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My Wonderful Obsession Part 13: Rehearsals By May 1998 my life had become so busy and complicated, I could barely wait for summer break - and freedom! But besides the usual year-end grind of studying and exams, there were two more big school events to look forward to - or maybe to fear even more than the academic stuff - our combined junior/senior prom, and of course the stage production of 'Fiddler on the Roof'. I still had no clue what I was going to wear to the prom. It would be on the Saturday following the close of the play, and that probably meant having to get my nice long hair extensions taken off so I'd look reasonably boyish again, or maybe even trying to get away with showing up as a girl - in my dreams! There was no way I wanted to look like an in-between, and no way was I going to miss an important event like that, either. But I really wanted my nice new hair to survive until summer, because I had big plans for it! Back at school on the Monday following the voice recital and my wonderful evening out, I had worn it tied low in a ponytail, and tucked it down the back of my shirt. It was my best shot at looking as normal as possible, but I still attracted snide comments from the likes of Justin Bradford and his creepy cronies. I did my best to ignore them, and whenever my drama friends were around they always came to my defence, telling people that my long hair was part of my costume for the play (from the girls), or simply to bugger off (from the boys). I did manage to see Julia for a few minutes - yes, she had been at the recital, but just for the second half, and she told me I sang very well. I didn't ask who she'd come with, and she didn't offer to tell. But there was no doubt in my mind that she was seeing another guy, I just didn't know who. I still felt completely awful whenever I thought of how our relationship had come to an end. One morning later that week when I met up with Kath for our regular walk to school, I noticed she had dark hair! "You did it!" I exclaimed when she emerged from her house. "I thought you were just kidding about dyeing your hair." "Can't let you have all the glory," she laughed. "Mom helped me do it last night. But now it's your turn - are you going to get yours permed or what? It's too straight." "Oh, I dunno - I got enough grief already. But it would be kinda fun ..." "Yeah, the three of us would look like nice Jewish sisters. I think you need to go for it, Sandy." "What if Kirstie's team doesn't make the finals? I'd be doing it for nothing." "You haven't heard? They're in - and so are you! So quit stalling and get your hair done. And get those ears pierced while you're at it!" I thought carefully about that for several minutes. Both ideas were scary, but, after all, 'coming out' to my friends as a girl with long hair hadn't exactly gone badly. And neither would it be forever. It would be such fun to have lower-maintenance hair for summer - I'd already found out how much extra effort went into looking after my straight tresses. And I felt ready to take the big step of having my ears done - especially after the incident with Chelsea! "Okay, I'll go for it, Kath. But it's your fault if I get into trouble." "Sure, whatever ... just get 'em done." So I phoned Turning Heads at lunchtime and booked an appointment for the following Monday afternoon, two days before opening night. There would be a dress rehearsal that evening and one more the day after. ***** Rehearsals were finally going well enough that Mr. Nelson was no longer using words like 'disaster' and 'abomination'. Everyone was finally off- book the week before opening night, and blocking and choreography were being fine-tuned. But a surprise was in store - an extra rehearsal was called for the Saturday morning. Mr. Nelson made a brief announcement before we got started. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, our girls' softball team has advanced to the county finals. That means Kirstie won't be available for at least the first dress rehearsal, the preview and the first two shows ... so Sandy will have to step up to the plate, so to speak - no pun intended. If they win the Thursday night game, she'll miss the Friday show too." "What's the bad news?" Jordan called out. There was nervous laughter - Kirstie was present! But I understood the sentiment - she could be a real diva sometimes. "Mr. Harris, thank you for your lame attempt at humour. But as everyone knows, Kirstie has worked very hard here and she will be sorely missed. Just the same, we all need to wish her and her team well at the finals. Thankfully she'll be able to finish the show with us. Now, today we're going to go through all the scenes with Hodel, but with Sandy playing the part. Kirstie, I want you to stand in the wings and observe. I'd appreciate it if you could help Sandy whenever you see something needing improvement. 'Oh, wonderful,' I thought. With that, we launched into the scenes I'd be performing in. To say I was thrilled would be a huge understatement, although I knew that the two final Saturday performances would have the biggest audiences, and it would be Kirstie they'd remember, not me. She interrupted the rehearsal a few times that day, and I felt that she was being overly picky with how I was interpreting Hodel, but I tried to accept her criticisms gracefully, knowing she wouldn't be watching my shows anyway. I guessed that she was hugely disappointed not to be doing all the performances - that's how I'd feel. She was probably taking out her frustrations on me, and the fact that her stand-in was a guy couldn't have helped. During a second run-through of the 'Matchmaker' number, she stopped us twice to 'correct' the way I was dancing. That got Kath's dander up, and she finally tore into Kirstie. "What are you talking about? At least Sandy can dance! Give him a break!" "Back off, Kathleen - it's MY part and I know it better than you!" Kirstie shot back. "Now, ladies, calm down," said Mr. Nelson. "Kirstie's just trying to do what I asked her to do." But Kath's defence of me seemed to be just what was needed to keep Kirstie from being overly critical for the remainder of the rehearsal. The Monday dress rehearsal had a five o'clock call for getting into costume and makeup. I took the afternoon off school to go to my appointment with Karen, riding the city bus to get there. In preparation I had worn a pair of unisex-looking jeans to school and packed along my gaff, a bra and one of the long summer tops bought in California the previous year. That way I'd be able to leave the school as a boy and return as a girl. Karen greeted me at the front counter and after I removed my shirt, she got started on my hair right away, putting in rollers all over. She had me tell her all about the recital, and how people reacted to my long hair. I told her everything, including what happened later at the restaurant. She was very amused and seemed gratified that I'd done so well as a girl. When Karen finished applying the smelly perm solution, she put a plastic cover over everything for about half an hour, during which time I got to look through some of the only reading material in the shop, namely women's magazines. Before long she was removing the rollers and rinsing out the goo, then carefully drying and combing out my hair. As usual, I didn't get to see how things were progressing. "So, you're finally taking the plunge and getting your ears done!" Karen said, obviously excited. "Does your Mom know?" "Well, not exactly ... but I did tell her about the waitress who figured out I was really a boy 'cause I didn't have pierced ears." Karen laughed, "She must have been one smart cookie. It would've taken a lot more than that to clue me in." "Oh, she was smart all right, and there was more to it than just that, for sure. But after today, it's one less clue, right?" "Right, so here you go, gorgeous - have a look!" She spun the chair to face the mirror, and once again I nearly croaked - my hair was still below my shoulders, but it was a mass of curly waves, right to my scalp! I loved its sheen and the way it framed my face, and on a whim I shook my head back and forth so my hair would move the way it does for models in shampoo commercials. Cool! "Karen, it's amazing!" I gushed. "You've done it again!" "That's my job, sweetheart - now let's get going on your ears." Karen applied a little topical freezing to both my earlobes, then used her electric piercing tool to poke a tiny hole in each one. I only felt a brief stab of pain. "Sure I can't talk you into extra holes? It's all the rage you know." I laughed, "No thanks, this is already out of my comfort zone. Maybe some other time." She was probably kidding me, anyway, I thought - the nicest earrings were meant for just one hole! "Ok, honey, I'm going to put a little Polysporin on your piercings, then I'm going to put in surgical steel studs. You need to keep them in as much as possible, or the holes will try to heal up again." I noticed that the studs caught the light and reflected it a bit - another feminine step forward for me! Soon I was in the restroom putting on my girl necessities, and when I emerged I went to the front counter to pay. Some of the other ladies who worked at the shop came over to check me out. I wasn't sure who knew about me and who didn't, but soon Karen appeared and I paid her, throwing in a nice tip and a sincere thank-you. "Go knock 'em dead, Sandy - I mean go break a leg," she said. "Neither of those options sounds very nice, Karen," I said with mock seriousness. "Maybe I should just go have fun ..." "Oh, I'm sure you'll have lots of fun with that do," she giggled. "Let me know how it all works out, okay?" "Deal," I replied, as I headed out the door and down the street to the bus stop. Soon I was seated comfortably, wondering what my reception would be like when I arrived back at the school. A group of young guys got on a few stops farther along and shortly afterwards I became aware that they were staring at me. It wasn't the first time guys had done that when I was in girl mode, but it always felt a little uncomfortable. I used to just wonder if they could see through my disguise, but now that I knew they couldn't, I realized that they were interested in me sexually. Either way, I was uncomfortable with the attention. That was certainly one downside to my obsession with my looks! At quarter to five I walked into the theater and the first person who saw me was Mr. Nelson, who was setting up at the designer's table. "Sandy, is that you? You look smashing! And your hair! First you got extensions, now this - I must say, you're giving this role your all, aren't you?" I was glad he saw it that way, even though I was beginning to think the play was only an excuse for me to explore more of my feminine side. "You know me, Mr. Nelson, I like to be authentic!" "Believe me, I've noticed, Sandy," he said. "There were people who thought I was out of my mind to give you Hodel, but you've certainly come through for me, and I appreciate that. I know you'll be fantastic - you're already believable as a girl, and you're a very strong singer too." "The play hasn't even started yet, Mr. Nelson," I laughed. "You should probably wait till it's over before handing out compliments. You wouldn't want to jinx it, would you?" He laughed out loud. "You seem to know a lot about theatrical superstitions, Sandy. But I think 'Good Luck' is the only seriously bad thing to say before a show opens." By now the rest of the cast was present, and the ones who hadn't seen me in girl mode before had surprised expressions on their faces. Mr. Nelson started giving instructions about dressing room etiquette, for instance what NOT to do with costumes and props, how to make the most efficient use of the limited space, etc. etc. Kath raised her hand to ask a question. "Mr. Nelson, should Sandy use the girls' dressing room? Just asking." Oh brother - I hadn't thought of that! The question stopped him in his tracks, and he appeared to be considering the ramifications. "Hmm ... I have to admit, this situation has never come up before. But I think we'd be in trouble with the school board and some of the parents if I let a boy change in the girls' room, so I'm afraid he'll have to use the boys' dressing room." Oh, crap, I thought - more awkwardness! "Sandy, please check with Mrs. Parsons." Mrs. Parsons was one of the parents, and she was in charge of all the costumes. She and I had to get Hodel's two outfits from the rack she had wheeled into the girls' dressing room, and take them to the boys' instead where I hung them on a rack that held only men's costumes. That looked strange! But things would only get stranger, as I was about to discover. First I had to waltz into the dressing room looking like I'd picked the wrong door. Then, as soon as I went to change into my first costume, an ankle-length peasant-style green skirt, a loose-fitting long-sleeve off-white blouse with an open neckline, and a long full slip to go underneath, I immediately realized that I couldn't strip to my underwear with all the guys around me, or some well-kept secrets would be revealed! So I would have to undress in a toilet stall, but there was no room to put the skirt on in there. And if I could get it on, how would I button it up in the back? In the girls' dressing room there would be lots of willing helpers, but I couldn't imagine getting a boy to do that. While I was stressing about my situation, Mark appeared and, as if reading my mind, asked if there was anything he could do to help me. I thought for a moment, then said "Yeah - but are you sure? It's a bit weird, you know." "Weird for you, maybe - I'm totally cool with it," he replied with a smile that made me feel more relaxed. I made a snap decision to trust him. "Okay, I need you to take my clothes and hand me my costume, a piece at a time. I'm going to undress in there," I said, pointing at the stall. "You can do it right here - nobody will mind." 'Here goes,' I thought, as I put my lips close to his ear, and whispered, "I'm wearing girl's underwear - like, a bra and stuff ... there's no way I'm showing that off to these guys!" Mark smiled and nodded his understanding, so I locked myself into the toilet stall and got busy. First went my top, then my jeans. "Mark, I need the long slip, please - hem first." It appeared overhead a moment later, and I put my arms straight up to let it fall around me, making sure it was the right way around and then wiggling my arms into the holes. When it was all perfectly in place, I said, "Now I need the white blouse." It came over the top, and as soon as I slipped my arms into the sleeves, I ran into trouble. The blouse was made as a costume piece, so the back only had Velcro fasteners, which I couldn't close properly. "Mark, can you do my blouse up?" I asked, hoping he was still nearby. "Sure thing," came his reply, so I opened the door and stood with my back facing out while he fastened the Velcro bits. I'm sure he could see my bra straps! At this point I was covered up enough to step out of the stall, so we both walked past all the other boys, over to the clothing rack to get the skirt. Mark took it off the hanger and held it open for me to step into, and I smoothed the blouse down and held the top of the skirt at waist height while he buttoned it up at the back. I knew the other guys were still staring! "Mark, thanks so much - you're a real lifesaver," I told him sincerely. He had just saved me a lot of time and trouble. "Would you maybe consider helping me for the show? Please say yes." My pleading was answered with a smile. "Shouldn't be any problem - I already checked my cues and they don't conflict at all. I'd be happy to help any way I can." What a relief it was to hear that - and no wonder I had a crush on him! I would have hugged him there and then if the other guys weren't around. Instead, I put my apron and stage shoes on and sat down in front of a mirror to work on my makeup. The last item was a headscarf which covered most of my head and was tied at the nape of my neck, leaving a foot of hair hanging down my back. I was ready ten minutes before the top of the show was called, so for a while I hung out chatting with the other boys. The four I'd spent time with the other night seemed completely fine with me, but the ones that hadn't yet seen me as a girl were definitely ill at ease. Paul DaSilva, who played Chava's love interest Fyedka, said "Sandy, you're totally weirding me out here - I can't tell you're really a guy." And Chad Williams, who was the Rabbi, told Mark he was glad he didn't have to kiss anyone, 'cause now he couldn't be sure who was really a girl and who wasn't! That comment stopped me in my tracks for a moment, and I remembered something Kath had mentioned before. The script called for Perchik and Hodel to kiss - so I expected that Mark would opt for my forehead or cheek instead, and that would be fine with me. The school orchestra could be heard warming up when I got my call to head for the stage right wings, from where I would go on stage as part of the "Tradition" number that starts a few minutes into the show. I was glad it was only a dress rehearsal, because my heart was already pounding with anticipation. But I knew there was an audience - mostly parents, teachers and students who had helped with the production - and I realized that this was my dream coming true: I was about to act, sing and dance in a live stage production! Well, technically a rehearsal, but it was exciting just the same. Then I heard Mr. Nelson give the order, and the overture music started. A minute later Ben, I mean Tevye, appeared onstage and began his monologue, which segued into 'Tradition,' and soon I found myself walking onstage myself with a group of girls, including my 'sisters' Tzeitel, Chava, and the two younger ones Shprintze and Bielke. When I felt the warmth of the stage lights I knew this was it! My acting instincts took over and I was instantly Hodel, second daughter of Tevye, the dairy man of Anatevka in Tsarist Russia of 1905. I can't begin to describe what a thrill it was to be there with the other performers, in front of a live audience. If you've never experienced it yourself, you can't know the intense feeling of joy that filled my entire being. Now, many years later, I know my brain was simply producing pleasure-inducing endorphins, but I also know that's how we get hooked on things like sex and drugs. For me it was the start of a lifelong addiction to performing, and sometimes I'm not sure which would have been worse. After 'Tradition' most of the actors left the stage and we waited in the green room (a teachers' lounge, normally) for our next cues. An assistant stage manager was positioned at the door with an intercom headset on, so she could pass along the stage manager's orders to us. My next cue was for the kitchen scene, which turns into the 'Matchmaker' number I sing and dance with my sisters Tzeitel (Kath) and Chava (Cindy). I was so glad that Kath and I now had hair to match Cindy's. This song was so cute and I loved it, even though most of it was sung as a duet or trio. But we were all strong singers and dancers and I knew we'd aced the number, without any 'help' from Kirstie! Kath did a spectacular job as my older, wiser sister, and I thought she had exactly the spark and energy the character needed. Cindy wasn't so bad either, but hey, I thought to myself, being Jewish she hardly needed to act - just sing and dance! And could she ever! My first scene alone with Perchik (Mark) was very exciting - because it ended with the two of us sharing a fun dance together. I could hardly wait for what would happen in the second act! The rest of Act One went sort of smoothly - Mr. Nelson and Ms. Griffith only had to halt it three or four times to correct blocking or to dump on someone who messed up a line. The final number we sang in Act One was another favorite of mine - 'Sunrise, Sunset' - and I got to dance with 'Perchik' once more. Then there was the music-only 'Bottle Dance', after which we took a twenty minute break for snacks, and went straight into the second act. Act Two opened with the scene I was waiting for - where Perchik expresses his love for me and proposes marriage, which I agree to - and leads into the very romantic love song 'Now I Have Everything,' that we sing to each other. I had already rehearsed this number several times with Mark, but acting like a poor but feisty seventeen-year-old girl in love with a handsome, dashing young man, and totally looking the part, was something entirely new and wonderful. And Mark's singing, while not great technically, was heartfelt and suitably romantic. As the song ended and we embraced, I could almost imagine that he really did love me, and I was anticipating his kiss ... but it never came. The director didn't say anything, and the scene ended with the two of us exiting the stage. I must admit, I felt a twinge of disappointment, but I told myself that I'd gotten too into my role as a young girl, and there was no was any self-respecting guy was going to plant a kiss on a boy in a dress, especially with other guys watching! Our next scene was the one where we inform my 'father' we're getting married, and he forbids it, but we tell him we're not asking his permission, only his blessing. I enjoyed holding Mark's hand in that scene, but I had no idea how he felt about it. Then we both hurried back to the dressing room so I could exchange my skirt for a dress. My 'assistant' unbuttoned the skirt and I collected it up as it fell to the floor, replacing it on its hanger while Mark got the tan-colored dress off the rack. This garment needed my helper to fasten about a dozen buttons at the back, and he even checked that it was straight all around, making an adjustment here and there. Next I put on a pair of lace-up brown leather boots, and a dark brown coat. If not for Mark I might have forgotten to take off the headscarf and put on my hat. Minutes later I was back on stage with my 'father' Tevye at the train station, talking with him about my imminent departure. Then came my only solo of the play, 'Far From the Home I Love,' the song that got me the part in the first place. It's a beautiful but bittersweet song about having to leave everything familiar and loved behind to follow a new love, to a new unknown place far away. I had practiced this song many times at home, often with Mom or Natalie listening, but only twice in rehearsal, so I was glad to get two real run-throughs with the orchestra before the show opened. I must have done an acceptable job on it, because I got some applause from the tiny audience when I finished. Soon the show's final number was upon us, and the whole cast (except me and Mark, who were supposedly 'gone') came on stage to sing 'Anatevka', followed by the scene where Tevye and what's left of his family say their last goodbyes to the village. Our two directors then worked with us on the curtain call, and how everyone would come back on stage to take their bows. Back in the dressing room following the 'performance,' the other guys and I talked excitedly about how well things had gone that evening. As I expected, Mark and I both took some ribbing, he for being so lovey-dovey with me, and me for looking way too realistic in certain places. But I also got some sincere compliments on my singing, although I could tell I made some of the guys uncomfortable with just how female I sounded. Not one of them still had any trace of his pre-puberty voice, so what was up with me? My first thought after removing my dress was to pee - I hadn't done it since before leaving Turning Heads. The gaff made that little function so inconvenient that I always seemed ready to burst by the time I could sit on a toilet! Then, still hiding in the stall, I had Mark take my blouse and slip back to the costume rack. I waited for my jeans and top to show up, but nothing happened, and the room fell silent! "Mark, are you there?" I called softly. No answer. "Hey guys, does anyone know where Mark went?" I called a little louder. Still no answer. I put my face up to the gap in the door, but couldn't see anyone. At that moment a sense of total dread washed over me. Where had everyone gone? There I was, a guy who looks like a girl, wearing only a bra and panties, stuck in a boys' change room. I was sure if I came out I'd immediately run into somebody and I'd wish I was dead! Then I started feeling angry and hurt - how could Mark do this to me, when I trusted him? After stewing for a few seconds, I got an idea - I stepped onto the toilet seat and peered over the top of the stall. And there, near the costume rack, all the guys were standing trying their best to keep quiet and suppress laughs! Ben was holding my jeans and top in one hand, and he said "Looking for these, Sandy honey?" I didn't know which emotion I felt was stronger, relief or annoyance. But I quickly guessed it was meant to be an innocent, fun prank, so on a whim I tried humoring them, hoping it would be taken the right way. "All youse guys," I said in my best imitation of a ditzy female with a Bronx accent, "you're so mean and nasty to me, and after all I done fo' youse, I could just lay right down and cry!" That seemed to work, if the roar of laughter that followed was any indication. Mark, who had tears in his eyes, grabbed my clothes from Ben and brought them straight over. "Sorry, Sandy, they put me up to it and I couldn't resist. I owe you one. But I really like the way you handled it - you're a good sport!" By now I was laughing at my predicament too - and I realized I'd gone from almost hating Mark to loving him again, all in the same minute. Wait - did I say 'loving him'? My feelings towards Mark hadn't been that strong before. But they felt that way now. 'Oh my God,' was all I could think. When I finally let myself out of the toilet stall, a few of the guys slapped me on the back or punched me in the shoulder, so I took that as a sign they were cool with me. And Mark put an arm around my shoulder and gave me a little squeeze, which I guessed was his physical way of saying 'no hard feelings'. Did I ever say I got tingles down my spine sometimes? Mom was there shortly afterwards to pick up me and Kath. On the way home we relived the day's events, both agreeing that it was a day to remember. "So I'm dying to know," said Kath, "how was it being the only girl in the boys' dressing room?" Mom jumped in, "What? Sandy - what in the world is Kathleen talking about?" "Not to worry, Mom. It's just school policy to not let guys change in the same room as the girls, so I had to use the boys' room. I was pretty nervous about the whole thing, but it worked out all right." "I heard you had a special helper," Kath needled. "You're trying to get my Mom worried about me, aren't you? Yes, I did have some help. From a very nice gentleman." "Oh, so now he's a gentleman! That's not the way I heard it. Didn't he steal your clothes and make you chase after him in your undies?" "Alexander!" Mom said, her voice becoming indignant. "What was going on in there? Who stole your clothes? And you were running around in your underwear?" "Oh, brother!" I huffed. "Mom, Kath's just being her usual troublemaker self. No, I did NOT run around in my underwear. And nobody STOLE my clothes - the guys were just playing a trick on me, and it was all in good fun." I fixed Kath with a stern look. "YOU weren't even there, my dear friend, so don't believe everything you hear. I'll have you know, all my boyfriends treated me just like a lady, so there!" "ALL your boyfriends? Just how many can you manage at one time? If you were a REAL friend, maybe you'd spare a few for me!" "I'd think about it if you were nicer to me," I told her. I could tell that by now Mom was wondering about our sanity. Kath leaned over to me and said, "If I'm not mistaken, there's only one you're interested in - that means I get my pick of the rest. And just to set the record straight, I thought I was already being nice to you." That last comment made me stop and think. If she was talking about the birth control pills she was supplying me with, then I'd have to agree with her one hundred percent. I knew by then that if it wasn't for those little pills, I'd be living a very different life. And I was certain my musical theater debut would never have happened. ***** The next evening's dress rehearsal wasn't remotely as fun as the first one. Uno-who was playing MY part, and I got stuck with a minor role as a random male villager, appearing in all the big group scenes and singing in numbers like 'Tradition' and "To Life". I knew my high voice couldn't be picked out by anyone in the audience, and I always wore my hair tucked into a hat, so I doubt that if anyone saw me playing Hodel one night and in this role the next, they'd have no idea the two actors were the same person. Unless they knew me, of course, and lots did, so I was bracing for the comments and questions I knew were coming. The other bit of awkwardness was changing in the boys' dressing room as a girl one night and a boy the next. I hoped my friends would cope with that confusion better than I expected to. This rehearsal went a bit better than the previous one - the directors only had to stop it a couple of times to chew someone out for missing their cue or standing with their back to the audience. I thought Kirstie did a good job, maybe even better than me, but then she had the advantage of more rehearsals in that role. At our break I told her I thought she was doing great, but she just kind of sniffed a short "Thanks" - no other conversation. I felt badly that she didn't seem to want to connect with me, and I wondered if it was because she saw me as competition, or because she detested the idea of being replaced by a boy in her role. Or maybe because, like the others said, she was just being a diva. At the end of the run-through Mr. Nelson made another speech about how important it was to be at the top of our game for the opening the next night, so that we could start the run on a high note. He also warned us about staying up late that night and the other nights after each performance, because we'd all need lots of sleep to perform at our best. But, he announced, we could make up for it on closing night since Mark's parents had offered their home for a cast party that would be allowed to go as late as we wanted! All actors, musicians and stage crew were invited. That sounded more than great to me! The next day, Wednesday, we performed a matinee show in front of an all- student audience of freshmen and sophomores. I think the idea was to showcase what the drama department was all about, for those who were thinking about entering that program, as well as giving us the opportunity to do a performance in front of a real audience. I got to play Hodel, as I would in the official opening that same night and the next one or two nights after. Kirstie would get the Friday night show if her team lost on Thursday, as well as the Saturday matinee and the big closing show that night. True to his word, Mark was a huge help at the preview show, assisting me with all my girl-clothing issues. I hoped the other boys were getting used to the whole dressing room sideshow - at least they didn't make any comments this time. We had a clean run-through and got lots of laughs and applause at the appropriate times, so I think that made everyone confident we were all set for our big evening. All except for me ... about halfway through, I started getting a bad case of nerves. Hardly any, if any at all, of the audience knew who I was, but it would be very different that night - I'd probably be the main topic of gossip amongst the students and parents who'd be attending. It's all I could think about, and I hoped fervently that it wouldn't affect my performance. Kath and I walked home together after school, talking about nothing but the play. I told her I was kind of glad I didn't do Hodel the night before, because I was able to sit in the house during some of her scenes, not to mention observing how Kirstie was playing the role. "You're so good at this, Kath!" I said. "And such a natural on stage. You got that part nailed, too - you're scaring me!" "You should talk - I think you're blowing away 'little miss diva,' and the show hasn't even opened yet." "I don't think so - she's pretty good you know ... not to mention being the right sex and everything." "Sandy, you're having doubts again, aren't you? Like, I know you well enough to tell when you're having a panic attack." I laughed nervously. "No, no, it's not a panic attack - I hope! I'm not sure what it is - maybe just opening night jitters. I've heard it's pretty common." "Well, we all have that, I think. So why should you be different than the rest of us?" "I wish that was true. But I AM different - I'm the only one who has to pass himself off as a girl. Everybody's going to know who I really am, Kath. What if that offends people? What if they think I'm a pervert? I'm stressing enough about it right now - how am I going to perform tonight, on stage?" "Whoa, calm down, sweetheart. Like I said before, you are who you are, and if other people don't like it, too damn bad for them. Look at it this way: you get to do a REAL acting job tonight. In theater, men play women and women play men - happens all the time. Oh, yeah, and remember what Nelson taught us, you know, 'suspension of disbelief'? Well, all you need to do is convince everyone you're really a girl, and for you that shouldn't be any trouble at all. First, they come to the theater ready and willing to believe whatever they see on stage. Second, you make it real easy for them because nobody'd ever believe you're a boy to begin with, you're so convincing." I was silent for a minute, digesting Kath's little speech. "You know, you might have a point. Maybe that's why my voice recitals went so well. I just thought everyone was being polite. Maybe they thought they were seeing the real me on stage." "Could be," agreed Kath. "They could have decided that Sandy Johnson was really just a tomboy who finally came out of her shell." "Wow, you're amazing, Kathleen Thomas. How did you get to be so perceptive?" "Confession time, my dear friend - you're not the only one who's not who they seem. I'm really a fifty-year-old male psychologist disguised as a teenage girl. Pretty convincing, huh?" "Yeah, but that does explain why you act like a dirty old man sometimes ..." Kath made like she was going to club me with her backpack, and I took off running and laughing, with Kath in hot pursuit. When I finally let her catch up, I had an awkward question I needed to ask. "So are you going to the prom?" "Oh, I dunno - the whole prom dress thing ... you know how much I hate that kind of scene." "Yeah, I know ... too bad, I was hoping you'd be my date this year." "Oh, I get it - Julia broke up with you so now I'm your last resort?" I just knew she'd say that. "Kath - please! We've been over this before. Don't rub it in ..." "Wait, I've got the perfect solution! You wear the prom dress and I'll rent a tux. You look a lot prettier than me in a dress, and you know it!" "I don't think so!" I laughed. "Anyhow, that idea already occurred to me, but we'd never get through the door. Remember those two gay guys in Chicago that tried to go to the prom together last year?" "Yeah, didn't they go to court over it?" "Uh-huh ... but it caused a lot of trouble. I'm not into making a big splash or anything, like getting my picture in the paper ..." "Too bad. Oh, well, I suppose I could find it in me to drag myself to the prom with you. Can I borrow one of your thousands of dresses?" "Sure, help yourself - unless you want me to help you shop for one." Kath had a twinkle in her eye. "Oh, I'm just stringing you along, Sandy Johnson. Mom took me dress shopping two months ago." "What? Are you serious? You bought a prom dress?" I was astonished. Then another thought occurred to me. "Did someone already ask you to the prom?" "Two guys did, actually - but I turned them down. I knew you'd need a friend to go with. But I was beginning to wonder if you'd ever ask ..." I stopped and put my arms around her, planting a big kiss on her cheek. "Kathleen, I love you!" "I know, I know ... stop being so mushy." 'What a super friend she is,' I thought for only the umpteenth time. To be continued ....