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My Wonderful Obsession Part 9: A Romantic Adventure The blossoms were out in full force, so that meant it was time for Mrs. White's ever-popular annual spring voice recital. But it was even more popular than normal this year, because a group of parents had got their way and we were all performing songs from Broadway musicals. Everyone had to organize their own costumes and whatever props would be needed, such as chairs or tables. Mom found a pattern and helped me sew my Eliza Doolittle dress, and I learned a lot more about how to sew clothes in the process. We found some decent boots and a proper hat at a second-hand clothing store. I'd been rehearsing my song several times every night, often with Kath over helping with accents and choreography. My full-length mirror came in very handy to see it all evolve. The recital was always held at a local church, because the altar platform made a good stage. The church even had a few spotlights aimed where the pulpit usually stood, and there was a grand piano close by for the accompanist to use. We drove there with me fully dressed in my costume, makeup expertly applied by Kathleen to make me look unwashed but very innocent and girlish just the same. Walking into the church holding my skirts I was a little nervous, not just about performing, but because many parents might remember from past recitals that Sandy Johnson wasn't really a girl at all. There was bound to be some chatter when my turn came! At least I wasn't first - there were seven others before me, six girls and one guy. Mrs. White's students ranged in age from eleven to mid- thirties, so there was quite a diversity of ability. The audience was made up of friends and relatives of the performers, so after each number a chorus of cheering and clapping rose up from different areas of the room. Some of the older people were very good singers - could I come close to their level of performance? Soon I was nervously leaving my seat and making my way up the steps to the stage, holding my long skirts up in front so I wouldn't trip. Positioning myself in the light at the center of the stage, I noticed Phil and Natalie sitting in the middle row of pews, with Kath seated next to her Mom two rows ahead of them. And there was Julia and Mrs. Taylor off to one side - 'When did they come in?' I wondered. Then, taking a deep breath, I nodded to Don, our accompanist at the piano, and started speaking the first lines as he began playing, trying my best to do the East London accent that Kath had taught me: "It's rather dull in town; I think I'll take me to Paree. Mmmmmm. The mistress wants to open up The castle in Capri. Me doctor recommends a quiet summer by the sea!" Then the actual song began, "All I want is a room somewhere, Far away from the cold night air, With one enormous chair, Aoww, wouldn't it be loverly?" Lots of choc'lates for me to eat, Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat ...." Thank God I rehearsed the song so much - it was hard enough to remember all the lines, expressions and body movements together as it was. But thank God my voice held up perfectly and halfway through, I knew I'd nailed it! All too soon the song came to an end, and picking up my skirts I made a deep curtsy, then gestured towards my accompanist, as the applause and cheers came. Mrs. White's face told me all I needed to know, if I didn't already - my performance was one of the best so far. Back at my seat, Kath and Mom leaned over to congratulate me. What an exhilarating feeling! I barely paid attention to the rest of the performers, and when the recital ended everyone rose from their seats and retreated to the foyer to mingle and chat. So many people came over to me to say hello and offer their congrats for my performance! I was as gracious as I could be under the circumstances, not being sure who knew I was a boy and who didn't. Well, one lady certainly knew, because she told me I was completely believable singing as a woman. She even gave me some more suggestions for female songs, but I was so blown away by the whole experience that I promptly forgot all of them! Soon it was just our little group of eight, and Mom offered to have everyone over to the Johnson house for a short visit. When we got home I immediately excused myself and went to change into boy clothes, and I removed all traces of my makeup job before re-joining the others. When I returned, I could tell from the smile on Julia's face that she approved, but everyone else seemed a little disappointed. Phil was the first to speak. "Hey, what happened? I was just getting used to having a bag lady around instead of a brother!" Typical. He got an elbow in the ribs from Natalie for that crack. Mrs. Thomas spoke up next, winking, "Yes, dear, that was a whole new side of you I hadn't seen before. I think I like you in a dress!" Kath and I exchanged glances - 'If you only knew,' I thought. The Taylors were completely silent, thankfully, but they did look a little uneasy. Mom then cleared her throat and offered tea and goodies to our guests, and the rest of the visit went by without too many digs at poor little Sandy, who after all was only trying to give everyone his best at the recital. Well, maybe there was more to it than that ... ***** The spring dance was held in late May. Julia and I agreed that we wouldn't go as a couple like we did in ninth grade, because Kath had decided to go as well this year. I think Julia was a little miffed, but I tried to smooth things over by offering to spend more time with her and do some real dating, at least after I turned sixteen and was allowed to! The dance was huge fun anyway - I wore my suit, even though the pant legs were a bit shorter, and Julia wore a new dress she'd bought, since now she was a little taller and thinner. She had her hair done again, except now it was a decent length, and she even had her makeup done nicely again. Was she trying to look her best to attract me? If that's what she was up to, it worked, especially since Kath had made very little effort to look pretty - no makeup, no dress, just plain old Kath. We solved the problem of who danced with whom by doing the faster dances in a big group of friends, but I ended up doing most of the slow dances with Julia, and only a couple with Kath, who I thought felt awkward slow dancing with me. But it was me who had trouble slow dancing with Julia. Her scent was so intoxicating, her eyes were so adorable, and I loved the smooth feel of her curvy body through her beautiful clingy dress. More than once, when our bodies were pressed together, she commented on the hard lump she felt against her abdomen. I found myself wondering how I could ever want to be a female myself, when I could be the boyfriend of a REAL girl like Julia! ***** A couple of weeks after school ended, Mom asked me if I thought it was time to get my hair cut. Summer vacation had arrived, and I'd only been getting it trimmed since my last big cut almost a year earlier. She wondered if, since I was turning sixteen in just over a week, I'd like something a bit more appropriate for summer. Mom was going to Turning Heads for one of her regular appointments that day, so she offered to get me booked in. Little did I know, that was to be the start of the most amazing birthday I ever had. Mom drove me to Turning Heads a couple of days later, and before I got out of the car she looked me in the eye and said, "Sandy, this will be my treat today. It's part of a birthday surprise, so I'd like you to just go along with everything, okay? I promise you'll have fun." I was a little mystified about what was going on, but I just shrugged and replied, "Okay Mom, see you soon." Karen greeted me at the front counter and led me to the back of the salon. I started with the usual wash, but instead of the expected blow-dry and cut, Karen wrapped my hair around big rollers and applied a smelly goo over them with a brush. When I asked what she was up to, Karen replied, "It's a perm, of course." Then she covered the whole works with clear wrap and got me to follow her to another, more private room. "Sandy," she said, "Your Mom told me I should do a little hair waxing if it's okay with you. " Waxing! "Uh, I guess so. Where do you need to do it?" "Okay, take off your shirt lay down here on this table. I'll take a look and see where you need some help." I reluctantly did what she asked, and she looked at my chest for a moment with one eyebrow lifted. Then she raised one of my arms to look under it, and ran a hand over my legs and knees. "Well, you haven't got much hair on your body, but your underarms could use some attention, and a little on your knees and lower legs. Are you okay if I do that? Your Mom said it's up to you." I thought about it for only a moment - there was no harm in losing a little body hair, it'd grow back anyway. "Sure, I guess it's okay." Karen got right to work, and I have to admit there are less painful ways to lose hair. But none that give you such perfect results! When she was all done she rubbed some nice-smelling oil over the silky smooth skin on my legs, and then led me back to the chair at the sink, where she rinsed the goo out of my hair and removed the rollers. Soon I was sitting upright and watching in the mirror as my now-curly hair was being cut and styled. 'Oh my God,' I thought - 'does this ever look pretty ... pretty feminine, I mean'. Even with no makeup on, I didn't look remotely male. I barely heard Karen's voice, which was usually chattering with other women in the shop, when she casually asked me, "Sandy, your Mom told me I could pierce your ears if you wanted me to." "Uh, what?" I snapped out of my reverie. "Did you say pierced ears?" Karen nodded, "Uh-huh." I was silent for a while, contemplating this scary new opportunity, and then said "Um, no, I don't think I'm ready for that. Maybe another time. Is that okay?" Karen chuckled and replied, "Sure, honey, you're the boss. I'm actually kind of amazed how much you let me do with you already." The she leaned closer to whisper "But you do make a very beautiful girl. Anytime you need some extra help, you know where to find me." Yet another supportive, understanding female in my life, I thought. I was so lucky! "So you don't think I'm kind of weird for doing this?" I prodded, wondering how she'd answer. "Sandy, I've been looking after your Mom for at least ten years, and there isn't a single thing she hasn't told me about her family. I probably know more about you than anyone else. You have no idea how much your Mom loves you - and all she ever wanted was for you to be happy. That's why you're here today - she knew you wanted to be accepted as a girl, even if it's only for a small part of your life. But I'll tell you something, Sandy Johnson," she said with a wink, "you've got genetics on your side. Your mother's one of the most beautiful women that ever walked through that door. And you look just like her ... you really should have been a female. But if you decided to live as a girl, no one would ever guess you weren't born that way." Karen finished arranging my stylish tresses, and as she was removing my cover-up, said, "Remember, honey, just give me a call whenever you need some T.L.C. - I'd love to be able to look after you." I thanked Karen sincerely and made my way to the front, where Mom was already waiting for me. The look on her face said everything - Mom was, quite obviously, thrilled to have a daughter and she was making the most of it. Little did I know at that moment, how far Mom was about to go to help me make the most of my adventure in girlhood. ***** Four days before my birthday, Mom came into my room early and sat on my bed while I was still asleep. I awoke to find her stroking my hair. "Hi Mom, what's up?" I asked in a groggy voice. "Alexandra, it's time to get up. I have a little surprise for you." "What kind of surprise? You mean like breakfast in bed or something?" I wondered what the occasion was. "Oh, just a little trip you and I are going on. Our plane leaves at noon, so you need to get dressed and pack some clothes." I sat bolt upright. "Where are we going? Wait, you called me Alexandra - how come?" Mom gave me the biggest loving smile ever. "'Cause we're going to Disneyland on a mother-daughter trip for your birthday! And you're going to be Alexandra the whole time, so you only need to pack your girls' clothes and whatever else you need, like makeup." I threw my arms around her, almost pulling her down on the bed. "Mom, I can't believe it - we're going to have a fantastic time!" Mom had obviously taken the idea of a mother-daughter retreat to heart, and now she was going to get her wish - lucky me!! I pulled my suitcase out of the closet, put it on my bed and started piling clothes in it. That didn't take too long, though, since I didn't have much in the way of summer girl things in the first place. 'Maybe we'll get to shop', I thought hopefully, 'I've got lots of space in this suitcase.' For traveling I chose a one-piece sleeveless cotton print dress I'd bought on one of my outings with Natalie, and a pair of beige leather flats with straps across the top. Then I brushed out my hair and put on some makeup. 'Makeup case!' I remembered, so I grabbed my small travel case and put everything I thought I'd need into it. But it was full before I packed things like my hair brush and nail polish remover, so I transferred most of my stuff into the larger one and just packed things like lipstick and nail enamel in the small one, dropping it into my shoulder bag. 'I've never traveled as a girl,' I thought - 'better double check that I have everything'. We were all set to go with two hours to spare. Mom had asked Phil to drive us to the airport, but Natalie was visiting and she wanted to tag along, so the four of us set off in Mom's car. Phil drove and I sat in the back with Natalie, which was just fine with her since she got to give me her take on the trip. "Oh, Sandy, I'm so jealous! My Mom would never have done this with me. You're going to have the best time in the world. Will you promise to call me and tell me how you're doing?" "I promise," was my honest reply. "But you should be going, not me. After all, we're talking California, and you're the picture-perfect California girl with that gorgeous blonde hair." "No, no ... you should definitely be going - I just wish I was going with you!" Phil chimed in from the front seat, "No you don't, Nat - remember, you've got me all to yourself for the next few days." Mom's turn: "Maybe we SHOULD take her - I don't trust you without me around as a chaperone." We all had a good laugh over that one, all except for Phil, perhaps. At the curb in front of the terminal, Mom and I said our goodbyes, and I saw Mom whisper something to Natalie, who then smiled and nodded in reply. Phil came over to wish me safe travels, but before he could say anything I gave him a big hug and a kiss on his cheek. 'What made me do that?' I wondered. But when I hugged Natalie it felt more natural, and I told her how much I loved her. Then Mom and I went inside, got into the check-in line, and in no time we were through security and waiting at the gate for boarding. Mom, who was always a nervous flier, thumbed absent-mindedly through a home decorating magazine. I hadn't thought to bring anything to read, so I decided to spend the time sprucing myself up a little more. My nails definitely needed some help, and I had everything I needed in my small makeup case, so I set to work. Fifteen minutes later I had perfectly shaped hot pink nails with a coat of glossy sealer on them. A quick pre-flight trip to the women's restroom resulted in matching lips, but my toenails would have to wait till we got to California. After we boarded and got settled into our seats, I asked Mom what she had said to Natalie. "Oh, I just reminded her about a little agreement we made ..." "What kind of agreement?" I inquired. "If you must know, it's about keeping your brother out of trouble. That's all." She didn't seem eager to elaborate, so I guessed that she'd made some deal with Natalie to prevent Phil from taking advantage of our absence by enjoying five straight days of wild uninhibited sex with his girlfriend. I knew Natalie wanted to save herself for marriage, but you know what guys can be like! Fortunately for Mom, our flight was smooth and uneventful, and in a few short hours we were on the Disney shuttle bound for Anaheim. Check-in at the Disneyland Hotel was a treat - we got a very friendly guy and he told us excitedly that since we were there for my sixteenth birthday, we'd been upgraded to a nicer room with a view of the Park. I was thinking, 'Does it get any better than this?' But it did! He also gave us our park passes, and handed me a name tag to wear, telling me to keep it on wherever I went on the property, and that I'd find out why. Of course, our room was extremely nice - two queen-size beds and a sitting area with couch, chair and table. The bathroom was huge, with separate sinks and mirrors so that two people could get ready at the same time. Perfect for us! And there was a sliding glass door leading onto a balcony, from where we could see almost the entire Disneyland park. We unpacked our stuff, and then made plans for our five-night stay while I did my toenails. It was late afternoon by the time we were ready to head out, so we decided to take a shuttle bus to a nearby mall for some much needed shopping. It felt a bit odd at first, shopping with Mom for women's things, but soon I got into it and we had a really good time. First we stopped at a cosmetics shop, where Mom bought me a small bottle of perfume, then we visited a few clothing stores. We both helped each other with opinions and suggestions, and before long we each had a couple of new summer dresses (including a very beautiful one for me that I'll describe later), and I had a new pair of white jean shorts, a white jean skirt, and three very cute short sleeve peasant-style tops. I also got a pair of cute dressy sandals that would show off my toenails, and some decent walking shoes as well. Oh, and I hadn't packed my pajamas so I bought myself a couple of thigh-length sleeveless cotton-blend nighties, a pink one and a blue one (they'd be better for the warm months anyway, I thought). But Mom insisted on also buying me a pair of very pretty white strappy dress shoes with three-inch heels which she said I would need to go with one of my new dresses, and a small matching purse. I must admit, parading around the shoe store, trying on several different styles, and seeing my painted toenails peeking out, was a thrill I'll never forget. Being a girl was so much fun, I never wanted it to end! Mom insisted on paying for everything, since the trip was supposed to be my birthday treat. Back in our room we tried some mix-and-match combinations with our new clothes. I even tried on one of Mom's new dresses for a kick, and it fit me just fine, even though I was two inches taller than her. At times it was almost surreal, both of us standing in front of the other in our underwear. I'd never seen Mom like that and I'd certainly never let her see me like that before! I hoped she wouldn't notice how my body was changing - my high, narrow waist and rounder hips for example. But I almost let her catch a glimpse of my growing breasts while I was changing bras. Close call! I really didn't want to have to explain that, at least not yet. Mom may or may not have noticed my body, but I found myself glancing at hers a lot. I thought she had a great figure - she had that classic hourglass shape, with a perfectly formed derriere, a narrow waist, and breasts that were quite full for a woman of Asian heritage (thank the American half of her genetic makeup, I thought with a smile). As I admired her body, I remembered what Karen at Turning Heads had told me about inheriting my Mom's looks, and wondered (or maybe hoped?) if I'd inherit her shape, too. The next morning we got up early for breakfast, which was super-easy with the three-hour time change! It was going to be a hot day, so I chose my new white skirt and one of my new peasant tops with a colorful floral pattern, short puffy sleeves and a huge open neckline. We both wore white sneakers and ankle socks. As we headed into the park for a day of fun, I quickly discovered why I'd been asked to wear my nametag - every Disney 'cast member' we encountered greeted me with a 'Happy Birthday, Alexandra!' and laid on extra-good service. I loved it! One side benefit, if I can call it that, was when a cast member greeted me, everyone close by turned to see who the birthday girl was. That included a lot of teenage boys who gave me big smiles and added their own birthday greetings. I also heard a lot of "Can I come to your party, Alexandra?" Mom seemed very amused by the attention I was getting. "Remember, Alexandra, no dating boys - you're not sixteen yet!" she teased. I don't know how many times we did all the rides in our first three days at Disneyland - it must have been hundreds. My fave was Splash Mountain, partly because the big splash at the bottom was so refreshing after standing in a hot lineup, and also 'cause I got to scream like a little girl on the way down! But by the third afternoon, which happened to be my actual birthday, we were both nearly done in. So we trudged back to our room around two-thirty for a much needed afternoon nap. Both of us had to shower off sunscreen and sweat from the hot, sunny day. With the air conditioning on and curtains pulled shut, we crashed for a couple of hours of beauty sleep before our big night out. I awoke to Mom giving me a little shake. "Alexandra, I'm out of the shower now - your turn." Happily, the warm shower water woke me up. I spent extra time washing my longish hair and applying conditioner. After drying off and spraying on some fragrance, I put on my 'bulge eliminator,' then a pair of lacy white panties and a loose fitting tee- shirt to cover my chest. I spent a long time fussing with my hair with the blow dryer and brush to get the maximum volume. What a mass of nice wavy curls I had! Mom helped me put my hair up, attaching a big white hair clip at the back. Next came my makeup job! I spent as long as I dared on my face, carefully applying my cosmetics the way Natalie had shown me, until I thought I had just the right dramatic effect for a nice girls' evening out. Now for the pi?ce de resistance - the beautiful white summer dress that we'd just bought. It was simply amazing - made of a silky cotton blend, not overly frilly, but very elegant and dressy, yet casual at the same time. It was sleeveless with very thin 'spaghetti' straps, mostly backless, and the front had a very pretty 'sweetheart' neckline that would have exposed a little cleavage, if I had any to expose. The dress buttoned at the back and was fitted from the waist up, but fell in a flouncy white eyelet skirt from there to the scalloped hemline, which was about four inches above my knees. And it was lined in a very thin, opaque white satiny material, so a slip wasn't needed. I didn't have to wear a bra with this dress either, since it had one built-in, with a bit of padding to give my small breasts some much-needed help. What a perfect dress for an evening out in ninety-degree weather! The last task was applying lipstick - my favorite hot pink shade but with a little gloss to add some pizzazz! Gazing at my reflection in the mirror, I thought I looked exactly like one of the teen models I had seen in those department store catalogs, maybe even better! My dark wavy hair was so pretty, thanks to Mom and Karen. And my natural olive skin tone, now even darker from being out in the sun, made a nice contrast with the white dress. Mom could hardly say a word, and neither could I! One last thing - I found my new white heels and sat down to put them on. If I didn't feel insanely feminine before, I sure did now - seeing my glossy pink fingernails and toenails while doing up the straps of those pretty shoes was almost too much! Calming myself down a bit, I took a minute to appreciate how nice Mom looked. She also had on a sleeveless dress, only hers was white with wide, vertical pink stripes and a V-shaped neckline that showed off some real, honest-to-goodness cleavage. 'That I would LOVE to inherit,' I thought again, and not for the last time. Mom's shoes were similar to mine, and I noted that her hair, makeup and nails were perfect, as always. She looked at me with raised eyebrows, and said, "All set, Alexandra?" I nodded, so we grabbed our purses, checked each other one last time, and left the room. "We're going back into the park for dinner," Mom told me as we rode the elevator down. "We have a reservation at a nice little restaurant I saw on our first day there." She glanced down at my feet. "Do you think you can walk that far in those?" "Well to tell you the truth I've never worn heels like these before, so I guess I'll find out. I might need pointers from you, though." Mom was wearing a pair of white pumps - her favorite dress shoe - and her heels were even taller than mine! Mom smiled and said, "I think you'll do fine - just don't try and walk too fast." I was extremely careful walking through the hotel lobby - lots of eyes were following Mom and me, and I didn't want to give them the wrong kind of show! Soon we were breezing through the front gates, and the attendants all said "Good evening, ladies!" and the by-now-familiar "Happy birthday, Alexandra!" There was a sign that read "Where dreams come true," and I smiled at the thought of how amazingly accurate that statement was! At the first intersection after Main Street we turned left into Adventureland, and soon we were passing a long line-up for Pirates of the Caribbean. We ducked into a little side street just beyond that in the New Orleans themed area, then came to an arched opening with a sign that read 'Blue Bayou Restaurant'. "Here we are," said Mom. A lot of people were waiting for tables, but thankfully Mom's reservation got us in right away. We followed the maitre-d' to a dimly lit table for two overlooking what I thought was a swamp with mangrove trees and moss hanging from branches. There was a small wooden shack nearby with an animatronic old man playing a banjo in a rocking chair, and you could hear the sounds of crickets and other creatures of the night. The maitre-d' held our chairs out for us one at a time, and as I sat I made my best show of smoothing out my skirt and crossing my legs the way Natalie had taught me. Then I looked at Mom with a big smile and said, "This is a very 'rotic' evening, you know ..." "Rotic?" Mom repeated. "What do you mean?" "It's romantic without the 'man' part. It's a word Kath invented." Mom's face lit up as she laughed. "Yes, it IS romantic ... I mean rotic. It's a good thing we can have a romantic time without men. I suppose that's one advantage to being female." "One MORE advantage," I corrected, as I looked over the menu. "I'm beginning to think there are a LOT of advantages." We chatted for a while about what we considered romantic, ordering our drinks and appetizers in between. I told Mom that to me it had very little to do with people being in love. I thought it was all about wonderful, memorable places and experiences in life, and being able to be spontaneous - just like this vacation! She seemed to agree with me, since she was nodding a lot, so I went on. "I think the idea of going on an adventure is the most romantic thing in the world," I said. "I don't just mean a big trip or doing dangerous stuff like mountain climbing." "Some people would think those things are quite romantic," Mom suggested. I thought about that for a moment and nodded, saying "Yeah, I could see that, I guess. I've never done either so I can't really say. But what I mean is kind of like what I'm doing right now." Mom leaned closer, listening intently. "Go on," she encouraged. I wasn't exactly sure how to put this. 'Here goes,' I thought. I gestured with both index fingers at my hair, my face and my clothes, then with both hands at our surroundings. "Well, Mom, for me this is all such a huge, huge adventure. It's like a dream, doing things I never imagined I could do, being someone I never thought I could be ... and I don't want to wake up. How much more romantic can it get than this?" Mom was quiet for a minute as our drinks and appetizers arrived, and we ordered our main courses. Then she gazed at me with a familiar look of concern in that beautiful face of hers, and said, "Alexandra, I'm so glad you're enjoying our trip. When I heard that woman at the ladies' retreat speak about bringing her daughter here for her sixteenth birthday, I realized how much I wanted to do the same thing with you. But you have no idea how much I stressed about whether it was the right thing to do. I'm still very worried that all this might harm you in some way. Or that it could ruin our relationship. If anything happened I could never forgive myself for encouraging you to do this." "Mom, I've said it before - this is who I am. I mean, I'm Alexander, or Alexandra ... the same person. I know I've always been part boy and part girl. This trip has only made me realize how much I love that aspect of who I am. I know all kinds of people who seem to hate who they are, so that makes me very lucky, doesn't it?" Mom silently nodded, so I continued. "Anyway, I still think my days as a girl are numbered. When I'm twenty I won't be able to pull off an outfit like this, and even if I could, my voice would give me away for sure. So I promised myself I'm going to make make it a big romantic adventure while I can. Mom, like, this trip is so perfect - I get to spend tons of quality time with you, have lots of fun, and the best thing is, I get to be your daughter the entire time. It's the best gift in the whole world!" Mom digested my explanation for a minute while picking at the appetizers. "Sometimes I'm so confused, and I do feel guilty, "she confessed. "I love having you for a son, don't ever doubt that for a second, but you're also the daughter I always wanted. You're so perfect as a girl, I find myself wishing so much that you'd been born that way. I think it comes from my culture. Women in a Filipino family are so close, and they give each other so much support. I left all that behind when Dad brought me here, but I was sure I'd have my own girls to fill the vacuum one day. Except ..." She didn't finish the sentence, and she didn't have to. There were tears in her eyes. I felt like going over to give her a big huge hug. "Oh, Mom, you've got nothing to feel guilty about. You've done an amazing job raising me and Phil. You're like, my hero and role model, you know that don't you? And I know what you mean about being close and being supported. That's exactly how I've always felt you are with me. I'll always be there for you, too, even if I'm NOT always female. I can still be that kind of person, because that's who I am inside." Mom was obviously conflicted about how she related to me, but I knew down deep how much she loved me and I had no concern at all about it like some people I saw on TV or in movies that always seemed to have 'parental angst' issues. It was getting a bit too heavy and serious, so I decided we needed to get back into the 'celebrating' mood. "Mom, can we just enjoy the moment? - I'm having so much fun ... this is the best birthday ever! I want it to be like that for you, too." Her radiant smile returned, and she raised her glass, saying "To sweet sixteen, may it be the best year of your life ... so far, I mean." I raised mine and said, "To my Mom, who's the best Mom ever and my best friend too!" With that we clinked our glasses and set about enjoying the rest of the meal. Well, I did, at least until a crowd of servers showed up carrying a birthday cake with sparklers sticking out in all directions. Of course, everyone joined in singing happy birthday, and of course I turned beet red. Mom handed me an envelope in the midst of all the excitement, and when I opened it and read the inscription I almost started crying. It read, "Happy Birthday to my beautiful Alexandra. You have brought a flood of bright, warm sunshine into my life, and I love and cherish everything you are. Everything! Forever your devoted Mother XOXOXOXO" I guess that meant she wasn't kidding about what she said earlier, if I needed any more convincing. This time I did get up, and I gave her a hug and kiss, saying "I love you so much, Mom." We spent the rest of the evening strolling the park, chit-chatting and giggling about who knows what, I can't remember. The evening breezes were so warm and everything smelled so fragrant and wonderful ... and what a way to experience it all, wearing that pretty little white sleeveless dress and feeling ultra-feminine. So romantic ... I mean rotic! We stayed until the big nighttime show and fireworks display at Sleeping Beauty's Castle, which was totally amazing, and then started making our way back down Main Street towards the park entrance. Just then, there was a loud clap of thunder and in seconds rain was coming down hard. So we ducked into one of the shops and bought a folding umbrella, then resumed our journey back to the hotel, huddled under the umbrella with arms around each other's waists, giggling like we were both schoolgirls, instead of just one of us! But the rain was driving sideways and our clothes got wet anyway. When we finally entered the hotel lobby, I'm sure we looked like we'd been swimming in them. Back in our room, we had to help each other remove our clingy, wet dresses to avoid damaging them. I tried to keep my chest turned away so she wouldn't see that part of me, but the clammy padding had made my nipples stand erect and that made my breasts even more noticeable than usual. And Moms notice everything, don't they! "Sandy, your chest ... you have breasts! Let me look at you." She positioned me in the middle of the room and walked back and forth, looking closely at everything - and I mean everything. So awkward! All I had on was a damp pair of girl's panties (and the gaff underneath). "You don't look like a boy at all. When we were walking back here I had my hand on your waist, and I thought you were curvier than you should be. But I had no idea you were growing breasts! How long have you had them?" "Uh, almost a year I guess," I replied. "I was surprised when they started to grow too, Mom. But I don't mind having them - and I know I can get them reduced anytime I want. But I don't want to yet ... um, how do I say this? It's just that I'm really enjoying being a girl, and having breasts makes me feel more like a girl. Does that make any sense?" Mom looked me in the eye as I was speaking, her lips pursed into a thin smile. I couldn't tell if she was happy or angry with me. Then she said, "Let's put our nighties on and we'll talk." A few minutes later we were both sitting comfortably on our beds facing each other. "Okay Alexander," Mom began, using my real name, "You haven't been totally upfront with me, have you? Remember I said you could tell me anything? I meant it!" I felt awful. She was right - there were lots of things about my girl transformation that I kept from her. "You're right, Mom. I'm sorry I didn't confide in you. I guess I was kind of caught up in everything that was happening and I thought you might try to stop me from doing ... certain things that I really wanted to keep doing." "What kinds of things? Do you mean dressing like a girl to work for the Taylors? I was supportive of that, wasn't I?" "Yes, I know, we already sorted that out a long time ago. Actually ... well, it's a bigger deal than that, it's ..." Mom cut me off. "It's about the pills, isn't it?" I nodded while staring at my bare legs. She asked softly, "Do you think the pills did this to your body?" I nodded again. "Hmm ... you know, Sandy, I didn't imagine they could do this. There's not that much hormone in them. Frankly, I was surprised that they got rid of your acne so well." "Mom, they actually CAN change a boy's body to look like a girl's. I read that a while ago." "Then why didn't you stop taking them? Did you want to turn into a girl?" That was a big question, one that I still couldn't answer truthfully, even to myself. "I don't know, Mom, honest, I don't. I feel really stupid about everything, that's all I know for sure right now." Mom looked like she was contemplating something, and then she said, "You don't need to feel stupid about anything, honey. But I think we should talk about this some more tomorrow. It's our last day, so why don't we take a taxi to one of the beaches, then we can go for a nice long walk and chat at the same time." My mood brightened instantly. "We could do that? Wow, I'm all for it!" Then I remembered something - "Mom, I don't have a girl's bathing suit!" "Maybe we can find something for you in one of the shops downstairs. Let's have a look when we go for breakfast." After I climbed into bed, I laid awake for more than an hour reliving the magical day that was my sixteenth birthday. 'Sixteen!' I thought, 'it's a milestone for me'. Like a turning point, the start of a new chapter. Things began to get a lot clearer in my mind, and I fell asleep deliriously happy. ***** Amazingly, we did find 'something' - a nice one-piece bright yellow bathing suit that fit me like a glove - and it even had padding for my little boobs, too! I bought a white cotton wrap to go with it, because I was a little nervous about walking around everywhere with my crotch area in full view, even with the gaff in place. Mom and I got ready in our room - bathing suits on, hair clips in place, and makeup (naturally). Mom had a cloth beach bag with a decent shoulder strap, so we didn't have to take purses - just a wallet, and sunglasses, sunscreen, a towel and long-sleeve shirts in case the weather turned cooler. Then it was off to the beach! The taxi ride took nearly half an hour to get us to Huntington Beach. It was amazing! The beach was huge and it seemed to go on forever in both directions. There were tanned, attractive people everywhere we looked. The air was a bit cooler than Anaheim, but still about eighty and not a cloud in sight. Perfect! Mom and I stopped at a bench to remove our sandals and put sunscreen on, then we set off across the warm sand to the water's edge and started strolling along, letting the waves swirl around our feet as we went. It was like heaven for me - I'd never been to a beach like this before! I tied the wrap around my hips and let the sun do its work on me! We passed lots of young guys as we walked, some with surfboards, some playing Frisbee, and some just swimming or laying on the sand. It seemed like every one of them was staring at me - I'm sure I stood out like a sore thumb with my bright yellow bathing suit, but it was hard not to imagine they found me attractive. That was definitely a strange feeling! Mom and I soon fell back into chatting about almost every topic and person you could imagine, but not the topic and person I was expecting to discuss. That happened later while we were seated in a small open- air cafe enjoying cold drinks and a bite of lunch. I decided to break the ice while Mom was looking over the check. "I think I'm ready to talk about what you asked me last night," I said. Mom raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?" I nodded, and she said, "Okay, let's go so we can talk privately." Soon my feet were back in the cool water. As we resumed our stroll, I was more aware than ever of what I looked like - and felt like. "Mom," I said, taking her hand, "Last night at dinner I said I liked being part male and part female. But the truth is, I like the female part a lot better." "Is that why you kept taking the pills even though you knew they were changing your body?" "Well, that's kind of complicated, but I'll do my best to answer. In the beginning it was mostly about getting rid of zits, but remember, I also had that steroid cream from the doctor." "Yes, but it didn't work. That's why you begged me to get you the pills." "Mom, confession time ... it might have worked if I used it, but I never did. I was terrified about becoming more masculine." Mom's mouth was hanging open and her head was shaking back and forth slowly. "You didn't even try it? Oh my God, and I thought the pills were your last resort." I could tell she was having trouble digesting this piece of information. "Alexander, you deceived me - how could you do that?" "Mom, please - I've been wanting to come clean with you about this for a long time. I just couldn't do it. It's only now that I realize the truth." "And what's the truth?" "The truth is, I think I'm really a girl inside." There, I said it! "I think I've always been a girl inside. That's why I only have girlfriends. That's why I don't do guy stuff, like sports. I think spitting on the sidewalk is gross. I sit down to pee. Mom, that's why I've always loved being your helper and learning how to keep house. And look at me - there isn't much about me that looks male, is there?" "Are you sure you're not just having way too much fun pretending to be a girl? Lots of men are like that, you know." I hoped Mom was just playing devil's advocate with that question. "I know, I've read all about that stuff, but I know I'm a lot more than that. I was born like this, Mom. And I want my outside to match my inside!" Mom looked out to sea and said nothing for a while. Then she stopped walking and stood in front of me holding both my hands. "Sandy, listen to me. You're my son, even if you don't look like one right now. But I know you're also my daughter. I don't know why God decided to make you a girl inside and a boy outside, but He did and that's good enough for me." Mom let go of my hands and we started walking again. She went on, "Sandy, I told you how I feel guilty. Before you were born I prayed very hard that you'd be a girl. Sometimes I think my prayers were only half answered. I was a young, very immature mother when I dressed you up in those girls clothes - you were my little baby doll and I was determined to have my daughter one way or another. But your Dad's Mom talked sense into me and that was the end of that. It wasn't until you were a teenager that I realized you were still too pretty to be a boy." "So are you saying that you were still hoping I'd be a girl?" "Yes, Sandy ... every time you and I did something together that moms and daughters do, like baking or decorating, or when I helped you with you hair ... I found myself imagining that you really were my daughter. I wanted so much to be able to have that emotional connection that only happens between women." "But don't you think we have it anyway?" I asked sincerely, feeling a bit of her inner conflict. "Oh, I think we do now ... this trip has convinced me. But I'm a little wiser at my age, and I knew that it's only a matter of time before you became a man and everything changed. Or I thought it would be. You know, you're probably right, you've always been like a girl inside - but when you started looking like a girl outside, like all the times this year when you wore a skirt or dress and some makeup while you were getting ready to go to work or helping me in the kitchen - I just felt like I finally had the daughter I always wanted. Now can you see why I'm feeling guilty?" "If you mean you feel guilty because you've done something to encourage me to be like this, well you can forget that. The whole time I've been trying to be more like a girl, I was sure you'd be dead set against it. That's why I was keeping secrets from you. It's me that should feel guilty, Mom, not you." "Sandy, I hope you know I love YOU more than anything, and not because you're one sex or the other." "I've never doubted that for an instant, Mom. So are we okay about this now?" "Yes, if you're okay so am I. As long as everything's in the open between us. Deal?" "Deal," I responded, as I pulled off my wrap. "Now can we go in the water? I'm dying from the heat!" We were on a more deserted section of beach now, so Mom dropped her bag on the sand and we both ran into the waves, splashing each other and laughing and giggling. I was SO glad that we sorted everything out - now we could just enjoy the rest of our trip. Back in our hotel room later that afternoon, we cleaned up and put fresh clothes on to go out for our last night's dinner. Before leaving I kept my promise by phoning Natalie and giving her an abbreviated account of our activities. "I'm SO jealous!" she repeated. "Promise me you'll go with me some time?" I readily agreed and told her I needed to get going, but that I'd fill her in on all the details when we got home the next day. This time we took a taxi to a nice Mexican restaurant the concierge had recommended. I'd never eaten Mexican before, and it took a little getting used to, but by the end of the meal I decided it was my new favorite. I liked the decorating and atmosphere, but especially loved the romantic music, which was played by a small Mariachi band that toured around all the tables. I wondered if they thought Mom and I were Latino, with our dark hair and complexions made even darker by being out in the sun, because they kept coming back and playing more music and singing for us. Or maybe it was the nice tips we gave them! Who knows, and who cares? Their music was very romantic and they made us feel special, and that's all that mattered to me! Mom and I did most of our packing that night before going to bed. My suitcase wasn't half empty anymore, it was completely full! Afterwards, standing at the mirror in the bathroom removing my makeup and doing my teeth, I realized how much darker my upper body was from four days in the sun. Just then I thought of something - what did my chest and back look like? Pulling my nightie off, I saw what I was afraid I might see - a major swimsuit tan! 'Oh my God,' I thought, 'this is going to make swimming awkward back home!' Until my tan faded or evened out, I'd be swimming in girl mode or not swimming at all. I was sad to see the end of our Disney vacation. It had been more than wonderful, it was magical - and what's more, for the first time I felt some certainty about where I wanted to go in my life. But things had progressed so quickly in the two years since I turned fourteen, and sometimes I felt my life was like a car going downhill with no brakes. On the plane ride home, Mom and I had a row to ourselves, so we used the middle seat for our purses and other paraphernalia. We both wore new bright-colored sleeveless sundresses we'd bought in California, and on a whim I'd redone my toenails so I could show them off with my pretty new strappy sandals. We got extra-good service from the young male flight attendant! Mom and I passed the time chit-chatting while browsing through women's magazines. I had picked up a copy of 'Seventeen' at a newsstand in the L.A. airport. While I was reading articles like how to snare the right boyfriend, or checking out the latest in teen fashions, I noticed that Mom was silently following along with me. "I didn't know you were into teen magazines, Mom," I said casually. "See anything interesting?" "I was going to ask you the same two questions, honey," was her reply. "I know how much you like clothes, but I couldn't help but notice those 'boyfriend' articles you were reading. Is there something else you'd like to share with me?" I could tell by the tone of her voice that Mom was teasing. So I put on my best southern girly voice: "Oh dear, I've been found out. Bobby and I were going to elope next week! Now whatever will we do?" That was too much for Mom, who couldn't stop giggling for at least two minutes. When she finally regained her composure, she looked at me as sternly as she could under the circumstances, and stated, "If you ever elope I'll have to kill myself and I'll never speak to you again!" That mildly insane statement got both of us giggling. It felt just like one of my giggle-fests with Kathleen. And that's when I realized how my friendship with my mother had grown in just a few short days. When we both calmed down, I decided that now was as good a time as any to share some more. "Funny you should mention boyfriends, 'cause like, it's something I have thought about," I began. "I seem to attract a lot of stares from boys, have you noticed?" "Have I noticed!" Mom repeated, rolling her eyes. "I didn't say anything before because I didn't want to put you on the spot, but everywhere we went this week, boys were gawking at you. It's easy to see why - you're a very attractive girl." "Mom, do you really think so? But you got lots of stares from the grown-up guys too. I sure noticed those! I might look all right, but you're drop-dead gorgeous, Mom. And you're the real thing, too." Mom modestly laughed that one off. "Well, you know men ... anything in a skirt! So ... what about boys, Alexandra?" "Umm ... I haven't really done much thinking about that, but I know if I became a girl full time I'd want to do the things other girls do - like dating. It's a bit scary for me, though. I already don't relate to boys too well. And how would I tell them about my little secret?" "Well, I'm glad you're thinking about some of the issues you'd have to deal with. Being a female isn't all fun and nice clothes - most women don't think their lives are so wonderful at all. Finding the right man is nearly impossible these days, even for women who were born women. So many men are very self-centered, or rude, or unkind, or unromantic, or unfaithful ..." "Sounds a little depressing," I mused. "I hadn't thought of how hard it would be to find a good guy. And on top of that, a lot of guys look awful ... you know - how they dress, how they look after themselves ... or don't, I mean." "A lot of women fit that description, too. The problem is that most people don't realize how much their appearance can make a difference in their lives. But you don't seem to have that problem, honey." "Hah! You're so right - I have the opposite problem - I'm TOO obsessed my appearance. But like, I come by it honestly - if you weren't so perfect maybe I wouldn't be trying so hard to emulate you." Mom's eyes rolled. "Oh, so you think I'm perfect! If you only knew." She shook her head. "You're not trying me make me feel guilty again, are you?" I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "Never - if wanting to look after myself is the worst thing I inherited from you, I'll be one very happy camper!" That made her smile. "Which brings me to something I need to talk to you about, honey - what happens now that the pills are all gone." 'Oh-oh, we're getting real serious now,' I thought. Mom continued, "I can't get any more unless I go back to the doctor for a new prescription, and I'm not going to lie and tell him I need them when I don't." "Maybe you could get a new boyfriend? Then you wouldn't have to lie ..." I didn't sound serious because I wasn't. Mom picked up on that. "That would be nice, or maybe it wouldn't be," she laughed, "but I still wouldn't need the Pill unless I got married again. That's what I promised myself after the last time. But I want to know what you expect to do once your acne returns again, because I'm sure it will." "I know, that's been a bit of a dark cloud hanging over me lately. I kind of forgot about it, with this wonderful trip and all. Maybe if I stay out in the sun a lot I'll be okay, at least till the fall." "Well, I was thinking we need to see a doctor about your body, acne or no acne." "I was afraid you'd say that, Mom. I know you're right, but it's a very scary thing for me. I'd have to own up to everything, and I'd be in huge trouble." "I'll be in big trouble too .... don't forget, it was me who gave you those pills." "And I'm so happy you did," I stated forcefully. "There's no way I wanted to turn into a macho man - I would have hated myself. I just didn't know I'd look and sound like a girly-girl instead. But if I had to make a choice I know which one I'd pick, so I'm totally cool with what happened." "Well, we still need to do this. I'm going to make an appointment with Dr. Morris when we get back." "Mom - do we have to see HIM?" I asked. "Why can't we go to someone who doesn't know us?" "Because he's our family doctor and he has all our medical records, Alexandra. But he might refer you to someone who's more familiar with your situation." "Okay, you're the boss," I said, a little dejectedly. Then my mood brightened a little. "Maybe I can get my own prescription!" "Don't count on it, honey," she said solemnly, shaking her head. "Don't count on anything like that." The plane was coming in to land at the Cincinnati airport, so we had to get our stuff all put away in our carry-ons. Our 'heavy' conversation was over for the time being. Phil and Natalie were waiting for us in the baggage claim area. Phil was actually dressed nicely for once, and Natalie was her usual stylish self, dressed a lot like Mom and I. For a moment I imagined that neither one recognized me - I know I wouldn't have. Not only was I wearing a very feminine, sleeveless yellow print sundress, my wavy hair was put up nicely with a matching yellow ribbon, and my nails and makeup were perfect. Not to mention the super-duper beach tan I sported. I felt extremely pretty ... no, I felt amazing. How would they react, I wondered with trepidation? Natalie's face lit up like the sun when she saw me, but I can't say the same for Phil. He had that familiar confused look on his face - that was no surprise - I doubted he'd ever totally accept me like this. Mom went straight to Phil for a hug, and Natalie came straight over to me - I got a real girlfriend hug, the kind with the cheek kiss! "You look stunning, Sandy ... I mean Sandra!" she said. Now I know for SURE you should have been a girl. You could win Miss Teen America!" Phil came over to say hi, a little awkwardly I thought. "Hi Sis, how was your trip?" No comment on my appearance, thankfully. "Oh, Phil, it was the best time in my life. And don't I look so much older now that I'm sixteen?" "Well, pretty different, I'd say. I didn't recognize you! All I saw was this babe walking with my Mom. I was thinking of asking you, 'Who are you and what have you done with my little brother?'" All of us laughed at Phil's reasonable attempt at humor. Then Phil said, "So Nat and I were thinking we should all go out for a bite of dinner on the way home, that is, if you're both okay with that ... like, if you're not too tired or anything." Mom looked at me for approval, and I nodded - I was getting pretty hungry. "That sounds great, Philip - we're fine. You can choose where. Oh, there's our bags ..." ***** Phil and Natalie took us to a very nice Italian restaurant. The interior was wonderful - lots of brick and stone and wooden beams on the ceiling. Natalie said the decor was Tuscan, as was the food. I totally loved the place, especially the middle-aged male Italian waiters, all dressed in black suits, who seemed to visit our table every few minutes to joke with Phil about having three beautiful ladies all to himself. They laid the charm on extra-thick for the three of us, referring to Mom as 'bella signora,' and Natalie and I as 'bellas signorinas'. I have to admit I felt so special and feminine with the attention. No wonder Italian men are renowned for being the most romantic! The meal was very appetizing - served in three courses with lots of time in between to savor the food and have good conversation. After the second course, Phil said, a little unexpectedly, "So, Natalie and I have a little announcement to make." Mom and I looked at each other apprehensively - could it be what we think it might be? The two of them had moved their chairs closer together and Natalie looked very excited. Phil put his arm around her. "We're engaged!" he said, looking at her with huge affection. "Wow - congratulations!" Mom and I said, almost in unison. I was totally thrilled, and I got up and went to hug Phil, then Natalie ... and I got an extra-big hug back from her. "Looks like I might get my little sister after all," she whispered. "And I get a big sister - you!" I added. "How cool is that?" We all chatted about the big news for the rest of our stay at the restaurant. They said they were planning a date after Natalie's first year of college, and then they'd move in together, probably in married housing on campus or an apartment nearby. Mom did get a comment in about how young both of them were - just eighteen and nineteen - but how, if you're really in love and know you're right for each other, it's great to get a head start on your lives together. Anyway, they'd both be over twenty by their wedding date. Our waiters noticed our little celebration and made us tell them what it was about, which of course got them all excited too, and they insisted on pouring us some champagne, on the house, and singing a romantic Italian song about love and marriage. How fun! I guess I looked old enough to serve alcohol to, and nobody said anything, so I had my first taste of bubbly! 'Image that,' I thought to myself as I downed the last few drops, 'I get a big sister ... and not just any big sister, I get Natalie!' To be continued ....