I Met An Old Friend
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Remnant
By Scott K. Jamison
Copyright 2000
I hate the Smurf song. You know the one. "La, la, la la
LA la, la la la la LA." I just hate it.
Tim knows I hate that song too. Which is probably why he
sung it to wake me up.
I was angry at first, then scared out of my gourd. Even
being a sorceress, it takes a while to get magic flowing, so a
man in my apartment standing over my bed in the middle of the
night was no laughing matter.
Then I got a good look at his face, and my fear turned to
outright astonishment. After all, there was no way Tim could be
anywhere, let alone standing in my bedroom. I'd seen to that
personally.
He grinned. "Morning, Sunshine!"
I looked at my alarm clock. It was 2:00 A.M. Irritation
got the upper hand again.
"Whoever you are, go away. I need my beauty sleep."
"Same old Susan. Sorry, but I'm not going away." He
crossed his arms for emphasis. Whoever it was, he sure acted
like Tim.
I sat up and swung a fist at him. It passed right through
the man, as if he were...a ghost.
"That's right, Susan. I'm a ghost!"
"But how can that be, I mean, Tina is still alive, isn't
she?"
He nodded. "Yup. Just checked on her. She's doing fine."
I tried to gather my thoughts. If my best friend, who used
to be my boyfriend, was still alive, then why was his "ghost"
here?
"You're a bad dream, that's all!" I declared. "A
hallucination due to subconscious guilt or something."
"Nice try." Tim sat on the bed. I noticed the mattress
didn't bend under his weight. "But speaking of guilt, why the
heck did you do that to me, anyway? You kept saying I was
unfaithful, but I don't remember messing around with other
women."
"Don't give me that! I saw you with that, that bimbo in
the red dress in your apartment! You were laughing, telling her
you loved her and not me, and how you'd run away together! Then
you--you swept her off her feet and kissed her!"
Tim put his face in his hand. "Aw, jeez....Susan, that was
my sister Inez!"
I could feel a vein popping in my cheek. "Sister? You do
that with your sister?!" Now I was convinced turning him into a
woman was the right thing to do.
"She's an actress, Susan. She was in town to do a play,
and I was helping her rehearse a scene. I was an okay actor,
you know, before I got my job at the brokerage."
"B-but, that kiss!"
He waved his hand. "Pure acting. Our lips didn't even
touch."
"How do I know you're not lying?"
"You don't, Susan. Of course, you could ask Tina about her
sister. Inez is still an actress in this reality. At least
that didn't change."
I was thoroughly awake by now, so I got up and threw on a
bathrobe. Then I thought of something and turned on the light.
Sadly, Tim was still there. And in full electric light, I could
see it really was him, if a little translucent.
"Fine," I said. "It was your sister. But that still
doesn't explain what you're doing here."
"Haunting you, silly girl."
"But, if Tina isn't dead, you can't be her ghost!"
He grinned again. "I'm not her ghost, I'm mine. You see,
when you turned Tim Jones into Tina Jones physically and
mentally, and changed reality so everyone thought it had always
been that way, I died."
"That's not true!" I shouted. "You were still you, just a
female you!"
"Nope. Sorry. The only thing Tina has in common with me
is blood relations. Her body, her memories, her personality,
it's all a completely separate person. You ever read Dante's
Inferno?"
I strained to remember, surprised by the change of subject.
"Umm, no, I don't think so. Why?"
"Well, on his trip through Hell, Dante encounters several
people who he thought were still alive. It's explained to him
that if you do an evil enough deed, your soul goes straight to
Hell while you're still alive, and your body just goes through
the motions. And that's sorta what happened to me, only without
the going to Hell part."
I smirked. "And I suppose you're not good enough for
Heaven either."
This time he stopped grinning. "Yep. And since you're the
only person in the whole world who remembers I ever existed,
you're the only one who can see me. Except maybe that freaky
little kid from the movie."
"Well, in that case, goodnight. I'll deal with you in the
morning." I turned off the light and got back into bed.
"Fine. I'll sing you a lullaby. La, la, la la LA la..."
I needed an extra strong pot of coffee to get going the
next morning. Tim was still there, still singing that damn
song. Did I mention he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket?
"Shut up, Tim."
"...la la LA..."
"Shut up, Tim!"
"...LA, la, la..."
I threw a vase at him. Bad move, as it was one of my
mother's good vases. It shattered harmlessly against the wall.
"Temper, temper, Susan. Remember, that's how you got into
this fix in the first place. La, la, la..."
I was even further irritated to learn that nothing in my
spellbooks told me how to get rid of a ghost. So I called an
old friend, Madam Zonga.
"A ghost, you say? You used a reality-altering spell,
didn't you, dearie?"
"Yes," I said. "Now, how do I get rid of it?"
She sighed. "You don't. We all have to live with our
ghosts." There was a strange crackle on the line. "Stop
laughing, Boris!"
"You're absolutely sure?" Tim had started laughing too.
"I've been searching for fifty years, dearie. If you find
something, let me know." She hung up.
I tried to ignore Tim for the next few days. After all,
only I could see or hear him, and he couldn't physically affect
things. But it got on my nerves, his following me everywhere,
into the bathroom, my car, even into phone booths. And always,
that constant singing!
Rendering myself deaf with a spell provided a little
relief, but I couldn't live with that.
Finally, I thought of something. If I altered reality so
that Tim existed again, he wouldn't be dead anymore and have to
stop bothering me! I quickly gathered the necessary ingredients
and drove to Tina's place.
It took three rings of the doorbell before she answered.
She looked exhausted, but glowing.
"Hey, Susan, long time no see!"
We hugged.
She gave a big grin, which was in fact completely different
than Tim's. "I've got great news! I'm getting married!"
I smiled weakly. "That's wonderful. Tell me all about
it."
As I started getting out the spell paraphernalia, I noticed
that for the first time in days, I couldn't see or hear Tim. It
was such a relief.
"And Jorge gave me this ring, and we're getting married on
his yacht, and..."
It was a very nice-looking ring, if it wasn't paste. I
hadn't given Tina the best judgment in men.
"And will you be my maid of honor?" she asked, almost out
of breath.
"Um, sure," I said, my preparations almost complete.
"Great! Uhh, by the way, what are you doing with that
knife?"
"It's called an athame, and don't worry, you won't feel a
thing."
I called upon the spirits of the wind to bind Tina, and
began the ritual. It was essentially the opposite of the one
I'd used to make her in the first place.
I felt a presence being sucked into the room, and into
Tina. The physical changes started at the edges of the
apartment and crackled in like a photograph on fire.
Then her clothing wriggled in place as it shifted to
accommodate her growth and shape change. Tim's familiar features
appeared on his face, and his grin spread wide.
"I'm back!" he cried in delight.
The strings of wind snapped, and he fell to the floor,
somehow fascinated with the pain.
"Oh, it's so good to feel again!"
I'd long since lost any affection I'd had for him. Torture
will do that to you. So I packed up my things and left without
a word.
It was so good to drive in my car, alone. So good to check
my answering machine, alone. So good just to sit alone in my
silent apartment, that I nearly cried with relief.
Until last night, when I was woken by the sound of weeping.
I opened my eyes, and there was Tina....
FIN
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Kaylin
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