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Closure by Ray Kitten Steven Chapman settled into his seat at the back of the bus, tucking his shoulder bag at his feet and laying his jacket on the isle seat beside him. For the next several minutes people shuffled onto the bus, there were few enough people so that anyone who wanted it had an empty seat beside them. Once everyone had settled in they awaited the arrival of the driver. Steven slipped his headphones over his ears and opened his CD player, placing a CD from his carrying case in it. Then he closed the player and the home recorded disk entitled 'Girl Mix 1' began to spin. As Steven listened to Madonna's 'What it Feels Like For a Girl' the driver finally took his place and eased the bus out of the depot. Once they were on the road the driver went through his introductions, between the end of the first song and the beginning of the next Steven caught, "... name is Earl and I'll be your driver all the way to Vancouver, for those of you continuing on..." At that point Earl was overpowered by the smoky, smooth tones of Lou Reed urging Steven to 'Take a Walk on the Wild Side.' This was going to be a long trip, 17 hours and a bit, over 1,100 Kilometers. It was already dark outside so Steven turned on his overhead light to do some reading. He took a thick sheaf of printed sheets of paper out of his shoulder bag, the first was a copy of an e-mail he had received almost a month ago. From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Subject: Papers Hello, I'll dispense with pleasantries, we'll deal with those at a later date. I am going to be consulting on a case in Vancouver on the 14th, let me know if you want to get the divorce finalized then. I will provide a bus ticket here and a room at the hotel where I will be staying. HOWEVER, only contact me if you are serious about resolving the past issues between us. Attached to this was her next e-mail giving him the holding number of his ticket and the hotel she would be staying at. Aside from those two sheets, the rest of the paper were stories Steve had printed from the Internet. He had been sure to bring plenty of reading material, best to keep his mind from wandering and growing nervous. He started with a favorite of his, "Consequences" by a writer going under the name of Anyport. By the time Steven decided to turn out the overhead light and pull his coat over him like a blanket, he had already read the story all the way through. It was an effort to find sleep but eventually he managed to slumber, the sounds of Greenday performing, 'King for a Day' filtering into his head. --- Eleanor sat at her desk, her 7th grade text open in front of her as the little radio beside her played the new Michael Jackson song, "Billie Jean". She held her pencil limply and pointedly ignored her homework, lost in thought. Steve Check watched his baby-sitter through the crack in her bedroom door. She was two years older than he was, she seemed so grown up and sophisticated, almost a woman. Steve admired her legs, which were left bare, as the hem of her skirt rode up slightly because of how she was sitting. She was developing the soft curves of a teenager, nothing like the girls in his class. Her shirt hung loose in the front as she leaned over her desk, her now developing breasts were hidden by the drape of the material. Steve found something about Eleanor made him feel funny in a good way, he especially liked to look at her legs. He stood there in the hall watching her as she coolly sat there taunting her homework. She was a teenager, she didn't have to do it if she didn't want to. She could just sit there and not do it. As he stood absorbed in watching Eleanor, Steve felt something brush his leg as Cinnamon, Eleanor's tabby cat, pushed past him and barged into the room. Eleanor turned to greet her pet at the sound of the door swinging open and found a trembling Steve standing in the doorway, his face red at being caught peeping on her. Eleanor smiled and got up, Steve wanted to run back to the couch where he was supposed to be asleep but his legs seemed to have fused at the knees. Eleanor sat down on her bed, looking a little flushed herself, and patted beside her. Steve forced his legs to carry him forward to take the spot she had indicated. Eleanor placed her hand on Steve's shoulder, "You were watching me, weren't you Stevie?" Steve was so frightened he couldn't think to do anything but nod. "What were you hoping to see?" Steve shrugged and mumbled, "I dunno." "Do you like watching girls Stevie, do you think they're pretty?" Steve blushed but didn't respond. "Maybe not girls in your class maybe older girls?" Steve couldn't stop himself from nodding. "Are there any particular girls you like? Maybe a teacher, or an older sister of one of your friends?" Steve shuffled his feet and stared at the carpet, unable to meet Eleanor's face. He sucked his lower lip against the bottom of his upper teeth as he debated his answer. "Stevie," Eleanor asked when the boys silence dragged on, "Do you think I'm pretty?" Steve wanted to get up and run from the room but Eleanor's hand was like a lead weight on his shoulder. Steve choked back tears of embarrassment as he instead nodded again. Eleanor put her arm around Steve's shoulders hugging him against her side. "Stevie, it's okay." She offered him a tissue from her night table to dry his eyes. "Stevie, I want to tell you something, but you can't tell anyone, okay? You have to promise me, can you do that?" Steve was intrigued now, what could be so secret? Being eager to impress Eleanor Steve placed one had over his heart and held his other hand up like he had seen in court TV shows. "I promise Eleanor, I won't tell anyone, not even my mom." Eleanor smiled at him, "That's good, because I know you're a good kid, and I can trust you to keep your word. Stevie, do you know what a lesbian is?" Steve thought for a moment and shook his head. "You know how you feel when you look at a girl? You know how you want to hold her hand, maybe kiss her?" Steve wasn't sure about the rest but he knew he liked looking at Eleanor so he nodded. "Well sometimes there are girls who feel the same way about girls as you do. They are called lesbians." "Are you a lesbian Eleanor?" Steve guessed. "I think so Stevie." Steve wasn't sure how she could think she was a lesbian but not know but he didn't really understand it too much anyways. Steve thought for a minute, he knew some older boys, if Eleanor was a lesbian then she probably thought like them. Jimmy's older brother had a girlfriend, he took her to movies and dinner and then they drove down to the river valley. "Do you have a girlfriend Eleanor?" Now it was Eleanor's turn to blush, Steve saw it as she turned her head away embarrassed. "No, not yet." she said. "Is there a girl you like?" Steve found himself curious about this lesbian issue, he had never heard of anything like this. "What's she like?" Eleanor smiled and put her hand on Steve's head. She looked at him for a moment with a happy look on her face. "Her name is Amber." "Is Amber a lesbian too?" Now she looked sad, "I don't think so Stevie." Steve was crushed, he didn't want to make Eleanor unhappy. He wasn't sure what to do but he knew what his mom always did when he was sad, he gave Eleanor a hug. She smiled again and looked down at him, "You're such a sweet kid Stevie." Then she seemed to study Steve for a minute and she smiled even wider. "Stevie would you like to dance with me?" Steve's heart did backflips for joy. "I would like that, Eleanor." "Would you do something for me in return?" --- Steven stretched as he stepped out of the bathroom. It was morning now and the scenery was just flashing by as the bus sped along. He returned to his seat to do some more reading, this morning he felt like reading 'Story of Priss' by Linda Lafrance and after that an anonymous tale called 'Cherry Tree'. By the time he was done that the bus was within Vancouver limits. From there a city bus took him to the hotel. The lobby had a tall ceiling with a second story area overlooking it, like many other hotels he had seen. He took his suitcase and walked up to the counter, "Steven Chapman, I have a reservation." The girl typed some keys on the computer and then assigned him his room number. She handed him his keycard as well as a message that she said had been left for him. Once Steven had his suitcase in his room he unfolded the paper he had received. It read, 'meet me in the hotel restaurant at 3:00'. Steven glanced at his watch, damn it, it was already 3:10. He ran out of his room, grateful for modern technology which meant he didn't have to stop to lock it. He caught the elevator to the first floor and from there he hurriedly walked to the commerce area of the hotel. Once he was there locating the restaurant was easy. Steven was shown to the table where his soon-to-be-ex-wife was waiting. "Sorry I'm late," he apologized as he slid into his chair across from her. "I just got in." Susan was likely on a break from her consultation as she looked professional to a standard. Her skirt suit gave an aura of being crisp and capable without resorting to wearing a man's suit and risking coming across as hostile. Not that looking hostile was a bad thing if Susan was prosecuting, but today she was only a consultant. "Hello Steven. I don't have much time so I'll be brief, I've looked over the terms of the divorce and am willing to finally put this matter to rest, however there is one matter which needs to be resolved." Steven felt decidedly nervous, what could she want that she had to bring him all the way here? Any proposed changes to the divorce papers could be handled through his lawyer, what matter did Susan feel was important enough that she had to bring him over a thousand Kilometers, or 650 miles for his now Americanized ex-spouse. "If you've read it then you realize I'm not after your money. All I want is the house in St. Albert. I grew up there it belonged to my parents." It still seemed odd to Steven to refer to his parents in the past tense. He was barely thirty, too young to have no living parents. Too young to have a failed marriage either, so perhaps things were not so odd as he thought. "I don't care about the house. I spend most of my time in Denver these days." Steven sighed, "I do miss the mountain air, but it just didn't feel like home." "Steven what I want is simple, I want to meet the woman who ruined our marriage." Steven stammered, "I... impossible... she's... I didn't bring her." Susan took Steven's hands which were waving around in a flustered manner. "Steven, I can tie this up in court for years, It's what I do for a living. I know you want this to be done with so that you can remarry, and I have no ill will toward your new wife. I just want to meet Carol, now I know you can arrange it." Steven felt heavy, weighed down with a burden the likes of which he hadn't felt since he had finally confessed his secret life to his mother, after his step-father had passed away. "Susan, I can't..." "Steven, I think I am entitled to this. Carol drove us apart and I've never even really met her, unless you count her screaming and locking herself in the bathroom in her underwear. I want closure as much as you do, and I can't get it until I have looked Carol in the eyes and said what I have to say." "Say it now Susan. Say it to me." "No Steven, I said what I had to say to you in 2002, I have to say this to Carol. If she can't face me then I won't be able to let go." Steven took a deep breath, somewhere in the back of his mind he hadn't been surprised at what she had said, but that part forgot to tell the rest of his brain. "When?" Susan smiled, "Dinner tonight." she handed Steven a stack of papers, "This should help." --- Steve closed the door and locked it behind him. His mom and Mr. Chapman were both at work tonight, that left him and his new step sister alone until at least 8:00. Steve had eagerly accepted Eleanor as his sister, but still couldn't bring himself to call her father dad. He had gotten over the crush on Eleanor from when their parents were dating and she had baby-sat him, but now they were closer than ever. Steve was always home before Eleanor now, she was in high school and had a much further walk. Steve decided to use the time till she got home in the best way he knew how, he scampered excitedly up to Eleanor's room, kicking his shoes off in the middle of the living room. Steve went immediately to Eleanor's dresser and opened the drawer that was set aside for him. Fortunately he had grown enough to have caught up with Eleanor in size. When she had first convinced him to dress as a girl her clothing had hung on him, too big, but now it fit almost perfectly. He dreaded the day he would finally outgrow her clothes. Steve had started wearing a dress while they danced together, Eleanor pretending Steve was in fact a girl, and Steve pretending Eleanor was his girlfriend. Eventually Eleanor had actually started dating Amber discretely and she hadn't needed Carol, Steve's alter ego. After a while, though, Steve found he had missed being Carol. He missed the ethereal swirl of a dress as he glided delicately across the room. He had started sneaking into Eleanor's room while she was out and dressing up in her clothes, but it was only the third time he'd had the opportunity to reinvent Carol that Eleanor had come to him asking if he had been in her clothes. Steve broke down right there and sobbed his story out to Eleanor, about how he missed being pretty, how he missed being Carol. From then on Eleanor had the sister she had always wanted. They had been careful to keep the secret from their parents, just as they had been careful to keep the secret of Eleanor and Amber's relationship. Now instead of just dressing to dance, Steve had a whole range of girlie experiences. Coordinating outfits, learning to do his own make-up, even a private slumber party once where they dressed in their nighties and stayed up all night taking, and giving each other make-overs. From that day on, whenever they were home alone Steve was nowhere to be found, in his place was Carol. Eleanor allowed her new sister nearly free reign over her closet and had even bought her new sister a couple of new sets of underwear that were all hers. That was what Steve was after in the drawer, his favorite bra and panty set. It was silky and pale pink and, although the shape wasn't as revealing as the more exotic styles that Eleanor now wore, they agreed these were more suitable a 'girl' of Carol's age. Slowly Steve disappeared and Carol emerged from her hiding place behind the fair features of his face. Carol was expecting Eleanor to arrive any moment during the entire time she was selecting her outfit. She eventually decided on a knee length denim skirt and a white tank top with a picture of an angel crossing her fingers behind her back and a forked tail under her robes. When Eleanor hadn't arrived by the time Carol started to use a curling iron to give some style to her shoulder length hair she thought it odd. By the time Carol had done her make-up she was starting to get worried that Eleanor still wasn't home. Carol went to the closet and took the final accessory for her outfit, a pair of black boots with 3" heels that she had bought on sale, unfortunately that was one area where she couldn't raid her sister's wardrobe, Carol's feet were just too wide. Once the zippers were done up to the top, which struck Carol mid-calf, Carol decided to calm her concerns about Eleanor with an illicit pleasure. She crept downstairs and into the basement. She couldn't help but feel out of place here, this was the domain of Mr. Chapman. However, Carol knew of one very important thing down here. On the shelf was on old coffee can. Carol blew on her fingers to ensure her nail polish was dry before handling the can. She pried off the plastic lid and poured the screws inside into an old paint tray until she found what she was looking for underneath it all. A metal Cigarette container, mom thought Mr. Chapman had quit smoking but he had just gotten more cautious about it. It seemed like everyone in this house had something to hide except mom. Carol opened the tin and withdrew one, then she replaced the tin and buried it under screws before placing the tin back on the shelf. Carol then retreated to the bathroom to smoke the stolen cigarette, turning on the fan as she entered. She took the lighter that was tucked into the drawer along with the emergency candles in case of a power failure and lit the cigarette. Carol lifted herself to sit sideways atop the counter that housed the sink and stretched her legs out until they touched the wall. Carol stared into the mirror, admiring the reflection of the pretty young girl she found there. She particularly admired her slender legs, still thankfully unmarked by the hair of manhood. The few stray follicles that occasionally cropped up were soon done away with courtesy of mom's razor. Carol raised the cigarette to her slick lips and sucked gently, drawing in the smoke and watching herself in the mirror. She had been fascinated for some time now with the image of a beautiful girl with her colored lips pursed around a cigarette. The image wasn't diminished at all that the girl in this case was herself. Carol turned her head to blow the cloud of smoke directly at the fan which would pull it outside. She paused a minute to gaze at the butt of the cigarette, tainted pink from her lipstick. Carol smoked nearly the whole cigarette before she finally heard the sound of the front door closing, Eleanor was finally home. Carol flushed the remnants of the cigarette down the toilet and sprayed some air freshener to cover the smell before she made her way to the door. Eleanor was already coming up the stairs when Carol came out. "What took you so long? I was starting to worry." Eleanor had a look on her face like she had just been slapped, repeatedly. "Let's go downstairs and talk." Soon the two 'sisters' were sitting in the living room with the curtains drawn Eleanor folded her hands in her lap, looking as though she desired nothing more than for the world to crack open and swallow her whole. "Amber won't be coming around anymore." Carol's annoyance washed out of her and she put her arm on Eleanor's shoulder, reversing their positions of three years prior. Carol was now the comforting one and Eleanor the frightened. Once Eleanor had cried her grief out on Carol's shoulder Carol ventured to ask what happened. "She said that if I wanted to go to the spring dance with Derrick Mason she wouldn't stop me, but I had to choose." Carol stroked her sister's hair lovingly as Eleanor lay her head against Carol's chest. "I'm sorry." While Eleanor sobbed, Carol thought about the situation. When Eleanor started to realize that maybe she liked guys after all, she had sought and hoped for acceptance from her girlfriend. That was the furthest thing from what she got. That day Carol realized what the truth could do to people and the value of a polite lie. She made a vow that if Steve ever wanted to marry she would take care to keep herself out of the picture. --- Steven gave a sudden thrash as he woke up. Warm water splashed, some of it spilling onto the floor of the hotel bathroom. It took him a moment to place his surroundings. He had fallen asleep in the bath after a day of preparing for Carol to have dinner with his soon to be ex-wife. He had dreamed while he slept about the upcoming dinner. In his dream Susan had arrived with her new boyfriend, she had brought him along to laugh at her ex-husband. A scene of terror had followed with Susan ripping the wig from Carol's head leaving him to flee, trapped between persona's; half Steve, half Carol. The entire restaurant had chased after, laughing at the freak that ran. Steven lay back and let the water wash over his face. He had definitely read too many Internet stories lately. Far too many of them ended in situations like that, where the woman completely emasculated the unfortunate crossdresser. As he climbed from the tub and toweled dry he reassured himself that it was simply his nervousness at play with his subconscious mind. Once he was dry Steven dusted his body with a scented powder, marveling at the smoothness, courtesy of a salon Susan had recommended. Steven had never been waxed before and now that he had he didn't really understand why movies seemed to make such a big deal about it. It was certainly worth the little bit of pain for the seductive smoothness of his legs. Steven went out to main room, where he had laid out his afternoon's purchases. Perhaps it was good that Susan had never accepted Carol, it would have been very easy to grow pampered with the kind of money she earned. She had given Steven more money than he had ever spent on Carol before. In a way it made him nervous that this meeting was that important to her. "No sense worrying about what can't be avoided," Steven told himself and started to dress for dinner. He began with a set of genuine silk lingerie, a bra and panty set in black with lace with a matching garter belt. His breast forms were still at home but he made do as best he could with a set of cheap substitutes from a costume shop. Intended for guys out for a gag they were a little bigger than what he usually used but he managed to squeeze them into the bra. By the time the lingerie was on Steven had started to think of himself as Carol again. The dress she had bought was absolutely gorgeous, black and sleeveless but modestly cut at the neckline. The skirt was ankle length but had a side slit which showed a delightful glimpse of leg. It fit Carol perfectly, but she had known it would. The store owner had encouraged Steven to try it on with all the padding in place before he had decided on a style. Then Carol donned her new wig, she had never been a blonde before but since Susan had provided enough money for a top quality wig Steven had felt adventurous. The style fell to Carol's shoulders and was slightly feathered, giving a very versatile look. It was long enough - and expensive enough - to be stylable, but not so long that it restricted which styles she could create too drastically. For tonight she left it down and loose, which suited her new dress very well. Then Carol draped a cloth over her dress and opened up the fabulous make-up selection she had acquired, all of it expertly matched to her specific skin tone and taste in colors. She set to work selecting each shade carefully, applying every tip and trick she had learned from her years of copying Eleanor and from countless women's magazines. The process of slowly erasing Steven from sight took a couple of hours, but by the time she was done Carol bore only the slightest resemblance to her masculine alter-ego. This was not to say she appeared unreadably female however, merely that recognizing her from her male self was quite a task for someone who didn't know either Steven or Carol extremely well. Finally presentable, Carol phoned for a taxi in her best feminine voice and made a last minute inspection of herself while she waited. Everything met with approval, just a slight adjustment of the wig and then she went down to the lobby. She didn't have to wait long before a taxi arrived and she walked out to it, listening to the click of the sidewalk under her 3" heels. The cab ride to the restaurant was mercifully brief and fortunately the driver didn't try to make conversation. Carol found herself starting to worry again during the short trip, she knew that the situation she had dreamed was almost impossibly unlikely, but having to go as Carol to meet with Susan was a frightening prospect. What reason could she have for being so insistent on it being Carol that met her, what could make it worth the hundreds of dollars it had cost her to have Carol there? She took her mind off the topic by checking her make-up again with her compact from her purse. That passed the last of the time until she arrived at the hotel. Carol paid the driver and went inside. She tried not to chew nervously on her lip as she entered, the maitre d' smiled as she approached. Did she pass from a distance or had he perhaps welcomed 'girls' like Carol before? As she got closer Carol decided it must be the latter because his expression did not darken as she came near. "Good evening Ma'am. Party?" Carol breathed deeply and concentrated on keeping her voice high and breathy which led to the most convincingly feminine tone she was capable of. "Chapman, two." The well dressed gentleman quickly scanned his list and then a second time. "I'm afraid I don't have a listing for that name, perhaps it's under another?" Carol felt her stomach flutter, "Relax girl," she told herself, "Try her maiden name before you panic." "Perhaps Greenwood?" The maitre d' scanned his list again and paused his finger partway down the column, "Ah yes, here we are. Your companion has not arrived yet but I will fetch someone to show you to your table." A young gentleman in his mid twenties responded and led Carol to a table set for two. Contrary to Carol's expectations, it was not tucked away in a dark corner out of sight but rather near the center of one side of the restaurant. Of course there was the odd glare of disgust but they were not the rule. Carol eased herself into the seat, sweeping her skirt before she sat and crossing her legs demurely as she had practiced in the privacy of her own home so many times. Carol had only been in public three times before and once to a Halloween party, where such things are expected and not thought of, and the other times to a local GLBT club. Being in 'neutral' territory made her feel more than a little nervous, she was struck by an odd craving for a cigarette despite having quit ten years prior. Finally Susan arrived, she was dressed in a beautiful deep blue gown, cut lower in the front than Carol's and decorated by a pattern in sparkles on the bust. In all their fighting over the last couple years Carol had forgotten just how beautiful Susan really was. Susan eased herself into the other chair opposite Carol, mirroring the gesture Carol had made when she sat down. It nevertheless occurred to Carol that Susan did it with a much simpler ease and grace; for her it was not a conscious act but a near autonomous function performed naturally. Their waiter took their order for a bottle of Chablis and departed to let them consider their dinner choices. Carol did not look at her menu right away, her eyes could not leave Susan's face. Despite her loveliness there was a deep sadness in her eyes. Carol took some small comfort from the absence of anger and hatred that had been there in 2002. "Hello Susan." Susan took a deep breath and swallowed hard. Her voice was weary and nearly cracking as she spoke, "Hello Carol, nice to meet you at last." Silence descended between them, neither sure what to say. Nothing seemed appropriate to Carol. Eventually she picked up her menu, they did not speak a word until their waiter brought their wine and took their orders for dinner. It was Susan who spoke first, her voice solid again but still hollow, "So how long have you known Steven?" Carol sipped her wine, "It started when Steven was a young boy, it was Eleanor that introduced us." The story was long, once she started Carol could not stop herself. She told Susan everything, how she didn't go away when Eleanor's interest in women faded and about Steven's expectation that after marriage Susan would replace Carol. She told Susan about seeing the beautiful outfits and sexy lingerie Susan wore and how much she wished that she could wear them. Then she told her about the day when it all became too much and she gave in to temptation, she went to the department store and purchased an entire outfit. It had been hard to keep Susan from noticing the shortage of money, but it had felt so wonderful, she felt free again after a long time. Carol was drawing the story to a close when the waiter brought dinner and, when he left both, parties allowed themselves to be distracted by their dinner, unsure where to go from here. Carol had never eaten in a public place en-femme before so she was overly careful to apply her daintiest manners perhaps trying too hard, but it was better than not trying at all. Finally out of the silence Susan spoke again, "I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing asking you here, I'm still not." Susan clearly regretted saying this as soon as it passed her lips, she stopped herself from saying more with a drink of wine. As she set the glass down Carol felt her eyes focusing on the imprint of lipstick on Susan's glass, and the identical mark on her own, they were even similar shades. "Why did you want to meet me here tonight?" Susan went for another drink of wine but Carol gently placed her hand on Susan's holding it to the table, "Susan?" Susan took another deep breath and held it a moment before exhaling. "I wanted to know you. You said it yourself, Steven expected that you would go away when he and I were married, but you were too strong a presence in his life for him to dismiss you." "I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Carol interjected. Susan was close to tears now, "I don't know if it would have mattered. I still would have made Steven chose between us, I couldn't accept this in a husband." Carol looked down at her food, aware that she only really wanted to avoid looking at the tears forming in Susan's eyes. "So we've met, now what?" "I couldn't have Steven as my husband, but perhaps Carol and I can be friends?" Surprise jerked Carol's gaze back to Susan's face, just in time to see her wipe away a tear. "That is if you can forgive me," Susan finished with a hopeful smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. Now Carol's eyes started to well with tears, "I would be lucky to have a friend like you." With that a mental weight that was years in building was lifted from them both, "Now let's eat the rest of this dinner before it gets cold." --- The next day, before Steven caught his bus back to Edmonton they went to a notary public and had the divorce papers finalized. In a fairly odd display for divorce they both smiled and when Susan offered a handshake Steven wrapped his arms around her and embraced his now ex-wife. "Thank you," he murmured. "I expect an invitation to the wedding," Susan said. "How about as a Maid of Honor?" "For who?" They both started giggling and laughed together the whole way out. THE END