A Trip to the Mall
- 3 years ago
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I often have a terrible time falling asleep – I can’t seem to ‘turn my brain off’ for the night, forget my stressful day, and go to sleep. I’ve tried a number of recommendations of breathing exercises and visualisation techniques, with varying success.
I recently read an idea in a women’s magazine, to envision all of my stress and the things worrying me as a string I’m unwinding from myself. I took that imagery a bit further, and came up with the following, which I like very much.
***
I am sitting alone in the doorway of a small hut, looking out into the rain. It is cold and dark, and it’s not just rain, but hail and sleet thrashing down. I sit and I’m knitting a sweater for myself, against the miserable cold.
I look down in my lap, and in the coarse wool are woven images which represent my frustrations, my fears, my sorrows. I have been working on this sweater, a little bit every day, my whole life. Over the years it has changed – adding on bits, losing bits – becoming larger and smaller, but always mine, the colors and patterns always familiar.
At last my fingers ache and I can do no more today. I stand and pull the sweater over my head, feeling the heavy wool dragging down on my shoulders. I hold it close around my throat and step out into the wild weather.
In spite of my best efforts, the sweater does not offer much comfort against the cold – the wind pierces the wide gauge of the stitches and touches my flesh with its chilly fingertips. The freezing rain soaks the wool until it drags me down heavily, and the fabric freezes stiff in the icy blasts. I am shivering with cold, but instinctively still clutching the miserable sweater against my skin.
When all of a sudden I spot a seagull, high above me, riding the swirling winds expertly in the drumming rain to dart down swiftly at me from the lowering sky. I cower, my hands upraised to protect my face, but the gull pays no mind, swooping in to take a loose thread in its beak and then gliding away again. I watch its deliberate retreat in astonishment until it is a speck on the bleak horizon.
It is a moment or two before I am aware of a tugging sensation just below my belly. I glance down to see the sweater unravelling rapidly at the hem. Following the string with my gaze as it forms a taut line to the horizon, thrumming slightly in the wind. My sweater is disappearing before my eyes… I am alarmed to feel the cold air on my bare belly, but can only watch, dumfounded, as all of my careful stitches are unmade, and the woven pictures become a meaningless multicolored string being pulled into the sky.
Beneath my wonder, I can feel the panic easing as I realize that the rain has stopped – and, although the sky is still dark in places with slate-colored clouds, it is brightening where I am. As the sweater unravels ever upward, revealing my naked breasts with the slowness of a strip-tease, the sun pierces the clouds overhead, and I feel its rays warming my skin. Under my feet, grass is growing thick and flowers are pushing their way out of the ground – it was springtime after all, I simply hadn’t noticed.
In the distance, the sky is dark but calm, and where the clouds shade the earth I can see the soft wink of fireflies, and hear the earnest call of spring peepers.
Where the sun breaks through there is a rainbow, spreading a brilliant arc across the sky, and I lift my arms up as the wool thread – its colors running into an unattractive grey – uncoils, snakelike, from my arms. The sun is pleasantly hot, and the air is soft with steam rising from the warmed earth, curling my hair even as it dries. The flowers open in explosions of color, and sweet cool breezes stir butterflies in the tall grass.
The sweater unravels faster and faster, and I turn my attention back just in time to see it disappearing from my wrists, the last knot coming undone with a wet snap, sending droplets flying that I try to catch on my tongue. And then it is gone, and I am blissfully naked in this beautiful world, and I feel so free..
I take a deep breath and, arms still uplifted, I rise into the air, gliding effortlessly on the warm and cool winds. Lifting my face and grinning at the sky, I climb above the trees, through the clouds, into the blue, blue infinity.. Straight up – and when a mysterious black hole opens up before me, I go through without a thought.
When I look down, I can see the earth – a big blue sphere with clouds drifting lazily across the surface – with a small hole visible, which I’ve just come out of.
But I am too fascinated by where I am to ponder it for very long. All around me are a million pinpricks of starlight. I move languidly through the shining darkness, feeling it wrap itself around my body, sublimely at peace.
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