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Some time ago I published a short story; titled TONI on Nifty. I did not get many comments, but the ones I got were very nice and I decided to make a book out of this story. One of the nicer comments was from Mardee Louise Prynne, who writes fabulous tranny stories herself and who told me that the name Leanbaby was silly. Therefore I changed the name for the book into LaneMacLane. I published this long version also on www.scribd.com (I don't know whether Fictionmania likes the mentioning of competition, but then scribd is not really competition for them). Because I feel that the target audience with Nifty is better I decided to publish here too. Now for the disclaimers, I admit that I copied them from one of the other publishers because I think it says it all. This work of fiction is for the non-commercial use of its readers. Permission to copy and distribute through electronic media for non-commercial purposes is granted. All commercial and non-electronic rights are reserved by me, the author. Please do not read this story if you are offended by adult material, reading this material is illegal in your legal jurisdiction or, if in the United States, under the age of 18. It ain't like this disclaimer is going to stop the determined, but I got to try. But let's get on with the story. By the way if you want to comment, write to [email protected] TONI IS A TRANSGENDER LOVE STORY There may be parts about sex, intercourse, masturbation, paedophilia, BDSM and the likes but in the end it is a romantic love story. Dedicated to Toni What would have happened when....... Chapter 1 The night promised to be beautiful. All the elements to create a winter fairy tale were available. The night sky was partly clouded with the promise of snow on the horizon. It was crispy cold with a mild dry north-western wind blowing and temperatures below zero. The streets and the picturesque inner courts were white, as snow had fallen for the bigger part of the day. The markets were fields of white, on which only some tracks of footprints and occasionally of tires were visible. The frozen canals and the white roofs gave the scene all the optics of a medieval town in winter. Normally on nights like this the people would be at home dining together before leaving their houses. They would go to the small ponds and canals, of which there were many around the town, to skate or just gather in the moonlight and socialize with friends and acquaintances. For young people such evenings were tailor-made to make new friends especially from the opposite sexes. At such occasions little stalls would have been erected that would sell hot chocolate, with or without alcoholic additions, for a few nickels. Also tonight the historical center of the medium sized town of Delft, in the Netherlands, seemed to be waiting for an evening full of joyful activities. But a closer look showed that the town was strangely quiet. The factories did not show any activity as their chimneys were smokeless. The historical railway station was deserted and the rails of the yellow streetcars did not show signs of any recent traffic. Even the waterway through the city was frozen, which normally never happened as ice breakers would keep it open during the entire winter. On this night of the 13th of February 1945 joyful activities were not programmed. Instead the sound of sirens suddenly tore through the night, as they had done ever more frequently during many nights in the last years. Winter nights were not welcomed anymore by the people in the town as an invitation for mutual entertainment. Especially this winter was different as the cold was not seen as a possibility to gather cozily in front of the fireplace. This winter, which was colder than previous ones, was feared as a life threatening enemy. Even when the clouds obscured the moon from time to time the snow made the night almost to day, but the clearly visible streets lay deserted. The only person visible was a man on a bicycle who speeded, as best as he could through the snow, along one of the canals. At one of the bridges he was stopped by some men in uniform who asked him something. After he indicated at one of the nearby houses they looked at each other and made room for him. The man sighted relieved. It was known that people, who were stopped by soldiers during the nightly curfew, did not always return to their home and he knew from the rumors that they were deported to labor camps. The man entered the house he had pointed at and after a short time he came out again in the company of a man, who was wearing the sign of a doctor on his left arm. A closer observation of the streets showed that no lights shone from the houses. This was strange in the country that was known for people who did not draw curtains before their windows at night. Equally strange was that many chimneys did not smoke, as they would normally do on winter evenings. Reason for this atypical situation was that Holland was in an undeclared war. Since almost five years Holland was an occupied country. This winter would go into the history as the hunger winter, killing tens of thousands of people because of lack of food and heating. In a country that normally did not know scarcity of these elementary needs of life. In the country side long queues of visibly starving people from the cities blocked the roads. These people were begging the farmers for food. But even the framers themselves had nothing eatable anymore. The trees in the city streets and parks were torn down and cut down to small pieces under high risks. The punishment when people were caught doing this was instant deportation. But the starving people had to obtain at least wood for heating as all coal, which was extracted from the mines in the Southern part of the country, was reserved for the occupying forces. This winter followed a summer of high hopes when the news-casts, which were heard with the hidden radios in almost every house, had spoken about the successful conquering of the southern part of the nation. As Holland is cut in half by the rivers Rhine and Meuse, the allies just had to cross them to free the rest of the country. The catastrophe however started to take form when these allied forces met unexpected heavy resistance, trying to cross the river Rhine in the most Eastern part of the country, near the city of Arnhem. Like on most nights of the winter the sounds of the sirens got company from a dull rumbling sound. This sound grew louder and louder until it was a steady rumble underlying the sounds of the sirens and could be recognized for what it was. Airplanes by the dozens were cruising high in the night sky. The people knew also from the allied news bulletins that they were bombers, which came from old and new airfields that were situated all over England. This was also an indication of the turn of the tides. In the beginning of the war airplanes from the East had flown over Holland to England in an effort conquer also that country. Now the bombers were flying to Germany, the country that had started this war that would become known as the Second World War. With their "Blitzkriege" the Germans had conquered almost all of mainland Europe. Now their luck started to change as ever more allies were fighting them. They came from the West after the D-Day invasion in Normandy and from the South, where they had entered the mainland after a grueling desert battle, from the Northern part of Africa. Both campaigns were at the price of an unprecedented number of human lives on both sides. Another big reason for the changing tides was that the Germans had taken the war to the Russian tundra's. Here they met unexpected resistance by badly equipped but fanatic Russians who burned everything when they had to retreat in the end. The biggest problem however in that country of endless plains was not the opposing soldiers but the Russian winter. Together with the policy of burned earth they found themselves cut off from effective and regular supplies from Germany. A third sound mixed itself with the others when the staccato of the flak batteries started. Their efforts to hit one of the planes were unsuccessful as the planes were much too high in the night skies. Further to the East the flak batteries would take their toll amongst the airplanes when they had to descent to unload their unholy cargos. Some times during the days other bombers would return to drop their loads in Holland. During the days however they would bring food and even during such humanitarian flights the flak batteries tried to gun them down. This night would go into history as one of the nights in which the town of Dresden was bombed. In an effort to force Germany into surrender this southern German was transferred into an inferno that was even unseen in this war to end all wars. Whether the bombing was a revenge of the British for the destruction of Coventry earlier during the war never has been cleared completely. But this brutal act may have been one of the reasons for the official capitulation that would follow some three months later. The doctor and his companion were leaving the old town center, crossing the railroad tracks they were heading for an apartment building on the Western outskirts of the town. They entered number 10 and after some time the sound of a crying baby could be heard from the apartment, which was prove that I Matthias Doesburg was born My early youth was in a country that started a furious reconstruction of the havoc brought on it by the war. Factories had been dismantled and shipped to Germany. Harbors were destructed and also the residential districts of towns at the North and the South of my home town were severely damaged. Rotterdam in the South, the biggest harbor of the nation, had its centre severely bombed in the beginning of the war by the frustrated Germans when the Dutch did not surrender fast enough. The Hague, the Dutch seat of government, in the North was bombed erroneously by the allied forces who took it for a German town during one of their numerous air-raids on Germany. Delft however did not show many material aftereffects of the war and so it was possible for me to spend a rather uneventful and carefree youth, living in a family with two sons. Leonard, my older brother by four years, was the pride of my father and quite different from me. My father had succeeded in being the manager of the community car fleet. Still he had always regretted that he had not had the possibility to become an engineer. Leonard from the very beginning showed all the interests in mechanics that I lacked. On top of that four years were a rather big difference. Combined with my disinterest in technical matters, they were the reasons that I was not very close to my brother. Still it is always good to have a big brother when arguments arise, especially with children in the neighborhood and at elementary schools When I was five or six years old we moved from the apartment, where I was born, into a house. Many new housing projects were started some six year after the war. Many of them went away from apartment buildings. Middle sized houses were built for middle to higher incomes. A house with a garden, however small that might have been and plenty of rooms, meant that the family had really arrived in the middle class. I got a room for myself. Although it was the smallest of the three bedrooms, it meant a level of privacy that you don't have when you do have to share with an older brother. Another sign of the development towards a more middleclass society in general was the steadily growing number of motorcars on the streets. Before the war cars were only for the very rich and not yet common property as in the USA. Some six years after the war our family got its first automobile. It was not a big American type of car but a Volkswagen, built in Germany. The old enemy country was the foremost beneficiary of the Marshall plan. This program was started by the Americans to help the European countries to get back on their feet again. Germany developed into one of the mayor industrial countries in Europe within a short time. This US decision would prove itself to be one of the wisest political moves ever, especially as it secured that the Western European countries could stay away from the ever growing Soviet influences. So we got a car but, in our street of about fifty families, we were only the fourth or the fifth to have such a luxury. I had split feelings towards this new means of family transports. I used to sit behind the drivers of the big busses that brought us to the part of our family who lived in a town some 30 kilometers away. My biggest wish at that time was to become a bus driver. Also the voyages to the part of the family that lived farther away were now made by car. The railway rides had always been a highlight. The first leg was made with trains fronted by old steam locomotives. Midways we changed into electrical driven trains. Now we went by car in which there was little to no heating. One of the immaterial aftereffects of the war was the turning back to lines of conduct, which were embedded in the religious values that had been at the cradle of the Dutch nation. The late twenties and the beginning of the thirties had been known as decadent and wild. The big recession and subsequently the war had brought the people back to more austere values again. I remember from my early youth that church services were always very well attended. A result of the turning back to these old values was that for a big part religion held the society in its grip with strict and sometimes oppressive rules of behavior. One of the indications of this narrow-minded Calvinistic looks on life was our beach culture. Children had to wear bathing suits on the beach. The Germans, who returned already in hordes some five years after the war did not have such problems. Being Lutherans or Catholics, they had their little children playing naked in the sand. When we wanted to do the same we were always called back and told that this was not a decent thing to do. Being children we did not understand why it was allowed to them not to us of course. This narrow mindedness would gradually but steadily change during the following 20 to 25 years and make Holland ultimately into the liberal country we know today. My visits to churches however had another effect on me: it triggered my love for music. And music in churches meant pipe organ music. My first encounter with music in general, which would play such a big part in my life, was organ music and I devoured it. I delayed my parents, when leaving the church on Sunday, to be able to hear the organ to the end of the usual improvisation. Delft had several historical churches. The organs in these churches were not as impressive as some of the famous organs of Haarlem, Alkmaar or Amsterdam. Still they were well known though in the national organ society. Their organists also belonged to the best of their profession. I always was and still am impressed by the sound of these Kings of instruments when they fill their massive cavernous buildings with their majestic sounds. Although other music would take over soon in my life I would always keep a special interest in this kind of the musical spectrum. During these early years of my life I also heard modern music but not as consciously as organ music. I still remember songs by The Artie Shaw Band, Teresa Brewer, Doris Day, Perry Como, Frank Sinatra and Lionel Hampton to name only a few. Especially Hampton with songs like Hey! BaBaReBop and Hamp's Boogie Woogie was an early prophet of things to come. These songs had fascinating and rather up tempo rhythms. We in our family at that time did only have a radio at home and no record player, which meant that we heard of these songs just by chance. At home I was frequently searching this radio for organ music. I found some programs that were broadcasted weekly. Occasionally I also was able to hear parts of the broadcasts from the improvisation-competition at the organ of the St. Bavo church in Haarlem. This yearly returning event was one of the highlights in the organ music community. As far as I know the festival is still organized today. I surprised my environment when they found out that I recognize several organists without hearing an announcement but simply by listening to their playing style. When I renewed my interest in this kind of music later in life, I never got this ability back however. I learned to know the magnificent compositions of Johann Sebastian Bach, Johann Pachelbel and Dietrich Buxtehude. At that time the programming of organ concerts was almost always centered on the German school of composers. Other composers, who were featured in these concerts, were Jan Pieterszoon Sweelinck, an early Dutch composer and Cesar Franck, a Belgian born organist who worked in Paris and could be seen as a member of the modern school. When I was about 8 to 9 years old I even got my father to buy me a harmonium, which was a kind of organ for home use without pipes. I started learning to play with vigor being instructed by my father but soon lost interest. Even a visit to one of the big organs in my native town did not renew my interest in playing. One can say that this visit was my first look behind the scenes of music. I still remember it as an awful experience. I was awed by the organist who played all music basically without any written notes. I was very impressed by this ability. It also discouraged me though, as I was convinced that I would never reach that level of musicianship. But that was not the only reason. There were many new influences in my life that got ever more important. One was discovering girls. Girls I soon found out were different and nicer to look at as boys. From very early on I had girlfriends. Some of them even hardly knew that they were my girlfriends. Others stayed on my list of wishes forever. When I was between six and eight years old I had my first sexual experiences. Before that time I already stroked and touched myself but I still had to discover masturbation. The first experience I had however when I was six or seven was not with a girl but with a boy. With a friend who lived in our street and who went to the same school as I did. We spent a lot of time together and in a nearby park we hid frequently in the bushes and showed each other our little dicks but we did not really dare to go any further. Holland is a country with much water and it was and probably still is customary to learn to swim at an early age. After one of the swimming lessons, we attended during the early evening, I took the initiative. I crept under the dividing walls of our changing booths that started 30 centimeters over the floor to his booth. I chose the moment well as he was as naked as I was. Seeing him completely naked was exiting. He was a lean boy with a small dick and no body hair at all. I asked him whether I could feel his dick and he did not object. He even came closer to me and took my hand. It felt strange but also exiting to feel somebody else's member. He was small after having been in the cold water for almost an hour. He in turn, took my dick, which was also shrunken, in his hand and we slowly started to jerk each other off. I got a funny feeling in my stomach. The feeling became more intense, especially when I felt his dick stiffen as did mine. We both intensified our grips on each other's hairless members. While we were starting to breath heavier we started to masturbate each other seriously. Right in this heated encounter however, my father who had come to collect us, called from the corridor what took us so long. Both of us were shocked back into reality. Both our dicks went limp instantly. I scrambled back but probably my father had seen something. That night I saw my father really mad for the first time. Even when I had broken a window on purpose some time before this incident, he was not as mad as at that moment. The result of his anger, combined with the spanking I got, had me loose all interest in boyfriends. Still I do have wondered later about what would have happened if we had come to an orgasm together. Would I have liked the experience so much that we would have done it over and over again? Could it have been the beginning to become gay later in life? The second time was shortly after this experience and with a girl. The girl was a niece who lived in another town. When visiting this family it was custom that I shared a bed with her. I again made the first move as I dared her one evening to feel me up and let me to do the same thing with her. I told her that I wanted us to investigate the difference between boys and girls. She agreed and so we put down the trousers of our pajamas. I got my first feel of a hairless pussy. It was great. She had no dick and after I stroked downwards over her belly I came upon a miniscule butt. Further it went along two parallel kinds of lips going downward to end in a little bridge. Crossing this little bridge I could feel her back hole. I found out that the lips could be parted and that I could push my finger in. Behind the lips she was a little bit wet and she moaned when I entered her. She however took my hand and told me only to stroke. The experience got me butterflies in my belly again. That night I did some serious petting, which she stopped much too soon. Niece Mona was probably the more advanced child in the end. I am relatively sure that she did so because she was close to changing her mind regarding my fingers entering her.. Still she had me feel her up one or two times after that. My first experiences with genitals were both with hairless specimen. Maybe that was the foundation for my later preferences for shaven pubes. It probably also made me shave my own pubic hair, when it started to grow some years later. After these first experiences with sex that were purely on a curiosity basis, I also discovered how to masturbate. I found out that my dick stiffened also when I stroke him myself. I did it rather it frequently until I started to ejaculate and wetted my bed. When my mother found out I had a very serious session with my parents. They told me that that was not done, period. They did not threaten me with blindness or incurable diseases, so I had to find a way to masturbate without wetting bed spreads. I found out that I could push my seed balls up into a kind of pouch under my belly. This done I could tuck my dick backwards between my legs. I was not circumcised and I could rotate my foreskin over my cock head with my index finger. After some time I felt my cum building up but I now could prevent it from squirting out by pressing my tights together. In that way I could masturbate without leaving evidence of it on bed sheets. During another session with my father, which I remember taking place during a bicycle tour of father and son, he more or less informed me about the facts of life. As far as I can remember he did not tell me anything that I did not know already. The sharing of the bed with my niece after these talks was over however. I do not think that they suspected anything about our stroking games. They just decided that we were too old now to share a bed. Another reason for losing interest in organ music was my growing taste for secular music. The first pop song I actually remember was The Tennessee Waltz by Les Paul and Mary Ford. I must have been ten and was impressed with that breathtaking sound of a guitar, an instrument that would also play an important part in my future life. I noticed the arrival of Bill Haley and The Comets, who created a new hymn for all youth in the world with Rock Around The Clock. I was eleven when things really started to heat up. From that time my searches for radio programs changed from organ music to modern music. Soon I found out that there were hit parade programs early Saturday afternoon. I also discovered Radio Luxembourg. This station had an English program that played the music that was heard by the English teenagers. As far as I can remember they featured a hit parade on Sunday evening, which became a must to listen to for me. Another boost of my musical interests was that our favorite nephew Ben, who was some eight years older than me, bought a record player. During visits that were rather frequent at that time, I was allowed to play his records. Leonard who was not interested in music occupied Ben, who was an auto mechanic, with technical matters. As there was always work to do on Ben's car, I had the whole show for myself. Now I really discovered popular music by endless replays of records by artists like Chuck Berry. Only much later I realized the importance of this artist and his guitar driven pop music. I heard Fats Domino, The Platters, Guy Mitchell, Johnny Ray and Little Richard and The Diamonds with Little Star. The latter were a one hit wonder but one of my all time favorites. The biggest of them all however was of course Elvis Presley. He not only impressed with his music but because he was our example as a rebel. It goes without saying that parents in general did not like this kind of music. In this group of artist there was one who was peculiar: Little Richard. His music was even wilder than that of Elvis. His image was that of a kind of transvestite wearing make-up and loud woman-like clothing. These topics made him even more of a rebel than Elvis. But his gender image was never discussed, at least not in Europe at that time. The majority of the young rock and roll fans to which I belonged, did not know what they were seeing anyway. Now we can say he was dressed as a drag queen, with a moustache. At the time however nobody knew what that word meant and it was done away as the eccentrics of a stage personality. Still he was an early herald of the things that were still under cover and that would stay there for years and years to come. As long as I can remember I always was a fan of America. The fact that almost all artists I heard during this time were American increased my interest and liking for this country. Another push towards American ways and life styles was a visitor from the USA to one of the neighbors. This man had taken his car, a Chevrolet convertible, with him to Europe and I loved it. For some time I saw it every morning when I went to school. I could not pass it without admiring it for some minutes. I also got to talk to the man who told me that that kind of cars were common in America. I started to collect pictures of US cars and since then I like them even when some of the European cars are technically better. But what did a German reporter say once after testing a Cadillac: "Maybe the Germans invited the automobile but the Americans certainly invited driving in them". When I was twelve I went from elementary school to high school and I found new friends. I found my first real girl friend although our affair did not last long. Angie was the first girl to get me the butterflies in my stomach by just looking at her. Of course we did not have sex but our kissing compensated greatly for the lack of more intimate contacts. One of the new male friends played guitar. Because I had already started to learn song lyrics by heart, we formed a nameless duo in which we both sang while he played the guitar. This duo performed during school festivities. I still remember we had a special success by playing Jailhouse Rock. The reason for that was my duplicating Elvis' hips movement at which almost all boys laughed. But I saw admiring glances from many of the girls. Still to sing without playing the guitar was not cool of course and I wanted a guitar too. This however was not easy as my father was reluctant to spend money on another instrument, after the disaster with the harmonium. The only way to get one was saving for it and that's what I did. My first guitar was a cheap one. In Europe at that time western acoustics were not much in fashion. The nearness of Spain, with his rich tradition of guitar based music, resulted in many cheap Spanish guitars in the market however and I got one of those. Although my father was very skeptical I surprised him tremendously by learning the rudimentary ways to play guitar all by myself. After our first efforts as a duo my friend and I formed a real band. We found a piano player, a drummer and a bass player. The latter was a child of its time. Young bands did not have money for the real instrument and bass guitars were rare and expensive too. That is why he played bass with a device that was based on a tea barrel with a vertical pole attached to one of the sides. There was a string (a thin rope) going from the top of the pole to the middle of the barrel top. Our bass player was able to have this device indeed sound a little bit like a stand-up bass. The repertoire we played was basically of Elvis Presley. But when Cliff Richard appeared on the scene we adapted many of his songs. This artist together with his backing band The Shadows had an unbelievable impact on us. In England, as well as in the rest of Europe, the rock and roll fever in the States had initiated many young people to start making this kind of music. In England initially this did not result in the same kind of rock and roll productions as made in the USA. They opted for a kind of simplified Rockabilly that became known as Skiffle music. These bands frequently had the tea barrel bass and washboard drums in their line- up. The best known representative of this musical direction was a group lead by Lonnie Donnegan. This group found many copiers. Cliff as well as the members of the Shadows also came from this scene. Their first records were no Skiffle music however but genuine rock and roll with songs like Move It, Mean Streak and Dynamite. He and the Shadows took England by storm and subsequently also the continent. Strangely enough they were never able to repeat these huge successes in the USA. There were some other groups from England that were at least as interesting though. One was Emile Ford & The Checkmates with their hit What Do You Want To Make Those Eyes At Me For. The other one, who was really an omen of the things to come, was Johnny Kidd & The Pirates. Their hit that would be copied some decade later one to one by several Beat /Rock groups was Shakin' All Over. Both of them would not stay on top very long though. Theses groups showed us the way to make music without a big orchestra and to become famous anyway. Although Cliff would stay on the charts in Europe for decades to come, he is not seen by many people as a big influence on rock music. This is probably because he tended to alternate rock & roll songs with orchestra backed ballads. This was genuine middle of the road music and was more directed at girls and their mothers.. Every rock fan, me included, hated this side of him that became ever more prominent during the years. The influence of The Shadows on popular music was definitively much bigger. They were basically a guitar quartet with Hank B. Marvin playing lead guitar, Bruce Welch rhythm guitar, Jet Harris bass guitar and Tony Meeham drums. After their hits together with Cliff Richard they started to make their own records as a separate act. Their first hit was Apache. Many followed like Quartermasters Store, 36-24-36, Kon Tiki, Wonderful Land and Dance on. Also they did not become big in the USA however. That country was not ready yet for English artists but that would change dramatically. It was the guitars they played though, which started the revolution and the trends that would ultimately lead to The Beatles and the English dominance of the pop music in the middle sixties. The guitars were products of Fender, the American pioneer of the solid body electric guitar. Their products up to that time were almost solely known, at least in Europe, from some Country & Western acts. After The Shadows made the solid body guitar popular there were copiers like Egmond in Holland, who made a very cheap looking guitar. In Germany there was Framus, which would become known because Bill Wyman used one of their basses during the first years of the Stones. However when the would-be guitarists found out that it was relatively easy to produce your own guitar many of them did so. Some of these home made instruments were even better than some of the badly copied commercial ones. Of course we did not play only songs from Elvis and Cliff. Some of the other songs were from artists like Paul Anka especially Lonely Boy and Gene Vincent's Bebop-a-Lula. Also The Everly Brothers were represented with songs like Bird Dog, Poor Jenny and All I have to Do Is Dream. All these songs were a must for all four to five men bands. Another must was Buddy Holly, who also had many songs that found their way in the repertoire of many amateur bands. I as the lead singer in our band got my first impressions what was necessary to excite an audience. We played on several school parties and even got some gigs outside of my hometown. At one of these out of town venues I had an odd experience. We played during carnival time when everybody at dances dresses up. That evening there was a girl whom I really made eyes at. When I even started to make advances she walked away laughing. One of my fellow band members asked me whether I had not noticed that she was a boy. Man I can tell you that I was happy not to have made a bigger fool of myself on that night. The band may have had potential as there were some good players in it. Because the members where not really friends and not really close knitted the end came after two years, when the individual members all went their own ways. After the split I kept practicing on the guitar and even bought a second hand electric one. It was a KAY acoustic guitar with a home made pick-up, but I was happy. During that time I tried to get into other bands but it never worked again. I remember though that I helped another band in the neighborhood with their first beginnings. High school was the time to really dive into the chasing of girls. I befriended several in our class. Still at that time at the end of the fifties young teenagers were sexually illiterate. Of course there were stories of girls our age that got babies but generally the girls in that time kept their legs together, as we said amongst each other. Even when we found one who was prepared to go further we did not recognize the signs, so generally only kissing was on the program. Some of the girls would allow some feeling up but others even refused that. Even at heir age they were afraid that that would make babies. It goes without saying that these ideas changed and progressed with every year we got older but compared with 12 to 14 year old teenagers of today we were hopelessly backwards and innocent. To our defense I have to mention that at that time the pill was not yet invented. On top of that it was difficult to buy condoms under the strict norms of the Dutch society during that time When I was sixteen I met Maddy. She was a girl living in the same street as a girl in my class. I met her the first time at the end ball of a dancing course. Maddy became my real first love and my first steady girl. Our mutual friend had been sure that she would not want to know about me. The reason being that she was two years older than me; I conquered her by storm however. We both liked music although she was more of an Elvis fan while I was into Cliff Richard and the Shadows. We loved movies and we frequented the five cinemas of my hometown. There was however one flaw in our affair. She lived ca. 20 kilometers from my home in a village in the country side. That resulted in me riding by bike every weekend day to her home and back. But in the beginning that was no obstacle for a young Matt in love. I had fallen for her smile but she also had a fabulous figure with very long legs. Her hair was rather short and together with her small breasts she had a kind of boyish look, which would become my criterion in my judgment of women. Of course I did rarely volunteer to master that distance four times a day by going out in my town. So I read a lot and stayed with her and her parents. Still this all was bearable when the time to say goodbye for the day came. We went from heavy petting to hand jobs and when we were asked to baby sit at one of the neighbors we both lost our virginity. I still remember that she had the presence of mind to bring towels at the occasion. That evening after having checked that the baby was asleep we undressed each other oh so slowly. We had seen many examples of how to do that in the movies. I marveled when her BH came down and she showed me her small but very shapely breasts that had some very pert and hard nipples. Her figure was beautifully lean and sporty from riding bicycling every day to work. Obviously the Dutch national means of transports has its advantages. My dick reacted with an erection that was almost painful and close to exploding. This was the first time in my life I saw a real girl completely naked. In that time we did not have internet and the availability of sex magazines was also worse as today. She had a flat belly that was bordered below with some fluffy pubic hair. Luckily not so bushy that it made her pussy invisible. I had not shaved my pubes, since I knew her. I had been afraid that she would not understand such a behavior and would have thought I was gay. Everybody who acted outside the norms in that time was suspected to be gay. I laid her down on the floor and I moved up on her between her legs. She was very passively when I entered her. I was very careful and continued slowly. I hoped not to hurt her when the moment of losing her virginity came. I felt the mild resistance and when I passed her hymen, I felt like passing the gates of heaven. After that crucial moment her initial passiveness vanished and she became a softly moaning ever so sensual woman. She kept on trusting her abdomen up to me, as if she never had enough of me inside her. I came much too soon and being still within the rather rigid rules of behavior of our time we did not know about alternative sex games nor foreplay or after play. I asked whether she liked it which she confirmed and she rewarded me with a kiss. In retrospect I suspect that she did not have her first orgasm on that evening. We probably were also shocked a little bit by our own bravery of fucking each other. Luckily enough there was almost no blood after our first lovemaking It was the only time that we really fucked, which in its turn may have been one of the reasons that the affair did not last. Still this first sex experience with each other was a good one. It hit us however also that we made love without any protection. Preservatives were hard to get and consequently we did not use them. The following weeks were a long wait for her next period but the experience was worth it. After it we were back to making love standing up in the laundry kitchen. This was of course in no way as good as lying down. I did not dare to penetrate her again because one of her parent might have checked us out at any time. This situation did not compensate for my longing to party with friends and to roam the juke joints in town for a very long time. Although she was even invited by my parents to spend the holidays with us the end came inevitably. It was accompanied with many tears and accusations that I could not do that after taking her virginity. My first try was aborted and I continued for another month but the seed of freedom was stronger. After that month I put an end to it. When the final decision was made the geographical distance between us made the separation a lasting one. I only saw her very sporadically afterwards. The following days and especially the next weekend I regretted my move. There were no new friends, male as well as female, waiting in the shadows. Initially I was alone. That changed when I met Hank an old buddy from elementary school. He was part of a group of boys that did exactly what I had in mind. They partied; played cards together and roamed the juke joints in town. With seventeen we changed from caf? houses and snack-bars to real bars. First of all we frequented the bars and terraces that were situated along and near to the big historical market place. Later on we also discovered the ones that were in neighborhoods that our parents would not have approved to. Of course to us these were the more interesting places. In bars that served alcohol you actually had to be eighteen but those rules were not applied very strictly. The girls I met during that time were rather diverse. The ones from the "bad" bars were the most exiting. They were generally more advanced than we, as far as drinking and sexuality were concerned. With them it was us who were the more careful ones. The wilder sexual games we played with them might have led easily to unwanted consequences. We were pretending to be rebels. We also knew damn well though, that coming home which a girl from those parts of town because she was pregnant would be a real scandal that could better be avoided. But some of the other girls (from the better parts of town) might have been promising. The problem with some of them, whom I really liked, was mostly that they happened to be Roman Catholic. Although Holland was on the verge of becoming the liberal country that we know today, these girls had grave inhibitions to bring home a guy from another religion. Hank also liked music but his taste was completely different. He was a fan of Frank Sinatra and I also became mesmerized by this singer after listening to his music. During that time I got my first record player and the first records that I bought were by Sinatra. I really dug deep into it and used the bigger part of my allowance to buy his records. I collected the first dozen of releases on his self-owned label Reprise. I also bought many of the Capitol albums that were still on the market. The album that became a lasting favorite was The Concert Sinatra. This album with songs like Lost In The Stars, Old Man River and Soliloquy from the musical Carousel is one of his all time bests. To me it has almost classical musical dimensions. The conductor on this album was Nelson Riddle who was frequently used by Frank. The swingiest albums however were with Billy May the conductor arranger with whom Frank had wanted to cooperate from the beginning of his Capitol years. I especially liked these albums like Come Dance With Me and Sinatra Swings...Other artists who were in the same class were Nat King Cole, Dean Martin when he felt up to swinging and Tony Bennett for example. The female singers in that style were Dinah Washington, Pearl Bailey, Peggy Lee, Sarah Vaughn and of course Ella Fitzgerald. By listening to these singers I started to interest myself also for the musicians behind them. On their best records they were backed by some big names from the big band scene, which of course is a part of jazz music. Especially through Sinatra, who I always regarded as a jazz singer, I came to know Count Basie, who made two albums with him, Duke Ellington, who cooperated on one album, Johnny Mandel, Neal Hefti, Quincy Jones and other key persons from the world of jazz. Another side effect of listening to this kind of music was to learn more about the beauty of the English language. Especially Sinatra was an artist who had a very special talent to play with words. Sometimes even to the chagrin of the original text writers and or composers. Still I kept an open eye for the things that happened in the world of popular music. At the beginning of the sixties things started too change. After the so called Bobby period with American singers like BobbyVee, Bobby Vinton, Bobby Goldsboro and Bobby Day amongst others, there was a new sound: Surf music. Happy go lucky music by The Surfaries, Dick Dale & the Deltones, Jan and Dean and The Beach Boys. Shortly after Radio Luxembourg played tracks by these groups, especially The Beach Boys were embraced readily by the British market. Shortly after that they started to broadcast also more music of new English groups. We were introduced to groups like The Hollies, The Dave Clark Five, Gary and the Pacemakers and The Swinging Blue Jeans. The ones that really got us into their spells however were The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. In the beginning nobody had the slightest idea that we were witnessing the first signs of a revolution in music. This new movement that was called the Mersey Beat would have an impact on society that until then was believed to be impossible. This music would shake the American market in its foundations and become known there as the British invasion. It was an exiting time partying, listening to music, acting cool, starting to mix alcohol in our Coca Cola's, rotating girl friends and playing the rebels. We were not really rebelling against any rule but maybe just bending them from time to time. Altogether it was even a rather quiet time although the big youth revolts that would rock especially in France and Germany a few years later were already in the making. My parents gave me relative freedom. Although during that time I also met my father's correcting hands from time to time when I went too far, I lived a carefree live. I finished high school and started a study of architecture at the technical university of my home town. After having flunked the examinations in the second year I dropped out again. At that time this was not the disaster it would be today. The possibilities for non academics to make a career in life were much better than today. Altogether I don't think I really knew what I wanted at that time. Toni The Book Chapter 2 After I dropped out of the university I was waiting to be called up for military duty as it still existed in that time. I could not search for a steady job so I took on some "manpower" jobs as a factory worker that existed for students. During these months while waiting for my enlistment I met Toni for the first time. The first glimpse of her I got when I walked out of a cinema after having seen Four For Texas with Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. and not to forget with Anita Eckberg and Ursula Andress. I first saw her back and I could only think of one word: FLAWLESS. I saw dark brown hair only barely reaching her shoulders. Her back indicated that she had an almost athletic figure. She was wearing rather tight jeans so I could see her tush rather clearly. Her buttocks were accentuating the athletic impression. They were not round and broad as with so many other girls but more oval shaped. Under them two legs started that did seem to go on forever. She wore flat shoes. I intuitively thought that she would look marvelous in high heels. From behind she had a kind of boyish figure but that being exactly what I liked most with girls, made me longing to see more of her Walking behind her I saw that she was heading for one of the nearby diners. I wanted to buy a coke myself and followed her in. Standing closely behind her waiting for our orders the first thing I noticed was that she was more or less as tall as I was. I unconsciously realized that that meant she would be taller than me wearing high heels. I also got a whiff of her body fragrance and I found out that she smelled at least as good as she looked. I unconsciously inhaled rather noisily, which made her turn her head. The first thing I saw was her eyes and I felt like drowning. I was looking into big eyes with green to brown pupils that could melt an iceberg. They were only accentuated by a black eyeliner that was ooh so decently applied. The expression in her eyes changed from annoyance to a low smoldering spark when she returned my "Hi" with an "Oh, hello too". The voice was strangely husky, low for a girl and melodious in a way unknown to me up till then. After she got her order and I mine I saw that she was standing alone at one of the high tables. I collected all my courage and asked her whether I could join her. She answered only with nod of her head. Now I could see that she wore her hair in a kind of fringe hairstyle that framed her face like the rays of a dark sun. Her face was classic with rather high jawbones. Her mouth was full as it was accentuated lightly by lipstick and maybe a bit wide. Further make up was not visible, which did not mean that it was not there however. I got the overall impression that hair and make up was very professionally done. Her face was of an austere beauty to me. Not beauty queen-like and not doll-like but maybe a bit mysterious. It was that kind of face that burns into your memory. I also noticed that her breasts were small. I clearly saw her nipples, which could only mean that she wore no bra. The sum of it all was attractive to me in an unbelievable way. I probably fell for her already in that very moment. All my observation had taken a rather long time and I was torn from my daydreams when she said "A penny for your thoughts". After returning to the real world I avoided the direct answer by asking her whether she had also been in the cinema, which was confirmed. We talked about the movie and I could brag with my knowledge of the Rat-Pack and the music that was made by Frank Sinatra. She was a good listener, but during my talking I saw that low spark in her eyes slowly being replaced by a mysteriously sad expression, which made her even more desirable. After we finished our cokes I asked her whether I could walk her home and she nodded her head again in agreement. She lived not too far from my parental house. Her apartment actually was in the street of my old elementary school. At her door we shook hands. More was not offered to me but that was OK. I already indicated that free love had not yet arrived in the Dutch society at that time and in addition to that I was already really glad to be in her company. I did not want to do anything that would narrow my chances to see her again. I did however get to know her name which was Toni Westerloo and I got her promise for a date on Saturday night. On that Saturday she robbed my breath again when she appeared in a mini skirt. This was a new fashion trend that had been recently washed over from London, the hippest place in the world by far in the sixties. Her T-shirt was fitting tightly and it was again visible that she wore no bra. It was also very visible that her breasts were small and very firm as they stood out with her nipples peaking against the covering fabrics. Now I had the full view of her legs and they were indeed perfect and incredibly long. I got the confirmation that she looked gorgeous in high heels. Oh man I could have just keep on standing there and devour her with my eyes. The butterflies in my stomach and belly told me that I had to have this girl. We went to eat together in one of the town's Chinese restaurants. Afterwards we went to the old historic market place with its historical town hall on one side and the big "new" church, built in the 16th century, on the other side. As it was a wonderful August evening, we settled down on one of the terraces that border one side of this market. We started to get to know each other better talking about music, films, holidaying, schools and work. She told me she was a hairdresser and was almost nineteen, which made her a year younger than I was. Her job explained my impression of professionalism regarding her hair and make- up. She liked all the new groups that were washing over from England and she loved to go to the movies. We also found out that we even read similar books, which she also preferred to read in English. The subject of families was not touched on that evening and during the following dates. Walking her home that night I noticed that guys who overtook us turned their heads to see the front of the fabulous figure from behind. All of them seemed to be impressed with the front view too. That night we kissed for the first time and although I probed her lips with my tongue she kept them tightly shut. We really got steady during the following time and we saw each other almost every day. Eventually I learned that she was the daughter of a wealthy family, who I knew as they had a big mansion on the outskirts of town. From me she learned that I was still living at home, waiting to go into the army in a few months. I also told her, that my father was working for the town council, which made us a typical middle class family. She told me however that she did not have much contact with her family anymore since she lived on her own. I also got to know in what place she worked and even I knew that that hair salon was the best in town. It had not been my cup of tea to get away from the parental house when I became 18. Still I knew there were many young people who did that so I found nothing strange about that. There was no information about brothers or sisters. She also did not volunteer any information whether she grew up in a strict religious environment, which I suspected she had. I from my side held back with the information that I had an older brother, who was ready with his studies and was now a technical engineer. After that he had gone to Italy where he had gotten a job. The main reason for this move however was because he had met an Italian girl during a family holiday when he was fifteen and that friendship had become an engagement. My parents and I would attend the wedding which would take place shortly before I went into the army. I also got to know her apartment which was basically a big room with a bathroom and a mini kitchen. As her bed also was in that single room we were using that to do our petting, which of course was our favorite pastime. She opened up to me but only her lips, but I found out that kissing her was different as with other girls. Her kisses were passionate at an unbelievable level. There were promises in them and a longing for more although she did not offer more. After some time she let me caress her breast readily, confirming that she did have very small boobs, but I did not care. Her nipples in the centre of small but very prominent aureoles were always hard and pertly provoking me. Admiring her boobs I asked her why she used to go without a bra. Her explanation was that she had to wear one during her work but did not like the confinement of the garment. As soon as she left the shop she discarded it as frequently as she could. She refused to have me remove her panties. She always kept her legs together when I fondled her through the fabric of her garments. During these first tries to get rid of her panties I noticed that she wore two of them. This was new to me but I did not think anything about it. In the beginning I got rid of my briefs, trying to provoke her in doing the same. She asked me not to do it again though, as she was in no way ready to get more intimate with me. I was a little bit chagrined because I had looked forward too much, much more. Being together with her without sex however was so satisfying for me that I did not insist. Secretly I expected the experience, when it would arrive, would be the more exiting because of the long wait. This restriction had an advantage for me. I had ceased to shave my pubic area and could take up that habit again as I really felt uncomfortable not being clean shaven. Her prudish behavior did not cool our friendship. For some time I saw it as a result of her upbringing. Her family may have been rich but its background was probably a very rigid and strictly religious one. I presumed that because they were originating from a region that was west of Delft. This part of the country was one of the regions where mainly very religious farmer families lived. My family was also religious to a certain level. In the Dutch Calvinistic society there was a growing tendency to break away however from the old strict structures. The people who were not ready for this opening up kept among themselves. I suspected her family to be part of this so-called black-stockings church community. Shortly before I went into the army the wedding of Leonard was due and my parents even had me ask her whether she wanted to come along as my girlfriend. She strangely rejected without giving any reason. Because of this invitation however I took her home one evening. She was liked instantly by my mother as well as my father. I even got a compliment from both of them after that visit. Her decision not to accompany us was however not changed during that first encounter with my parents. So I went to Italy without her and visited the city of Bergamo for the first time in my life. The holidays in which Leonard had met Ele had been at the Mediterranean. I knew her family came from Bergamo but I never had been there. One of the reasons was of course that during the last 3 years I had not accompanied my parents during their holidays. Bergamo and the new family were eye openers, Ele's father; Nicola Malfredi was the owner of a small but highly specialized parts supplier for the automotive industry. He had organized Leonard's job with one of the most prominent systems suppliers for that industry. The idea was that my brother would get praxis in another company before he would become part of the family enterprise. He was a real charming man. He was proud of Italy's heritage and an expert in culture and as I would find out also in food matters. And there was Paola, Ele's sister and she was a dream. The last time I had seen her she had been thirteen but now she was one hundred percent woman and a marvelous companion during the wedding. She tried to seduce me but I had the good sense not the let things get out of hand. An important reason for that was the not present Toni of course. She was on my mind all the time and poor I had to acknowledge that I probably had fallen in love with her. It wormed me however endlessly why she had decided to stay in Delft. During the week in Bergamo I discovered my love for Italian food. At home we always ate well but very Dutch, which meant good food with little imagination. With Ele's father as guide I found out what Italians could do with not so good ingredients and loads of imagination. I learned that the Italian cuisine started really in that way, being a cuisine of the common people. This is in contrast to the French cuisine which is a cuisine of the court and of nobility. Today the ingredients do not have to be poor any longer of course, as Italy is one of the richest countries in the world. Many of the famous and best dishes however are still made in the old tradition and like I said, I loved it. We ate the typical Bergamo food like horsemeat bacon (Bresaola), Vasonsei and Vasoncelli as well as Porcini (mushrooms) and Asino (Donkey meat). The local red wine is called Valcalepio. The food basically originated from the mountains that start only a few kilometers North of the city. The first night we ate it in a farm house in that region, on a mountain slope, where Mamma cooked herself. Typical for this kind of restaurant was that the wine was drunk from ordinary stone cups. The second night we went to the Alta Citta, the oldest part of Bergamo situated on a range of hills just North of the 19th Century business district. With the whole of the newer town at our feet we had a dinner of Italian specialties. We also went to Milan to eat fish near a huge fish market. I already knew about shrimps but that evening I learned to know scampi, lobster, even ink fish and shells in all sizes. I asked my father about this kind of sea food and why we never ate it, although he came from a fishermen's family. He told me that the high sea fishers from his birth town had an aversion against shell food. Even mussels that were cultivated in masses in the South of Holland were not on their menu. He had to admit however, that these Italian dishes were fantastic. We also grilled the so-called Fiorentina steak in the garden. With every dish there was another wine from the private wine cellar. After the food the espressos were served with grappa. I certainly could have lived in such a country. When I came back to Holland I had to introduce Toni to the Italian cuisine of course. Firstly by searching out an Italian restaurant, which created problems as in Delft, at that time, no such restaurant could be found. I found one in The Hague but that was expensive. On top of that I did not really like it, so we had to do it ourselves. We bought cook books and started to experiment. Of course I wanted to eat a Fiorentina steak right away but it was impossible to duplicate the Bergamo experience. Every butcher we asked for it had no idea what we were talking about. After those let downs, we started with spaghetti, home made pizza and some antipasti. Imagine that even to get Parmesan cheese other than the grated variation was an adventure. After the wedding, back in Holland we had our first pre-Christmas time together. When my mother found out that she was not visiting her parents on the Christmas days, she invited them on the spot. I wondered why she was alone but loved to be with her during these days. We attended a church service on the first day of Christmas and afterwards listened to the organ together. The dinners with my parents were cozy and I found out that my mother had even convinced to stay overnight, sleeping in Leonard's room. This of course was the ultimate indication that my mother planned with her as the second daughter in law. On New Year's Day, when we kissed I was certain that nothing could separate us from that moment on. During January the next year I was drawn into the army and Toni and I saw each other only during the weekends. Being in an all male company in the army made me an awfully horny guy when on leave. As a result I got ever more impatient with her refusal to get to the next stage in our love making, which did not really deserve the name up to then. After some weeks I made her an ultimatum. I wanted to pet wit her naked. I promised her also that I would not press her to let me penetrate her, if she did not want it. She looked hurt, but also with a strange understanding expression in her face. She said she had to think about it and while she thought about it we should not see each other for a month. I did not see why she had to think about it for such a long time, but I agreed. During that month I really found out how much she meant to me. Being in the army was not my favorite past time and I felt very alone. Especially the weekends going home without the prospect to see her were bad. I even considered getting back to her before the month was over and to accept things as they were. After a month coming back from the base on a Friday I couldn't wait to get to her apartment. She greeted me with her irresistible smile and had me sit on her couch (not the bed). This was the first time that I had not seen her for some time. It was also the first time that I felt like falling in love all over again. She also had Coke and brown rum ready, my favorite drink at the time and started to talk. She said that she had a very serious reason for not wanting to see me for a month. She had planned to use that time to create a distance between us in order to end our affair. During the month however there was one big fault in her plan. She was not able to detach herself from me. The longer the month lasted, the surer she was that she really loved me. I can tell you that I was flattered. She continued by asking me if I was serious, whether I loved her too. Slightly taken aback, I had to admit to myself that I loved her at that moment but I did not know whether that would last forever. Seeing my hesitation she added: "Important is whether you want to give it a serious try". When I confirmed that immediately, she continued by saying that her reason for no getting more intimate with me was not religion but because she was different. I was still contemplating what she meant with different when she stood up. She slowly started to undress her self. I