I was working at my desk early, that morning, when I received the
fateful phone call from my boss, Bill Williamson. "Could you spare me a
minute?" he said in his heavy Scottish accent. This could be good news,
bad news or a job. Things had generally been pretty quiet since the end
of the cold war, with only a couple of short interludes. My main work
now seemed to be full of sorting through endless paperwork and reports,
stuff which I really hated, not what I had joined for, at all.
"Yes, sir," I replied, felling both eagerness and trepidation at the
same time.
I caught the lift to the eighth floor, and walked along the oak
panelled corridor to where his secretary sat.
"Go straight in, he's waiting for you," she said.
I knocked and without waiting entered, closing the bookcase lined door
behind me. "Have a seat," he said. This was either bad news or a job.
Normally, good news was delivered to me while I was standing! It was
budget time, the government was looking for additional cuts and there
was a great deal of speculation about who would be next for the chop.
We had only just moved into our sparkling new headquarters on the South
Bank of the Thames, which had cost a fortune, and was bristling with
every latest security feature. However, intelligence gathering was not
what it used to be and our emphasis had now changed to shadowing
dissident and terrorist groups, with particular interest in Ireland,
both North and South rather than the much more exiting job of overseas
intelligence.
"I've got something for you. It's a deep cover operation," he said, with
a sly smile on his face. Music to my ears, I thought, so at least I
wasn't going to be sacked and would be getting an operation. "Read this
dossier and come back in half an hour," handing me the brand new, buff
coloured foolscap wallet folder, with an absence of any writing on it at
all. I made a mental note of the time 08:32, so would have to back by
09:02. He was a bit of a stickler for time, a hangover from his own
operations days behind the Iron Curtain.
I went back to my office, passing by the tea machine, with its "Out of
Order" notice emblazoned across the front. A multi-million pound
building, I thought, and we can't even get a cup of tea when we need it!
I sat at my desk, wondering what was in the dossier. A nice office, I
thought, shouldn't think I'll be seeing it for much longer.
I opened the folder, the dossier inside said on the front "Lesbian
Revenge." The information inside was pretty scanty, basically, the group
appeared to be a 'gang' of militant feminists, born out of the so called
'Peace camp' at Greenham Common during the late eighties. My thoughts,
on that subject were that in fact nuclear weapons had in fact kept the
peace far more successfully, than any Peace group and that I considered
CND and other groups to be a bunch of people dangerous to both peace and
this country's security. Feminism, too was not one of my strong suits
and I was certainly no 'New Man'. This group had recently graduated from
visiting MPs at their homes and harassing them into listening to their
arguments about sexual discrimination, to invading security
installations for publicity. They had been successful on several
attempts and caused the organisations concerned considerable
embarrassment.
There were some pictures of the leaders taken from various 'Gay Pride'
marches with a brief resume of each. All interesting stuff but I could
not really see why I had been chosen for the job of shadowing such a
bunch of radicals.
My particular forte was usually under cover field work behind enemy
lines. In fact, my last job had been skulking around Baghdad with the
SAS guiding cruise missiles, on account of my fluent Arabic. This
couldn't even be a 'singing canary' scenario, as even my boss must
realise that lesbians are immune to male charm and the liklihood of me
sducing any of them would be small indeed.
I returned to his office. "How did you get on with dossier?" he asked.
"Well, Sir, the information seems to be straight forward enough, but
what do you want me to do about it?"
"We have reason to believe that they are up to something out of the
ordinary, something big, and we have absolutely no idea what it is. We
want you to infiltrate the organisation and report back on what they are
up to."
"Shouldn't this be a job for a female operative, sir?. She would
actually be able to get right inside the operation, to a position of
trust and attend meetings first hand, whereas I, as a mere man, would
only be able to glean information from around the periphery. It is
unlikely that I could start a relationship with one of these women as
they are Lesbians and by definition, with all due respect, sir, don't
like men. Furthermore the chance of a man infiltrating a Lesbian
organisation would be impossible."
"You have been chosen for this operation, Antony, for several good
reasons. Firstly, you have a track record unparalleled by any of our
other agents. Secondly, last year, we tried to infiltrate this
organisation using a female agent. They not only turned her into a
lesbian but against us. She fortunately met with an accident before she
could do any serious damage to us. We really think that a man should do
this and that you are the ideal candidate."
"I'm pleased that you should consider me for a mission but I still don't
understand what makes you think that I am for this one," I responded.
"You do understand that failure to disclose anything of material
importance at your positive vetting could be grounds for dismissal or
even prosecution, don't you?"
"What do you mean, Sir?"
"You are a good operative, and I would hate to have you dismissed from
the service for failure to disclose at your PV hearing. Would you like
me to go into your lack of disclosure chapter and verse?"
I was beginning to get an idea to what he was referring but being unsure
of what he knew decided to let him tell me. Actually I was quite excited
and had already made up my mind to accept the mission.
"I'm not sure what you mean, Sir," I replied.
"I know that for some time you have been living a bit of a double life.
You think you have been careful enough but a chance visit to your home
by one of our officers started a full investigation into your behaviour.
As he arrived at your house, he saw a woman emerge, get into your car
and drive off."
He handed me an 10" x 6" photograph. I looked at it determined to play
the game right to the end.
"He thought nothing of it at the time and proceeded to knock on your
door. There was no reply. He was a bit puzzled as there was also no
mention in your file of a current relationship. He waited. About four
hours later, the woman returned. There was still no sign of you. About
one hour later. You came out of the door, got into the car and drove
off. This made him somewhat curious, so he knocked on the door again
with the intention of getting a closer look at her, pretending to be a
Jehovah's Witness. There was no reply again. On your return he took
another photograph. He then came back and reported to me. I sent him to
observe your movements over the following week. This was during your
holiday in August. During this period either you or the woman were seen
entering or exiting from the house but never together. You both used the
car. She went out in the evenings dressed to the nines, you stayed at
home. Yet while she was out you did not answer the phone. One evening,
he decided to tail her, she met a man and they had a meal at a
restaurant in Islington. She then went back to his place, leaving there
about 3 a.m. returning to your house. We could find nothing out about
her, until one of the cryptographers happened to see the photo and quite
innocently remarked that she must be your sister as the resemblance was
so striking. Do I need to say more?"
It was obvious to me that he now knew the whole story and there was no
point in attempting to deny it. At least he wasn't going to sack me. "No
sir, I'll take the job and can we forget about the nonTMdisclosure?"
"Good, you might even get to enjoy it!. Regarding the other matter we'll
sort it out after the mission is completed."
The inferrence was obvious, if the mission was successful the matter
would be dropped.
"How far do you want me to go?" I asked.
"Before you start, we'll give you a new I.D., female, of course. I hear
you've been using the name 'Angela Collins'. I'll have the documents
made in that name. Ok?"
I nodded my agreement.
You'll need to let your house, tell the neighbours you're going off on a
world trip, find a flat, Central London, and a job, probably
secretarial, as a cover. Do you think you can sustain the role?"
"Well, I seem to generally be accepted, as a woman when I go out
dressed, but full time could be a bit of a strain."
"You'll have to lose the boyfriend and you could probably lose a few
pounds of flab as well, employers tend to prefer slim secretaries. There
is a small health farm in Bucks caters for top people, very discreet
etc. I suggest you go there for a couple of weeks to get fit, learn your
new cover, brush up on your secretarial skills, make up etc. By the
way, you'll obviously need some expenses for rent, clothes and other
incidentals, two thousand should cover it. Make sure you keep the
receipts."
"Thank you, Sir." I could hardly believe my luck. Normally expenses were
strictly limited and Bill was certainly not usually the most generous
with doling them out.
"I want monthly reports on everything you find out, usual channels. Oh,
and by the way, you may need these. You don't have to, but they may
prove useful. Something the Doctor suggested! Do you know what they
are?"
He handed me a small brown bottle with small round pills inside, the
label said "Ethinyloestradiol 50 Mcg Tablets. One to be taken twice a
day with meals." Without waiting for my reply, he said "The're female
hormones. We thought they might help your cover, but you better go and
speak to the doctor about them, he'll explain. I must stress that the
choice is yours. He's waiting for you, now. Good Luck."
I left Bill's office with very mixed feelings and went to seek out the
doctor in his second floor office. I had not had much contact with him,
apart from the standard check ups that we all had annually and prior to
missions. He seemed a pleasant enough man, but I felt a bit embarrassed
about discussing with him the prospects of me taking female hormones. I
need not have worried as his bedside manner was impeccable.
He said, "I hear you're going on a mission. So standard checkup, strip
down to your underpants and let's have a look at you. Put your clothes
on the chair over there." He did all the normal checks. Heartbeat,
blood pressure, listened to the breathing and weighed me.
"You're rather overweight, I suggest you lose at least 20 pounds but
apart from that you're ok. I hear you've been given some tablets, do you
want to talk about them?"
"Yes," I said, "I'd like to know what effect these tablets are likely to
have on me."
"Well," he said, "they are normally given to post menopausal women as
hormone replacement therapy. The effect they would have on you, should
you decide to take them, would be that you would probably grow some
breast tissue and put on weight around the hips. I'm informed that they
may also improve your head hair and skin softness, but will kill your
male sexual drive and have the effect of shrinking your penis. After a
time your testes will atrophy and you will stop producing sperm, in fact
you will undergo a form of chemical castration. They may also slow down
the rate of body hair growth and give a much softer downier form of hair
growth. These effects, I'm told, vary from person to person, so it's
difficult to predict exactly how long this will take or what the full
consequences may be. Also there is the increased risk of deep vein
thrombosis, especially if you smoke, and your chance of getting breast
cancer is equal to any ordinary woman. Do you still want to take them?"
he asked with a slightly evil gleam in his eyes.
"I'm not sure I want to take them at all," I lied, knowing full well
that I had probably wished for nothing else all my life, but both my
social standing, my job and family would have been adversely affected
had I done anything like that before. However, now things had changed,
not only was my job protected but I was being actively encouraged to do
the very thing I had wanted to all along.
He continued, "Of course, the effect are reversible afterwards but you
may have to have a mastectomy if the breasts grow too large. down below
things should return to normal in about two to three months after
ceasing the tablets"
I went back to my office and booked myself into the health farm for two
weeks under my name and though about the rest of the day. There was a
lot to plan. I made a list in no particular order:-
Health Farm (Lose weight)
Ditch Chris
Clear House
Find new flat (preferably central London not too pricey)
Let House
New I.D.
Get job
Infiltrate Lesbian Revenge
That seemed enough to be getting on with for now. In fact it seemed
quite a daunting list.
Chris had been my 'boyfriend' for about a year. We had met in a bar
where there were a mixture of people both gay and straight, male and
female, transvestite and transsexual. I had been dressed as a woman at
the time, and we had been going out ever since. He had never known me as
anything other than a woman.
At first, it had been fun. We went to the Cinema and ordinary
restaurants, everyone accepting me as the woman I appeared to be.
However, there was never any real physical attraction for me of him and
I found kissing him very difficult. He became more and more infatuated
with me and wanted an increasingly sexual relationship. I did not, but
felt I had to do certain things for him in order to sustain the
relationship. Breaking up would not be easy.
I phoned him and made an arrangement to meet on Saturday evening. I
planned to break up the relationship on Saturday and then disappear for
a couple of weeks so he could phone me as often as he liked for two
weeks and not find me in.
Finding a flat, and a job, could not begin till I had my new identity,
otherwise it would cause all sorts of complications later. I called the
documents section and asked them when all the new papers would be ready.
They assured me that they would be completed by lunchtime the following
day, but they would need four photos for the passport as soon as
possible. I asked if first thing tomorrow morning would be ok and was
told that I could bring them in when I collected the documents. It is
only a matter of fixing the photo, laminating over the top and then
stamping it with the foreign office stamp, a job that only takes a
couple of minutes.
I thought I could start doing some research on flats. It had to be in
Central London, not too expensive, in keeping with the job I had to
find, and very accessible by public transport. Thinking about the job
itself, should it be permanent or temporary? Fortunately, being used to
endless report writing my keyboard skills were up to date and I was a
reasonably fast typist. I had also done several computer courses in my
spare time in the evening, so I was quite familiar with most of the
standard software packages available in most offices but more aware of
IBM compatible software rather that Apple/Macs. However, never having
been a Secretary I was rather concerned about fitting in with the social
etiquette of a large office.
It might be best to try temping, preferably, to start with, in a small
office, if possible. I would need to prepare a CV very quickly and would
therefore need to know as much as possible about my new identity. Still,
from past experience the department was usually pretty good with things
like that, and I would be given a full dossier along with the passport
and other documents. I would need to put most of my belongings in store,
as I was going to let the house. Some of my things would be used to
furnish the flat. I would also need to find an agency to let the house
and once I had done that there would be no going back for some time.
I would be fully committed to living as a woman for the foreseeable
future. The transition would be difficult. As far as I was aware none of
my neighbours knew of my double life. I was always very careful when
leaving the house not to be observed. This meant usually going out in
the evening after dark and in any case always staying out till after
nightfall when 'dressed'. When I did need to go out during the day, I
would park the car right up to the front door and check everyone's
whereabouts quite carefully from the upstairs windows before leaving the
house. I know I had been seen once or twice by various neighbours but
believe that either they did not notice or assumed that someone else was
using my car or even that it was someone else's car. White Vauxhall
Corsa's are fairly common in our area.
I needed to get the photos for tomorrow. I could get these at any
station automatic photo machine. As it was now September, dusk fell
about 7.30 in the evening. That would allow me plenty of time to go
home, get changed, get my photos and still have an early night.
I had a close shave and spent extra time and care over my makeup. I
applied a good foundation, exentuated my eyes with liner, shaded my
eyelids with blue, blushed my cheeks with a reddish powder and used a
luscious deep pink lipstick. I then got dressed in some fairly 'firm
control' bra and briefs, black tights, pink silk blouse and black
wrapover skirt. Chunky earrings, chains round my neck and wrists and
several rings completed the ensemble. I got my gorgeous shoulder length
wig off it's stand and put it on carefully. Then I brushed it out with
an intense feeling that I was me, again. A feeling that I got every time
I dressed despite the fact that I had been dressing up since my
childhood. I selected a black handbag and shoes, a light raincoat and I
was almost ready to face the world. I checked my image in the full
length mirror in the hall and was generally pleased with what I saw,
although I could certainly do with losing some weight. The neighbours
all seemed to have settled down by now and the light outside had dimmed,
so I set the alarm, and left.
I drove to a nearby underground station, but not the one I usually used,
and parked the car. Went into the booking office and found the machine.
There was a group of four teenage boys nearby. Young people always make
me feel nervous, in case they see through me, not only are they more
aware but also more likely to say something. I thought shall I go back
or carry on. I decided to brazen it out, after all, I was going to be
living this way for some time to come and could not continue to be
frightened by shadows. I approached the machine and went inside. They
took no notice of me at all.
I checked my appearance in the mirror, adjusted the seat, and put the
money in. Knowing that it would take a few minutes for the photos to be
ready, I was in no hurry to leave the photo booth, until I was aware
that someone else was waiting. I left the booth and waited outside it,
fortunately the boys had gone by this time. A few anxious minutes later,
the photos were delivered. I was quite pleased with the result and I
went back to the car to drive home.
On my way home, I was driving along a road where there had been a murder
a few months earlier and was stopped by a policeman standing in the
middle of the road waving a torch about. I pulled over and He came round
to the driver's window, which I wound down. He stated that they were
doing a 'document check' and did I have any. I asked if a driving
licence would do, he nodded, and with my heart beating quite hard, found
it in my handbag, and handed it over. Another few days, I thought, and
this would not have been a problem. He looked at the licence and then
back at my face, shining the light a bit closer and asked, "Is this your
licence?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Are you sure this is your licence?" he asked, again a mixture of
amusement and consternation in his voice, at the same time turning the
licence round so I could see it. I chose not to look at it, merely
replying "Yes."
"But it's a man's licence," he stated incredulously.
"Yes," I said, "that's right."
At this point the poor man looked totally flustered. So I smiled sweetly
at him. This obviously totally disarmed him and made him forget any
questions he had meant to ask. He handed me back my licence, thanked me,
wished me "Goodnight" and I drove off giggling like a schoolgirl.
On arriving home, I parked the car in the garage and went inside. I
decided to have a quick bite to eat, watch a bit of television and go to
bed early. I found some bread and cheese in the fridge, made myself a
sandwich and ate it in front of the television. There was some medical
program on about the cost of medicines to the National health and it was
then I remembered my tablets.
Should I take one? I hardly hesitated. I popped one into my mouth and
tried to swallow it. It left a dry bitterish taste so I washed it down
with some water, and ate some of my sandwich. Later, I went to bed.
For September it was quite a hot night and I felt very restless. I had a
very odd dream, which was quite vivid. I dreamt I was a woman lying
naked chained spread-eagled to a double bed. The bed had brass bedsteads
and I was chained to it by the ankles and wrists. A very large black
man, who I had never seen before, came into the room, undressed and then
roughly raped me. I could do nothing, I was totally powerless. I
struggled but the chains only cut into me more. I pleaded with him to
leave me alone, I screamed, but this only made him more violent. He said
it was pointless to scream as the room was soundproofed. He kissed me
and I nearly threw up. He squeezed my breasts till they hurt, and he
forced himself into me till I bled, only ceasing when he was totally
satiated. He then calmly got up, got dressed and left the room as if
nothing had happened. I was at the point of worrying about AIDS and if I
would become pregnant, when I woke up to find I was sweating from head
to foot. I went to the bathroom, washed myself down and went back to
sleep. This time a lot more peacefully, but a lot more aware of some of
the dangers faced by women.
The next morning I took the photos and went to the document section.
Anne, the girl who ran it told me that all 'the young women's papers'
were ready, and asked if I had her photos. I gave them to her and she
remarked, clearly not realising that they were of me, said "She's a bit
butch, clearly your taste in women has deteriorated since our affair."
I just grinned, the fewer people who knew about this little escapade,
the better. She completed the work on the passport and put it into a
folder which already had other documents in it.
I returned to my office to read the dossier and study the papers. I had
been using the name Angela Collins but this was a new identity. I was
the same age 38. There was a full driving licence, no endorsements,
showing an address which I recognised as a 'safe house'. I knew from
previous experience that this could be sent to the Driver and Vehicle
Licensing centre in Swansea and have the address changed in the usual
way as it was a genuine licence with the correct entries on the central
computer.
The passport purported to be 2 years old and was one of the new red
European Community ones. My Birth certificate showed me as being born in
London at the Westminster Hospital, sex 'Girl', parents one John Peter
Collins Sales Director and Mary Elizabeth Collins nee Flanders of an
address previously unknown to me. There was also a briefing on my school
days, a girls public school in Northwood Middx, that I knew reasonably
well, because my sister had been to it, and a resume of teachers' names,
house names and buildings. This could prove useful if I met anyone who
had also been there.
I apparently had not been too academic as I had only achieved seven 'O'
levels an two 'A' levels, one in French and the other in 'Economics'.
Subjects which fortunately I could handle perfectly satisfactorily. I
had not gone to University, so there would be no records, there to trip
me up. I had gone travelling for some time after leaving school and
spent some time in the Middle East where I had learnt Arabic (no point
in hiding it, it might prove useful). I had returned to England for a
few years. then gone travelling again. As I had in fact travelled a lot
during my life all of this was quite feasible. Dental records and
medical records were also included with the details suitably altered.
There were also details of former addresses where I had lived in
different parts of London, so I would need to visit them just so I knew
the locality suitably well.
Looking through all these documents gave me a slightly odd feeling, I
was now the woman I had always dreamt of being, for the foreseeable
future. A lesbian, feminist with balls. Although, the last part was a
secret to be kept to myself. Better still if things didn't work out I
could always return to being a man.
I thought that as there was little I could do in my present persona, as
a man, I would at least visit one of the previous flats I was supposed
to have lived in. It was up for letting having previously been used by
the department, so I made an appointment with the agent, under yet
another assumed name and went to visit it, just off Fitzjohn's Avenue in
Hampstead. I needed also to contact an agent regarding letting my house
and to tell my sister that I was going abroad, explain about the house
and arrange with her to keep an eye on the letting. I knew that several
people in my road had used a particular agency who specialised in
letting houses to American Servicemen from the nearby bases. I contacted
them and the agreed to send someone to look over the property at 10 a.m.
on Saturday morning. Then, having spoken to my Sister on the phone, I
went home to spend one of my few last evenings, as myself, watching the
television.
Saturday morning came quickly. I had a luxurious foam bath. Then using
my 'Epilady' removed my body hair from my legs, feet, arms hands,
stomach, chest area, underarms and back. This took the best part of an
hour and a half and left me all red and blotchy. I put on some long
trousers and a sweat shirt which hid my arms. This just left the backs
of my hands which made me look as if I had measles. i hoped that the
blotches would subside by the time the lady from the agency arrived. As
I had not shaved that morning and only shaved selective areas of my face
the previous day, the hair above and below my lips, on my chin and
cheeks was long enough for plucking with a pair of tweezers which took
me the best part of the next hour and a half.
The letting agency lady arrived and looked over the house, she said she
had a particular family in mind, who would want the place in about three
weeks time, also at a suitable price. They would come round at that
afternoon to view it and if they liked it the wheels could be set in
motion. I had arranged to meet Chris at eight o'clock so if they arrived
promptly at four o'clock this would give me plenty of time.
I mowed the lawn, had a light lunch, did some shopping and waited for
them to arrive. They loved the house so it was agreed that they would
move in three weeks time. This would give me a week at the health farm
and a couple of weeks to find a flat move in and move the rest of my
belongings to a store. Bank accounts and credit cards would be a problem
until I had a job, although I could continue to use my bank card at cash
machines till I had fully settled into my new identity. My pay would
still be going into a building society account in my old name while I
was under cover, so that would be a good bonus for afterwards. I would
have to live on my new earnings so that my lifestyle would not be out of
keeping with my new job. I could, though, transfer some funds at the
beginning in order to help set me up.
At about six o'clock, I started to get dressed. I always dressed smartly
in the evening when going out and was often better dressed that most of
the other women wherever Chris and I went. They usually seemed to wear
jeans instead of skirts, but I almost always wore a black skirt with
black tights. One of the things that annoyed me about Chris was that he
never dressed really smartly in a suit or smart shirt, tie and jacket
but almost always wore jeans. He also took me to rather down market
places whereas I considered myself to be a rather upmarket lady.
I finished dressing with these thoughts in mind, and was actually quite
pleased that we were going to be finishing our relationship that night.
Having finally checked myself in the hall mirror, I then decided to
check to see if the coast was clear.
Unfortunately, the man living in the house opposite was continuing to
do, what he appeared to have taken every waking minute of the summer
doing, which was painting his house. He must have painted the woodwork
round the windows about three times, the pebble-dashing twice and the
black beams twice. However, each window had been taken off it's hinges
rubbed down carefully, primed, undercoated and top coated individually.
I hate to imagine how long the process, would have taken had we not just
had the driest summer since records began!
Eventually he went inside and just as I was about to effect my escape,
the old lady who lived directly opposite came out to water her flowers.
This took on average about ten minutes from past experience, so I gave
Chris a ring to say I would be a bit late. As soon as she went inside, I
gave a last quick look out of the window and seeing no one, set the
alarm and dashed for the car.
I met Chris at the usual place in London, near Tottenham Court Road.
This was a convenient spot for us to meet as it was near an Underground.
Chris did not drive a car. I was able to always find a place to park the
car and wait, and it fairly central to wherever that we may subsequently
decide to go.
He was late, as usual, and he also had no idea as to what we should be
doing that evening. These were two more things which annoyed me greatly
in his character.
Eventually, I suggested we went to see a film that was on in Chelsea, to
which he begrudgingly agreed. After the film, we picked up the Sunday
newspapers at a shop in King's Road, that was always open late on
Saturday night. This would save me having to go out for them on Sunday
morning after getting home very late.
We went back to his place and I parked the car in the road outside. He
asked me to come in. I did not want to and told him so. At that point he
asked me why not. I thought that being blunt would probably be the best
approach. I told him, "Chris, I think we ought to end it."
He said, "What?" obviously not understanding the words I was telling
him.
"Our relationship."
"Why?"
"Because it's going no where, and I want to."
"But I love you," he said.
"Well," I said, feeling like a heartless bitch, "I've told you all along
not to get too involved with me as I did not want to get involved
emotionally."
"Is there someone else?"
"No," I replied wondering if I should lie that there was. This was all
feeling slightly strange to me as I had never had a man fall in love
with me before and was far more used to ending relationships with women,
or them ending relationships with me.
"Well, you've picked a very bad time to do this, I'm about to be thrown
out of my flat,and you're thinking of chucking me too. You could at
least help see me through this rough patch I'm going through."
I was feeling rather guilty but at the same time telling myself I had to
extract myself from this relationship.
"Please, at least come inside and discuss it," he pleaded.
I could not refuse him. When we got inside, he started to caress me in
such a way, that he knew always had a tremendously powerful effect on
me. Somehow, my breasts felt more sensitive than usual, despite the
silicone falsies in my bra. I lay back on the bed, as putty in his hands
and slowly rubbed me where, if I had a clitoris, it would have been.
This made me feel incredibly relaxed and after rubbing himself off
against my body, with his jeans still on, we fell asleep. I woke up at
02:30 and told him I had to get home before it was light or the
neighbours would see me return.
He asked me to promise to see him again. I refused, but said that I
would ring him. I drove home feeling very annoyed with myself that I had
not managed to completely end the relationship. Emotional ties are a
dangerous liability in my work. Loose ends must be tied. I got home,
undressed, washed off my makeup and went to bed in my gorgeous soft
silky satin pink nightie, remembering to take my pill. I lay in bed
dozing for a while wondering what it would really be like to be a real
woman, having a man physically. With that thought on my mind I drifted
off to sleep.
Later that Sunday, I had to pack my suitcase for my trip to the health
farm and the start of my last two weeks, as a man, for the foreseeable
future. After this, who would know what might befall me. I packed some
casual, some sporty things, and a suit, just in case one was expected to
dress for dinner and reflected how different my wardrobe might have been
had I been going there as a woman.
The health farm was a large country house situated in several acres with
a long drive up to it from the gates. Near the house, were large areas
of lush green lawn. Further out was some woodland, and some fields. A
golf course was in evidence and behind the house was an enclosed
swimming pool and tennis courts.
I checked in and was shown to my room on the first floor overlooking the
back of the house. I unpacked and looked through the various leaflets,
outlining what was on offer and meal times. I determined to enjoy myself
as much as possible, while I was there and enjoy as many of the
facilities to their fullest extent, while at the same time losing weight
and toning up. That evening I had a light meal and went to bed early.
The next day, I went for an early morning swim before breakfast. played
eighteen holes of golf, lunched, had a rest for an hour, worked out in
the gym, and had a massage and sauna. The day after, my body told me to
take things a bit easier. I was generally, getting to know people. I
noticed that there was a considerable imbalance of the sexes with many
middle aged and older women there. It was quite interesting observing
the behaviour patterns of these women in order to gain some ideas, for
although I had frequently gone out dressed, living in the role of a
woman would be a completely different matter.
It was quite sad really, for a lot of them were there because they felt
they were on the verge of losing their husbands and hoped desperately
that a week or two at a health farm might change things. There was
however a younger group of women there which I got to know quite well
and with whom over the next few days played tennis and generally enjoyed
the amenities on offer.
In fact, I got to know one of them, Maria, the wife of an extremely
wealthy Argentinean businessman, considerably better than all the rest.
He apparently was off on one of his trips round the world and had left
her for a few days in England. He apparently, had lots of affairs, so
she did not feel guilty about the occasional indulgence. We both knew it
was just a holiday romance and would not last afterwards, but while we
were together, we enjoyed eachother to the full.
What with the diet and all the sporting activity over that week and the
next I lost fourteen pounds. However, towards the end of my stay at the
health farm, Maria commented that I seemed to have the 'budding breasts
of a teenage girl'. This did not worry her at all, she had added, as she
herself sometimes indulged in relationships with women and loved the
feel of a woman's breasts next to her. I stopped swimming and kept
myself covered for fear of other peoples' comments. I was, however,
enjoying the increased responsiveness of the feelings and had noticed
how much larger the dark area round the nipple grew when I was sexually
aroused than before.
When I arrived home, I started to pack up all my male clothes and
personal possessions as these would have to go into storage. Some of my
belongings I would need in the flat but I decided to only take bare
necessities so that I could build up a much more feminine image. My bed,
appropriately queen size, dinning room table and chairs an occasional
table from the lounge and two of the chairs. The settee was not suitable
as it was large and not flouncy enough for my taste. I would need to buy
some more feminine bedding also and began to look forward to my new
adventure.
The phone rang to break my reverie; It was Chris. He had been ringing me
all last week and there had been no reply. He asked me out and I
refused. Where had I been? I lied that I had found someone else and was
in love with him, hoping this would bring matters to a head. It did. He
pleaded, cried and begged all to no avail and when finally, he turned
nasty, I put the phone down on him, glad that he did not know my
address. I started work typing my C.V. on my laptop computer. With a bit
of factual information from my life, a lot of information from the file
and a bit of artist's licence, I quickly put one together, that I
thought read suitably well and would impress the temping agency.
My computer and my HP laserjet printer had been a good investment, I
would certainly be taking them with me, wherever I ended up. I could
also use the modem for filing reports with HQ when necessary. Times had
changed a lot since the days of dead letter boxes. Confidential work was
not held on the hard disk though but on a credit card unit that fitted
into the PCMCIA slot in the side of the machine. This held the
encryption codes and communication software along with any confidential
reports and was never kept anywhere near the computer except while in
use.
Because of my job, I had not accumulated too many personal possessions
and worked out fairly quickly what I would need. I had decided to keep,
one man's outfit handy as I would need something in the transition
phase. This would consist of a sweatshirt, trousers, sock and shoes. It
was the minimum I could get away with, and would not arouse too much
suspicion if subsequently found in my flat. I would also need to wear
something when laying the false trail with my neighbours.
On the Monday morning, I rang the temping agency, explained the sort of
job I was looking for, and arranged an appointment to go and see them at
2:00 that afternoon. This would give me plenty of time to get dressed
and make my 'escape' without being noticed.
I dressed in a smart office suit. It was a dark grey pinstripe jacket
and skirt with a cerise silk blouse, black shoes and handbag, that I had
bought from 'Next'. I took special care over my makeup, so it looked
like a minimum but was in fact fairly thick. A small pair of earrings,
one ring and a smart but functional watch. The weather looked as if it
might turn nasty so I put on a blue-grey light raincoat and carried a
small fold up umbrella, as I would not want my wig to get wet.
I arrived in good time at the agency, presented my CV, was given an
interview and a typing speed test, which seemed to be acceptable. They
seemed to think there would be no great problem finding me temporary
work, but wondered if I might be interested in something permanent. It
was quite obvious to me that they had absolutely no idea that I was not
quite what I appeared to be. I insisted that at the start I wanted temp
jobs as I was not sure I would want to work every week. I said I would
be ready for work the following Monday and it was agreed that I would
phone on Friday to see if there was an assignment for Monday morning.
Things were now beginning to shape up quite well, so I thought I ought
to start looking for a flat. So I travelled to Belsize Park and went to
an estate agents there, to see what might be available. I was looking
for a one bedroom flat with lounge/dining room, kitchen and bathroom,
not too expensive. Most of what was on offer seemed to be horrifically
expensive but just about affordable, provided I found regular
employment.
I quite liked the area and it fitted well with both my cover story and
my current requirements. I made appointments to see two flats, one that
afternoon and one the following day. I drove by both flats to see what I
thought of the localities, proximity to shops and the tube. The second
looked more promising from the point of view that although further from
the tube appeared to have a bit more potential for parking the car more
easily. So I agreed to rent it for a minimum for a year and paid a
month's rent in advance and a month's rent as security, also providing
all the necessary references.
I had decided by this time to keep the car but reregister it in my new
name. As the flat was empty and unfurnished, the paperwork would be
completed by Friday and I could have the keys for the weekend, which
suited me perfectly. As I had arranged to let the house furnished, only
my personal items needed to go into store, also I needed to prepare
three itineraries of the things that would be staying, the things that
would be going with me and the things that would be going into store.
The week flew by, surprisingly almost without hitch. I had arrange for
the removal van to come on Friday. This would be an awkward problem as
how could I be a man at one end of the journey and a woman at the other?
The problem was solved with a bit of thought. I had made a plan of the
new flat and marked on it where the furniture had to go. The flat had
two keys. I would greet the removal men and supervise the loading. Then
some kind of emergency would crop up. I would give them the plans and
the second key, with the instruction that if I had not managed to get
there before they had finished they were to post it back through the
letter box. A nice large tip would, I felt, ensure the bargain. I could
then take the keys of my house to the letting agency. Drive to a quiet
spot to apply some makeup, wig and jewellery to an otherwise androgynous
outfit and appear at my new abode, as a woman.
Surprisingly everything went according to plan and by late Friday
afternoon, I was installed in my new flat and unpacked all my clothes. I
could not believe it. I walked round and round it a thousand times. I
looked in the cupboards in the bedroom and was greeted by a fabulous
array of colour and not one man's suit in sight anywhere. I Looked in a
set of drawers full of my undies and nighties. I looked down a the
cupboard floor and there were my shoes, flatties, sling-backs, courts
and heels. I looked in the mirrors and there was me, a woman looking
back. I wondered if I would ever revert back to being a man. I rang the
agency and was given the address for my job on Monday morning.
On Saturday morning, I got up early, and went to the shops to buy some
bedroom curtains as there were only nets fitted. The rail was there and
looked in good shape. I went to Marks and Spencers and purchased some
ready made curtains that surprisingly fitted exactly. I also bought a
matching duvet cover. The kitchen had a space for a washing machine but
there was not one fitted although all the pipework was in place; at
least I had my ironing board and Iron! I thought I would buy a washing
machine as a lady deserves some luxuries and I did not fancy trekking to
the launderette regularly. I purchased a machine with a tumble dryer and
paid by credit card. (I had arranged several years ago that one of my
visa cards had an additional cardholder called 'Angela Collins' so I was
able to use this without a problem.) They would deliver it next Saturday
morning.
I also did some shopping for food and followed by a relaxed Sunday
walking in the park and getting to know the area. I also made sure my
clothes were ironed and sorted out for Monday. Black skirt, one inch
above the knee; red jacket with tapered waist, teal silk blouse, black
15 denier tights, black long line bra and corselette (to hold me in the
right places), black shoes with a small heal and an assortment of
jewellery (earrings, clip on, neck chain and pendant, bracelet watch and
bracelet for other wrist and one ring. I tried on the full ensemble as I
wanted to be sure to make the right impression. I thought I looked good
and that most men would find me quite attractive. After checking the
exact address of the office with the A-Z and deciding to go by tube as
it was in the West End and would be impossible to park, I went to bed
early that evening and set the alarm for early the next morning.
When I got up the next morning I had a luxurious foam bath, plucked my
face and applied my makeup as lightly as possible although ensuring an
adequate cover. I excentuated my eyes to make them look larger without
making them look tarty and applied a very light eyeshadow. A trace of
blusher on my cheeks and a rather pretty shade of pink lipstick. I
looked good and felt good, I just hoped my boss would think the same. I
arrived early and introduced myself to him. Peter Lee, was quite what I
thought most women would describe as dishy. About my age, and it was
obvious he quite appreciated, what he saw also. He explained that his
secretary was on holiday and that the general duties would be answering
the phone, typing letters and a bit of filing, plus greeting clients and
making coffee.
It seemed straight forward enough, but then he asked if I took
dictation. I replied that I did not do shorthand but wrote quite quickly
in an abbreviated form that I used as an aide memoir and provided there
was not too much of it I should be able to cope. He asked me into his
office and he dictated a couple of letters, which I was able to get down
quite easily. He had a certain incredibly sexy tone to his voice and it
was only the thought that I was supposed to be a lesbian that kept me on
the straight and narrow. Although I think if he had made a pass at me I
might well have responded positively. I quickly got to understand that
the business was in import/export over a wide range of products and was
based entirely on his entrepreneurial skill. I also learned that he was
happily married with two children. He saw several clients, all men and I
enjoyed being appreciated by most of them. It was almost as if I could
read their minds, although I knew the joke was on them. I wondered if
after a few weeks or months of exposure to this sort of behaviour I
would develop an attitude towards it in the same way as many feminists
seem to have, that a man looking at them is not a gesture of
appreciation but of a pervert lusting after a sex-object.
On Wednesday evening I went along to the meeting of the 'Lesbian
Revenge'. I went home first and changed into something a bit more
appropriate. Jeans, checked shirt and waistcoat and toned down the
makeup and tied back my hair, a bit like something out of 'Prisoner Cell
Block H'. I walked into the barn like hall where the meeting was to be
held and was almost universally ignored. I thought 'What a friendly
bunch of people!'. So I went to the nearest group and said 'Hello, I'm
Angela, I don't know anyone here, can I join you?" They all introduced
themselves and I sat down. They asked me various questions about myself,
how long I'd been on the scene, whether I was 'out' as a Lesbian,
married and/ or had children. They explained that this was a social
evening but there might be a group discussion later on. I got on quite
well with them and I realised I was accepted by them, as a woman, when
the talk turned to which was the best vibrator on the market. The
general view seemed to be that it none of the battery driven types but
was the mains driven Hitachi. Surprising what you can learn by becoming
a lesbian, I thought.
The discussion was about general feminist topics and no doubt covered
all the ground they had all covered many times before. There was the
usual theme that 'All men are rapist oppressors' and one unfortunate
woman told how she had been raped by her father over a period of several
years. Of course, based on this experience all men were evil, but no
doubt it helped to re-enforce the group prejudice. There was no sign of
any new big event being planned but several former 'successes' were
harked back upon and discussed with great feelings of satisfaction.
Clearly, whatever was being planned, if anything, must be being planned
by an inner core. I would need to identify the leaders and attempt
subtly to infiltrate it. Not wishing to push my luck I left at about
midnight, when the meeting started to break up, mindful of the fact that
I had to be up early in the morning.
After a few days I found I actually enjoyed the job, it was not too
demanding and by the end of the week was sorry when it ended. Peter
asked me for my phone number so he could contact me again directly.
Although, I knew I should not have given it to him as appointments
should be made through the agency, I did anyway, in the hope that
perhaps his secretary would leave and I might be offered a permanent
job.
I had noticed during the week that it was rather tedious trying to hide
my beard growth under make-up and keeping up with the plucking. It had
slowed down considerably since taking the pills but I felt I needed a
longer term solution. On Friday, I started ringing around various
beauticians to see if I could get some electrolysis arranged. I arranged
a regular appointment for saturday mornings for two hours but was told
not to shave or pluck on the Friday morning.
When I went there on the Saturday, the lady inspected my face and was
not happy that I had been plucking as apparently this caused the hairs
to grow back crooked. She used the Diathermy method and it was very
painful. Basically a needle is inserted into the skin next to the hair
to be removed and an electrical shock induced. This burns out the root
of the hair and hopefully it does not grow again. It would seem that I
would need regular treatment for up to a year, in order for it to be
effective. My face was very red afterwards and I was advised not to wear
make-up for twenty four hours. So for future sessions we arranged what
areas would be worked on in advance and I worked the make-up around
those areas and blended it in. The treatment was so painful I began to
dread Saturday mornings but was determined to continue with it.
My next job was in a much larger office and was general filing and
typing. The job was fairly boring but I got on reasonably well with the
other girls and went for a walk round the local market with two of them
on the Thursday. It was the first time I had ever been to a market as a
woman, and it was fun to actually be able to closely inspect what was on
offer rather than glance furtively out of the corner of my eye. It was
also nice to get the opinion of another woman about various items.
It was interesting to note my breasts were now of sufficient size to do
away with any padding in my bra, at all. When, I stood naked in front of
a mirror and tucked my penis between my legs it was virtually impossible
to tell that I was anything other than the woman I appeared to be. I had
even developed a method of tucking my male part inside me so that when
held in place by my corselette it would be almost impossible to tell
there was anything there even if touched. I was convinced that my male
parts had started to shrink also, and quite frankly, I was not sorry
about it.
That job lasted for three weeks and ended with the return from sick
leave and holiday of the woman whose job it had been.
I went to each of the meetings of 'Lesbian Revenge' and was beginning to
be accepted by quite a group of them. I tried, gradually, to get to know
the leaders but was careful not to appear to pushy. I also started to
visit other Lesbian clubs in order to get a wider background knowledge.
By this time I was really into my role and was finding it very difficult
to even consider myself to be a man anymore. I was also beginning to see
the world from a much more female perspective. It was one thing to just
dress at weekends and go out, totally different to live one's life in
the role.
I soon discovered I was a second class citizen if I allowed myself to be
forced into that role. I played the game when I had to, and used my
feminine charm, when useful and none of my lesbian friends were around.
It was actually quite an advantage to be able to get a man on your side
before a meeting. However, it was much more difficult to be heard at a
meeting and not dismissed as a mere silly woman.
There was a great lesbian 'Blind Date' every week at a small club in
Hammersmith and the women there were all very friendly. Then on a
Saturday evening once a month there was a lesbian singles evening at a
pub near Baker Street. I met a really fun crowd and when it closed at
about midnight we all went on together to a night club off Mile End
Road.
The only unfortunate thing about these evenings is that young women
generally seem to smoke a lot and lesbians particularly. The end result
of this is that all the clothes reek of cigarette smoke and practically
need sterilising afterwards or stink for weeks.
Over the following weeks, I began to develop a lesbian lifestyle and
even got to see some of my friends over the weekend, even baby sitting
for some. As many were single mothers, some of whom had very poorly paid
evening jobs. Not small babies, however, as I knew nothing about
nappies. Of course it was quite difficult from a sexual point of view as
although I fancied some of the women, I could not afford to let things
go beyond a certain point as discovery would have put my mission in
jeopardy. I was, by this time, a regular attender of the 'Lesbian
revenge' and my politics and rabid hatred of men seemed to be acceptable
to the group. Finally, I got invited by Charlotte to join the group on a
'Gay Pride' march. We would all wear the official tee shirt and it's
presentation to me was symbolic of me being accepted into the group.
Charlotte and I were becoming quite good friends and I would have
enjoyed a relationship with her. In fact, not having had any kind of
sexual contact with anyone for several months was making me feel quite
randy. I think had I been willing so would she, but we maintained the
status quo, until one evening after about three months I was invited to
a special meeting that was to be held on a Sunday afternoon in Hyde Park
with only a small group of specially invited members.
It was at that meeting I got my first inkling of what was being planned
or in fact what was already in operation. One of the people involved
worked in an oral contraceptive factory but beyond that, I had no idea
what the plan itself was. Several weeks later, I saw a program on
television about the falling fertility of male sperm and the possibility
of it being caused by dioxins or the increased use of oral
contraceptives passing through women, out into the water supply, and
being drunk when the water was re-cycled further downstream. They had
also found some fish at the outfall of sewage works had actually
'changed sex'. I wondered if there was any connection between this and
the operation that the 'Revenge' were involved in. So I filed a report
just in case, pointing out that it was only a very remote possibility,
but just in case anything happened to me.
About this time I was having problems with my teeth and made an
appointment to see a dentist. During my visit to the dentist, it was
decided that I should have all my wisdom teeth removed. So I booked into
hospital, as a private patient. Of course, it was not possible to keep
my past a total secret as there were various formalities to be gone
through regarding any medication I was on, blood tests and physical
check ups. Everyone was very understanding in this hospital as it
transpired it was one of the centres in London for gender reassignment
surgery. The evening before I went for surgery, Charlotte came to see me
and brought me some lovely flowers.
Little did I realise that a chance meeting in the corridor with one of
the Nurses, Carol, a former lover of hers, was to seal my fate. It was
only a considerable time later that I learned the truth about what had
really happened. Apparently, Charlotte had asked her where I was and
Carol recognising her made some comment about it being unusual for
Charlotte to be interested in a man and was she still a lesbian.
Charlotte did not know what she was talking about and asked her what she
meant, whereupon she explained that I was a transvestite and not a woman
at all. Charlotte was quite annoyed at the fact that I had duped her so
successfully and that a mere man had been able to infiltrate 'The
movement'.
Carol had made a chance remark that if I got mixed up with the patient
in the next room, who was having a sex-change operation, I might lose a
lot more than that for which I had bargained.
Thus the two of them hatched a machiavellian plot, we were both going
down for surgery at the same time, that evening and would be in the lift
together, all it needed was for the wrist identity tags to be switched
and I would get a sex-change and she would have her wisdom teeth
removed. There was one problem, blood type. Carol said that if either of
us needed plasma during the surgery if the wrong type was used, it could
have serious consequences. So Carol went to have a look at the other
patient's chart and would return to my room while Charlotte was still
there to say if the plan was a possible or not.
Charlotte was the epitome of friendliness to me that evening and we
chatted about many things, including the usual topic about how we
disliked men. During this time Carol came in checked my chart and took
my temperature and pulse rate. She gave Charlotte a nod which I thought
had more significance than just a casual acquaintance. Later, Charlotte
left and I was given my pre-med after signing various papers.
That was the last I remember, till I came around the next day, while
being asked to spit something out of my mouth. I later discovered this
was an airway. I felt numb all over and very drowsy and promptly went
back to sleep again. When I awoke several hours later, I felt some
considerable pain and discomfort in my pelvic region and yet there was
no pain in my mouth at all. I rang the bell and a nurse eventually came.
I told her my feelings and she checked the charts, and said that it was
quite normal and not to make such a fuss.
I told her that I thought my wisdom teeth were in my mouth and that's
where I felt the pain should be. She said that I should not be so silly
and what did I expect after a sex-change operation. I was fairly shocked
at this and said that I had come in to have teeth removed not a sex
change. She asked if my name was Mary Thomas, which I denied. She went
off to get someone else, as she thought I must have gone mad. It was not
long before the mistake was realised as Mary, was furious next door when
she realised she had not had her operation, the operation she had been
waiting for six year's under the NHS.
The hospital was of the newly formed trusts and was keen not to have a
bad scandal on it's hands. I, of course, played to the gallery about how
upset I was, my life devastated and everything else I could think of,
but in the meantime was secretly very happy about the whole thing. It
had taken the responsibility away from me and saved me considerable
agonizing and explaining in the bargain. Everyone was most apologetic
and the hospital paid a considerable amount of compensation. I had my
wisdom teeth removed a few months later.
The operation itself, it was explained to me, had apparently been of the
'penile inversion type' wherby my testes had been removed and most of
the inside of the penis as well. A hole had been created and the skin
left had been used to line my new vagina. The urethra had been replaced
in a more suitable position and part of the head of the penis had been
used to create a clitoris. The whole thing had then been padded
internally with a large wad of bandages. A catheter had been applied to
enable me to urinate.
When I finally got to see it. I was quite shocked. It was all black and
blue and badly swollen. The next few days were very painful as I had my
new vagina dilated by the nurses in order to prevent it closing up. This
was done by inserting a lubricated glass dildo into me and moving it
both in and out and from side to side. I was often scolded by the nurses
for being so troublesome, when the pain could be nowhere near that of
childbirth. After a few times, I was told to do it to myself and that I
would need to do it for up to twenty minutes a day for several months or
until I had a man to do it to me.
The healing process seemed to be going quite well and soon they removed
the catheter and I was allowed to go and sit on the toilet. It was a
great relief that the stream was directed downwards, in the correct
direction. I had read that sometimes transsexuals could not pee straight
after the operation with the stream being directed outwards or even, in
the worst cases, upwards.
Charlotte came to see me often. I told her that somehow there had been a
mix up and I had a hysterectomy. She appeared to believe me and
sympathised. I left the hospital two weeks later and I knew then that
there could never be any going back to living as a man. I started
wondering what it would be like to have sex with a man but also knew
that this would not be possible while I was still a member of the
'Lesbian Revenge'. However, it would enable me to find a lesbian
girlfriend as there would no longer be any problems on that score.
Gradually, the swelling all went down and when I inspected myself in
front of a full length mirror it was now impossible to tell I was
anything but a natural woman.
I took another couple of weeks off work and then carried on working as a
temp, and strangely enough began to feel a lot more comfortable in my
female role. There was now no problem that I might be accidentally
discovered as a man masquerading as a woman as I was now physically a
complete woman.
I was able to take up aerobics and swimming, which I had not been able
to do for some time on a account of the bulge my former male parts used
to produce. In fact, I no longer thought of myself as having been a man
at all, and gradually male memories started to fade or to become subtly
altered to take a more feminine view.
It was also quite curious that I actually started to believe some of the
feminist politics. I began to appreciate that women do indeed have a
second class citizen status. For instance, it was much harder to get my
view across in meetings. The surprising thing was, though, that it was
not just the men that were discriminatory but very often, the other
women who were present.
However, I also realised that the clever woman could often manipulate
men by subtle guile rather than aggressive behaviour. As I was not 'out'
as a lesbian at work, I was able to flirt with the men and wear
attractive clothes and makeup for work. In fact, I was asked quite often
by some of the other girls for advice. Out of work, I was careful to
tone down the makeup and dress down as I did not want to be accused of
being a 'lipstick lesbian' by my 'Revenge' friends.
On that front I was now quite well in with them. My friendship with
Charlotte had deepened and she seemed to find me attractive. However, as
we always met up in groups it seemed unlikely that the relationship
would develop further. Until one evening we were discussing a new film
that had just come out and agreed to go and see it together the next
evening.
The film was very romantic. It was about a married woman who was having
a tough time with her rotten husband who treated her badly. She met, and
fell for another woman and had her first lesbian experience. Then left
her husband and they moved in together.
We both enjoyed the film and were both attracted to