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Adjustments Part 2: The Beauty of Grey By Starson Daly ***This is part two of the Adjustments saga. It's as if the whole thing were one whole book. Enjoy!**** [email protected] ****THE STORY SO FAR: Devin, a college student is involved in a lab accident and becomes Nia. In the first part, we learned of his struggle to adjust to being a woman. Now. . . .***** Chapter 7 - Stardom If you had told me a year ago that I would be the new star actress in my college's theatre troupe, I would have told you that you were either high or insane. Of course back then I would have had a good reason to think that you were wrong. You see, I was born a man named Devin. I had no idea that an internship would change my life so drastically (For more details, see ADJUSTMENTS part one.). Now, thanks to a needle, I'm Nia, a fully functioning genetic female with no way of returning to my former life or gender. Now here it was, nearly spring and I was about to star in my third production with the Western State University Theatre Company. I have to laugh when thinking about it all because I'm not even a theatre major. My background is in Biochemistry, which I am quite good at. However, it was also indirectly responsible for the situation I was in. It had served me well in life but now I'm starting to have second thoughts. The recent buzz over my acting abilities has caused a few opportunities for me to make a few commercials. It's also made me a reluctant campus celebrity of sorts. Now when I went to class, I would have people come up to me asking me all sorts of questions and even asking for my autograph! It's almost comical because I always think "If they only knew!" I suppose I owed so much of my success to my friend Max. He was the one who convinced me to audition for my first play. The next play that I was in was written and directed by Max, and he gave me the leading role, claming that it was "tailor made" for me. Unknown to me at the time, he also took the liberty of inviting some talent scouts to watch my performance. Thanks to his politicking on my behalf I now had a talent agent and he was putting together a video profolio of my commercials and scenes from my stage plays. On top of my newfound "stardom", Max was also a big help with my emotional adjustment. His friendship with me and my friends Murphy and Dana provided me with a much-needed link to the outside world. I had decided a while back that I was destined to live my life alone. My few friends were the only people I had in the way of human companionship. I just decided that love was not in the cards for me and that the best I could hope for was keeping a few close-knit friends. But Max refused to let me sit in my shell. He and Murphy were always dragging me out somewhere. We went to football games, out of state for concerts, and we were all planning to take a cruse during the summer. Now tonight they were abducting me to go to karaoke night. I was enjoying my new book, but Max literally carried me out to the car. "You can't stay inside the house all your life." He told me as he buckled me in. I just rolled my eyes and tried not to smirk. I had to admit that I really enjoyed how he fussed over me sometimes. It made me feel like I had some meaning in this world. Dana was like a sister and Murphy had been my surrogate brother and constant protector, but part of that was because they helped me through my period of transition. Unlike them, Max had no knowledge of my former life. He liked me for the person that I had become. He challenged me and forced me to be outgoing. He knew just what buttons to push to get me to do something. He saw something in me that I refused to tap into now that I had become a woman. It was a newfound confidence that he forced me to discover and use to the best of my abilities. We arrived at the bar in College Square, a part of town that catered to the students. Max opened the door for me and I smiled at him. "So I take that you're not mad at me anymore?" He asked. "Oh, I'm still upset, you just earned some brownie points, that's all." I winked at him as I walked past and caught up with Dana. "Then tell me, O Goddess, what must this humble servant do to earn your good graces once again?" "You can start by laying off the corny dialogue." I shot back at him from over my shoulder. I loved to give him a hard time; he was such a good sport. I also think he would hate it if I ever went soft on him. We went inside and took a table in front of the stage. Dana and I sat opposite of Murphy and Max. The conversation between us was typical. Seeing as how the girls were on one side and the boys were on the other, it became a battle of the sexes. Murphy and Max had to say something every time Dana took a glance around the room for guys. It wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't for Dana constantly whispering in my ear. "Check him out over there." She whispered. "I wonder if he's single." "Dana, I don't really care if he is or not." "Well I care. Come on, you're supposed to be my best girlfriend here. You're not allowed to take their side anymore." "Then I'm neutral." I said flatly. "You know you can ever be neutral around Max." She whispered. I narrowed my eyes at her. "You know better." I said sternly. I so wanted to lay into her, but she was saved by Max's big mouth. "What's with all the girl talk? We want to hear . . ." "Yeah, speak up." Murphy chimed in behind him. "Look, Scooby and Shaggy, why don't you two go find some girls to hook up with. You spend too much time around us girls and people might get the wrong idea." I told them dryly. Dana looked like she was about to say something, but I quickly turned back to her. "Don't even think it." She calmly shut her mouth and continued to look around for potential boyfriends. The rest of the evening was filled with watching the people compete for the amateur night cash prize. Some of the singers were terrible, but there were a few who were passable. Then somewhere near the end of the show the MC came up to the microphone, and what he said truly shocked me. "Next up on our program is another Western State student. She's made quite a splash with her acting talents and now she's ready to give singing a try. Please welcome Nia Miller." I looked up from my glass of wine to the MC when he said my name. I immediately cut my glance over to Max. He was sitting back in his seat with a smug expression on his face. The crowd began to clap and whistle and I started turning beet red. "You bastard." I said to Max in low tones. "I've been listening to you sing in your car all the time, I thought you could at least give it a try." "But I don't even know what to sing." "Don't worry about it, that's all taken care of. Just go on up there and sing." I gave him an evil stare and he just smiled. I reluctantly left my seat and walked up on stage. The MC handed me the mic and I stood there with my eyes low to the ground. I was nervous as hell, but I knew Max and he had never put me in a situation that I couldn't handle. I was putting my trust in him, but if I crashed and burned, he was dead meat when we got home. Just as I was about to freeze up and run off stage, I heard a familiar melody and all my confidence came flowing back. The song was one that I had sung about a million times, "Get along without you" by Kelis. I closed my eyes and started into the lyrics of the song, but I never looked at the monitor. I knew this one word for word. The crowd fell silent as I began to get louder with my vocals. I started to feel in control again, and I started to move around the stage. I was dancing a bit and moving to the song with the confidence I felt when I was acting. When I got to my favorite part of the song, I just belted it out with all my heart and soul. These eyes. . . Don't need these thighs As a matter of fact this damn life Cause I just wanna get along with you Try me Cause I agree What makes you happy But the part that I don't get is Why Me You deny me Now I'm forced upon this planet Sadly lonely nights I'm used to getting You took my heartbeat from me This is the saddest story What was wrong with my love You took my heartbeat from me Was it I loved you poorly Whatever it was I just wanna get along with you. . . . (Kelis - Kaleidoscope 1999 Virgin Records) The crowd whooped and hollered as I brought the song to a close. The whole room got up and gave me a standing ovation. I bowed and looked over to Max, Dana and Murphy. "Go Nia!" Murphy exclaimed. Max just nodded to me and I mouthed an idle treat to him. We left about an hour later, me with a trophy in my hand and about one hundred bucks richer. "Still pissed at me?" Max asked all-knowingly. I scooted away from him and looked out the window with a smile. "You have proved your worthiness to your goddess again." "And you call me corny?" "Do you wish to end up in the Goddesses' doghouse again?" "No ma'am." "Good." I smiled and looked down at my trophy. "You really should think about singing . . . ." he said once more. "Shut up. ." I said playfully. "Just a suggestion." "Any more suggestions and I'll be a rock star by the time you're done with me." "Just call me your muse . . ." "I can think of other things to call you." "Ouch." Yep, I owed him a lot. Too bad I wasn't going to let him know it. Chapter 8 - The Light I sat up in front of the mirror looking at myself and trying to figure out what I wanted to wear. I had a rehearsal later on so I wanted something casual but fun. I tried on several different outfits, but in the end I choose a white baby-tee with the word KITTEN printed across the front and a pair of skintight leather pants. I pulled my hair up in a loose ponytail and placed a pair of sunglasses on top of my head purely for show. I then turned to the mirror and looked at the finished product. I winked at my reflection before leaving, then headed out to the mall. Today it was just going to be me, myself and I. I got to the mall and got out of my new Mitsubishi 3000-XLT. I knew I had a little bounce in my stride today. I hard earned a nice sum of money from my last commercial, and I had decided to treat myself to a new outfit or nine. I made a direct beeline to my favorite store and began my assault on the racks. That was when I noticed a woman glancing at me from the other side of the store. Normally I wouldn't have given it another thought except it was the way she was looking at me that made me notice. There was a gleam in her eyes along with a look of confidence behind it. She gave me the once over and then our eyes met. I was feeling uneasy, because I noticed that she kept stealing glances at me. The whole time I was trying to figure out why she seemed so interested in me. I didn't know her from anywhere, and it couldn't be over a boyfriend, so I was stumped. If it had been about simple female jealousy, I would have picked up on that. But from the looks of things she had no reason to be jealous of anyone. She was a beauty, that much was obvious. I took notice of that right away. I may have been turned into a woman, but I was still a red-blooded male on the inside when it came to what I liked. She had a body to absolutely die for and she seemed to love showing it off. She wore a sleeveless low cut top that hugged her gorgeous breasts. I had learned that my own breasts were a D cup and from the looks of things she was about the same size. She had long jet-black hair that flowed freely as she moved around and shined when the light hit it. Her skin was a perfect caramel color and her eyes were simply mesmerizing. It seemed that you could get lost in them forever. My eyes ran down her tight, bare belly that gave way to her lovely hips. She was wearing a pair of baggy jeans and sneakers, but she had them so that the sides of her panties showed slightly from underneath. I decided that I needed to go, so I picked out a blue top and a tube skirt and paid for it. As I walked out, I felt someone tap me on my shoulder. I turned to find the girl from the store standing there with a smile on her face. "Aren't you that Nia girl, the one who's been in all those plays everyone has been taking about?" She shifted her weight to one side and folded her arms. I felt a bit more at ease now that she had actually spoken to me, but I still didn't feel very sure about her. "Yeah, that's me." I said with a small smile. She nodded in approval and looked around as if she were thinking. "I saw your last performance. It was great." "Thanks" "Are you going to be in anything else?" "I'm getting ready to be in another show in about a week." "I'll have to be sure to make that show." She held out her hand to me in a lady-like fashion. "Brandi Roamer." "Nice to meet you, B-Brandi." I took her hand and instantly felt a jolt between us. I hadn't felt that since my last date over a year before. Why did I feel so hot all of a sudden? We chatted on for a few more minutes, and I kept staring into her eyes. I felt my heart beating a bit faster and I could tell I was getting short of breath. Then she hit me with a question that seemed to stop my heart completely. "I was wondering, if you weren't busy, if I could call you sometime?" She looked at me with a sly, confident smile and I felt dazed under her stare. Was this really happening? "Uh, well I . . . guess." I don't remember taking the pen and paper from her hand, but I must have written my number down. I could tell by the smile on her face. We said our good-byes and I went straight home. When I walked in, I plopped down on the couch next to Murphy. He must have taken notice of my dazed state cause he turned off the playstation. "Ok, what's wrong?" He asked me. I slowly turned to face him. "What do you mean?" I tried to play it dumb. "You have that glazed donuts expression in your eyes and you don't get that unless . . . oh my God, you met a girl." I lowered my eyes and sighed weakly. "It's obvious huh?" I asked solemnly. "Hey, don't feel bad, you have always gotten that expression ever since I've known you. You're an open book when it comes to your feelings." He grinned at me slightly then patted me on the back. "However, I'm sure that your current state puts you in a difficult situation." "Shut up, I know . ." I said weakly. "Good hair?" "The Best" "Face?" "Flawless" "body. . ?" "to die for. ." "voice?" "pure music" "conversation?" "nice personality. And she's aggressive." "What? "She approached me." "You lucky bastard. You get to experience girl on girl action first hand and she's the man in the relationship." I beat him with a pillow before twisting his arm. "Ouch! Damn!" he screamed. "Take it back!" "Ok, Ok!" I let his arm go. "You know, you're too strong for a girl, you sure that needle changed you completely?" he rubbed his arms. "Oh, did I hurt the little man's ego?" I questioned jokingly. He smiled again and I knew that all was forgiven. "Bitch" "Whore" "Skank" "Trash" "Easy" "Sissy" He held his chest as if in pain, then started to sniffle. "That hurt." He said with his patented goofy expression on his face. I picked up a pillow and my lips curled up into a sly smile. I turned to him and he knew just what I was thinking. "Pillow War!" I let out my war cry and pounced on him with a pillow raised over my head. He tried to defend himself with his hands, but he knew he was done. We struggled around a few more minutes before the phone rang. Murphy picked it up. Then he turned to me and held the receiver out. "It's for you. It's some girl named Brandi . . ." He didn't need to ask, he already knew. I quietly took the phone and held it to my ear. "Hello, Brandi?" I said over the phone. Chapter 9 - Lonely no More I can't think back to a time in my life when I was nervous about a date. Having the initial courage to ask someone out was different, but once that was done I never had a problem with the date itself. Then I again, I never had a woman ask me out before. For once the tables were turned on me. Brandi had pretty much told me when to be ready and didn't give me much choice in the matter. Not that I was really doing much objecting. "Wear something showy." She told me over the phone. "Elegant and classy, but nothing too dressy or stiff." So I spent the first half of the next day getting something together for that evening. I went to the salon earlier that morning and got my hair and nails done. Then Dana and I sat up the rest of the day going though my closet trying to choose my outfit. I finally chose a short, light blue silk dress and a short leather jacket. I wasn't sure how to approach the situation, so I played it safe with my make up. I didn't wear much, just a little more eye shadow and foundation than I usually wore during the day. I wore my brownish colored lipstick to go with my natural look, then waited nervously in my room. At seven sharp, I heard a ring at the door. I wanted to run downstairs, but I waited as Dana had instructed me to do. I listened for a few moments next to the door from my room and heard Brandi and Murphy talking. A minute later Dana came up to my door and opened it. She was all smiles when she looked at me. "You didn't tell me she looked THAT good!" she said as she closed the door behind her. "I didn't think it would be a big deal." I bit my lip nervously. "How does she look tonight? Did I pick the right outfit? Is it too much?" I paced a few steps while I babbled. "She looks as good as you do, now hold still and let me check you over." Dana looked me over, and poked at my lips with a tube of lipstick then touched my hair. "There, now let's go, you don't want to keep her waiting." She nudged me out the door and I suddenly felt like I had made a mistake. I wanted to just tell Dana to send her away, but I knew she would have dragged me down to Brandi. I was still in doubt as I went downstairs, but I saw the answer to all my questions waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. She had her hair swept over one of her eyes, giving her a mysterious look. But her expression gave away her thoughts. She was wearing a short white skirt and top with a matching waist-length jacket. As I walked down to her, our eyes never left each other. I was so caught up in her alluring gaze that I couldn't speak. Then we just stood next to each other, the nervousness obvious in her body language. This struck me as odd as I had never expected to see her off her guard. "Hi" she said finally. I moved a few strands of hair out of my face and smiled. "Hi" I replied. "I see you've met my roommates Murphy and Dana." "Oh yes, especially Murphy here," she cut her eyes toward him and grinned. "He's very protective of his sisters." I rolled my eyes and glanced over to him. "Just doing my job." He said plainly. Then he gave me a thumbs-up sign of approval. I clutched my purse and turned to Brandi. "Are you ready?" she asked. "Yeah, lets go." I went for the door, but she opened it for me. "After you." she said with that all-knowing smile on her face. I stood there for a moment in shock. "Have her home by one. . . ow!" I didn't bother looking at Murphy or Dana, knowing that she had given him a blow to the head. Brandi and I walked out to the parking lot and she led me to a black Honda Accord, then opened the passenger side door for me. I slid in back first and swung my legs in. I noticed Brandi admired my legs for a moment before she closed the door. When she got in, she continued to look me over until we drove off. We began talking after we got up the road a bit. "Where are we going?" I asked. "I thought we would have a nice dinner and maybe a little dancing." "Then this should be an interesting evening." "I think you will like it." "So sure?" "I've made a few arrangements." I could only speculate what was behind that somewhat smug expression she had. I wasn't worried however, because I had a feeling that she was right. We continued to talk and I got to know her better. She was a second year student and she worked for a law firm as an assistant. I could see right away that she was going to be an excellent lawyer. When she would ask about my life and past, I tried not to go into too much detail. I felt bad about lying to her, but I simply justified my actions by telling myself that it really wasn't relevant to the person I was now. Just because I was born a different person than who I was now didn't hold anything over the person that I had become. We stopped in front of a small restaurant got out. I didn't recognize it even though I knew I must have passed it over a hundred times. "Where is this? I've never been here before." I said as she helped me out the car. I noticed that she didn't let my hand go after I got out. "Antonio's" she answered. "It's been here for a while now. I know the owner personally." We walked in the front door and I noticed how well the doorman treated us. He greeted Brandi by name and he was very cordial to me. The host was just as nice and he couldn't get to us fast enough. "Miss Roamer, so good to see you again." The host said to Brandi when he walked over to us. Brandi gave him a quick hug and smiled. "Thank you, Arlin. I think Antonio left word that we were coming?" "Oh course, Miss Roamer. Follow me." The place was really luxurious. All the tables were intimately tucked away from each other, and the lights were dim giving it a very romantic feel. All the tables were candlelit and it seemed that nothing was spared in the way of expense. All of the seats were velvet, the tablecloths made of fine silk, and all the silverware looked as if it was made from real sliver. But what stood out the most were the clientele. I noticed a few male and female couples, but those were vastly outnumbered by the gay and lesbian couples. Some were actually threesomes or even couples sharing with other couples. What was even more interesting was that none of them were pawing each other. Everyone seemed very discreet, with the very best manners. Needless to say, I was impressed. The host led us to the back of the restaurant past the main dinning hall and though a curtain. Past the curtain was a small room nestled off away from the crowd. It was the nicest table I had seen, looking to be made of heavy oak with a carved finish. Brandi led me over to one of the lavish seats and pulled it out for me. I noticed a rather large bouquet of roses lying in the seat. Brandi picked them up and handed them to me. I stood there speechless, not sure whether to touch them or not. The only time anyone had given me roses was after a play, and it was usually Murphy, Dana or Max. I stood there with my mouth parted. Brandi only grinned at me then lightly pushed my bottom lip up. "Close that pretty mouth of yours, we haven't eaten yet." That sassy smile of hers was just too much. I felt so helpless at that moment as I looked into her eyes. All I once I felt weak in my knees. She must have felt the tension as well because she slowly helped me into my seat, but her breathing changed. Then the host seated her and handed us both menus. "Order whatever you want." Brandi told me as she leaned over towards me. I couldn't help but grin at her affectionately. "A girl could get used to this. . . " I told her. "I plan on you getting very used to it." I looked at out of the corner of my eye while I smelled the roses. She raised her eyebrow at me but her expression didn't change. "Tell me, how did you know you I would accept your invitation to dinner?" "I didn't," Brandi answered. "but at the same time I wasn't going to allow you to say no." "Confident are we?" "Let's just say when I see something I like, I go after it." I didn't really know what to say to her. I had never been on the receiving end of this speech even though I knew it well. I had given it several times to girls I had been interested in when I was a man. Now I knew what women I used to date felt like when I took them out. "You have to excuse me, I'm not used to this kind of treatment." "I don't believe you." "Why not?" "You mean to tell me that no one has ever pursued you?" "Actually, no." She laughed at this and I raised my eyebrow at her. "I find that hard to believe. You never dated anyone in high school? No men ever tried to ask you out?" I shook my head. She stared at me in bewilderment. "You realize how hard it is for me to believe that." "Well, I'm telling you the truth. No guy or girl has really ever tried to pursue me. At least not like you have." "The odds of a beautiful, intelligent and talented woman like yourself never being asked out are extremely low." I lowered my eyes slightly then sighed. "Perhaps I wasn't always as beautiful as people say I am." "You mean to tell me you were an ugly duckling?" I remained silent and kept my eyes low. She smiled and reached over to touch my hand. It's alright, I understand how things go." "If you say so." After the brief moment of tension, we ordered. I decided on the Lobster (hey, women did it to me all the time!) and she had the grilled chicken. Then she got up and helped me to my feet. "Where are we going?" She stood behind me and held me by the waist for a moment. All of a sudden the warmth came back to me. "There's a dance hall in the back, I hope you know how." Her breath danced over the skin on my neck and I was getting that weak-kneed feeling again. She held me up and then led me to the another room. The hallway opened up to a large ballroom where several couples were dancing slowly to a piano. The piano player sat behind a large gold grand piano and played softly as the couples swayed along to the rhythm. Brandi led me out to the dance floor by my hand, then took me by the waist. I must have shown some nervousness because she smiled at me and took things very slowly. She took the lead and I went along with her movements. I could feel my face blushing. She squeezed my hand once to reassure me then pulled me closer. Before I knew it, we were cheek-to-cheek completely wrapped into each other's arms. I felt the warmth of her body against my own and I began to feel something that I had never felt before. I felt comfort and unity, like I had found someone who understood me. Everything about Brandi felt so right at that moment that I never wanted it to end. I closed my eyes and just surrendered to the feeling. Her breath danced inside my ear as she spoke. "You really want to know why I asked you out?" "Yes" "You seemed like you were looking more for companionship than a relationship." "You were so sure?" "I saw it in your eyes. Even when I saw you on stage, I noticed it. I saw you reaching out." "How did you know what I was searching for?" "Because none of the usual things were there. I saw none of the flirtiness or coyness in your eyes. You knew you were beautiful but you didn't care. You weren't looking for people to admire your beauty on stage, you just wanted them to believe that was who you really were. I only saw sincerity and truth." "Truth?" "I saw something pure in you." "Well we all wear masks. You think you know me so well." "I don't. But I want to." "What if I told you that you were wrong?" "I don't think I am." "You're rather optimistic." "Well, prove me wrong." "I don't want to." "Then what do you want to do?" "To believe in what you believe in." By this time, my emotions were running wild inside me. One part of me wanted to run the movement she said the word truth. I felt like I was duping her. But I wanted to melt into her arms just for believing me. I was being torn up inside, but at the moment the part of me that wanted to surrender to her was winning. In the end it won out when I found her lips together with mine. I don't remember how it happened, I just remember realizing we were kissing. It seemed like we kissed forever, and when we did stop I felt dizzy and my breath had to catch up with me. That wasn't the last time we kissed that night. We kissed a few more times on the dance floor, then again at our table, Once more when we went out to the car. But the only one that came close to that first kiss was the one we shared when she dropped me off. "I had a good time," I said after the kiss ended. She smiled as she draped her arms around my neck. "I told you that you would enjoy yourself." She reached out and touched a few strands of my hair then brushed them back behind my ear. "When can I see you again?" "Soon" I nuzzled up against her hand. "So I charmed you." "Very much so." We kissed once more, then we parted. Brandi reached out and touched my lips before she finally left, then I walked into my apartment, feeling like a schoolgirl back from her first date. "And just where have you been, young lady?" I heard Murphy as I walked by, but ignored him and smelled the roses. I went to the kitchen. I placed my roses in a vase then went up to my room. Before I slept, I stared at my vase until I fell asleep. Chapter 10 - Walking a Thin Red Line Brandi, Brandi, Brandi. Oh, Brandi. That's about all I could think about for about a month after that first date. I was completely smitten with her and she treated me like the most precious stone in the world's most sacred treasure. We went out more after that first night, usually some surprise of hers. Once she took me out of town and drove 4 hours to Chicago to the Opera, of all things. All on a whim because I was looking in a magazine and casually mentioned I liked the way the Opera house was designed. Then there was the weekend that she insisted that I clear any plans I had, then drove me to the airport and we hopped on a plane to Florida. We spent the weekend living by the beach, laying out and taking in the nightlife. She became the first person to see me in a bikini. She was also the first person to see me out of one. She spoiled me rotten, always telling me how wonderful I was and forever buying me things. After our third month together she bought me a gold locket with a heart-shaped diamond imbedded in the cover. I never took it off because I placed a small picture of us inside it. I took an active interest in her, and because of all the time we spent together I learned I had a passion for cooking. It wasn't long before she became a fixture in our house, and I started helping Dana cook. I got a few books and tried a few recipes on Brandi and she loved them. In general, she and my roommates loved my cooking. It made me happy to be able to please them. But most of all, it made me happy that I was no longer alone. Due to my busy schedule, I had to take the time I had free and use it wisely. I wasn't able to see Max as much, and for some reason he didn't come over as much as he used to. The times that he did, he didn't stay long or he and Murphy usually left. Murphy claimed that he and Max didn't want to deal with action in the house that they weren't a part of, but I merely put his comments off as a joke. Regardless, Brandi and I spend as much time together as our schedules would allow. She came to some of my play rehearsals and I would go and spend time with her on her lunch break on most days. Some nights she would stay over or I would stay at her place. It felt so good to be snuggled up next to someone at night. She felt so warm and so soft and I couldn't help but feel safe and content in her arms. Many nights I would fall asleep in her arms, both of us nude and Brandi would hold me and kiss my forehead over and over. She would whisper things to me all night until I would go to sleep, or I would softly trace the contours of her face with my finger. The connection we had was pure electricity and I loved every minute of it. Our relationship also educated me on how the world really works. We earned more than our share of stares when we went around hand in hand. We were not at all shy about our closeness and we didn't feel like we needed to hide it. We simply took it all in stride. Most people were ok with it all, but there were a few ignorant people who had to put their two cents in. Nevertheless we were happy. My friends were happy about it. Murphy and Dana were completely supportive of Brandi and me. Max seemed truly happy for me and glad that I had found someone to complete me. Those who I knew from classes or from plays were pretty good too, though a few of them would look and stare for a moment when Brandi would come up behind me and wrap her arms around my waist. Some would even come up and would say things. Most of them were nice, but there were others who were completely stupid. The only negative thing that our relationship seemed to do was cut into the time that Max and I spent together, and that hurt me a bit. He had been such a major factor in my adjustment to life and had been there for me when no one outside of Dana and Murphy was. It got so bad that the only times I really had to spend with him was the time that we had when we worked on plays. I was beginning to detect a bit of separation between us and I decided that I wanted my friend back. I had been working late on our summer production when I decided I was going to ask Max to come over afterwards for dinner. I was sitting down in a seat off the stage taking a break, when I felt someone kiss me on the cheek. "How's my star?" I heard Brandi say as I glanced up to her. I smiled warmly and touched her hand when she slid it on my shoulder. "As perfect as my life can get right now." I replied to her. I gave her a hand a light squeeze and she rested her chin on my other shoulder. "How long are you working tonight, baby?" she asked. "We'll be here for a while. Things are going slow right now." I watched as the director was going over something with one of the cast members for about the 30th time. I blinked a few times, feeling the sleep trying to take me over. Brandi must have taken notice as well, because she turned her head and kissed me lightly on the eyelids. "Why are you so good to me?" "Because you deserve it. You brought something I was missing in my life." "And what was that?" "Perfection." She took my face by the hands and then leaned over and kissed me deeply. I sighed softly and felt all gooey inside as we continued to kiss for a few moments. Then she moved back and waved at me. "Call me later, ok baby?" "Did you have to ask?" She gave me her wry grin and walked off. I just watched her ass sway all the way to the door, and I was filled with an instant joy. I got up and walked back up to the stage and looked for Max. I found him backstage doing on some paper work. I walked up to him and popped him on the head. He turned around and looked down at me with a troubled expression, but it instantly changed when he realized whom it was. "Ah, come to visit us working behind the scenes?" I simply folded my arms and ignored his comment. "You know you should be in this production, Maxie dear." I said with a poke to his chest with my finger. He just shrugged and looked at me with a helpless expression. "Can't do it this time, I've been working more this summer. That's why we couldn't take that cruise, remember?" "Yeah, but just the same, I need my friend." He smiled at me when I said that, and then reached out and touched my shoulder. "You have Brandi now, you don't need me." "Bullshit. I wouldn't have done half the things I've done if it weren't for you. Hell, I probably wouldn't have met Brandi if it weren't for you." He gave me a skeptical look. "How do you figure?" "If I hadn't started acting, she wouldn't have seen me and we wouldn't have met." I smiled up and him shyly. He just chuckled and shook his head. "You could have still met somewhere on campus." "Can't you just take your credit?" I stood there with my hands on my hips with my weight shifted to one side. "How can I refuse you?" "You can't." "You don't know how right you really are." I looked up at him for a moment, trying to decipher what he meant. Then he leaned down slightly and closed the space in between us. I stood there, mind racing, but before I got a chance to react, he kissed me softly but firmly. My first reaction was fear and shock, but surprisingly, the next one was pleasure. I found myself kissing him back. I actually enjoyed it! Then something flashed though my head and I freaked. BRANDI! I was in love with Brandi! It was then that I pushed him away from me. We both turned away from each other and the awkwardness was instantly felt. I looked down at the floor, the feeling of shame creeping over me. "You know you really shouldn't have done that." I said as calmly as I could, but the malice in my voice could still be detected. He finally turned back around and looked me in the eye. "I know, but felt like the moment was right. . ." "THE MOMENT? You know I have a girlfriend!" "You can't help who you fall for, Nia." I said to me. His eyes looked regretful, but I could tell he wasn't completely sorry. "Max, I don't want to mess up our friendship." "Well, I really wish I could turn off my feelings, especially now, but I've felt this way for quite a while now." "How long?" "When did we first meet?" I sighed and rolled my eyes. Tears were beginning to form in my eyes. "Max. . . please, we can't go this route." "Don't say you didn't like it." "That's not the point. I have someone." "Well, what if I said you were worth fighting for?" I broke down into tears completely when I heard that. "You don't know me, Max. You don't know me." "What do you mean I don't know you? I've known you almost a year now." "But you don't KNOW me!" I tried as hard as I could not to get loud, but my voice was spiraling up. "Wha-what are you getting at?" He looked so confused and I didn't know what do about it. "I-I can't tell you. . ." I just turned away from him again. He tried to touch me, but I moved away. "Look, I know there's some feeling there. I can see it in your eyes. And I like Brandi and all, but I can't help how I feel. Just give me a chance. If you do that, I promise I won't bother you again." I started looking around for my purse. "Look, I really can't talk about this right now. I need to think." "Well, don't think too hard." I wanted to slap him. "I'm going now. I'll talk to you later." I didn't bother looking at him. I just walked out as fast as I could. On the way home, I cried my eyes out trying to figure out what I had done. Why did I have to have one of my friends fall for me? We had been doing so well, and I had such a great relationship. And why did I like it? I loved Brandi, but I liked kissing Max. Didn't I used to be a man? Wasn't I just a man in a woman's body? When did I become a woman? When did I become a lesbian? When did I become a straight woman? When did all of this happen to me? I felt like my whole reality was suddenly coming crashing down. I don't know how I got home. I just remember walking into the house and Dana seeing me with tears in my eyes. She quietly led me into my room and handed me some tissue. When I calmed down a bit, she finally spoke. "Now what's wrong, hon?" she asked. "Dana," I said between sniffles. "I have a BIG problem. . ." Chapter 11 - Confession, Sin, Revelation I knocked on the door and sighed. I shouldn't be here, but I had to set things straight. I had to see if we were ok. I knew it wasn't going to be perfect, hell, we had gone though so much together. He opened the door and looked me over. His expression wasn't very friendly or optimistic, and I could hardly blame him. I just walked past him into the apartment. "We need to talk. ." I said to him plainly. ". . and before you say anything I need to talk and you need to listen for a while." I think he nodded, but I didn't notice as I walked into the house and just took a seat. I looked at him for a moment and he had a look as if to say "Well?" I took a deep breath and sighed. "Now you know I love you. You've been nothing but perfect. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten as far as I have without you. But now, I'm just starting to enjoy everything and Brandi. . . and now this . ." He just looked at me for a moment, like a puppy being scolded. "You know I'm flattered. You know it's not because I don't like you, honestly, I think I do. But I'm in love with Brandi." He moved like he was going to speak, but I held my hand up and looked at him pleadingly. He nodded and let me finish. "You can understand what I'm going though right now. It's really just bad timing. You know, see you next lifetime or so? I love Brandi, but I would be lost if I lost my best friend over all of this. I can understand if you didn't want to be around me anymore, but I hope that you would reconsider and just continue to be my friend. I wouldn't be the same without you pushing me into the spotlight because I'm not strong enough to do it on my own." I looked at him to try to read him, but he just seemed really perplexed. He slid into the seat next to me on the couch and looked off into space. Finally, he broke the heavy silence. "I. . . have loved you for what seems like an eternity." He began. "I remember meeting you that day on campus and seeing so much in you that was real. I knew then there was so much of you ready to burst out. I watched you as we became friends and I saw how lonely and sad you were. I wanted to help you. I saw the talent you had. I wanted to help you let it out. But then I wanted to be yours forever. I couldn't see life without you. Most of all, I wanted to see you happy. Then Brandi comes along and it seemed like you were happy. I was happy for you. I truly was. But I realized I wasn't happy. I admit, I was selfish, I wanted your attention again. I think that's part of why I did what I did, but I know I would have done it at some point. I had to let you know how I felt. Nia, you don't know the effect you have on people. I'm sure Brandi tells you, but I fell under your spell as well. Even though I want you happy, I can't apologize for my feelings." I sighed softly and looked down at the floor. "You just don't know." I said softly. "What are you talking about? What do you mean I don't know." "Max, I can't tell you." "So why bring it up. Nia, I want to know you. I mean that." "No you really don't want to know this." "Try me." "Max. . ." "Nia, give me a little credit, won't you? I love you. You've been my best friend too. You can tell me anything." I looked him in the eyes, wanting to know if he was serious. I knew there was no good way to tell him, I didn't even know if I should. But for some reason, I felt like I had to. "Max, what I'm about to tell you must never, ever leave this room. I mean it, only Dana and Murphy know about this. Besides, you probably won't believe me anyway." He looked at me strangely. I think he really was taken off guard by all of this. Nevertheless he nodded in agreement. "A while before you met me, I wasn't who you see before you now. I was named Devin and Dana and Murphy were my childhood friends. After the accident I became Nia. . ." I let it hang in the air and I slowly glanced up at him, hoping he would get the message. He only looked at me blankly while the silence lingered in the air. "Are you telling me you were a. . .?" His mouth couldn't seem to form the words and I only nodded slowly. "But . . how? Why?" He touched his head and leaned back in his chair. "It was an experimental drug and I was accidentally injected with it." I said. "That's how I became what I am today." "Bullshit" "I'm dead serious Max." "Come on Nia, this is a pretty low on the excuse meter. If you don't like me just say it. Don't lie to me, especially this badly. ." "Dammit, Max! Why the hell would I lie to you?" I got so flustered that I shot up in my seat and screamed my words. "Nia, give me some credit. If someone told you the same thing, would you believe them?" I thought about it for a moment and sunk down in my seat. "But that's just it, it's all true. I can even prove it to you. Dana and Murphy can even back me up." I fought back tears as I spoke. He looked at me evenly but with obvious uncertainty. "Let's just entertain this for a moment and say that you are telling the truth. Explain getting in school. Your past life, records. I've seen some of them when we have registered for classes." "All faked. I created my entire life when it happened." I lowered my head, feeling hopeless and ashamed. I knew it was becoming harder and harder to swallow. "And you say Dana and Murphy know about this?" "They were there when it happened." Max looked at me and searched my eyes. He was still reserved, but he didn't seem as unsure as he did when I first started talking. "You're dead serious, aren't you?" "I would be six feet under if I were anymore serious." "But, . . but. . damn! This is hard to swallow!" He looked as frustrated as I was when he spoke. "Max, this isn't easy to take in. Think what I had to deal with When I realized what had happened to me." "You mean you really were a man, but you're a woman now?" "That's basically it." I nodded to him. "But do you still have all of your old equipment?" He managed to question. "I'm one hundred percent female now. With all the working parts and plumbing." I kept my distance, because I didn't know how he would initially take it, but at that point it was fairly clear that he wasn't going to do anything. He just sat there with a blank expression on his face. When he finally looked at me, he looked like he was noticing me for the first time. "You can see why I would think that this is really unbelievable." He looked me over quickly as he spoke. I nodded solemnly. "How did all of this come to be? Did you want this?" I rolled my eyes and sat down across of him on a sofa. "No, I told you, it was an accident. Dana and Murphy worked with me at a lab and there was an incident with a needle. . ." I'm not sure when I decided to tell him the whole story, but before I could stop myself, I told him the entire story of my life of the last year and he hung on every word. When I was finished, he still looked dazed, but he had completely clamed down. "Amazing. You literally learned how to be a woman over a year's time." "Trust me, it's a lot harder than it sounds." "Can you . . . you know. . get pregnant?" He asked weakly. "I suppose. I have never tried. I don't think I will, at least not any time in the near or distant future, thank you." "Have you even had sex?" I rolled my eyes and smiled. For once I felt a bit more at ease talking to him. "Define having sex." I folded my arms over each other and looked at him almost grinning. "Have you had sexual intercourse with a man?" He asked evenly. "No, I have not sexual intercourse with a man." I sighed as I spoke. "You've never tested the waters? Checked the equipment for performance?" He was trying his hardest not to smile. "Ask Brandi." "Does she know?" "No, and I really plan on keeping that way." "Damn, and all this time I just figured you really were a fully blown, card-carrying lesbian." "Sorry, didn't plan on taking the traditional route, or any route for that matter. I'm sure everything works just fine, I mean, I have gone to a gynecologist before. But if you want to take my body for me and go find a willing participant, I'm sure you can find out if everything is in order." I grinned at him and watched him squirm in his seat. "I will take your word for it thank you." He finally managed to smile with that one. "So tell me, did you ever try to find the company that bought out the labs?" "I thought about it, but if I did try to get in touch with them, chances are they just would have used me as a test subject. I didn't want to be like the animals in the cages we used to work on." He nodded in agreement and looked down. "So you just decided to live with it?" "Yeah, I just figured it was just the best decision. Believe me, I thought about every avenue and approach to the problem. I even toyed with the idea of suicide or even just letting the world suck me up and do what it wanted with me." I felt myself weakening, but I also felt like some sort of wall was coming down from inside me. All the weight was being lifted from my shoulders and I wanted it all gone. "So tell me, if you had a chance to change back, would you take it?" I averted my gaze from his and bit my lower lip. That was the very question I has asked myself a million times and never answered because I was afraid of the answer. But for some reason, it felt like it was the right time to answer this question for him and myself. "I honestly don't know." I sighed as I began. "Within this body is still Devin. He's not the exact same person as before, but he's still there. Nia is a huge part of who I am, not just a name. Devin and Nia are part of each other now, two sides of the same coin. I don't think they can exist without each other now. A big part of me would jump at the chance to become Devin again. It would be wonderful to feel something familiar, something normal and male again. But there's another part of me that loves being Nia and doesn't want to lose that. Besides that, I would probably have to relearn how to be a man. While it's strange and at times very difficult, I can't say I haven't enjoyed my time as a female. I can even say I actually like it. But a chance to be my old self . . . it's a double edged sword." I felt a few tears forming in my eyes and I tried to turn away. But Max moved over next to me on the sofa and softly turned my face towards his with his fingertips. We locked onto each other's gaze as he wiped my tears away from my face. "It must have been terrible for you." He whispered softly. I began to sob quietly in his hands. It was the weakest I had ever felt since the accident. I suddenly just wanted to feel safe and comforted. "You have no idea how hard it was," I began to say in between sobs. I was ready to open the floodgates to him and hold on for dear life. "All the changes, and the looks and the clothes, the hormones and the periods. . . . I was scared . . . sometimes I still am afraid. Oh Max, you helped me so much! I was in a shell when you came around, I wouldn't have made it without you and Dana, and Murphy and Brandi. All of you have been so great to me. . ." He put his finger to my lips to quiet me and I looked up at him. I know that if I had been in my right mind I would have walked away, but that just wasn't the case. He leaned in and ever so softly pressed his lips to mine. It was so quick and so warm that it didn't register fast enough to my brain. That hesitation was all Max needed as a signal to keep going. By the time everything had registered in my head, Max had kissed me once again. It was more passionate and loving, and I felt every bit of his longing for me. What made it so bad is that I realized that I was kissing him back. I just melted into his arms and pressed my body closer against his as I kissed him with just as much hunger as he displayed. I wasn't thinking at all, I only reacted. It all felt natural at the time, so I don't think I felt like there was anything wrong at all. Perhaps it was that I wanted to be comforted and desired. Perhaps it was only what was natural to most women, that natural attraction between a man and a woman. Perhaps it was hormones. Perhaps it was that I felt that deep down, I wanted to thank Max for all he had done. Perhaps it was all of these and more rolled into one. All I know was that at the time, it felt good. He wrapped his arms around me and I felt so warm and comfortable in his embrace. He laid on top of me and began to kiss my neck softly and carefully unbuttoned my blouse. I squirmed in delight at his touch and heard a soft moan of pleasure escape from my lips. It was then that I was starting to realize what I was doing. I was about to make love to someone else other than Brandi, and more importantly, I was about to make love to a man. A tiny voice from the bottom of my soul began to cry out and beg and plead with me to stop everything. That if I stopped everything now, that Max would understand. But that cry came too little, too late for my body. It had compromised my morals and given in to the physical feelings I was having. I also heard a voice from inside me that was telling me that I loved Max. I loved him not just as my friend, but as a man and a woman love each other. These two voices argued as my body won out and did what it pleased. We stopped kissing and I looked up at him with my most innocent expression. He could see my breasts rise and fall with each heavy breath I took. He hesitated for a moment, as if he was unsure that this was all really happening. At that moment, everything could have stopped and we could have put our clothes on. It was a turning point, and I believe that Max wanted to give me a moment to clear my mind and realize what we were about to do. He was giving me a signal, and I responded by moving my fingers up to my breasts, then slowly undoing the clasp to my bra. Then I slowly uncrossed my legs and placed my hand over his to place it on my thigh. I must have been a sight to him, white blouse open, breast exposed with a short black skit rising up on my legs, face looking up at him with longing and seductive innocence. It was as if he had pushed some unknown button and unleashed a new side of me. I watched as his eyes followed my hand guiding his own up my leg towards my inner thigh. His breathing became more labored the closer his hand got to my sex, and I began to feel a warm sensation between my legs. Instinctively I moved my hips closer to him and licked my lips. "Nia, I. ." "Hush, Max. . ." "But you've never . ." "I don't care. I want to know what it's feels like for a woman" "Are you sure?" I answered him with a loving kiss and our fingers intertwined. He carefully moved his fingers over my clitoris and my body tensed up. I let out a small whimper and instantly began to feel myself get wet. I moved my free hand over his chest and began to tug at his shirt. I mouthed the words "Take it off," and he quickly threw his shirt off as I removed his belt. I ran my hands over his body and felt the hardness and definition of his chest. It was such a hard contrast to my soft curves. I was feeling dizzy with lust, and I wanted to be connected to him, to be part of him. Everything about him screamed attraction! He had started to kiss down between my breasts and work his way to my nipples. I felt them stiffen as his tongue came closer to them, and when he finally put his mouth on them, I started to writhe and moan uncontrollably. "Oh, God, Nia. I love you so much." I held his head to my bosom and played with his dark, curly locks as he licked my breasts. He took his time with everything, almost to the point that it was pure torture. His hands roamed my body carefully, as if he were reading my skin and every curve with his fingers. His other hand again found it's way to my clit and he began to stimulate me slowly, teasing my lips with his fingers before finally pushing past them. I moaned so loudly when his fingers entered me that I thought I scared him. I threw my head back and held him closer, letting him do as he pleased. He then moved his free hand to his pants, then slowly slid them down. At once I felt his manhood pushing up against my leg and I started to tense up a bit. This was it, the final taboo for me. I had long ago sworn that I would not have intercourse period, and now here I was, about to let a man invade me. I looked up at him with what I was sure was uncertainty in my eyes and I believe he saw it in my expression. He backed off a bit, but I took his hand and lightly tugged him back towards me. He gave me an expression as if to say "You sure?" and I nodded slightly. I pushed him up on his knees and sat up a bit to get a good look at him. I looked at it with curiosity, never having seen one from this end. Strangely, instead of thinking that I was breaking some great code from my male heterosexual past, I was only comparing it to my old penis. I figured I had been no slouch in that department, but I could clearly tell that he was well endowed and more so that I had been. I reached out and touched it with a finger, then with the palm of my hand. It felt like mine had felt before, and I was starting to feel a bit of separation with my old self. But for some reason I wanted to show him that I wasn't afraid, so I did something that I never believed I would have done. I leaned over slowly and opened my mouth, then flicked my tongue out over the tip. I heard him suck in a quick breath and glanced up at him. His expression was one of shock, and I began to grin when I saw it. I then licked it slowly, taking my time and getting used to the taste until I finally took him into my mouth. He groaned so much that it was intoxicating. The smell of him and the feeling was exciting me so much that I was starting to really get into it. I just thought back to what I had liked when I was a man and did what came naturally. He held on to my head and I wrapped my arm around his legs. I was surrendering to my lust, and I started moving my tongue around it with each stroke. I could feel him pushing in and out of my mouth, and I knew he was getting excited. I decided to stop before he got into it too much. I slowly slid him out of my mouth and laid back on the couch again. I slowly spread my legs invitingly and he knew what to do. Again, I heard that voice in my head screaming at me. It was saying that this was wrong in so many ways that it was crazy. It was saying that I was surrendering myself, that I was going too far to ever go back. But I knew that it had been too late for that a long time ago. It had been too late all those months back when I first put on a dress and make up. It has been too late when I learned how to flaunt what I had and when I became offended when a guy ogled me. It was one more step in that process; The final step. And I began to tear up slightly when I felt his bare body on top of mine. I then said a final farewell to my old self when he entered me. He pushed inside of me so fast that I didn't get a chance to prepare. I just felt his penis against my lips and before I knew it, he was slipping past them. He groaned and I yelped, because he felt so large that I felt like I was going to burst from the inside. But he didn't try to push into me all at once. Instead, he only went in a little bit, letting me get used to his size. My breathing slowed down a bit, and I bucked my hips towards his a bit to let him know I was ok. He slid in further, causing me to groan and moan loudly, but I urged him on. He slid in until I felt him at my hymen, and then he took hold of my hand. He looked me deeply in the eyes and I bit softly into my lip. Then he pushed against it hard until I felt it burst, and I screamed out in pain. I felt like I was dying, and I began to tear up a bit. He kissed my cheek and whispered an apology in my ear. When the pain subsided, I began to feel pleasure again and I started pushing against him. I kissed him on the cheek to let him know I was ok, he pushed into me until he was all the way inside. It all felt so wonderful! He began to push in and out of me slowly and I began to meet his thrusts. He was filling me up completely and I was loving every moment of it! I had surrendered to him wholly and I honestly had no regrets. I held on to him as he lifted up my legs a bit. I melted a little more with each thrust, listening to his primal grunts. We started to go faster until we found the perfect rhythm, and I felt an orgasm building inside of me. I started moaning his name with each thrust, and he started pumping harder. I was in pure ecstasy, and I could tell he was getting close to the edge. I moved with him, egging him on, not caring for anything else. At once I felt my orgasm take me over, and my body tensed up. I screamed as I felt myself squeezing his penis and dug my nails into his shoulders. That was all that was needed to send him over the edge. He climaxed inside me, and I felt a warm rush from the inside. I was still moaning from my own orgasm. He laid on top of me, and I held on to him as tightly as I could. Then we kissed each other slowly and lovingly, whispering that we loved each