Getting bred by Baron
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The Baron
by Jimmye Winburn
ESTABLISHING SCENE - GREEK-LIKE FOREST WITH RIVER - LATE AFTERNOON
TITLE OVER: The valley of Tempe: the home of the virgin goddess Artemis
ATTHIS is in a clearing by the river. She is dressed as an Amazon and
carries a bow. She prepares to take a shot.
ATTHIS
Artemis, guide my arrow for your glory.
ATTHIS releases.
The arrow hits a target dead center.
ATTHIS readies another shot.
It's like this. I was happy to dedicate my life to you. It was easy to
abjure the company of men. That was the LAST thing I wanted.
Artemis, guide my arrow for your glory.
ATTHIS releases.
The arrow again hits dead center.
ATTHIS readies another shot.
Of course, no one understood why I would do such a thing. Heck, they
don't even believe you exist. I don't care. In serving you I serve
womanhood itself. I am now and will always be your devotee. But here's
the thing. This vow of chastity thing? I'm sort of lonely.
(concerned)
Please don't be angry with me. I have no intention of going back on my
promise to you. I would as soon be buried alive like the Vestals of old
than dishonor you in any way. But dear goddess, I don't have any
friends. Everyone thinks I'm weird ...like I'm a sideshow freak or
something. I'm all alone. So, would it be so bad for me to kiss
someone?
(resigned.)
No. There's no hope for me. They're right. I AM a freak. I'm sorry I
even brought up the subject. Please forgive me, Goddess...
ATTHIS looks at her watch. This should be the first indication that
this is not ancient Greece.
Oh, crap!
ATTHIS starts to run off, but thinks again. She returns to fire one
last arrow hardly bothering to aim.
Artemis, guide my arrow...
It still hits dead center.
Camera pulls back to show that she has been 5 feet away from the target
she's been shooting at.
ATTHIS gets on an old-fashioned bicycle and rides off furiously.
ATTHIS rides through streets of a turn of the century western town. She
stops at a well-to-do house and rushes in.
INT. -HOME IN OLD TEMPE-
Mother sits in the salon. ATTHIS tries to rush past her.
ATTHIS
Sorry, Mama. I'll get dinner started in a minute.
MOTHER
Come here a moment, Emma.
ATTHIS
(Stopping and looking back.)
Please don't call me that. I am Atthis now. That is my Artemisian
name.
MOTHER
Don't bother with dinner just yet. Come sit. I want to speak with you.
ATTHIS
What did I do?
MOTHER
I just want a word with you.
ATTHIS moves to the lounge apprehensively.
You were down at the river again, weren't you?
ATTHIS
Yes.
MOTHER sighs.
I know you said -
MOTHER
(sighing)
It doesn't matter, Emma...
(correcting herself)
...Atthis. I'm not doing this to be cruel, you know. I'm am concerned
for you. It can't be healthy shooting arrows all day and talking to a
pagan god.
ATTHIS
(under her breath)
I'm not a freak.
MOTHER
Other girls your age are looking for husbands. Do you not want a
husband?
ATTHIS
No.
MOTHER
What are you going to do when I'm gone? Who will take care of you?
ATTHIS
I'll take care of myself.
MOTHER
You will not.
(realizes that she is getting angry and collects herself.)
Do you remember that show I went to last night? The one you didn't
want to see.
ATTHIS
I hate vaudeville shows.
MOTHER
Yes, well there was a singer in the show. His name was Baron von
Something or other. It was German I think. Anyway, he was very good
looking. You would certainly like him.
ATTHIS
I doubt it.
MOTHER
We were able to visit him in his dressing room after the show. He was
charming and quite affable. He hardly noticed me at first, but when I
told him about you...
ATTHIS
You didn't.
MOTHER
When I told him about you...and in particular, that vow you made, he was
suddenly very interested in hearing more. I explained the situation in
great detail, and when I finished, he actually said he wanted to meet
you.
ATTHIS
Meet me? Why?
MOTHER
I asked him the same question. He said that he had heard of this sort
of thing before and told me I was right to be concerned. If left
unchecked, a man hating streak like this can lead to all sorts of
personality disorders. He actually insisted on coming to dinner tonight
to meet with you and speak with you personally.
ATTHIS
What? No, you didn't.
MOTHER
A celebrity offering to come here to speak with my troubled daughter. I
absolutely said yes.
ATTHIS
Mama, why are you constantly trying to fix me? I don't need to be
fixed. There is nothing wrong with me. I have sworn eternal virginity.
MOTHER
(pained)
I don't want an argument, Sweetheart. And I don't want to hear of any
more silliness. The Baron kindly offered to help and I accepted. I'm
not asking you to have ...carnal relations with him. Just be polite.
ATTHIS
When is this great emancipator coming over.
MOTHER
His excellency will be joining us for dinner.
ATTHIS
Tonight?
MOTHER
The sooner the better. And you'll wear a nice dress too...not this
...Greek thing of yours.
ATTHIS
It's called a chiton.
MOTHER
Not tonight it's not.
ATTHIS rushes off, angrily.
INT. -TEMPE HOME - NIGHTTIME
ATTHIS in a frilly dress sits on an easy chair. She is bored and
obviously humiliated to be dressed so.
Door bell rings. Mother moves past her to the door.
MOTHER
Ah. Right on time. Those Germans. Get up, Sweetie.
ATTHIS stands petulantly and doesn't look up. Off screen we hear MOTHER
open the door.
MOTHER
(off screen)
Excellency. How good of you to come.
BARON
(off screen and speaking with a girl's voice)
Not at all, Mrs. Reign. I trust I'm not late.
The moment BARON speaks, ATTHIS looks up surprised.
BARON and MOTHER at the doorway. Although dressed as a gentleman,
perhaps even a dandy, it's obvious that the BARON is female.
BARON kisses MOTHER'S hand.
MOTHER
(delighted)
Oh, Excellency!
BARON
Enchant?.
MOTHER
Excellency, may I present my daughter, Emma. She's the one I told you
about.
BARON
(moving past MOTHER to take ATTHIS's hand)
Emma? But surely this is the reincarnation of Atthis of Sardis.
The beloved of the ninth muse, Sappho.
BARON tries to kiss ATTHIS' hand.
ATTHIS
(pulling her hand away)
What's going on here?
(to MOTHER)
Are you making fun of me?
MOTHER
Don't be silly, Emma. His excellency is merely being polite. That's
what barons do. Please behave.
ATTHIS
But he's ...this is a...what's going on here?
MOTHER
Forgive her, your Excellency. You can see how dire the situation is.
BARON
(laughing)
You neglected to tell me how attractive she was.
MOTHER
You are too kind. It must be a German trait. Come, Excellency. Shall
we have dinner first?
MOTHER allows BARON to take her arm.
MOTHER scowls at ATTHIS as they move past past her.
ATTHIS just watches them go, still confused.
MOTHER
(now off screen and sharing small talk with BARON.)
I'm sure you'll enjoy dinner. For all of her faults, my daughter is an
excellent cook.
BARON
I'm sure I will.
INT. - DINNER TABLE OF TEMPE HOME- SAME EVENING
Mother and Baron laugh and continue small talk about the show the
previous evening and how much she enjoyed it. ATTHIS is not eating.
She is just staring at the Baron, alternatively angry and confused.
MOTHER
What ARE you staring at, Girl?
ATTHIS turns to MOTHER, incredulously, then points to BARON.
MOTHER
Well, stop it. You are embarrassing me. You'll have to forgive my
daughter, Excellency. We are not used to having royalty at our table.
BARON
No, no. She's fine. I'm accustomed to young girls gawking at me.
ATTHIS rolls her eyes as though to say, "Yeah, right."
MOTHER
I said stop it.
ATTHIS
Mother, please tell me that I'm not the only one who can see that this
Baron of yours is a girl.
MOTHER
(shocked)
Emma!
BARON laughs.
ATTHIS
Well he is.
MOTHER
(standing)
Excellency, would you excuse us for a moment?
MOTHER "gently" pulls ATTHIS from her chair and takes her into the
kitchen.
INT - TEMPE HOME - KITCHEN - NIGHT
MOTHER
What are you doing?
ATTHIS
Isn't it enough that people call me a monster? Do you have to mock me
too?
MOTHER
What are you going on about?
ATTHIS
Mother, he's a girl.
MOTHER
Nonsense. He couldn't possibly be a girl.
ATTHIS
What? Why not?
MOTHER
Because he's a baron? They don't make girls barons. I'll admit, he's
a bit effeminate. But that's a German thing. They're all faggy like
that. God help them if they ever actually go to war with anyone.
ATTHIS, confused, mouths "Faggy?"
MOTHER
Fay or not, you have to admit he's an exceedingly handsome young man.
ATTHIS
He's a girl.
MOTHER
Would a girl have throngs of women at the theater door each night?
Would a girl have other girls fighting each other just so they could
catch a glimpse?
ATTHIS
That would depend on the girl.
MOTHER
No, they would not. They see a gorgeous young man and are naturally
drawn to him. My god, if I were young again, I'd make a play for him
myself.
ATTHIS
With that? Are you kidding me? You do realize that he's not.....he
doesn't have....
(smiling)
On second thought,yes. you should make a play for him.
MOTHER
Don't be ridiculous.
MOTHER pushes ATTHIS back into the dining room.
BARON, still at the table, rises when the women reenter the room.
(to BARON)
No problem. Here we are. Everything is fine.
INT. -DINING ROOM OF TEMPE HOME
Everyone is seated as they were before.
BARON is relating tales of his adventures on the road.
ATTHIS
(incredulously)
So, you're a real baron then?
BARON
Absolutely, dear girl. I've only been in your country for three years.
Before that, I was riding through the plains of Bavaria, hunting.
ATTHIS
The plains of Bavaria?
(She chuckles)
Funny, you don't sound German at all.
BARON
(a bit shaken but recovering.)
That's because I'm Austrian.
ATTHIS
Austrian.
BARON
Have you ever been to Austria?
ATTHIS
No.
BARON
Ah, that's fine.
MOTHER
(trying to change the subject)
You know, Excellency. Emma hunts as well.
BARON
Indeed?
MOTHER
Oh yes. She is deadly with that bow of hers. She spends most of the
day down at the river hunting rabbits.
BARON
Rabbits? How nice. I've hunted rabbits. Great sport.
ATTHIS
(still trying to trip him up.)
What do you hunt with?
BARON
Excuse me?
ATTHIS
What do you hunt with?
BARON
Oh. A gun.
ATTHIS
What sort of gun?
BARON
A rabbit hunting gun. It's been a while.
EXT. FRONT PORCH OF TEMPE HOME - STILL NIGHT.
BARON smokes a pipe and looks out to the yard.
ATTHIS is pushed outside and is clearly upset to be treated so.
BARON turns to ATTHIS and smiles at her.
BARON
Ah, here you are.
ATTHIS
Didn't have much of a choice.
BARON
Yes, I can see that. I appreciate you coming out. I did want some
time to speak with you alone.
ATTHIS
Now that we are alone ...what this is all about? Who the hell are you?
BARON
Beg pardon?
ATTHIS
You may have fooled my mother...and apparently half of Tempe, but you
haven't fooled me. I don't know what you're planning to do here, but if
you think I can't see through this phony baron routine, you would be
sadly mistaken.
BARON
So, you really do think that I'm female?
ATTHIS
Oh, stop it.
BARON
I've been called many things since coming here...some would hardly be
appropriate to bring up in polite company ...but "girl" is not one of
them.
ATTHIS moves to BARON and strokes his face.
ATTHIS
Funny that a man of your age would have no hint of a beard.
BARON
(embarrassed)
It is an unfortunate condition of my family that the men develop late.
ATTHIS points to his breasts.
ATTHIS
And these? Are these the result of late development.
BARON
(even more embarrassed)
Yes.
ATTHIS sits on the front steps.
ATTHIS
This is unbelievable.
CLOSE UP: ATTHIS with her head in her hands on the steps.
ATTHIS turns and is startled to discover that BARON has brought his face
very close to hers.
BARON
Allow me to propose an alternative explanation. Have you considered
the possibility that you found yourself attracted to me but your
prejudice against men prevented you from seeing me as I am. The only
way your mind could handle the possibility of actually liking a man was
to see him as a woman.
ATTHIS pushes his face away.
ATTHIS
So you're saying that I am overwhelmed by your magnificence?
BARON
In a word, yes.
ATTHIS
You might be a man after all.
BARON brings his face close to ATTHIS' again. As he speaks, he brings
his face even closer as though he is making to kiss her.
BARON
My dear, you have gotten it backwards. It is I who am overwhelmed by
your magnificence. I'll admit I didn't know what I was getting into
when I came here. Your mother simply wanted me to get you to see the
error of your ways. I do have a little experience in turning young
women such as yourself...
ATTHIS
(visibly nervous but not moving away.)
Do you now.
BARON
...but when I actually beheld you in person, I was stunned.
BARON strokes her nose with a finger.
This cute little nose of yours?
BARON strokes her cheek.
These classic cheek bones?
As BARON draws ever closer, ATTHIS becomes increasingly breathless, as
though he is getting to her.
These lips.
BARON moves in for a kiss. ATTHIS finally collects herself and gets
away.
ATTHIS rushes away from the house, stops, turns back, and shouts
angrily.
ATTHIS
Stop making fun of me.
SCENE: EXT. TEMPE FOREST FROM FIRST SCENE
ATTHIS is shooting arrow after arrow, but we don't now see the result.
ATTHIS
She spent all night pushing that phoney-balony Baron on me. He's our
guest and you need to stop saying these horrible things about him. He
was a girl! I know a girl when I see one. And through it all he was
just sitting there with a stupid grin. Baron my ass. He's no more a
baron than I'm a ...a ...something that isn't a baron. Grr. And he was
all, "how charming you are, my dear. What a delicate flower." It was a
lot of hooey.
ATTHIS releases another arrow..
He even tried to kiss me. Yes. Kiss me. But you don't need to worry.
I didn't let him. Of course, he isn't really a man, so even if he did I
don't suppose it would make a difference to my vow. But then, why am I
calling him a "he?" Dear Goddess, why am I the only one who can see
this?
Another arrow away.
And to top it all off, when he wasn't getting anywhere he actually
invited me to see his show.
(pause)
I'm sorry, what was that? Am I going to the show? You bet I am. He
thinks he's
so clever. But I have a plan. I know exactly how to show him for what
he really is. Just you wait.
SCENE - INT. VAUDEVILLE THEATER - EVENING
A funny man sprays another funny man with selzer water.
SHOT OF:
ATTHIS in the audience. She is not pleased. Everyone around her,
including her mother is laughing uproariously.
The clowns have one last gag, then hurry off stage to music.
The host comes back from the other side of the stage, clapping.
MC
The Sizzle Brothers. Let's give them a nice round of applause.
The audience claps enthusiastically. ATTHIS barely touches her hands
together.
And now the moment I know all you Tempe gals have been waiting for.
Girls in the audience squeal.
Yes, it's time. Here he is. Direct from ...somewhere or other in
Europe. The Hunky Hun himself. Baron von Ausome!
Girls scream loudly. MOTHER is even enthusiastic. ATTHIS hears his
name and tugs at MOTHER'S sleeve unbelieving.
ATTHIS
(mouthing the words exasperated. )
Baron von AUSOME?!
ATTHIS shakes her head.
BARON comes out on stage and does a romantic number about looking for a
goddess to worship. He teases the girls who occasionally scream and try
to grab him.
In the middle of the din, ATTHIS at first continues to scowl. Then,
almost imperceptibly, she smiles.
BARON finishes his act by tossing a red rose directly to ATTHIS. She
catches it, almost against her will, then looks at it as though
thinking, "Why did I just do that?"
SCENE: - EXT. THEATER DOOR
Many girls assembled at the door, excited. MOTHER and ATTHIS join them
but ATTHIS' steely resolve has returned. She is still carrying the
rose, though.
BARON appears at the door and, smiling, makes his way through the
throngs of adoring fans.
ATTHIS
(annoyed at being pushed around.)
He's a girl you fools! He's a girl.
BARON spots ATTHIS and moves towards her and MOTHER. MOTHER is just as
excited as the other groupies.
MOTHER
Wonderful show, your Excellency.
BARON
Thank you, Madame. I see you got my flower, Miss Atthis. What did you
think
of the show?
ATTHIS
I think you are very clever at fooling a great many people.
BARON
Still think I'm a girl, eh?
ATTHIS
I know you are. And I can prove it.
BARON
Prove it? How do you intend to prove this great theory of yours?
ATTHIS
You're a hunter, yes?
BARON
Absolutely.
ATTHIS
Rabbits?
BARON
Big fluffy ones.
ATTHIS
Of course. I hereby challenge you. Your rifle against my bow. Such an
accomplished sportsman as yourself would certainly be able to best a
stupid girl with just a bow.
MOTHER
Emma. Don't preposterous. The baron is much too busy to come join you
in your silly games at the river.
BARON
No, no, Madame. That's quite all right. A hunt, you say? I accept your
challenge.
SCENE- EXT. TEMPE VALLEY -EARLY MORNING
BARON is dressed in a romantic shirt, one that is easily removed.
ATTHIS is back in her chiton.
ATTHIS
Let me see if I get this straight. You looked for your rifle this
morning and found it missing?
BARON
Terribly careless of me, I know.
ATTHIS
I would say so.
BARON
If you wanted to postpone the challenge, we could go back to town and
have a nice breakfast. I would buy of course.
ATTHIS
Oh no. I came here to hunt. I wouldn't dream of you coming all this
way for nothing. Walk with me. Let me show you how a real hunter
hunts.
Scenes follow of ATTHIS and the BARON walking along the river. BARON
happily tells stories of his adventures on the road. ATTHIS merely
listens and smiles ominously. Eventually, she stops short.
ATTHIS
Shh.
BARON
What is it?
ATTHIS
Rabbit.
BARON
Where?
ATTHIS points to the side.
I don't see anything.
ATTHIS
Over there. Go ahead, get closer.
BARON does move toward where ATTHIS indicates. Eventually, he turns
back to her.
BARON
I don't see ...
BARON looks down at the arrow that is pointed directly at his head.
...any rabbit. Um...is that really a safe thing to do?
ATTHIS
Safe for me.
BARON tries to ease the arrow to the side.
BARON
Could I ask you to ...um ....
ATTHIS moves the arrow back.
ATTHIS
Tell me the truth, Baron.
BARON
The truth?
ATTHIS
Admit it or die.
BARON
You can't be serious.
ATTHIS makes to release the arrow.
BARON
Fine, fine. I'm not really a baron. Happy now? Please move that
thing...
ATTHIS
I was not entirely truthful with you. This isn't just a place I hunt
for
rabbits. This is the sacred grove of the virgin goddess Artemis. Do
you know
what happens to men who dare enter the sacred grove?
BARON
They are greeted warmly and there is much drinking and dancing?
ATTHIS
(forgetting herself for a moment.)
No,no. That would be Dionysos and -
(remembering what she is doing.)
Don't change the subject! Men who dare to enter the most holy inner
sanctum of the protector of women are slain.
BARON
Slain. Tell me, fierce warrior. You aren't the one who actually does
this slaying, are you?
ATTHIS
(insulted)
No! What do you take me for?
BARON
That's a good thing.
ATTHIS
It doesn't matter. If you are a man, your life is forfeit. If you
are a woman,
then you have nothing to fear. So I will ask you for the last time, are
you a girl?
BARON
See here. Is this really necessary?
ATTHIS
(furious and brandishing the bow threateningly.)
Are you a girl?!
BARON
(quickly)
Only biologically.
ATTHIS
(suddenly confused.)
Excuse me?
BARON
If you are asking if I have girl ...stuff...then the answer is ...yes.
I do. But that
doesn't mean I'm a woman.
ATTHIS
Actually that kind of does.
BARON
No. It does not. Please put that thing down and I'll tell you
everything.
ATTHIS reluctantly lowers the bow.
Thank you. When people are born, other people say they are either male
or female.
ATTHIS
That is the general consensus, yes.
BARON
Generally, yes. But it's not that simple. Sometimes some people are
born
who are somewhere in between.
ATTHIS
Between what?
BARON
You know. Between. And as it happens, I am one of those people. While
I was born with the body of a woman, as you say, my mind is now and has
ever been
male.
ATTHIS
I don't think I quite understand.
BARON
I think like a man. I feel like a man. But more importantly...I love
like a man.
ATTHIS
What do you mean?
BARON
I mean, dear one, that was no mere flattery on my part the other night.
Although we met under strained conditions, I do find you very
attractive.
BARON starts to move towards ATTHIS amorously.
As he draws closer, she again begins to breath heavily.
It was the man in me that complimented your beauteous countenance. It
was my inner masculinity that tried to kiss you. It was my man's soul
that fell in love with you.
BARON kisses ATTHIS. She does not resist.
SCENE: Tasteful love making scene between the two by the side of the
river...possibly in the river as well.
SCENE: establishing montage in which the BARON and ATTHIS become an item
around town. MOTHER is often in the background, pleased that her
daughter has been cured.
INT. - BEDROOM OF TEMPE HOME-
BARON and ATTHIS are sitting up in ATTHIS' bed. It is obvious from
their small talk that they have been making love.
MOTHER enters unsuspecting.
MOTHER
Sweetie, I -
ATTHIS pulls the covers over her.
ATTHIS
Mother!
MOTHER
(shocked and temporarily unable to speak.)
Dear God.
ATTHIS
(defensively)
How could you just come into my room like that?
MOTHER
Dear God.
MOTHER turns and leaves the room, muttering.
Dear God.
ATTHIS gets out of bed and hastily puts on a robe.
ATTHIS
Mother. Wait.
ATTHIS goes out into the living room, looks around, and discovers that
MOTHER is out on the front porch. ATTHIS rushes outside.
EXT. - TEMPE HOME
ATTHIS
Mother, please --
MOTHER turns to her frightened. She tries to speak, finds she can't and
walks away.
Please listen to me.
MOTHER
How could you do this to me, Emma?
ATTHIS
You had to know that something like this was bound to happen. The Baron
and I are --
MOTHER
I don't want to hear it. This isn't at all what I wanted. This wasn't
the plan. What a complete idiot -
BARON joins them on the front porch. He has put on his boy clothes
again hastily.
You! This is your fault.
MOTHER moves to BARON threateningly. ATTHIS holds up a hand to protect
him.
ATTHIS
Mother!
MOTHER backs off and paces.
MOTHER
Oh, the shame of this. If word of this ever gets out, our reputation is
ruined in this town.
ATTHIS looks around concerned.
ATTHIS
You might have wanted to reconsider coming out here to discuss it then.
MOTHER
(turning back to ATTHIS.)
There is only one thing I want to know now... are you in trouble?
ATTHIS
(confused)
What?
MOTHER
(angrily.)
Please tell me you're not pregnant.
ATTHIS
Pregnant?! No! He can't -
MOTHER
(turning away again.)
I thank God for that at least. But it doesn't take away the shame.
(composing herself.)
Well, there is clearly only one thing we can do.
ATTHIS and BARON look confused.
You two must marry.
ATTHIS
What?!
MOTHER
You have no right to refuse this, Emma. This is the only way we can get
out of this situation.
BARON smirks slightly.
Don't smirk like that, young man. This is a serious business. I'm sure
this sort of thing happens in the theater world all the time. But out
here...do you intend to make an honest woman of my daughter?
BARON
My apologies, Madame. No disrespect was intended. I in fact
absolutely agree with your plan.
ATTHIS
What? Have you all gone insane?
BARON drops to one knee.
BARON
Beautiful Atthis nee Emma. Would you be my bride?
ATTHIS
This is ridiculous. We can't get married.
BARON smiles.
Mother, he can't....we can't....we could never...
BARON smiles again.
(suddenly getting it.)
Oh.
MOTHER
Answer him, Girl.
ATTHIS
(smiling back.)
Yes, I will marry you.
The lovers embrace.
MOTHER rushes around happily discussing the arrangements that have to be
made.
ATTHIS and BARON smile at each other.
ATTHIS looks up at the sky.
(quietly ...obviously talking to Artemis.)
Thank you.
Fade to credits as the two women continue looking lovingly at each other
and mother continues to discuss the wedding plans.
THE END
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