I came out to Mandy. I told her that my internal feelings of femininity were rebelling against my male exterior. I had no desire to be male, to do male things, to act like a male anymore. I told her of my preferences for everything female. How I would wear her make-up and her clothes. How I preferred her to drive, to pay where required, to take me out, and to bring me in. She listened without a motion. When I had finished she lit a cigarette, and took a long, thoughtful drag on it. Then she spoke. "Do you remember when you used to smoke?" I nodded, though it seemed like years ago, because I couldn't reconcile it with my feelings about it now. "Perhaps then, you can remember when you used to be a man?" I thought about it, and tried to put it into words. "I have always done masculine things," I responded. "Like wearing male clothes and performing a male role. But my feelings are female, and I can't seem to remember ever feeling male." That was it. I could remember the act of smoking, but I couldn't remember what it felt like to enjoy smoking. The same with my feelings now. I didn't have any male feelings. "Maybe you should go all the way?" She suggested. "You should commit to your femininity. Embrace it. Throw away all those masculine accoutrements." It made sense to me, but I would make an ugly woman. "I noticed you have been taking hormones." Yes, but I can't remember starting that. "Perhaps you should tell work that you have decided to live as a female and you are getting a sex change." Suddenly it sounded so final, but it was all I needed to hear. I had Mandy's support. But then something came back to me. Mandy had asked me if I could remember when I used to be a man, and we had been attending hypnosis sessions to improve our marital relations, at which we had agreed to undertake each others roles. Perhaps all these feelings were a hypnotically inspired act. "One moment, Mandy," I responded. "Maybe this is something to do with the hypnosis sessions we were receiving, and I've just taken it too far. Perhaps we should get Deepak to reverse our roles again to see if I really do need to carry through such a drastic plan?" She looked at me, stubbed out her cigarette and turned to face me in her seat. "Submissive." I could hear Deepak's voice, but he hadn't been in the room, only Mandy. But Mandy wouldn't hypnotise me. I could hear Deepak, and I trusted him, he was very good. The voice told me that questioning my femininity was a form of cowardice, and that I really had the strength to follow my feelings through. I knew that Mandy would support me in any choice that I made, because she loved me so much, but that she would prefer me to commit to a course that made me happy. I couldn't remember having masculine feelings - I probably never had them. I was a woman in the wrong body. I should discuss my future with everyone who needed to know, but act in my own best interests. In all things, I would love Mandy. She knew what was best for me. I would do what she asked. I woke the next morning with the sun streaming in through the bedroom window. Mandy was already dressed, standing next to the bed in a smart trouser suit. "I'm off to an interview." She said. "Don't forget the washing and ironing, and don't forget to talk to your boss. Bye!" She kissed me and left. I cuddled up to my teddy bear for a few minutes before getting up. My talk with the boss did go fairly well. He was shocked, I have to say, but entirely supportive. He suggested that I should retain my male exterior until such time as I felt it would be impossible to maintain. I should then take a 'sabbatical', and return as a woman. I felt my male exterior was impossible to maintain at present, but I understood his point of view. I returned to see my doctor, and was booked in with a Gender Dysphoria psychologist, a speech therapist, and various other counsellors, as well as being prescribed hormone treatment. (Apparently, the first set of pills I had received were very weak doses, intended only to test the patients commitment to the procedure.) I returned to Deepak, and he suggested that I must talk to him or Mandy at any time that I felt unsure about what I was doing. I was also to study all that I could about Gender Dysphoria, and absorb it fully. He also gave me some much larger pills than the ones the doctor gave me, and told me to take them at the same time. Mandy also helped greatly. She put me on a diet to aid my hormonal transformation. I found myself cutting right back on the amount of food I was eating, until I was almost existing on vitamin pills. If I did feel hungry, which was most of the time, I would pig out on chocolate, and cream cakes. A girl has to have her little treats, you know, and Mandy would insist on treating me. She also began to train my body into shape. I didn't like weights - men's things - but I began to love gently cycling for a few hours every evening. That really took the weight off. Mandy also got me a couple of corsets, and as the fat slipped from around my waist, so the corsets would get tighter and tighter. But I never used to feel I was wearing them. I often forgot I had one on. Then came the day that I first needed to wear a bra. It was, in fact, my boss that pointed it out, and that very day I began my sabbatical. I also went to see my doctor, who was shocked at my 'rate of progress'. He asked if I was only taking the pills that he had prescribed. I immediately thought of the pills that Deepak had given me. "Yes, only yours." I replied. He looked at me as if I was lying or something, but I knew I wasn't. He booked me in for surgery that day. I was saddened when he stated that I would still have to wait for at least a year, but that I should live all that time as a woman, and if I succeeded, I would receive the operation. The news wasn't the only good news that day. Mandy came back late that evening and told me that she had got herself a new job. She took me out for dinner to celebrate, to which I wore a new black dress - a present from her. Unfortunately, the evening wasn't great. I thought that people were staring at me, which embarrassed and ultimately humiliated me. I felt then that I looked too much like a man. "Don't worry, honey," Mandy offered, "we'll do something about that just as soon as we can. I can't have my wife feeling ugly!" I managed a smile for her. Later that night I managed something else for her, even though I almost couldn't get my little willy into the mood. Mandy was true to her word, and only a few days later I was entered into a University Medical Research facility for a course of cosmetic surgeries. Apparently, the facility had a huge grant for training surgeons in cosmetic techniques as part of a government program to eradicate 'backstreet' and 'butcher' operations. The hospital had many vacancies for patients who were willing to undergo a wide range of surgeries at bargain prices. But the techniques and the surgeons were front-edge. My first time in I had light beauty treatments - electrolysis, liposculpture and chemical peels, but I knew that wasn't enough, so a few weeks later Mandy took me in for some more drastic surgeries. Waiting for us in the ward this time was Deepak. "As your chosen psychotherapist, I have to approve any permanently altering surgery that you put yourself forward for, and I am here to let you know that I have already approved your complete list. I am sure you are ready for everything." "Wait a second," I interjected, "what list?" "Why this one!" He showed me a list of surgeries that read like a clinic's price list. "Hang on, I didn't agree to all these. You've got two breast augmentations down here!" I looked up at the two of them. They looked at each other. "Submissive." Oh, shit! I've never been woken up by being kicked in the face before. Argh, and in the chest, and in the back, and, let's face it, all over. I can only feel pain. I opened my eyes slowly. Mandy was looking down at me intently. "Jean, honey," She said, "can you hear me?" I tried to nod. Jean? So odd, it sounded like the first time I'd heard my name. I must've been out for a while. I began to move my hands, feeling for parts of my body that didn't hurt. That's when I found that most of my body was in plaster, and that my hands were probably the only part that could move, though even they were in stiff gloves. "I can see you're awake, but don't move too much. I bet you can't wait to see what you look like now! No more crying in restaurants for you! Not if you turn out anything like the plans. Anyway, you'll be laid up for a couple of weeks yet, so I've brought you in a walkman and a few tapes. Deepak says that you ought to continue with your studies, like the speech therapy, so he's included a couple of tapes on that, and other topics. I've asked the nurse to come in regularly to change them. So, look, I'll put the headphones on you now." She fiddled with the bandages around my head, then I felt the sponges against my ears. I heard a click of a walkman play button. "I'll keep coming in to see you as you improve. Bye for now, honey!" I heard her chair being moved, and then soft music began to play in my ears. Someone's voice said "Submissive." "Jean!" Mandy's voice woke me up. Where was I? Oh, yes, I was still in hospital after getting a couple of things done. Just a lift or two. Nothing drastic. I opened my eyes. "Oh, Jean, honey, there you are!" Mandy was looking down at me. "Deepak just left and he's got some great news! You see, he knows the gentleman who will be performing your last operation, and he brought him here this morning to visit you. Well, he's agreed to bring the operation right forward. All you've got to do is heal up here and then he'll interview you to see if you're ready. We all know you're ready, so no problems there. "Listen, I've brought you a couple more tapes. The nurse says you've been practising speaking and doing well. Your throat's healed up already! I'll put this one in for you." Click. My throat? I didn't think I'd had something wrong with my throat! I didn't even realise I'd been speaking. In my sleep perhaps? How long had I been here? Hmmm, that's beautiful music... "Submissive." I couldn't help looking in the mirror. You see, I'd had my boobs done in the hospital. Just a little bigger. 34DD. I loved them. My boobs, my body, exactly how I remembered it. Just slightly bigger boobs to get used to. I checked myself over once more. Slim, trim and busty. Perfect. I remembered Mandy bringing me back into the house in my wheelchair. I wasn't allowed to get out of bed for weeks and did plenty of physiotherapy to exercise my back. It was because my back needed to get stronger to hold my boobs up, of course. I sometimes thought there must've been another reason, I mean, it didn't make sense to rest it that much and then exercise it that much just for a little boob job. But I always knew it was because I needed a stronger back for my bigger boobs. I just knew. Mandy told me that too. If I had any questions about what I had done or what we were doing Mandy would be able to answer them. The only thing that we were going to do was get rid of my little thing. Yeah, you know, that thing. I didn't like it. Mandy didn't like it. It was no use to me any more, or to Mandy. When Mandy made love to me now, we didn't involve it, in fact, Mandy would often strap on a dildo to herself, and hump me. She would use my hole for pleasure. I couldn't wait to offer her the proper hole, my vagina. A couple more weeks to the interview and then the operation. I would finally become a true woman. Sometimes Mandy was sad about it. You see, she was a few months pregnant from before I entered hospital, and she wanted the child to have a proper family. She couldn't see me as part of that family, and neither could I anymore, though I loved her dearly, and it was my child too. Sometimes she would wonder over her own position in the family, as one of us had to be the mother and she was the worker, bringing home the money. She might not be able to give that up. So the weeks went by, and Mandy grew rounder and I grew more envious. I passed the interview with flying colours. How could I fail? I had a job waiting for me for when I became fully female. I had a supportive wife. I could've seduced the surgeon if I'd put my mind to it, but Deepak had suggested that I shouldn't do that. I was a sexy woman, practiced at seduction, but at the interview I was to appear cool, and professional. A few days before the surgery, Mandy gave birth. It was a boy, a beautiful baby boy. He had dark, almost black hair, and brown eyes. I had blue eyes and Mandy had green, but the nurse said eyes could change colour. Immediately after the birth his skin was pink, but Mandy brought him home the day I was due to go into hospital, and I could've sworn she'd left him under a sun bed for a few minutes. I remember Mandy saying she had a Greek grandparent somewhere. Oh, well, he would grow up with those swarthy looks that would make girls swoon and his mothers proud. The surgery itself was literally an outpatient operation. I was well bandaged up following my release, and I could hardly walk due to having what felt like a broomstick shoved up between my legs. I listened to some more tapes from Deepak which made me feel much more comfortable about the whole affair. A week after the operation I had removed most of the bandaging, and without the stitches to remind me I probably would have forgotten that I'd had an operation at all. In fact, I almost couldn't remember what I'd had it for. A hysterectomy, perhaps? I sometimes woke up feeling weird about a dream. Lucid dreams in which I was a man, and Mandy's husband, rather than her lover. After one such nightmare, Mandy suggested that we should go to visit Deepak, to see if I was suffering from some kind of Gender Dysphoria. I think that's what she called it. She said she couldn't have me suffering delusions when I was supposed to be helping her to bring up a child. She had returned to work, and I hadn't, much as I wanted to. I had friends there, and my boss had apparently called a couple of times when I had been out. But Mandy wanted me to stay at home with the baby, and I felt best that way. So we went to visit Deepak to see whether he could do anything about my nightmares. I arranged to meet Mandy there after she had finished work. In fact, as I was walking to his house from the bus stop, I saw her car pull up, and saw her go in. I couldn't catch up because the baby was asleep in the pram. Anyway, I got there a minute later and the door was open. I could hear Deepak and Mandy talking. I tried to get the pram inside carefully without waking the baby. "I'm really worried about these nightmares, Deepak." That was Mandy. "I really love Jean and I'm not sure what this is doing to her." "Don't worry, my darling." Deepak called Mandy 'darling'? What was going on? I settled my ear to the door. "The suppressed memories may be rising. We can't let them rise but we may divert them into repressive behaviour that doesn't conflict with her conditioning." "What are you talking about, Deepak?" "Oh, I'm sorry, my love, don't let the issue concern you. Dominatrix." Whatever did he say that for? "Are you relaxed, my dear?" "Yes." She replied, in a toneless voice. My god, he'd hypnotised her with that word. It was like a codeword to control her! "Don't let Jean's dreams worry you. Now that she is fully healed we will bring her into our circle of love. You love me already, and Jean will love me too. You will not feel any negative emotions in this situation because you love Jean. Remember that when you are with me, you love me, and you will do as I say. Now, when you awake, you will feel a natural, irresistible desire to make love to me. One...Two...Three." I heard Mandy moan, then "Oh, God, Deepak, let's fuck right now!" He didn't know I was coming tonight! And Mandy hadn't had a chance to tell him! I had to get her out of this situation, but how? I hadn't been paying attention to the baby, and now he was awake, and began to cry. Shit!. Deepak was at the door in an instant, his shirt already unbuttoned. "Jean," He half yelled, "What are you doing here?" I looked round in shock at his angered face. "Never mind." He continued, "Submissive." I froze like a zombie, but this time my mind was yelling out that this was a dangerous situation to be in. I could hear Deepak's voice telling me to relax, but there was an edge in it, and though I was compelled to listen, it wasn't relaxing me. I could hear the baby still crying, and I was desperate to comfort it. Finally, I could hear another voice in the background that was taking on Deepak's tones, and I could tell now that it was Mandy, breathlessly exhorting Deepak to come back to her. I began to rouse, but suddenly the baby ceased it's crying. Deepak took my hand and led me into the room, closing the door. I heard him give Mandy her codeword, and finally all was still and he turned all his attention to me. I was overcome by relaxation. Having fought for so long, I was oddly aware of what he was saying. "Jean, I don't know what you heard going on between Mandy and I but you have made it necessary for me now to act much sooner than I wished. So, I want you to imagine a love potion. They exist, they are real, and I am now going to give you a glass containing one which you will drink because you are very thirsty." He placed a glass in my hand, and though I didn't want to drink it, I suddenly became incredibly thirsty, and drank the whole glass in one. "You know that in a few moments, you will be completely in love with me. It is a very strong potion, which works very quickly. Oh," He continued after pausing for a moment, "the potion has an unfortunate side effect. You see, the aphrodisiac is so strong that affects your brain permanently, turning you into a nymphomaniac, whilst reducing your ability to concentrate, remember and think. It will affect your brain so badly, because you drank so much, that you will be unable to think any but the simplest thoughts, and those will be about sex." All the time that Deepak was talking, I fought his instructions, but each instruction that I followed left me less defended against the next. I had imagined a love potion, and had then drunk the contents of the glass, but I couldn't imagine falling in love with Deepak, not after finding him here with Mandy like this. I loved Mandy, and so I fought the aphrodisiac's power, without even realising that I had given in to the suggestion that what I had drunk was an aphrodisiac. As I fought, I kept Mandy uppermost in my mind, but images of her having sex with Deepak began to intrude. I felt betrayed by Mandy, as I pictured her sucking his cock. Jesus, it was big! I imagined his cock entering her, and so I fought with her in my mind, pulling her away from him. I didn't want her near him! I took her place and lay down under Deepak, guiding his thick, hard cock into my moist vagina. NO!! I have to fight him. I love Mandy. I really love Mandy, but Christ, I could do with a cock inside me right now. What am I thinking of? If I just get rid of this urge for sex I'll be able to think clearly. I need cock. I'll satisfy that urge and then I'll sort out what I'm supposed to be doing. Is that Deepak I can hear? "You only want me, Jean, when I wake you up, you will be desperate to satisfy your lust with me." Oh, God, yes. "One...Two...Three." To me it sounded like a countdown. At three I opened my eyes to look straight into Deepak's, and I had to have him. I shoved him down onto his bed and climbed atop him, opening his flies. I took his cock into my mouth until it was hard, but I needed it elsewhere. I moved up his body, and positioned his cock so that I could slide onto it. "Fuck!!" That hurt. My scream woke Mandy and the baby began to scream. I had split a stitch somewhere around my quim and blood was beginning to drip onto Deepak. My head was cleared of the effects of the love potion immediately, and I looked down at Deepak, and slapped him so hard it stung. Mandy went straight to the baby and I grabbed my panties and jumped after her. We ran from the house in total disarray, with no thought but to get out. Mandy put the baby in the car and I got in. She drove away just as Deepak appeared at the door pulling up his trousers. We couldn't hear a word he was yelling. All the way home Mandy sat in complete silence. When we got in, she put the baby in his cot with his dummy. I sat in the living room and waited for her. "What were you doing fucking our therapist!" She began, as soon as she came in. I was dumbfounded. How could she ask me that? "You were the one who was fucking him!" I retorted. "Yeah? Well I love him!" Oh shit, how was I going to explain to her that it was all fake, that she had been tricked into loving him. Well, there was one way. "Mandy, sit down for a second." She sat, reaching for a cigarette. "Dominatrix." The effect was remarkable. Her eyes closed and her head slumped down onto her chest. I almost thought she had died. "Mandy? Can you hear me?" "Yes." "Um," How to begin? "I want you to listen carefully to me, to what I have to say. When I ask you questions, I want you to answer truthfully. Okay?" "Yes." "When you went to Deepak's place today, did you want to make love to him?" "No." "Do you remember him hypnotising you?" "I don't think so." "I want you to remember him hypnotising you. Do you remember that he told you to make love to him?" "Yes." "You see, he hypnotised you to make you do something that you didn't want to do before he hypnotised you. Do you understand?" "Yes." Of course she did. It was me that was just beginning to realise what sort of hold Deepak had over her. "I want you to remember what Deepak said to you when you were hypnotised, but I want you to ignore his suggestions, and return to the way you were before he hypnotised you. Do you want to make love to him now?" "No." This is it, I can do it! Of course, I just have to undo all of Deepak's programming. But I don't know all the times. Um, "Okay, Mandy, I want you to go back, in order, to every time that Deepak hypnotised you. I want you to remember the way you felt after being hypnotised, and then I want you to remember what he suggested to you, then you will undo those suggestions in your mind, and return to the way you were before he hypnotised you. I want you to do that right back to just before the first time he hypnotised you. Then I want you to return to now, and wake up, remembering everything that was suggested to you, but not having to act upon any of it. Start now." How long would this take? I had no idea. Mandy looked as though she was dreaming. Sometimes she looked as though she was talking to herself, sometimes she moved a hand, or her head. After five minutes I began to worry about what I had done. I remember Deepak telling me once not to go to see another hypnotist just in case his delicate work was upset. Well, now I had seen what some of his delicate work was, and it disgusted me. Now that I had time to recover I realise that he had effectively been raping Mandy and had raped me. A sickness grew in my stomach as I realised what we had done together. It was perhaps luck that had saved me from the aphrodisiac power of his love potion. Perhaps he had not realised that I was still recovering from that operation. Suddenly, I had a worse feeling than the sickness, one of purest disgust. Deepak was the father of Mandy's baby. He must have been controlling her for over a year! All this time I hadn't realised a thing! Now I was attempting to release that hold. What would happen at the end? Would Mandy still love me? Would she throw off the effects of Deepak's suggestions? How upset would she be when she realised that the father of her child had coerced her into sleeping with him? I just felt sicker and sicker. It was no longer just an emotional thing, it was physical. I was breaking out into a sweat and ready to vomit. Mandy was sitting there, with her lips muttering some fragment of conversation, having her world torn apart as, hopefully perhaps, realisation came, and with it no doubt, her own sickness. I looked at her and remembered Deepak, and the way I had reacted to his love potion. I wondered then if the potion had worked because of his powers of suggestion. Whatever, when I remembered it, I felt sicker, and I seem to remember that I drank a lot of it. Perhaps enough to make me feel sick? Then I began to get a headache. Only slight, but this was getting worse. I went into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea and find the aspirins. Some time later I awoke to find myself in bed, with Mandy sitting by my side looking over me. I didn't feel sick any more, but the headache was terrible, and I had trouble focussing on Mandy. She looked like a dream sat there. She looked like she had been crying. No wonder, when she found out the truth about Deepak. I wonder if she still wanted to make love to him. He did have a wonderful cock. My God, what was I thinking! This guy was a bastard, and Mandy was beautiful, and I wanted to hold her, and hug her, and lick her tits and suck her wet quim, and I was doing it again! What was wrong with me? I never felt like this before. I groaned, in pain. "How do you feel?" Asked Mandy, softly. "I've got a terrible headache one minute, the next my head feels like it's stuffed with cotton wool." And my vagina is aching for something, I wanted to add, but just managed to control myself. "I think Deepak's last suggestion is still affecting you." "Which suggestion?" That I'd like to have sex with him? I think I would, right now, if I could just get rid of this headache. "He suggested that you were drinking a love potion. But he also suggested that the chemical was so strong that it would affect your brain. You caught him unaware, and so he reacted angrily, trying to turn you into a mindless nymphomaniac. He wouldn't have to worry about what you might do or say, and he could easily control you, while getting all the sex he wanted. The fucking bastard!" I don't think I'd ever heard Mandy swear like that. It broke into my daydream about living as his sex slave. And brought back my headache. "I'm sorry," she apologised as she saw me wince, "but you've made me realise that that pervert has ruined both of our lives." "Both? I managed not to get raped by him, fortunately, and I haven't turned into a bimbo. It's what he did to you that affects me." He had sex with you, I can picture it now... "You really don't understand. Before Deepak came along, you were John, my husband." "No way." Not with my tits. No man could have tits like mine, unless I gave them to him. Hmmm, this headache was going away. "I'm afraid so. You see, he turned me into a dominant, masculine woman, while turning you into my submissive, effeminate partner. We became lovers, and he suggested that we deal with you by providing a reason for amicable divorce - the fact that you wanted to become a woman. But he became greedy, because when the medical research centre had finished with you, because you had volunteered for everything they could do, you were quite stunning. Look at you now, with your blue eyes, blonde hair, and page three body. You were five feet nine inches, but after two vertebrae removals and operations to shorten the bones in your legs and arms, you're now just over five feet six. You had a gorgeous chest - 42 inches when buying clothes - and after rib removals, hormones, corsetting, and two implant operations, you have a 34DD chest. I know, because I chose that size, after Deepak suggested to me that it would be a wonderful punishment for your 'betrayal' of our marriage. The corsetting and hormones, with the rib removals, also got you down to a twenty two inch waist, though your diet was mostly fattening - apparently my idea as well, as I tried to make you into a busty, barbie doll. Again, Deepak suggesting a punishment. Your face is so unbelievably different. You had a very attractive face. I remember gazing at it while you watched television. Now it's probably even more attractive, though to the other sex. They based their model on some Czech woman, who's supposed to be perfect, if there's such a thing. Though obviously they didn't think she was, because they agreed to enlarge your lips. Again, my punishment for you, enhancing your lips so that guys would imagine blow jobs when they saw you." She stopped for a second, smiling, and crying at the same time. Jeeze, I must be gorgeous if Mandy says so. Well, I am, anyway. Anyone would want sex with me. I wonder if Mandy is chatting me up now? I'm getting wet with all her talk. Maybe she's going to get into bed with me? "All this time you were made to believe that this was all what you wanted," she continued, "and finally, that this was the way you'd always been. I helped to do that, by suggesting most of it myself. But Deepak made sure that you thought we were still lovers, so that he would finally be able to have you for himself." My headache finally went. I can have sex now, honey, I thought. I began to touch myself while Mandy continued to talk. No sense rushing things, I can wait till she's ready. So I began to think of Deepak having me for himself while Mandy continued. He was a man, and I was his woman. Me, a man?! I wondered what it would be like to have a cock. "Well, now, my dearest John, I don't know what to do, because if I return you to yourself the way you did to me, you'll still be a woman. I think that would drive both of us mad." She began to cry in earnest. I put my other arm around her. Poor Mandy, please don't cry, what is there to be sad about? Because you thought I was a man? Boy, you made a big mistake there. I'll have to dress a bit sexier next time or something. I almost giggled. Better not do that, I thought, Mandy might not understand in the state she's in at the moment. She hugged me tight. "Oh, John, I don't know what to do!" She whispered. "I wish you would help me somehow." That's easy, I thought, and moved my lips around to kiss her. She responded, and I reached up my hand to her chest - this was getting promising. Suddenly, she pushed me away. "Jesus!" She sputtered, in shock, "It's already happened, hasn't it? You've become a fucking bimbo!" Well, I don't know about the fucking bit, I thought. "God help me, I'm going to have to do this by myself!" She exhorted. "Submissive!" I awoke with the sun streaming in through the window. I felt strange, like I'd had a really long dream. It felt like I'd been sleeping for years. I stood up to head for the shower. Oh, that was odd! My chest bounced and the floor was further away than I remembered. I looked down. Shit, I'd have sworn those were tits. I stood up to head straight for the mirror. Christ! Who is that? I looked at myself in the mirror, but it definitely wasn't me. It was a young woman, slim, about 5'6'', with longish brown hair and a curvaceous body, wearing my pyjamas. I looked into the shirt. Yup, shit, those were tits. Then I felt my crotch. Shit, and double shit, no cock, no balls, there was a pussy there. Am I still dreaming? One hand on my tits, one hand on my crotch, and Mandy chose just that moment to walk into the bedroom. No time like the present! "Mandy," I queried. "Do I look different to you?" "You mean, apart from the fact you seem to be feeling yourself up?" She smiled. I dropped my hands to my sides. "Yes, honey, you look like a woman." "So, if I'm not dreaming, then what's happened to me?" "It's a long story, honey, and there are more pressing problems, such as what is going to happen to you?" "Is this an overnight thing, or is this permanent?" I asked, dreading the answer. "It's permanent." Triple shit. Yesterday, I think, I was a man, and now I'm stuck in this babe's body, and my wife says it's permanent. "So, what is going to happen to me?" I could feel tears welling in my eyes. Control yourself, man! This is no time to break down. Mandy sat down on the bed, and motioned for me to sit next to her. "I could really do with a cigarette!" She sighed. "But you don't smoke!" I protested. "Do you feel like a cigarette?" She asked. "No." I thought about it. "Not at all." "I told you it was a long story." She smiled. "Anyway, let's just cut it short by saying that you've been away for a while, and come back as someone else. A woman, i