Test 6: Alice's Adventures In Love And Life free porn video

Thanks to Steve Zink, the prince of editors, and to Mindy and others who asked me to write a sequel to TEST with 'Alice's' new adventures! This story takes place right after Alice has received her proposal. Note: After Steve edited I made some changes in the story so any mistakes are mine. Test 6: Alice's Adventures in Love and Life By Eric PART ONE - Love and Marriage I am now Alice Reynolds. I try not to let it feel strange. Most of the time I succeed. I'm getting married on January tenth to the most wonderful man in the world! A far cry from my earlier dreams when I was George, and only interested in 'easy money', but now I wouldn't trade back for ANYTHING! I'm just so happy. Howard loves me so much. We would only have time for a short honeymoon before he has to go back to college, so we're having as much pre- honeymoon fun as we can. Also, soon I won't be living with Mom! Anyone who has not lived with my mother cannot realize the depth of my feelings. 'Oh well, what does not destroy us makes us stronger!' What a bunch of BS. Thinking of Howard, I find my lips curling into a reminiscing smile. I will go back with him to the university, and I had no trouble getting in, not with Alice's great grades - I mean, my grades. My life is still head spinning confusing at times. Who am I really, George or Alice? I shrug...I am what I am. I was George, and now I'm Alice, but a lot better than the little lying sneaky cowardly soul who used to be in this beautiful body. Now it's my body. My Howard would never have fallen for the original Alice. She was a lying bitch. Carmen wanted my old, that is, George's body, and that's what she got. I guess any spirit inside would do for that hot-blooded Latin. I grin. Howard always says I have the most engaging grin. He is so sweet! I never thought too much about my looks when I was George, as I always was too busy looking for easy money. But now I've heard so many girls remark how lucky Carmen was to have a hunk of a husband - especially since 'George' is now rich. Mom has also made a pile recently. So far I haven't found out exactly how. I'm pretty sure it involved that jerk, Horrible Harry Grissom. God, how the asshole insulted me in my own home after I cooked a wonderful meal for him and his beautiful ballerina wife. She was charming, totally unlike her jerk of a husband. She was so gorgeous I admit to being a little jealous, but later Howard told me that I was prettier, and that naturally made me feel a lot better! Even if I knew it wasn't true. I frown as my brother comes into the room. He grins patronizingly at me, the lying jerk. God, what he put me through when he lied to Mom and told her that the messed up body switch was all my doing, and all my fault! Mom was furious, and really let me have it. It was miserable for a few months, until things calmed down. I smile sweetly at him. The little girl smile that is just as sincere as when he used it in this body. "Well, 'Alice', how do you feel, being a happy bride to be?" I smile still more sweetly at him. "Just go fuck yourself, 'George'. Nothing you can say will make me upset or unhappy." He looks startled at this. "No more, 'My God, where is Madam Olga?' or 'You stole my life!'" I look at him steadily - at the powerful male body I was born into. It is so nice to have contacts now, instead of those horrible glasses the original Alice wore. She had been such an awful coward not to get them. "I'm marrying the most wonderful man in the world. He loves me, and I love him." "How sweet!" he says sarcastically. I ignore the insensitive jerk. "I guess then you will now forget and forgive. How about me being the Best Man at your wedding?" "How about you telling Mom that it was you who got the spell and messed up, and not I? And that you lied to her!" He flushes a deep red, and refuses to meet my steady gaze. "Well..." I bite my lip, trying to keep my temper. Though he now possesses my old, strong male body, the original Alice is still afraid of Mom. "Coward! AND a lying little sneak!" He flushes again under my contempt. "Try and understand. Mom's approval is so important to me. And really, Sis, what good would it do anyone now to tell Mom the truth? Come on, Alice - I sure would like to be Best Man." "Too bad, GEORGE! Just bite me!" He gets red faced with anger, and storms out slamming the door behind him. It's a shame; we once loved each other, even though we didn't always get along. But until he admits the truth to Mom, he is number one is my Book of Sleaze! Speak of the devil. Mom comes in. She takes in the scene in but a single glance. "Really, Alice, I don't understand you. Why are you still on the outs with your brother? He gave you the $20,000." "That was just for keeping my mouth shut. Which I have done. When he tells the truth and confesses, then we will talk about being close again." She shakes her head. "I don't understand why you still insist that your brother was the one who thought of the body exchange and found Madam Olga and not you, and forced the swap on you. Oh, never mind. I can see I'm talking to a stonewall. I know that look all to well, ever since you were little." "I am what I am, Mother. Just as you are what you are." Surprisingly, she grins engagingly. Mom is still very beautiful. "A first class bitch?" I refuse to rise to the bait. "You know, Mom. You're still beautiful. Why don't you get a little plastic surgery and go and find yourself a man to love?" She flushes. I can't believe it! The cold, tough lawyer flushes. I must have hit a secret desire. Interesting. She rallies and regains control. "I'm perfectly happy with my life, Alice. (I grunt) Now, dear, it is not attractive or ladylike to grunt like that; you sound like a seal begging for a fish. I truly am happy with my life." I smile disbelieving and say, "Of course you are." "Well, I am! So wipe that smirk off your face, young lady." We glare at each other. Fortunately, the doorbell chimes. Mom smiles brightly. "That must be Howard's mother." She gratefully changes the subject. Mom then looks at me critically. "Alice, you look more beautiful every day! Being in love suits you." I smile, thinking of Howard. Mrs. Jones comes in and kisses me warmly. We get along so well, and really do like each other. She says I am the best thing that ever happened to her son, and she knows I will make him happy. Then she turns and coolly shakes hands with Mom. The two don't like each other very much, and are also playing games about who will pay for the wedding - both want to. One-upmanship lives! Not that I blame Howard's mother for not liking mine. I don't think anyone likes Mom, except my brother and I. Poor woman. She can't be very happy. We have the usual nothing chit chat that we women feel obligated to have. At times like these, I miss being a man. Why can't we just do what we planned, without wasting time on something none of us want to do? I guess women are not as direct as men. I suppose it's not encouraged. We're going shopping for my wedding gown. I will be lucky to have any input at all! I smile and slide gracefully into Mrs. Jones's Mercedes. Sitting back, I ignore my Mom and Mrs. Jones' insincere chatter about how much they like each other. I think once again that Howard and I have become the victims of sinister forces! Everything about the wedding, the hall, the church, the caterers are already so well organized that I more than suspect my mother and Mrs. Jones MUST have had everything all set up and ready to go long before a nervous Howard got up enough nerve to propose. He was so cute being so nervous, even stuttering when he asked me! I sigh, remembering. I let Mom and Mrs. Jones fight it out! It's such fun to stir the pot, agreeing first with one and then the other. I love seeing Mom not getting her own way. I know I infuriate her by agreeing with Howard's mother finally on the choice of gowns. Besides, I think it makes me look sexier than the one my mother liked. Then I pick out the sexiest negligees and panties for my honeymoon. We're going to Hawaii. As usual Mom goes back to her office. Thank God I don't go there anymore! Talk about being in hell - or at least purgatory! I still can't believe she hoped to make me a lawyer like herself. I shudder. Well I am well out of it and my bank balance is sure fatter. The Jerk George did pay me the 20,000 for my silence. He sure didn't want his wife Carmen to hear that he had once been Alice. Besides, the lying jerk owed me that much and more for stealing my body and my life and leaving me stuck at home as Alice. To make it worse he lied to Mom about who thought of the trade and bought the spell from Madam Olga. 'Easy money' my sibling had promised- like hell! What Mom put me through the first few months I wouldn't wish on anyone! Amazingly Mom has also and without any argument gave me the 20,000 she promised. That is a pleasant surprise. I thought she would use the fact of me quitting to get married and not working the whole year as a technicality to weasel out of her promise. Being a first class lawyer she is terrific at opening every crack with a can opener. So here I am with forty thousand dollars added to the money I saved from my salary as Mom's slave. I drive to the home for battered women and kids. The worn face of the overworked housemother lights up when she sees me and I am greeted with a warm hug. It makes me feel good. Mom never has been much of a hugger. I take a deep breath. It hurts to part with money. "Mrs. Jasper, here's a check for ten thousand dollars as a belated Christmas present for the home." She gasps and stares at it. "Alice, can you afford it? You already gave us 1500 at Christmas. I know your Mom doesn't pay you very much." "All too true" I say laughing. "But let's just say I got an unexpected X-mass bonus." She starts crying. "I don't know what we would do without you. You're always coming and bringing toy and treats for the kids and taking them out on fun outings. You remind me so much of your brother! Of course being a man he couldn't cook." "Men are so helpless" I agree and my lips curl into an ironic smile. Unsurprisingly no one guesses I was once George. I fine myself crying, too. I say hello to all the kids. "Cakes in the kitchen " I say as they open their mouths to ask. There is a mad dash kitchen ward. "They didn't even thank you!" says Mrs. Jasper shaking her head ruefully. "Their smiles are thanks enough." One kid didn't go. It's a sad case. He's only fourteen years old and will never walk again. His own father did that to him when the boy tried to stop him from beating his mother. And to add icing to their cake the father could not be punished - he is a diplomat and can't be touched! The world can really suck. "Yes, Alex?" I say making sure I smile at the boy I hope I keep the pity out of it. He hates it when people treat him like a cripple. He used to be a very good athlete. "Alice, I want to thank you - my mother and I really appreciate the trouble you want through to keep my father from getting us back." "Glad to help." I had asked my future father in law for help and he was very indignant about what they went through and how they might be legally forced to return to the monster who broke his own son's spine and regularly smashed the face of his wife. His mother Meena came rushing in. Her face was white and she was shaking all over. She had once been a beauty, but now - well let's just say plastic surgery can only do so much. Her loving husband had really done a job on her. "Alice! Mrs. Jasper! Some people from my husband say we have to go with them!" cried Meena, his mother. The boy got white faced with fear and anger. Coming behind Meena was a man and woman with confident - even arrogant smiles. The woman was tall, with midnight hair and very striking and exotic. She walks like a cat graceful and ready to claw. The man was almost TOO handsome. Immediately I could tell he thought he was God's gift to the world - especially the female half. "These two say they have papers from the court's that say we have to go back to my husband!" She made 'husband' sound like a curse. "That's right, Mrs. Jasper. So hand them over and perhaps Mr. Zahran will not sue you for alienation of affection!" he said and roared with laughter. "Let me see, your court order." I say, holding out my hands. The intruder stares appreciatively at me making me feel like I have no clothes on. The woman sizes me up. "Show the undersized American play thing our order, Admed." I smile at her and her sexy outfit. "My, I am surprised how you are dressed. I thought your government wanted women swathed in some sort of garment that made women resemble hay stacks." She flushes, but says nothing. I add, "Is this for modesty sake or just to control women and make them feel powerless?" "Western women look like sluts!" she said. "Often we do, it's a major mistake. But it is OUR mistake, our lives are not controlled by a bunch of crabby old men who beat us, not allow us to work, deny us medical treatment or even drive cars. I've studied Islam and I think the prophet would be horrified at what your government is doing. Did he not have his wife as his chief advisor?" They do not answer. The man looks bored, the woman angry. I turn back to the papers. I haven't spent six horrible months in a law office for nothing. Carefully I read the court order. It seems our courageous, caring state department has over ruled the state courts. AH HA! There is a chance. My Mom must have taught me more than I ever wanted to learn. I smile my sweet smile at them. "This order says it takes effect at noon today eastern time." "So, is it not noon? Unless the sun lies," the man pointed melodramatically at the sky. "Well, my mental giants, there are time zones in the US. Noon in Washington is not noon here." They look confused. Good. "You have to wait another three hours as there is a three hour gap between our time and Washington's. Its not until three PM until your order becomes valid." They hesitate. I reach for my cell phone. "I am calling the police and the papers. I don't think your very 'forgiving' patron would be pleased if you invalided the order by being early and getting more unfavorable publicity for him and your country." They look confused. Good. For once thank God for the confusion of out legal system. Mom has made a pile off it. She SAYS she'll remember me in her will! Herman, the handy man, a kindly ex football player comes up and says, "Out!" The man flinches but the female throws poor Herman across the room with a marshal arts flip. "Come, Admed, we will check this out." She stares daggers at me. I admit I'm frightened, but stare back. She breaks it off. She turns to the covering mother and says, "Don't try to leave. We will be watching." After they leave Mrs. Jasper falls on my breast laughing and crying. "Alice you're too much, Washington is three hours AHEAD of us! But what are we going to do? They'll be back soon." "I would rather die than have my husband have me or my son back!" said Meena looking like a ghost. I get on the phone and call M. Calvert and then Dad Jones. Soon the catering van from the restaurant pulls up. French drivers do not dawdle! Meena dressed in a man's work coverall climbs inside and we take the son out in a big box and load his wheel chair hidden in another. "Where am I going?" Asked Pierre the driver. I rapidly tell him in French. He is to drive them to Dad Jones's winery. They are to hide there until we can find a more secure and safe place for them. Their gratitude to me is just overwhelming I feel embarrassed. They have hardly left when the flunkies come busting in, furious. "You lied to us! California is three hours ahead! The order is valid!" "So sorry, I guess I am just a dumb California blond?" I say sweetly and smile. The jerk can't take his eyes off me. His partner notices and jabs him in the ribs. She looks disbelievingly at me but controls herself, as there are lots of witnesses including some press I called in. "We'll take them now back to our patron, the boy's father and her loving husband. Where are they?" We spread out hands. "Not here, I think they went jogging," I say acting helpless. "A boy in a wheelchair and a woman with bad knees?" she snorted. "How did they get such injures?" asked a reporter. "Car accident." Said the man briefly and with a crocodile smile. "Look all you want, they're not here." said Mrs. Jasper. Spitting mad, they search. The woman looks likes she would like to kill me. The man looks like he would like to rape me. Despite myself I am a little frightened, but I don't regret it. "This is not the end of this." The young woman looks at me with hate filled eyes "I won't forget you - you blond bitch!" It was too crazy. I had to laugh. She was confusing me with my mother! Of course me laughing made her madder still and her large male partner had to restrain her. I use her behavior and the presence of the press to explain what the situation was. The next day it made the papers and I receive a pained phone call from the State Department explaining how we had embarrassed them. I told them to shove it. Outraged, they insisted on talking to my mother. I feel like a kid at school and giggle as I hand the phone over. Mother blisters them good. The bland, snotty bureaucrat on the other end probably will never recover. For once I am proud of Mom. I kiss her goodbye with honest enthusiasm. I need to get ready for my wedding to come. The time is drawing close. Both my mother and Mrs. Jones had a list of bridesmaids as long as politician's speech that I need to cut down to a manageable size. My mind wonders and I start thinking of all that has happened to me since my sister found Madam Olga and then bribed me to switch bodies to take her geology test. Then we couldn't switch back! What a wild ride. Well all's well that ends well. I am going to marry the most wonderful man in the world. Nothing can go wrong. The doorbell rings. Absently I open it. My eyes grow wide. Outside is the ugliest old woman I've ever seen! "Madam Olga?" I gasp. She puffs some foul spelling cigar smoke and nods. "I see smoke bothers you, George turned Alice." She drops it and grinds it out with a battered old shoe. "Do you want to come in?" I ask. She nods again and limps in. I get her some brandy and then blurt out. "I don't want to go back anymore!" She smiles a crooked smile. "I know, child, I know. Madam Olga sees almost all. I admire you very much, Now Alice." "You do?" She nods again. "Not only you be a caring person with much courage you also have much strength of will. It be very difficult for soul not to be absorbed by body. Though you now happy to be girl, you are not like original Alice. She be more like your mother. You not much like mother at all. You be generous and kind." I never expected such a moment. I didn't know what to do. I stare at my hands, thinking. "You know I sometimes see future, Now Alice?" I gulp and nod. She reaches into a huge old, cracked leather purse and came out with two small, dusty bottles. "Keep these safe. I foresee you needing them. They switch bodies between who ever drink them. They be good for one couple per body." "You don't mean I will switch bodies with someone? I love my Howard so much -" "No!" her head shakes impatiently. "You will know when the times comes to use them. Trust Madam Olga, child. Also be careful, you be followed and shelter's phone be tapped." Great! More problems. "Why me? Why is it always me?" Madam Olga laughed. "Some people be loadstone. Draw strangeness to them. I fear it always be so for you. Take bottles keep them safe." Gingerly I take them. MY GOD, what power dwells in these two innocent looking glass jars! I reach for my checkbook. "How much do I owe you?" She smiles. "I knew you be generous and fair - not like your wicked mother who cheats poor old ladies. She would have argued." "What do you mean?" I ask, dying of curiosity. Did Mom ever meet her? I wouldn't put it past her to keep it quiet and lie about it. "Never mind! Just pay my expenses to come here - $313.16. You already pay Madam Olga back by being generous - especially to poor children. Now don't tell mother I was here. It be very important. She will try and take potions away from you for 'your own good'." "That sounds like Mom." I say bitterly. I have a sudden thought. "Why didn't my sibling and I switch back? Alice - I mean - George said there was a page missing." She paused. "I not be sure. Perhaps I did forget page. Madam Olga far from perfect. Perhaps Now George unconsciously want to stay George as he be in lust with Carman. He may have 'accidentally' forgot page. When I be involved cannot see." More mysteries. I wonder and will probably never know. "What about the mayor, the hooker, his wife and the body guard?" I can't help but smile. Madam Olga looks very sly. "It be irresistible to leave things way they were. Whore not be as big a whore as mayor." I laugh. God, what a time I had then. Thank God for Howard. He loves me so much. I fish around and give her $116.16 in cash and a check for the rest. A battered old pick up with a camper has been waiting for her and she hobbles to it. Madam Olga turns. "Your mother be very lucky woman to have you for daughter. You be wonderful young woman. I also see many fine children to come." I blush and she cackles. Then she looks sad. "Almost all my blood murdered by the monster in the east and the Monster in the west in war. Now I have only one living relative and grand niece be worthless." She shakes her old head and climbs stiffly in and the truck pulls away with a cloud of smoke. It will never pass any emission standards! Years ago I made a hiding place - it is a floorboard that I could lift up. I put the jars in its cavity. I have used it since I was a kid to keep things away from Mom that I didn't want her to know about. She always snooped in our rooms! I spend the day wondering what was to come. It is scary as hell! Why will I need the potions? I giggle as I had a vision of using them on Mom or George and Carmen! My cell phone rings. "It's Meena, Alex and I made it safely!" comes a breathless voice. That's a relief. I warn them not to leave the grounds. "Also, don't call the shelter!" "Why?" "The phone might be taped." I hear a short intake of breath. "The pig just might do that! Alice, I am so grateful to you and Mr. Jones! Praise be to Allah that there are good people in this world." Her praise both embarrasses me and makes me feel good. "I'll come up when I can, but I have to make sure I am not followed." *** It's a tough week, I think I am being followed and I hire a Private Eye firm to help me lose them. I drive up the winery and make sure they are okay. They love it there and are so grateful! As a cover I bring back wines for the restaurant and the Jones family use as well as some for my mother and me. Just in case they find out I've been here. Later, I make a visit to the shelter. The kids scream with joy and help carry the boxes of treats into the house. Mrs. Jasper, the director, greets me with a warm smile. "Alice, your visits are the highlight of their lives. Thank you so much." Then she turns and faces the youngsters. "Don't we, kids?" "You bet!" say the grimy kids with their mouths full of my cookies and cakes! A cute little boy with grapes in his teeth and freckles says, "Alice, when are we going to see our friend, you know, your brother George again?" The question makes me feel weird. "Not soon, Tommy - he's in Brazil. Remember, he did stop by with Christmas presents." I had to do a real guilt trip on my brother to get him to come. He felt funny coming, as he had never been here before, and everybody knew 'George'. With a little coaching from me, he did okay. I had to pay for the presents he bought. George was turning out to be as cheap as mother - not surprising, as 'he' had always modeled himself after her. I have also spent time training some of the women in secretarial skills. I convinced Mom to hire Betty, one of the mothers, as part-time office help at the firm. I also was able to place some of the others in restaurants. It was amazing what a job can do to a person's self respect. I found out the hard way if you don't respect yourself, no one will respect you. Listen to me! I can't believe it. I'm being wise in my old age - all of eighteen (at least in this body)! My head swims. I pull myself back and play with the children, and talk upbeat to their moms. How can some men regularly hit women? When I was George I never did it - though Mom sorely tempted me from time to time! Of course some do more than hit - witness poor Meena and Alex. Mrs. Jasper asks me how they are. "They're okay. I've visited them, but of course they're worried. Any further ideas on a more permanent solution?" She shakes her head. "Mexico is too corrupt - even worse than us. Most countries are not suitable as they are very patriarchal. Besides, how would they live? They couldn't get a work visa. Any luck getting the order reversed?" I shook my head. "They are about the 2 billion and one victims of the curse of humanity - political expediency. They'll have to stay where they are for now. Dad Jones says Meena is so grateful and such a hard worker that his cottage has never been so clean. She insists on doing what she can. Of course they have to keep out of sight and its like being in prison, as they can't leave the grounds. But they do love the beautiful setting." She shakes her head sadly. "Where will it all end?" I need Madam Olga for that answer. If even she knows! *** I'm getting ready for my New Year's Eve date with Howard. I'm wearing the golden evening dress I wore on our first date. I feel so beautiful and sexy. As I'm putting on my makeup, Mom comes in and smiles. I can see it in her eyes - she's up to something. AMANDA REYNOLDS Alice is so intelligent. I'm so proud of her. But I would die before I would tell her. She has turned into such a wonderful young woman. She's about the only person who's not afraid of me, and is so clever the way she can manipulate situations without any sign she is doing so. She dresses extremely well, much better than the original Alice. And can she ever cook! All the other mothers I know are green with envy! How, they ask, did you raise such a perfect daughter? If only they knew, they would, as my 'worthy' EX used to say, shit a brick. The phone rings. It's Harry Grissom, my biggest client. How the world has turned upside down! He's more successful in business than ever. I have to keep from laughing. Life is just so crazy! "Amanda, I need a favor." Naturally, the bastard would never call me for pleasure. His wife Diana makes sure of that! Does she ever have him wrapped around her gorgeous dancer's legs! I listen with growing astonishment. "I'll do what I can, and let you know. It's a little awkward." "Don't I know it! I... I mean, the original Harry was so rude! But promise Alice that I will be on my best behavior!" "Very well." I ring off, and I sit back in my chair to think about the amusing situation that has arisen. The Grissoms have asked me to have Alice cook an important dinner for them. I know Lord and Lady St. Clair are coming to America to talk business, and the Grissoms want to show them that Americans can be more hospitable and far more intimate and friendly than the English. Alice is the best cook they know, and they have asked her to prepare a 'family' meal for them. I think it will be hilarious! Also, it could be very profitable for me. If the deal goes through, I will make about $200,000. I'm invited, as is Howard and my escort. Where will I find a date that won't embarrass me? I certainly don't want to bring another lawyer. Maybe Alice can fix me up? "Alice, dear, I would like a big favor from you." I can see it in her eyes. 'I wonder what's coming?' "Yes?" she says neutrally. "I want you to cook a special meal for the Grissoms." "WHAT? That jerk!" "I know, dear, Mr. Grissom was very rude and vulgar last time. Believe me, he's a changed man now!" I smother a giggle. I can't believe it - a giggle from me. Harry certainly is a changed man, as is his wife. They have swapped bodies and lives, and no one guesses! NO ONE GUESSES! I can't believe it! Harry is now Diana, and as happy as Clinton in a Sorority with her ballet dancing, and Diana is now so smug and self satisfied as the very powerful, and super rich entrepreneur Harry Grissom. "His wife has changed him." I smother another laugh. Alice still looks skeptical. "They're having an English lord and lady over on important business, and would love to show them how Americans can cook - the food in their London mansion is so bland and dull. You may remember me going over there last summer?" Alice nods her beautiful blonde head. "Sure do. That's when you made a lot of money, and were thinking of retiring." I nod back, smiling. There's a pregnant silence. "Well, what's the bribe or threat? I won't pay for your dress - or, I'll pay you five hundred dollars to do it?" I find myself smiling. Alice is so suspicious of me! I wonder why? "No, dear, I'm just asking it as a favor to me." She looks thoughtful, and then laughs ruefully. "Damn! I was hoping you were going to try and make me do it! Then I would have been able to tell you NO. Okay, I'll do it. I'll pick the wines and menu with M. Calvert's help. I don't want the Grissoms butting in - especially Horrible Harry. If he makes another pass at me I'll brain him with a meat cleaver." I laugh. The picture of my 5'4" 110 pound daughter braining a 220 6'4" man is an amusing one. "Done." "I'll see if I can hire someone from the restaurant to help in the kitchen for that night. Who pays for the food, wine and everything?" Alice is very clever with money I think, admiring. "The Grissoms, of course." I stumble a little. Get it over with. "Alice?" She looks at me questioningly. "I was wondering if you know someone presentable who could be my date?" ALICE I choke back a laugh. I could easily say something cutting, but I find as much as I hate many of the things she has done to me over the years, I can't do it. She is still my mother. Besides, it would be like shooting a sitting duck. Whatever that means. "Let me think about it. I know some customers from the restaurant who might be possibilities." Mom nods her head, and quickly leaves while she's ahead. It's so funny to see Miss Ice Water Veins as nervous as a high school girl. Howard comes in, and gives me a satisfactory kiss. I never knew being in love would be so wonderful. I could float right up to the ceiling. He frowns when I tell him about the Grissoms. "That jerk! I still don't understand why you stopped me from punching him." "Howard, you are a very strong, and very sexy man -" He flushes, pleased. "BUT - he outweighs you by forty pounds, has a longer reach, and is known for punching people out." I touch his cute face lovingly. "I didn't want to see this handsome face that I love damaged. You need to think of my feelings; not of your desire to lie in the hospital weltering in your life's blood," I say teasingly, and then kiss him. He laughs. "God, Alice, you are so charming!" I want to keep him in a good mood, so I press my sexy body up against him. "You're sweet, and smart to say so." He laughs again, and I put up my mouth to be kissed. Our evening together is wonderful! Absolutely fabulous! I never dreamed that being in love would so heavenly! We dance till midnight. Later we have a room at the Adam's Mark for our real celebrating. I never would have believed it before, but sex as a woman - at least a woman in love - is even better than sex was as a man. My entire body just glows when he touches me. I turn him on so much he's almost instantly hard. I know I am already wet and ready! We fit so well together. Life is wonderful! I am drowned in an ocean of emotions. What a year this has been. I start off a strong young man looking for easy money, and end up a beautiful girl in love and getting married. I wonder if anyone ever had a stranger time, I think, as Howard falls asleep with me in his arms. AMANDA The phone is ringing in my office. It's my private number. I hear a voice sounding like a damaged old record. "Hello, rich lawyer lady." Damn it! It's Madam Olga! That's all I need at this point. I knew everything was going too well! "Hello, Madam Olga," I answer cautiously. "How did you get this private number?" "Even after all the proof, lying lawyer lady, you still doubt that Madam Olga knows all - well, almost all?" "What do you want?" I ask cautiously. No sense antagonizing her. She might come in handy again to make me another fortune. "I see in my minds eye that our new Alice is marrying handsome young man. I would like to be at wedding." Now what? I have to think fast. "Do you really want to upset the new Alice? I thought you liked her." "I do. I think she be very brave and charming - not like her lying mother." As always, I ignore the jibes. I'm used to them. You can't be a successful attorney without people calling you names. "But you coming to the wedding would upset her. Believe me - you know it, as well. It would remind her of who she had been. Remembering she had been a man once would hardly add to the honeymoon." Long pause. I hold my breath. Then I add, "How about if I tape the wedding and send you the video?" "And what is Madam Olga going to play it on?" "Your TV." "You notice TV in my tent, Amanda?" "Tell you what, I'll buy and send you a portable TV and video player." Pause. "Very well, be sure and get some shots of new 'George' and his reactions. Also, I wish some movies. My favorite be Errol Flynn's! What a hunk!" "At your age, you drool over guys? You should be ashamed of yourself, Madam Olga," I say, laughing. "Never too old to look and dream. At least I not waste youth and beauty the way you do, lying lawyer who cheat poor old lady." I find myself flushing, that thrust hit close to home. I don't have a man. The last time I got laid was months ago, in England. I change the subject. "Funny about Alice, she still be - I mean, is stubborn. (God, what if Madam Olga's language was catching!) She still claims the former Alice was the one who met you and forced the switch! Can you imagine trying to pull the wool over my eyes? As if a mother can't tell when one of her kids is lying!" Madam Olga chucked. "No, I imagine it need Golden Fleece to pull the wool over your eyes! You be too smart to trick or fool." I smile. Madam Olga is right for once. I find out what town to send her packages to. I think I'll keep my promise and do so. She could make major trouble for me. ALICE The infighting over the wedding is getting viscous. I'm now up to ten bridesmaids. I hold firm on Nancy being Matron of Honor, not my odious, stuck up cousin who hates me because I'm prettier than her. My mother wanted her biggest client, Mr. Grissom, to give me away, but no way. I've asked M. Calvert. He was delighted. I wonder where Dad is. Mom SAYS she tried to find him. Yeah - just like she tried to find Madam Olga. Oh well, that turned out for the best. I couldn't be happier. I grin to see George sulk. The shit so wants to be best man. But Howard's college roommate Jack has that honor. He's reasonably good looking and has good manners, but the guy is TOO smooth, and I don't like the way he looks at me. Alarms bells are ring off the hook. He will need watching. Our wedding is of course THE social event of the LA season. I hate it, but it's important to our folks and they are footing the bill. The Jones' are very well connected, as is Mom's side of the family. My Dad's side - well, Mom says the only thing they are connected to is a policeman's handcuffs. I can always get her angry and flustered by asking, "Why did you marry him, then?" The Governor used to be Mr. Jones' college roommate at Stanford. That's where my Howard goes. Anyway, the governor is coming. Sometimes I feel like a fucking trophy the way both Mom and the Jones' are using my wedding for business and social reasons and prestige. With difficulty, I keep my mouth shut. One thing I've learned being Alice is that it's a lot better to keep quiet instead of spending your life with fruitless argument. Later I need to talk to Howard. I hope he isn't going to be mad. I call him over, and look earnestly up into his warm and loving eyes. "Howard, PLEASE don't have a bachelor party." He frowns, and then smiles. He is so cute! I could eat him up! "Why not?" "It would make me unhappy. I would worry about what could happen to you." He laughs, "Don't worry - I already told the guys I didn't want and wouldn't go to any. Its a great way to have a car wreck, being too drunk, or to get VD or AIDS if you're really both stupid and drunk." I kiss him. "You're so smart!" He takes me in his arms. "How about a reward?" I look coy. "What kind of reward?" I ask innocently. That leads to a very satisfactory afternoon. Very satisfactory! *** Why did I agree to the dinner? Ego? To please Mom? Curiosity? Well, I have the menu and wines all set. Mom for some reason seems very amused going to the dinner. A good customer, Mr. David Stone, has agreed to be my mother's date. I warned him about her, but he said as a big game hunter he is used to dealing with dangerous wild animals. A date with Mom might well fit that description. We are having Chat Latour 59 with the entree. "I would walk through coals for that wine and a meal prepared by yourself!" he says. I kiss his cheek and he flushes, very pleased. I take a deep breath at the front door of the Grissom mansion. A flustered maid finally opens it. She can barely speak English. My Spanish is very good. It seems no one knows where the butler is. Then I stifle a pang of jealousy when Diana flows like a dream down the stairs. She is wearing the most gorgeous outfit! It must have cost thousands. God, she is so beautiful, and her smile lights up the huge hall. She is so happy. I don't remember ever seeing her smile with much more than politeness at the dinner at our house. I could understand it as her husband kept embarrassing her, and she would shoot angry glances at him. Why the sudden change, I wonder? "Alice, thank you for doing this! It's so good of you. I only had the faintest hope when Harry asked your mother! I knew how rude (she paused) he had been to you that night." She flushes, embarrassed. Her liquid voice still has the same charming upper class English accent. God, she is glowing! Without a doubt, this world famous ballerina is one of the most beautiful women in the world! I sigh - I wish my tits were larger. I'm only a B cup. Whenever I'm insecure about them, Howard smiles lovingly, kisses me and says - 'they're prefect!' He is SO SWEET! Diana takes my hands and smiles nervously. Impulsively, I hug her. It seems to mean a lot to her, I feel. The kitchen needs organizing, big time. I can't believe they could produce even ham and eggs here. The two of us go to work with her servants. Surprisingly, Diana knows nothing about cooking! With her permission, I fire three servants on the spot. From the training M. Calvert gave me, I can recognize hopeless cases that have only padded accounts and steal. I call up the employment agency we used at the restaurant, and get some decent help for them. I make sure that cheap ass Grissom pays them good wages - its only fair. I also get a job for a battered mother I know, and Diana is very kind and gracious, saying that she and her two children will live in the house. She is so unlike her uncouth husband! How they stay married is beyond me! Soon I had things organized enough that the dinner had a chance of working. Diana smiles nervously. "I'm taking notes! You're so efficient! I'm so envious! I guess I'm so obsessed with my dancing I've neglected my other duties." I smile, thinking, 'From the way you're glowing, I doubt you've neglected sex!' I push aside the catty thought. Diana is being super nice. Just because she's more beautiful than me is no good reason to dislike her. It is hard, though, as I'm so used to being the most attractive woman in any setting. Even Mom says I have far more sense of style and carry myself better than the original Alice. I think it embarrasses her in a way. "This dinner is very important to my husband and myself - it's more than the money." I gasp, as she goes on to tell me how Lord St. Clair had tried to prostitute her for the oil deal. WOW! I make us lunch as we talk about how to handle matters. She takes a bite of my lobster salad with paprika, and smiles. "My God, this is absolutely wonderful!" I flush a little. She is so nice - not like her husband. Speak of the devil. The door opens, and in walks Horrible Harry. First his eyes go to his wife, and she springs out of her chair with incredible grace and rushes to kiss him. I'm a little green. Maybe I should take ballet lessons, if they teach you to move like that! Then he looks me up and down. I see he hasn't change all THAT much - the letch. Then he kisses his wife passionately, and she giggles like a schoolgirl. God, I don't remember them being so in love! With his arm still around Diana, Harry comes forward and smiles. I must admit he is VERY handsome, and glows with virility. "Alice thanks for doing this! It's fuckin' good of you to forgive me! I promise to be on my best behavior." He sits down (without an invitation - typical of a man) and starts wolfing it down. I'm glad I made plenty! "Alice, this is fuckin' great!" "Thank you," I say, smiling. "You see, we can't hope to compete with Lord St. Clair and his wife as far as servants or polish go; generations of English tradition have give them such a mystic edge. I could have hired a catering company to do the dinner, but that would have been copping out. I want to show them American friendliness, and our casual lack of class distinction - our intimacy - not cold formality. You, the eighteen-year-old daughter of a friend, will cook the dinner. They would not nor could not do that in England!" He smiles charmingly again. Harry is sexy; I have to admit that. I glance at Diana, and get a flash of intuition that she doesn't like my mother (Who does? Poor Mom!) She doesn't interrupt her husband. I don't think she ever did interrupt him. God, has she changed. She didn't used to be so outwardly submissive. But I bet she has ways of getting her way. He can't keep his hands off her! The sexual appetites of both of them for each other are greater than any I've ever seen. Even George and Carmen weren't this hot for each other's bods! I don't think my brother and his wife had much going for them but sex - unlike Howard and myself. We like, and respect as well as love each other. We finalize the arrangements. As I get up to go, I sense that Horrible Harry would like to hug me, but his wife holds on too tight. She kisses him. "Remember, behave yourself!" she says, very much the upper class Englishwoman! "Diana, I was just trying to be friendly!" he says, wheedling. We both look skeptical, but say nothing. Later, I'm thinking - how did I let Mom talk me into this? But I know the answer. I wanted her to be proud of me. I admit it. It's hard that I still wish it, but I do. Also, I enjoy showing off - cooking dinner for an English Lord and Lady - I could dine out on it for years! *** Nancy is agog. She is disappointed that she can't come. We talk over her marriage to Steve. College has cut into their sex life, and she is unhappy about it. "Mom says get used to it!" she's complained. "That marriage is not dating." I vow that I'm never going to stop being the girlfriend as well as the wife. "Thanks for letting me pick out my own dress for the wedding! You're a real friend! Most brides want to dress their maids or matrons of honor like dweebs so they look better by contrast." Then she giggles. "It's so freaky that I'm now a matron. It was just a few months ago that we sat side-by-side making up as we graduated from high school. Mom and Dad wanted Steve and I to wait until after college to get married. No way, Jose! I wasn't taking any chances of him being trapped by any girl but me!" "Good for you! Parents need to know their place!" I laugh back. She embraces me. It is so good to have a best friend! I didn't have one before! *** Well, January 7. It's the night of the dinner. I am so nervous. Why did I do it? I knew everything would go wrong. I just knew it. Well, lucky seven, I think sourly. 'Why did I let myself be talked into this fucking dinner?' I ask not for the first nor last time. I have a new evening gown for the occasion - that's something. I grin, thinking of our shopping spree. Both Mom and Diana wanted one as well. It was an interesting shopping trip, as Diana came with us. I was right; those two don't like each other at all! I wonder if Mom did something 'naughty' with Horrible Harry. 'Shocking, absolutely shocking!' I think with a grin. Anyway, Diana had ordered a fabulous new dress, and does she ever look gorgeous in it, I think with a pang. Well, anyway, I am a LOT younger. My dress is great, as well. Diana insisted on paying for it. It set Horrible Harry back $1000. Diana didn't buy Mom's dress. I snicker under my breath. I take the dress over to Diana's. The sauce I started two days ago is still simmering on the stove. With help from my friend from the shelter I tended it, adding more stock and wine from time to time. It's magnificent, if I do say so myself! It's almost as rich as Horrible Harry! I start the desert, a dazzling chocolate cake that Craig Clairborne and M. Calvert had worked out some years ago. I instruct Miguel from the restaurant on what to do in final preparation, and then rush up to dress. Howard is due any moment, and I want to look my best for him. Diana is so sweet; she has given me my own room. How she can stand her husband is a mystery. When we first met, I was sure they were headed for a divorce! Then, after getting back from England, she seemed to change. I noticed it right after the dance recital Mom dragged me to. Diana danced Swan Lake. I hadn't wanted to go, but I was glad I did - Diana was magnificent! Maybe dancing again turned their marriage around. I've noticed her husband was much nicer to her, and not so crude. I am introduced to Lord and Lady St. Clair. Talk about aristocratic assurance, they could sell it! I notice Lady St. Clair shooting Diana some strange looks. She is very homely, but seems very nice and very charming. They are polite, but amazed that I'm preparing the meal. "My wife hardly knows the kitchen from the billiard room," says Lord St. Clair. She smiles politely. "Of course I do - who do you think deals with the staff and our temperamental cook! Now, if you mean I can't cook...you're correct - it's the curse of our class. We can do nothing useful." She turns toward me. "You're very pretty, Miss Reynolds. It's quite a pleasure meeting you. You also are a trained chief, taught - I understand - by the famous M. Calvert. Hardly anyone will credit my tale, as the experience of the world teaches that the more lovely the girl, the worse the cook!" I laugh. I 'quite' like her. Her husband seems cold. Howard shows up and is introduced. I'm proud that he handles himself well. I excuse myself to see to the final preparations for dinner. I catch a look of intense competition between Horrible Harry and Lord St. Clair. When I rejoin the party, Mom and her poor date have arrived. He is well known in English social circles, and has taken one of the Royals on safari. Wisely, Mom is saying little. I wish Harry would do the same. He is boasting about some business deal, and struggles not to use his favorite word - 'Fuck'. Still, he's far better behaved than he was at my dinner party. His wife smoothly comes to his rescue. She takes his arm and dazzles the party with a smile, and talks about great dancers of the past. It's a shame more of her charm hasn't rubbed off on Horrible Harry! But the man does extrude strength and raw power and sexuality. What a virile brute! Still, give me a nice, kind hearted, intelligent, sweet and loving guy like my Howard any time! I get into a conversation with Lord St. Clair. I can tell he is stunned by my knowledge of history. I pop in and out of the kitchen. Then comes the proof of the pudding. The food! The meal is well served by the help I've trained. As the guests eat, everyone's face lights up. "Great!" says Horrible Harry. Through full mouths, everyone mutters enthusiastic agreement. The meal is a tremendous success, and I frankly bask in the applause. Lady St. Clair smiles, and says, "Please consider moving to London. I would be happy to adopt you!" I glance at Mom. "A tempting offer!" I laugh. Mom looks torn between pride and annoyance. Then Lord St. Clair gets up and says smoothly, "As you know, we were lured here by a promise of a private recital by our Hostess - the incomparable Diana Darcy. Excuse me for using her professional name." I don't think Horrible Harry is pleased with this, but he controls his temper. Diana smiles a million kilowatt smile, then gets up gracefully. It's obvious she loves to perform. Well, if I had her talent, I guess I would, too. "I'll go change." A few minutes later she returns, and all our jaws drop. I think Mom is turning green with envy. Even I feel a little twinge, and I think Lord St. Clair looks like his heart is standing still. Diana is dressed incredibly sexy; her magnificent dancer's legs are encased in sexy hose, and she's wearing high heels - not toe shoes. She has a handsome young man as a partner. "Diana will dance to the great Cole Porter song, 'I've Got Your Under My Skin'!" says Horrible Harry, beaming with pride at his incredibly beautiful wife. Diana is drop dead gorgeous and sexy in her costume and she is dancing with soul stirring talent. She is unforgettable! Even I, who prefers rock, can recognize a great tune. God, can Diana dance! She is grace itself - Hell, SEX itself - it's the most erotic, sensual dance I've ever seen - amazing, they didn't even kiss. It's in the dance itself, and the way Diana moves. How can anyone human move like that? I glance at Lord St. Clair. The man has his aristocratic tongue hanging out. "Fuck, she is GREAT!" says Harry without thinking. I was wondering when he was going to lose it. AMANDA This is Deja Vu all over again! 'Diana' dancing for the Lord and Lady St. Clair. The peer is looking at her like Adam must have looked at the Garden of Eden after being driven out by an angel with a flaming sword. Paradise lost. What a great evening. I have a date! My daughter just cooked a masterpiece of a meal. The best anyone has ever eaten, everyone says. She blushes so prettily - obviously ready to burst with pleasure. I'm so proud of her. Now I'm watching Diana dancing a masterpiece. She's so beautiful and sexy - no wonder she stole Harry back so easily! Harry leads the applause. The servants have also sneaked in to watch. "The dance was magnificent. I will never forget this evening as long as I live! Who did the choreography?" asks Lady St. Clair; I can tell she is stunned. "Diana did, herself! She is so fuckin' talented. OOPS, excuse me! I need to watch my language!" answered Harry. He kissed a glowing Diana proudly. My daughter whispers in my ear, "That's definite - I am taking dance lessons!" I just laugh! Earlier, George would have walked over coals to avoid dance lessons, and now as Alice she wants them. Go figure. The wedding is in three days. Everything is set. Now, both my kids will be married. Of course, they are now each other, but they seem to be doing much better being each than they did as themselves. Again - go figure! Harry takes me aside and says, "See, I told you she would be happy as me. And believe me, I am the best fucking husband a man could be! I'm doing my best to make it up to her." "You're a saint!" I answer back sardonically. He moves away. Next, Diana walks - or glides is more apt - up to me. "You see how happy we are both are, Amanda? I've kept my promise. I'm being the best wife anyone could possibly be. We're so happy! Harry hasn't said anything to you - he doesn't suspect that I didn't want to swap back?" she asks in her English accent. I shake my head, and she smiles, relieved. God has the former Horrible Harry gotten into her new role. Every time I see her she is embracing Diana's life more. Well, everything has worked out well. I am making another $200,000 out of the current deal. One day, Alice will be a very rich woman. I'm leaving almost everything to her. In just three days she will be married to a wonderful young man. I stifle a pang of jealousy. I like my date, but there's no spark between us. And to add insult to injury, he can't take his eyes off Diana. She darts a quick glance at me, amused. The bitch enjoys taking my date's attention away from me. Later, I have to fight temptation not to tell Alice about Horrible Harry and Diana switching bodies and lives permanently last summer. I know she would be furious at me for hiding Madam Olga from her. But it was for her own good. I do know best! ALICE I can't believe it - the dinner made the papers - there's Diana's and Harry's pictures, as well as the St. Clairs. Even I am mentioned, as well as M. Calvert. He is so proud of me! So is Mom. I'm glad the wedding was all set, as we would really be rushed. A wedding planner is handling almost everything - thank God! I want to look and move my best for the wedding. Mom is surprised when I start taking dancing lessons. Diana recommended a studio and also gives me private lessons. We are getting close; she is like a big sister. At the wedding rehearsals, I find I don't like Howard's friend Jack Hampton very much. His smile is too smooth, and his hands too free. Also, he reminds me of somebody I didn't like. I can't think of whom right now, but it will come to me. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met! Howard's a lucky guy," Jack says. "Thank you." I smile politely. He wants something. I wish I could think it was just I, but it's not. Howard beams. "I told you she was wonderful!" I reward Howard's words with a hug and a kiss. At the formal groom's dinner, George is sulking and drinking a little too much. Mom is looking proud. Mrs. Jones comes up and hugs me warmly. She is so nice to me. "I'm so glad Howard is marrying a nice, intelligent girl like you, instead of a brainless bimbo who only thinks of clothes! And the way you have helped the shelter is truly wonderful! You have real quality, Alice." "Thank you, Mrs. Jones!" She laughs, embarrassed. "I would love it if you would call me 'Mom'. That is, if your mother doesn't object?" I want to say - who the fuck cares, but I smile and say, "Why should she - Mom?" Carmen comes up to me. She hasn't started to show yet. I wonder what it will be like to have a baby. Well, I'll find out. George and I want at least three. I'm sure I'll be a lot better Mom than Mom! Not that it will be hard. That jerk George is so proud of being a future father. "You are so beautiful, sister," she says with her charming accent. Her rich, midnight hair is even longer and more beautiful. I smile my thanks. I wait for what she really has to say. "I must know - is it because I didn't invite you to my wedding that you're being mean to George? I told you the wedding was like a whirlwind. We hardly had anyone there." I shake my head. "No, Carmen. It was something that happened much earlier, before you left for Brazil." "What is it? Perhaps I can help bring you both back together. It's not nice - these family quarrels. You two used to be so close." "Ask George," I say with a smile. I wonder what the jerk will say. *** Wedding day. Every butterfly in the world has somehow migrated into my stomach. Then I look at the beautiful bride in the mirror. I am so happy. Mom comes in, as well as Carmen and Nancy. We're all crying, and have to redo our makeup. M. Calvert is so proud to be giving me away I think he'll burst! I glide down the aisle. The dancing lessons have helped the way I move and walk. I feel more graceful and confident. The minister seems a million miles away, like he's at the wrong end of a telescope. My heart is thundering in my breast. A horrible thought floods me. How easily I might not have been here, marrying the most wonderful man in the world. I suppress a shudder. What if Mom had found Madam Olga this summer, before George had married Carmen? What if we would have switched back? Well, she didn't! So I put the thought behind me. I won't be a fool and let anything spoil the most wonderful moment of my life. I look at Howard and smile, and he smiles back. Poor man, like most men in a wedding, he would rather be a million miles away from all this feminine pomp and circumstance. I still remember once feeling the same way. Well, now I don't. I love a big fancy wedding! Then comes the special moment, when I am kissed as a wife. As I walk back up the aisle, I actually see Mom crying. MOM CRYING! Good God! M. Calvert is, too, but that was expected. George looks sulky. Fuck him. I'm not going to let him spoil my big day. The reception is huge at the Ritz Carlton. Our folks dropped a bundle - I would much rather have had 10% of the cash this extravaganza cost, and so would Howard. He's surprised at how practical I am. But this reception is not for us - it's for our folks' vested business and social interests. The Governor himself kisses me, and then beams at the camera. Votes are votes, I think cynically. I'm puzzled; Mom is actually having the whole thing videotaped. She's getting a lot of reaction shots from George. Weird. After my dance with Howard's father, George and I dance. "Good of you to allow me a dance," he says sarcastically. I smile sweetly at him, and say something he used to say to me when he was Alice. "Even though you're the biggest jerk in the world, you're still my brother." He starts to get angry, and then laughs ruefully. "Look, Alice, I've tried to tell Mother the truth many times, but every time I start, the words won't come." I'm tempted to call him super chicken, but don't. When I throw the bridal bouquet, I see Mom's face. I think she would like to make a dive for it. It's too funny. We only have a few days for our honeymoon, but its not like - as Howard says - we haven't been practicing! He is so witty! I can't believe it. Mom has bought me a car - an almost new Celica - for a wedding present! I hug her. I finally have car again! Honeymoons are wonderful! PART 2 - University I'm a little frightened. I'm going in as a freshman, and Howard is graduating. Already, some other girls at the college have been more than a little snide about him robbing the cradle. The jealous cats! An over endowed cheerleader named Tiffany - called Tiffy by her friends - is especially nasty. I hear she wanted Howard, but he never even dated her. We have our own little apartment near the university. It's very nice and cozy. It sure beats my old rat hole and living with Howard is a quantum leap up from living with Mom! Howard jokes that maybe he should still live in the frat house. As if! I kiss him to show him what he would be missing living with all those drunken guys. He just laughs. "Well, on sober refection, maybe I shouldn't!" That's more like it! He takes me in his strong arms and carries me bed ward! Not only is he tender and ardent, but he loves me so much. It makes me feel so special. Sex is great! *** I'm taking twelve hours of classes - a mix of accounting and economics. I laugh to myself, thinking of how I had avoided college when I was George - always looking for 'Easy Money' just like Dad had when I was growing up. What a fool I was. I'm a little nervous in my classes. And talk about being nervous those damn potions haunted me. What to do with them? Finally I decided to hide them in plain sight. I labeled them 'Salted Cooking Wine' and placed them in the cabinet back of the spices. Hopefully no one will drink them. I still wonder when and if I will need them. The first day six cheerleaders come up. The obvious leader looks me up and down with a very contemptuous smile. "You took a wrong turn," she says sweetly and points melodramatically. "The high school is two miles west." Her court laughs and I hear 'good one Tiffany'. The bitch reminds me of Cordelia in Buffy the Vampire slayer. We draw a crowd. I hear one boy mutter 'chick fight!' "I can see you know where it is, are you a teacher here? You look so very MATURE no one would take YOU for an undergraduate." She gets red faced with anger - especially when a couple of guys snicker. Her court looks stunned. I guess nobody dares fight back. I make sure I flash my beautiful wedding and engagement rings. She turns red with fury. In class I smile throughout the day, but I am steaming inside. It's astounding! Just because I'm blonde and beautiful, classmates and even some professors think I'm dumb! People are so stupid! I vow to use it to my advantage to sucker punch those who try and take advantage of me. God, tons of girls are so jealous - just because I'm maybe the most beautiful girl on campus. Why don't they work out - many of them are so fat or so skinny, they might as well be guys? They have no need to worry. I'm very happily married, and am not interested in their men. I hate periods. Sometimes they're enough to make me want to be George again! Jack is always hanging around, coming over for dinner. He is always smoozing Howard. I don't like him, but he is Howard's friend and I try to be pleasant. I just don't like or trust the guy. A month into school, and I'm still mad - being a freshman sucks! Tiffany has made it her business to haunt me and make my life as miserable as possible. Also, can you believe it! Because I'm a freshman, I can't drive my car to classes! Is the universe against me somehow? I finally get a car, and now I can't drive it! Well - I can still drive when I do the shopping, and I bike to class. Mom was right - it is good for my figure. *** Things are improving. Howard, the darling boy, is so proud of me he invites professors, deans and their wives over for dinner. My fame as a chef has spread, as the dinner I cooked for Lord and Lady St. Clair was written up big time in the newspapers. It's nice to receive the praise. It's a far cry now from those earlier days at Stanford when everyone looked down on me. I admit sometimes I find it