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My Wonderful Obsession Part 14: It's Better in a Dress Mom and I got a ride to the school at five-thirty with Kath and her Mom. Kath's father was out of town but was expected back in time for the last night's performance. Our Moms, however, said they wouldn't miss their kids' opening night on stage for the world. When we got to the foyer outside the theater doors we spotted a pop-up display with all the cast and crew pictures on it, and quickly checked out our mug shots before leaving our Moms there and disappearing into the theatre to meet up with our friends. At call time Mr. Nelson assembled us all on stage and gave a little pep-talk about how important the first show was, and how he expected everyone to do their roles and tasks properly. When he finished, the actors who had speaking parts and solos were sent to the sound board to get wireless lapel microphones from the sound guy, who was another student. Then we all went on our various ways to begin getting ready for curtain at seven sharp. I almost said 'good luck' to Kath as we headed to our separate dressing rooms, but caught myself - tonight of all nights, I didn't want anything bad to happen! I was one of the first into the boys' dressing room, and I found all my costume items there already waiting for me. Thank you Mrs. Parsons! So I decided to start on my makeup. This wasn't too strange to do around the boys, since they all needed to put on some of their own, but mine looked a lot more feminine! I was in the middle of applying eyeliner when I saw two hands appear in the mirror, grabbing my shoulders from behind. Then I saw Mark's face in the mirror above mine. "Hi big guy," was all I could think to say. "Hi Sandy," came the reply. "All set for your big night?" I recalled that I'd told him about my years-long ambition to perform in a stage musical. "I'm ready if you are," I told him in the friendliest voice I could conjure up. "I am too! Let me know when you're ready to get dressed." A while later I was standing back in front of the mirror wearing my long skirt and blouse, pinning my headscarf in place. As Mark and I helped each other with our wireless mikes, we could hear the orchestra warming up and I started to get very excited. The preview earlier that day was great, but THIS was the big OPENING - and you can't get better than that! As I left the dressing room to head for the stage right wing where I'd be waiting for my cue to go onstage, I passed a lady I didn't recognize who gave me a strange look, but I didn't give it a second thought. I could hear what sounded like hundreds of voices chattering in the house seats. 'Is it a sell-out?' I wondered. I certainly hoped so. The orchestra was playing prelude music from the show, as I got in position next to several of my cast mates. We'd been instructed to keep quiet so our words wouldn't be amplified by our mikes to everyone in the theatre. The music soon stopped, and Mr. Nelson appeared, nodding and smiling at us as he moved past us to center stage. He gave a short speech about the show, why he chose it, and how hard everyone had worked to make it a reality. Then he asked everyone to make sure their pagers and cell phones were off, and said he hoped everyone would enjoy 'Fiddler on the Roof'. Then the houselights went black, the orchestra launched into the overture, and my heart began pounding twice as hard as it had before. I tried deep breathing, then thought about the people there like my Mom, who loved and supported me, and that seemed to calm me down. The stagelights came up and there was Ben, I mean Tevye, standing at center stage delivering his opening monologue. What more can I say about the show? It was like a dream. Once again, I was Tevye's daughter Hodel ... I mean, I really felt like I was! And I was also the girl who fell in love with Perchik, the handsome young rebel from Moscow. That wasn't hard to believe either. But the best part was being able to sing my heart out, especially during my duet with 'my man' and in my big solo number. Unlike the dress rehearsals and the preview, there was a lot of cheering and applause after each song, and we had to force ourselves to wait till it died down before speaking again, as Mr. Nelson had instructed us. All too soon, it seemed, the final number was upon us, and in no time Mark and I were striding onstage from opposites sides to take our bows (and an extra curtsy from me). The entire audience was on their feet! What an exhilarating feeling to get a standing ovation! As I looked out over all the cheering faces, it slowly dawned on me that I'd done it - I'd performed in a live stage musical, just like I'd always wished. It was the biggest thrill of my life! When the applause died down the lights blacked out, so we all hurried backstage and out into the corridor to greet the audience members as they left the theater. Ben and Jaclyn were first in the receiving line, followed by Kath, Jordan, me, Mark, Cindy, Paul, Lisa, Doug, and all the rest who would take too long to name. We all got a ton of nice compliments from everyone, and I can't count how many hugs I got from other students (all girls of course). One older lady told Mark and me that we made a nice couple! But the scariest thing was meeting Mark's parents for the first time. I saw this nice looking middle-aged couple making their way down the receiving line, and when they got to me the lady said, "So you're Sandy! Mark told us you're an amazing singer, but he never said how amazing ... you had me in tears!" I had no idea what to say, but then Mark spoke up. "Mom, Dad, thanks for coming! I thought you weren't coming till tomorrow! Oh, this is Hodel, I mean, Sandy - uh, Alexandra!" "Very nice to meet you, Alexandra," said his Dad, taking my hand. "Mark didn't tell us how pretty you were, either." He shot a look at his son, who just smiled and shrugged. 'SO AWKWARD!' I thought. "Thanks," I squeaked. "I'm so glad you enjoyed the show. Are you coming to see it again?" "Oh, yes," replied Mrs. McCowan. "Our daughter Megan and I have tickets for the Friday performance." Mark looked disappointed. "Oh, Sandy won't be playing Hodel that night. She's actually the understudy - the regular girl's on for Friday and Saturday." "You're the understudy?" asked Mr. McCowan, sounding incredulous. "They should have just given you the part - I can't imagine anyone doing it better than you!" "You're very kind," I responded, as graciously as I could, "but Kirstie - the main girl - IS a lot better than me - that's why she got the part. I'm just thankful I get to play Hodel in some of the shows." Mark's parents smiled and said 'bye, then moved on, and soon I was getting a big hug from Mom, who had tears in her eyes and was shaking her head. "Oh, Sandy, you were just wonderful. I think that part is just perfect for you." "Thanks, Mom - that really means a lot to me. And thanks so much for being here for me - you have no idea how much you helped me tonight." She looked a little puzzled but just hugged me again, then gave Mark a hug too! "Thank you for looking after Sandy," she told him. "My pleasure, Mrs. Johnson," he responded. Right behind Mom was Mrs. Thomas, who had been chatting with her daughter and Jordan. When she saw me she came right over and took both my hands, and looking me over she said quietly, "Sandy, you blew me away tonight. I absolutely could NOT see our little neighbor boy, just this pretty peasant girl with the big singing voice. You and Kathleen could definitely be sisters!" "Oh, but we ARE, Mrs Thomas," I laughed, "at least that's what you're supposed to believe. I'm glad we were so convincing." On the way home Mom handed me the show program she'd kept - I hadn't seen it before. "Take a look at the cast names," she prompted. So I scanned the list, spotting nothing out of the ordinary, and I was about to ask her what I was looking for when I realized my name was given as 'Alexandra Johnson.' No wonder I didn't hear any comments about a boy playing a girl - people must have thought I was for real! But who was responsible for putting that name in the program? ***** The next evening Mr. Nelson appeared in the boys' dressing room while we were getting ready. "Have a great show, fellows," he said, after making sure no one had lost any of their bits and pieces from the previous night. "Oh, and that reminds me - one of your Moms was out in the corridor last night delivering something one of you forgot at home. I won't say whose mother she was, but she spotted Sandy leaving and today she went to the Principal, complaining that girls were going in and out of the boys' dressing room." That set off a lot of guffaws from my fellow actors. Doug exclaimed, "We wish!" Mr. Nelson joined in the laughter and shook his head, saying, "Not to worry, I've managed to straighten it all out. Isn't show business fun?" That evening's performance went very well, like the previous one, and we got another standing 'O' like the night before. But I was sad that it would likely be my last - unless our ball team won their game (I kept my fingers crossed!). Phil and Natalie were there with Mom (who attended all the shows I was in), and I got an extra big hug from Natalie afterwards. "Sandra, honey, I just loved seeing you on stage - and your singing! You're a very gifted performer, you know." Phil, who gave me a hug too, just nodded and didn't say a thing - I thought he must be in shock or something. Before we could do anything else, I saw Mr. Nelson approaching with a serious look on his face, and I wondered ... "Sandy, can I have a word with you?" he asked. I stepped away from the receiving line to hear what he had to say. "You'll never guess ... the team lost tonight. I've already spoken to Kirstie. She's disappointed, but she's very excited to take her part in the play. So I'm afraid that's it for your performances. I'm sorry, Sandy." I'll admit I was VERY disappointed - a lot more than Kirstie, that's for sure. I also felt quite envious of her, but what the hell, I thought - I got to play the preview and three shows. I'd kill to be able to play Hodel for the rest of the run, but no dice and that was that. So I thanked Mr. Nelson for letting me play the shows I did, and scurried back to my spot beside Mark, doing my best to hide my disappointment. The next person I recognized was Julia, who had her Mom, Dad and brother Shane with her. I didn't wait for her to hug me - I reached out and hugged her. "I was hoping you'd come tonight," I told her. "Thanks ..." She shrugged, "Like I'd miss your big show - NOT! Sandy, you were terrific." Then she leaned closer and whispered, "But it's a good thing I've seen you in a dress before or I'd be totally freaked out." She backed away a bit and looked me in the eyes. "Sandy, I think you've found your calling - really, I do." Then she hugged me again. It felt so wonderful that my eyes began tearing up. Mrs. Taylor noticed and handed me a Kleenex, then took her turn with a big smile and hug for me. "Congratulations, Sandy," she said in a low voice, "I guess all that practice you got being a girl with us paid off. You're more convincing than ever!" "Thanks, Mrs, Taylor," I said, realizing as soon as I spoke that Julia's Dad might have heard what his wife had said! 'Does he know?' I wondered. But Mr. Taylor just shook my hand and said, "Wonderful job, Sandy." ***** The next night's show wasn't much to write home about - I did my assigned ensemble role, and I was forced to watch Kirstie playing MY part. Yeah, I knew it was really HER part, but can you blame me? I just felt so great, so natural and so alive up on stage, especially during solos, that I couldn't help but feel ripped off to have to let someone else play Hodel. Still, I had to admit that Kirstie could sing and act - better than me, I was sure. And she had that other minor advantage, too. By then end of the show I was feeling a little down, totally the opposite of how I'd felt the two previous nights. And the order of the receiving line didn't help - the ensemble players and crew were well back in the line, so by the time people made it to us they were all out of compliments, and mostly just nodded their heads or said "Good work" as they walked by. Talk about feeling like second-class citizens! The Saturday matinee was pretty much the same. Well, I mean it was almost the same - Kirstie seemed to be struggling on her high notes. Her voice cracked a few times and I wondered if she was coming down with something. But I forgot about it after her last song, and after the show I went back home feeling even more down than I did the night before. At that point I didn't even want to go to the cast party at Mark's house. Then I began to feel guilty about being unhappy - after all, I'd been given three chances to play Hodel. Was I turning into a 'diva' myself? It's just that I was so envious of Kirstie, who would get to play the part that night and receive all the accolades for her performance. ***** I was busy entering a pile of Mom's invoices on the computer around five when the phone rang. Mom, who was in the kitchen, picked it up and I heard her chatting briefly with whoever the caller was. I thought she said, "I'll let him know right away - bye-bye." "Alexander!" Mom called. "Come here - I have some news for you!" When I got to the kitchen, there she stood with her hands on her hips and a smile on her face. "What is it?" I asked. "Good news or bad news?" "Bad news if you're Kirstie ... but GOOD news if you're Sandy!" 'Oh my God,' I thought - 'don't tell me ...' I stood there with my mouth open waiting for her to continue. "That was Ms. Griffith. She said Kirstie called ... she can't do the show tonight. She's come down with laryngitis or something and her voice is almost completely gone. You're the understudy, so you're going on tonight!" I couldn't believe it! WOW! As bad as I felt for Kirstie, I was totally thrilled to get to play Hodel once more, especially for the big closing night performance. "Mom," I cried, throwing my arms around her, "that's the best news I've had all year!" Then I looked at the clock and said, "I've got to get going - I need to be there at five-thirty. My costumes are in the girls' dressing room and I need to get them moved." I ran upstairs and got ready as fast as I could. When I came back downstairs, Mom asked me if I'd be wanting to go to the party. "The PARTY!" I exclaimed. "I almost forgot - yes, I do want to go - just give me a few more minutes." I ran back up to my room to grab some things I'd need, and shortly afterwards we were on our way to the school. When we arrived at the theater, several of my fellow actors were already there. "Hi Sandy," called Jaclyn, "did you hear the news? Kirstie's sick." "Yeah, I heard," I answered. "What's she got, do you know?" Ben spoke up, with a tone that sounded as though he wasn't unhappy with this outcome. "I dunno what she's got, but it sounds like the whole team got it. My sister's on the team too - she thinks it happened when they were sharing a bottle of something after they won on Wednesday. Must be some nasty bug - nobody can talk!" "OR sing," added Jaclyn. "Well, I feel real bad for Kirstie, but I'm kinda thrilled to be able to do the part tonight," I confided. "We are too, Sandy," said Jaclyn, "because we think you do it better." That was SO nice to hear! By then everyone was present on stage, including Mr. Nelson and Ms. Griffith. They both talked for a few minutes about how important it was for all of us to try extra hard to stay 'on task' during the performance, as it's common for actors and crew to slack off on the last show. "People, we want this performance to be perfect in every way. The audience deserves it, and trust me, you'll be able to take this wonderful memory with you, no regrets. So let's give it our all, and everyone have the best show ever!" We all clapped and cheered, then headed off to get ready. Mark walked beside me to the dressing room. "I missed you the last couple of shows," he said matter-of-factly. "What do you mean, I was here - didn't you recognize me?" "Oh, was that boy really you? Good disguise!" he kidded. "I guess I didn't recognize you after all. But I'm glad you're back as your regular self tonight." I just nodded. I was almost getting used to the notion that Mark liked me better as a girl, hard as that was to believe. Mrs. Parsons was carrying one of my costumes down the hall as I approached the boys' dressing room. "Here, I'll take that," said Mark, and I went back with Mrs. Parsons to get the rest of my stuff. When it was all moved over I began the process of transforming into Hodel one last time. It was very emotional for me and I almost started crying as I was tying my headscarf in place. Mark was his usual helpful self, except I sensed that he was being more attentive than usual, giving me little encouragements and compliments as I got ready. While I was applying makeup he even told me he thought my face was pretty! Hearing these things wasn't doing anything to lessen the crush I had on him, that's for sure. Finally, when both of us were all dressed and ready to go, I looked him in the eye and said, "Hey, are you trying to get me all distracted so I'll forget my lines? If you are, it's working." He laughed nervously and replied, "Ah, not really, Sandy - I just like saying what's on my heart, that's all." "It's STILL working, Mark." I wasn't even remotely annoyed with him, but I couldn't very well let on, could I? "Well, we ARE supposed to be a couple in this show - maybe I'm just starting the courtship part early ... you know, getting you in the mood, that kind of thing." "Like I said, it's working. I'm sure we'll be TOTALLY believable." "That's the idea," he said with a wink. Now my heart was pounding - more from our verbal exchange, which to me was quite romantic, than from pre-show jitters. But Mark's words definitely had an impact on me - I'm sure I was completely in love with him from that moment on. When we got to our duet scene I didn't even have to act - I was able to play it from my heart. What an amazing treat to be able to be Mark's love interest on stage, where I was expected to be exactly that by everyone in the audience. I got so caught up in the emotion that I was desperate for us to kiss - but once again, it didn't happen. He only gave me a kiss on the forehead! What a letdown, I thought - but then I reminded myself of the reality of our situation and tried to put my disappointment aside. Soon we were all into the final number, and then it was over - except for the curtain call and bows of course. The whole audience was on their feet clapping and whistling like crazy. Flowers appeared - for Jaclyn, Brittany, Cindy, Kath ... and even me! I looked at my friends and saw that most of them were crying, and then I realized I was too! We bowed (and curtsied) again, and then Ben stepped forward, motioning for everyone to quiet down, and he cleared his throat. "Ladies and gentlemen," he began, "on behalf of the entire cast and crew of 'Fiddler on the Roof,' I want to thank all of you for that great ovation you just gave us. It seems that you all enjoyed the show as much as we enjoyed putting it on for you. I also want to thank all the parents and other family members who helped and supported us students so much over the past few months - we couldn't have done this without you. But there's a few very important people we'd like to acknowledge. Mr. Nelson, Ms. Griffith, and Mrs. Parsons, would you all come on stage please?" The three of them appeared from different directions, and each was handed a bouquet of flowers. Ben continued, "Could we have a big round of applause for these three amazing people? Our school has the best drama department in the whole damn state!" More than a few people winced at Ben's language, but I thought he said it very well, and besides everyone was clapping and cheering! We all waved and yelled "Good night!" then quickly headed for the corridor to form our receiving line. On the way I said to Ben, "Why don't we put the ensembles and crew first tonight? They always get the dregs and it's not fair!" Ben's eyes opened wide and he nodded in agreement, then he got everyone organized so that the backstage crew was closest to the theater doors, followed by the ensemble players, then the secondary parts, and finally the leads. I think it worked, because when the doors opened the folks up front got a ton of compliments and handshakes, which I thought they deserved as much as anyone. And I don't think it made any difference to the rest of us, because we were as busy as ever chatting with people. Mark and I had so many people tell us we made a great couple, and lots of them told me I played Hodel with so much emotion that they were convinced I was really in love with him! If they only knew! And I hadn't heard a single person outside my circle of friends and family making any comments about my real gender, so the mistake in the program obviously worked in my favor. I still wondered who was responsible. Back in the dressing room, Mark helped me get my costume sorted out and put away for the last time. But this time I didn't change into 'guy' clothes. I'd packed some 'nicer' items into a small duffel bag, which I took into the toilet stall with me before undressing. This was going to be another stretch for me. At the first dress rehearsal I'd shown up with jeans and a girl's top, but I was supposed to be a girl then, and people might have forgiven me for trying to get 'in character'. For the cast party I was going to stay in girl mode, even though I supposedly had no reason to. But Mark had hinted more than once that he liked my feminine side, so I was eager to do whatever pleased him - and damn whatever anyone else thought. So I left my bra in place and pulled on another one of my pretty summer tops. This one, like the others, had a scoop neckline, but it also had some nice lacy embellishments on the front - and it was my new favorite color, pink. Then I wiggled my hips into a pair of white capri pants - they were tighter than they should have been but what the hell, I was going to a party, not a church service! A pair of silver ballet flats finished the look. There were still a few guys in the dressing room when I emerged from the stall, but I was still so euphoric from the show that I didn't care - I just waltzed past two of them and sat back down in front of a mirror with my makeup case. First I brushed my hair out as long and straight as it would go while I decided which parts of my stage makeup could stay and what needed to go. A few minutes later I was checking out the results. My eyes were definitely more dramatic than usual and my lashes were as long as my mascara could stretch them, and my lip gloss color matched my top. But as usual, I only added a little highlighter to my face, not wanting to hide the skin tone I liked so much. A small spritz of my favorite perfume around my neck, then my hoop earrings and bracelet, and I was all set for the party. I ignored the stares of the guys left in the room and hurried out with my bag to find Kath. She was sitting with her Mom in the theater, and when she got up I saw that she was dressed a lot like me, but as usual, with no makeup. "Well, I see you BOTH have your party clothes on," said Mrs. Thomas a little suspiciously, as she looked me over. I thought she was going to make another comment about how I was dressed, but she said, "Exactly HOW late do you expect this to go?" "Oh, we should be done by, say, noon tomorrow," was Kath's flippant reply. "Remember, I'm seventeen now and you said I had to be that old to stay overnight." "I did say that, but I must have been out of my mind. I want you to call me, any time, when you're ready to leave - or when they tell you to, which is likely to be long before you're ready to. And NO drinking, understand?" "Mom, get real - we'll be just fine. It's at Mark's house and his parents are both going to be there." "That may be true, but I don't know them. Sandy, I'm depending on you to keep an eye on Kathleen." "I'd be more than happy to do that, Mrs. Thomas," I said, giving Kath the 'evil eye.' I was able to catch a ride to Mark's house with Kath and her Mom, who'd been given a sheet of paper with the directions. It was in a 'better' part of town where the houses and properties are bigger. We pulled up in front of a huge white colonial that had all the outside lights blazing despite the late hour. There was a long flagstone walkway lined with shrubs leading to the front porch. Kath and I said goodbye to Mrs. Thomas, whom I noticed was looking me over head to toe again, and made our way to the house where I rang the bell. A pre-teen girl, whom I guessed was Mark's younger sister, answered the door and ushered us inside, then led the way down a set of stairs to their rec room. We paused at the foot of the stairs and looked around. The room was huge, with thick carpeting, lots of sofas and chairs, and a bar at the far end. A lot of people were already milling about. Mark's Mom was in the process of setting out trays of finger food and goodies on a long folding table. As she turned to go upstairs she saw us and stopped. "Alexandra! Kathleen! I'm so glad you could come!" she said warmly. "There wasn't much chance we'd miss the big party!" Kath laughed. "I mean, how often does one of these happen? Once a year, if we're lucky." "More like once in a lifetime," I corrected her. "Well, you two just enjoy yourselves, okay? Help yourselves to some snacks, and there's juice and soda in the fridge over there." She motioned towards the food table and the bar. "Thanks so much for hosting the party, Mrs. McCowan," I said, "it's very kind of you." "And thank YOU for your wonderful performances. And for welcoming Mark into your group - he told me he loves all his new friends." "SOME more than others!" Kath snickered, winking in my direction. I spoke up again before things got out of hand. "We all think Mark's a really great guy. Thanks for letting him come to our school." "Well, I suppose we could go on like this all night," Mrs. McCowan said as she started up the stairs, "but I need to get back up to the kitchen. See you later, girls!" Kath and I went over and joined our friends. Mark was nowhere in sight, but Ben, Jaclyn and Cindy were there with a few others. Most of the girls were dressed like me, with capris or long pants, pretty colored tops, and dramatic makeup. Several pairs of eyes immediately looked me over. "Sandy, you're still in character!" giggled Cindy. "Oh, Kath and I loved being nice Jewish girls so much, and now we just can't stop!" I giggled back. "Isn't that right Kath?" "Yeah, I guess so, but we aren't really THAT nice ... today's the Sabbath and we just worked all day." "But we'll make up for it by playing all night, right girls?" I felt an arm and hand around my shoulder and turned to see Mark's face inches from mine. "Mmm," he said, "do I detect an attractive fragrance around here somewhere?" "It's possible," I replied, happy that he'd noticed. "But we'll never tell who's wearing it," giggled Cindy, "you'll just have to sniff everyone in the room." "If he sniffs me I'll deck him," said Ben. "Nothing I hate worse than getting sniffed." "Don't you mean 'stiffed'?" laughed Mark. "Sniffed, stiffed, what's the difference? Hey, where do you keep the drinks again? I'm still parched from the show." Mark pointed to the bar and turned his attention back to me. "Wow - you're the master of the makeover, aren't you? Seems like every time I see you after a show you look more glamorous." "You mean mistress, not master," Kath pointed out. "I stand corrected. Obviously a mistress." "Hey," I complained, "don't I get a say in this? I don't think I like being a mistress. It has a nasty sound to it, like I broke up someone's marriage or something." Our conversation was getting really stupid, obviously, but I guess it was all part of unwinding after the show, and everyone was laughing at all the dumb comments and jokes. Soon there was music blasting and we all had to shout to be heard. Some people were dancing and others were sitting on the floor chatting, and lots of food and drinks were consumed. Mark was all over the place, which made sense because he was our host, but I was wishing he could spend some time just with me. By four a.m., half of the guests were gone, picked up by parents who apparently had no intention of letting their kids stay out till morning. By five, half the remainder were fast asleep, some on the carpet and others on the chairs and couches, leaning on each other. Finally Mark came over and sat on the floor beside me. "That must be pretty good quality perfume you're wearing - I can still smell it," he said, sniffing the air close to my neck. "I like it - I think it suits me," I replied, hoping this wouldn't be one of those 'small talk' conversations. It wouldn't be! "Sandy, I just wanted to tell you I think you did a fantastic job in the play. I liked performing with you ... a lot better than I did with Kirstie. She's a good actress and everything, but you brought something extra-special to the part. And I thought I performed a lot better with you, too." My tired eyes started tearing up as I heard him say those things. When he finished he turned to look at me, but I had to turn away. 'Should I share my feelings with him?' I wondered. I felt that I should be careful, but oh, what the hell ... "Mark, thanks so much for saying that - for everything you did to help me too. You have no idea ... like, I mean, if you thought I was good, it was because of YOU. I wanted so much to be my best for you." "You did?" he asked, sounding a bit surprised. "Well, it being like your senior year and all, and your last show ..." This was sounding lame. I wanted to tell him that my feelings for him were at least as responsible for how I performed as any talent I might have. But I couldn't bring myself to come out and say that. What if I got rejected? So I took a different approach. "You were very nice to me, and you didn't have to do that. Like, you know who I am. I'm just kind of blown away by how well you've treated me." Mark was silent for a moment - then he unexpectedly put his arm around me! I responded by snuggling a little closer, and I immediately felt more nervous and at the same time more relaxed, if that was possible! "Sandy, what can I say ... you're a special kind of person. I've never met anyone like you. I, uh ... find you really intriguing. What I'm trying to say is ... I like you a lot." His words were so sweet to my ears, and his voice was so soothing ... before I knew it, my tired head was on his shoulder. And it felt totally wonderful. I know he was still talking, saying more nice things ... but sleep had finally caught up to me. I have no idea how long I was there, but sometime later I opened my eyes and we were lying on the soft carpet, with my head still cradled on his shoulder. I could feel Mark's steady breathing on the side of my head. The music was still playing, but no one else seemed to be awake. So I just stayed put and closed my eyes again - no point spoiling a perfect situation, I thought. The next thing I knew, my 'pillow' was moving. Mark was talking to someone - someone who was speaking sternly. I opened my eyes and saw Mr. McCowan standing over us, telling Mark it was time for everyone to go home. Daylight was streaming through the windows. "Okay, Dad" said Mark. So we slowly got up, stretched the kinks out and set about waking up our friends - I woke up the girls and Mark looked after the guys. In no time we had rides sorted out for everyone, and Kath and I found ourselves being driven home by - who else? - Mark. We hardly said a word, and when we got there we each gave him a quick hug, thanked him for a great party, and headed for our doors. I slept till at least noon and I'm sure Kath did too. ***** The spring prom took place only a week after 'Fiddler' closed. But if the play was a highlight of my life, you'd have to call the prom a 'low-light'. In retrospect, I wish I could have gone as a girl, because I might have had a better time - but that would have been way too sketchy and they probably wouldn't have let me in the door in the first place. I guess it was one thing to legitimately 'play' a person of the opposite sex on stage, but quite another to 'impersonate' one at a school function. For better or worse I was a male as far as the school was concerned, and like it or not I needed to be dressed accordingly. But that meant I wouldn't have had a date if Kath hadn't agreed to fill that role. I was still able to squeeze into the suit I'd bought two years earlier (after unpicking the trouser cuffs for some extra length) and my long wavy hair was tied back into a ponytail that I left hanging outside my jacket. But I felt awkward and uncomfortable dressed that way. Kath looked nice in her salmon-colored sheath dress, but she had no makeup on and she couldn't bring herself to wear heels, just the ballet shoes from our dance class. We must have looked like quite the couple! We did arrive as a 'couple' but Kath's on-stage turn had made her a lot more popular and she got a ton of requests from other guys for dances, which I encouraged her to accept. So I ended up sitting it out for much of the night, feeling very isolated and alone. It was actually worse than that - Mark was accompanied by Jaclyn, whom I learned had asked him, so in more ways than one he was off limits, and in any case he barely noticed me. Julia was there too, and she spent the whole evening dancing with the same guy, a very masculine-looking senior, whom I concluded must be her new boyfriend. She looked fantastic - her dress was a body-hugging dark red satiny material, about six inches above the knee, and it showed off her long legs very nicely. Her hair and makeup was perfect too. Then I remembered that Karen told me Julia was now a regular client of hers. Figures, I thought - I do all the work, make all the deals, and some other guy gets all the benefits. I don't think Julia gave me a second glance all night. Towards the end of the evening Kath managed to break away from her admirers and dance with me a few times, but by then I was in a depressed state that God himself couldn't pull me out of. I'd spent much of my alone-time comparing the fairy-tale my social life was as a girl, with the pathetic excuse for a social life I had as a boy. And I'd promised myself that if I couldn't wear a dress to next year's prom I wasn't coming at all. ***** After the 'drama' of the spring prom, the rest of the school year was anticlimactic, to say the least. Final exams were tougher than ever, but they came and went and soon my junior year was behind me. For some of our friends who were seniors, like Mark, Ben and Jaclyn, high school was finished. I kind of envied them, because I felt ready to move on to something bigger and better than the endless treadmill and social minefield that school was for me, but on the other hand I'd get another year of drama and two more productions to hopefully take part in. And there wouldn't be the pressure to earn as much money as possible for college yet, so I could look forward to being the 'me' I liked being for the summer holidays. Kath and I were talking about all this stuff as we walked home one last time, our daypacks and arms loaded with the contents of our lockers. "Thank God it's finally summer," Kath said with relief in her voice. "That was the craziest year ever - way too much school work." "Yeah, there WAS a lot of homework, and a lot of assignments ... but if it wasn't for certain other little things like recitals, shows, working, going out with friends ..." "Hey, those were the only good things. Which reminds me - are you working the grad banquet next Friday?" That reminded me too. "I guess so, but I'm kinda disappointed. I was hoping to get invited by someone, but it looks like I'll be serving instead of being served. I take it nobody asked you either." "I wonder who would invite you!" Kath chuckled knowingly. "Same here, nobody loves me." "We're such a sorry pair, aren't we?" I moaned. "Being the hired help seems to be our destiny." "But we'll be very attractive hired help, won't we?" Kath added. "I still can't wait to see you in your maid's uniform - especially with that big hair you've got now!" Instead of responding with another witty comeback, I got a little more serious. "That's not all I've got these days. The rest of me's going, like, um ..." "You mean you're getting a girl's bod, right?" Kath interrupted. "I know, I'm not blind. I thought you looked pretty hot in your dance tights, but when I saw you in those capris at the party, I thought 'Holy crap, Sandy's got a killer ass. And your boobs are still growing, aren't they?" "Yeah," I admitted, "they are. My hips too. I bought those capris back in March and they fit fine, but now I can barely pull them on. It's a bit scary ... but I still feel all right with everything that's happening." "So you should. It's you, Sandy. But I'm jealous - you get to experience what it's like to be both sexes. That's so amazing." I laughed, "We've been over this before. It might be amazing, but it's also very complicated. At least your Mom knows what's going on now, but there's a lot of people who only know me as one or the other. One day I'm gonna have to choose what I'm going to be and deal with the fallout." "Why should you have to choose? Why can't you just live like you do now?" "'Cause I'm getting older. In case you haven't noticed, older people look male or female, not both. I'm maybe young enough to get away with it now, but like, if my voice doesn't change and I don't get a beard, I can't very well be a guy much longer, can I? "Aw, you can be anything you feel like being," Kath retorted, predictably - like I said, she was a real utopian. "So are you going to keep taking the Pill, or is that too much like choosing to be female?" "I dunno how long I'll keep taking it, but right now I like what it does for me. And I really want to do next year's shows, so if I can keep my voice it would be great." "Well, I can't get my prescription renewed without a checkup, so let me know what you wanna do. You'll run out in November, right?" "Uh, actually I'm going to run out in August. I've been taking it every day since January, 'cause I didn't want to take a chance on my voice with all the performances and stuff. I guess I like living dangerously." Kath shook her head and laughed, "You sure do. But that means you can't get any more till November. You'll die!" "I'll think of something," I said as we arrived home. "See you tomorrow morning for a run?" "It's a date," Kath replied, still shaking her head at me. ***** At dinner the next evening, Mom asked me if I had any special plans for the summer. "No 'special' plans," I answered, "just the usual. Mrs. Taylor has a lot of work lined up so with that and your stuff I should be okay for money. I do want to get out as much as I can for exercise, though. This year was awful for not being able to do that." "And what about 'Alexandra'? Do you have any plans for her?" "Well," I replied, "funny thing you should mention that. I'm, uh ... actually hoping to be Alexandra for the whole summer." Mom just looked at me and nodded slowly. "I thought you might be feeling that way, but I'd like you to tell me why." "Um, well ... I guess it's because my life is so much better when I'm her. Like, people are nicer to me - even guys." Mom was still nodding encouragingly, so I continued. "And I have a lot more fun. I can do more things. Oh yeah - and my summer boy clothes don't fit me anymore." "Okay, I get the idea ... but why do you think you have to do it full time?" "I dunno ... well, actually I DO know - I want to really experience what it's like, you know - to live like that all the time. So I have to commit. I mean, I can't be cutting my hair and nails off every time I need to be a guy. So it's just easier to be one or the other all the time." Mom looked at me with an expression of love and concern. "Sandy, I think there's more to it than that - isn't there?" I replied, "What do you mean?" Even though I knew where she was going. "I think you want to take Alexandra for a nice long test drive. To see if that's who you want to be for the rest of your life. Am I right?" Mom is definitely possessed of a woman's intuition, as I've found many times in my life. "Yes, you're right ... but Mom, it's the best time to do it. I guess it would have been better after graduation, but I can't wait that long." Mom surprised me by getting up and coming over to put her arms around me. "I know, honey. I know. How can I help you?" "Mom, you've already been helping me so much - like, you're SO supportive. I'm okay with clothes and stuff like that - but maybe you can call me Sandra from now on, like Natalie does ... and can you say 'she' or 'her' when you're talking to someone else about me?" "Sure, honey, I'd love to. But I might have trouble switching back after the summer's over." "Me too," I agreed, not having any idea just how different things would be for me when school resumed for the Fall. ***** It was the first catering gig of the summer, so we all got to wear our special dresses again. Mine still fit me okay, if a little more snugly in the hips, as my body had grown noticeably in that area since the previous summer. Kath said it looked sexier on me, and I guess I was cool with that concept. I had my long hair put up with a big clip and Mom told me she thought it made me look a lot more mature - and I was cool with that, too. The function was a bit scary for me, though - the graduating class was our very own, so I'd be serving a lot of my new friends from the drama program, including Mark, and others who would probably recognize me. The tables were organized mostly by family, so Mark would be seated with his parents and sister Megan, but grad dates would also be seated with them. I wondered if Mark had a date and who it might be. It didn't take long to find out. I was filling water glasses as our guests filed into the room, when I heard my name called by a woman. "Alexandra!" I turned to see Mrs. McCowan waving at me from a table a short distance away, so I went over and said hello. Mr. McCowan and Megan were sitting next to her, and they both said a friendly 'Hi' to me. "Mark said you might be serving here tonight," said Mrs. McCowan. "I hope you'll be looking after our table. And I LOVE your outfits - did you get them all custom fitted?" "Yes," I answered, while scanning discreetly for Mark. "I'm amazed mine still fits. This is the third summer we've used them. They're a lot cooler than what we usually have to wear." "They look very comfortable, and you look very nice, dear. I love your hair up like that, too." I smiled, "Thanks, but most of this isn't my hair at all. I got extensions put in for my voice recital and the show. They'll probably last till the end of the summer, so I have to do something with all of it. And I'm not used to all the attention it needs - I've never had long hair before." "It suits you perfectly, dear. You should grow your own out. I used to have hair all the way down to my waist in the sixties." "But didn't you have to?" I laughed. "Boys had such long hair then, that you had to have yours even longer so they could tell who was who!" Mrs. McCowan laughed too. "You're right, that's probably why I did it. Oh, here comes Mark now ..." Mark was indeed approaching the table, and right behind him was a pretty blonde girl I didn't recognize. He looked a bit surprised to see me, but he quickly said "Hi Sandy," and turned to introduce the girl, whom I assumed was his date. "Sandy, this is my friend Pamela. Pam and I were in the same class at my old high school." The girl reached out her hand to shake mine, and seemed to be eyeing me suspiciously as I took it. Another awkward moment! "Nice to meet you, Pam," I said. "I hope you have a fun time tonight." Pam let go of my hand and grabbed one of Mark's arms. "Oh, I'm sure we will," she said, looking up at him. A major attack of jealousy swept over me at that moment, and for an instant I actually considered quitting and going home, but I quickly gathered my wits and said, "Well, I'd better get busy before they fire me - see you all later." As luck would have it, I didn't have to serve the McCowans' table, which suited me just fine. Seeing Mark with another girl, I mean a REAL girl, had upset me and put a damper on the evening for me. But if I was near their section I couldn't help stealing a glance to see what Mark and Pam were up to. That didn't help at all, because if they were seated Pam was always snuggled up next to him, sometimes with her hand stroking his back. And after the dancing started they were often up there, especially during the slow ones. I was so distracted that more than once Mrs. Taylor had to remind me what I was supposed be doing. Julia also noticed what was going on with me, and made a comment that wasn't particularly sympathetic. About an hour before the party was due to end, I'd pretty much decided to leave early, so I went to the ladies' room and had a good pee, then freshened up and started to head down the hall to the kitchen to find Mrs. Taylor. No sooner had I emerged than I ran into Mark, who was waiting outside the restroom. "Sandy," he said with concern in his voice, "are you okay? You didn't come back to our table so I was worried." He was looking straight into my face with those piercing blue eyes of his, and though I wanted to, I couldn't look away. "I'm all right," I lied, "I'm just having a bit of an off night. Really, I'm okay, but thanks for your concern." "If you say so, but I'm still sure there's more to it. By the way, for a waitress you look pretty amazing tonight." "So do you," I replied absent-mindedly, and with his dark blue suit and yellow tie, he really did. "Uh ... but I'm not a waitress, Sandy." "Sorry ... you know what I meant." "No problem. Well, I'll see you later - take care. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I don't have a girlfriend. Not Pam, not Jaclyn, not anyone." "Oh ... okay, bye now," I waved and continued on my way. But with each step my mood brightened. Pam wasn't his girlfriend, and Jaclyn wasn't either! So why would he tell me that if he didn't think I cared about him ... or if he didn't care about me? When I got to the kitchen I found Mrs. Taylor as I'd expected, but when she asked me what was up I just told her I was sorry for being out of it, that I hadn't been feeling well, but now I was fine. "Are you sure you're okay, Sandy?" she inquired. "I can't have you serving if you're sick." "No, no, I wasn't sick - just a headache, that's all," I fibbed. "It's gone now." ***** Mom must have told Natalie about my plans to be Sandra for the whole summer, because the next time she came over she was all excited to take me shopping again. She had a soft-cover book with her and she motioned for me to sit with her in the living room to look at it. The book was titled 'Color Me Beautiful'. Natalie told me her Mom had bought it in the eighties and she'd just re-discovered it in a box that hadn't been unpacked since their move. The author's premise was that everyone has a specific clothing color palette that suits their skin type. The different palettes are named after seasons, like summer or autumn. Wearing your ideal colors would not only let you look your best but supposedly you'd feel much better about yourself, too. "I'm a spring," Natalie explained, showing me how she'd used the book to figure that out. "I was thinking you're either a summer or a winter." "I hope I'm a summer," I laughed, "it's my favorite season." "Mine too," she agreed, "but let's see what the book says. What are your favorite colors?" "You mean for clothes? Well, two for sure are white and pink, like fuchsia pink ..." "Uh-huh ... do you like yellow too?" I thought of my one-piece bathing suit. "Sure, I think yellow looks good on me, as long as it's like, bright yellow." Natalie looked at my face closely for a few seconds, then her eyes went back and forth between me and the book, which was open to some pictures of typical 'summer' and 'winter' women and the color palettes that went with their eye, skin and hair coloring. "Well, I hate to disappoint you, but you're definitely a winter," she announced. "And you already know it because of the colors you like best. But the book says you're a classic winter, Sandy - dark hair, olive-toned skin and brown eyes. So you should only be wearing basic colors like black, white, blue, yellow ... oh yeah, and hot pink." I was really enjoying the whole exercise, even if I didn't get to be a summer. "So does that mean I get to buy some new clothes?" I asked hopefully, looking over some of the summer and autumn colors and remembering similar-colored items I had in my closet that I rarely wore. Natalie laughed, "Sure, we can always use a good excuse to go shopping, can't we?" "Natalie," I deadpanned, "you never need any excuse to go shopping!" Her pretty eyes sparkled as she laughed along with me. "So when are we going?" "Um, I'm free all day Wednesday and Thursday ..." "Thursday's a half-day at work this week. Can I pick you up at two?" "I'll be ready!" ***** Kath, great friend that she was, offered to take me out for my birthday. Actually, it was the day before my birthday, since Mom had reserved the actual date for a family dinner. Kath told me to get as dolled up as I wanted, because we were going to 'party hearty' as she put it, even though we still weren't old enough to drink. It was a very warm day and evening, so I chose a one-piece sleeveless yellow summer dress with a white floral pattern - another great find from my recent shopping trip with Natalie, and in two of my colors! It needed a bit more to fill out the bust properly, so I put on my new white bra and added the gel inserts. A pair of white leather sandals with thin straps went on my feet (so my toenails would be in plain view). Earlier, I'd made sure all my nails were shaped, and then I'd finished them in my favorite hot pink, adding two coats of gloss. But I didn't have anything special to put in my hair, so I just parted it on one side and brushed it out nice and long - the sensuous look, I figured. After completing my evening makeup job, I checked myself out and decided I was probably way overdone compared to what Kath would be wearing, but I reminded myself that I had the spring prom to make up for, and stuffing some essentials into my white purse, headed downstairs. Kath was already there speaking with Mom, and they both gave a little start when they laid eyes on me. My friend was as close to wearing a skirt as she ever got, namely a pair of beige capris, and she had on a very nice long floral top that was almost a mini-dress by itself. 'There's hope,' I thought. Kath said a cab would be there any time to pick us up, and sure enough a minute later we were on our way. "Where to, ladies?" asked the driver. When Kath gave the address, I thought it sounded familiar, but couldn't remember where I'd heard it. "Where are we going?" I asked. "If you must know, it's a real dive - all I can afford on my budget." "I guess that means I need to shut my mouth and find out when we get there," I laughed. We pulled up in front of the same restaurant we'd gone out to after my Pocahontas recital. "Kath, you should've told me we were coming here - what if Chelsea's working tonight?" "I'm counting on it," Kath said as she paid the driver. She took my hand and led me inside, right past the girl who should have been seating us, and around a corner to ... "Oh my God!" I said out loud as I spotted all our drama friends at a big table - with Chelsea standing next to them! They all launched into a bastardized version of 'Happy Birthday' that they must have rehearsed, and then pointed to the chair they expected me to sit in, where a pile of cards awaited me. "You guys ... I can't believe it!" I cried. "Kath, you rat - how could you do this to me?" But inside I was thrilled - my friends cared enough about me to throw a party. That was until Doug spoke up. "Aw, don't take it personally Sandy - you know us, any excuse for a party! You're just tonight's excuse!" Jaclyn, who was obviously a good shot, nailed him in the side of the head with the cherry from her drink. But I could tell it was all in good fun, so I just settled in to enjoy myself, even though I felt way overdressed. Chelsea was next to me in an instant, and I found myself standing to give her a hug. "Y'all still don't look much like a boy," she smiled as she looked me over. "More like a homecoming queen." Then she brushed my hair back a bit and exclaimed, "Pierced ears! Now everything's perfect." "She's learned her lesson," Kath laughed. "And I won't use the men's room," I promised. "Sandy, that dress is fabulous on you," said Jaclyn, "do you think I could borrow it sometime?" "And look at those nails!" gushed Cindy. "You must have spent all day on them." "I like her hair," said Mark. "Very classy, if you ask me." "I'm still wondering where she got the big boobs!" said Doug, who immediately ducked to avoid getting hit by fists and flying food items. That was kind of how the evening went - everyone alternately praising and roasting me, Chelsea included. I had to admit, being the center of attention was infinitely better than being ignored like I was at the prom. But I was a boy then, and now I was a girl. Was a change of sex all it took to be popular? I wondered. Or was it simply because my friends knew I was different - a plain, ordinary boy transformed into a pretty girl - and that's what they found interesting about me. Whatever it was, I now knew beyond any doubt that they all accepted me as a girl, even when I showed up dressed to the nines like I was that evening. At one point the conversation turned to what everyone was doing for the summer. Most people had summer jobs and some had to work seven days a week to earn money for college tuition. Others had weekends or certain weekdays off. I learned that Mark and Ben were both working for Mark's father's company, doing product assembly in the factory. They only worked four days a week, but ten-hour days. They said they planned to do a lot of hiking on their days off. "Sandy and I like hiking," volunteered Kath. "More like walking and running," I corrected. "We've done some short hikes in city parks though." "Why don't you join us on a REAL hike?" Ben asked. "We're going out to a state park on Friday. Do you have the day off?" Kath and I looked at each other. "I think so," she said. We have a catering gig on Saturday, but Friday should be no problem." She looked at me for my approval. "So what kind of hike are we talking about?" I asked nervously. "Well, you might not want to wear that dress," Mark laughed. "Shorts, T-shirt, runners, that kind of thing. And you'll need a day pack with lunch and water." "It's about a four or five-hour hike," Ben said. "Mostly in the forest, some ups and downs, but not too bad. What do you say, are you coming?" Kath and I looked at each other again. "I'm game," she said, "and so's my friend. C'mon Sandy, it'll be good exercise." "I just don't want to hold everybody up - you guys are a lot taller than I am." "Not to worry, Sandy," said Mark. "We never leave anyone behind. You can ride on my shoulders if you get tired." That sounded interesting. "Okay, count me in," I said. "But if I get eaten by a bear I'll never speak to you again!" Where had I heard something like that before? ***** Later, after Mark had driven Kath and I home, the two of us sat outside on my front porch enjoying the warm evening breeze. It felt quite sensuous as it played with my hair and caressed my bare legs under my dress, and it put me in the mood to ask Kath about my situation. "Why do you think everyone accepts me dressed like this?" I asked. "I don't get it." "If you mean all the people at the restaurant tonight, I do have some theories," Kath replied. "First, they're all young people and they say our generation is a lot more liberal than the older ones. Supposedly we don't have a problem with gay people, not that you're gay or anything, but we're very accepting of different lifestyles." "That makes sense," I agreed, "but, like, it goes beyond acceptance. I feel like they're encouraging me to be who I want to be." "I think you could be right. But don't forget, you make it easy for them. If you were a 250-pound linebacker in a dress, they'd think you were a total pervert. But you're more feminine-looking than most real girls, you know ... in every possible way - well, except maybe for one, which nobody can see anyhow. So you're totally believable. That makes it easy for everyone to root for you." I pondered Kath's infinite wisdom for a minute. "Maybe that's why Mark seems to like me better as a girl. Maybe it's less confusing for him. I dunno." "Maybe you should just ASK him." "As if I'm going to do THAT," I laughed, shaking my head. "That's waaay too scary." To be continued ....