My Wonderful Obsession 7 free porn video

My Wonderful Obsession Part 7: The First Dress The big event of June 1996 was my brother Phil's high school graduation. Mom, Natalie and I all attended and watched as Phil and his friends received their diplomas. Natalie would get hers next year, and in just three years it would be my turn. The class valedictorian's speech was pretty good, I thought, and it made me think of what life might hold for me after graduation. Would I get a job? What kind? Or go to college? I wanted to, but what would I study if I did? The Taylors' catered grad party was in the last week of June, just after school ended for the summer. The hot weather was already in full blast - some days were over eighty and we were all wearing shorts and T-shirts everywhere. Well, everywhere, that is, except to cater the grad. Mrs. Taylor had decided that her serving girls should have nicer outfits for summer gigs like this, so she had us all measured for identical one-piece sleeveless dresses. When I saw the picture of what she had in mind, I was a little nervous. The dress looked very pretty - a lot like the ones I often saw in department store flyers. It would be a big step for me to wear something like that! Mrs. Taylor had offered to let me stick with my regular outfit, but after thinking it over, I told her I preferred to look the same as the others, and she'd agreed with nothing more than a shrug. I wondered if Mrs. Taylor had wanted to do this before, but didn't because she knew Julia would refuse to wear a real dress, and now, after the dance, maybe she figured she could finally get her way. My Mom, however, told Mrs. Taylor she would wear some of her own clothes in case she only ever helped out on this one event. When I received my serving dress a few days before the grad function, I took it upstairs to my room to try it on in private. I put on my panties and camisole first, then stepped into the dress and slipped the shoulder straps over my arms. I had to fiddle with the rear zipper for a while before I finally got it pulled up. Then I opened the bathroom door wide so I could see what I looked like in my full-length mirror. My heart nearly stopped when I saw my reflection - that dress actually looked amazing on me! It was what Mrs. Taylor called 'cocktail length', just above the knee, and she said the skirt part was 'A-line'. It was made of a machine-washable cotton blend, so it would be nice and cool on hot days. The upper part, which was a turquoise and white print, was almost snug to my body, and it had one-inch-wide shoulder straps leaving my shoulders and arms bare. The neckline dipped in a big scoop front and back. The black skirt (black was our only skirt option since it wouldn't show minor food and drink spills that were always likely to happen) had a horizontal turquoise pattern near the hemline, it definitely had an 'A' shape, and it was a bit more roomy and flowing than the top part. A very elegant dress, I thought, and wearing it certainly made me look more mature, maybe sixteen or seventeen. I did a twirl and watched the skirt billow out. Wow! The next few minutes were spent on my hair, trying to tease some extra volume into it. 'Need longer hair', I thought. I also wished I had some of my own lip gloss, or even eye makeup, to complete my look. Except I had no idea how to apply anything but lipstick, and even that I wasn't so sure about. Then, while staring at myself in the mirror, it struck me - a camisole couldn't be worn with this outfit, it needed a bra! The material was loose where breasts should be, and the top of the camisole was visible where cleavage was supposed to be. Julia might have settled for less than perfection, but not me. I grabbed my phone and called Kath. "Help! I've got a problem with the new dress. You need to go with me to where we got my undies. I need your help to buy something else!" "Let me guess, your flat chest isn't working in that dress, is it?" Kath was no dummy. "Sure, when do you want to go? I need to buy new shoes, anyway." "Oh, yeah - I could use shoes too. How about right away? Can your Mom drive us?" "Not right now, she isn't home yet. Maybe YOUR Mom should take us - she knows what's going on and mine doesn't. Unless you want me to fill her in on all the details." "Uh, let's not bother doing that," I said. "Enough people know already." I quickly changed into a tee shirt and shorts, leaving my girl's underwear on, and went downstairs to ask Mom. Twenty minutes later the three of us were walking into Macy's. I'd tried to talk Mom into waiting for us in the mall atrium, but she insisted she was happy to tag along with us. 'Oh, brother, this will be awkward,' I thought. Mom had asked what we needed so desperately, but I'd just told her I needed something to go with the new outfit Mrs. Taylor had given me to wear at the grad. Now she was going to find out what that 'something' was. Sick! Kath led the way to where we'd bought my undies before, and located the bra section. There must have been a thousand different bras hanging on racks and in boxes, but she zeroed in on a rack with a sign that said "Training Bras." I looked at Mom nervously, but her face didn't betray any emotion at all. 'Oh well,' I thought, 'here goes ...' "Mom, you might as well know the truth. I need a bra for the new dress I have to wear for the grad function this weekend." There, it was out. "And why do you think you need one?" Mom's face was still emotionless. "Because I'll look like a boy in a dress if I don't have a little extra shape up here," I replied, pointing to my chest. "Sandy, trust me, no one will ever suspect you're a boy if you're wearing the right clothes." Was Mom trying to talk me out of this, or just seeing how committed I was? "Well maybe you're right, but I'd still feel self-conscious - I just want everything to look right. You know how fussy I am about my appearance - I guess it's no different if I'm a boy or a girl." Mom nodded her understanding. "Okay, you win Sandy. You just made a very good point and now I know you want to do this for the right reason." She turned to Kath. "So do you need my help, dear, or would you rather it was just the two of you doing this?" Kath looked happy to be back in charge again. "Well, Mrs. Johnson, if you don't mind, Sandy and I should maybe do this in private. You can probably tell how embarrassed he is right now." Mom chuckled, "Yes, I know my son very well. Why don't I go up to the ladies' department and do some of my own shopping? When you're all done you can come find me." "That's great, Mrs. Johnson - see you in a bit." She turned to me as Mom walked away. "Okay, sweetie, I think you need one of these training bras with lots of padding. And it has to be white." She sorted through different sizes and styles for a minute, then pulled four prospects off the rack and led the way to the change rooms. The attendant greeted us and unlocked the door to a corner room that was big enough for both of us. As we went in, I could feel my face going red again. This was going to be bizarre! "Now, off with the T-shirt," ordered Kath. "Here goes number one!" She had me hold my arms out in front so she could slip the bra straps over them, and then she fastened it in the back. She walked around me adjusting the shoulder straps and examining the result. "It's a little too roomy, I think. Let's try another one." She unhooked it and I slipped it off, then held my arms up to accept the next one, but Kath was just staring at my chest with a quizzical look on her face. She moved around to look at me from different angles. "Maybe it's just the overhead light," she mused, cupping her hand over one of my nipples, "but I could swear you've got more here than you did the last time I saw you without a shirt on ... like when we were at the pool last summer?" "Uh, maybe ... but I'm almost a year older. I'm probably just filling out the way I'm supposed to - you know bigger chest, wider shoulders, that kinda thing?" Kath looked at my upper body again, with a critical eye, I thought, and after a few seconds announced, "Well, no offence, Sandy, but the only thing up here that's any bigger is your boobs. You know me, I notice everything." I felt a mild wave of shock pass over me - boobs! That's impossible! I'm a guy! But I collected my wits back together, forced a smile, and said, "Okay, you found me out. I'm getting a sex change so I can be your maid and have an affair with your husband and get half the money. And the house! Remember our deal?" Kath's expression went immediately deadpan serious. "I should have guessed. You're such a shameless little hussy, aren't you? Well, your sneaky plan won't work, because I'm not getting married after all." We stared at each other as seriously as we could, but it only lasted a second before we broke into giggles. I finally caught me breath. "Am I going to try the rest of these on, dear? 'Cause I'm not going braless - I'm much too sophisticated for that," I sniffed in my best imitation of a snooty southern belle. Kath was giggling so much she could barely get my arms into the next bra, and when she finally succeeded, it was backwards. "Are you girls doing all right?" called the attendant, and we finally calmed down. "Yeah, we're fine, miss," answered Kath. After I'd tried on all four bras, Kath ducked out to grab some more possible candidates. It took at least fifteen minutes to try them all and re-try the best fitting ones, but finally one bra was declared the winner, because it clung to me perfectly no matter how I twisted around or leaned over. "This one fits you like a glove and looks totally natural on you," Kath announced. "I think it's perfect." It wasn't exactly MY favorite, though. "It's a little feminine, don't you think Kath?" 'More like over-the-top feminine,' I thought. It had fine lacy trim all over, and a prominent band of lace at the front joining the two cups together. If I leaned over when I was wearing the dress, that lace would be easily visible to anyone checking me out. "So what? It fits you way better than the other ones. Maybe it's your boobs that fit it. Here, let me show you." To my surprise, Kath pulled her top off and stood beside me. "Okay, compare yours and mine - see?" Kath's bra looked a lot plainer than mine, but it fit her perfectly ... like mine fit me. "See what? You're a girl! You've got real boobs, you don't have to cheat." Kath looked at me with mild disgust. Then she really surprised me - "Take it off, Sandy." I did, and she took hers off too! "Now look closely ... you and I are the same!" She was right - her boobs were only slightly bigger than mine, and our upper bodies looked almost the same too. "Now do you think I know what I'm talking about? When you haven't got much to work with, how well your bra fits is everything." "Alright, you win. It's just that I was only looking for something to fill the space in the dress, not real lingerie!" "Better go with what works and don't worry about what it looks like - it's hidden under the dress anyway." She winked at me, "Hey, they say pretty underthings make you feel like a real woman. Sounds right up your alley!" That made me think. She was right - it couldn't hurt to feel more feminine if I was trying to pass myself off as a girl. I had wanted to wear a bra so I could look my best in a dress. Wearing a pretty, lacy bra would make me feel my best too. But it was still bizarre! After we got dressed, I led Kath back to the underwear rack and told her I wanted to buy panties that matched my new bra. We sorted through the samples until we both agreed which was the best, then I took two and went straight to the till with my purchases. As I was paying, I remembered something. "Kath, can we go to cosmetics for a sec? I need some lip gloss." She nodded, and off we went. "What do you use on your lips?" I asked. "Oh, just a chapstick - my lips are dry a lot. I've never used lip gloss." "Then why don't you get some? We could get two different colors and swap." She shrugged, "Sure, if they have some for dry lips." The salesgirl helped us find what we were looking for, and we had no trouble choosing two nice summer colors, or maybe I should say flavors, because everything they had for teens tasted like fruit! Then we rode the escalator up to the ladies wear department and located Mom amongst the racks of summer dresses. "How did you make out?" Mom asked as we approached. Kath answered before I could. "You're going to have a very well put together daughter, Mrs. Johnson. "She's ready for the runway!" "KATH!" I scolded. But Mom only looked amused, fortunately for my psyche. "Mom, don't listen to her, she's been making fun of me all night." I fixed Kath with a stern look for effect. "We need to go to a shoe store - do you want us to come back when we're done?" "No, I'll come with you - if you don't mind! - There's nothing here I feel like buying." So we went out into the mall and window-shopped a couple of stores before seeing what we were looking for. Mom sat patiently watching Kath and me try on a few different shoes. The whole time she had a content look on her face, which I thought was a lot better than an anxious one. At last we both decided on the same kind of shoe, one with a bit of a heel. We paid for them, and headed out of the mall to our car. On the way home I said, "Mom, thanks for being so helpful tonight. That was a totally weird shopping experience for me - I hope you're okay with everything that's going on." "Sandy, I'll admit it's taking some getting used to for me, but I know you're only trying to earn some extra money and that helps me a lot. You won't be able to do this much longer, anyway. In a few years you'll look like a man, so you might as well - how does that saying go? -- make hay while the sun shines?" When Mom said that I felt a twinge of regret, having to imagine moving on in my life. She was right, though - any day now my voice would change and soon my body and facial features would never be the same again. I knew it was inevitable, yet the prospect made me feel very uneasy every time I thought about it. We pulled into our driveway a minute later, and I walked Kath to her door. I'm not sure what prompted me, but I leaned over and planted a kiss on her cheek as I thanked her for her 'intimate' help. "You're the best friend a girl ever had," I said before realizing I'd used the word 'girl' instead of the usual 'guy'. How did that happen? Kath simply said, "You just remember that," as she closed her door. Later in my room, I couldn't resist checking out the full meal deal, so I put on my lingerie purchases, pulled the dress back on, fixed my hair nicely and painted my lips with gloss. Then I slipped my feet into the new shoes and stood in front of the mirror for several minutes, turning slowly from side to side. I was trembling a little as I realized how much I loved looking like this. My face was familiar, but the rest was like a revelation to me. I could even see the shape of my breasts now! I looked SO much better than I ever could as a boy. It was at that moment that I made a snap decision. From now on, I would go all out to look my best when in girl mode, just like I always did in boy mode. I wanted to really feel what it was like to be a girl, at least until my approaching manhood made that impossible. I'd make it a romantic adventure, one that I'd remember all my life. Then I'd have no regrets about missing out on an experience like this. As a bonus, I would understand women better than most guys, and that might help me a lot in my future relationships with them. I couldn't think of a downside to my plan. Even better, Mom was on my side, too! As I was taking off the last of my female clothes I remembered what Kath had noticed in the store - did I really have breasts, or was she just imagining it? I looked at my chest carefully, but couldn't tell one way or the other. Of course, for me any change would be hard to see because it would happen over a long period of time. Whatever -- I didn't care much at that point anyway. ***** Mom, Kath and I drove to the grad function that Friday evening. It was on the other side of the city about a half-hour away. A good thing, I thought - there wouldn't be anyone there who knew me. I took my working outfit on a hanger, partly because Phil was home and I didn't want him to see me in it, but also to keep from messing it up during setup. I had my new lingerie on though - and wearing a bra for the first time in my life felt very strange. Mom had told me she'd informed Phil about my working arrangements, and that he'd been a bit shocked at first but after she explained why I was doing it, he shrugged and seemed to accept what I was doing. She also made him promise to keep it to himself. I still felt very uneasy knowing that Phil was in on my secret. The venue was the ballroom of a nice boutique hotel, and the tables had already been put in place by the hotel staff, so all we had to do was set tables and decorate. All seven of us were working tonight, so we were all set up a half hour before the party was to begin. We got changed into our new outfits, and we all helped each other with hair, zippers and compliments. Mrs. Taylor had two more articles for each of us to wear - a wide turquoise sash to wear as a belt, and a huge matching silk flower to attach to our hair. Then we all lined up so she could take a group picture. The party was super-busy for us. First there was a sit-down dinner and dessert, and some speeches. Then there was a live band that kept most of the grads occupied on the dance floor, and we girls were kept hopping serving coffee and drinks to the parents. From time to time I crossed paths with Mom and we always gave each other a big smile. At eleven o'clock we brought out cold cuts and rolls, served with veggies and dip and fresh fruit. I was doing my best to keep my dress clean while carrying trays and dirty dishes, but at one point I noticed a spot of something on the sash, so when I got a free minute I ducked into the ladies room to try fixing it. I had the soiled part of the sash in the sink and was applying a little soap to the spot when I saw the reflection of two older blonde girls coming into the restroom, laughing and giggling. They stood next to me and started fixing their lipstick and eye makeup, and at that moment I froze. The girl next to me was Phil's girlfriend Natalie! What was she doing here?? I looked down to avoid eye contact with her in the mirror, and tried to look busy at my task, but Natalie addressed me, "Oh, honey, did you have a little accident? Here, I'll get some paper towel to blot it up." All I could say was "Thanks." She took the fabric and began expertly patting it dry, then led me over to the hand dryer, where she held it under the warm air till it looked as good as new. "There you are, all fixed up." Natalie was looking me in the face now! "By the way, you girls are doing a wonderful job tonight. Thanks for everything you've ..." She stopped mid-sentence and I was sure she recognized me (the thought scared the daylights out of me!) but the look on her face seemed to pass and she just walked away with her friend, saying, "See you later." "Thanks again!" I called after them. 'Whew' I thought - 'that was a close call.' I hoped that to Natalie I only looked familiar, and that would be the end of it. But my hopes were dashed, because it wasn't. As I proceeded back down the corridor to the ballroom entrance, Natalie was waiting for me near the open doors. As I approached she walked over to me, looked me square in the face, and asked in a low voice, "You're Sandy, aren't you? I saw your Mom in there and put two and two together ..." I was terrified all over again, but I thought I saw a look of compassion in her face, and I was able to answer, "Yes, Natalie, it's me ... Sandy ... but I can explain everything!" Natalie smiled at me, and said, "Oh, Sandy, you don't need to explain anything to me. I'm sure you're doing this for a good reason. Your brother thinks you're the most responsible kid in the world, and he would know. Um, does he know anything about this?" I nodded. "But Mom made him promise to keep it to himself. I'm only doing this for a little while, Natalie. Just for the money." I hoped she'd understand, and by the look on her face she seemed to. "Well, you're very good at being a girl. I saw you a few times this evening, and every time I thought, 'Wow, there's a future heart breaker!' You look SO pretty, and you carry yourself beautifully for someone so young." I shook my head. "No Natalie, I think YOU'RE the prettiest girl I've ever met. I could NEVER be like you!" Her eyes rolled as though she felt I'd overdone the compliment. Then I whispered, "And you saw through my disguise, so I can't be that convincing." "Oh no, if I didn't know you and your Mom, there's no way I would've guessed you weren't a girl. And you have very sharp clothes! Where'd you get this elegant dress?" "Oh, it was from Mrs. Taylor who owns the catering company I'm working for. Her daughter Julia's a friend of mine. They asked me if I wanted to come work for them, and I couldn't pass up the chance to earn some decent money." "Did they tell you you had to wear a dress to get the job?" Natalie seemed miffed at the notion. "No, not exactly ... well, maybe ... uh, it's a long story, Natalie. Can I tell you later? Hey, how come you're here at this grad? You go to our school." "My friend Cindy invited me 'cause she didn't have a date. Actually, she didn't want to be stuck with just one guy. Guess I kind of surprised you, didn't I?" "More like scared the crap out of me. But thanks for being SO understanding. Uh, listen, I think I should be getting back to work -- they're probably wondering if I'm okay." She smiled at me again, this time a big, sincere one. "Sure honey. I'll see you later. But if you need anything at all, just let me know, I'd love to help." With that, we parted company and I didn't run into her again that night. Later, after we finished loading the Taylors' utility trailer, our boss assembled us and heaped praise on our hard work and our appearance. Then she asked us all how we liked wearing the new outfits. Most of us replied in a chorus of "Great," all except Julia, that is, who simply shrugged and said "Not bad." (Now THAT was progress!) "Then I think we'll wear them for all of our upcoming summer functions -- except for that church where we're not allowed to have bare shoulders." She laughed a little at the thought, and we all did too. I don't think any of us thought our dresses were the least bit risqu?. My dress felt wonderful and cool to wear, especially in that hot ballroom. And it made me feel pretty! I loved it, and couldn't wait for the next event so I could feel that wonderful again. ***** Soon it was mid-July. Kath and I celebrated my fifteenth birthday by going with her folks to see a touring production of 'Phantom of the Opera'. It was awesome! The story, the music, the singing, the costumes, the sets - everything was spectacular. At intermission, Kath and I went to the lobby to get a soda, then we headed over to the restrooms. As usual, there was this massive lineup outside the ladies', but none at all at the men's. I was almost inside when a hand grabbed my arm - it was Kath. "Slow down, I'm coming with you," she said matter-of-factly. "You're going in the men's room?" I asked, surprised - or maybe I shouldn't have been. "Shhh - not so loud. Don't make a scene," she whispered, pushing me from behind and following me in. "There's no way I'm going to miss one minute of the second act - let's go." We got a couple of odd looks from some older guys in the restroom. I positioned myself at a urinal to ward off suspicion, and Kath went into an empty toilet cubicle. I waited till she was done, then we both washed our hands and left. "You're brave," I told her, "I've never seen a girl go into the men's room before." "Bravery has nothing to do with it. I just refuse to wait in a stupid line forever to use the ladies room. Why in God's name don't they make them bigger? Half those women will be late for the second act and they won't let them in. How smart is that?" Kath could always see through the nonsense and stupidity that supposedly intelligent people, like architects in this case, created to annoy regular folks. And she was always right, at least in my opinion. I learned so much from her! The second act was more amazing than the first, and all too soon it was over. I felt elated! After the show, on the way home, I told my hosts I was determined to realize my goal of performing on stage in a musical. Mr. Thomas commented that I would need to work very hard on my singing and acting to have a shot at such a thing, even at the high school or college level, let alone the professional level. 'Acting,' I mused - 'I'm taking drama next year for the first time ... need to do well in that class'. Kath and I were very much alike in our love of movies and theater. Even though she wasn't taking singing lessons, her voice was quite good and she was such a character that I felt sure she'd do well if she decided to pursue acting. It was great that we were going to be in the drama program together in tenth grade. ***** I was halfway into the new supply of birth control pills and, despite Mom's warnings, I was still taking one each day. It was totally a habit by then, and looking back on how I felt about what I was doing, there's no question that I subconsciously connected taking the Pill with the fact that I still wasn't showing signs of male puberty. But if you'd asked me, I would have flatly denied it -- maybe because I was comfortable with the way I was, and the prospect of changing seemed threatening. Besides, I was making lots of money working catering jobs for the Taylors, and as long as I could pass for a girl that gravy train would continue to roll. Added to what Mom paid me, I was pulling in over six hundred a month during the summer. And what a wonderful summer it was -- we did several weddings and most of them were outdoors, or at least the receptions were. I absolutely loved wearing the summer dress and accessories. I was even getting used to the feeling of wearing a bra! And my hair was finally getting long enough to do more fun things with, like have bangs. I even bought my own clear nail polish after seeing how nice it made the other girls' hands look. Catching the glint of my glossy nails in the light of flickering candles and party lanterns was such a thrill! Natalie was visiting one afternoon as I got dressed in my bedroom for another event. I was wondering how I'd get out the door without seeing her, but she solved that problem for me by knocking on my door. "Sandy, are you decent?" "Yeah," I replied without thinking, and the door opened. Natalie smiled at me and plopped on my bed while I was trying to pull up the rear zipper on my dress. "Philip told me a little about why you have to dress as a girl to do your catering job. And your Mom filled in the rest. So I just wanted to let you know I think you're very brave, and I don't think you're weird or anything, okay? Oh, can I help you with that zipper?" She came over and took care of it, then asked me to twirl around. "Very nice fit - you look good in a dress, Sandy ... uh, do you ever think you were born in the wrong body?" "Yes, sometimes ... but mostly I'm fine with who I am. I do get mistaken for a girl a lot, though - even without the dress." "I know, I've heard that, and I can see why. But there are other clues, too - like your voice, your mannerisms, things like that. They all send signals that others pick up on. Maybe you should have been a girl after all." I laughed a little nervously. "If you say so. As long as you're cool with me, that's all I care about, 'cause I really like you. I'm not sure what you see in my brother, but I'm glad he's your boyfriend 'cause I get to have you around too." Now it was her turn to laugh. "Let's just say he's my kind of guy - mostly." I thought I knew what she found lacking in Phil, but didn't want to pursue that. "And I like you a lot, too, Sandy." That was a very nice thing to hear, under the circumstances. ***** In the summer I usually showered every night instead of in the morning, like I always did before school. I liked the feeling of a clean, smooth, unsticky body when I pulled the sheets over me, and no, I never wore pajamas in the summer. The only problem this summer was with my nipples - - they seemed very tender and sometimes it was uncomfortable sleeping on my stomach as I always did before. So I had to learn to sleep on my side or back. One night before climbing into bed, I spent longer than usual checking out my reflection in the bathroom mirror, and I noticed a bit of shadow below my nipples that was unfamiliar. So I stood sideways in front of the full-length mirror and did a close inspection. No doubt about it -- my nipples were definitely sticking out more than before. They were like peaks on little hills of flesh -- Kath had been right. I still didn't believe this had anything to do with taking the Pill, however it wouldn't be long before I was forced to confront the truth. It took two unhappy experiences I had when Kath, Julia and I were at the community pool one very hot day late that summer. First, a pool monitor approached me while my two friends and I were sunning ourselves on the pool deck. She politely told me to "Please cover your chest, miss. This isn't a topless pool." That was very embarrassing, but not as bad as what happened later in the change room. One of Justin Bradford's goon friends was there, and he couldn't resist drawing attention to my underdeveloped male body, and especially my 'boobs'. "Hey, Johnson, nice physique! Did you forget your brassiere? Looks like you need one!" A buddy of his joined in in a very loud voice, "You should get one of those German brassieres, Johnson. You know what they call 'em -- shtoppemfromfloppen!" Everyone in the change area roared with laughter, and I felt like flushing myself down the nearest toilet. But I didn't say a word about it to my girlfriends. It was the first time I had second thoughts about what was happening, and not happening, with my body. At bedtime that evening I was about to repeat my nightly ritual when it hit me - the pills really WERE doing something to stop puberty and make me look like a girl! But there wasn't anything in the literature I read at the library that said anything about this. On the other hand, I remembered there wasn't much of anything about the Pill's effects on males. But the Pill had female hormones in it! How could I have been so stupid? I sat down on my bed, wondering what to do next. I'd have to go back to the library and see what else I could learn. Then I put the package back in the vanity drawer without taking one. The next morning I walked straight to the library. I ignored the material I'd seen before, and focused on a medical journal that had case studies of birth control pill side effects. I spent a couple of hours browsing all the articles, and suddenly there it was - evidence that men who took the Pill for extended periods could develop secondary female sex characteristics, like softer skin and even breast development. The big shocker was a case study involving a sixteen-year-old boy who was somehow able to steal his mother's pills and take them over a two-year period. He ended up looking just like a girl, with breasts and hips - something the study called 'subcutaneous fat distribution'. A cold sweat came over me as I finished reading about that boy. He ended up living as a girl and eventually got a sex-change, and even got married! I never intended for anything like that to happen to me -- I was just trying to be me, and to always look as good as possible. I thought about how awful it felt when my face was covered in zits. How I liked my body the way it was, and how I was afraid to become more male. Was it male behavior that turned me off? Or physical features? Or both? And I loved being in the company of girls, being accepted as one of them ... I had no close male friends at all. Suffice to say, I was very confused and scared at that moment. But I could make one important decision: I would stop taking the Pill and hope my body would stay as it was, and that my zits wouldn't appear again. ***** Back in school two weeks later, I'd already found out how well one of my wishes had worked out. You guessed it -- my acne was back and worse than ever. This time even Mom was recommending that I should go back on the Pill, and I reluctantly agreed. But now I had a huge dilemma -- if I kept taking it into the foreseeable future, I'd most likely end up like that kid I read about at the library. I didn't feel ready to make a major life decision like that, so I went to my most trusted friend, Kathleen Thomas, for advice on what I should do next. We went for a very long walk after dinner one evening, and I told her everything. "Wow, you're only fifteen and you have such big issues to sort out!" she said. "But I dunno ... like, what's the difference between boys and girls anyway? Isn't it mostly things like social conditioning, you know, the roles everybody has to play?" Kath was always so analytical about everything. "Well, there are some pretty big physical differences," I offered. "Don't they influence how we behave?" "They shouldn't have to!" Kath retorted. "Sure, maybe only girls can get pregnant, but I don't know why anything else has to be different. We all have the same needs for food, shelter, love, respect, and all that. Why should it matter if you want to wear a dress or if I want to wear pants? A guy should be able to be a housewife and a girl should be able to go to work. And a guy should be able to marry another guy if he wants to. I dunno, to me everybody's the same and they can do whatever makes them happy." Obviously, Kath was also a utopian. "So what does all this have to do with my problem?" I was mostly getting her drift, but not quite. "Simple -- you just be yourself. You do what makes you happy and you don't give a shit what anyone else thinks or says. Like, that's what I'm gonna do, and you should too." Now THAT made a huge amount of sense to me. I was quiet for a few minutes, just walking along beside Kath with my mind going a mile a minute. "Okay," I broke the silence, "you're right. I guess my nature is to worry about others all the time. Like, what do they think about me, am I offending them, that kind of thing. It comes from this crazy servant mentality I inherited from my Mom. Now I can see it has a good side and a bad side. The bad side is that, like, I deny who I really am so everybody else will feel comfortable around me. I need to stop doing that." "Don't 'need to', Sandy, just do it. And you know something? I always feel comfortable around you, unless you're trying to be something you're not. Maybe everyone else does, too. I didn't tell you this before, and like, I wasn't going to, but I've never seen you happier than all the times this summer when we were working for the Taylors. You probably thought you were pretending to be someone else, but I thought you were totally being yourself." She looked me in the eye. "I kinda like that person." I don't know exactly why, but those comments touched something deep inside me, and I started to cry. Kath immediately put me in a bear hug, and I sobbed, "You're right ... I felt that was who I really was, too. Thanks Kath -- you're the best friend a guy, uh, a girl, ever had. I owe you big time." "You just remember that -- especially when I need maid service in my mansion. And now I KNOW how cute you look in a skirt, so don't try to back out!" Our conversation was turning silly as it usually did, but I wasn't done with the serious stuff yet. "Well, coming from you, that IS a compliment," I shot back, "but you haven't told me what you think about me having boobs. Doesn't that, like, gross you out or anything? Don't you think it's just weird?" Kath shrugged as though the issue was totally unimportant. "So what, aren't they a part of who you are too? I think it's kind of cool if you can have male AND female parts, so maybe I'm not the best person to ask." Then an annoyed look crossed her face. "And hey, you're so lucky -- no period! Did I ever tell you how inconvenient that is? Once a month you bleed all over your underwear and you have to plug yourself up? Talk about being grossed out! And you can't get pregnant either. So if I were you I'd be happy I only had to do the easy stuff and none of the annoying crap." I hadn't thought of that at all. She was so right -- everything Kath said always made a lot of sense to me. I already knew that I liked having my small bumps when I was wearing my bra -- they made me feel just a little more female. What could be wrong with enjoying that part of me while I could? Once I stopped taking the Pill, I was sure my chest would go back to normal again. Or, if I ever got crazy enough to go all the way like the sixteen-year-old I'd read about, my breasts would have a good head start. So, that night I went back to my pill regimen, and sure enough, my zits cleared up again in no time. ***** I'll tell you what was way cool about my sophomore year - Drama class. We did a lot of role playing and activities that some people would find bizarre or pointless, but were intended to bring us out of our shells and see things from others' points of view. Our instructor also doubled as our English teacher, a younger woman named Ms. Griffith, who treated everyone in the class fairly but exactly the same - no favorites. I liked that a lot and everyone respected her. Our school had a great theater where a few smaller class plays and two bigger senior productions were performed each year. The stage was just like a professional one, wide and deep, with the proper wing areas, black velour curtains, lights and sound system. The audience area had about three hundred seats arranged in a semicircle with stepped aisles, so that everyone had a good view of the stage. There was enough room between the front of the stage and the first row of seats for a small orchestra, which they always had for the musical production that was put on each spring. Many of our classes used the stage, so I got the chance to see how it felt to be on a real stage playing to the house, even though almost no one was seated there. Maybe one day! Kath and I talked a lot about Drama - we both thought it was the best thing about tenth grade. But she was definitely the better actor between the two of us. Kath had a natural flair for facial expressions and she could even emulate accents like British, Spanish and Scottish. I learned a lot from her. She told me I had the better singing voice, though, and said she hoped my voice would change soon so she could take over in that department too! But we both agreed that the perfect career choice for us would be something in the performing arts. We couldn't have known it then, but some very rewarding theatrical experiences were in store for both of us before we even graduated from high school. To be continued ...