Dani s Story Book III Decisions Chapter VIII
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With A_ III - Ilona free porn video
Yes I'm seeing a therapist. It's not such a big deal really. It's
actually mostly a pleasurable experience. Think about it. Don't you enjoy
being around intelligent people who are working their craft. Especially
when they are directing their attention and skills toward you. And
remember the goal of a therapist is to make you feel not only good but
even better about yourself. It's a big win-win.
Well except for the cost. And there I am lucky. I make a decent enough
wage true, but in addition I am getting two breaks. One because I was
referred by her friend and my former girl-friend Mary Kay and two because
Ilona my therapist is a bit intrigued with me. That's what she says and I
have no reason to not believe her. Anyway, she is charging me a flat rate
by the month no matter the number of times I see her. Sweet eh?
But yes it can get intense. It was hard but over the course of several
sessions I managed to tell the full story of what happened with me and
A_. That actually turned out pretty easy. She did not seem at all taken
aback or anything. Of course, maybe it was just her being professional.
But then the another thing I divulged did seem to, well I don't know, not
surprise or concern her exactly, but definitely piqued her interest.
It was my masturbation habits. She never expressed any opinions that my
practice was excessive. Yet I seemed to get that impression. What seemed
to concern her most was how I was using masturbation to, as she put it,
to change the subject at hand, no pun intended. I was using it as a means
of avoidance. A way to avoid thinking about certain things that might be
troubling me. Like when my thoughts would turn to A_ and I would get them
out of my mind by escaping into masturbation. Something like that.
Indeed the therapy sessions were causing me to think more about things
that made me uncomfortable. And maybe it's true that I seem to be
masturbating even more lately.
"So Jeff," Ilona began one day, "how are things?"
"Fine?" I said knowing that really I was supposed to say more. While my
comfort level was quite high with Ilona, there were certain moments when
I would shy into myself.
"How did your promise to yourself from the last session go," she asked?
I thought back to the last session. We had covered a number of things
then.
"Well," I said after a pause, "well you know I really did notice that I
seem to masturbate after uncomfortable thoughts about A_ arise." There
was a small pit in my stomach. This topic was becoming easier, but it
still had an edge.
I continued: "When I picture her giving me a suggestion...err...an
order?" Ilona has been coaching me to see things with less sugar
coatings. "Oh I guess a command really. When an image like that came to
mind the other day, I immediately noticed a tingling in my groin. It was
like the start of getting turned on. And then as I thought about getting
turned on, then I would actually get turned on. And since I was getting
hard and I was there by myself at home, I figured, what the heck I might
as well do it." I cast my eyes away from Ilona's knowing gaze.
"And had it been a while since your previous masturbation," she asked?
She always used clinical terms. She never called it getting off or
jerking off or jagging off. I had to pause before answering. Oh I knew
exactly how long it had been. I was bracing myself for her non-judgmental
judgement that she would not express or reveal by the even slightest nod
or tick.
"No, not long." Pause again. "I had done it just four hours before."
Again I shifted my gaze away from her.
"What was the 'it' that you 'did', Jeff," she asked so simply and without
a hint of any thought behind the question that one would happily answer
as if the question were about tying a shoe lace or a walk in the park.
"M...m...masturbated?"
And because I paused again she asked, "Yes. And are you going to tell me
about it?"
Damn, this was the part I had come to find the most difficult. Now I
needed to describe in detail how each masturbation episode went down.
What got it started? How long did it take to come? Was I fantasizing?
What was in the fantasy? I never knew what detail she would ask about
next. And the fact that she always seemed to write my answers in her
notebook was disconcerting as well.
When I had finished filling the details for her to write down there was a
pause.
"Well Jeff, that was a very good insight that you have begun to notice.
Now lets try an experiment. I would like to set your next appointment for
three days from now. Lets see if you can go three days without
masturbating shall we? What do you say?"
Three days would normally be no big deal. But now I was not so sure. All
this constant thinking about sex and sexual relationships was making it
hard not to masturbate. I really had no choice but to say yes, I would
try.
------
I dreaded my next appointment. I would have to tell Ilona that I only
managed two days and that on the third day I masturbated twice.
"Well," she replied, "that's one way to look at it. The other is to see
the positive of you going two whole days without masturbating." She
looked at me. I did not feel the positive. I was feeling very small.
"Do you know what a crutch is" she asked?
"You mean like my using masturbation to avoid certain thoughts," I said.
She laughed.
"Ha ha, no, yes, but no for the moment. A crutch is something you use to
until you get better. I think we need to try a masturbation crutch for
you. I want you to stand up and drop your pants and underwear, step out
of them and then kneel down in front of me and masturbate."
I could not believe my ears. My face turned red. Again she laughed. "I
see you are embarrassed by my directions to you. You have the wrong idea.
Do you get embarrassed when a man sticks his finger up your rectum?" What
was she asking? This was unbelievable. "I am referring to your personal
doctor when he gives you a rectal examine."
"Oh! No but..." I stammered.
As she laid a big sheet of newspaper in front of me she began to wag her
finger and point. She was commanding me to kneel before her and
masturbate. Suddenly into my head sprang an image of A_ in the moment
before she spat into my face wagging her finger at me not to speak. I was
resistant. Ilona was attractive but I had not allowed myself to think of
her like that. She just sat there now looking at me. No longer pointing.
She was saying nothing.
"Is this a punishment for not being able to hold off for three days," I
asked?
"Would you like that? Would you like for me to be punishing you? What
would that tell us about you?" She paused and was silent again. And again
I resisted even thinking of Ilona in that way.
"No Jeff, this is not a punishment. Nor is it a reward. Can you imagine
how my direction might be a reward? Well it is neither. It is just your
therapist wanting you to get in touch.." she laughed at her pun, "with
yourself. I want to observe how you masturbate and notice how you feel
and I want you to do the same." She wrote something down in her notebook.
I averted my eyes from her and with my face flushing red removed my
shoes, pants and shorts. I knelt before the newspaper spread out between
us and began to squeeze my member, my penis. Ilnoa sat there watching.
It was strange. Usually I had no problem getting it hard. Sure I had just
masturbated some six or seven hours ago but that should not be a problem.
I squeezed and rubbed and pulled. Over and over I repeated a well
exercised practice. After a bit it seemed maybe to be a little fuller. It
was just taking so damned long. Over and over I rubbed. Ilona sat there
watching.
"Don't feel rushed," Ilona said, "Take all the time you need. I have no
other appointment today. Don't think about the fact that I am in front of
you watching your every move," she said with an oh so slight chuckle,
"Just clear your mind. Get into your masturbation." There was that word
again. And how could I not think about her especially when she is
reminding me that she is there sitting and watching?
I kept rubbing and stroking. Trying to relax and trying to focus and
trying again to relax and get into it and rubbing and stroking. Yes, now
it was for sure fuller but still not hard. It had been probably five or
ten minutes but it seemed like a half hour. And Ilona just sat there
watching.
Finally it was almost hard. Still watching, Ilona reached over and pulled
open a small drawer in the lamp stand. She removed and opened a small
tube of cream. "Give me your active hand," she calmly directed. I
released my grip and held out the hand that had been stroking my penis
and she squeezed a white cream into it. Now I could grab harder and slip
my penis quickly through my hand and the warm glowing sensations to my
brain were stronger. Now my penis was hard and even struggling to get
harder. Ilona still watched impassively.
Then she removed a ruler from the same drawer. My mind leapt at the fear
that she was about to rap me with the ruler. Please not on my penis I
thought to myself. She then held out the ruler to me. "Measure it," she
directed. If it wasn't one humiliation it was another I thought. I
touched my groin at the base of my penis and then pushed it in a bit and
read out the length.
"Six and a quarter inches," I mumbled out.
"I will write down five and three quarters since you pushed it in," she
said. "Now take this sewing tape and measure the girth."
I measured and read off four and a half inches. She wrote that down, I
assume without discounting it. All the measuring had broken my rhythm. I
was still hard but farther away from coming. Ilona was still watching.
Was that a trace of boredom that just crossed her brow? Who knows. Things
were still going slowly. I was experiencing a bit of performance anxiety.
What if I just couldn't come? How long is she willing to wait? What, I
began to fear most, if I lost stiffness?
"You seem anxious," she noted, "are you fantasizing anything? Perhaps you
are not and perhaps that would help you. Just one word of caution and
that is not to include me in any fantasy. It would not be professional,"
and she laughed.
Of course my mind immediately imagined Ilona naked. But it did help
fantasizing. I shifted to a fantasy of A_.
"Ahh that's better. So tell me what are you fantasizing about," Ilona
asked?
"I am picturing A_," slight moan and breath, "suggesting that I freely of
my own will," moan breathe, "place a small chain around my neck," moan
breathe, "and lock it in place," I blurted quickly out. I was nearing the
edge.
"In here," directed Ilona as she handed me a small glass specimen jar.
And then I orgasmed. I spurted semen onto the jar and sighed. I pumped a
few final spasms our of my penis and was spent. It was a sigh of relief
as well as satisfaction. An ordeal was over. Never had a masturbation
been so difficult. Not un-pleasurable by any means. Just plain hard work.
She reached out and took the jar and screwed a lid on it. I started to
reach form my shorts.
"No. Not yet," she directed. She then removed a wash cloth from the
drawer and plunged it into a pitcher of ice water on the table. She
squeezed out excess water and handed it to me. "Clean your penis well." I
quickly cupped my penis in the cloth and rubbed it down. My penis
recoiled at the shock. Finished I handed it back and she refreshed it in
the ice water again. "Keep cleaning, and this time after wiping your
penis hold the cloth on it for a minute."
My penis was soon chilled and shrunken. We repeated the whole process one
more time. Once again she handed me the ruler. This is crazy I thought to
myself. It's really tiny from being spent and cold. "I don't know, maybe
an inch," I said."
Ilona got out a pair of latex gloves from the drawer and put them on. She
then removed what appeared to be a bit of clear plastic. I could not see
what it was as most of it was hidden within her hand.
"Stand up and bring your penis here," she commanded. It was seeming more
and more like I was being commanded.
"Jeff," she continued, "I am about to size you for a masturbation crutch.
I will be taking your penis and balls in my hand. Let me know if there is
any pain." She then pulled my balls out from my scrotum and slid a
plastic hemi-ring around them and the slid a counterpart ring over my
penis. She then connected the combined rings with a clear short slotted
plastic tube. "How does that feel," she asked?
"Fine," I said in a fog of un-understanding.
"Good. Any pain or discomfort? It seems to fit snugly and not too
loosely."
"No. No pain. No discomfort."
"Oh good. I was able to get the sizing right from your measurements." She
looked at me and smiled. I looked back still in a daze. What the hell
just happened I wondered? She then took out a small plastic tag that had
numbers on it and appeared to write the numbers in her notebook. She then
inserted the tag's built in zip-lock and zipped it tightly in place.
------
If I had dreaded the last appointment, I dreaded this next one even more.
Once again I had failed miserably.
After getting fitted for, and out-fitted with, a "masturbation crutch" at
the last session, I now should have had no excuse for failure. Her
instructions had been clear, even the one about how failure was not
possible because no matter what I did it was okay.
I remember her words:
"Jeff! Jeff! Are you listening," I realized she was asking? I nodded and
she continued or perhaps began again realizing that I had gotten lost in
thought as I was getting back dressed. "I have just placed a masturbation
crutch on your penis. This crutch will allow the penis to function
normally, peeing basically, except it will prevent the penis from getting
hard. That way when the urge to masturbates comes upon you, you will not
be able to act on the urge. Your next appointment has been set for an
ambitious four days without masturbating. Really I have the utmost
confidence in your ability to go chaste for four days. You can do it
Jeff! I know you can, 'buddy.'
"Here are the instructions on what it is and how it works as well as how
to keep it clean. It has been 'locked-in' so to speak with a registered
plastic zip-lock. If at any time you feel something is amiss, if your
penis seems to be an unusual color, or there is a pain that seems
problematic then you should cut the tag off and remove the crutch. And if
need be, go to the emergency room if that is called for.
"And not just physical pain, Jeff. If you feel emotionally challenged or
psychologically impaired, by all means remove it. This is not a test. It
is just an aid to help you. Do you understand?"
I nodded.
"Remember no matter what happens it's okay! Our goal here is to make you
feel better." Then she cheerily exclaimed, "Isn't this exciting for you?"
When I got home I immediately stripped and began playing with the crutch
thingy. It was weird. I pulled at it and it definitely would not come off
without removing the tag. I touched myself everywhere I was able to touch
that might excite me. My penis filled it a little fuller but could not
get going enough for pain or pleasure.
But here's the thing. This crutch thingy was making matters worse for me
not better. I mean it was like an constant reminder that I had a penis. A
penis that was not getting the attention it deserved. This constant
reminder just made me want it more and think about it more. Each
succeeding day was worse than the one before. No matter where I was I was
reminded about my penis and sex and masturbation. I would be sitting at
work and a co-worker would come in and bamm I would imagine them either
knowing my penis was crutched or them deciding to make a pass at me and
grab me down there. It was just plain nuts it was.
You know, of course, that I broke down and cut off the tag and
masturbated. But I hardly enjoyed it. I was so overcome with shame and
guilt that those emotions were overwhelming the warmth and shine of my
orgasm. Then for the next day and a half I was wracked with the knowledge
that Ilona would be disappointed in me. I tried another masturbation
early before my next session with a similar result. Just more guilt and
shame. Not for having masturbated but for letting Ilona down.
"Oh my poor baby," she cooed when I came in. She could tell just from my
demeanor. "If I weren't your therapist I would give you a hug. Sit down
and tell me about it. It's okay. Really it's okay."
The way she was treating me was just making it worse. I didn't cry but I
felt like I wanted to.
But we did talk and I began to feel better. Nearing what I thought would
be the end of the session, when I was actually feeling pretty good about
myself, she told me to remove my pants and masturbate again. I was less
shocked this time and I got off a bit faster, but still it was hard to
do. It kinda helped that while she was patiently watching me do it she
distractedly unbuttoned the collar of her blouse, I assume because it had
become warmer in the room. I took it as seductive though and engaged in
the briefest of fantasies about her.
After I came there was the same ritual of repeated wiping and cupping of
my penis with the ice cold wash cloth. I shuddered two ways. From the
cold and from the thought that I was about to have my masturbation crutch
put back on.
After it was on she explained how we would proceed from here forward.
"Jeff, I need a commitment from you." I flashed back on A_. That's what
she had said. "If you are serious about treating your excessive
masturbation on the one hand and treating your lack of limit setting with
strong women on the other then you are going to have to commit to a much
more intense course of action than what we have engaged in so far. If you
think you are not going to be capable of a more intense course of action
then by all means you should either quit therapy all together or find
another therapist. Let me outline the next course of action and then you
can decide if you are in or out." I looked at her and nodded to
continue. This too was similar to the way that A_ had laid it out.
"Till now," she continued, "you have always had the option of opting out
at any time. But now we are going to try some things that may not be able
to be undone immediately. First of all did you notice that I locked your
crutch with a real lock this time?" I had not noticed. My heart beat a
bit faster. She held up a very small key. "Here is the key. If in the
next two days you really really need to masturbate then you will need to
make an emergency appointment with me. You have gone two days before so
you certainly should be able to do that again, eh?" I nodded.
"But here's the thing, I am not that kind of therapist. And besides we
also need to treat your other concern, strong women. Again professional
ethics prevent me from performing that role. So for our next session we
are going to begin a new course of action. It's a bit involved but I am
confident we can make it happen. Next time you need to come back with
Mary Kay. It is not, and will not be, my job to unlock you. For the
moment we will hand that over to Mary Kay. Probably not permanently but
who knows.
"So think about it for two days and when you get back here I will either
release you to pursue something else or you will bring Mary Kay in for a
sort-of couples therapy as it were. Tell her to call me ahead of time if
she has questions."
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