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All In The Mind free porn video
All In the Mind
By Dawna Tompson July, 2002
I've just received the most shocking news of my life. I'm
stunned and I can't seem to come to grips with it. I had a
blood test the other day for a work physical and the lab
report noted that my chromosomes are XX. Genetically I'm a
woman! I freaked out.
Doctor Stone said that it's nothing to worry about. Some
men have XX chromosomes but lead otherwise normal lives.
Most live their entire life without ever knowing about the
condition. He said it changes nothing and I can continue to
live just as I have been. Nothing is different. I can still
be the man I was.
"Sexual identity has to do more with how you feel and think
than what your biochemical makeup is," he said. He told me
to forget about it. That's easy for him to say.
It's been several days and I still cannot shake this
strange feeling. Every time I look in the mirror I see the
same face but just knowing that my chromosomes are not what
they should be makes me feel like there's something wrong
with me. I cannot shake this feeling that I'm somehow
flawed. I feel like everyone is looking at me and wondering
what kind of man I am. I know it's all in my head. No one
can tell except me. But it seems to make a big difference.
I had a long talk with Cindy, our secretary at work. She's
worked there for more than a year and this is the first
time I've had a personal conversation with her. I found out
she's caring for her ailing father and that she's dating a
hospital administrator named Brad.
She's the only girl in our office. Or maybe I should say
the only "other" girl. I don't know why but since I found
out the news I've felt a new respect for her. She puts up
with a lot of nonsense with the guys and she does it with
skill, good humor, and a touch of feminine grace. She has a
lot of qualities I admire. I can't exactly put my finger on
it but I feel something like a bond between us that wasn't
there before I got the news.
Things are not going well with Marty. I don't know. Maybe
we were not meant for each other. She's been bugging me
about getting married and I really don't feel like it's a
good idea right now. She said that I'm just like all men,
I'm afraid of a commitment. But she has no idea that I'm
not like other men, at least not the inner workings of the
cells of my body. I still feel uneasy about that news. I
know I just have to accept it but it keeps going around in
my mind like an endless loop.
Cindy received a bouquet of flowers today at work. She and
Brad were celebrating the four-month anniversary of their
first date. I was very happy for her and I told her so. All
the other guys just mocked her out and made a lot of crude
jokes.
It started me thinking how much different things might have
been if I had become a physical woman. If I had been a real
girl like Cindy maybe someone would have sent me flowers
too. It would have been a much different life than the one
I have right now.
Recently, I've been thinking hard about making a symbolic
gesture to acknowledge my chromosomal make-up. I decided
that I would get my ear pierced. It's a small thing but I
needed to do something. Otherwise I think I'll just bust. I
got a small diamond stud. Cindy was the only one to notice.
She liked it.
I was home for the weekend and spent a lot of time with
mom. I haven't really had much of a relationship with her
since I left home. For that matter I never had much of one
before I left home either. One of us was always too busy. I
was surprised at how well we got along.
She took out some old photos and showed me pictures of dad
with Todd before I was born. Then she confided that when
she was pregnant with me she had hoped I'd be a girl. I
must have been a let down for her when I was born. Once dad
died she never got another chance to have a daughter.
Cindy always talks about what a great relationship she has
with her mother. I wish mom could have had that. I guess
she would have if I'd turned out the way I was supposed to.
I know it isn't my fault but I can't get the idea out of my
mind that I disappointed her. I was supposed to be a girl.
Todd came over for a visit while I was at mom's house. He
and I were talking about old times and he reminded me about
the time when I had to play the mother in our Cub Scout
skit. I was so embarrassed. I wonder if Mrs. Cottonwood
selected me for the part because she somehow knew about me?
I suppose that's impossible. But why did she pick me?
I went up in the attic and found a box of my old toys. A
small change in just a few chemicals and those planes and
trucks could have easily been dolls, dresses, and make-up
kits. That would have pleased mom.
I could picture a tiny egg sitting on the head of a pin. A
little push one way and I'd come out a boy, a little the
other way and I'm a girl. It was such a small action and it
had such a very large consequence. What if it had been
different? Why do I have a man's body if I'm a girl? Which
way after all, did I fall?
I returned but didn't feel like going to work. I had a
headache and just didn't feel up to work. I know it's all
in my head but it has been exactly 28 days since I found
out. It is almost as if these recurring thoughts are
affecting my body. I know it's ridiculous. Dr. Stone
assured me that nothing is different. But damn it! I feel
like shit.
I had another big argument with Marty again today. I can't
get married to her and I can't explain it either. Not even
to myself. It just doesn't feel right.
I accidentally walked into the woman's bathroom at
McDonald's today. I don't know what I was thinking. I
realized it when I couldn't find the urinal. But for some
reason I went ahead and did my thing in the stall. Maybe I
just needed another symbolic gesture. Luckily no one
noticed me. While I was sitting there pissing I remembered
something from first grade. Some boys were taunting me in
the boy's bathroom because I sat on the toilet to pee. Was
I trying to express my true inner self at some subconscious
level way back then? Could they have known? They said I
peed like a girl.
When I was at the mall and took a short cut through
Penney's. I suddenly became aware of all the women's
clothes around me. I don't know why. It seemed as if
suddenly I was peering into an entirely different world. It
reminded me of the time I was looking at a picture of a
goblet and then suddenly realized that it was really a
picture of two people kissing. I could see all the other
women looking critically at the clothes on the racks. Some
were holding up blouses and others were scurrying to the
dressing rooms. I imagine I would have done the same if
things had turned out differently. I wished for a moment
that I were a part of it. As it is, I rarely take much
interest in what I wear. Maybe I should.
I know I'm not crazy now. It's been almost two months since
I learned about my condition. Actually it's been exactly 56
days. I checked it on a calendar. That's two 28-day cycles.
Last month was the same thing as today. I felt lousy and
had a headache for two or three days. I feel the same
today. I know it's not a co-incidence. It must be that my
mind is affecting my body. How else can this be explained?
What's even crazier is that I feel bloated and my chest
feels tender. What's happening to me?
Cindy came to work with an engagement ring on her finger.
It's a gorgeous stone. I'll bet Brad is either very
successful or very much in debt. She is so happy and I'm so
happy for her. The weird thing was that I was the first one
to notice the ring. Tom, Brian and the others didn't see
it. When Cindy and I made a fuss they did congratulate her,
but they sure seemed pretty subdued compared how I felt. I
could really tell it was an important day for Cindy and I
wanted to share it with her. Afterward I had to go to my
cubicle to be alone. Cindy is getting married and Marty and
I are finished.
I had another stud put in my other ear today. Maybe I
should have been a woman. Maybe I wouldn't feel so sad. I
wish I could be as happy as Cindy. I looked at myself in
the mirror and I see someone I'm not sure I like anymore. I
need to shave more often. I need to take better care of my
skin and hair.
I got out of the shower and began thinking about my problem
again. I stood in front of the mirror and played with my
hair. It's grown quite a bit and is long overdue for a cut.
Since it was so long I tried out a few things just to
satisfy myself. I used a brush to curl it a little and used
the blow drier to puff it up. I think I would have had
beautiful hair if I'd been born a woman. I would have made
a cute girl if things had turned out differently.
I received a package today via UPS. Or at least I thought I
did. I was in such a hurry to open it I didn't even notice
that it came from QVC and the address was for the apartment
next door. I tore open the box and discovered a cute red
dress inside. I held it up against my body for a second and
did a pirouette.
For a moment I felt connected to those women in Penney's. I
had shorts on and could actually picture what I'd look like
in it for a second. I never noticed how hairy my legs were
before. Even so, they seemed pretty shapely and a nice
compliment to the dress. I took the box next door and gave
it to my neighbor along with my apologies.
I've been really feeling lonely lately. I used to hang
around with the guys at work but I don't feel very close to
them anymore. All they ever seem to want to do is hang
around bars, drink beer, and talk about sports. To tell the
truth Cindy is the only one I really like to talk to. She's
been so busy with her wedding plans lately. She showed me a
picture of her dress. It's simply gorgeous. She seems to be
just glowing with excitement. My life seems so dull by
comparison.
Yesterday, I got sick and tired of watching TV. The only
interesting thing on was a movie on the Women's Lifetime
Network. When it finished I went to Patty's, the bar down
the street. I had a couple of beers and talked to a few of
the patrons. I played a game of darts with a guy named
Jimmy. We had a few laughs. Still, I felt a little bit
conspicuous for some reason. Everyone seemed to know each
other so well and I felt out of place. It's just that now I
feel most uncomfortable about who I am when I'm around a
bunch of guys. I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I know
that no one can tell, but I was the only "woman" in the
bar. It felt as if I was masquerading while everyone else
was being themselves.
When I got home I started to think about Marty. We've been
apart for a few weeks now. The funny thing is that I still
haven't developed much of an appetite for other women yet.
It crossed my mind that maybe my genes are affecting me.
Maybe my sex drive is shriveling because of my chromosomes?
Did I activate some female hormone? I know now that my body
has that potential.
I once read about how male frogs can spontaneously change
into females. Can something like that happen to humans? No,
it can't be and I've got to get these thoughts out of my
head. The doctor told me that nothing is different. But why
am I not attracted to girls anymore? It must be because of
the emotional toll the breakup had. It can't be anything
physical.
I went down to Patty's again and met up with Jimmy. We
played a couple of games of darts. Then he disappeared for
a few minutes and came back with a friend. He introduced me
to Brent. Brent is an extremely friendly guy and we hit it
off pretty well.
Well, one thing led to another. The next thing I knew, the
three of us were in Brent's car smoking a Doobie. I haven't
had a J since I got out of college. I was feeling pretty
mellow and Brent put some smooth Jazz into the CD. Suddenly
he moved over close to me and started to stroke my arm. I
had to jerk my arm away quickly. He was nice about it and
told me that it was just a mistake. Luckily Jimmy had
disappeared, so there were no witnesses.
He was so easygoing that we stayed in his car talking for a
few minutes more. I really like him as a friend. I
apologized for reacting the way I did. He ended up taking
me home and we shook hands goodbye. He has a strong
masculine handshake and hairy muscular arms. It was the
first time since I broke up with Marty that anyone has
touched me. It was just a handshake. I guess shouldn't make
such a big deal about it.
Funny thing though. A few months ago I would have probably
assumed he was making a pass at me and punched out his
lights. If I'd done that tonight I might have lost a
friend. I guess the news has changed me more than I
thought. I think it's made me more tolerate. I'm less
willing to jump to conclusions about people than I used to
be. Maybe that's a good thing. But still, I wonder if he
sees me as more than just a friend?
Last night, as I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I
started to think about my new friend Brent. Weird thoughts
kept zipping through my head. I wonder why Brent thought I
might be attracted to him? Did I accidentally give him some
encouragement? Was it something I said or did? Are other
men attracted to me? How come I'm not grossed out by such
thoughts anymore?
Funny, the incident with Brent seemed to have awakened my
sleeping sex drive. I'm feeling full of desire and yet
strangely I can't seem to find any women that I'm attracted
to. Maybe I'm not the normal guy I thought I was. Maybe I
was never attracted to women and that stint with Marty was
just a psychological decoy. Suppose it's self-denial or
something like that. Maybe I'm really attracted to men and
I've been lying to myself all these years. But I can't
think of any men that I find physically attractive though.
Except maybe Brent.
If I'd been a physical woman I think we could have had a
relationship. He's really entertaining and I like him a
lot. That's a ludicrous thought. If I'd been a woman then
he probably wouldn't have been interested in me. Wait!
Maybe Brent isn't homosexual? Maybe people like Brent, Mrs.
Cottonwood, and the first grade boys can sense my feminine
self deep down inside me? Maybe he's attracted to my
feminine side? Maybe it's my female persona that likes him
so much? Why is my heart always pounding so loud when I
think about him? Oh God! It's all so confusing.
I had a zany idea today. I woke up and took a shower and
then shaved all the hair off my legs. I can't say why I did
it. I wrapped a towel around myself and paraded around in
my "skirt." I was right about having shapely legs. For good
measure I shaved all the hair off my chest as well.
Brent called and asked me to a movie. I accepted. It wasn't
a date or anything. I like him as a friend and if he's
queer, well so be it. We went to see a "chic flick" but you
know I really enjoyed it. I was sobbing at the end. That's
the first time I can ever remember doing that. I guess its
just knowing that deep inside at some level I'm really a
girl. It keeps preying on my mind and affecting the way I
think. Sometimes I think I'm going to go crazy. I just wish
the doctor had never told me anything. I'm so mixed up.
Brent came over today just to visit. I finally broke down
and told him about myself. He was very concerned about me.
He was very reassuring and supportive. I doubt that anyone
else could have been as understanding. He gave me a hug and
I have to admit that I buried my face in his chest. I want
so much for someone to be there for me like that all the
time. I just wish it wasn't like this. I feel like I'm
standing over an ever widening split in the ground. Sooner
or later I'm going to have to decide which side to jump to
or end up at the bottom of a chasm.
I went to Cindy's wedding today. It was wonderful. She
worked so hard to make it perfect. Before the ceremony, I
went over to wish her luck and give her a hug. She and her
bridesmaids all looked beautiful. I loved their dresses and
the stunning shades of blue she chose for them. They were
so happy and excited.
I enjoyed being there but I felt so lonely. I wish I could
have played a part in the wedding like her other
girlfriends did. I'm having so much trouble trying to
handle all of the strange feelings I've had lately. I can't
remember a time when I felt like this before. Her husband
Brad is very handsome. I think they make a lovely couple. I
wish I could find someone to take care of me like she did.
Brent came over again. I was really feeling down about the
wedding and I guess he seemed to sense that. That's just
the way he is. He brought me a present to cheer me up. He
gave me some red silk briefs that he bought at Victoria's
Secret. I wasn't in the mood for such nonsense but I
eventually played along. I got undressed and slipped them
on. They felt really nice.
Then he showed me the matching top. They weren't men's
briefs. They were the bikini bottoms of a woman's two-piece
nightgown. He said I should wear it as an acknowledgement
of the hidden part of me. Besides, he said he had a vision
of me wearing it and thought he'd buy it and try to coax me
into it. Eventually, I did try on the top. Brent laughed at
me but said I looked pretty cute in it. I did look pretty,
maybe even feminine, especially with my nice smooth legs. I
was so delighted I couldn't help myself, I stood on my toes
and gave him a big hug.
I was miserable at work today. I was tired and crabby. (And
yes, it's that time of the month again.) I tried to call
Brent but no luck. He wasn't at home and wasn't at Patty's
either. Maybe I'd embarrassed him yesterday with my hug. He
couldn't have missed noticing that I was excited. I went to
bed early but couldn't fall asleep. I kept thinking about
Brent. I was worried about him. He finally showed up drunk
about 2:00am. I undressed him and put him to bed. I put the
nightgown on just because it felt right and then crawled in
alongside of him.
I went to the salon to get a haircut today. On a whim I had
Alfred cut my hair into a short feminine bob. I had him
lighten it just a little too, adding a few blonde streaks.
It really looks cute on me. I wasn't sure how to comb it
for work. He must have read my mind because he told me how
to curl and set it. He offered to give me a manicure. I
took him up on it. He put on clear fingernail polish but
I'm tempted to try some color. The other girls in the salon
thought it looked good on me too. I received a lot of
compliments and we ended up all in a circle giggling and
carrying on.
The last couple of weeks have been really crazy. Brent has
moved in and I've quit my job. I've been working hard to
reshape myself into who I really am. I'm finally starting
to come to grips with the fact that I am a woman. I have
the chromosomes, but more importantly I now have a mental
picture of myself as a woman. And it doesn't make me feel
mixed up inside anymore either. My thinking and emotions
are now much more like the woman I probably always was.
I've allowed my innermost feelings to come out and they are
100 percent feminine. I can't believe that I had this all
bottled up inside me all this time. I should have taken the
cue from those boys in first grade. I don't yet have a body
to match my inner self. But that is going to change soon
too.
Brent has really been supportive. He encourages me to dress
as a woman as often as I can. I've started electrolysis on
my beard and I'm thinking seriously about going to a doctor
to get hormone therapy. I may be able to pass in public
soon. But that will come in time. What matters now is that
Brent enjoys me. I've discovered an entire new world of
sexuality with Brent. I'm anxious to get my body aligned
with my new self so I can enjoy it even more.
I went to see Dr. Stone today to see about getting a
prescription for hormones. He was very understanding. He
said that he has treated a few women like me and he thinks
that I might be quite presentable in six months or so. The
hormones will develop my breasts, smooth my skin and
hopefully give me the girlish curves I want so badly. He
didn't think I should do anything about facial surgery
before then and I'd have to live as a woman at least a year
before I'm ready for The Operation. But I'm certain that I
will do whatever it takes to get my body to match what I
feel like inside. He gave me a complete physical and we'll
be able to start as soon as he gets the results next week.
I can't wait.
I just received the most shocking news. I am stunned and I
cannot seem to come to grips with it. The lab report noted
that my chromosomes are XY. Dr. Stone assured me that the
results were correct. He called the lab and they confirmed
that they mixed up my original records. They were very
sorry if it caused any problems. Genetically I'm a man!
Author's note:
There is a documented medical condition in which genetic
female fetuses with XX chromosomes have an SRY protein
attached to one of their genes. The fetus develops as an
apparently normal male and the condition often remains
undiscovered until well into adulthood.
July, 2002
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