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Author's Note: This story is an unsettling work of highly violent transgendered fiction. It's remainded unpublished for a long time due to my own feelings about it. Total Recall By Lucretia "Goodnight Mistress," I called as I left her room. As usual, I had performed expertly for her, touching her in all the right spots, and now she was resting. I looked down at myself, pleased. The PVC outfit clung to my body in all the right places. My 38DD breasts were wet with sweat and my mistresses juices. O it made me so happy to please her. "Goodnight Slut," she called from behind me. She gave me that nickname years ago after I had professed my love to be a slave to men and women. I walked into the bathroom attached to my bedroom. My clothes were off in an instant and I settled into the tub. I little moan escaped my lips as the water enveloped my pussy and then my breasts. I was constantly horny, but no matter what I did, the only time I could orgasm was once or twice a year. All it took was for my mistress to say "I love you slut" and I went over the edge. I had asked her many times to say it more often, but she insisted that my orgasm's would seem better this way. She was always Right, no matter what. I washed myself in the lilac body wash that i liked so much. I always treated myself to it when my performances went well. It was an incentive for me. But tonight that pleasure was less, due to a headache. Mistress had always told me that if I ever felt strange, or had a headache, that I should notify her immediately. I finished my bath and dressed in my cutest nightie, the one with the cute little bunnies all over them. I walked back to my Mistresses room and looked in. She was asleep. It was so beautiful just to watch her sleep. For a moment I was torn with indecision. She had given me very explicit instructions as to any headaches. But she looked so peaceful... I stood there, frowning. Ever since my car accident, thinking had gotten hard for me. I decided to tell her in the morning. I went to my room and curled up, waiting for sleep. My dream was of a scary place. In it, there were computers. I was terrified of them. I had nightmares about my mistress.s computer growing legs and coming to eat me. It would say things to me as the keys on the keyboard grew into large, sharp teeth. It would say that I was corrupt and needed to be Rebuilt. The TV screen would grow into a large mouth and the keyboard would chew me up into little pieces. I would scream, and, waking, my Mistress would come into the room and soothe me. After getting me calmed down, I would go to the hairdresser to have my long mane done up. After all that, it would be okay for a long time. But in this nightmare there were so many of them! All of them whirring and lights would go on and off again and again. I tried to scream, but I Couldn't! God, please get me out of this nightmare! I heard a computer voice call out. "Warning!! Psyche unstable." "Cardio-pulmonary monitors indicate massive myocardial infarction imminent. Cause: Unknown" I almost screamed back at the voice to not chew me up, to let me go. The voice came back at once. "Cause: Current Psyche has irrational phobia of surroundings" "Solution: Alter current surrounding" The long corridor of computers melted away. I didn't understand what the voice was talking about, but I was grateful. When everything came back into focus, I found I was standing in a clearing in a forest. The grass that was up to my knees was damp with dew. It Looked so pristine. Mountains with perfect white caps dotted the horizon and the moon was the biggest I had ever seen. It looked kinda like when the mistress had brought me camping with her. But this wasn't real, I was in a dream, right? I bent to a blade of grass and slid in between my fingertips. The dew Collected in drops, growing large and falling back on the ground. No, this isn't a dream, i thought. It.s... My thoughts were broken by a strange human-sounding voice. "Detecting psyche's comfort with present surroundings. Awaiting instructions." I was suddenly fearful again. That voice talked like the one before. "What are you?" I asked. "Command not recognized. Please re-try." It was a computer. Where was it? I looked all around. My breathing came in short gasps. My heart, like before, started to pound madly. The voice spoke up again. "Psyche's phobia of computer technology interfering with ability to command system." "Solution: Positive cognitive feedback with affirming visual imagery" Once again, I had no clue as to what the voice was talking about. Suddenly a large teddy bear appeared in front of me. Protruding from its belly was a keyboard. I should have run screaming, but the teddy bear looked so cute and fluffy. Strangely, I wanted to play with it. "Come on Alice! We can run and play!" It scurried off into the trees. I followed it. We ran and played for...Well, I didn.t know. In this dream world, time didn't seem to exist. Finally we arrived back in the clearing. The bear disappeared. I wanted it badly to come back, but the other voice came back instead. "System has removed phobia successfully." Now I was curious. Ok, computers weren't all that bad, but I still didn't trust them. When it spoke up again, cryptically. I wondered again what this vision was about. "Command?" I didn't know what to say to that. My mistress always commanded me, it just was the way things worked. "I don't understand what you're talking about," I said, in all honesty. "Command unrecognized. Try 'Help'" "Help," I called out. I felt weird talking to something that I couldn't see. "Basic commands currently available: Restore Previous Identity, Clarify, Perform Self-check, Search." I wondered for a moment. Previous Identity? Was it talking about a past life? I also wondered at my sudden knowledge. How did I know what the words 'Identity' and 'Clarify' meant? Had this voice done something to me? "Clarify Previous Identity," I called out. "Current Personality, Self-identity, Perception of Reality and memories have been artificially created." I gasped. That meant that I wasn't real. But I felt real. Then again, I thought, how would I know if I wasn't? Something had been done to me. On second thought, why did I trust this voice? But no, I was real. I was a living human being! No one truly understands what it means to have to world turned up side down in them. In this dream world, an owl called out. Was this world the reality and I the dream? Who had done this to me? What was the truth, the only truth, the one that mattered: Who was I? My thoughts ran together miserably and I fell to the ground, sobbing. The voice intruded again. "Warning. Approaching temporal threshold for restoration." I suddenly hated that voice. I was sure it was nothing more then some kind of program. What did it know about feeling? And if it did, would it care? But my worst curse in all of this was that I knew what it was talking about. I was, after all, a artificial creation. I would have to wake up. That meant I had to make a decision. Either live on, knowing what I was was fake, or letting whomever I had been come back. It was mental suicide and I didn't want to kill myself. But I did want to know who had done this. "Command. Search for initiator of current Psyche," I intoned, marveling at my vocabulary. "Please wait." I waited. While I did, I enjoyed my surroundings. It would be wonderful to make love to my mistress in this clearing. It was strange, my libido hadn't followed me into this setting. The voice spoke up presently. "Initiator is Mistress Diana." Mistress had done this to me? Mistress, whom was the very axle in which, my world revolved? Mistress? It was too much. I began to bawl like a baby. "Current Psyche in extreme duress. Applying emotional stabilizing filters." To my horror, my grief was gone. This bastard of a machine had stolen my emotions away! It was the most insidious, murderous kind of thievery. No, I thought miserably. Murdering someone's self-identity, memories, and personality was far worse. This stupid machine in me had stripped me of the shock and loss and the feelings of betrayal so I could...what? Make my decisions more clearly, I thought. It hadn't taken away my misery, my terrible sense of betrayal, or the deep sense of loneliness. Yes, it was true. The machine might be lying, but my intuition told me that such as this couldn't lie. "Warning: Crossing Temporal Threshold." It was now or never. Despite my previous thoughts on suicide, I didn't want to live anymore. "Command!" I spoke up. "Restore Previous Identity!" My surroundings melted away. The room swam into view. I was on an examination table, naked. Wires encircled me, terminating in outlets that flashed with green and red lights. It looked similar to an operating room in a hospital! "Do you wish to backup current configuration?" The voice spoke from speakers I assumed to be next to my ears. I hadn't thought of that. Would backing myself up mean that the 'Previous identity' would restore me at some point? Probably not. Whomever's body I had usurped would never want me back. But I suddenly felt that it was a better choice then outright suicide. "Yes." The wire's flashed into life. I could hear motor's cycling up. At the opposite wall I saw something that looked like a gigantic tape deck. I watched as Robotic arms, running on a track imbedded in the ceiling, carried in a tape as large as the car Mistress drove. "Proceeding under Directive Alpha. Performing all required system checks." "Conducting Inter-Neural-Net-Synapse-Transfer-Speed and Reliability check." I waited, savoring the taste of the air in that clearing. It was better then the antiseptic order in the room. "INNSTS and R test complete. Reliability at eighty-nine percent with 7 point seven Pico second transfer rate. Acceptable for current operation." "Proceeding with backup of 'Alice "Slut" Graven'" A flash of images and feelings assaulted my mind. I was four, opening a giftwapped box with a Raggedy Ann doll and Crying in joy. I was six, watching as my father left for work on the last day of his life. I was eight, laughing with some friends at how silly the boys in school were. I was ten, running to the tree, screaming, where Lisa had fallen. I was fourteen, kissing Daniel while the snow blew against the picture window and Elvis sang about a poor child in the ghetto. I was fifteen, as my mother was given a charity funeral and wondering where I would go now. I was sixteen, crying in the back seat of some john's car after losing my virginity. I was eighteen, and reeling from a car accident after which thinking would become very hard. I cried in the hospital, trying to make sense out of what happened to me while my mind felt full of sawdust. I was twenty, crying in grattidue as Mistress Diana washed my hair and told me she would never leave me. My last memories were tapped and transferred. In all my life I had never felt so utterly alone, and so numb. I saw the tape ejected and carried away. I inhaled deeply, smelling not the smells of machines and disinfectant, but the smell of that clearing. Clean and free. I closed my eyes and awaited the end. The smells of the clean night air I hoped I would carry into whatever waited for such as I. Suddenly, I wanted to do anything except hear the voice telling me I was being deleted, so I sang. "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me.... I once was lost but now am found, Was blind, but now, I see." "T'was Grace that taught... my heart to fear. And Grace, my fears relieved. How precious did that Grace appear... the hour I first believed." "Through many dangers, toils and snares... we have already come. T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far... and Grace will lead us home." "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me.... I once was lost but now am found, Was blind, but now, I see...." I faded out. The Sleeping form of Alice Graven/Harry James stirred; then became still. It must have been one hellacious bender, I thought. I can't remember where I... I opened my eyes suddenly. The feelings that my body were sending back were nothing like I ever had remembered. A bolt of pain licked across my head. What was going on? Ny chest felt heavy. I soon found out why; I had breasts. What the hell had happened to me? I took a look down at my body. As I did, long hair brushed against my cheeks. It felt itchy until I brushed it away. With the cover of the bed off, I got a look at the body I now wore. It was nothing like the body I knew. I sat up, prepared to get out of bed. The second shock hit me. Who was I? As I was wondering, The bolt of pain lanced across my temples again. I blacked out. When I came to, I was on a hospital bed, connected to unknown devices By miles of what appeared to be glimmering wire. A voice spoke up from either side of my head. "Previous restore of psyche incomplete. Re-initializing systems." Something about that voice. Something I could almost remember... The pain bolted across my head again. The voice spoke up. "Please refrain from accessing memory. Please be calm." I agreed instantly. I cleared my mind, whatever little there was of it. "Performing system checks." "Conducting Inter-Neural-Net-Synapse-Transfer-Speed-and-Reliability Check" "INNSTS and R test complete. Reliability at eighty-nine percent with seven point seven Pico second transfer rate. Acceptable for current operation." "Calibrating delay loop." My mind suddenly felt overcome with sensations of indeterminate feeling. It felt like a muscle spasm. "Nine Billion-Five-hundred-sixty point five BogoMIPS" "Checking 'hlt' instruction...OK" "CPU zero is human brain" The weirdness of the situation was getting to me, despite my best efforts of remaining calm. "CPU one is Intel BIOLINK version six stepping one" I felt some tug of memory at that. I ignored it. "Total of two processors activated. Nine-Billion-Seven-hundred-sixty- nine point eight BOGOmips" "Checking TSC synchronization across two CPUs: passed." "Brought up 2 CPUs" "XCI: Activating memory controller" "Probeing device dev mem" I shut it all out and waited. Soon, memories began to unfold in from of me. I was nine, helping my father work on a '79 vette. I felt proud that he had asked me to help him. I was twelve, and watching, terrified, as my father backhanded my mother to the ground screaming. The smell of whiskey was heavy in the air. I was fourteen, and kissing my first girlfriend under the shade of a cherry tree. I was sixteen, sitting in my bedroom after my mother was literally beaten to death, swearing I would get out of this hellhole, make something of myself, and get revenge on my father. I was crying and screaming into my pillow. I was eighteen and graduating from high school, happy that I had been accepted at MIT, as was due to leave my father behind. I was.....O MY GOD! I was Harvey James. I worked for a subsidiary of Intel, working on a experimental chip to interface the brain with a computer. THE CHIP! Jesus Christ, the chip had been implanted in ME! If it was possible to pass out when you're inside a vision, I think I would have. What the hell had happened? Before I got a chance to think, I was ejected from this hallucination, back into the foreign body I did not recognize. I had BREASTS, for the love of god, and... I crept my hands down my curvy frame, noteing scars here and there. And yes, where my manhood once was now resided a VERY sensitive slit. How could I live like this? Dawn was beginning to break outside my window. I glanced around at my room. It looked like a cross between an S&M dungeon and a pink 'Hello Kitty' fantasy. What the hell had happened? The last thing I remembered was telling Diana, my associate, that the chip was ready for testing. After that, I felt a prick in my shoulder and then nothing. My head throbbed mildly. From nowhere I heard the computer voice speak up inside my head. "Restoration complete. Command?" Was that the chip talking to me? No, It couldn't be. It wasn't programmed for interaction that way. What then? Jesus, help... "Commands available." Apparently my thoughts were as good as words. "Search, Perform self check, Restore 'Alice "Slut" Mcgraven', Identify are basic commands. Do you wish full list?" Identify, I thought. Identify what the hell was going on. I doubted whatever the voice was would understand the command, but it surprised me presently. "Current Psyche was erased By Bio-link chip. Artificial Psyche was programmed." I was ERASED! Jesus. I knew that was an ability of the Biolink, but ME? I felt like Dr. Frankenstein, my creature turning on me. But who had done it? Search, I thought at myself, for user responsible. "Responsible party is Diana Morone." Rage exploded in me. THAT BITCH! How dare she do this... But that thought was wiped in a second by a more serious question. How? I brushed it all aside. If Diana did this to me...that meant that I was her prisoner. I needed more information. I got out of the bed. My breasts jiggled on my chest. How the hell did women stand it? I walked out of my room and into a short hall. To the left was another bedroom, another S&M nightmare. I saw the whip and remembered the scars I had seen on my thighs and breasts. Diana sleeping on the bed. Her figure was always startling, even in a white lab coat. In a nightgown, on her side, her curves showed much more sharply. I waned to caress those curves..... What the hell was I thinking? For one, I didn't have the equipment anymore to have sex. Well, yeah I could, but not as I used to. For two, why was I thinking about getting into the sack with the woman who'd done this to me? The voice spoke up."Warning. System is infected by unknown virus, which is attempting to place commands into Psyche's unconsciousness." I stood there for a moment, thinking. How in the hell was it possible for your mind to get a virus? I brushed the thoughts aside for the moment. If Diana was my captor, I need to escape. But more then that, I needed answers. I looked around the room for something to tie her up with. As it turned out, there were several pairs of handcuffs. I should have expected it. As easily as I could, as not to disturb her, I handcuffed her arms to the bed. Once she almost woke up, and I froze up for a second. My hate of her made me determined not to let her awaken, and, presumably, gain control over me. After the cuffs were secure, I looked around for something else to secure her legs. Too bad there's no rope in this S&M nightmare. Ok, I thought. She can't get up. Now what? My thoughts ran together in a slump. The 'Who the hell' part of the questions had been answered, at least for the time being. Why? How? That part was obvious. The biolink chip. I felt around the base of my neck, under my hair, and sure enough, I felt the scar. I had been working on the project for 2 years, designing and coding. We had gotten a subsidy from the military to enhance the chip. I hadn't cared much about some of the chips less-then-savory functions. I always told myself that if such a device could alter a person's mind, then it could be used to fight mental prolbems, too. In retrospect, I realized that was bullshit, pure and simple. I hadn't cared what they used the chip (And the accompanying software) for, I was getting paid well. The prestige was almost as good. Now that I had to contend with it, It didn't feel so good anymore. My migraine, which had been building, worsened. I struggled to think clearly. All right, I thought. I was erased my Diana. But what about the so-called virus? Computer, I thought (It was one way to call such as the device in my head) How did you interface with my mind? "Unknown command" I grasped my head in pain and tried again. Identify current system, then. "Current system is a hybrid formed by the interface of unconscious mind and biolink" My mind had interfaced directly with the chip? Even in my current state, I marveled. Identify Virus, I mused. "Virus is resident sixty-eight percent in biolink chip and thirty-two percent resident in frontal lobes. Virus was created by commands used in programming alternate psyche. Virus will escape containment measures in one hour six minutes" That meant that I had little under an hour before I was her slave again. I shuttered. Get to the programmer, I thought. She must use it once in awhile to tweak things to her sick tastes. But where was it? Simple. I would do a search in the pervious psyche's memory. Buddy boy, I thought to myself, this is one fucked up Google search. I had to smile a little at the thought. Search, I thought, for location of bio-link programmer. "Bio-link programmer resides in hairdressing salon in Ontario" I despaired at the thought. There was no way I could get there in time unless.. Identify current locale, I thought again, hoping against hope that... "Current Locale is in Cobalt, Connecticut." I slumped to the ground, rocking back and forth. I was going to be her slave again, and nothing I could do would change that. I felt there was no way to purge my mind from the (obvious) slave commands. Then it's settled then, I thought. I'll kill myself. Before I could decide my fate, Diana began to woke up, and so did my hatred of her. "Slut?" Her voice sounded like she was only partly awake. Before she could fully wake up, I got to my feet and backhanded her across the face. I'd sworn to myself that I would never hit a woman, but the rules had certainly changed, hadn't they? "Slut?" she stared at me with incredulity. I backhanded her again. "Don't ever call me that again, you bitch." Dawning comprehension came to her eyes, followed by a look of hate that would've turned ice cubes to steam. "I AM THE KEY," she intoned. What followed was a brief tug-of-war between my temples. She had used some sort of codeword, and I railed against it blindly, struggling to maintain control. I made it -just barely. I would not take another utterance of the code phrase. I hit her again and she screamed. Somehow, I was taking sadistic pleasure in it. "Next time use say that, its gonna be the last thing you EVER say, am I understood?" Fear crossed her face. It had gone wrong for her, she knew that now. Welcome to the club, I thought bitterly. "Harvey? Please let me explain. I....I..." "You used me, wiped me totally, used my body to create some bitch that you could control. Buy the way, how did you do it? That's one I can't understand." She seemed to calm somewhat. If I was asking questions, then I wasn't doing anything else. "I altered your DNA makeup. The process involves.." I cut her off. From the clock on the wall and my worsening migraine, I had a little over a half hour left. "Never mind the details. Why?" Her eyes drifted off to the side. "I needed a test subject" "Bullshit." I almost hit her again. Pretty soon I would be out of control. It seemed that the virus or whatever it was was making me psychotic. Her eyes flew to my slender hands. Some of the nail polish had rubbed away. Hope sprung on her face. I...I can change you back." "No you can't. In less then an hour I'll be subject to your commands again." Her expression faded into thought for a moment. Even though I hated her, I had to admire her. She, like me, was a true scientist. Even in peril, we wondered, explored possibilities. It was too bad. We could've been something. "The chip. The programmer's downstairs. Go, the password to the system is 'Rammer', as in the story." I decided to give her one chance. If she told the truth, I would let the commands have their way with me. If she lied.... "Are you lying to me?" I asked. She shook her head in negation. "No, I swear, it's in the dining room. It should be on the table." I left, running for the stairs. My migraine pulsed. I could feel the pain mostly behind my right eye. It was a wonder I didn't pass out. I didn't expect a programmer, and I wasn't disappointed. From upstairs I could hear grunts of effort. Very well then. I looked around the bottom floor of the house, searching. Finally I found a door that didn't lead to the outside. I Opened it, followed the stairs to the basement. The lights illuminated the cellar well. I picked up a flashlight and looked around. The main breaker panel was found easily. I pulled the main breaker and was engulfed in darkness. I flicked my flashlight on. The gas main was about an inch in diameter. I searched further. Ah, that would do. I brought the hammer down on a pipe cap that I hoped would be cast iron. My strength and aim were nothing like what they used to be. I missed. My head flared from the effort. I tried again, and hit. No good. I had merely left a dent. I looked up at the horizontal section. Bingo. The hammer collided with the regulator. High-pressure natural gas hissed out of the hole. Coughing, I made my up the stairs. The rotten-egg odor of hydrogen sulfide had permeated my nightgown. I was only a matter of time before it made its way up here. Sick ache in my head, I climbed the second-floor stairs. The gas traveled fast in the small house; the smell crept up behind me. I entered her room. Her attempts at freedom had netted her no gain. I pulled I cigarette out of the pack I'd found in the basement. She hated smoking, was always bitching about my habit. Well, I thought to myself, at least I don't have to worry about cancer now. I stuck it in my mouth and prepared to light. She was staring at me, unbelieving. "What are you doing?" A memory flash in my mind. I smiled. "I belive liars go to the eighth level of hell." I mused for a moment. "I'm hoping for the seventh, myself." "You're Crazy!" "Yes," I said, laughing. "But I'm not insane." Her face contorted miserably. "You'll die, bastard" "You'll die with me," I said, nonplussed. "Fuck You!" she spat out combined blood and mucous. "Your as afraid to die as anybody else, YOU HEAR ME! I fantasized about you stuck in that body, unable to do anything. I loved every Minute! I WON! I WON I WON!" I smiled. Thought had degenerated into a murky pool of pain, but I felt good somehow. Win, lose, what's the difference? My last thought came bubbling up. Two wrongs never made a right, but I hoped, as in mathematics, that they at least balanced the equation. I flicked the wheel of the Bic. The world went to white. The blast blew shrapnel for hundreds of feet in the countryside. Soon, fires would develop, and the fire trucks would come. The houses to the left and right were unoccupied. Two ethereal figures stood in front of what was once the house. Both looked young, with lithe, slender bodies. One had long black hair; the other had longer red hair. One exclaimed, "That scared the hell out of me!" She was dressed in tight black jeans and an oversized tee. She was lying on her back in the charred remains of the front lawn, a look of horror on her face. The other, red haired, similarly dressed exclaimed "You knew it was coming. I told you there was no way it could harm you." "Yeah, but it still scared the hell out of me" she repeated, then got to her feet. She started to brush herself off, then realized there was nothing to brush off. "So now what are we waiting for?" Instead of answering, both flicked out of existence. Kelly looked around. Ceiling and floor stretched into infinity. She felt like she was crammed in between two pieces of glass. It felt claustrophobic to her. It was good that Stargirl had dulled her emotions. As she watched, Colors danced in horizon. Facets of color bloomed on both 'ceiling and 'floor' "So this is the river Styx? I thought it looked more like...well, a river." She felt an absurd impulse to sing 'Come sail away' "Mortals perceive it differently, hun. We're seeing it as it really is." Kelly glanced over at her love. She appeared to be a tiny wedge of light gleaming in-between the two sides. She couldn.t look at herself, though. Movement was highly limited. She glanced at the horizon. Three wedges of light emerged from the lower half of the dimension. One was imminently engulfed in a blackness and faded out, falling upward. The other two shimmered on the floor. Their brilliance was fading, and they were turning gray. Stargirl launched herself at the horizon, seeming to ride on invisible tracks. The lattices of light grew more brilliantly as she passed. Stargirl slid in-between both points of light. Sending off miniature bolts of flat lighting, she raised both out of the lower lattice. One became whiter until it fell upward and disappeared. Suddenly the view shifted, and Kelly could see the forms of the beings. One was a twenty-ish man. Motes, like tiny black flies began to surround him. He was grinning. Extending his rater dumpy arm, he gave a wave at the woman, and Kelly was reminded of the final scene in 'Terminator 2' The woman was of the same age. Her body was well-cared for, with only the barest bulge of a stomach. She smiled, and Kelly, surprised, could hear her speaking. It was the volume of a conversation that could barely be heard. "...so I am real, after all..." The form faded out, and Kelly's view faded out soon after. Stargirl and I materialized in the shade of a large oak tree. How far was this from the scene? Two-lane blacktop led north-south. The sun was bright and the day was warm enough to make me wish I was wearing something much lighter. But never mind the day, I had a job to do - one I had given myself. The love of my life was (In her own words) a Can-Tah, a little god. Sometimes gods are more human then we think. I turned toward her, arms folded. She knew imminently why, of course. A human trying to teach a god. God, the irony it that. Before she had a chance to probe my thoughts, I blocked them out. "What." I said nothing, thought nothing. It was a trick I had only begun to learn. "WHAT?!" Furious. I was scared of her, but I could be resolute as well. We stood there for a moment. Eventually, she broke my stare. In moments like these I ached to comfort her, to caress her in the ways I knew that would bring her out of her own darkness. But this time she would learn. "You think I could've done better?" It wasn't a question. I waited. A Greyhound bus passed by. "What else could I have done?" Baiting me. I waited. "Thanks for your input." She sat down with her back against the rough bark. She was no longer probing me so I relaxed a bit, sitting down in front of her. I put my hands in hers. Her biggest problem, I feared, was denial, and not the river in Egypt either. I hadn't answered her question because I already had, Hours ago. She spoke up. "I respected his decision." "I mean, duh, no shit." I smiled, suddenly happy. She was going to understand. "Suicide bombers die for similar reasons." She turned her face upward, red hair spilling over her shoulders. Her gaze looked feral. "Thats not what I meant." Oops, I thought. Wrong way to put it. " I mean, so many people want to die, and there's so many reasons. Dieing for a cause to make a statement, to attempt to atone, to right a wrong, believing that they can never live the way they and their situation are, et cetra." "So?" she said. "Offering one's own life is a powerful gesture." I knew what she was getting at. While human, she had done just that. I decide to snag at her own words. "Offering your life doesn't have to mean you have to die. Its just seems easier." I could see that she was beginning to get the message. Tears were beginning to slide from the corners of her eyes. "It's done." She said. "As done as death can be. They have crossed the dead-line" I was glad to see her tears. In the past, she had just flicked out, to be alone. Now she was sharing her grief. At the end we made love in the grass. We didn't really feel the grass, nor the sharp pain of pebbles; making love semi-ethereal had that much going for it. After, we found a small pond to wash. Pulling my tee shirt on, a thought occurred to me. "Stargirl?" "Yeah?" She was looking the way we'd come. "What will happen to the research they did?" She stood in thought for a moment. "I can't tell, Pre-cognation isn't all its cracked up to be." "The military will want results, no?" She brightened. "Of course! The schematics of the chip and the software are still in the lab at Intel! But lacking the two researchers...hmm.." I didn't like the way this was going. I told her we should destroy as much of it as we could. She agreed. As we climbed the bank back toward the road she said, "So some good came out of it." "Not worth the loss of three lives, though." She nodded. "Point taken." We stood by the road. I had no idea what we were waiting for, but I could see from the posture of her body, that she was thinking. A big grin sketched itself on her face. It was kinda cute to see a normally masculine expression cross her features. "We need wheels." "Huh?" I asked, not catching the meaning. "Wheels, you know, a car?" "But why? I mean you can just materialize anyware you want." "Naa, that's getting REALLY boring. Hmm, what to go with?" I waited, wondering what kinda car she would create. "Ahh, Bingo!" she cried. A phantom mist blocked my view of the other side of the road. Shapes danced within, swirling. "BAM!" she cried again, and the car appeared. Except for the ludicrous bulge in the hood which I assumed to be the supercharger, it looked like something seen at car shows. I walked around. Perfect chrome, with curves that bordered on the obscene. "Corvette?" I asked. "Yup." Now her grin threatened to overtake her entire face. "Nineteen- seventy-eight, four-fifty-four engine, six....." I rolled my eyes as she prattled out the details. Turns out some things about her would never change. She caught on that she was the only one listening to herself and laughed. "Someday, I swear, I'm gonna get you interested in cars." She walked toward the black thing in the road."BAM!" she cried cheerfully again, and the engine roared into life. She got in, and I climbed in the passenger seat. It was very comfortable. The tires squealed, and we were dust in the wind. End. Author's Note: 'Rammer' was taken from Larry Nivin's short story of the same name. The ending dialog between James and Diana was adapted from the movie 'Runaway Train', and 'Can-Tah' was taken from Stephen King's book 'Desperation'. Various other things were taken from obvious sources.