TGS The Little Toy Gun
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The Flip Gun free porn video
The Flip Gun
By Emma Smith
Saturday, 28 September 2002
Chapter 1
Once again I was interrupted in my work by a loud knocking
at the door. It's getting so a mad scientist can't concoct
his evil schemes in any kind of peace and quiet these days.
I unbolted the door, and opened it slowly. I always hoped
it would squeak ominously but it never did.
I tried to sound a lot menacing and a little mad. I didn't
quite get the menacing bit, or the little.
"Who disturbs my work at this ungodly hour?"
"It's three o clock in the afternoon?"
"Well, I'm a late riser. It goes with the stereotype."
"Doctor Fruitcake, it's the police." He showed me a badge.
Damn. I knew what this was about. I decided to bluff.
"You've got nothing on me copper. I haven't tried to take
over the world for at least two weeks."
"No, no! It's not that. It's about your robot."
"What's she done now?"
"She was in a bit of a punch up in the sales. Someone
grabbed a dress she wanted and they fought over it."
"That's my girl! Err, I mean I'm shocked to hear that. I
will speak to her most strongly about it. Goodbye." I tried
to close the door but there was a large police boot in the
way.
"Just a minute Doctor Crazy."
"Fruitcake." I corrected.
"Not on duty thanks. We're letting her off with a caution
this time but if you can't keep your robot under control
then we'll have to take both of you in."
"On what charge?"
"Your mechanical fashion addict has caused several
problems. Do you want to hear the charges so far?"
"Yeah, bring it on flatfoot. I ain't going down on no bum
rap you hear me man?"
"What?"
"Err. Yes thank you Mr Constable of the Law."
He started to read from his notebook in a monotone. "Breach
of the peace. Building a robot without due care and
attention. Programming the aforementioned robot with intent
to cause actual bodily harm."
"Bah!"
He continued, "Operating an unlicensed mechanical vehicle
in a public place, to whit said robot. Being drunk and
disorderly whilst in charge of a robot. Being a mad old
fraud with no scientific talent. I made the last one up but
the other charges are rock solid."
"Damn and curse you! I want a lawyer."
"Just one more thing. Have you seen this guy?" He produced
a photo.
"Damn again! That's my rival and evil arch nemesis Doctor
Annoying. Why do you ask? Not another attempt to take over
the world?"
"No, we caught him double parked."
"If I see him I'll tell him. Now please go away and leave
me to my work."
"Taking over the world again?"
"No, something else entirely today."
"Well Fruit Salad."
"Fruitcake! For God's sake!" I corrected him again.
"As I was saying. It's the police that normally have to
clean up after your evil schemes. I don't like your sort to
start with. Now stay out of trouble and watch that robot."
"Yes officer. I shall remember what you said."
This time he did leave and I managed to slam the door,
causing a rack of test tubes to leap into the air and smash
on the floor. Damn. It was going to be one of those days.
I was slightly disappointed with my robot. I thought once
I'd built it all my troubles would be over and it would
make me the world's best-dressed mad scientist.
Sadly it seemed to want to spend all its time in bars
chatting up men. When it wasn't doing that it was raiding
my wardrobe. I'd never been able to stop it taking my best
stuff. It was costing me a fortune in make-up too. It
wouldn't touch the cheap stuff; it was that damn
sophisticated program I gave it.
I called my new assistant in to clean up the mess. Ogir was
working out very well. Apparently he'd had to change his
name at some point after an embarrassing incident. He
wouldn't tell me what it used to be. I didn't press him on
it.
It seemed entirely appropriate that my assistant should
have a dark and mysterious secret. I hoped it wasn't
something trivial like being caught stealing laundry that
was hanging on a line. I'd got my first dress that way. I'd
got a sound beating as well when the woman caught me doing
it. Never mind. Must move on.
"What have you done now? Oh no! I only cleaned this carpet
yesterday. Sulphuric acid stains never come out you know."
He's always complaining. It's part of the assistant thing.
"I had a little accident. The police were here."
"Police?" He looked guilty. I made a note in my mental file
labelled 'blackmail victims'.
"Apparently our robotic companion has been punching
people."
"Ah. I'll get to work cleaning up."
Now I had another scheme. This time I wasn't going to take
over the world, this was better. I told my assistant about
it with great excitement.
"I'm pleased to announce that my latest invention is nearly
complete."
"Oh God! I mean hooray Doctor! What is it? The underwater
pinball machine?"
"Bah! A mere bagatelle."
"The nuclear toaster?"
"No, I had a little trouble with that one. People had
teething problems with it. The radiation made people's
teeth fall out."
"I give up."
"It's Fruitcakes Ultimate High Energy Regenderizing
Pistol." I shouted proudly.
"No, that's rubbish. It spells FUHERP. It'll never sell.
Trust me."
"What do you suggest then smart arse?"
"Well, what does it do?"
"It's capable of changing someone's sex."
"Right, why not call it the Flip Gun."
I stroked my chin and thought. "Hmm, that's not bad. We'll
try it."
"Do I get a bonus?"
"Yes. I have decided to promote you from assistant to
experiment."
He looked very pleased and clapped. "Oh goody. Is there any
more money?"
"Not exactly."
I picked up the gun from my workbench. It looked quite
impressive with all kinds of coils attached to it. It
really looked like a proper ray gun like in those great old
films.
I got the design from a movie I saw once where a mad
scientist made a super weapon and tried to take over the
world. I was very disappointed by the ending where he was
killed by an angry mob. It's so stereotypical. I haven't
been chased by a mob with torches for months. I never
should have gone to that Peace March and heckled them.
I pointed the gun at my assistant who was starting to
realise what I had meant. Before his brain had finished
adding it up I pulled the trigger. There was a loud
whizzing noise and a purple flash. The gun jumped in my
hand as I fired. I hadn't expected that. Maybe it needed a
bit more work?
"Have you got a license for that?" A voice said sweetly. It
was coming out of a cloud of purple smoke. Then she stepped
out of the cloud and coughed, politely.
I was very pleased! "It worked! I didn't get the plans
mixed up with the death ray after all." I shouted. The old
guy upstairs banged on the floor again. I'll have to fix
that stupid old codger sometime.
I looked my transformed assistant over. The shapeless lab
coat didn't suit her very well but the results were all
positive. She was pretty, quite attractive and poised. My
scheme was going to work. I had a little mad scientist evil
laugh. It was short lived.
"Well, " she said, "I think I need some new clothes. I
wonder where I can find them? Ooh, you have some nice
things don't you?"
"Oh no you don't! I'm not having two people stealing my
dresses."
"Got any better ideas? I hope you've got something nice in
a twelve. Black is in this season. I'm not wearing this
awful white coat a second longer."
She threw the lab coat down and stalked out. I was
horrified. I hadn't thought about that. Maybe the robot
could go do some shopping for her? Oh yeah, that worked
great last time didn't it?
Chapter 2
Now I had the Flip Gun working I needed only one more piece
of equipment to carry out my scheme. Fortunately I had just
finished this as well.
"Behold my Quantum Temporal Transfer and Relocation
Device." I shouted.
"Time Machine." a peeved voice shouted back from the
bedroom.
"Damn! I've already had the brass plaque done with QTTRD on
it."
It was a square shaped cabinet with lots of things attached
to it and it looked very impressive. I'd been stealing
parts for it from the local neighbourhood for ages. I was
particularly pleased with the traffic light on top
indicating the power level.
Ogir walked back into the room, somewhat over sexily I
thought. "So what's the plan Doc?"
"Doc?"
"Women can get away with informality, you silly old fool."
I started to get angry but her smile disarmed the comment.
"The plan my loyal, and frankly irritating, employee is
this. I use the time machine to go back to when I'm much
younger. Then I use the gun on myself so I'll turn into a
woman. So I'll grow up as a girl and have a normal life. I
might even get to kiss somebody." I turned red at the
thought. I also wished I'd kept quiet about the last bit.
"It's interesting."
"Interesting?" I asked pointedly.
"Well, mad."
"Of course it's mad! I'm Vice Chair of the Guild of Mad
Scientists. Okay so they had to have three recounts. I'm
not sensitive about it."
"What about the recounts?"
"So my cousin was the one counting the votes. It doesn't
bother me. Fine, so my opponent fell down the stairs the
week before the election. Nobody can prove anything!" I ran
down, realising I wasn't helping my case.
"When are you leaving?"
"Now. Calibrate the machine for when I was five. Let's make
it August 18th 1965."
"Right you are Doctor."
"It's pedal powered. Get to work."
All I needed to do was get my lazy assistant to hit over
eighty-eight revolutions per minute on the bicycle built
into the thing and I'd be away. Nothing could stop me now.
I climbed into the machine and waited for him, no her now,
to get pedalling. It took ages before any kind of speed had
been built up. Then I heard a noise as the power started to
accumulate. It grew louder; the traffic light started to
turn yellow.
There was a huge roaring noise and the outside world became
very hazy. It was going to work. Wait until I tell the
other mad scientists about this. Some of those idiots have
been trying to build one of these for years. The traffic
light went red and the world disappeared for a while
Chapter 3
After the Doctor left in his stupid machine I stopped
pedalling. I was worn out. I wish he'd told me he was going
to do that to me. I would have picked lower heels.
Maybe this is my big chance. No longer am I an ugly
deformed assistant to a demented scientist. I could use the
chance to get a career to suit my body change. I took out
the phone book and started to look through the list of
modelling agencies.
The robot returned. I could tell who it was by the way that
it kicked the door off the hinges instead of unlocking it.
We'd never been able to entirely fix that glitch.
"This unit has arrived at its nominal domestic location."
"In other words you're home."
"Correct. Who are you?"
"I'm the assistant to the old fool. I specialise in
translating gibberish."
"Clarify. Assistant has a non-optimal facial structure and
an unpleasant company ratio of 0.8, a telemarketing level.
You are moderately attractive and only rate 0.68 on the
social avoidance scale. That's only just into accountancy."
"There've been a few changes around here."
"I can see that. I want that dress back. I stole it from
him first."
"Just a minute."
I always argued with the robot and it seemed to be worse
now we were both women. What did she expect? I had to wear
something. There's no way I was going to wear my old stuff.
For one thing my old trousers kept falling down now I was
slimmer. For another thing this dress was great. I felt
sexy and seductive in it. It was a little intoxicating. I
must stop him changing me back too quickly.
"Where is the Doctor?" The robot asked.
"He's gone back in time."
"Time?"
"Yes. He's got some mad plan about changing his younger
self into a girl."
"But if he succeeds then he will not need me. If he doesn't
build me then I will never exist. This cannot be allowed."
"What are you going to do?"
"I am going to go back in time and stop him. I will need a
suitable alias."
The robot grabbed the phone book from me and flicked
through it. It stopped on a page and she put her finger on
a name.
"Right. For this mission you can call me Netta Sky."
"You're going back in time to save Netta Sky? That sounds
exactly like a famous film I saw."
"You mean?" The robot asked significantly.
"Yeah. 'Die Human Scum' by Alan Smithee. He's one of my
favourite directors. I've seen all his films. I think I
have a tape here somewhere." I started to look for it.
"There is no time. I must join the Doctor in the past. How
does this machine function?"
"It's pedal powered. No hang on. I'm not going through that
again. Pedalling is way too much work."
"I think you will do it."
"Why?"
"Because I have deduced your secret. I will tell the police
unless you help me."
"Okay, get in the damn machine. At least all this exercise
is helping my figure."
The robot climbed in and I started to pedal. Everything
happened as before. When it was done the machine was empty
again.
Then I realised that the Doctor had made another stupid
mistake. Normally in films the time machine goes back in
time with the person. His machine was still here. Now he
was stranded in 1965. But so was the robot. I looked in the
fridge in case there was some champagne ready to drink.
There wasn't so I settled for milk.
I had to celebrate somehow. I'd got rid of that skirt
swiping junk pile and I was going to stay female. I was
suddenly very happy. I grabbed the phone book and looked
for the section listing eligible millionaire bachelors. I
couldn't find one. I called my mother instead.
"Hi, it's me. That mad scientist has kind of like turned me
into a girl for some reason. It's a bit unexpected."
"Mumble."
"Well I know. Maybe I can sue him for negligence to pay for
my negligees but he doesn't have much money anyway. I
really wanted some advice from you."
"Mumble."
"No, not that sort of advice. What I want to know is where
can I find a rich, idle, eligible man?"
"Mumble."
"It can't be a CEO, they're all in prison for fraud."
"Mumble."
"A playboy you say? To fly me by private jet to a private
island for a three-month holiday in the sun? Sounds ideal,
where do I sign?"
"Mumble."
"Oh, I have to chase him down and floor him with my
seductive charms. That's a good idea. I'm off hunting.
Bye."
I put the phone down and ran into the bedroom to freshen
myself up. It's a hard life being a mad scientist's
assistant. I hadn't had a three-day holiday this year. Now
I could get a three-month one by pretending to like a rich
guy? There's something fundamentally screwy about this
planet.
Chapter 4
When the mist before my eyes cleared I found I was back in
1965, and it wasn't even in black and white. I did a little
dance of triumph. This was unprecedented territory. Two of
my inventions had worked in the same day. Nobody even
slightly injured either. There's no sign of an angry mob
and nobody holding a torch. Maybe my luck is changing?
All I had to do now was find myself and zap myself with the
gun. Then I could go back by stepping into the time
machine. Ah. No it isn't here. It must still be up in the
future. So that means that after some intense consideration
it's time to totally panic and freak out.
"Oh my God! I'm stuck in the past!" I shouted. I ran up and
down waving my gun and screaming. After a couple of minutes
I realised that a small crowd of people had gathered. The
mad scientist self-protection instinct kicked in as I felt
the mob forming. I stopped running.
"Hi. Now I've got your attention I'd like to tell you about
our new product." That should work I thought.
"Damn, fooled again." This was one of the murmurs I heard
as the crowd dispersed itself.
I managed to calm my self down. A quick drink from the
flask I always carry for medical emergencies helped with
this.
On the walk across town I took in many familiar places. I
walked past the set of railings I'd got my head stuck in
when I was a kid. I remembered the street that the first
gang of townspeople chased me down. I saw the school where
stupid people first bullied me. I passed the remains of the
original school destroyed by one of my early experiments.
It was all coming back to me. Those were the good old days.
Despair filled me. It hardly made you look forward to the
bad new days.
I stood across the street from my old house and studied the
situation. I could see a small child sitting out in the
garden playing with his chemistry set. That would be me. I
felt a chill as I realised what it meant. I readied the
gun. This will be too easy. A genius like me deserves
better challenges. I took careful aim, and then I heard a
shout from inside the house.
"Otto! Come in here and untie your brother!" The voice
demanded.
"Yes mother." The child got up and ran into the house.
"Damn, I almost had myself there." I said.
"Talking to yourself? Are you mad?" Said a new voice.
I turned around and saw an old man with a walking stick. I
quickly put the gun behind my back.
"Yes, I'm completely mad. I have proof."
"Why are you watching that house?"
"I'm a secret agent. We think the enemy is in there. Damn,
now I have to kill you. You know too much."
I took the gun from behind my back and pointed it at him.
He hit me with his stick and I went down. When I got up
again he was nowhere to be seen. This made yet another
embarrassing encounter to add to my collection.
I went round the back of the house and started to climb the
tree. I knew I would be in my bedroom after being told off.
So all I had to do was get up there and use the gun. I've
never been much good at heights so I did it carefully.
Soon I was perched on a high branch watching through the
window. I saw my younger self walk into the room.
"Aha!" I shouted and pointed the Flip Gun at me.
"Come down from the tree Doctor!" Someone shouted at me
from below.
I lost my footing and fell out of the tree. I flailed at
branches as I went down and managed to break my fall
somewhat. I was sitting on a very familiar robot; she had
also helped to break my fall.
"Curses, you ruined my plan!"
"I cannot allow this Doctor. If you succeed then I will not
be built. I must stop you."
"No! Get away from me!"
I started to run away. This wasn't very clever; the robot
could do over forty miles per hour. It followed me closely.
Again I started to shout and rant.
"Help! Help! I'm being chased by an evil robot who wants to
stop me turning myself into a woman."
Funnily enough nobody seemed to take this complaint very
seriously. Several people pointed at me and laughed but
they stopped when I pointed the gun at them. I heard a
noise and saw a police car approaching. I dived down a side
alley and hid until the danger had past. At least I'd lost
the robot.
I pulled an old piece of chalk from my pocket and tried to
draw a diagram of my situation. Yes, that was it. The
picture of an old style outside toilet with a sign on it
saying 'you are here' took me about five minutes.
So the robot was here too. She can't hurt me though because
that would also stop her being built. She just has to make
sure I don't get to use the gun. I have to get back and
find myself without her knowing.
As a veteran watcher of television I knew what would work.
I'd pretend to be making a delivery. It had worked in over
two hundred episodes of just one series I'd seen.
I scrabbled around in the junk strewn about the alley and
found a cardboard box. That would be ideal as a prop. Some
minutes later I was knocking on the front door of the
house.
"Special delivery for young Mr Otto!" I called through the
letterbox. A woman opened it and looked at me suspiciously.
"What is it now? He's always ordering stupid gadgets for
his mad experiments?"
"I don't know Ma'am. I'm just the delivery boy. I'd have no
idea what a stabilised flux capacitor is if you asked me?"
"What's a what?" She looked baffled.
"I couldn't even begin to tell you about parametric
amplifiers. I've never heard of them you see."
"Err?"
"And don't ask me why he needs all those non linear
components. I think he could use some advice from an
expert. I think I could improve his design efficiency by
thirty percent." I realised that I had completely blown my
cover. Bah!
"Never mind. I'm going now. I left the package back at the
depot." I told her.
I threw the empty box away and pulled the door shut. I
walked away berating myself. Damn, betrayed by my own
incredible genius yet again. Why do things always go wrong?
Chapter 5
Having retreated to the alley it was time for another plan.
I needed an idea and fast. I suppose I could wait until he
comes out again but the robot must be around somewhere. I
may not have that long.
I went to the back of the house. Maybe I could attract his
attention. I threw stones at the window to try and make him
open it and lean out. I threw several. They bounced off the
window and nothing else happened. I picked up a slightly
bigger one and flung it hard. There was a very loud crash
as the window smashed. I heard the front door of the house
open.
"Damn!"
I started to run again, straight back to my temporary home
in the alley. There is nothing else for it. I'm going to
have to camp out here for the night and get him on his way
to school tomorrow.
I vaguely remembered getting in trouble once for breaking
my bedroom window. I'd sworn it wasn't me but they didn't
believe me. Now I know what really happened.
I made a makeshift bed from some cardboard boxes and
settled down to try and get some rest. I clutched the gun
to my body tightly.
I woke well before dawn to hear someone prowling around.
"Come on out Doctor. You can't hide forever."
I hid myself as best as I could. Luckily I hadn't given the
stupid thing infra red vision and it didn't find me.
Eventually it went away.
Now I managed to get back to sleep. I had all sorts of
strange dreams. In one I was being chased down the street
by an angry mob. I woke myself up from that one. Then I
slept again and this time I dreamt of being chased down the
street by my robot. Oh marvellous. It was theme dream
night. The next time I wasn't being chased. I was in my lab
finishing the invention that would make me happy and rich.
Then I dropped it and it smashed to bits. I woke up again.
By morning I'd counted twenty-seven dreams. In twenty-six
of them I'd suffered some terrible failure. In the other
I'd suffered a horrible failure.
Soon after dawn, fed up of annoying dreams. I crept out of
the alleyway to take up my position. I'd get me this time.
Nobody is going to stop me.
At eight o' clock precisely the door opened and the kid
came out. He was carrying a satchel and looked pretty
unhappy for some reason. I waited for him to go past me,
and then I followed him.
I pulled the gun and pointed it at him. Something leapt
over the fence and grabbed the gun from me.
"You!" I snarled.
I wrestled with the robot and managed to get the gun back.
I pointed it at the kid again and pulled the trigger. There
was a very quiet noise and nothing very much happening.
"Curses! I knew I should have paid the extra for alkaline
batteries."
I had some spares but the robot had grabbed me again and
was restraining me. I sank to the floor. It had all gone
wrong again.
"Doctor."
"Yes. You got me. I'm coming quietly."
"In twenty three seconds we will be returned to our own
time. You have failed. Netta Sky is safe."
"Who?" I was really confused now.
I was even more confused when the mist descended on me
again. When it cleared I was back in the lab.
Chapter 6
I came round again. The two women looked at me in a
concerned way, then at each other and nodded.
"How did I get back here? I thought I was struck."
"How many bad films have you watched?" The robot asked me
"They should have told you it takes energy to remain in the
past. When it ran out you snapped straight back here, where
you started."
"Curses. I should have expected that."
I banged my fist on the wall. It hurt. I shouted in pain.
"How could you do this to me?" I asked the robot. "And you
Ogir? What about professional loyalty?"
"I quit," she said. "I don't need this job any more. Not
now I've joined the nobility. I'm engaged to be married to
a hunky rich playboy." She flashed a ring at me with an
enormous diamond, "You can call me Olga or My Lady."
"But I need to change you back."
"You can't. There was a little accident with your gun, it
didn't quite make the time shift."
I looked over in the corner of the room at a sorry pile of
bits with a baseball bat sticking out of it.
"Accident?"
"Yes. Funny things these quantum dimensional transfers."
Olga said smugly.
"Bah! I'll never be able to build another one. You just
can't get the parts."
"Oh dear? Then nothing can stop me marrying Lord Richard.
He has the hots for my sexy little body."
"And you've got the hots for his sexy big..."
"Wallet, yes Doctor. What else?" She said, even more
smugly.
I fell on the floor and wept. I beat my arms on the ground
and cried out in frustration.
"It's not fair! All I wanted was to go back in time and
change myself into a woman. Then come back here, destroy
civilisation and take over the world. Is that really too
much to ask?"
"Yes!" They chorused.
"Bah!"
I carried on beating the ground for a while. Then the girls
grabbed me, each taking one arm. They dragged me into the
bedroom.
"Come on we need to get you ready." Said the robot.
"Yes. I need to introduce you to my Fianc?. It looks like
I'm going to be short of bridesmaids and you're in." Olga
said.
"Yes Doctor, we shall pretty you up for this. It seems only
fair." The robot said.
What else could I do? I let them make me over. Of course I
enjoyed it. What cross-dressing mad scientist wouldn't?
At least if she got married there'd only be the robot
stealing my wardrobe. Three is definitely a crowd in this
context.
I'd need another assistant as well. I must put an advert in
the newsagents' windows again. "Assistant Wanted. Must be
unprincipled and ambitious. Previous experience of taking
over the world would be useful. Carpet cleaning knowledge
also beneficial. Apply Dr O. Fruitcake."
I wondered why I hadn't just used the gun on myself in the
first place as soon as I'd built it. That would be too
simple. I told myself contemptuously. It wouldn't have even
needed a time machine or anything. Hardly a complicated
enough plan for a genius. Sometimes I'm just too clever for
words.
The End
Note: I couldn't leave this story without paying tribute to
the great cinematic works of the underrated director Alan
Smithee. His films have given me a great deal of pleasure
over many years. Anyone who is interested may wish to check
out the Alan Smithee Homepage for more information on the
man and his works.
Angelica
- 11.01.2022
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