My Wonderful Obsession 11 free porn video

My Wonderful Obsession Part 11: My Junior Year Julia's brother Shane needed to go to Lexington for another baseball tournament early in August, and this time Julia was expected to go along so she wouldn't be home alone where she might 'get into trouble'. But once again she managed to wriggle out of it at the last minute - she convinced her parents that she wasn't feeling well enough to accompany them. Actually I thought they were kind of relieved that she wouldn't be moping around acting bored. When I got the phone call to come over early on the Saturday morning, I jumped at the chance, telling Mom I was going bike riding and wouldn't be back until that afternoon. Twenty minutes later I had my bike parked at the back of Julia's house, as she had directed. There was a post-it note stuck to the back door, which simply read "I'm downstairs." Soon I was snuggled up with her on the couch in the dark, watching a movie, or more correctly listening to a movie ... we were so absorbed with kissing each other that we totally tuned it out. She was wearing that pretty baby-blue nightie again, so I was able to slide my hands all over her perfectly smooth skin. Eventually Julia reached for the remote and shut the movie off altogether, and when her hand came back it had a condom in it ... About two or three hours later we finally pulled ourselves away from each other. I had been totally blown away by my second-ever orgasm, but Julia ... well, I lost count after her fifth or sixth. Mine came first, making love the same way we had the previous time. Julia came two or three times with my finger in her, and after that we just held each other close for a long time. But then I grew hard again, and my reward was a new condom along with directions to start caressing her again. Soon my finger was back inside, and as Julia got wetter I put a second finger in. All this time she was grasping and stroking me, until I was hard as before. "Come on top of me," Julia panted, and I did as I was asked, as she spread her legs wide open to receive me. The famous 'missionary position,' I thought with excitement, as I slid back into her warm vagina. I found myself holding her butt cheeks tightly in my hands as I thrust faster and faster. She lifted her legs high and yelled "Go for it Sandy, go for it!" - so I thrust as hard and fast as I could until Julia's eyes opened wide and she let out a long cry of sheer delight. I stopped moving but she said "Keep going Sandy, keep going," so I started again, only to have her erupt again, then a few seconds later, once again. After that we both fell asleep while I was still buried deep inside her. It was mid-afternoon when we gathered up the blanket we had made love on, and wrapping it around us we climbed the stairs. Julia led the way into the master bathroom and turned the water on in the big walk-in shower. 'Oh-oh,' I thought - 'is this when I have to show my chest?' But the room had a dimmer and I was able to keep the lights down very low as we stepped into the shower, both totally nude. I had never showered with anyone before, and I have to admit it was one of the most sensuous experiences of my life. We hugged and kissed, soaping up each other's smooth bodies and loving the wonderful, sexy feeling of sliding them against each other. Soon I was standing behind Julia with my arms holding her close and my hands caressing her round, firm breasts and erect nipples. Not to be outdone, Julia reached behind and gripped my penis with one hand and my butt with the other. Soon I had two fingers in her vagina again, and we were each stimulating the other while kissing passionately under the warm running water. I opened my eyes just long enough to see her blotchy red chest skin, which told me she was close, so I concentrated on being as perfect as I could for her in spite of how distracting it was with her hand pumping me! Before I knew it I was over the crest and sliding out of control to yet another orgasm - so I gave it everything I had to bring Julia with me, planting my mouth on one of her nipples, sucking and licking, and then ... we both screamed with sheer delight at the exact same instant! Our lips somehow found each other before the scream ended, and we just stood there, leaning against the shower wall with water still running all over us, kissing and caressing for I don't know how long ... but then the water started going cold and we quickly shut it off, laughing and giggling uncontrollably for several more minutes. Julia was the first to speak: "Sandy, you are so, so, so amazing. Do you have any idea what just happened? We came TOGETHER, Sandy! That means we're totally meant for each other! I am SO in love with you!" I was still weak from my two orgasms. "I'm so in love with you too ... this is so awesome, how good we are together. I had no clue how incredible sex could be." "Only 'cause you're a boy, darling Sandy," she stated as she grabbed towels for us. "This is how life's going to be for you when you're the boy and I'm the girl - you can have me whenever you want me." "You drive such a hard bargain, Julia," I laughed, thinking about the possibilities. "No, baby, you're the one with the hard parts," she said seductively, reaching for my now very limp penis. "I'm the softie, and don't you forget it." How could I forget how very female my girlfriend was? I'd experienced two spectacular sexual encounters with her, and she'd made me feel so fortunate to have been born a male while I was with her. But later, on my own, I realized that as amazing and wonderful as those experiences had been, I wasn't prepared to give up my own quest to become more female. Even if it meant I might give up the chance to have more of those experiences in the future. ***** Julia's sixteenth birthday was just after mid-August. Her take-charge Mom decreed that another pool party was in order, which didn't please Julia who wanted to simply go out to a restaurant with school friends to celebrate. I knew why she didn't want the pool party. Mrs. Taylor's idea would require me to be Alexandra, instead of Alexander if Julia had her way. My dual personality was definitely causing more and more problems! A compromise was reached - the pool party would be one day before her birthday, and the restaurant party would be on the actual date. That meant I'd need to be quite feminine one day, and as masculine as possible the next. Talk about being schizophrenic! It all went off without a hitch, though. The pool party was mostly a repeat performance of a month earlier, except that I couldn't resist looking just a little nicer than I did the previous time. I had my now shoulder-length hair tied back into a ponytail with a big scrunchie that matched my yellow bathing suit, my eye makeup was done, and I made sure my long fingernails were painted in my signature fuchsia-pink color. Toenails too! I felt absolutely wonderful. Oddly, Julia didn't seem as miffed as I expected her to be. When we were alone I asked her why. She replied that from now on, she'd made up her mind that it was best to keep Alexander and Alexandra separate. One was her boyfriend, and the other was her girlfriend. That sounded great to me, but I privately doubted she'd be able to manage the separation for too long. Unfortunately I was right on that score. The next evening there were nine of us from our tenth-grade class at the restaurant. I'd had to reluctantly trim my nails back a lot and remove all traces of my two coats of polish and sealer I wore the day before. Toenails too, since this evening I had leather sandals on. My hair was still tied back in a ponytail, but this time it was down near my neck instead of up near the crown of my head where girls usually wore ponytails. All of us had a super time, laughing and joking and sharing stories about our summer activities and what other classmates were up to. It was great fun being with a bunch of people I knew, instead of just one friend. We all knew that in two weeks' time we'd be back in school, so we were determined to 'party hearty' while we could! ***** Just the same, I was excited to be entering my Junior year - in the elite half of the high school population, and only two more years till freedom! Well, the prospect of college did seem like freedom to me, after so many years of grade school. In the meantime I was determined to make the best of things. After a completely unbelievable summer, with so much time spent in female mode, it would take some getting used to for me to be back in guy mode most of the time. I say 'most' because I was hoping to still do some girl weekends as well as continuing at my job with the Taylors. But there's no way I was going to school in a skirt or anything else like that. Imagine the trouble I'd be in! So I'd need to get some of my nice long hair cut off. Karen at Turning Heads was helpful as always, though - she had a few androgynous hairstyles for me to choose from, and I was able to pick one that could still be made to look feminine with a brush and an accessory or two. On my first day back at school, I nearly caused a scene by accidentally walking into the girls' restroom, just as I'd done automatically so many times during the summer and at catering jobs. After making embarrassed apologies to a few miffed girls, I came up with a way to avoid making that mistake again - I'd simply glance at my fingernails and if they were painted, I'd go into the ladies'. If they weren't, it was the men's. One more complication of leading a double life! Other than that, things got back to normal pretty quick. Or as normal as my life could be - singing lessons, exercising, accounting work, catering, and massive amounts of homework. I'd never been busier. There was certainly no time for shopping with Natalie. And I could barely find time to spend with Julia, let alone Kath. But Kath and I did go running together once in a while when both of us could make the time. One weekend in late September we were doing just that when Kath broached the subject of acne and birth control pills. It was a touchy subject with me, since the last of my pills had run out more than two months before, and my acne was coming back, though not as bad as before, maybe because I'd been in the sun so much that summer. Then there was the whole issue of what Dr. Cooper had told me, and I was beginning to get very worried about becoming more masculine. "So are you just going to live with it?" she asked, referring to my skin problem. "I might have to ... I wish I could come up with a brilliant idea to get my hands on more pills. There aren't a lot of options for a teenage guy, though." "But there are for a teenage girl," Kath said optimistically. "So you think I should, like, pretend to be a girl and get my own prescription? Something tells me that might not work out too well." "Might not for you, but shouldn't be any trouble for me." I was a little shocked. "What are you saying, Kath?" "I'm saying I can get you your pills - shouldn't be any problem at all. I'm sixteen now. If I go to a birth control clinic and tell them I'm sexually active, they'll write me a prescription on the spot, no questions asked." "Are you serious - you'd do that? For me??" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "For you, darling, anything - just remember me in your will, or something like that. I know you'd do it for me if the tables were turned." What an amazing friend she was. I was just starting to say "Kath, you're ..." "I know, I know," she interrupted, "the best friend a guy ever had, or was it a girl ... whatever." ***** Running was an essential part of my lifestyle that fall - I found that it helped my mind to focus better on the important things that needed sorting out in my life. I also hoped it would keep my legs, hips and butt from getting out of shape. And I always felt way better after a good, long run. But there was a minor problem - my breasts were just big enough now that it was uncomfortable to let them bounce as I ran. So one evening I took the bus to the mall in girl mode, and went into a fitness store to buy myself a sports bra. Luckily a salesgirl there was able to help me with getting fitted properly. That was a little different, allowing a stranger to see my bare chest, with me pretending I was a female! But she just accepted that I was a girl, and I ended up buying two bras, one regular sports model in black that could be worn by itself on warmer days, and one with thinner material and straps that would look almost like a regular bra under tee shirts. Neither one had any padding which was okay with me since I wouldn't necessarily want my breasts showing if I was in guy mode. From then on, I always wore a sports bra while running. It was usually cool outside, since the summer was over, so I could wear a sweatshirt and no one could tell what I had on underneath. Then I could just do that activity in guy mode and not worry about my male bulge showing. I figured that next summer might be a different story. I was jogging with Kath one evening in October when I noticed her arm held out toward me, hand clenched around something. I stopped and accepted a small package from her - birth control pills! "Kath - I didn't think you were serious about this! Wow - you're amazing!" "Yeah, I know I am - who else would bend over backwards for her best friend when he's seeing someone on the side ..." She was smiling, at least. "Oh, Kath - I don't know what to say ..." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. "Just say you won't forget who your best friend is. I don't mind if you're dating Julia, just make sure you don't ignore me." "Actually, I'm seeing you a lot more than her these days." We resumed our jogging. "She only likes being with Alexander, not Alexandra. When we do catering, you know who she sees. And that's pretty much the only other thing I have time for this year, except for running - and she doesn't live next door ... YOU do." "Hmm, that sounds okay after all. You might be seeing Julia on the side, but you're always running off with me!" I groaned as loud as I could. "We'd better walk for a while ... you must be beat, 'cause your jokes are sounding pretty tired too." We slowed down to a fast walk. Kath said, "Well, honey bunch, like I said you can be whoever you want around me. Tell you what, be Sandy the boyfriend when you go out with Julia, and Sandy the girlfriend when you hang out with me." "Kath, do you realize how complicated that gets? Your parents only know me as a guy, and her parents, well her Dad anyway, is convinced I'm a girl. And her Mom only ever sees me as a girl. The easiest thing is for me to be a guy all the time like I was before ....except I'm not ready to do that, I'm having too much fun right now." "I knew that," said Kath. "Like I said, be a she as much as you want with me. My folks can bugger off if they don't like it." "I'm not worried if they'll like it or not - just if they think I'm queer or something." "Honey bunch, don't y'all worry your pretty little head 'bout nothin'," Kath said in her best southern belle accent. "Everthang'll be fahn." "When you put it that way, I start to get REAL worried. You're a worse schemer than Julia sometimes." ***** Back on the Pill after not taking it for three months, my face started clearing up once again. Ethical dilemma time! What would I tell Mom? If I owned up, she'd feel obligated to tell her friend Mrs. Thomas what her daughter was up to. Ditto for Dr. Cooper. And she'd have to do her best to convince me not to take them. So I figured, not without guilt feelings, that I'd be doing both Mom and Kathleen a favor by not sharing this little secret. If Mom asked me why I thought my acne was disappearing, I'd tell her I was being more diligent about hygiene, or I was older now, or some other B.S. like that. At voice lessons, Mrs. White thought my voice had gone slightly huskier since last season, and I thought so too. 'Is it the start of the big change?' I wondered, not a little fearfully. Was it because I was off the Pill so long? Now that I was back on it, I felt relieved - and hopeful that my voice wouldn't go any deeper. But Mrs. White told me when a boy singer's voice is changing, he loses a lot of power, or volume, and it cracks a lot when he's singing. No such thing was happening with me, thankfully. ***** Julia's parents threw a Halloween party at their house, and most of the gang from the summer pool parties attended. My choice of costume wasn't too hard - it just had to be female, and there were lots of choices. But most of the ones in the stores were over-the-top sexy or stupid, so I ended up going as Eliza Doolittle, since I already owned that one and I knew Julia would be cool with it. Julia, surprisingly, was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader - and why not, she had the body for it! Kath brought her Karaoke machine again, so of course we spent a lot of time singing demented songs like 'The Monster Mash', and 'Time Warp' from 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show,' one of Kath's all-time favorites. But I had a problem - the Taylors' rec room was huge and everyone that wasn't singing was dancing. I couldn't move very well in my big roomy skirts, so if I wasn't singing I had to sit the song out. Mrs. Taylor noticed my problem and motioned for me to follow her upstairs, where she dug an old men's tuxedo out of a closet and said, "Here - why don't you try this. Mr. Taylor wore it when we got married ... you're about the right size, maybe a few inches shorter. I thought, 'Why not?' so I took the tux into the guest room and got changed. The sleeves weren't too bad, but the trousers were a few inches too long. Mrs. Taylor solved that with some masking tape on the inside, found me some socks and shoes, and soon I was ready to re-join the others - well, after I cleaned up my face. And straightened my hair, with the help of some hair gel, which gave me a Roaring Twenties dandy look. Luckily, I wasn't wearing any nail polish. I got a huge reaction when I went back downstairs. Everyone clapped - especially Julia! The other girls made remarks about how I made such a convincing young man (if they only knew!) and I had a great time for the rest of the night, doing my best imitation of a suave, debonair young gentleman. 'What a strange situation,' I thought several times - 'can it get any weirder than this? Here I am, a guy pretending to be a girl who's disguised as a guy for Halloween!' But Julia was thrilled, and I think she made the others feel uncomfortable by dancing with me so much, her arms often around my neck. At least she didn't try to kiss me. How bizarre - if everyone knew I was really a guy they wouldn't have given a kiss between us a second thought. "I've changed my mind," she said as we were dancing. "You look so good in a tux that I want you to just be a guy from now on." 'Oh brother,' I thought - 'how do I get out of this one?' "Can I still work for your folks?" I pleaded. "I need the money." "Maybe it's time for you to get a different job ..." When I left the party I was feeling pretty glum about what Julia had said. I loved working catering jobs for the Taylors. Or maybe what I really loved was the dressing up part. Whatever, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to have my cake and eat it - too much longer. ***** Mom got a call from Dr. Cooper's office asking if I'd be able to come in for another checkup and an interview. When she asked me how I felt about it, I agreed even though I was a little nervous. After all, I was still taking the Pill against strict orders. So I stopped taking it a week before the appointment. There we were sitting in the waiting room one December morning, with me missing my first two classes and Mom worried about how her cleaning staff were doing without supervision. Soon we were shown into Dr. Cooper's examination room, and the doctor followed us in, asking Mom to sit in a chair and me to sit on the exam table. "Hello Mrs. Johnson, and hello Sandy." She looked at a file folder. "It's been four months since I saw you last. How are you doing?" She directed the question at me. "Fine, I guess. I feel pretty good. School's not bad ... you know, just the regular stuff." I see your skin's still clear, and your voice is still the same. You haven't been taking any drugs or hormones?" I shook my head. 'Is it a lie if I don't say anything?' I asked myself. "Are you still wearing girls' clothes?" she continued. This one was easier to be honest about, but Mom answered before I could. "Sandy's part-time catering job requires it, and sometimes he dresses like that when we're working in the kitchen together. I approve." Dr. Cooper nodded. Then she looked at me. "Sandy, I'd like to take another blood sample, if that's okay with you. I just want to see whether your male hormone levels have started to recover yet." "That's okay with me," I said. Knowing that information would be useful, I thought, because then I'd know if the pills I was taking were still doing their job. "But if they're not coming back I really don't mind." She seemed to be interested in what I just said. "Do you mean you're okay with having feminine features for the rest of your life? Because that's what would happen, Sandy. And as I told you before, you wouldn't be able to father children." I could tell that Mom was getting nervous, because she kept shifting position in her chair. "I know," I responded. "But I never wanted to be a 'real guy' anyway. I don't relate to guys at all." Mom added, "Sandy prefers to be 'one of the girls,' if you know what I mean, Doctor. I've never seen him happier than when he's, um, dressed as a girl and doing things that girls do. My other son's the exact opposite - he's a typical male, just like his Dad was." Then she shrugged a bit and continued, "Sandy is just like me - I love being who I am, a woman, and I'm sure he inherited that sense of who he really is inside from me." "Mrs. Johnson," said the doctor, "that's a very intuitive thing you just told me. I tend to believe that, too. Sandy is a fascinating case, which is why Dr. Westerman would also like to see him again." She looked at me. "What do you think, Sandy?" I couldn't think of any harm that would come of it, so I answered, "Sure, no problem." After I gave the sample, Dr. Cooper scheduled a follow-up appointment for early in the New Year, and Mom and I left her office to get back to our regular busy lives. ***** Julia and I only had a couple of opportunities for 'quickies' during the Fall. But I sensed that she wasn't quite as eager to have sex with me as she was in the summer, and I was sure I knew why. So I began filling in the gaps 'on my own,' if you know what I mean. I'd never done that before Julia showed me how, but soon after, I was having sex with myself quite regularly! Sometimes, if I woke up with an erection, I'd do it before getting out of bed, but more often than not I'd do it in the shower, which I enjoyed more and, besides, there was a lot less chance of someone unexpectedly walking in on me! No matter where it happened, I always fantasized about making love with Julia, and that really intensified my pleasure. We finally got to spend some quality time together over the Christmas holidays. We went to a couple of movies and on New Year's Eve we hung out at my place for the whole day, watching TV, sharing snacks, and chatting about school, friends ... and us. "So, have you made any New Year's resolutions?" she asked later in the afternoon just before her Mom came to pick her up. "Uh, not really ... like what kind do you mean?" Of course I knew exactly what she was getting at. "Like, getting serious about your life and being who you really are from now on?" "You mean you want me to quit the girl stuff once and for all." She nodded, "Yeah, that's what I mean. I've tried my best to accept Alexandra, but I just can't anymore." I'd already thought it over a hundred times since the fall, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Alexandra was a part of me I just couldn't let go of. I could sort of understand where Julia was coming from, but I still held out hope because I didn't want to lose my girlfriend either. "I thought you loved ME. I have a masculine side AND a feminine side. If I was a regular guy maybe you wouldn't like me as much ..." "No, actually I'd like you a lot more, Sandy. I get totally turned off seeing you dressed like a girl. You're going to have to decide if it's me or Alexandra - you can't have both." Deep down I realized I'd known that for quite a while. But it was still a depressing thought and I found it impossible to make that decision. I also knew that if I didn't, it would be made for me. After the New Year we hardly saw each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, and there were no more opportunities for intimacy. It was very hard for me to accept that our relationship was on the rocks, and when I did see her, she expressed frustration at how I wasn't dealing with Alexandra the way she'd asked me to. The only times we got to hang out were at catering jobs, where of course I had to be Alexandra, and I knew that bugged her no end. But I had no idea what to do about it. ***** Even though my High School years always started off slowly, with year- end seeming impossibly far off, somehow they always seemed to zoom past anyway. Eleventh grade was no exception - all a blur of work, work, work and almost no play. Well, except for Drama class. It was a ton of fun learning acting ... expression, movement, speech, relationship. And I loved the mini-performances that we did on stage each month. But the one thing I found missing was dance - creative dance to be specific, because I thought it would help so much with my physical acting ability, not to mention being essential for Musical roles. Kath agreed. So early in January we went to our drama instructor, Mr. Nelson, and asked if creative dance would be offered this semester or next year. "I'm afraid not," he answered, "the school district will only allow for certain disciplines in the fine arts budget. Dance is like voice training - if you want it you have to do it on your own. But if you're considering a performing career, you should do it if at all possible." He scribbled a name on his notepad and handed me the paper. "This is a studio I'd highly recommend - give them a call soon if you're serious - I think classes start up again this month." Kath and I looked at each other. As if we had any extra time to take dance, on top of everything else! "Thanks, Mr. Nelson, we'll check it out," I said. After class we discussed the idea. Kath said, "I'd love to do it. How about you?" "I'd really like to. What the hell, let's call them and see what they're offering. Their classes might be full by now anyway, but no harm in asking." When we got home we went to my house and phoned the studio. Kath did the talking, and she jotted down notes as she listened. I heard her say, "What about boys?" and wrote some more. Then she said "Thank you, bye!" and hung up. "Okay," Kath said, reading from her notes, "here's the scoop. What they have is a modern dance class for ages 16 to adult on Tuesday evenings at seven, ninety minutes long, and they still have space open. But ... it's a women-only class, honey bunch. They do have another class that's co-ed, but it's full. So what do you want to do? I'm still game if you are." "Figures," I said with a cynical laugh. "Every time I want to do something useful or fun, I have to decide which sex I am. I guess I should be thankful I have the choice. It sounds a bit scary, though. Do you think I could get away with it?" "Trust me, you won't have any trouble fitting into a girls' class. Just don't ever forget to wear your thongy thing. All we've gotta figure out is if we can afford the time." "AND the money - how much is it?" "Not too bad - classes go for sixteen weeks, starting next week, and they only charge two hundred and fifty bucks. Oh, and there's a recital at the end." "I'll ask Mom if she'll contribute. What about you - do you think your parents will help?" "Hah! - all I need to tell them is that I could be hanging out at the mall, or doing drugs on the street. They'll pay for anything if they think it'll keep me out of trouble." "You ARE a schemer. Have you been hanging around Julia too long?" "I dunno - you hang out with her a lot more than I do, and you're still the little princess you've always been! You're so sweet you're probably not tough enough for this kind of dance." I laughed so hard I almost cried. "You're so funny! Sweet little princess, my ass! I'll show you who's the tough one. You'll be crying in agony before we get halfway through the first class." "Sounds like a challenge to me. You're on - let's call them back and sign up." "Aren't you forgetting something? Who's going to drive us?" "You're forgetting something - I got my license last fall. I just need to talk Dad into letting me borrow one of the cars." I had forgotten that. So we called again and registered verbally, then the studio faxed us forms to fill in and fax back, as well as a list of clothing items we had to have. The list included a blue body suit, black dance skirt and leotards, and ballet slippers. There was also a list of studio policies, like how long to arrive before class for warm- up, and how our hair had to be worn: in a bun, French braid or pony tail; long bangs clipped back off face - that last one was for me, and Kath's hair could do the pony tail. 'But I might grow it enough for a French braid by recital time!' I thought. When she got home, I told Mom what Kath and I were up to. She immediately liked the idea, and offered to pay for the classes if I paid for my dance clothes. Then I told her I'd have to be a girl. "Oh, Sandy, are you sure you want to do that? You seem to be in a lot of activities where you have to convince people you're a girl. Isn't that being dishonest?" "I do feel a little bit like that, Mom," I replied. "But if no one knows and no one's hurt in any way, why should it matter?" "I'll give you one example, Sandy. This dance class - what if all the girls are undressing to change? If their parents knew there was a boy in the change room, they'd be very upset." "You're right Mom. But I can solve that by not using the change room - I can get my dance clothes on here at home and pull on a sweatshirt and sweatpants over them to drive there." "Well, if you're sure that will work, I don't see a big problem. So, you need to buy your dance clothes soon - are you going with Kathleen or do you want me to come with you?" I sensed that Mom wanted to be involved, so I told her she'd be welcome to come along on our shopping trip. The three of us decided to go to a dancewear store at the mall that very evening. I put on a little mascara and one of my girl's tops, leaving my boy jeans on, and wore my girl's winter coat. The only thing we had to try on was shoes, since the lady running the store was able to take one look at Kath and me to know what size our clothes had to be. A hundred and eighty bucks later (each), we left the store. "You sure this was such a bright idea, Kath? We'll have to work three or four catering jobs to make that back," I said as we headed out to the car. ***** The following Tuesday Kath came over to have dinner with us. We only had a chicken salad so we wouldn't be too stuffed for our first lesson. Then we both went upstairs to put our dance clothes on. I had already tried mine out before, and had decided that my thin sports bra was needed for extra authenticity. Kath changed in the main bathroom while I got dressed and brushed out my hair, adding just a little eye makeup. Then I grabbed some hair clips and took them downstairs to have Mom put them in for me. I could tell she loved that aspect of a mother-daughter relationship. We arrived at the dance studio fifteen minutes early so Mom could pay and Kath could hand in her check. Then we were shown into one of the rehearsal spaces. One wall was completely mirrored, and a wall next to it had two rows of bench seating for spectators. Being the first night for the class, parents, boyfriends, and spouses were welcome to watch - if they kept quiet. I realized right away that none of the other eight or ten girls was wearing a dance skirt, so I reluctantly pulled mine off and handed it to Mom, who had decided to stay and watch. Did I ever feel exposed wearing only a bodysuit and tights! The instructor was a blonde-haired young woman of about twenty-five, and after introductions, she started us off with stretches and warm-up exercises as we faced the mirror. I have to admit, I liked my reflection. I had no idea my body had become so curvy! There were other, skinnier girls who didn't look even as curvy as I was, so that made me feel a little less out of place. And I got to compare other features like my neck, which wasn't as long as some but not the shortest either. I was SO glad I didn't have an Adam's apple. Being able to pass as a girl in a challenging situation like this was a huge blessing, I decided. Now I just had to move as gracefully as I could - like a girl! Kath and I both felt a little awkward and clunky at first, not having moved our bodies like this before. But soon we got the 'hang' of it and both of us really enjoyed learning modern dance moves. Our first class was over before we knew it. The instructor wrapped things up by asking everyone to practice one of the routines several times before the next class. Mom had stayed to watch the whole thing, so we were able to leave immediately, and we all talked about the class while driving home. "Wow, do I feel sore all over!" Kath said. There must be a hundred muscles I've never used before. "Me too," I agreed. "We're supposed to keep doing those stretching exercises to be more flexible. This could get painful!" "It could be worse," Mom laughed. "If you were taking ballet you'd be learning to stand on your toes, and can you imagine how that would hurt?" "Don't laugh too soon, Mom. We might have to take some ballet lessons in this class." ***** Mr. Nelson's drama program for eleventh and twelfth grades included two big theater productions, a drama put on in early December, and a musical in mid-May. The good parts usually went to seniors, and we juniors would normally be given supporting roles in the drama, or ensemble/chorus roles for the musical. Auditions were held in January for the spring show, and naturally Kath and I did our best to get decent roles since we'd been passed over for the drama, which only needed eight student actors. We ended up working as stage crew for that show, which was interesting and fun, but not our passion. The upcoming spring production was going to be 'Fiddler on the Roof'. There would be five performances plus two dress rehearsals and one preview matinee show just for students. Prospective actors were expected to fill in a form stating their level of experience and which roles they wanted to audition for. Then Mr. Nelson would inform them what date and time they needed to be in the theater for their turn. The first set of auditions were for the female parts. Kath was trying out for Yente, the matchmaker lady, and Tzeitel, the eldest daughter. Julia and I sat in the audience to support her. Mr. Nelson, who would be directing, and Ms. Griffith, an English teacher who would be helping with choreography and doing stage management, were seated at the designer's table mid-house. We watched and listened as, in turn, several girls came on stage, spoke some lines from the script, and sang parts of one or two songs with piano accompaniment. Kath was also given two songs to sing, and some lines to speak, then was dismissed. We caught up to her in the corridor. "You did great!" I told her, and Julia agreed. "I think your Yente was the best one yet." Kath didn't look that pleased. "I coulda done better," she said. "Brittany Moore's trying out for Yente, so I don't stand much of a chance." Kath might have a point, I thought. Brittany was a larger girl and definitely had an older look, not just because she was a senior. "You're sure to get a decent role, Kath," said Julia. "Don't forget, you can sing AND dance. I thought you were way better than some of the other girls." "Thanks, Julia. Well, I'm going back in to watch the rest of the auditions," said Kath. "Want to join me?" But Julia and I both thought we should go home to get some assignments done, so we said our goodbyes. The next afternoon it was my turn. I was auditioning for Motel the tailor, since I knew that the other leading male roles were a little 'too male' for my voice, which still sounded like a girl's. When my turn came, I went on stage and spoke my lines, then sang one song, 'Miracle of Miracles'. But even before I finished I felt that I'd already lost the part - I just couldn't make myself sound male enough, even for the mousy Motel role, without my voice breaking. For the first time I wished I didn't sound so much like a girl! I was thanked, and I turned sadly to leave, but then Mr. Nelson told me to wait a moment. As he came up to the stage with some sheet music, he asked if I knew 'Far from the Home I Love,' a song that the second daughter Hodel sings. "I think so," I replied, having heard that song sung at least twice the day before. So I found myself singing one of the female songs. It was right in the middle of my range, so it felt totally natural to me. But I felt awkward just the same, with the other students watching! My little audience clapped a bit when I finished, and Ms. Griffith smiled at me. "Sandy, that was by far the best performance of that song we've heard. Are you sure you're not really a girl? If you were," she said, looking at the drama instructor, "that part would be all yours!" Mr. Nelson nodded in agreement. "He can dance, too," he added. "Well, maybe I could get a quick sex-change ... as long as I could have the part," I replied with mock sincerity. Mr. Nelson smiled at my suggestion. "Sandy, I'd almost be willing to give you the part just as you are. I think you'd do very well. It would be a great acting challenge for you, too. But, would you be willing to do it?" Hah! Little did he know, it wouldn't be much of a challenge for me at all! "Whatever role you want me to play, I'll be happy to take it and do my best," I said with real sincerity. "Even a girl's part." Two days later, the casting sheets were posted outside Mr. Nelson's office. Everyone crowded around to see who got what. I scanned down for my name, and saw that I was given a male ensemble role, but I was also understudy for the role of Hodel. That was a little disappointing, because it meant I'd only get to play Hodel if the senior girl who had the role, Kirstie Ohlheiser, couldn't go on. And my ensemble position was about the same as being a backup singer, only with less singing. But Kath was given the Tzeitel part. What a great coup for her! Brittany Moore had Yente, as we'd expected. I looked over the rest of the cast and realized that I didn't recognize two or three of their names, including the guy who got the role of Perchik, the young rebel who wins Hodel's heart. 'Well, I guess I'll be getting to know HIM during rehearsals,' I thought. 'I wonder how he'll react to having a boy understudying his fianc?e.' ***** Mom and I were back at Dr. Cooper's office early in February. We were shown to the now-familiar examination room, and I immediately sat on the table to wait. A minute later Dr. Cooper entered, and behind her was Dr. Westerman. When greetings were finished everyone found a seat and Dr. Cooper began, "Well, Sandy, I have your test results here and they indicate that you're still not producing much if any testosterone. If this condition persists, I don't have much hope that you'll be a normal boy or man in the future." No surprises there, I thought. "Like I said before, I don't mind, doctor. I like the way I am and I prefer to stay this way." Dr. Westerman spoke up next. "Sandy, there's no question that you have female physical characteristics, but I'd like to find out if your psychological profile aligns with those. Do you mind talking a bit more about your thoughts and feelings?" "No, I don't mind," I answered. "Okay then, why don't we start with girls. Last time you told me you had a girlfriend that you were attracted to. Is that still the case?" "Kind of," I replied. "I don't see her much these days, except at school. And we work together part-time, doing catering. But she really doesn't like me dressing like a girl." "Don't you have to dress like a girl for that job?" asked Dr. Cooper. "Yeah, and she's even the one who got me started wearing skirts for work. But she told me it turns her off now." "How do other girls or women react to you wearing girls' clothes?" asked Dr. Westerman. I laughed a bit. "It's funny, 'cause almost everyone else doesn't seem to mind. Like, my brother's girlfriend even takes me out clothes shopping and calls me her little sister. When I asked her why she isn't bothered by it, she says I look so much like a girl, that's what she thinks I am." "Did any other women make comments like that?" "Well, there's my hairdresser ..." "You have a hairdresser?" Dr. Cooper asked, sounding surprised. "She's also my esthetician," I added, hoping that word made even more of a point. "She's done my Mom for a long time, and now she does me too. She's done my nails, waxing ... oh, and my hair too. She tells me I look pretty and she seems to really like working on me." The two doctors exchanged glances. Dr. Westerman then continued, "Okay ... how about boys? How do they react to seeing you dressed like a girl?" I thought for a moment. "You know, I think my brother's the only one who knows I do it. He was kind of weirded out at first, but now I think he's okay with it." Mom spoke up, "Philip still doesn't understand, but his girlfriend and I have done our best to help him accept Sandy for who he is." Dr. Westerman nodded. "So would you say that, when you're out dressed like a girl, that no one suspects you're a boy?" "I don't think so," I answered truthfully. "I'm kind of obsessive about looking just right, and I still sound like a girl, so I think everyone just accepts that I'm a girl. I'd die if anyone found out I wasn't." "You say you're obsessive? That's an interesting choice of words." "Oh, he's obsessive all right," said Mom. "He's always been so neat and tidy, and he always looks well put together. I wondered if dressing as a girl was just a natural extension of that." "Mrs. Johnson, once again you've shown how much insight you have. I also noticed how neat and clean Sandy is, and I wondered if that played some part in the way he behaves now." "Could be," I mused out loud. I do pay a lot of attention to the details, like nails, makeup, jewelry, you know. And I don't like to get grubby, so being a girl's kind of perfect for me." "Very interesting," Dr. Westerman said thoughtfully. "Well, I must be on my way to another appointment. Thank you again, Sandy, Mrs. Johnson, for being so candid. I'd like to write this up as a case study, with your permission of course. But first I think we need to see how things play out for Sandy over the next few months. Perhaps we could get together again this summer." "Sure," I agreed. "Any time." We all said our goodbyes, and I felt very relieved to have escaped without any big secrets getting revealed. ***** At sixteen-and-a-half, Julia was becoming quite beautiful. Her 'baby fat' was almost gone, and she'd grown to be almost my height of five- foot-seven, only with longer legs and a smaller waist. Her hair was longer than ever, too, and she was dressing better and doing her makeup like a pro. In school and at catering, she seemed to be turning a lot of other guys' heads. Even Justin Bradford, who was still bugging me from time to time, was smitten with Julia to the point that if he said anything to her, it was more of a back-handed compliment than an insult. I began to get worried that Julia would fall for another guy, but short of turning into a he-man overnight, I had no clue what to do about it other than continue to be as nice to her as possible and try to spend time with her whenever I could. I certainly didn't want to cut back on the activities I did with Kath, like running, dancing and 'Fiddler on the Roof' rehearsals. But if Julia was jealous about those things, she didn't show it - she had become so cool towards me that I had to finally admit to myself that our relationship was on the wane. If I hadn't been so busy, I think I would have become quite depressed. Speaking of 'Fiddler,' I got to meet my Perchik 'beau,' Mark McCowan, at the third rehearsal. I was shadowing Kirstie Ohlheiser, the girl who got the Hodel part, in the 'Now I Have Everything' number and ran right into him. We both apologized to the other, even though it was clearly me who wasn't looking where I was going. Kirstie looked quite miffed! Mark and I chatted and laughed about the collision during a break. "You can run into me any time!" he said good-naturedly. I liked Mark instantly, although I had no idea if he knew I wasn't a girl. But he kind of made me feel like one! I watched Mark rehearse with Kirstie in another number, and decided he was not only likeable - he was also good looking. I guessed he was about six feet tall, though he was lanky and not very well built, and he had short-ish well-styled light brown hair. I'd noticed his deep blue eyes earlier. He was dressed kind of preppy, same as I normally was. While watching him I felt something strange and unfamiliar inside me. It was the first time in my life I'd felt an attraction to another guy! Rehearsals were going to be very interesting, I thought. ***** Life went on as normally as it possibly could, considering my crazy life, for the next couple of months. I got to squeeze in a brief shopping trip with Natalie, where we both picked out new spring clothes and accessories, and I got to try out a new makeup look at her friend Keri's counter in Dillard's. Keri asked me if I had a favorite fragrance, and when I answered not really, she and Natalie went right to work picking one. I told them I didn't want anything that smelled phoney like the women I often encountered in elevators, and they agreed it needed to be natural and above all, discreet, as opposed to overpowering. It took at least twenty minutes of experimentation, but eventually they picked one we all liked a lot. I really loved how it smelled on my skin. I ended up buying the less concentrated (and less expensive) 'eau de parfum' version, and promised myself I'd only use it for 'special' occasions. My hair was beginning to get longer again, and it looked great thanks to regular maintenance by Karen at Turning Heads. That woman - what a great friend she was becoming, even though she was more than twice my age. Here was just one more supportive female. I couldn't get over how so many girls and women in my life were so ready to accept my feminine alter-ego - even encourage it! I had read that women don't usually like cross-dressers or transsexuals, but that wasn't my experience (with the exception of Julia!). Or was the problem only with boyfriends and husbands? I also wondered if my voice and feminine features were making it easier for women to accept me as one of them, as Natalie had suggested. I'd been on birth control pills again for five months now. At first I was careful to make each packet last a month, so Kath could get them renewed on the normal schedule, but since January I'd thrown caution to the winds and gone back to one every day. I'll admit I felt a little guilty about disobeying doctors' orders, but by now being on the Pill was like an addiction for me - kind of like always looking my best. I totally loved my soft, smooth skin and all the other female attributes I was developing, like my breasts and hips. There WAS a little problem, though. Boys' pants didn't fit me properly any more. They were too tight in the hips and too loose around the waist. My solution was to give up wearing men's pants and shorts, and just buy the most male-looking girls' pants I could find. I also started wearing my shirts un-tucked to hide my narrow waist. But that was a small problem compared to the advantages. It was SO nice to be able to transform myself into a pretty girl anytime I wanted to, just by putting on a little makeup, fixing my hair differently, or even better, by donning a skirt or dress. And with everything just right I could look downright beautiful! Sometimes, after a shower or before bedtime, I'd look at my nude body in my long mirror and marvel at what taking the Pill had done for me. My shoulders were still as narrow as ever, and my arms were still slender, but I had grown noticeably in my hips, thighs and butt. And my waist was higher and narrower. The tape measure confirmed it: bust 34 inches, waist 26 inches, hips 35 inches. I could wear a misses' size six dress and look like a real woman in it. Sometimes I wished for bigger breasts to fill my clothes better, but I knew that would cause me huge problems at school, especially with my girlfriend Julia. Did I say my 'girlfriend' Julia? That was an accidental slip! We'd always eaten lunch together at school, but lately she was skipping lunch most days. Kath told me she'd seen Julia hanging out in the hall a few times with a group of guys. 'Is she seeing someone else?' I wondered. I wouldn't blame her if she was. We were catering a wedding reception when I finally confronted Julia about our deteriorating relationship. She seemed a bit put off when I raised the subject. "Oh, so you finally figured out there's a problem," she said as we set tables together. "It's not like I didn't give you a ton of major hints for the past year or two." "I got the hints, Julia. I know how you feel about Alexandra. I was still hoping you could love me for who I really was." "I do love you, Alexander," she said, pointedly using my full male name. "But I've had to admit to myself that you're never going to be different than who you are. Look at you ..." Julia motioned at me, head to toe. "Whenever I get to spend time with you, you look like a typical teenage girl, not my boyfriend. You've got eye shadow, mascara and lipstick on. You did your nails. You're wearing a bra and a skirt. And I know you've got real boobs too, even though you do your best to hide them from me. How am I supposed to feel? I want to be the girl, and I want a real boyfriend." At that moment I felt very depressed. "I know, I know ... I guess I just thought, like, since we had such great chemistry or whatever ... that maybe we could work it out somehow. I'm still so attracted to you." Julia looked at me with a thin smile. "Thanks, but I need a lot more than that, Sandy." At that moment, Mrs. Taylor came over to give us some instructions. "Are you two doing okay?" she asked, noticing our expressions. "Oh, yeah, Mom," Julia replied. "We were just having a chat about stuff - no big deal." "Well, I hate to interrupt, but Kristen needs help with the punch bowl, and Dad has some more decorations that need unloading." "I'll help Kristen, Mrs. Taylor," I offered, and I walked away, relieved to be out of that difficult conversation. 'Did Julia just break up with me? Is there someone else?' I wondered. ***** Kath and I had a super time with our modern dance classes, which helped keep my mind off Julia. Both of us took naturally to this kind of dancing, and after some muscle soreness following our first few classes, we got a lot more limber. I have to admit, I really enjoyed wearing the snug-fitting leotard and tights, as they made me feel very female, especially whenever I caught a glimpse of my curviness in the wall mirrors. By the end of March we were spending about half our class time rehearsing for the big dance recital in May. We'd also been given a sheet of instructions and a pattern for making the costume each of the dancers was expected to have made. It was a very feminine-looking dance outfit with a backless, sleeveless silver sequined top, and a long deep-blue chiffon skirt that would be worn with nude tights and skin-toned ballet flats. Kath and I decided that we'd help each other make our costumes at my house. Kath had also started taking voice lessons from Mrs. White that year. She said she wanted to do a respectable job on her role as Tzeitel in 'Fiddler', but I suspected that she was a little jealous of her friend Sandy's singing ability and wanted to play catch-up, too. Speaking of singing, Mrs. White's annual voice recital was coming up fast. This year we would be performing songs from the movies. She had talked to me again about what I felt capable of singing, and naturally I let on that since performing as Eliza Doolittle the previous year had gone so well, I was okay with trying another female song. Mrs. White seemed enthusiastic, if a little uneasy. "Sandy, I'm beginning to think your voice won't ever change. You still sound more like a girl than a boy. But I must say, your voice is maturing very nicely. You should be able to tackle songs that require you to project more volume. And you can still hit a high 'C' when you've warmed up enough. I think you can try something a bit more challenging this year." I liked that idea, so once again I huddled with Kath at her place to come up with possibilities. "Why don't you go all out and do a Rodgers and Hammerstein song - something from Sound of Music or Oklahoma?" she suggested. "That's what I'm thinking of doing." "We're supposed to do movie songs - weren't those stage musicals first?" "Hmm, well let's pull out my videos again - maybe we'll get inspired like we did last year." Almost an hour later, with nothing looking promising, we took a breather. "Does it have to be a grown-up movie?" Kath wondered. "I should have thought of this before - let's take a look at my Disney tapes." A great idea, I thought, and in all of thirty seconds I had something - 'Pocahontas' - there were lots of decent songs from that cartoon movie. "What about 'Colors of the Wind'?" I asked Kath. "I think I could do that one." Kath giggled, "Oh, so now you think you can be an Indian princess, do you? This I'd have to see! Where are you going to get your buckskin dress?" "That should be the easy part - there's a lot of costume shops in town. The hard part is talking Mrs. White into letting me do it. It's a bit of a belter song, don't you think? But I'm pretty sure it's in my range." "Why don't you give it a shot? We've got it on a karaoke disc." Kath dug out the disc and loaded it into her machine while I turned on the TV and warmed up my voice. When I got halfway through, I knew the song was definitely in the mid-to-high-end of my range, but I wondered if my voice had the power to do it justice. My answer came in the form of Mrs. Thomas, who came running downstairs to see who sounded so much like Vanessa Williams. She sat on a sofa to listen to me finish. "Sandy, that was amazing," she said when the music died off. "You can really belt it out, can't you?" "I dunno, Mrs. Thomas, do you really think so?" "Do I think so? I KNOW so! Are you thinking of singing that at your recital?" "Mom, you must be clairvoyant," smiled Kath. "That's just what we were discussing. It's perfect, Sandy. All we have to do now is find your Indian princess outfit." "Oh, Kathleen, Sandy doesn't have to wear that - but I suppose he should wear something native-looking." "Mom, get real. He has to wear the right outfit, that's what Pocahontas wears in the movie. Isn't that right, Sandy?" I saw her wink at me. "Uhh, I suppose you're right. Do you think I'd look silly, Mrs. Thomas?" What a leading question! "Oh, Sandy," she responded a little nervously, "I'm not sure what to say ... but you do have the right look, you know. Your skin and hair are the right color. You'd probably have to wear a wig - your hair isn't long enough. But no, I don't think you'd look silly, dear." "Then it's settled," said Kath with authority. "We'll find you a buckskin dress and some moccasins, and you'll be all set!" I shared my song idea with Mrs. White at my next voice lesson. She seemed a bit unconvinced until I sang a verse and explained that I'd be willing to wear the buckskin costume. "Sandy, are you sure you want to do this? I have no doubt in my mind that you can sing the song ... and you would definitely look the part. But you're a boy, and most boys wouldn't be caught dead in a female costume. This would be the second time for you." "Mrs. White, I am a boy but I'm also a performer. If wearing a dress is all takes to allow me to perform a song like this, I'll do it. There's no law against it, and if you don't mind then what's the big deal?" She thought for a moment and nodded, "No, I don't mind. I didn't get any negative comments from anyone at last year's recital either. So you have my blessing to go ahead with this. Let's get started and we'll see where it needs more work." I was very happy. This was going to be a great opportunity for me to showcase what I was capable of. And once again I'd get to be someone I wasn't - a female character! Later at home, I thought of Julia. Would she and her Mom come to watch me this year? ***** Speaking of home, you're probably wondering how things were going for me there. Well, what can I say - in spite of my crazy life, it couldn't be better. I was earning decent money working for Mom and the Taylors, enough to sock away about a hundred bucks a month after spending on clothes and other stuff. Mom had helped me set up a retirement account so I could earn interest on my savings. She told me there would be a tax advantage when I started full time work. We hardly saw Phil much, but when he was around his fianc?e Natalie was too, which made those times extra special. Our cooking and housecleaning workload was certainly down without Mr. Messy around too much, but I still helped Mom as much as I could, and those were the times I liked to relax and let myself be a bit more girly. If we worked together we'd often talk up a storm about anyone and anything. Those days are so memorable for me! ***** March just wouldn't be the same without the annual church ladies' retreat to cater! There were at least three things I looked forward to at these events: first, I made lots of extra money, especially with the bonus paid generously by Mrs. Taylor. Second, I really enjoyed interacting with my special group of middle-aged ladies, who always treated me like gold and had the nicest things to say to me. But third and most important, there was always a powerful message I heard in the speeches that I knew would make a big difference to my life. The first year I'd heard about how to have a husband (or boyfriend, I would add) eat out of your hand by simply being the best, most supportive wife (or girlfriend) you could be, and how important it was to be there for him sexually whenever he needed you. This message had touched me deeply, because it spoke to my servant nature, not to mention my appearance obsession! Except that I was the guy who would supposedly be on the receiving end! 'Minor detail,' I decided. It was valuable information anyway, and I'd already experienced the sexual part with Julia so I knew it was right on the mark. The second year, Mom and I both heard all about strengthening relationships between women, and that led directly to our magical mother-daughter vacation at Disneyland. So I was eagerly anticipating this third retreat, and wouldn't have missed it for anything. Mom couldn't spare the time this year, although the other girls were all there. The drill was pretty familiar, and of course I insisted on working the section that included my lady friends, who as usual were constantly gushing over me. This year's big speech was great, as I'd hoped. But, as with the first year's topic, I'm sure there were many women who squirmed a bit at what they were being told. The speaker was very good and she peppered her talk with tons of jokes and funny anecdotes, but the message was serious - she basically said that men and women's relationships with each other and their kids were being harmed by all the negative influences all around, mostly from the media. She also criticized men for buying into those influences - refusing to accept responsibility, being lazy, being unfaithful, having a lack of ambition ... but she criticized women even more for letting them get away with it! One good point the speaker made was that women had a lot more power and control than they think they do, and that they could encourage men to operate at a much higher standard simply by refusing to date or marry the slouches (that made me think of how Natalie had 'tamed' my brother!). If they already were married, they still had the power, but it could be used more like the proverbial 'carrot and stick'. I could imagine what the 'carrot' was! There was a question and answer period, and one woman got up and said she believed that women shouldn't have to be responsible for 'civilizing' men, but the speaker thoughtfully replied that throughout history men had to compete for the attention of women, much like in the animal world where it's the female who picks the best of the bunch as her mate and ignores the rest. She also reminded the lady that men and women are 'wired' very differently, so it was to be expected that "we females can never really understand what motivates males, and vice versa." I found it all quite fascinating. Especially that last part, because it made me wonder ... if I ever decided to become a girl permanently, would I be able to understand BOTH sexes? That would be such a bonus! I already felt like I had a foot in each camp, so to speak, and even though it made my life pretty complicated sometimes, I knew it was a huge privilege for me and I certainly didn't want it to end. To be continued ....