The Guest Speaker
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Keynote Speaker
Melanie Ezell's Ultimate Writer's Challenge:week # 27. "Who I Am."
Everything came to a head in church. I had a Sunday to myself, and went
for a drive, not even having a destination in mind. So I was a little
surprised at myself, when I pulled into the parking lot of a church I had
never attended. I noticed that it was a few minutes before the morning
service, so I shrugged, said to myself "Glad I didn't go for a drive in my
female clothes. I hate not being able to be Dorothy in public, but I
wouldn't want to scare the poor people inside."
I went in. ?I was given a handshake, a program, and soon, music started. I
was pleased that I knew most of the songs they sang, and so let myself
join in. Then a man stood up, and began to speak, and I listened.
He said, ?Folks, every once in a while, God tells me to put the regular
sermon away, and to do something totally different. This is one of those
occasions. God is leading me to let a person here speak, to tell their
story. I don't even know who it is, right now."
He paused, and then continued, "That person is probably thinking, 'He
can't be talking about me. I'm not a public speaker. And my story wont
mean anything to these people. But I feel that God is telling me, the time
has come for that story to be told."
He took his microphone and started walking down the aisle. He stopped in
front of me, and he ?put a hand on my shoulder, and said "Its time to step
out of the shadows, DOROTHY."
I thought.
He smiled at me, and handed me the microphone. Everyone was looking at me.
And then I felt a calm come over me, and suddenly, I felt the Spirit of
God saying to me "Go on, DAUGHTER."
I stood up, and took a breath, and began to speak:
"Probably most of you are a little confused by that little introduction.
I'm a little thrown by it myself. But there is a reason for it. For you to
understand, I need to give you a bit of a story. Perhaps some of you know
a person who was born with a birth defect. maybe some of you actually have
one yourselves.
Well, I have a birth defect, its just not one you can see easily. To put
it into the simplest terms, I have a female brain and a male body.
Looking back, there were signs early that I was not like other boys. I can
recall taking an action figure and stealing Barbie clothes from
neighboring girls to dress him in. Sadly, about the time when I might have
really been able to start sorting me out, I was exposed to a rapist, and
spent two years in Hell.
Part of what happened to me was he justified his attacks on me because of
my feminine side. He made me so afraid of my desire to be female that i
buried it until I was approaching puberty. Then the sense of wrongness,
the horrible feeling that somehow, I was going in the wrong direction
became overwhelming. But I kept it hidden as best as I could.
Then I became a Christian. This made my conflict even stronger, as I was
inducted into a conservative branch of the faith, and felt sure that my
need for the feminine was a sin. This lead to a cycle of "binging" -
getting girl clothes and trying to be as female as I could, followed by
guilt and "purging" where I would get rid of everything, only to start up
again a week later, or even sooner.Not only that, I suffered several
breakdowns, and seriously considered suicide several times.
Finally, I realized I was hurting those who loved me by not taking care of
myself. I got counselling for the abuse, and have finally began the
process of being my true self. Almost immediately upon making that
decision, I started reaping positive results. My blood ?pressure, which
was dangerously high, dropped back into normal range. I have been able to
breathe for what seems like the first time, and it feels even better than
I hoped it would.
Not that the road ahead is easy. I need to find a job that will accept me
as I transition. I have to deal with my ex's rejection of this. I have to
navigate the impact on my daughter. And I don't even know at this point if
my body can withstand the hormones and the surgery I seek, nor if I can
afford them if I do get the green light to go ahead.
But I believe that it has been worth it, no matter what the final result
will be. And I believe that God is blessing me taking this journey. I
believe He sees me as His daughter, and that makes any tough times ahead
worthwhile.
My name is Dorothy Colleen, and finally, that's something I'm okay with.
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