My Wonderful Obsession 29 free porn video

My Wonderful Obsession Part 29: The Big Break-Up The following morning we all shared a quick cold breakfast and were out of the condo by nine. Our plane was due to leave around one that afternoon and Mr. M said he wanted to leave lots of time in case the roads were bad. Thankfully, there were only a few icy patches and even the flight home wasn't too frosty - Mark, Megan and I had a row of three seats and we let her sit by the window while Mark and I just read our magazines the whole way. Actually I wasn't exactly reading mine, even if it WAS my favorite teen girl's mag. It was all for effect, to avoid having another difficult conversation with Mark, while I pondered the direction my life had taken over the past year. And what a year 1998 had been! I still think it was one of the best years ever for me - after all, not only had I successfully transitioned from boyhood to girlhood, I got to do some totally amazing things in the process. Like shopping for and wearing lots of pretty clothes and makeup, taking modern dance classes, getting chosen to play a girl's part in a stage musical, and even scoring a dream job as a sexy waitress. And most significantly, beginning my first-ever love affair with a man and having the absolutely most romantic falling-in-love experiences to boot. Oh, and speaking of "boots" I can't forget to mention all the great outdoors stuff, like hiking and skiing. I must admit, having these thoughts made me feel plenty of warm fuzzies towards the guy seated next to me. But I still couldn't put Rob out of my mind. The thing was, he'd made me feel SO alive, SO special, and SO feminine - and so sexy too! Even more, I think, than I'd ever felt with Mark. I found myself wondering if it was because, as far as Rob was concerned, Sandy Johnson was a hundred percent female inside and out - and if that made him treat me better, or at least differently, than Mark did. Or maybe I just felt that he did. Whatever, I'd certainly reacted a lot differently to Rob's advances, knowing that they stemmed from a totally genuine attraction. And my reaction was to find him totally irresistible! And then I began to wonder about Mark. I thought of how he originally became attracted to me - way back when I was still living in boy mode. Oh sure, he enjoyed seeing me dressed up like a girl, behaving like a girl, and going on dates with him as a girl. But after our chairlift chat, it seemed to me what REALLY turned him on was that, under the skirt, the makeup, and the smooth feminine body, I was really just a boy like him. Why else would he object to my wish to become a real woman? Hadn't he come right out and said he liked me exactly the way I was? You know, at first that didn't strike me as being much different than what Kath had told me - that I should be able to carry on living my life as either a male or a female, however I felt on any given day. But now I could see the difference. Kath just had this utopian view of how the world should be, where it shouldn't matter how someone chose to live their life. Mark, on the other hand, was trying to influence me - he seemed to feel threatened by the possibility that I might go through with a sex change. At that point the warm fuzzies evaporated and in their place I felt annoyed, hurt, and even betrayed. How could the guy I loved turn on me and try to prevent me from achieving my greatest ambition - to become a complete female? Then some dark thoughts crossed my mind. Maybe Mark wanted me to be less of a girl - or even more like a guy - when I was out in public with him. Probably so other men wouldn't be attracted to me like Rob was ... or maybe so I wouldn't be inclined to flirt with them! Oh sure, I could be all girly and dolled up around his family - THAT was okay, 'cause he needed to have a ... 'Wait a minute,' I interrupted my own thoughts - 'Is Mark gay - or something? Is he just using me?' Almost instantly I felt my face flush and another of my familiar mini-panic attacks started to come on. I immediately unbuckled and excused myself to go the lavatory at the back of the plane, where I bolted the door and stood heaving over the sink. Then I looked up at the face in the mirror. It was a lovely, feminine face, I thought - not for the first time - despite the fact that it had a scared, even terrified look on it. It sported perfect eye makeup - expertly applied liner, shadow and mascara (but not too much - this was only a plane trip, after all), and it had a pair of luscious, glossy, pale red lips. The face turned and I saw the sparkle of a small faux- diamond earring peeking out from the mass of gleaming dark hair that would soon reach shoulder length. And I began to calm down as I felt my resolve deepen. ***** Mom, Phil and Natalie were waiting for me in the arrivals area when we got off the plane. I received major hugs from everyone and lots of questions about my vacation, but I had to ask them to wait till we were in the car. First things first - I had to give hugs to all the McCowans (yes, even Mark) and tell them as sincerely as I possibly could how it was the best vacation I ever had, and how incredibly grateful I was for their generosity, and how much I loved and appreciated my newly-learned skill. Which was all the absolute truth! When the Johnson clan was all loaded up and driving out of the parking lot I began to tell all - the trip, the condo, the ski lessons, the meals ... well, not ALL that went on - I figured the sex with Mark and my Rob crush were topics a little too hot to relate, at least to my family (Kath would be another matter altogether). Besides, I thought, I needed more time to sort my feelings out. ***** The day after we got home I had to go for one of my regular, but still dreaded, hormone injections. As she normally did after taking my measurements, Dr. Cooper took a few minutes to chat about my progress and ask if I was experiencing any side effects from the hormones, other than the obvious physical ones. And as usual, I tried to fib my way through the questions about my state of mind. Except this time she called me on that, and I realized she must have been comparing notes with Dr. Westerman, to whom I'd admitted I was experiencing PMS-like symptoms when I saw him just before Christmas. "Sandra, why didn't you tell me about this before?" she asked. "I need to know everything about how these treatments are affecting you." "I'm sorry, Dr. Cooper ... it's just that I want so bad to keep taking them, and I guess I was worried that you might tell me I had to stop ..." She had a look of concern on her face, but not annoyance. "I'm not going to stop your treatments, Sandra - at least not yet. Your body seems to be adjusting very well, but we have to pay close attention to your emotional state too. So I want you to be perfectly honest with me from now on. Do you understand, honey?" I nodded my agreement, feeling a bit sheepish but also kind of pleased that she'd called me 'honey' (for the first time!). That one simple word made her seem like someone I could totally confide in, and that's what I went ahead and did from that point on. ***** We'd been back home for three whole days and Mark had yet to call. And yes, I WAS upset. Upset with myself for being so reckless with our relationship, but also upset with my boyfriend for not calling me. For goodness sakes, I hadn't exactly had sex with Rob, had I? Okay, the thought had crossed my mind - more than once - but it's not like there was ever any danger of that happening. Mark of all people should have KNOWN that, I told myself. Why was he so pissed off with me, I wondered, feeling at least as pissed off at him. At least Kath was there for me. Thank God for best girlfriends! We got together three or four times that week, going for walks and to a movie together. And, of course, we TALKED. "So can you explain to me once again," she queried me sternly on one of our walks, "why you thought it was necessary to fall in love with some other dude?" I shrugged, "Oh Kath, come on - I didn't exactly fall in LOVE with Rob ... it's just that he was so great - like, he treated me exactly how I WANT a guy to treat me ..." "Oh yeah, don't tell me - like a princess, right?" "Okay, maybe ... but he was so cool, too - and funny, and smart. And I really liked his self-confidence." "So it didn't have anything at all to do with his looks." I giggled, "Oh NO - not at ALL! Well, unless you think Ben Affleck's good-looking ..." "Seriously? He looks like Ben Affleck?? Sandy, I LOVE that guy! Did he give you his number?" "Uh, as a matter of fact, no. So I guess it's all over ... good thing, too. I need to patch things up with Mark." "I should SAY. I don't get how you can juggle two guys. I have enough on my plate with my Ben." "So how IS everything going in Ben-land?" I asked, trying to set aside thoughts of Rob and Mark and give my best girlfriend's boyfriend issues some attention for once. Kath looked a little pensive as she replied. "Pretty good ... we had some nice times together over the holidays." Then she got theatrical: "My best friend went off and abandoned me, so I had to find solace in someone else's arms ..." That made me laugh. "I'm SO sorry, dearest Kathleen," I laid it on thick. "I hope mister Wright took excellent care of you while I was away." She perked right up. "He IS mister right, isn't he? And let's just say we took excellent care of each OTHER." "And exactly what's THAT supposed to mean, miss Thomas?" "Just what I said - we looked after each other's needs, that's all ..." I stopped dead in my tracks and grabbed her by the shoulders, putting my face close to hers and making eye contact. "Kathleen Thomas?" "Yes Sandy Johnson?" She had a smirk on her face. "Did you and Ben have sex?" When she averted her eyes toward the ground I had my answer. "You DID? Oh my God, you went all the way? How'd it happen? TELL me!" Kath, who was never at a loss for words, seemed to be having trouble speaking for once. "Uh, well ... it's kind of a long story ..." "I have PLENTY of time." "You couldn't handle all the gory details." "Try me!" "Well, okay ... it happened on New Year's eve ... we were hanging out all day, you know, going to a movie, that kind of thing. Then we went back to his place and, um, one thing led to another ..." "Where were his folks?" "Out shopping and visiting friends. They phoned and told Ben they wouldn't be home till nine or ten, so that meant we had, like, four or five hours, just the two of us." "Oh my GOD," I repeated, thinking of how MY New Year's eve went. "I was having a blast that day too. Just not the same kind you had ..." Kath giggled loudly. "Not too damn likely! And you even had TWO hunky guys - but not one single vagina between the three of you! Oh - I'm sorry, Sandy, I didn't mean ..." But I was giggling too. "It's okay - that's the funniest thing I ever heard! And don't you worry - I'll make up for it some day. But hey, I wanna know what it was like!" I linked my arm through hers and we resumed our walk. "I dunno," Kath hesitated, "aren't you a bit young for X-rated stories? Maybe I should wait till you're twenty-one ... I wouldn't wanna be responsible for corrupting you." "Just tell me what happened," I persisted. "After all, it's not like I can run right out and do what you did, can I?" "Good point," she said and proceeded to relate the whole thing, chapter, verse and chorus (I think that last part was the scream when Ben first penetrated her). Kath didn't seem the slightest bit ashamed of what she did - she was almost celebrating it as proof of her growing independence. But in spite of my amazement at her story, something was bugging me and I had to ask. "Umm ... so, like, what did you do about - you know, birth control?" Kath shrugged, which didn't strike me as a good sign. "Didn't exactly happen ... but I'm pretty sure I'm okay. My last period was just before Christmas, so there shouldn't be a new egg there yet, right? Oh, Sandy - we didn't mean to have sex, but you know how it is - you get so excited when you're so close, and it was such a long time since we had the chance to, you know ... be together, like, with our clothes off ..." It struck me at that moment that Kath was sharing with me just like I was her closest girlfriend. Even though she of all people knew I wasn't one at all. No wonder I loved her so much! "Yeah," I agreed, "I do know what it's like - sort of. But I'm really jealous that you get to go all the way. I want so badly to be able to do that with Mark ... maybe one day." "I really hope you can, Sandy," she said very sincerely. "It so amazing - you have no idea. The trouble is, now I wanna do it again, and again ..." "Hold on a minute!" I laughed. "First we need to talk about babies - I mean, like, how not to have them. So how come you're not on the pill?" She shrugged again. "Didn't think I needed to be. I wasn't exactly planning on having sex, you know." "Yeah, I know. But they say you never plan for it, it just happens. Which reminds me, what were you wearing that day?" "Wearing? You're such a fashionista, aren't you? Well, if you must know, I wore a knitted skirt. Dark green. Over my leggings - it was a bit chilly out." "I'm shocked. And did you have any makeup on?" "Yeah - just some mascara, a little eyeliner - the ones you gave me. Oh - and that lipstick too." "Wow - that's great, Kath. What did you do with your hair?" "I straightened it. I thought it went really well with my new tam." She was right - her hat, which she got for Christmas with a matching pair of gloves, was made of soft, off-white angora wool. She had it on that day and it was definitely the perfect accessory to her long, beautiful red hair. "Uh-huh! So I'm guessing Ben found you more than irresistible. Remember how I said you can really get a guy going if you doll yourself up a bit more than usual? Ta-da!" Kath arched an eyebrow as she appeared to consider my comment. "Could be ... I know how I felt that day ..." "Pretty?" She shrugged yet again. "Oh come on - admit it, you felt pretty, didn't you?" "Okay, you win. I did feel pretty. It was fun." "It IS fun, isn't it? Whenever I get dolled up I feel so alive ... so ... you know, so ..." "I know - feminine, right? Sandy, darling, when are you NOT dolled up? You must feel super-feminine all the time. Doesn't that ever get boring?" "No, what I mean is ... actually, I feel really sexy." "THAT I can get. I felt totally sexy that day. Umm ... can I tell you a secret?" "Uh-huh?" "I actually WANTED Ben to make love to me." "I know exactly what you mean. When I look nice I feel like that with Mark too." "So what d'you guys do?" "What? Oh crap, you don't wanna know ..." "It's okay - I can guess. He needs to have SOMEWHERE to put it." "But I'm not crazy about that - it sucks. That's why I wanna have my OWN vagina. So we can do it right." "Yeah, that's so true ... like, I loved having him on top of me ... you know, face to face, lots and lots of skin contact. I thought he'd feel so huge in me, but it wasn't really like that - I just felt like a big part of him was all the way up, like right up in the inside of my body - which I guess it WAS! Like, it was SO intimate, Sandy. And he made me feel SO loved, and SO wanted, and SO beautiful. Oh Sandy, I really hope you'll get to see what it's like some day." All I could do was nod in response. What an incredible experience she had with Ben! But how, I wondered, did it all end up for the two lovebirds? Kath must have anticipated my question. "Only thing was, I didn't have an orgasm. I think I was getting pretty close, especially when he started getting all excited and going faster ... but then he came and he couldn't do it anymore." "Uh-huh," I nodded with a knowing shrug, "the tip gets so sensitive after you come ..." "You'd know, wouldn't you?" she giggled. "But you had to let me find out for myself. Some friend." "I didn't think you were gonna have sex any time soon!" "I didn't either ... but I guess I was ready after all. And I DID like it when he came. I LOVED it ... he felt so nice and snug in me, and I could squeeze him nice and tight - that made me feel like he belonged there. And when he came I could actually feel how hot it was ... oh my God, Sandy, it was SO unbelievable." You know, I remember feeling unbelievably happy for Kath, but her words also made me feel extremely envious. That passionate experience she described - in great detail - was something I'd fantasized about for ages, usually all alone in bed. And it was profoundly depressing to think there wasn't the slightest hope of that happening to me in my present condition. So it made me even more determined to have my very own 'proper' place to put a man's sex organ, as soon as I possibly could. There would be no chance of Mark talking me out of it after that. ***** By Friday I decided I couldn't stand it anymore. So that afternoon I emailed Mark and just came right out and asked him if we could see each other - like, SOON. I was almost surprised when he eagerly accepted, and the next morning there he was pulling into our driveway. We'd made arrangements to go for a walk somewhere and maybe have lunch together. "Mark," I began as we drove out of my neighborhood, "what's the big idea putting me on 'ignore' since we got back?" He was silent for a moment, then he replied, "I didn't know for sure if you wanted to see me. You didn't call me either, till yesterday." He was right about that, but I kind of felt it was the guy's job to keep in touch. "Yeah, okay. I guess I could've called, too." "So why don't we talk about something else. Where would you like to go?" "Let's just go for a drive, if that's okay with you." "Sure, whatever you like." "But I still want to talk ... about us." Now, I thought, I was really sounding like a pushy girl. Don't girls always want to talk relationship stuff with their guys? "Sure, if that's what you want." "Well ... the other day you said you wanted me to stay like I am. You know, like not have an operation." "That's right. I just don't see why you need to. I love you just the way you are." "And I love you too, Mark. But I can't stay like this. I really need to go through with it - and the sooner, the better." We stopped at a red light and he looked straight at me. "That's not what I bargained for when I fell in love with you, Sandy. Don't you see? It's, uh, kind of hard to explain. But, if you change your sex I'm worried that ... that I won't be as attracted to you as I am now." "Well it's kind of late for that, isn't it? Haven't you noticed what's been going on with my body?" "You mean, like, your breasts and that kind of thing? Sure I have, but isn't that just the way you are? I mean, you're obviously not a total guy, but you're not a total girl either. You're unique, and that's what attracts me to you." Hearing Mark say that, the way he did, I had to admit to myself that I knew he was telling the truth, as hard as it was to hear it. But he was missing some important information - namely, that his boy/girl-friend had been taking female hormones for years. I decided to keep that to myself for the time being. Still, he'd laid it right on the line, hadn't he? And he didn't exactly leave me any wiggle room, either. I knew at that very moment that our relationship and our future as a couple were in serious jeopardy. And it would be up to me to save it, either by going along with his wishes or by somehow getting him to see it my way. But I'd already made up my mind about how I was going to live my life, and as much as I loved and needed Mark, becoming a complete woman was simply more important to me. So I ended up taking a huge risk and standing my ground. "Mark, I appreciate what you're saying about being attracted to both sides of me, and I really love that about you ... but I can't go through my whole life like that - you know, not being all one or the other. So I've already started ... you know, like, working towards ... having a sex change." There - it didn't come out easily, but the cat was finally out of the bag! He pursed his lips and looked like he was thinking hard. "Hmm ... and when did you start?" "Last summer." It was only slightly a fib - 'slightly' meaning a few summers ago. He just nodded slowly in response. I continued, "But I really thought it would be good for us ... like, I could be a real, you know, WIFE for you. Not some weird half-and-half." "So you've been taking hormones, is that what you're saying?" "Yes Mark, I have." "Why didn't you discuss this with me before?" "I just couldn't. I mean, I didn't know how you'd take it ... like, if you'd think I was crazy, or trying to pressure you into something ..." "And you're not right now?" "NO, I'M NOT! I only ever wanted you to love me, and to be with me forever." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. "Keeping secrets from me is a terrible way to go about that, Sandy." "I know ... I'm sorry." "And flirting with other guys isn't such a great idea either." Now THAT hurt. But of course he was right. Why oh why had I ever let myself get involved with Rob? I'd behaved like a foolish little girl, and now I was paying for it. But even though the conversation was getting very tense, I knew we had to lay everything out in the open. And the timing probably couldn't have been worse - the surge in hormone levels after my latest injection was definitely affecting my judgment and my choice of words. "I DIDN'T flirt with him!" I lied, as I felt my anger rising. "But while we're on the subject of keeping secrets, when were you planning to tell your folks your girlfriend was really a boyfriend? And that you wanted him to stay that way? Mark, I just don't get where you're coming from. Are you gay or something?" I still can't believe I blurted that out the way I did. But it sure struck a nerve. Mark immediately pulled off the road into a vacant parking lot, and he got out of the car and walked over to a fence overlooking a small snow- covered garden. After a minute or so I followed, feeling a little shell- shocked and wishing I could take back what I said. "Mark, I'm sorry ... that was uncalled for. I shouldn't have said it." He kept staring into the garden. "But you've been thinking it, haven't you?" "Umm ... yeah, I guess I have. But I didn't mean ..." "It's okay, Sandy," he interrupted. "It's true. I should've been more upfront with you." Now I was in a total state of shock. Sure, I'd suspected something like that, but every fiber of my being had wished it wasn't really true. Later, after I'd had a lot more time to digest everything that transpired that day, it struck me how incredibly stupid and na?ve I'd been - after all, did I, a young man with an obsession for masquerading as a young woman, have any right to be expect that the man in my life, if I could find one at all, should want me more than a real, natural- born woman? Or if he DID want me, that he would go along with my desire to get rid of the very thing he liked about me? "I guess that explains a lot," I said, almost in a whisper. "Like?" "Like why you want to have sex a certain way ..." "Sandy, that's a low blow." "Yeah, I guess it is. It's just that I really identify as the girl in this relationship. Mark, don't you think you'd like to try it that way some day? Maybe you'd like it better ..." "I have before - it's not bad." I wasn't expecting that reply. The name Pamela came immediately to mind, and a pang of anger and jealousy flashed through me. Of course, later I thought about my own encounters with Julia. So neither of us was really a virgin. But then another random question made it to my lips. "And, uh, have you had sex ... like, with a guy before?" Mark nodded slowly, and at that moment I felt my heart sink. The horrible thought struck me that I'd have to compete for Mark's attentions with real girls AND real guys. And me - mister/miss half-and- half - I wouldn't stand a chance. Because he wasn't just gay, he was actually bisexual! And everything I'd ever heard about bisexuals told me that Mark could never be totally committed to me, alone. "So I guess this is it for us, huh?" he said, sounding completely defeated. I was more in a state of shock than ever, otherwise I might have had the presence of mind to fight for my relationship with him. But instead I just nodded and replied "Guess so." "You can keep the ring if you want it." "Okay." We walked slowly back to the car, neither of us saying a word. As he drove me back home, a million thoughts were running through my brain. It would be another hour or two before the full weight of what had just occurred hit me, but I was already wondering how Mom would react, how Mark's parents would feel ... and oh my God, how Megan was going to take it. At that thought my eyes flooded with tears, and Mark reached for a Kleenex to give me. "Thanks," I sobbed. "Uh ... what I just told you ... you'll keep it to yourself, right?" "Uh-huh." "I still love you," he said. But all I could do was shake my head. I couldn't respond in kind, because I was already hurting so badly inside. And at that moment I don't think I felt the love for him that I did before - I just felt hurt, betrayed and confused. And really pissed off too - hadn't Mark just dumped on me for keeping secrets from him, when all along he was keeping a whopper of a secret from me? A few very uncomfortable minutes later Mark dropped me off in my driveway, and as he always did, he waited till I was safely in the front door before leaving. But I didn't even wave goodbye. By then, all I could think about was how all my dreams of love, marriage and the perfect life had just been smashed into little tiny pieces. As you might have expected, I went straight to my room and buried my face in my pillow. And I just bawled my eyes out for the rest of the morning and well into the afternoon. ***** In a classic example of perfectly awful timing, I was scheduled to work that evening at Milestones, and it was way too late to get someone to sub for me. I'd have no choice but to go, I realized, even though it was the last thing in the world I felt like doing. But first I had to do the second last thing - face Mom and give her the bad news, which was even tougher to do because I kept crying every two seconds. She took it pretty hard, given how much her own sense of well-being was tied up in how happy (or unhappy) her kids were. And I think she had a lot of trouble understanding why, especially 'cause I couldn't explain the whole situation (for obvious reasons). So I tried to spin it as a huge blowup over our future plans - meaning, Mark had one vision and I had a very different one. Mom tried to get me to elaborate, but I said I was too upset to get into that just then (which was quite true). Then she asked me if it had something to do with my inability to give his parents grandchildren, and my response was yes, that had a lot to do with it. One thing Mom mused about that hadn't yet occurred to me, was that at least now I could relax about the McCowans and the danger of them finding out my true sex. And the issue of whether I could give them grandchildren was now moot, too. I'm not sure if any of that softened my dismal mood though, and it sure didn't make me feel any less pain. By then my stomach felt like someone had tied it into a million knots, it was aching so bad! A wonderful thing about sharing your emotional and physical pain with your Mom is, you get lots and lots of hugs. I think we must have set a record for the longest hug ever, but poor Mom - her dress ended up quite stained on both shoulders from the eye makeup in my tears. But at least she helped me feel almost strong enough to go get myself ready for work. I reluctantly dragged myself back up to my room and let my blurry eyes focus a bit before stripping and heading for the shower. And wouldn't you know it - the first thing they zeroed in on was a framed picture standing on my bedside table. In it were two attractive young people: a handsome guy in a smart-looking blazer and trousers, and a beautiful dark-haired girl in a very pretty white eyelet sundress. They both wore huge smiles on their faces. It could almost have been a classic engagement picture, I thought - except for the front of a slightly beat- up Toyota peeking out from behind the girl's dress. Yes, that's right - it was our first real date, and now it seemed like an eternity since that magical day. I shook my head sadly and without a moment's hesitation I took the picture and stuck it face down on the highest shelf of my closet. Mom kept up the nonstop support on the drive to the restaurant. "Just remember, I'll always be there for you," she said softly, "... and I'll be praying for you all evening." That last part was somewhat uncharacteristic of her, but I sure appreciated the sentiment. I was barely inside the entry door when Chelsea approached me. "Sandy, honey, what's wrong?" I couldn't believe it - how could she tell? I'd gotten myself all cleaned up, fixed my hair nicely and spent extra time on my face and eyes to make sure no one would notice my inner pain. But somehow she saw through all that! "Oh, I'm all right ..." I began, but then I felt like I was on the verge of crying again. Damn! "Actually ... I'm not all right - Mark and I broke up today ..." Those crazy tears were fighting their way back to the surface! Chelsea put her arms around me immediately. "Oh honey, y'all don't need to work tonight. We can handle it, no problem - just go on back home, okay?" "No - I need to do this - I'll be all right." I put on a brave smile and tried fanning my eyes with my hands, a gesture I'd seen a lot of girls make in a vain attempt to stop their tears from flowing. Then another waitress came over to ask what was troubling me. I didn't want a big scene to develop so I did my best to calm myself down. "It's all good," I lied, shaking my head. "She just broke up with Mark," Chelsea explained helpfully. The girl, who I knew as a very caring person, also gave me a nice hug. "Breaking up sucks SO bad," she said softly, holding both my hands. I was sure I saw tears in her eyes too. "If there's anything I can do ..." "Thanks, Hannah. Maybe if I can just do my job tonight I'll forget about it for a while ..." "Sure, Sandy ... you have to keep busy. That's how I got through my breakup." "How long does it take till you feel normal again?" I asked the two girls. "Way too long, honey," said Chelsea. On that 'happy' note, I went to hang up my coat, stow my purse and change into my heels. Those actions, familiar as they were by then, seemed very mechanical that day. But my shift was unexpectedly much easier to cope with than I could have imagined, because Chelsea and Hannah spread the word that Sandra had just been 'dumped' by her boyfriend. Everyone from the bartender to the kitchen staff to the regular customers seemed to know, and I got major sympathy and some great tips too. And even a few barbs and jokes directed at the nasty person who'd been so uncaring and crass as to hurt their favorite little waitress. I know, the truth was being bent backwards and sideways, but I soaked up the attention and had never felt so appreciated at Milestones. And after that night, I felt even more accepted by the other girls. It was almost as though my having gone through that breakup was an important rite of initiation. When I got home just after one, I was glad for once to be totally exhausted because I was out like a light as soon as my head hit the pillow. ***** I don't know how I did it, but I managed to sleep in on the Sunday morning. I seem to remember dreaming about being with a guy who looked and talked like Mark but acted like Rob - the perfect combination, I suppose. But as I came around, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks - it was really all over between me and Mark. I lay there for at least another hour, staring at my frost-covered bedroom window, feeling the intense pain in my stomach and turning the previous day's events over and over in my mind. And I felt so ripped off! Like, only a few days earlier I was on track for the perfect life with the guy I honestly believed would be the perfect husband for me. My thoughts kept alternating between blaming myself - I must have said 'You stupid idiot' out loud a hundred times - and blaming Mark, who I felt deliberately kept me in the dark about his sexual preferences. Like, how was I to know? He seemed like the quintessential red-blooded American male - lanky, good-looking, active, technically minded, kind and well spoken. Well, there was that ONE thing, I reminded myself: he wasn't at all into sports; he liked 'softer' activities instead, like the theater, going for walks, romantic candlelit dinners ... but how could anyone peg him as a gay guy for that? Another really depressing thought came to me: this was my second New Year in a row to have a relationship implode. 'I'm gonna have to skip January from now on,' I promised myself. Just then I heard the phone ring, and Mom's voice called upstairs, "It's for you, Sandra!" 'Oh, crap - it better not be Mark ... I can't handle him this morning,' was my anxious thought as I grabbed my housecoat and shuffled down the stairs. "Hullo?" "Aren't you ready yet?" Kath's way-too-chipper voice almost blew my ear off. "Ready? For what?" "Sandy! We're supposed to go running this morning! You said you'd come and get me at ten ..." "Really? Oh shit, I forgot ... do I have to go? Isn't it too cold out?" "No, it isn't too cold out, and yes, you DO have to go." "All right ... can you give me a few minutes? Uh, how cold IS it out there anyway?" "Supposed to be in the high thirties. Better bundle up anyway." "Okay, why don't you come over and I'll get ready." The last thing I wanted was to go running and freeze my sorry butt off. But a date was a date, and besides I needed to let Kath in on the bad news. I wondered how she'd take it, Mark being Ben's best friend and all. I should have guessed she'd already know the basics. "So what's going on with you and Mark?" she prodded, the moment we left my house. "What? Oh - you mean that we, uh ..." "Broke up?" "You obviously heard." "So you really did, huh? What happened?" Now I was in a dilemma I was barely prepared for. How much should I tell her? Ben probably didn't know about Mark's sexual orientation, I thought, and I'd promised Mark I'd keep his 'secret' to myself. But I needed so badly to talk with someone about it, and Kath was the only one who understood me - could I trust her with that information? "I guess we found out we weren't exactly perfect for each other after all ..." "You mean ... he decided he didn't like that you're really a ..." "A guy?" "Yeah. Oh Sandy, that's so terrible. I feel so bad ..." "Oh, that's not really the reason. Well, it is and it isn't. Like, he really was okay with me, like this ... but Kath, I really want to go all the way, you know? Like, I HAVE to. And I think maybe the idea was too much for him to handle. Uh ... am I making any sense?" "Not really. D'you mean to say he didn't WANT you to have the operation?" "Yeah, that's what I mean. I think that's what I mean." "You're still not making much sense. Did he or didn't he say he wanted you to stay as you are, and not have the operation?" I stopped jogging and Kath did as well. "Kath ... can I trust you to keep something to yourself?" "Sure, what is it?" "I mean, can you promise not to ever breathe a word of this to anyone? I'd die if it ever got out." She looked me square in the eyes and said, "I PROMISE I'll never tell anyone. It'll be our secret, okay?" I nodded. "Well, I found out that Mark's, uh ..." "Mark's what?" "Kath ... he's, like, gay." She looked like a ton of bricks had fallen on her. She obviously had no clue, unlike me, who'd gotten several. "You mean ... he likes boys better ...?" "Than girls? That's what I mean." Kath seemed to be digesting the information. Then her face brightened. "So what's wrong with that? It's not against the law to be gay. And hey - you should be perfect for each other, shouldn't you?" "It's more complicated than that. He likes girls too - so where does that leave me?" "Sandy, are you serious? Like I said, you should be perfect for each other! Aren't you, like, kind of half boy and half girl?" "Maybe I am right now, but I won't be for long. THEN what? I get to worry that he's off screwing some other gay guy, or some normal chick ... Kath, I could never live like that! And anyway, he said he didn't want me if I had a sex change ..." "Didn't WANT you? Are we talking about the same guy? Sandy, he LOVES you!" "I know, he said that ... but he also said he didn't want me to change how I am right now." "What's so awful about that? I've told you the same thing before." "And I told you I can't live like this forever - not being all one or the other. It's too hard. And then you went and told me about having sex with Ben, and all I wanted was to be able to experience that for myself. Like, why can't I have what I want? And why does everybody keep trying to talk me into being something I'm not?" Now I was sounding irrational again. But lucky for me I was talking with another girl, and girls don't seem to take offence to PMS-fuelled outbursts. "Sandy, give your head a shake. I'm not trying to talk you into anything. Well, maybe I'm trying to help you save your relationship with Mark. You should hear Ben talk about how crazy Mark is about you." "Doesn't Ben think it's weird that his best buddy's in love with another guy?" "You obviously don't know Ben. He's the most amazing guy in the world - that kind of thing would NEVER bother him." "Hmm - I can see why you're such a good match for each other. I'm happy for you." "And I've been really happy for you, too. Sandy, you CAN'T break up with Mark. He's perfect for you. I can't imagine him ever cheating on you." "Maybe he would, and maybe he wouldn't. But there's a bigger problem - his folks still don't know about me. They think I'm little miss perfect for their wonderful baby boy. And when they find out I've been lying to them, I don't wanna be anywhere near all the shit that's gonna be flying." "So go over there right now and tell them. It'll be way better than if they find out on their own. I can't believe they'd reject you." "Now you're sounding like my Mom. But even if I DID tell them and they DIDN'T kill me and they were all cool with their little boy dating another little boy, which will NEVER happen, there's still this minor little issue of no grand-kids." "No grand-kids?" "Yeah - even if we got married, and if I got my vagina, I'd still be short one uterus. So we'd have to adopt, except they probably wouldn't approve me anyway, so like, no grandchildren for the McCowans. They'll NEVER go for that." "Hmm ... I guess that's a good point." "Good point is RIGHT. Kath, I'm just kidding myself if I think it could ever work between Mark and me. Breaking up sucks really bad, but now that it's over I can't go there in my mind again - it hurts way too much." She nodded, her lips pursed. "It DOES suck ... but I guess you know the situation best. As long as it doesn't have anything to do with Rick, or Ross, or whatever his name is ..." "ROB. And no, it doesn't. I'll never see him again anyway." "Good thing. He might not be so accommodating as Mark." "Oh, I'd never tell him. Why should I?" "'Cause you're an honest person?" "Not THAT honest. Besides, it was a lot of fun - like, he really thought I was a girl, you know what I mean? It felt great to have a guy like that eating out of my hand ..." "Careful, Sandra darling - you might get yourself into serious trouble with an attitude like that." I just shrugged in reply. 'Doubt it,' I thought. Yes, I know - Kath was always that little voice of wisdom in my ear, and sometimes I even listened to her advice. But at that point in my life, I was still way too immature to be able to trust anything other than my own feelings. I'd already gotten myself into trouble with Mark over Rob, but in my own peculiar twisted way I came to see the destructive outcome of that crush as a good thing - after all, didn't it force Mark to come clean with me about his sexuality, saving me from all kinds of future heartbreak? And as Mom had pointed out, didn't the breakup let me off the hook with the McCowans? Yes, it was a lot better this way, I told myself. Of course, I wouldn't always feel like that. In time, I'd come to have huge regrets about what I lost that January. ***** What with all the 'drama' in my love life, I almost forgot to mention the other big dramatic news of early 1999. Kath and I had been waiting impatiently since the start of our senior year to find out the name of the spring musical theater production. There had been all kinds of rumors going around the drama class since September, and good old Mr. Nelson just let everyone speculate. But none of us guessed correctly - he ended up choosing a Cole Porter musical called 'Kiss Me Kate.' I don't think any of us students had ever heard of that show, and when Mr. Nelson described it as a Broadway version of Shakespeare's 'The Taming of the Shrew,' none of us were any too thrilled - especially Kath and me, who were counting on having lead roles in a big crowd-pleaser like 'The Sound of Music' or 'Oklahoma' for our final high school production. Mr. Nelson said he'd have the sign-up sheets posted by the end of the week, and auditions would take place soon afterwards. In the meantime, we were all to research the play and decide which roles we'd like to audition for. That day Kath and I walked home together and groused about the crummy hand we'd been dealt. "Let's ask my Mom if she's heard of it," my friend suggested helpfully. "Mom, do you know a show called 'Kiss Me Kate?' Kath asked as soon as we entered her house. Her parents had a huge video collection of movies and stage musicals, so Kath figured her mom might recognize the title. "Sure I do," Mrs. Thomas replied, sounding happy to be asked about a topic she knew something about. "It was a big Broadway hit back in the forties and there's a movie version from the fifties - I'm pretty sure we own it." "We DO? Can Sandy and I watch it? We're gonna be doing that show this year." "You ARE? That's going to be interesting ... sure, I'll see if I can dig it out for you." I wondered what Mrs. Thomas meant by 'interesting' - did that mean she thought it'd be a real snoozer like we did? We should have saved our pessimism, though. It was a scream, and for a wonderful couple of hours, I almost forgot my depression over Mark. Mr. Nelson never got around to mentioning how incredibly funny and entertaining the show was, or how great the music was, and he especially never told us about all the amazing song-and-dance numbers! He must have wanted to max out the surprise factor for all of us. If that was his plan, it certainly worked! Kath and I were both totally thrilled that we'd get to do this show. But there was one small problem. "There's only two decent female leads," I pointed out. "So we'll just have to get them both!" Kath giggled. While watching the movie, I'd already figured on auditioning for the lesser of those roles, an aspiring showgirl who's having an affair with the male lead and who does a couple of great songs and a wonderful dance number. I knew beyond any doubt that Kath, with her flaming red hair, her super acting ability and her great singing voice, would be the right choice for the main female lead. I must have been staring at her a little too intently while imagining her in that role. "What's the matter - something wrong with my face?" "Uh, NO - I was just thinking how perfect you'll be for Lilli ..." "ME? Lilli? Hah! I should be so lucky. But you'll get picked for sure. You're a lot better looking than I am, and the better singer too." "Get real - you've got the perfect look, and you can dance AND sing! Hey, and don't forget, they need someone who can do major attitude." "You're being nice, aren't you - what you mean to say is someone who's got a bad temper." "Duh! I sure wouldn't wanna get on your bad side." "Point taken. But you could channel your anger, right? I can totally see you singing 'I Hate Men' after what you've been through." That comment made me laugh out loud. "That'd be SO ironic, wouldn't it? But I'd have to imagine that Mark was Petruchio, and that's so NOT him. Now Rob - he'd fit the bill - 'cept I don't hate HIM." "You'll never convince me you hate Mark, either. Speaking of Petruchio, who d'you think they'll pick to do him?" "I dunno ... that'll be tough. He has to be kinda, you know, larger than life ... over-the-top but still really funny." "How about Doug Peterson? Think he could do it?" "I dunno - maybe he could ... but they need someone with more stage presence, don't you think? Someone like Ben." Kath looked wistful at the mention of her boyfriend. "Oh, do I ever wish he could've failed. Then he'd have to repeat his senior year, and ..." "And you could be all lovey-dovey with him every day in school, and you could star with him in the show - I know. But then you wouldn't have any time for me. I like it better this way." "Always thinking of yourself, aren't you? You couldn't even help me wish Ben failed ..." At that insanely silly comment, we both fell into one of our famous giggle fits. But finding out whether Kath would get the role of Kate, and who'd get to be Kate's leading man, would have to wait till auditions were finished. ***** You're going to find this hard to believe - but it really did happen. Julia actually came over and spoke to me one morning as I was hanging my coat in my locker. "Hi Sandy ... how are you doing?" she inquired, sounding sort of friendly ... and even concerned. You could have knocked me over with a feather! "Huh? Oh ... hi. I ... I'm okay, I guess. How are you?" "Not bad. Uh, Kath told me about Mark ... I'm sorry." "She's not very good at keeping secrets, is she? I'm all right, Julia. I shouldn't have been in that relationship, that's all. Guess I was kind of na?ve." "Maybe a little," she nodded. "Not that it's any of my business." I shrugged, wondering why she was so interested in my latest love life disaster, when she had so much to do with the first one. "Uh, so how's Alex? Are you still going out with him?" "Yeah ... he's pretty busy these days, and so am I, with school and work and everything ..." "You mean the catering? You're still doing that?" She laughed, "I'll be doing that till the day I die, if my folks have anything to say about it. But the money's really good, and I'm starting to figure out the business side of things." "I thought you had that figured out a long time ago! It's your strong suit, isn't it?" "Guess so ... I DO like the logistical stuff - it's a challenge but pretty cool when everything comes together." I nodded my agreement, even if I couldn't quite imagine myself doing that kind of work. I thought the serving part was my forte. "Oh, I remember the other thing I was going to ask you," she said, deftly changing the subject. "Kath said you went snow skiing over the holidays. You went to Vermont?" "Yeah - with Mark's family. We were at Killington Peak for, like, eight days." "Wow! I'm so jealous! Was that your first time?" "Mmm," I nodded. "But I took lessons and by the end I was skiing all the greens and blues ... I mean, like, the beginner and intermediate runs ..." She was nodding enthusiastically. "Yeah, I know, I know! Isn't it incredible? We went out to Colorado a couple of times over spring break - back when I was in seventh and eighth grade. I love skiing!" "Me too! Uh, maybe we can go together sometime," I suggested, immediately wishing I hadn't stuck my neck out so far with Julia, of all people. But amazingly, she didn't seem to mind! "That'd be cool. Maybe some day we can do that." Just then the buzzer rang and we waved goodbye to each other. And for the rest of the day, or maybe the rest of the month, I pondered the significance of my encounter with Julia. I couldn't decide - was she only being friendly because I'd broken up with Mark? Or had she had a change of heart, and was finally willing to accept me as a girlfriend? Whatever, it didn't really matter - my old girlfriend was back on speaking terms with me once again, and just when I needed her friendship the most. To be continued ....