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Never be Mine Belladonna As I walked back towards my Dorm after my class day ended, I saw Danielle walking towards her dorm. She smiled at me and that made me smile back. I thought the world of her. She was 4'10" with the skin of a china doll. Her face was the most beautiful I had ever seen, and it was perfectly framed with brown hair. I put my head down and walked on. I was too cowardly to ask her out. I always saw her around, but I knew I had no shot. She was perfect, and I had never even kissed a girl. The biggest sexual rush I got was by doing what I was doing that day. Nothing turned me on more than wearing my tights beneath my jeans. I'm not sure if it was the silky feeling of the tights on my legs or the ever present threat of exposure that excited me, but I loved it like nothing else. I walked up to my dorm room and placed my stuff down. I knew that my roommate was not supposed to be back for a few hours, so I decided that it was the perfect opportunity to unlock my special chest. I pulled it out of my closet and unlocked it. I reached into it and pulled out my maids' outfit and slipped it on. I loved how the hem looked against my white tights. I then reached in and grabbed my only pair of heels. They were a pair of black pumps, and I wore them whenever I could. I loved how they looked on women, and I could never understand how women could prefer flats. I also couldn't understand why the majority of women preferred pants to skirts. I stared at myself in the mirror for a moment. I realized that I really needed to buy a wig so that I would look a little more female above my neck. Still, I was proud of how girly I looked below my neck. I was slender man. I was also shorter than the average guy, and my legs were trim and nearly hairless. I grabbed a duster and started to do my chores in the dorm. When we first got paired together, I volunteered to do all the cleaning, and Steve volunteered to keep the place well stocked with beer. As I started to dust a table in the bedroom, I heard Steve enter. I closed the bedroom door and cursed the lack of a lock on it. I kicked off my shoes and started to pull of my dress when Steve opened the door. "What the hell, Julie?" Steve said as he stared at me before he started to laugh. "Uh..." "Look at the little pansy." "Uh...Steve. I was..." "Dressing up like little girls do." "Well..." "You like to play dress up, little girl", Steve continued in attempt to mock me as I pulled the dress back over me to cover the bulge in my tights that was strangely growing due to my increased humiliation. Steve moved towards his bed and kept laughing, "Let me explain" "Explain away, Julie." "Don't call me that!" I shouted as I cursed my mother in my head for giving me a name with such a ready female equivalent. "If the name fits, bitch!" As I tried to explain myself, I realized I was screwed. I wasn't a good enough liar to get myself out of it. I decided to come clean. "I like to dress like this from time to time." "Really?" Steve said with a laugh "I'm not gay." "You'd better not be!" "I'm not." "I know. I see the way you look at women, and even if you were you're so...", I could see him searching for the perfect biting word before he continued, "delicate that you can't do anything to me." I nodded. It was the truth said in a horribly humiliating way. I could never force myself on him. He could beat me up with one hand tied behind his back. "I'm going to change", I said. "No. Don't bother. I don't care. You don't have to hide it anymore when I'm around. I'm cool with it, so long as you keep it to yourself." "But what if..." "Don't worry about anything. I'll tell you if I'm bringing somebody by so you can change or make sure you're not dressed up. If that's what you want to wear around here, go ahead." "Thanks", I replied hoping that he'd keep my secret. Steve nodded and said, "I'm going out for a few hours. If I'm bringing anyone back here, I'll call you before hand. "Oh, and as long as you're dressed like that, I'd like this place to be cleaned up when I get back." I nodded. I figured that it was the least I could do, if he would keep my secret. A few hours after I finished cleaning up the place, Steve did call me. He told me that he was coming back with Amy. I quickly undressed and locked my girly clothes up in the trunk and placed it back in my closet. Amy and Steve came in a few minutes after I finished dressing in my normal clothes. They felt kind of drab after hours of wearing a pretty dress that felt good on my skin. I said hello to Amy. She was a beautiful woman and a nice one too. She was a tall, red head. She was slender always had a nice word to give. I always thought she was perfect for Steve, who was a tall man with a muscular build. She seemed to be the only one who could control him. Unfortunately, I knew Amy also had a dark side. She had many fights with Steve about her drug use. I knew that she had had an addiction to cocaine since her younger days in the under 21 clubs. Steve put up with it. She didn't spend his money on drugs. She spent her parents. Steve told me that Amy's mother was in denial and that her wealthy father was oblivious and would give Amy anything she wanted. I once asked Steve why he stayed with her. Their relationship was tempestuous at best. It was interesting for me to watch their highs and lows. Steve answered my question with the only answer I thought he'd give, "The angry make-up sex makes it all worth while." I decided to give them some privacy and left the dorm room for a few hours after Steve made a suggestion that I go see a movie. For the next few weeks everything went smoothly. I spent my time after class dressed up. With the exception of a crude remark or lame joke at my expense coming from Steve, Steve pretty much did not talk about how I dressed. It didn't bother me any that he made me act the part by doing all his laundry as well as all the cooking and cleaning. I found it somehow fun and saw it as an equal trade for being allowed to dress so prettily. I thought my secret was safe until Amy found a pair of tights in our laundry basket. Steve had asked her to grab a pair of pants for him. She went right into our laundry basket and saw my tights right beneath a pair of Steve's jeans. I heard screaming from the other room. "Whose are these?" Amy shouted. "Yours?" Steve asked hopefully. "I don't wear tights!" "Who did you have up here?" "No one. I swear", Steve yelled back in reply. At that moment I thought, 'Oh shit.' I realized that I might have picked them up off my floor with my jeans and absent mindedly put them in the laundry basket with my jeans. I ran over to my trunk and I looked in it and counted my pairs of tights. I was one short. I knew they were mine, and now I had confirmation. I knew what I had done. I had worn them to school the day before under my jeans, but I had never been so careless as to leave them outside of the bedroom. It must have been the sense of security I got from knowing that Steven knew my secret. However, I still couldn't believe that I had thrown them in there. I wash them by hand. There was no reason that they should have been in there. I cowered in my room as I heard them continue to shout in the adjoining room. "Why do you assume that they're from some girl I've been with? Did you ever think that maybe Jules had a girl here?" Steve asked Amy. "Oh, please. Who do you take me for? He couldn't get up the courage to ask for butter on his popcorn. There's no way in hell he's ever been with a girl!" Amy remark crushed me, although I knew she was right. I just didn't like hearing that kind of negative reinforcement. My head sunk low for a second until I heard Steve shout, "Fine! You're right they don't belong to a girl Jules has been with. They belong to Jules." My head shot up with that statement. I started to tremble and clutched at my shaking knees. He'd sold me out to save himself! I wanted to kill him, I wanted to cry, but all I did was shake. Any possible anger I felt at being outed as a cross dresser to Amy was more than overtaken by my fear of what Amy would tell others. After a pause, I heard Amy shout disbelievingly, "What?" "Jules wears them. They're his!" Steve shouted back as I winced. "Bull Shit!" Amy shrieked. I was momentarily relieved because she didn't buy it. She wouldn't tell anyone, and even if she did it would only be to disparage Steve as a liar. "Fine, you want proof. Jules, come out here", Steve shouted. I trembled at the sound of his voice. I wanted to not walk towards that door. I wanted to, but I knew the fight was caused by my own negligence. I felt that I needed to be a man for once in my life and take the hit, even if it wasn't for the manliest thing in the world. I looked at Steve and my stomach knotted. Suppressing the vomit in my throat I acknowledged him with a look. Amy looked at me and noticed my trepidation immediately. "Jules, are these yours?" Steve shouted at me as he held up my black, opaque pantyhose. I nodded weakly. Amy looked at me and shook her head. "Look at him" Amy shouted to Steve. "He'd say anything to help you, Steve. He's probably scared of you" "That's not true", Steve shouted. "Tell her the truth, Jules." I coughed several times before I could get out the words. I looked Amy in the eyes for a second, which was as long as I could manage before I said with a stutter, "He's telling the truth. They're mine. I wear them." "Right", Amy said as she rolled her eyes. "No. It's true. I wear them. I wear women's clothing all the time." "I'd like proof of that", Amy responded incredulously. Steve motioned his head towards the bedroom. I nodded. I reluctantly led her and Steve into the bedroom and opened up my trunk. She peered inside at the contents and looked at Steve. Steve nodded his head at her. Amy broke out laughing. "Oh, my god! That is so damn funny! How long have you been doing that, Julie?" "It's Jules", I managed to correct her. "I've been doing it regularly since Steve caught me dressed a few weeks ago." "He caught you?" "Yes." "Why did you keep this from me, Steve?" "It's a private thing." Amy nodded understandingly and then said, "So what did you find Julie in?" "A maids' outfit", Steve said with a smirk. "Oh, he must have looked precious", she said with a giggle. "I'd like to see that!" "That's okay", I responded. "No. No." Steve interjected. "She wants to see you dressed. Don't refuse her, or she might tell your secret." Amy smiled and nodded at me. I told them to leave the room, and I dressed in my maids' uniform and a pair of white tights. I walked out in front of them and Amy started to crack up laughing. After she got control of herself she said, "You look good for a guy. You definitely have got the right body. Don't get me wrong, you're obviously a guy, but you're definitely a girly guy." "Thanks", I muttered under my breath. "Don't take that wrong. I say with pride that I'm a girly girl...." Amy said before Steve interjected with "And I'm a manly man." "Yes. You are, baby. And you're so secure in it that you can live with a guy that is not manly", Amy remarked. "Thanks", Steve said proudly. She then stood up and said goodbye to Steve. I started to panic. I wondered if she was going to rush out and tell everyone about what she had found out. She walked up to me and kissed me on the cheek and whispered, "I'll never tell, Julie. You look darling." Steve then saw her out of the room. I thought my secret was safe, but then Steve caught Amy having sex with another man for cocaine only a few days later. Steve was in a fury and broke up with her on the spot. It was the right thing for him to do, but it filled me with fear. Now, the only reason Amy had to keep my secret was the kindness in her heart. She was kind, but I was afraid that she might have a desire to spite Steve. What better way than to say that he happily lives with a guy who parades around him dressed like a girl? For weeks, every time I'd walk outside and somebody looked at me the wrong way, I would think that Amy had told my secret. One day, as I was walking with Steve, I saw Danielle walk by. She was as stunningly beautiful as ever. She gave me a coy smile and stared up into my eyes. I was stunned by her beauty, and my stomach started to knot. Amy knew her. I realized that Amy must have told her. I was sure that she'd been told my secret. Steve saw some thought start to eat at me. I told Steve what had had happened. He laughed and said, "You wish. She was looking at me." "Really?" I asked hopefully. "Yes. And again, Amy won't tell. It's not in her. She's a bitch, but she's not like that", Steve said as the conflicting emotions he had about her were made clear in his voice. I shrugged my shoulders, and we continued to walk on. What he said made sense. I knew Amy was generally kindhearted. And as far as his explanation about Danielle, I thought it was plausible. Danielle was a little woman and Steve was a strapping man. She probably thought that she needed a big man to protect her. I was not surprised when I saw her again the next day. But I was surprised that she looked at me as she walked with her friend, Lisa. I saw Danielle whisper something to Lisa and snicker. At that moment, I knew that Amy must have told her. I put my head down and ran towards my dorm. I ran into Steve on the way back to the dorm. He told that I must have been hallucinating. I told him I was sane. He laughed at me and asked if I'd go to the pizza parlor with him. I had nothing better to do, so I went along. After we got our pizza, we sat in a booth. Shortly after we sat down, Danielle walked in with her friend, Lisa. Steve and I looked at her, and she said something to Lisa, which made them both giggle. Steve stood up and told me that he was going to talk to Lisa. I knew the two of them were friendly. I didn't think anything of it for a few seconds before I began to wonder if I had been set up. Maybe Amy didn't tell. Maybe Steve thought she would and decided to do it first to control perceptions. As Steve talked to them, Danielle and Lisa looked at me and giggled repeatedly. I slumped into my chair and ate my pizza. After a few minutes, Steve walked back to me and said, "Danielle and her boyfriend broke up." "Really?" I asked cheerfully. "Not a normal response", Steve said as he shook his head. "What is one?" "Oh, I'm so sorry for them, etc." "I didn't know her boyfriend", I said. "He was a dick", Steve responded. "How do you know?" "Unlike you, I talk to others." I laughed uncomfortably, and then he said, "I'm going to ask her out?" "Really?" I said, genuinely surprised. "Yes. She's perfect for me." "Why?" I asked as I tried to prevent him from realizing that I was jealous of his ability to just go up and ask someone out without fearing rejection. "She's pretty, good personality and a good rack." "Oh, I don't know if you're her type", I replied. "Oh, I am. I am every woman's type", He responded. I wanted to laugh because I knew he was wrong. I also kind of want to slug him for talking about her breasts in public. I was kind of protective of my dream girl. It's not like I ever had a shot at her, but I was still sort of protective of her. Steve looked at me and said, "I'm going to do it." "Go for it", I struggled to say. Steve walked over and started to talk to them. I looked at them and saw Lisa smile at me. I figured that he had sealed the deal. Instead he came over to me visibly disappointed. "How did it go?" I asked. I knew the answer already because how visibly disgruntled he was. He just shook his head and said, "What do you care? Let's finish and go." I rolled my eyes, and we finished our pizzas. By the time we left, Danielle and Lisa had already gone. Steve and I split up after we left the pizza parlor. He headed off somewhere, and I headed back to our dorm room. A few hours later, Steve came back to the dorm. He walked through the door with a plastic bag in his hand. I could tell something was wrong immediately. He stared at me as I cleaned the kitchen sink while I was dressed in my black maids' dress. He looked at me in a way that I had never seen him do before. He walked up to me as I walked towards the bathroom. He stood directly in front of me and said, "If you want to keep dressing like that, shave your legs!" What?" "You heard me!" "Why?" "Because I'm tired of coming in here and seeing you with your little bit of leg hair matted to your legs when you wear that see through shit." "I don't want to", I responded as my voice started to shake. He grabbed my wrists and pressed his body into mine. His strong hands clasped down on my slender wrists and I flinched because of the slight pain he was inflicting on me. He grinned at me and said, "You're going to shave your legs. In fact you're going to be hairless from your neck down. Do hear me?" I tried to free my hands from his grip while he stared down at me, indifferent to my suffering. I struggled to move away from him, but his 70 pound weight advantage and significantly longer arms left me at a disadvantage. I couldn't compete with him physically. He was a man's man, and I was hoping that I was not going to literally be a man's man because the looks he was giving me made me think that he was beginning to miss Amy too much to think straight. "Are you going to do it? Or am I going to have to make you?" My teeth started to chatter, and I nodded my head and said slowly, "I'll...I'll do...do... it." "Good", he remarked coldly as he released my wrists. He turned and reached into the plastic bag and pulled a lady's razor and shaving gel out. He placed them in my hands and said, "Go do it, now. I'll be inspecting you when you're done, so there had better not be a single hair beneath your head or I will not be happy!" I took the razor and gel into the shower. I stripped and stared down at my body for a second. I started the shower and stepped into it. I looked down at my body again as the water ran down me. I spread the gel on my skin and lathered it up. I then ran the razor first down my leg. I finished one leg and looked at the other. I compared them. My legs really weren't hairy to start with, so the difference wasn't as pronounced as I expected. I did the other leg and then turned to my chest and stomach. I shaved off the little hair that was there too. I raised my arm and put some gel from my finger tip in my armpit. I ran the razor through it. I then did the same for my other armpit. I then stared down at my smooth chest and looked at my crotch. I'd put it off for last. As I shaved up the area, I wondered why Steve wanted my skin smooth. As I watched the mass of hair pool around the drain, I prayed that he didn't want me. After I finished shaving, I let the water continue to run on me. I didn't want to face Steve. I was sure he wasn't gay. However, if he was as screwed up as he looked when came in, well, I knew that he might not be thinking straight. As I dried myself off, all I could think about was OZ. I was going to be prison raped in a dorm room, if my intuition was right. I was only slightly comforted to know that my intuition was almost always wrong. I wiped the condensation off the mirror and stared at myself as the image in the mirror became clearer. I gazed at my hairless body for a good 10 minutes. I ran my hand down my smooth body as I looked in the mirror. I didn't see a man it. I saw a glorified pre-teen boy. I cringed at the sight. I knew that I would have to wait until my hair grew back before I could even think about asking a girl out. I knew even then that that was just a convenient excuse for my cowardice towards girls. I slipped on a pair of hose and was amazed at how good they felt. That was the one benefit of losing my leg hair. The hose felt so much better on my skin without any hair there. I ran my hands up and down my legs and smiled. I looked at myself in the mirror as my member grew hard. I looked like a boy in pantyhose. I was kind of disappointed, but I was kind of hoping that Steve would think of me the way I did. I waited for my excitement to cease before I opened up the bathroom door. I called out to Steve who hurried into the bathroom. I started to sweat because of his haste. Steve looked me over. He stared at my legs and chest and told me to raise my arms. I did as he said, and he came in and looked closely at my armpits. He smiled as he caught a whiff of the flowery scent that the ladies shaving gel left on my skin. "You're one flowery smelling boy", he said to me. I nodded. I was just happy to hear him call me a boy. He grabbed my wrists and my momentary sense of relief was gone. He led me out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. I started to shake as he left me by the door. I looked to see if I had some clothes I could slip on quick in case I had to flee. He smiled at me wickedly and said in a mocking tone, "I've got a surprise for you." I reached for the bat that Steve kept behind his dresser. He opened up one of my dresser draws and said, "Take a look." I moved away from the bat and walked towards my dresser. I looked into it and saw that all of my pairs of pantyhose and tights were where my boxers and socks usually were. "Oh good one", I remarked after some hesitation. I then asked, "So where are my boxers and socks?" "I threw them out." "You what?" I shouted. "I got rid of them. You're not wearing them anymore." "But I like to wear them." "I don't want you to wear them anymore!" "But I do", he responded calmly. "But I don't" I shot back as I placed my hands on my hips. "I'm the man. I make the rules!" "Why would you even care what I wear?" I asked quickly. I was a little afraid of what his answer might be. He grinned in response. He lunged for me and I tried to move, but his reflexes were better than mine. He tossed me onto his bed and pinned me down. "Are you going to wear your little sissy hose, like you should?" He said as his face was situated a little more than 3 inches off of mine. "No!" "Really", he responded as he slowly moved off of me. I started to feel relieved. That was it, I needed to show him that I still had a little man in me. That he couldn't just boss me around like a child. Steve got of me and then hastily picked me up and tossed me back to the bed. I landed face first on the bed and he straddled my body. He shouted, "Do you like that?" "No!" "Then what are you going do?" "Nothing." "No. That won't do", he remarked before he climbed off of me and threw me over his knee. He slapped my buttocks viciously before I was able to muster any resistance. I cried out in pain and he shouted, "What are you going to do?" "I'm going to wear my tights and hose." "What type of hose?" He demanded to know. "Pantyhose", I cried out before he inflicted a less severe blow on my ass. "And when are you going to wear them?" "Whenever I need underwear!" "That's right!" He shouted before he tossed me to the floor. He caught the tears in my eyes when he turned to look at me because of the sound of my sniffles. "Oh, Julie. Don't cry", he said as he bent down and stroked my cheek. I pulled away from his hand, and he smiled. "You don't like my touch. Do you?" He asked. "No", I said weakly after a pause. "I was right about you." "What?" I asked. He shrugged his shoulders and picked up a bag from his closet. He looked down at me and said, "I'll be back later. I'm going to play basketball with some guys." I got up and sat on my bed. I had never been physically assaulted like that. I was afraid that he might come back and make a substitute for the services that Amy used to provide him. That thought was countered by my firm belief that he was completely heterosexual. He didn't seem desperate enough for a prison romance. When he finally came back, I realized that I was right. He didn't touch me. I had no idea why he acted the way he did, and he didn't repeat the performance when he returned. I guessed that he was just taking his stress out on me. Two days later, after my class day ended, I ran into Lisa as I walked back towards my dorm. I had never really talked to her, but she came up to me. I had no idea why at the time. She smiled and said, "I've got a secret for you." "Is it supposed to be a secret for me?" "No. My friend likes you." "What friend?" "Danielle." "Danielle! Danielle? Why would she...I mean has she given you a reason? Lisa laughed at me and said, "Yes. She said she's thought you were cute since she caught you playing in a band a while ago." I nodded. I had played in a band two years earlier. I remembered seeing her in the audience. Every time I saw her, I always made note of it. "Do you like her?" I nodded my head violently and said, "So she likes musicians?" "Yup!" 'Never underestimate the musician appeal', I thought to myself before I managed to say, "That's great." Lisa nodded and said goodbye. I said goodbye to her and headed back towards my dorm. As I walked back to my dorm, I was elated. I had the perfect opportunity to ask her out, but then I remembered that I was hairless and in hosiery. By the time I reached the door to my dorm room I had gone back and forth on whether to ask her out dozens of times. What if she saw my legs? That would be it. I had a 100 percent chance of not being shot down, but I couldn't take it. My fear of rejection was replaced by a fear of being exposed. A few minutes after I walked through the door, Steve came into the dorm room. I looked at him and told him about my situation with Danielle. He acted surprised. I then told him about how I lacked the courage to ask her out because of the changes that he demanded I make. That brought a fleeting smile to his face. I knew from that smile that he knew something. "Steve, what are you hiding?" "Nothing, Julie." "It's Jules. Don't call me that!" "Sorry, sweetheart", he responded with a smirk. I rolled my eyes and said, "What do you think I should do?" "I wouldn't ask her out if I were you." "Why?" "She'll find out about you in a second. You're hairless and only have tights and pantyhose to wear under your pants." "I'll stop that." "No, you won't." "Why not?" "Because I said so!" "Why do you care? Why would you want me to dress like..." His head perked up with my silence. "You knew!" I shouted. "Knew what?" "That she liked me. That's why you were upset. Because she liked me, and not you!" "No!" "It is." "You're right", he conceded calmly with a smile. "How could you do that to me?" I shouted. "She shouldn't be with you", he responded coolly. "Really, who do you thinks she should be with?" "A man. It'd be a waste to have girl like that to be with something like you." I was hurt. I bit my lip and shot back, "I am man." "Roll up your jeans and we'll see about that." "What you wear on your legs doesn't make you a man. It's in my genetics", I retorted as I felt a vein in my neck start to throb. "Being male doesn't make you a man. You need actions to be man. You don't have it. You're more of a cowering child." "I'll show you a man", I shouted. "I'll go and ask Danielle out." "No, you won't", Steve said as he rushed towards me. "Yes, I will." Steve grabbed me and threw me up against a wall. He pinned me up against it and shouted in my ear, "You won't ask her out!" "Yes I will", I retorted as he applied pressure to my chest. He kneed me in the thigh and I cried out. He laughed for a second before he leaned in and said, "Tell me you won't ask her out." "No", I retorted. He threw me to the floor and climbed on top of me. Steve pinned me to the floor and applied pressure to my testicles. I cried out in pain as he pressed down on them with his knee. He looked me dead in the eye and shouted, "Say that your sissy ass won't ask Danielle out." "I won't" "You won't what?" He shouted again as he pulled his knee up and dropped it back down on my testicles. "I won't ask her out" "What kind of ass do you have?" "A sissy one", I cried as he applied more pressure. "Now put it all together!" "My sissy ass, won't ask Danielle out!" "Good, sissy", he responded as he got off me. He laughed as I grabbed for my crotch. He looked at me as I lay in tears on the floor and smiled. He told me that he'd be back later that night. I nodded my head. I was happy to see him leave. I thought about hitting him with a bat when he came back, but I decided it wasn't worth getting expelled over. I also didn't want him to tell my secret, so my hands were really tied when it came to him. However, I wasn't ready to give up on Danielle. I would ask her out Monday at School. I thought that all I had to do was get through the weekend and she'd be mine. I couldn't wait for Monday to come. I didn't go out that night. Steve came in around two and crashed onto his bed, but we didn't exchange a word. I fell asleep soon thereafter. The next morning, I got up and headed out to get breakfast. I threw on a pair of white tights and a pair of jeans. As I walked towards a Dunkin Donuts that was not far from my dorm, I saw Lisa and Amanda. The two girls snickered as I walked past them. I was sure it was about Danielle's attraction to me. As I walked back from the Donut shop, I saw Amanda. She smiled at me and walked up to me and said, "Hi, I don't think you know me, but..." "I know who are", I interjected with a smile. She smirked and said, "I bet you want to get into my skirt." "What?" I reacted with shock. It was true, in more ways than one, but I didn't want Danielle's friend thinking that I thought about her friends in such a way. She smiled at my mortified expression. She grabbed my left wrists and ran her fingers on my smooth skin. I wanted to run before Amanda would ruin my chances with Danielle. I tried to speak, but she put a finger to my lip and whispered in my ear, "Steve showed me and Danielle, the pictures. You look lovely in a skirt." I stood there motionless. I was in shock. "Do you wear tights and pantyhose all the time?" she asked in a quiet voice. "I...uh...um..." She smiled at me and moved her foot towards mine. She used the tip of her shoe to pull my jean leg up. I stood motionless as she caught a glimpse of my white stockings. She giggled as she placed my leg down. I was mortified. I wanted to run towards the sump and hide in the low water. She leaned in and said, "You look good in white." I struggled to say, "Thanks". That was just what I needed to hear. The girl I pinned for knew I dressed in woman's clothing and her friend was probably going to tell her about my white tights. I didn't even have a doctored photograph defense. She smiled and said, "They're very bride like, virginal white." I nodded my head as face tightened up. I wanted to cry at the sound of another word starting with virgin being used to describe me. "You're not bad looking, for a guy at least. You kind of look like a really ugly girl" "Oh thanks" I responded to her 'compliment' as a reflex. She leaned back and said, "I never would have guessed you were gay. Danielle was shocked, since..." Amanda said as her hand went over her heart. I looked around to see if anyone had heard what she said. Fortunately no one was around. "I'm not", I then said weakly. "Sure you're not, your secrets safe with me and Danielle, Julie", she responded with a smile before she walked on away from me. I nodded my head and didn't even correct her about my name. I didn't want to go into it. I just wanted to get back to my room and never come out. I stood still for a moment. In stunned silence, I watched people walk by me. A few people looked at me, and I was sure that my secret had been revealed. I rushed back to my dorm room. I was sure that every person whose head was turned by my hasty running knew my secret. Danielle and Amanda had told. I was going to be known as the sissy boy for the rest of my college life. I reached my dorm door. People stared at me strangely in the hallway as I hastily struggled to get the key in the lock. I opened it and slammed it closed behind me. I then turned and saw Steve sitting on the couch. My eyes filled with rage as I looked at him. I hastily shouted, without thinking if anyone else could hear, "Did you show pictures of me dressed up to Danielle" "Yes", he replied with a smile "How did you get them?" I asked with exasperation. "You don't always look for a camera when you're asleep in your girly clothing, do you, Julie?" I shook my head and shouted, "Why would you show them to people?" "I needed to get Danielle's mind of you. So they worked." "Why?" "I want her. I need her. I've got her" "What?" "I asked her on a date, after I showed her the pictures, and she said yes!" "What?" I asked quietly. "She said yes. I'm going out with her tonight", he exclaimed exuberantly I put my head in my hands and headed for the bedroom. Steve ran up to me. He saw the tears in my eyes. "Don't be like this", he said. I shook my head at his callousness and back stabbing. "She wasn't right for you. It's better you know this now, rather than after spending time with her", he added. I walked right past Steve and went into our bedroom and collapsed in tears on the bed. It took me a few moments to realize that he had changed my bed spread when I was out. I now had a Barbie bedspread on my bed as well as pink sheets. I jumped up off it and marched towards Steve. He smiled and said, "What is it?" "Why did you put that on my bed?" "It's what I want you to sleep with. It's more you than that black comforter and white sheets." "Give it back", I demanded. "Sorry, I threw them out." I just threw my hands up at that point. I couldn't over power him, and he had still kept my secret, mostly. I collapsed on my bed surrounded my body with my Barbie comforter. I cursed him quietly. He had taken my shot at the girl of my dreams and poisoned the well so that I didn't even have a chance of getting her on the rebound from him. I didn't even care about my secret as time went on. All I really cared about was Danielle, but any chance with her was as dead as my self confidence. I didn't see Steve again until well past six. He came into the bedroom to grab clothes for his date. He dressed in the living room and told me he was leaving. I tried to pay no attention to him. I just continued to lie in my bed. I was too sickened to eat dinner. Although I hadn't eaten all day, I didn't feel hungry. All I could think about was her out on a date with him instead of me. They would be making eyes at each other while I would be in bed lying on pink sheets and under a Barbie comforter like a little girl. Steve was a man on a date with a beautiful girl, I was scarred little girl sitting all by herself. Steve came in around One A.M. and noticed that I was still up. He smiled and told me that Danielle wanted to see me and that she hoped that she would be friends with me. I just told him to piss off and pretended to fall asleep. The next day came and went, and I slogged to school on Monday. As I approached my first class, I was certain that everyone would ask me if I wore woman's clothing, but no one did. I was relieved to realize that Danielle and Amanda had kept my secret. That relief quickly turned to self-pity. Between my first and second classes, I saw what I knew I inevitably would. Danielle was standing in front of a classroom with Amanda. Amanda saw me, and I looked back at her and quickly looked down. "Isn't that the guy you like", Amanda said as I turned and looked at the smile on her face. "Why would you say that? You know I've got a boyfriend now", Danielle responded. Amanda only smiled as I cringed a little. I hurriedly moved away from them. When the school day ended, I was only happy to know that my secret was not known by everyone in the school. I headed back to the dorm room. I had nothing better to do so I decided that I'd study, but I wanted to be a little more comfortable when I studied. I slipped on a pair of blue, opaque stockings, a blue knit shirt, and blue and black plaid skirt. Steve walked in an hour later, after I had eaten lunch and had started studying at desk next to the TV. He smiled at me and asked, "Feeling better now?" I sneered at him, and he chuckled and said, "Don't you look like Sissy Vicious with your little sneer." I shook my head and turned away from him. He ate lunch while I continued to study. His cell phone went off an hour later, and I heard him say Danielle's name. I knew he was talking to her. I knew he was with her because he had sold me out because of his own self interest. I wanted to get back at him, but I couldn't figure out how to do it. Steve hung up the phone and walked past me. He went toward the door and threw it open. I ducked out of sight of anyone that could see me. I heard someone walk in. I started to shake as I heard Steve plant a kiss on someone. "Hey, Danielle", Steve said after he kissed her. Danielle and Steve looked at me as I cowered next to the desk. Steve looked at me and said, "Have you met Julie?" "I've seen him around", she remarked quickly as she her eyes fixed on me. I trembled at the sight of her. I couldn't believe that Steve hadn't tipped me off. He said he'd always tell me when people were coming by. It quickly dawned on me, that he was reinforcing what he told her. Now any doubts she may have had would be gone forever. Danielle sized me up with a smile. She looked me in the eyes and said, "You're a very pretty boy. I know a guy that might be right for you" "I'm not gay", I protested weakly. She smiled and said with a wink, "Of course you're not. All straight guys dress up like woman." "No they don't, but some do. Just because I like to dress like this, doesn't mean I'm gay." "No it doesn't. It was the 3 guys I saw you blow that made you gay, Julie", Steve chimed in. Danielle giggled and I felt as if I had shrunk 3 feet. "That's a lie", I protested to no avail. Steve looked at me sternly and Danielle rubbed up against his arm. "Don't worry your secrets are safe with me", Danielle said. I put my head down dejectedly. She placed her hand on my shoulder in a way I had seen her do with her female friends. To her, I had gone from desirable to something vaguely resembling woman. The only thing that prevented me from breaking out in tears was my intense desire to not confirm her ideas about me any further. Steve headed into the bathroom, and Danielle sat on the couch. She motioned for me to join her. I did so swiftly. She smiled at me and tilted her head to the side before she said, "I think you and I can be great girlfriends. To think I...Well, maybe you...It's not important now, anyway. Things worked out best for all of us. Me and Steve have got each other, and now you've got a secret friend to have girl talk with. We're all happy." "Yes, happy", I could barely muster the will to say as she placed her hand on mine. I always wanted to hold it, but she was just being friendly now. I was sitting next to the girl of my dreams. A girl I had a chance to be with, but that chance was gone. She didn't think of me the way she did before. The sensitive guy she was craving after her last breakup, had morphed in her mind into the little sissy fagot that she thought I was. I knew that even if I could find the way to explain that I really wasn't gay, what she had seen of me could never be undone. She wanted a man, and I just couldn't be that in her eyes again. Steve came out of the bathroom. Danielle looked at him and her eyes met his. There he was dressed in jeans and t-shirt. The same type of man she'd broken up with and had not sought only days before. Now, he was she wanted again. Steve smiled and looked at me and said, "Sissy, we're going to need the bedroom for a while, so get what you need out of it." "Don't call him that, call him...Well, I'm not sure. Julie, what do you want to be called?" "Jules." "A little manly for that look, but all right. It's your name", Danielle said as she stood up. I looked at Steve and told him that I didn't need anything from the bedroom. He nodded at me and led her into the bedroom. Steve closed the door and I went about finishing what I had to study. After I finished, I put my book away and grabbed some cleaning supplies. As I did that, I heard the sound of her moaning. The sound filled my ears. As I scrubbed the floor, I heard her calling out his name. The sound of the creaking bed seemed to mock me as I dusted the room in my sissy best. Steve had betrayed my trust and destroyed any chance I had to get with Danielle. She was just another trophy to him, but to me she was perfection. She was just another girl for him to sleep with. The thought of the hundredth girl he slept only made feel even worse about being a 21 year old virgin. The growing humiliation with each passing year was becoming like an anchor around my neck sinking me into the depths of depression. Still my humiliation excited me. I also knew that unless I did it with a girl just out of high school, the girl would know of my inexperience, and that too filled me with strange feelings of sexual bliss. I wasn't sure why thoughts of my sexual anguish made me aroused. I was disgusted with my self, but that only made me more excited. My confusion at that moment was palpable. About an hour after they entered the bedroom, Danielle came out of the room. She looked a little disheveled and pleased. The words goodbye came to me from those perfect lips that I would never kiss. I said goodbye to her, like I had to any chance I ever had to be with her when she found out my secret. Now, I was left pinning for a woman I never had. I hardly ever knew I had a shot, but I knew I never would again. Steve came out a minute later with a smile on his face. "Isn't she great?" He asked. "Yes" I responded as I tried to sound stoic. "Don't be mad. She was wrong for you?" "How?" "She needs a man, not a mincing sissy" I shook my head and shouted "Why did you tell her I was gay?" "She drew that conclusion herself, I just confirmed it as she looked at the pictures." "Well, you should have denied it. Now she wants to set me up with some guy." "I say go for it. It's your best chance at losing your virginity." "I don't want it like that! Why did you have tell her that I was gay?" "I had to get you out her head. It worked. Let it go, babe" I shook my head and brushed a tear from my eye. "Don't cry for her." "She could have been the one", I shot back. "Now, you never really would have caught her. You had the wrong bait." "But..." I was able to respond with a stutter. "What's it matter. It's in the past. Get over it; it's all over now." I dropped my head and started to scrub the floor. "That's a good girl", Steve said. I wanted to kill him at that moment, but I knew that he was right. He had manned up and asked her out while I had played right into his hand. That was all that mattered. To her, he was her man and I was just some little sissy she could be nice to when she visited her lover.