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Eager Beaver ? by: Michelle X I had always thought that I was the unluckiest person in the world. Four years ago, my brother graduated from college in the middle of an economic boom. Just out of college, he got a hot-shot consulting job with a six-figure income, a company car, and all the perks you could imagine. Me? I had the dumb luck to finish college in the middle of the worst recession in years. By the time we had graduated, most of my friends didn't have any job offers whatsoever. I had done pretty well in school, but even then I had only received one job offer. The job wasn't very impressive?just a clerical assistant with a publishing company that produced trade magazines for the semiconductor industry. It was a small company, and the wages and benefits would be meager, but I figured that it was better than nothing. Six months into my job there, I got scared when I was called to meet with the publisher and head of the company, Ms. Victoria Samson. The past several weeks there had been several rounds of layoffs due to the poor economy. By the time I had been called to see her, about fifty percent of the company's employees had been let go, and almost all of the coworkers who had held the same position as me had been fired. I had just bought a car and had an apartment with expensive rent, not to mention the fact that I had tens of thousands of dollars in student loans to deal with, and so the last thing I needed was to lose my job. This was the first time I had actually met Ms. Samson, despite having worked at the company for six months. She was exactly as I had heard her described: a professional, well-groomed, no-nonsense woman in her 40s. I was nervous as I sat down in the chair in front of her desk. "James Price?" she said sternly, looking at a handful of my evaluations. "Yes," I gulped with trepidation. "As you undoubtedly know, my company has been going through some rough times lately, which has resulted in many layoffs. As a result, we're going to be eliminating all of the non-essential employees." I knew that meant my position. Before she could say another word, I blurted out, "Please, Ms. Samson, I can't lose my job! I'll do anything you ask, as long as you let me keep my job!" "I didn't call you here to fire you!" she said with a devilish cackle. "As a matter of fact, I'm here to give you a promotion!" "A promotion? What are you talking about Ms. Samson?" "Let me explain, and please call me Victoria. Of all of our new employees that we hired over the past year, you're clearly the cream of the crop. You have a lot of potential, and I don't want to lose you." "Thank you," I said, beaming. "And the promotion?" "We have an opening in the position of Assistant Editor, and I'd like you to be that person." "Absolutely!" I said. "Where do I sign?" "Hold on, not so fast!" said Ms. Samson. "This issue is a little complicated. This job will be very difficult for you, and it will require a huge long-term commitment on your part. I need your assurance that you will stick with this job and this company, no matter what hardships you or we may face." "Of course," I said, "But I'm a hard worker and a team player, so I really don't think this job will be as difficult as you say it is." "Again, not so fast Mr. Price. Let me explain further. One thing you may not know about this company is that the federal government recently found us guilty of gender discrimination. We had several female applicants claim that they were denied jobs here because of their gender. I tried to explain to the feds that I hire employees strictly on qualifications, and that in the semiconductor business there are simply not enough female applicants who can do the job up to my standards. The government, however, didn't care. They fined the company $100,000, and they said that there has to be a 50-50 gender ratio in all of our top positions!" "Gosh, I never knew any of this," I said, "But how does this relate to me?" "Here's the problem. There are positions for eight Assistant Editors in the company. At this point in time, we have four males and three females. So the final slot is supposed to go to a female." This meeting was a huge roller coaster ride for me. I suddenly became very sad again. "Oh, so I guess I can't have the job, huh?" Ms. Samson cackled. "You make too many assumptions, Mr. Price. Again, I need you for this position. You're the best qualified, and I haven't been able to find any females with your skill and ambition. Now, here's where your big commitment comes in." I was on pins and needles! "My proposal is that you take this position as a female. I know this sounds shocking and crazy, but hear me out. This is a win-win situation. We get a top-notch editor while keeping the feds off our back. You get a promotion with a pay raise and your own office. You would simply have to take on a female identity, temporarily of course, which would just involve maintaining a reasonably feminine appearance. Of course, any expenses in obtaining a female wardrobe, makeovers, hairstyling and the like would be covered by me." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I said, "This is a lot to absorb! I need a minute for all this to sink in!" Did I hear her right? Was she really expecting me to dress as a woman just to keep a job? How ludicrous! Ms. Samson saw that I was getting apprehensive, and she tried to calm me down. "Please, please, please don't think of this as a punishment. If anything, this is a compliment. I wouldn't ask you to do this if I didn't need you so badly for my company. It's really not as bad as it sounds. Wearing skirts and heels to work is not as horrible as you think. After all, half of the workforce does it every day, including me! And it will only be temporary. Once one of the male editors leaves, you can take his position and return to your male identity! It will only be a few weeks or months at the most. I promise! What do you say?" That was a tough decision to make on the spot like that. On the one hand, having to live my life as a woman sounded positively revolting! I had always considered myself a fairly macho guy, to the extent that I would freak out at the most meaningless sleight to my masculinity. The last thing I wanted was to have to prance around in high heels and skirts every day, to have to worry about coordinating my outfits and smudging my makeup, to be thought of as weak and ditzy. On the other hand, I knew that the best thing for my career and financial status would be to agree to Ms. Samson's request. With all my expenses, I really couldn't afford to lose this job, and I knew that with the recession going on, the chances of my finding another job were nil. Plus Ms. Samson was a very powerful and connected career woman, and if I displeased her, she could easily blacklist me from every other job in the field. So what initially seemed to be a difficult dilemma, turned out to be no decision at all. I had no choice. "Yes, Victoria, I'll do it." "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she exclaimed, "I know this will be good for both of us. Now, we need to get started right away! The publishing team is way behind schedule, and we need you to start performing your duties immediately!" Little did I realize that when she said immediately, she meant immediately. Right away she called in her secretary Cynthia with a measuring tape in hand. Victoria informed me that Cynthia would take my measurements and then go to the mall to buy an array of blouses, skirts, high-heeled shoes, pantyhose, bras, and other assorted items. Victoria handed Cynthia a company credit card, saying, "This card has a $5,000 limit, which should be enough, be sure to get a tasteful, professional wardrobe. Our little working woman here has to look good, you know!" "Five-thousand dollars?" I said. "Isn't that a lot to spend on clothes if I'm only going to be wearing them for a few weeks?" "Nonsense!" said Victoria. "Nothing but the best for you. Besides, as you'll soon learn, women's fashion is much more complicated than men's clothing. You're going to have to learn how to coordinate your outfits with your accessories and your makeup. I expect you to be a quick learner! And that reminds me, this weekend I have you signed up for a seminar on fashion for the working woman. It's a two-day event, and it will teach you everything you need to know about professional attire and makeup!" Great. Instead of spending my weekend watching basketball games, as I had planned, I would be learning how to look my best as a little, dainty woman. Victoria spent the next hour or so explaining my duties as Assistant Editor. Aside from that little 'dressing as a woman' thing, the job sounded quite manageable, and I was looking forward to it. It wasn't long before Cynthia came back with dozens of shopping bags in hand. "Get ready!" she said, "Here's what you're going to be wearing for the next few months." I was crestfallen as I looked as my new wardrobe. All the frilly blouses, the short skirts, the silky pantyhose, the lacy bras, the very-uncomfortable-looking high heels. What did I get myself into? "Victoria, I appreciate all this, I really do, but this all seems a bit too extravagant. This all looks so, so feminine! I mean, couldn't you have given me some more comfortable shoes, some loafers maybe? And why aren't there any pants? Why do I have to wear a skirt every day?" "Listen!" she snapped. "I care a great deal about professional appearance. I don't let any of my employees dress so casually in the office. I realize I'm asking a lot of you, but I really can't make any exceptions." She picked up a cream-colored blouse, a brown skirt, and matching hose and heels and gave them to me. "Now, why don't you try these on? Let's see how you look, missy!" They left the room to give me privacy, and I put on the clothes with much trepidation. I felt so ashamed at how emasculated I had felt. But, given that I had essentially no choice in the matter, I resigned myself to looking like this for the foreseeable future. After a few minutes, Victoria and Cynthia returned. "Wow!" Victoria exclaimed. "You look fabulous! From the neck down, you appear the epitome of a professional working woman!" That's certainly not what I wanted to hear! "Well, how does it feel?" "I have to be honest, this feels very uncomfortable," I said. "These high heels pinch my feet, and I can only take small, mincing steps in them. And this skirt, it's very constricting and makes my ass sway back and forth when I walk. It's kind of short too; I feel like my legs are on display to the world. But if people don't stare at my legs, they're certainly going to stare at my chest with this wonder-bra!" Victoria laughed. "Welcome to the world of women's fashion! As you've learned, our clothes were not designed with comfort in mind. They're designed to please men's sexual desires. I'm sure you've leered at many women with short skirts and big boobs, but now it's your turn to be the sex object!" That really got me scared. I had never considered, the fact that men would be ogling me and would find me sexually attractive. But what could I do? Millions of women had learned to deal with it, and I would just have to accept it too. "I guess I can handle this for a few hours each day," I said. "At least when I'm home and away from work, I can wear my regular male clothes whenever I want." Victoria looked at me nervously and said, "Um, not exactly. Apparently you didn't quite understand what you got yourself into, if afraid that you're a little bit mistaken about the arrangement. This isn't just a little dress-up session where you're a woman at work during the day and a man the rest of the time. You're going to need to live as a woman full-time, 24/7." "What, what?" I said dumbfounded, "What are you talking about? Why?" "It's a long story, so let me explain. "It turns out that we're not the only company in the business that has been found guilty of sex discrimination. There was another company, Becker and Decker Inc. that was also required by the federal government to hire more females. They tried to do the same thing that we're doing now, having a male employee impersonate a female. Well the feds got suspicious and had investigators follow this 'female' employee around the clock. It didn't take long to figure out that this 'woman' was actually a man. Needless to say, the company got in even more trouble, and they were fined two- million dollars. And the male employee posing as a female was successfully prosecuted for fraud. He's now in jail, and you can imagine that the big burly inmates are having a field day with this female impersonator!" "Yikes!" I said. "Right. A multi-million-dollar penalty would absolutely devastate this company. We simply can't afford it. And you can't afford to go to jail. As a result, it's essential that nobody figures out that you're a man! No matter where you are or what you're doing, you must always look as feminine as possible. You can never wear a shred of male clothing, anywhere, anytime! Understand?" "Yes, of course," I said sadly, resigned to my fate. "Also, this necessitates that we give you a whole new identity. We already have our computer team working on that. Your new name is Jennifer Prisseman. Our team can hack into any computer anywhere, so all your records, including back accounts, school transcripts, medical records, birth certificate, et cetera, will be changed to reflect this. It will be as if James Price had never existed! But don't worry, I can easily restore your male identity if I want to." Lovely. Could this be getting any worse? Victoria continued, "Since it would look suspicious for you to return your old apartment, we'll get you a new apartment. Don't worry I have one set up that's just a few blocks away from the office. If you give Cynthia the key to your old apartment, she'll deliver all your personal items to your new home." "Except for your male clothes, of course," chimed in Cynthia. "Of course," said Victoria. "It would look highly suspicious for you to have any male clothes in your possession. And besides, it's not like you're going to be wearing them any time in the near future. So I'll just give them all away to the Salvation Army!" Now the situation was spiraling out of control faster and faster. Relinquish my male clothes? My male identity? If I were to continue, I would be completely feminized! There would be nothing to suggest that I was ever a man! But I had to be realistic. Like it or not, I had to live as Jennifer Prisseman. There was no other choice. I would have to present myself to the world as a female, and it was completely out of my hands when I could go back to living as a male. Victoria looked at her watch! "Oh my goodness! Jennifer, we have an appointment at the beauty salon in ten minutes! Let's go!" "Beauty salon? Is that really necessary? What are you going to do to me?" "We're late, Jennifer! I'll explain to you in the car." "If you say so, but let me first change back into my normal clothes." "Honey, these are your normal clothes now! You're going to have to get used to skirts and heels, and there's no time better than the present to start!" This next stage in my feminization didn't sound too appealing. While we were in the car, Victoria explained that she had a friend who owned a salon that specialized in female impersonators. They would give me the works, including a feminine hairstyle with coloring, a complete makeover, electrolysis, ear piercing, eyebrow tweezing, and a manicure with longer tips glued onto my short masculine nails. We must have spent at least three hours in the salon. Every so often I would protest to Victoria, saying that the changes she was making to my appearance were too feminine and too drastic. She explained to me that this was exactly what she wanted; it was crucial that no one ever perceive me to be a male, so I had to look as feminine as possible. As Victoria said, "We need to remove every last vestige of maleness from you. If anyone looks at you and does not see 100% femininity, we could both be out of a job!" By the time we were done, it had seemed that Victoria's goal was achieved. My appearance, from head to toe, was total woman. Before I left, the beautician gave me some tips on applying makeup so that I would be able to do it myself the next day. Victoria had also whipped out the credit card again, and I left with a huge bag of cosmetics. "Isn't this exciting?" said Victoria as she drove me to my new apartment. "I'd always wanted a daughter who I could go shopping with and make pretty. I guess you're the next best thing!" She had told me that while we were in the salon, Cynthia and some other assistants had moved me from my old apartment to my new home, and had done some decorating. I couldn't believe it when I entered my new apartment. Sure a lot of my old things were there, but it was decorated in a completely feminine style! Not to mention that, but on the coffee table there were several women's fashion and beauty magazines. And in the bookcase, all my sports books were gone, replaced by trashy romance novels. Victoria saw my look of surprise and tried to explain. "As I told you, the government will likely be keeping a close eye on us, and their suspicions will be aroused by any new female employee. I wouldn't be surprised if they even spy through your window to nail us. Thus, I want you to completely immerse yourself in the feminine mindset! When you have nothing to do, read these books or magazines. If you're watching TV, make sure to watch soap operas or chick flicks. I forbid you to watch anything like sports or action movies. You can't risk anything to blow your cover! The bottom line is, you must avoid anything that seems even remotely masculine!" "Wonderful," I thought. "Not only do I have to look like a female, I have to act like one and think like one! And I can't even escape from my femininity within my own house!" "Don't get too comfortable," said Victoria, "We have one more stop before the day is through." We were back in the car again, and she informed me that she was taking me to Dr. Badinski, an endocrinologist. I shuddered to think what was next. In the office, Victoria told me that I would be getting a shot of a depot form of estrogen. Even though I would only get the injection once, the hormone would be slowly released over time, such that its effects would last up to a year. "Hold on!" I said as the doctor was preparing the injection, "Isn't this just a little bit drastic? You said this was only going to be a few weeks, right? When I go back to being a man, I still don't want these hormones taking effect. Aren't these changes going to be permanent?" Victoria tried to reassure me. "Unless you continue the hormone regularly, there won't be any drastic permanent changes. The only reason for this is to make you as feminine as possible, remember, the changes will be subtle, but femininity is all about subtlety. Your voice will become higher-pitched, you'll grow moderately-sized breasts, and your personality and emotions will become more female. And besides, you've already done so much already, it's not like you can turn back." I hated to admit it, but she was right. I had gone beyond the point of no return. Even if I had agreed to quit now, I no longer had any male clothes in my possession, and all my records were under a female identity. And I'm sure if I did stop this little game, Victoria wouldn't be all too helpful in restoring my male identity. My masculinity was in her hands, and I would only get it back when she said so. I stuck out my arm, and the doctor injected the hormone. For the next twelve months, I would have to expect to become more and more feminine. Victoria drove me back to my ultra-feminine apartment, wishing me well and telling me to arrive to work at 8:00 AM the next morning. She reminded me that from now on I would have to start waking up an hour early, to give myself enough time to do my makeup, hair, nails, etc. For the first time that day, I was alone to ponder my predicament and my new feminine identity. I took a look at my closets and dresser drawers to see what I had become. There were no more boxer shorts, no sweat socks, no beat-up tennis shoes. I didn't even have a single pair of pants to my name! It was all replaced by an endless array of blouses, skirts, bras, pantyhose, and high heels. No matter where I went, I could be assured that I would be putting forth the most feminine of appearances. I got ready for bed, putting on a silk pink negligee, and cried myself to sleep. I just wanted to stay in bed when the morning alarm went off, but I knew it was time for me to live my first full day in the world of womanhood. Luckily, Victoria had picked an outfit for me to wear that day, so I wouldn't have to worry about making that decision. I quickly put on the navy skirt and white blouse, with a pair of navy hose and heels to match. Thankfully the previous day the beautician had shown me the basics of putting on makeup, and I did an adequate job on my own. Before I left, I took one last look in the mirror. I was devastated by how feminine I looked. Part of me wanted to just run away and hide, not wanting anyone to see me as a woman. But where would I go, having nothing to my name suggesting that I was ever a male? I took a deep breath, grabbed my purse, and went out to face the public. The walk to work was much more difficult than I expected, both physically and psychologically. As a male, I was used to walking very fast, with long, brisk strides. But with my heels and tight skirt, that would be impossible. I had to accept that from now on I would always be forced to walk with dainty, ladylike steps. I was also very aware of the fact that many of the male passersby were staring at me. Part of me couldn't blame them. I did make a very sexy woman, and when I was a male, I certainly had my share of leering at young girls. I realized that being ogled at and being thought of as a sex object was just one more thing that I would have to adjust to. But it felt so degrading to realize that now I would be on the receiving end of the lascivious looks. The most embarrassing part was walking past a construction site and having all the guys cheer and whistle at me! During the walk, I also felt an extreme sense of vulnerability. As a man, I could rest assured that any type of mugger or attacker would probably not go after me. And if he did, I'd have been able to fight him off, or at least run away. But as a female, I knew my chances of being attacked went up astronomically. With my tight clothing and my heels, I'd certainly be in no position to fight back or even flee. I'd be as helpless as any other woman! Once I finally got to the office, I felt much more at ease. Victoria complimented me on how professional I looked, and she showed me to my new office, which was quite swanky. I thought maybe things weren't going to be as bad as I thought. I met the seven other assistant editors, and we quickly got to work. At times, there were moments when I was so wrapped up in the work that I completely forgot that my appearance was female. At other times, I was very self-aware, especially when I could tell that the male editors were staring at my ass or my legs! I knew that the gawking wouldn't end any time soon. To make matters worse, one of the editors, Kyle, asked me out for drinks after work. Things were moving fast enough as it was; I certainly didn't need to complicate things by starting to date men! I politely declined, saying I had just gotten out of a relationship with a boyfriend. Victoria had overheard that conversation, and she told me to expect to be hit on by men constantly, both in the office and elsewhere. Unbelievably, she actually encouraged me to go on some dates with men, saying that I would be lonely otherwise! I told her that I would think about it, saying to myself that I would be nuts to ever enter a romantic relationship with a man. Overall, my first day was a mix of bad and good, and things got even better over time. Within a week I found myself a routine. Wearing female clothing was now not so much a novelty, but just something I had to do as a working woman. I still got jealous every time I would see the male editors, thinking, "I used to be tough and masculine like them. Gosh, they have it so easy, getting to wear pants and comfortable shoes. If only they knew how hard we women have it!" In the back of my mind, there was always the worry that my secret would be found out. I had always kept in mind Victoria's admonitions that the government would be keeping a close watch on the company's employees, especially keeping an eye out for a new 'girl' who was really a man. The last thing I wanted was to be accused of fraud and go to prison, so I did my best to stifle any of my male traits. For example, I made it a point to eat with the other girls at lunch, and I eagerly joined in their conversations about makeup, fashion, and the newest chick flick. I also consciously forced myself to adopt a more feminine body language, with appropriate ladylike gestures and posture. Pretty soon that became second nature as well, almost to the point where it felt like I had been living as a female my whole life! Over time, I gradually noticed that the female hormones were beginning to take effect. Within a few months, I began to grow breasts, and for the first time, I actually needed the bras I was wearing. I also noticed that my emotions and personality were becoming less masculine. I found myself much more emotional, much calmer and less aggressive. Although Victoria had told me not to watch any more sports, I kind of lost interest in them on my own. In the evenings I would watch all the soaps I had taped, and I had actually found myself relating to the female characters! I even began finding many of the hunky actors attractive, and I was kind of wishing for a man like them to come along and sweep me off my feet! It was around this time that I found myself having some real misgivings about my feminization. "It's one thing to dress like a female," I thought to myself, "but it's another to start growing female body parts and have your brain wired like a woman's!" I started panicking, and I decided that I wanted out of the arrangement. Thankfully I calmed myself down pretty quickly, because I knew it would have been stupid to make any rash decisions. I reminded myself of Victoria's assurances that my feminization was only temporary, that once an opening for a male editor opened up, my ordeal would be over. Indeed my predictions proved correct. Only six months into my life as a female, I heard through the grapevine that one of the male editors would be leaving. It would only be a matter of days before he left, and my male identity could take his place! About one week after this rumor had started, Victoria called me into her office. I thought for sure that she was going to give me the good news, that she would restore my male identity. She started off the conversation confirming that the male editor was indeed leaving, and that his position was open. "However?" she continued. However? What was coming next? "At this time I think I'm going to leave you as a woman," she finished. I just sat there agape for what seemed like an eternity. How could she do this? She had promised that she would make me a male as soon as possible! I had been so loyal, and she was just going to go back on her word! "Let me explain," she said. "Yes, I know that I was supposed to let you have that job as a man. But the same problem still exists now that existed previously; there simply aren't any qualified females to take your place! In the past week, I've had at least a hundred men and women apply for the editor's position. I've gotten at least ten qualified males, but no decent female applicants. I can't let you leave your position if I have no appropriate replacement." Victoria continued, "Jennifer, you're simply too valuable to me as a female employee. So again, for the time being, I expect you to remain in your female identity. I know you're probably disappointed, but you've been so cooperative so far, and you just need to stay patient. If the time comes that I'll be able to give you back your male identity, I'll let you know immediately! Trust me, this is for the best." And that was that. Naturally, part of me just wanted to lash out at her, to scream out at the top of my lungs about how much of a bitch she was and how unfair she was being. But again, I had to remind myself that my masculinity was in her hands. She was right; the only way to get my male identity back was to be patient. She had taken it away, and only she could give it back to me. Quitting wouldn't solve anything, and if anything it would guarantee the permanence of my feminization. So, frustrated but resigned to my fate, I reluctantly returned to my normal routine as living as a woman. Things had continued as before for another six months. The only difference was that I was becoming even more and more feminine, both physically and psychologically; the hormones were definitely having an effect on me. I had just passed the anniversary of my feminization, and it turned out that another of the male editors was leaving, potentially opening up a spot for me. Of course, I didn't want to get my hopes up given what had happened previously. Indeed my suspicions were confirmed that Victoria would not let me go back to a man. When I spoke with her, she gave me the same song-and-dance about how valuable I was as a female employee and how she couldn't find a suitable female replacement for me. I started beginning to wonder if maybe she had never intended to give me back my male identity. Over the next few weeks and months, there had been several more openings for a male editor, several opportunities for Victoria to free me from my prison of femininity. Each and every time she denied my wishes, giving me some excuse or another. I finally realized what was going on. It was implicit that Victoria had absolutely no intention of letting me live as a man. Not now, not in the past, and not in the future. And why should she have? She totally had the upper hand. I had willingly surrendered my masculine identity to her. She knew perfectly well that I was trapped, that I couldn't quit my job, that I was bound to my new feminine self. After this, turnover among the male editors remained fairly high, and there were multiple opportunities for me to have taken over one of their spots. But I had now accepted that it would completely fruitless for me to ask Victoria to let me have my male identity back. She would just say no, as she always had, and I simply would have made her mad. So I told myself that from now on I wouldn't pester her anymore about turning me back into a man, though in reality I had every right to so do. Victoria noticed my attitude adjustment and seemed pleased that I had given up, constantly praising my 'commitment to the company'. One day Victoria called me into her office, informing me that she had scheduled another appointment with the endocrinologist to get another hormone shot, given that the first one had already worn off. I protested, saying that I had already become way too feminine, and that any more would be unnecessary. She disagreed, countering that my male characteristics might return if I discontinued the estrogens. At that point I stopped arguing, knowing that she would win anyway; I had relinquished control a long time ago, and she knew it. And so here I am today, still living as Jennifer Prisseman. Normally I'm an optimistic person, but now I concede that I'll likely be retaining this identity for the rest of my life. How do I feel about all this? Overall, it could be worse. After all, I do have a well- paying job that is relatively secure (at least as long as Victoria is at the company). And it is nice to feel very attractive and sexy; I'm probably better looking than most females who were born that way! I've finally taken up Victoria's advice to start dating men, and I must say, attracting high-quality men is certainly not a problem for me! But for all the good things that have come out of this, I still can't fully accept the shame and humiliation of having my masculinity utterly stripped away. Life as a man was so easy, and it's difficult knowing that I'll never again experience the luxury of being society's more privileged sex. It's frustrating knowing that though I'm intelligent and ambitious, most men take a look at my legs and my breasts and think of me as nothing more than a sex object. And I very much resent the ordeal of putting on makeup and wearing uncomfortable clothing just to make myself acceptable to the other sex. It's in my physical relationships with men where I've truly come to appreciate the subordinate status of women. As a man, I always relished the psychological control and sexual power I possessed over my female partners; it truly reaffirmed my masculine identity. But from now on, I'll be forced to assume the submissive role in my sexual relationships. It's very uncomfortable not having that sense of control, knowing that I'm expected to submit to my man's every command. But, as with every other aspect of my feminine identity, it's something I'm just learning to live with, because if I don't, I truly won't be accepted as a woman. So, all in all, if I had the chance to go back in time, would I have made the same decision to save my career by becoming a woman? I'd have to say no. Despite all the good things that have happened to me, losing my male identity is a shame that I'll never be able to get over. There will always be a hole in my heart that can never be fixed by any job or any amount of money. After all, recessions come and go, but masculinity is something that should never be taken from a man. So to all the guys out there reading this: if you find yourself in a situation like mine, don't do what I did. You definitely don't want to walk in my shoes. Those heels really are a bitch!