Sunnydayzwithu
- 4 years ago
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With A_ II free porn video
The next morning was bright and clear. What had I done? I replayed every
moment of the previous evening. I dwelt quickly and not on any
particular scene. I was searching for nuances of feeling. How had I
really felt? What was this telling me about myself? If anything?
I decided finally that it was all a test. The fact that I was
embarrassed told me that it was not some kink that I secretly desired. I
truly felt confidence in my own manliness, my masculinity. It had never
even occurred to me that I was or wanted to be anything but a man. About
that I had no doubt.
So it had to be a test on A_'s part. But what kind of test and did I
pass or fail? I had no clue.
I started to throw out the bra and thong in disgust. Then I just wrapped
them up and put them in a small box and put the box in a bag. I might
need to return them to A_ or something. I did not want to burn any
bridges even if I would not be going back there. Where-ever there was?
Then I remembered the previous nights masturbation. A sense of shame
passed through me. I quickly got out some of my porn and began to
masturbate the way I usually did. I quickly got hard and in no time I
came. I immediately felt better about myself. Whatever was driving last
night's masturbation must have been A_'s femininity and my attraction to
her. In my mind appeared an image of her smiling. Yes, I was madly
infatuated with her.
But there remained the question of what to do next. Call her or not? Yes
I was infatuated but that did not mean I should continue to foster a
relationship. It might be wisest to simply end it here and move on. I
could see a potential for A_ to be out of my league, so to speak. I
could be getting in over my head, as it were.
Fuck that, I thought. That is exactly the kind of thinking I don't need.
I am very comfortable with who I am and she can like it or lump it. If
she doesn't like me then screw her, I thought. And then I recoiled at my
own thinking. I'm not like that. I'm actually a nice guy. Very nice.
It was clear that I was rattled. I decided to not decide anything for a
few days at least. I would let it all percolate.
After a few days I was still no clearer on what it all meant nor what
path forward I would take. Every night I would haul out some of my
regular porn and masturbate. Just to clear my mind and relax. It was a
bit excessive, even for me, doing it every night. Actually, sometimes, I
was doing it in the morning as well. I was sure it was her and not the
"incident" that had me on edge.
So far she had not called me. I wasn't even sure if I was supposed wait
for her to call. Her last words were for me to remain exposed and
unbuttoned until out of her sight. I had gone a half mile trying not to
notice whether any cars next to me could tell that I was a man wearing a
bra beneath my unbuttoned shirt. I found a place to pull over and button
up.
Why was I reliving that memory now? It had been so for the past week. At
odd moments one or another of the night's scenes would pop into my
memory and I would relive it, often in shame. It would be after such
memories would force themselves onto my consciousness that I would feel
the need to masturbate to get them out of my head.
Finally I decided that this could go on no longer. I would call her and
ask her out. It would be a real date, at a real restaurant with a real
man.
-----
Chez Chochotte is an unpretentious restaurant in a happening part of
town. I was dressed in a jacket and A_ wore a small black dress: neither
of us dressed either formal or casual. Chez Chochotte had become a
favorite of mine over time. I knew I could trust the food to be
excellent and reasonably priced. The decor had a simple old world flair
with a lot of natural wood.
I had screwed up my courage and dove right in as the leading man. I
ordered the same dinner for the both of us. The John Dory was a special
and came with their signature Dijon mustard sauce and mixed vegetables.
We each started with their Mesclun salad with pear, blue cheese and
arugula sprinkled with walnut bits. That was followed quickly with a
really delicious potato leek soup. After a wait the main course was
served. I had even picked between two suggestions of nice bottles of
white wine from somewhere or other in France. I don't know wine but the
waitress here has never steered me wrong. As usual it was excellent. We
finished dinner with a lovey cr?me br?l?e.
A_ was more subdued than in my previous times with her. She was pleasant
but not charged. On the one hand I was relieved. Yet on the other, she
did not engage with the spark that I had come to appreciate. Never mind,
I would fill that space with my best charm.
I complimented her on her attire. I appreciated her hair. I asked about
her education and where she grew up. I learned of her interest in
fashion design and her ability to tool leather. I avoided talking about
myself. In short I was a perfect gentleman. Emphasis on "man."
Yet through it all, lurking in the back of my mind, were felt images of
her humiliating me. No, I wasn't thinking of them. It was just that they
were now a part of me and my relationship with her. It was a presence
there somewhere behind me infusing my sub-conscious and warming ever so
faintly my groin. Because it was not conscious I could not banish it
from my thoughts. It wasn't in my thoughts so how could I get it out of
my thoughts. I can say this now because I am looking back on it. But at
the time I was happy and go lucky. Hell I still am. It's just that ...
--------
... that my surprise was genuine when she suggested we go directly to my
place as we walked out the restaurant door. The evening had been
pleasant enough. But it had not been by any means spectacular nor was
there some magic between us. Attraction yes, maybe even mutual
attraction.
We held hands in the back seat of the cab. I would be lying if I said I
wasn't getting very very excited. Once inside the door we embraced and
began taking our clothes off and fondling each other. We embraced our
way to the couch where she laid back and I lay on top of her and entered
her. As I came close to coming I began to moan. At the same time she
began to loudly moan as well. Then it was over and we lay there panting.
I slid next to her and held her head to my chest with my hand.
Then after a bit I felt her hand go to her crotch and commence rubbing.
She began to pant stifled moans. She was bringing herself off again. At
least I assume it was again.
A short while after coming she roused herself and got up and followed
the trail of her clothes. When she was dressed she walked over towards
my naked body still lying on the couch. I was puzzled. She spoke:
"Good bye. You are a nice guy and all that but..."
But? What is she saying?
"But look this is not going to work. You are way too good for me,
actually. Yes, way too good. You don't want to get mixed up with someone
like me. I'm not even sure I'm in to men right now. I had hoped to scare
you off the other night. Apparently you either don't scare easily or you
are insanely, unhealthily, sickly attracted to me."
My eyes started to glisten.
"If you start crying you'll be sorry. When I sense weakness I get very
mean. You actually showed real strength the other night. Don't lose it
now. Look I'm not interested in anything you might have to say at the
moment. Just consider yourself lucky that I didn't ..." she paused.
I really was on the verge of losing it. I got a grip on myself. She IS
nuts. I AM lucky.
"What you got just now was a pity fuck," she continued. "If that's what
you think you wanted, well I hope you liked it because we are through.
The end. Fini."
I sat up and started to speak. She came at me wagging her finger.
"You say one fucking word ...," she said as she closed the distance
between us. When she was two feet away she spit in my face and kicked me
in the groin. She turned and left and as the door closed behind her she
laughed and spat out one last insult, "So long asshole sucker."
------
I have written this as a cautionary tale. I was lucky. You might not be
so lucky. Sometimes what you get is not what you really want, even as
you think it is. It's hard to hear the truth, even when it's from
someone you know you could love if given the chance.
After two weeks I called the number I had for her. It was no longer in
service. I asked friends who had been at the party where we had met but
they did not know her. I went over to Richard and Mary Kay's. Mary Kay
had been at the party but did not know her. She and I had been lovers
but we had parted badly. I had left her because I really wanted a more
sophisticated woman. She now consoled me. I told her enough that she
recommended I talk to a therapist friend of hers.
I demurred. "Look," she said, "I think it could really be helpful and
settle you down. How about we go over there now and I will introduce you
to her and then you can decide?"
"Okay," I said. I realized that I would now have to go through with it.
We got to an office on the fourth floor of a smallish downtown building
built in the 1930's. Her office/consulting space was spare, simple and
uncluttered. She told Mary Kay to wait in the ante-chamber.
"Well," she began, "normally a client is given my number and then
decides or not to call me. It is unusual for a client to walk in at the
suggestion of a friend. So here's the deal. You can make an appointment
now or not. Either way I will not be discussing whether you did nor not
with Mary Kay. You can lie and say you did and if she asks me then I
simply say that I am not at liberty to discuss anything about my
clients. Privilege and all that."
I was relieved. I felt very comfortable around, "You may just call me
Ilona." She was older than me and clearly quite intelligent. She wore a
suit with a blouse with a high collar. Often she would even wear a
mildly stylish hat during our sessions.
So see, if it had been up to me I would not have dodged that bullet. But
I am not totally unscathed. I am seeing Mary Kay's friend the therapist
about my unhealthy attraction to strong women. Oh, don't misunderstand
me, Ilona says that there is nothing wrong with being attracted to
strong women. It is just that I must be able to set limits on that
attraction. I want to get better. Really. I will do every thing she
tells me to do.
Nadene
- 24.09.2020
- 12
- 0
