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Rock on! By Trish. "Five minute call!" As show time approaches I can feel the flickering knot of uneasiness starting to fade as the person I am on stage begins to wake inside of me. Inside my mind I am fighting my emotions, torn between the pleasures I get from being on stage with the band and the desire to lead something approaching a normal life. At one time the schizophrenic other side of me that is Jessica always tipped the balance in favour of the band, but not any more even she has had enough. The closer I get to the stage the more Jessica begins to show. Step by step I can feel myself becoming her. My body language subtly changes as I walk though the back stage of the theatre, my gait becoming a strut and as I push open the doors Jessica, my rock goddess alter ego takes over! By the time I reach stage side I no longer feel any of the unease that filled me as I dressed in my skimpy stage outfit, neither am I quite so aware of the height of my heels or the effect our stage look can have on people. With an air of rock star distain on my face I glance past the leering corporate suits deliberately ignoring them. God I hate the suits... When The Sun finally 'outed me' eighteen months ago I expected the look in their lecherous faces to change and in a way it has I suppose, because mixed in with lust now is the question. "Has she gone all the way?" Stalking past them on my heels I'm suddenly aware of the crowd noise and it hits me like a drug rush that addictive heady mixture of excitement and anticipation in the atmosphere. Once upon a time the stage call would send my belly fizzing with giddy trepidation but not now... not any more... I'm Jess and she knows she a star, and yet at the same time Jess is still me. Kelly and Beth are already waiting stage left, chattering to Amy. It's a relief to see her stood there even if she does look like she's going to be sick. Giving her a smile and a hug, I notice her kids looking at me with saucer shaped eyes as they peek round from behind her. "You look ready Jess," Amy tells me as she lets me go, adding. "I was just waiting to see you before I took these two to get them settled with their dad." Grabbing her boys by the hands she gives us a grin saying. "Go and warm them," she nods her head at the waiting audience, "Them up for me and see you when I come on. Break a leg!" "Thanks Amy." I wink at her kids as she guides them away to the auditorium. As much as a part of me wants to get this over I can't help the building buzz of exhilaration that runs though my body as the crowd noise increases. Kelly gives me a grin as we wait impatiently for our singer Susan to make an appearance. Out of the corner of my eye I see a couple of the record company suits watching us.... I can clearly see the hungry desire illuminating their eyes and it reinforces my decision that this really is the last time.... After the stresses and turmoil of the last eighteen months I think we all know we need to get out while we've still got most of our sanity intact... "Two minutes!" the tour manager calls, and like a program kicking in, Beth, Kelly and I shimmy out of our robes. Suddenly I'm all too aware of the suits smirking as they watch us with hungry expressions. Knowing what I'm, well Jess is doing I'm powerless to stop myself getting a kick out of the effect my jiggling assets are having on them. "Jess?" My roadie hands me my bass guitar, and hooks the strap round my neck. I can see the suits jaws bouncing off the floor as we limber up, checking the tune of our instruments and our bodies with the kind of sexually provocative exercises that a stripper would envy. A slightly embarrassed Susan eventually materialised giving us a look of relief. I think she half expected us to turn up like Amy wearing the jeans and tee shirts of the past we are oddly recreating on this last gig. Even though Jess is now very much in control of my actions I try to push aside my tangled resentment about how Susan had used us. I know I am being childish when I ignore her arrival saying to Kelly and Beth. "One last time eh!" Just as we are about to go on it occurs to me who is in the audience and I pray that I've not made a mistake in inviting them to this last gig. Stood ready and waiting in the wings I hear the roar of the crowd as the house lights go down to the sound of Richard Wagners 'Ride of the Valkyrie' and then our tour manager's voice calls. "Liverpool Empire, will you please welcome home... The Rock Babes!" The crowd let out a deafening roar as I usurp Susan's place and lead the band on stage and take the centre mic crying. "Hello Liverpool!" I can feel Susan's eyes boring into my back as I soak in the atmosphere. Although we have managed to get over most of our bitterness I can tell deep down she blames me for ending the roller coaster ride of success we have been on for most of the last ten years. Feeding off the crowd's excitement I no longer care that I look like a whore, wearing a tiny leather dress with sky scraper thigh boots and a mass of blonde ringlets held back by a metal Alice band surrounding a face dominated by my shiny blood-red lips. Neither do I care that like my band mates, I am packaged for display as I bask in the sea of love radiating from our fans, and yet at the same time I hate myself for loving it quite so much. Shaking myself I get my game face on and say to the crowd. "Thank you Liverpool... Well it's good to be home! This is where we started and this is where we end! Tonight is the last time the Rock Babes play as a band so on behalf of all of us, I want to say thank you!" Only then to the sound of the crowd cheering do I relinquish the stage centre to Susan. Even though I have told her umpteen times that joining the band gave me everything ever wanted from life I still wonder if Beth has managed to forgive herself for talking me into joining when Amy got sick. Making it big in the music business is a hard game, especially for an all girl rock band with a Rolling Stones taste for partying. It is a lifestyle that leaves many casualties along the road and Beth was one of them. Although the track marks on her arms have faded, she still has a long road to walk before she is over her years of drug abuse, and there are times off stage she is still an empty shadow of the person I grew up with.... Only once we are on stage does the spark of our old relationship really show. At the heart of any band is the communication between the drummer and the bassist and not wanting to sound big headed, Beth and I are as good as you can get. It's not surprising that our communication is so good; we've played together since we were primary school kids. I cannot recall who got interested in music first, but by the time we left primary school we were already in the youth orchestra I played the violin, and Beth the trumpet and piano. I guess we must have been about twelve or thirteen when Beth 'discovered' the contents of her dad's record collection and opened our ears to the likes of the Sex Pistols, Led Zeppelin and The Who. For a couple of kids raised on the contrived music in the charts and the formalities of classical music discovering the records unbridled exuberance and freedom of expression made us want to do the same. A year later we formed our first band 'Mosh' a punk/prog mishmash that actually sounded good enough to get us a few gigs at local schools, and church hall disco's. At sixteen out lives began to diverge as Beth went off to sixth form and I went to work as an apprentice electrician with the maintenance contractors at the car plant but we still stayed close and played together in a succession of bands. A couple of years later, Beth scores a clean sweep of A grade A-levels and a full scholarship to Liverpool University. Obviously being kids of the computer generation Beth and I had no problems about keeping in touch, and I got to know Liverpool well during my regular visits. Although we played together, went to gigs together and hung about together there had never been anything sexual in our friendship Beth was just my best mate and I loved her like a sister! The boyfriend girlfriend issue never came up between us. It simply did not matter to either of us especially as Beth had told me years before that she liked other girls sexually more than boys, and for me sex was something I tried not to think about... I was just confused about the whole thing, I was attracted to boys but at the same time, I did not see myself as a boy, because deep down I thought I was a girl. Hearing her moan how lucky I was not to have to put up the 'bullshit' that came with being born a girl, I longed to tell her that I would willingly have swapped with her but I did not dare. Other than a few noticeable exceptions, which I'll get to later, it was a lack of opportunity and guilt that prevented me from expressing my suspicions that I was really a girl until I completed my four-year apprenticeship when I turned twenty. Having just lost both my parents and with Beth now living in the North West, I had no strong ties to Sunderland and I was ready to make a move when the company offered me foreman's a job in Manchester I took it. Through the company I found a small flat just to the north of the city and jumped straight into my job. The job consisted of preparing sites electrical systems in advance of the computer nerds doing their thing. After the sort of work I had done in the car factory it felt like I was being paid silly money for old rope. In comparison to Sunderland, Manchester felt exotic and with its reputation as a 'party' city I eagerly explored the city's extensive music scene. With Beth just forty minutes away and the lively music scene in Manchester finding people to play with was easy and before long I was playing regularly at folk clubs and pub sessions. Then I saw something one afternoon that made my eyes pop open! I had been in town and was heading home after picking up my new guitar when I saw my first transvestite. Fascinated at 'her' balls about being so openly out, I discreetly followed her and she led me to the gay village, which was an eye opener. As I walked down Canal Street later that evening I must have seen a half dozen drag queens, crossdresser and girls who made you think is she or isn't she, which was kind of reassuring as until that moment I foolishly thought that I was the only one. With a few bottle of Dutch courage inside me I felt very brave when I brazenly picked up a flyer for a specialist shop. Two weeks later, and six hundred pounds worse off I dressed for the first time. I was jumpy as hell as the concept of privacy in my own flat was still novelty I was getting used to... I thought I looked pretty good well I did until I tried putting on some make-up, and ended up looking stupid. Wiping and washing it all off I tried again, and made a mess of it. Three attempts later and my face still looked more like that of a six year old playing with her mothers make up, but it was a lot better that my first attempt. Not really satisfied with my face, I still looked at myself enraptured by my reflection. Normally I hated how I looked and avoided camera's but looking at myself wearing a crisp white satin blouse, black pencil skirt, shimmering barely black tights, and three inch black court shoes I liked my reflection and giving myself a delighted smile in the mirror I said. "Hello I'm Ruth!" I had picked Ruth years earlier, as it was my grandmother's name and she had sort of become my feminine alter ego. Grinning at myself I felt like I was going to explode with delight because what I was seeing in the mirror was a lot closer to the self-image in my mind than my usual reflection. Seeing myself like this I discovered something in me that that occupied my mind so much that I did not notice that Beth had not called for a while until she suddenly rang me wanting me to finish a song I had started years ago. University had changed Beth. She still did not understand the concept that girls lived differently to boys and with her love of her motorcycle and rock music she was still just as much of a tomboy as ever. However where at home she had been sexually very uptight and inhibited Liverpool had had relaxed her sexual attitudes. Little by little student life had erased much of her small town cultural baggage and after two years she found that she no longer gave a hoot about what people thought of her. For a Wearside working class girl like Beth University had been a culture shock and her first term was spent in a blur of new experiences. After finding her feet she played in couple of bands before meeting a Geordie art student called Kelly towards the end of her first term who was guitarist. Hitting it off at a party Beth was more interested in bedding Kelly until they started talking music and discovered they shared a love of classic heavy rock. Getting together in a university practice room a couple of days later they decided they sounded pretty good and stuck up and advert for a bassist. Both girls had been in bands before and both had got pissed off with trying to make good music in a band of competitive men, and with out discussing it decided that their band would be all girls. "After all," Beth said, "until we find a girl I can get our Dick to fill in on bass if we want to have a play when he's here." Kelly pulled a face, but that changed when she met me the following weekend. I had hitched a lift over with a couple of work mates and when Beth asked if I wanted a jam I joined in with them on a bass borrowed from a friend of Kelly's. "You know," I commented after a couple of tunes, "This is sounding a little like early Rush, you know the power trio sound?" Did you have to say that," Beth joked, "I was beginning to think we sounded quite good!" "Who?" Kelly said blankly not having a clue about the band I meant. "Rush, a Canadian three piece of musical geniuses," I said while Beth just harrumphed something about kimono's. Although I was a big fan of Rush, Beth was not and even though she did like some of their songs from the first two albums, she felt their later stuff was all a little pretentious which was a little rich given some of her lyrics! Once I had turned Kelly on to Rush she tended to side with me even if she did agree with Beth about some of their clothing choices! Over the next year or so I played with Kelly and Beth (and later Amy) often. I had a lot of fun and enjoyed what we did musically as it made a change from what I played with my usual folk club mates. Eventually the following term Amy a classically trained double bass player from Southport answered their ad. Amy was a postgraduate geochemistry student and unlike Kelly and Beth she was very serious about her education. Right from the very start she told them that university would always come first but as she missed the fun of playing with other musicians and for her playing electric bass with them was a good escape from the pressure of her Master's degree. Although Amy's tastes were more towards the big full orchestra 'Prog Rock' she quickly came to really enjoy playing with Kelly and Beth, and after jamming together a few times they agreed to form a band. Calling themselves 'Girlz' they were a three piece 'cover' act who got noticed by a local promoter at a student union's Easter battle of the bands competition which led to them getting offered regular paid gigs performing on the local of pub and rock club circuit. Having no real expectations or intentions of being in the music business they stuck mostly to reworked versions of 70's classics mixed in with some 80's heavy metal and 90's Brit-pop anthems. Unlike Kelly and Beth who found playing in the band and the social side of student life far more attractive than their studies, Amy was not joking when she said her course came first. This meant they occasionally needed to find someone to fill in for her. Since I was still a regular visitor and almost always ended up jamming with Beth and Kelly who started sharing a flat just as they met Amy, when they could not find a girl to replace her, Beth would ask me fill in even though I was not a girl. In truth my gender was not really an issue as the girls did not dress for the stage and with my long hair, lack of height and skinny body, all it took was Kelly to paint my face and nails with a little lipstick and varnish along with a lick of mascara and my 'stage' make-up was good enough to make sure my gender not that obvious. In comparison to my dreams it was not much of a feminisation, but to me it felt fantastic and you could tell from my playing that I was having a ball. Beth and Kelly who both share a tendency to be quite dense sometimes just assumed that it was the buzz of playing to an audience that got my timing spot on and made my painted fingers on the frets of Amy's unfamiliar bass so nimble. Not that they really cared past gratitude for me being a good sport about allowing their band to retain the 'all girl' image, which meant so much to them. Perhaps I should have complained a bit more the second time it happened and Beth got me to wear a padded bra, but the thrill of wearing that quintessentially feminine garment, and appearing on stage as a girl was too much of a temptation for a repressed crossdresser like me. Pretty much every time I went to see Beth I ended up either filling in for Amy, jamming with the three of them, or writing songs with them. Beth's musical tastes were very much in realm of 70's conceptual while mine were more pop rock orientated and it showed in our song writing. Although Kelly and Beth (with my input) had written three or four albums worth of songs they really needed a good lead singer. Of the three of them Amy had the best voice, although Kelly could at a pinch take over vocal duties but neither of them really had the confidence, range or in truth the ability to sing 'our' more complex original compositions. Naturally shy Amy was not a particularly good 'front man' either but her voice was significantly better than both Kelly and Beth so she got the job. Although Amy tried to talk and joke with the audience in the end Beth and Kelly did most of the on stage chatting. I guess 'Girlz' had been gigging for around for about eight months when Amy bumped into Susan the older sister of a girl she knew from boarding school. "Hello Amy it's been a while?" Susan said when she saw her walking from the University library. "Wow Susan, what are you doing here?" Amy said recognising her school friend's older sister. "Just finishing my psychology degree," Susan said, offering Amy a coffee in the near by Costa. Unknown to Amy, Susan, had deliberately bumped into her on purpose after realising the singer bass player in the band playing at the Floral Hall Halloween rock night was astonishingly 'Specky,' her nerdy kid sisters double bass playing friend! Amazed at what they were doing with the old classics Susan recognised the talent lurking behind the covers and wanted in on it. Like all Liverpudlians Susan had two ambitions, since her gender meant she would never captain Liverpool to victory at Wembley, she set her sights on the second one, being in the biggest rock band in the world. Although she had been in bands that got a chance before, much to her dismay they had never been quite good enough to make the leap from the small venue circuit to the big time. Disillusioned about playing with blokes calling the shots Susan shared with Beth and Kelly and dislike of being in a bloke band, but where they were at university for fun as much as education Susan was much more ambitious. From the moment she left school she had always seen university as a way of passing the time until she formed or found a band that could be a real success. It might have taken until she was just finishing up her Doctorate before she found one, but in 'Girlz' it looked like she had a band that had both the talent and the gender to fit her criteria. Susan knew she could sing, went out of her way to develop a friendship with Amy even though she still found her ridiculously straight. How anyone as straight as 'Specky' could come to be in a rock band amazed her, and when she jokingly mentioned this to Amy over a lunchtime coffee not long after that first meeting, she heard the words she had been hoping for. "You used to be a good singer Sue? Why don't you tag along with me to the art college and see if you can still do it?" "Do what?" Susan said playing dense, even though she wanted to grab Amy's hand yelling yes! "Sing with us?" Amy said. "We're having a practice this afternoon for a biker bash we're doing next weekend near Queensferry, and Kelly's been bugging me about us playing a Rush song, 'Beneath, Between, and Behind,' and I can't sing that!" Barging in full of herself Amy announced, "Meet Susan, and she's a singer." At first a little offended that Amy had brought someone along to their one practice session before they were due to play in front of a few hundred bikers, their attitude changed when Susan said, "Hey do you know "Baba O'Riely?" When Beth nodded (its one of my favourite songs) and Kelly shook her head Sue casually belted out a note perfect unaccompanied rendition of the Who song laughing as she ended, "I love the Who!" "What about," Kelly played the first three chords of the Seeker a 'Who' number that was in their set, and glanced at Beth who nodded at Amy, and then they were off with Susan letting rip in front of them. When Amy had said Susan was a singer she was not lying, and her wide vocal range suddenly meant that along with my folk based songs, many of our (Beth and mine's) more complex compositions were now potential original songs for the band. "Want to play with us Saturday?" Kelly laughed two hours later having exhausted their classic rock play list. Although wary of outsiders and reluctant to trust a stranger Beth found Susan as captivating as Amy did and nodded enthusiastically as Kelly offered her the gig. "Yeah... Okay, but its been a while since I sang," Susan said playing it cool and hiding her excitement at getting in with the best prospect of success she had ever seen. "Wow Sue you've a hell of a voice, why did you stop singing?" Beth asked a little later when they had retired to the pub. "Being in a band with blokes!" Sue said with a pulled faced expression. "Tell us about it." Kelly grinned sipping her pint. Taking her time Susan put her psychology training into practice as she studied the bands dynamic carefully to insure she fitted in with them. She did it so easily that it surprised any one who knew the girls before she joined. Right from the start Susan suggested they mixed in something of theirs but did not feel comfortable enough to start really pushing the band where she wanted to go until the following summer season of biker rallies and local festivals. Highly ambitious Susan knew that they would only get noticed if they started playing their own songs and before long she was insisting that they included their own (mine, Kelly and Beth's) songs in with the covers they were playing. Susan's strategy worked as 'Girlz' started to develop a fan base first in the student union, and then in the Liverpool clubs allowing her to take the next step. Confident and highly manipulative Susan was more than willing to ruthlessly use her clinical training to insure that if her bandmate's had any issues they would not get in the way of her success. With out it ever being discussed, Susan became both the mouth and identity of the band. Determined and willing to do what ever it took Susan's persistence and the occasional sexual favour eventually paid off when a local studio offered to them some free studio time to cut a real EP CD, rather than something they recorded themselves. The CD sold, at first to the university crowd, and that brought it to the attention of local radio who played it often enough to attract a record company's interest. Tipped off by a local promoter that a company were sending a couple of 'out of uniform' artist and repertoire suits to see the band and having been there before Susan knew the pit falls. When she told the girls about the record company interest she suggested that they should protect themselves by forming with her a limited company in the name of Rock Babes Ltd. As Amy's father was a solicitor and Kelly a mostly qualified accountant Susan knew that having the band registered as a company meant they were a lot less likely to be ripped off if the record company suits liked what they were seeing. Aware that they had people to impress 'Girlz' were ready to perform the nights they were being covertly observed and they more than impressed the record company representative. Just days later the record company called the bands manager, Amy's father, and made an offer to the girls of a three CD contract. No sooner was the ink dry and the company were harping on about a single. Annoyingly neither Kelly or Beth who were both good if workman like songwriters seemed to be able to come up with something that had the right mixture of a catchy song over a classic rock sound. After listening to everything Beth played the A & R suits something I wrote years ago. It was not a song as such just a chorus and a verse, and much to Beth's astonishment they liked it enough to want to record it properly for the album. Since Beth did not dare tell them that the two- minute ditty was all of it she told them that she could not remember the rest and would have to dig the lyric out, and phoned me. Over the phone Beth and I thrashed out a couple of verses, and although I gave her the song, she still insisted that I was given a writing credit. Susan did stick her oar in insisting that having lyrics by a bloke on their single and on my songs on their album would ruin the bands feminist credential and convinced Beth that it would be in her best interest to convince me to agree to a credit that read simply, Susan, Beth, Kelly, Amy and 'Jess.' Jess was the name that Beth hung on me one evening when introducing the band during a gig in Birkenhead. Until the album came out I did not have a clue that on the inside cover were of photographs of the band's development. In with the shots of the current line up were a couple that included me. One was of Amy, Kelly, and Beth and me practicing in some dive or other and a second one of me filling in for Amy at a pub gig and both shots highlighted me with an arrow at my head and a note saying 'Jess.' The crossdresser in me adored the idea that anyone seeing the photo would see me as a girl, even though the bloke in me felt ashamed about the deception, but in the end Beth was my friend and I was not going to make waves about a piddling name credit. Also I would be lying if I said I did not get a delightfully sexy thrill to see music and lyrics by Jess, and the photographs of me on insert cover. Having seen that a sexy image sold and four hot babes playing classic rock would get their target audience off Susan set about making her nerdy band mates into the 'Rock Babes.' Since Beth was a boots, bike leathers and crash helmet girl, Amy introverted and asexual, and Kelly just took the piss Susan knew asking them to 'slut' up was an argument she could not win if she played straight, but she did not have to. It was surprisingly easy now they trusted her judgement to suggest that they ask the record company about how to get the band an image. Knowing that if the girls knew the idea Susan had came from her, Beth would certainly start asking questions about why she suddenly wanted them to get their hair done and trowel on the make-up. Not wanting to risk that Susan instead dropped a couple of subtle hints to the record company's stylist about the bands look, before she suggested to the girls that they should let the company stylists make them over. All of them were aware that they needed a look to go with their sound and were more than happy to let the company stylists develop them a look, and they did! Arguing that rock was as much show as music, and that the fans wanted a show, with Susan's underhand interventions here and there, the PR office found the band a very provocative image and even managed to convince the girls to choreograph a few of their on-stage moves. Moves that as the band developed became erotically charged routines that covertly gave the impression that the girls were more than just band mates. Ambling in with the song Beth played it to the girls and worked out a rough version that after a little verbal polishing from the producer ended up being called Juggernaut. Much to my surprise the song was the stand out number on the album. Sure that they had a hit in the making every one was disappointed when on release it lingered in the lower reaches of the rock charts and then Bruce Dickenson played it on his rock show! Being endorsed by a rock god member of Iron Maiden was thrilling enough but to have him play it again a week later the band (who by now Susan had renamed Rock Babe's) exploded on to the rock scene and started attracting interest from the mainstream music press. Immediately the record company built a PR wall around Beth and the girls that made getting in contact with her nigh on impossible. Since this happened a month or two after my move to Manchester I had other things on my mind and Beth did not notice because like Kelly and Susan she was living her dream. Unfortunately Amy who had never been that hooked on the dream of being a rock star in the first place just was not equipped to handle the stresses of being in the media eye and with in weeks of them breaking on the scene she started to struggle with the pressure. It got much harder for Amy after the album came out and the touring became relentless. The longer they were on the road the worse Amy's emotional state became, but taking a break now would have been a disaster... The band had to stay on the road to publicise both themselves and the first album. As the weeks became months Amy slowly started to come apart at the seams. Only a lot of talking by Beth and Kelly kept her playing through the winter spring dates and then as they came off stage at the end of the tour Amy basically had a break down. Susan was kicking herself as a trained psychologist she should have recognised what was happening to Amy but by the time she did things had gone beyond her help. Ruthlessly dedicated to her dreams of success Susan was tempted to suggest medication to Amy to keep her in the band but she knew it was to late for that! It could not have come at a worse moment. Losing Amy just as they were building up to record the difficult second album was bad but worse was just over a month later they were booked to play a triumphant sold out 'home town' gig at the Liverpool Empire. The Empire gig would kick off a short tour that culminated with a second on the bill slot at Glastonbury! It was to be a make or summer in many ways for the band and if they got it right the exposure would be enormous. Booked into the studio in the autumn Susan was desperate to have some new material ready when they played Glastonbury, and Amy's emotional implosion had cast the bands whole future into jeopardy. Unlike Amy, Kelly and Beth revelled in the touring lifestyle and were enjoying the seediness of life on the road as much as the playing. The only thing that worried Susan about Beth and Kelly's reaction to being on the road was their taste for 'recreational' pharmaceuticals, thankfully both were professional enough to indulge after work but it was still a niggle she could have done with out. She knew that their drug use was not really a good thing but some of the side effects were! Susan had been about to kick off about their drug consumption until it occurred to her that their drug usage had radically that reduced Beth and Kelly's inhibitions and increased their sex drives... Although it was a dangerous strategy the notoriety their drug fuelled post gig antics generated was just what she needed for the 'girls who like to party' reputation she wanted for the Rock Babes. Amy's sudden breakdown derailed Susan's master plan, and for a couple of days she expected Amy to 'buck up' before reality set in and she realised that the bands future hinged on finding a good female bass player and quickly. She could see just as clearly as Kelly and Beth that things were evaporating before their eyes and they knew it was serious. So much so that they both voluntarily curtailed much of there party lifestyle and drug usage to aid Susan in finding at elusive replacement. Scurrying round like headless chickens trying to do ten things at a time, Susan had no choice but to take charge and in doing so cemented her position as the leader of the band! The company management had freaked out when they found out about Amy and immediately suggested they got a session player to fill in at the gigs, and if necessary the new album. Since every player the company brought up was a bloke Susan refused to even consider them as candidates. Knocking back the suggestion with a withering, "Find me one who's wants to grow a pair of tits then we might agree, because the Babe's a rock chick outfit and a bloke can't be a rock chick unless he transitioning to she!" The stress of auditions was also getting to Kelly and Beth who having straightened out could see that the auditions were getting them nowhere and things were starting to look decidedly black when Kelly uncertainly suggested. "I guess if the worst comes to the worst there's always your Dick, Beth?" "Dick?" Susan said. "My writing mate," Beth said, "The one who you insisted we credited as Jess." "Oh her?" Susan said, thinking never in a million years. "Him," said Kelly suddenly standing and reaching for her laptop and said, "Look, don't write Dick off before you've had a listen this Sue. This was recorded back in 2000 playing in the Wilson's. It's me on vocals, Beth on drums and Dick filling in for Amy." Since Amy's break down Susan had secured her place as the dominant force in the band but she was acutely aware that her position was a tricky one. She was not the writer or a composer and for all she could talk the talk; she made a point not to interfere with how the band developed their music. Listening to the rough version of Hush and the song that would become Wine and Rosy, Susan knew that the flowing bass lines were better than anything Amy had done. "She sounds good?" Susan said, when the track ended. "She is a he and he's good, or at least used to be." Kelly noted when the track ended, "Not that we've played a gig with him since you joined last year" "Bollocks!" Susan said. "Why are all the really good bassists blokes, and yet not one of them is a tranny!" Her tirade was halted when the record company wheeled in the next audition, accompanied by 'Call me Kate' their record company management trailed by Karen her assistant and one of the stylists. Having seen how easily the girls had occupied the male former incumbent, the record company had appointed a mostly female team to oversee the Rock Babes. It also made good marketing sense as the tag line 'Rock music made by women and produced by women,' looked good on the glossy industry advertising blurb they put out about the band. Once again none of the girls they auditioned had the timing, and deflated, the argument returned to me. "I still think Jess is our best bet!" Kelly said using my feminine lyricist name to quell Susan's refusal and hide the truth from Kate and her numerous interrupting assistants. Deep down Beth knew I was the only choice, but would not accept it and suggested a couple of girls who might do a gig or two. Torn between wanting and not wanting to ask me Beth let the conversation carry on around her. During the endless hours of travel between gigs there had been more than a few times when she had really missed my company, but knowing what a man hater Susan was, once Amy started to come apart she refrained from suggesting me to cover the dates. Beth had heard Susan's comment about the only way they would let a bloke on stage with the 'Rock Babes' was if he was willing to grow a pair of tits. After nearly a year living on a bus with Susan she knew her well enough to know that she was not joking and Beth could not and would not bring herself to ask me to do that for her. Eventually Kate and her posse were called away, but the bickering continued and Beth wanted to strangle Kelly god knows how many times as she carried on insisting that given the time before the Liverpool gig I was the only sensible choice. Eventually Kelly fell silent, and gave Susan an odd look before gazing off into space for a few moments with a strange look in her eyes. Susan looked at Beth for explanation. In response Beth shrugged, hoping that Kelly had finally rejected me. That hope was dashed when Kelly said giving Beth a thoughtful look. "I know why you don't want to ask Beth, but you know he's played with us before and no one noticed he was really a guy and in those days we were playing in places where the audience are a lot closer to us than they are now?" "True," Beth admitted. "But!" She did not get a chance to finish when Kelly said. "I think if you asked him he'd say yes, and you know he the right build to pull it off, well with a little help!" "Pull off what?" Susan asked, feeling like she had lost control of the conversation. "Passing as one of us," Kelly said. "What you think Beth?" "He'll never do it!" Beth said, "That was then, when we wore street clothes, played dark dingy pub rooms and all it took was a little padding and make up for him to pass... lets face it we're showing more skin these days." "You can always ask?" Kelly said. "After all you know he never once complained about wearing that padded bra, or the lippy, nail varnish or letting me painting on the eye make-up," She laughed. "Neither did he seem to bothered about getting leered at as a girl..." Exasperated Susan said, "What on earth are you talking about Kel?" Taking a breath Kelly quickly told Susan about how when they first started gigging if Amy was not available I had been willing to play along with her and Beth disguised as a girl. If nothing else the revelation that I had performed on stage with the band as a girl at least made Susan consider Kelly's suggestion and with just only eighteen days left before they were due to play the Empire and no female bassist she reluctantly accepted that I was their best shot as a short term replacement. Like Beth, Kelly's personality had changed markedly over the last few months. Once upon a time in the band for the fun of it she too was enthralled by Susan's grand vision. Although Susan had managed to quell most of their narcotic consumption the exposure had introduced Kelly and Beth into a world viewed through uninhibited desire and a sexually motivated view on life... "Beth doesn't agree with me but I think Dick got off on being called Jess on stage, and if I'm right about this... Then there's another big advantage in bringing Jess in." She looked at Beth and gave her a sly wink, "Then we'll have Beth's writing partner cum song doctor in the studio with us... And being honest about it he's a better song writer than any of us, hell Juggernaut, Wine and Rosy, Slave Girl and On the Green are all his songs and they are by far our best." Susan had not considered that and she immediately saw the sense in Kelly's argument. They had been the four-standout songs on the first album and that swayed her towards tolerating the idea long enough to at least seriously consider the concept. When she got home that evening Susan settled down and did a little research into the medical program that transitions a male to female transgendered person and found it was a surprisingly straightforward process. Settling back with a glass of wine she felt pretty sure that she had the tools and with the record companies backing the resources to get me looking convincing. Assuming Beth could talk me into agreeing then one way or another Susan would make sure I was on the transgender program before the band recorded the next album. After being either on the road for almost a year Susan's dominant personality was the driving force behind the band and everyone knew it. As their shows had got gradually more raunchy it was a natural development that when the idea of adding a fetishist edge during the song Slave Girl (a reworking of my folk song Mill Girl's Lament) both Kelly and Amy thought it was a good idea for Susan to play the dominatrix. It was the first sign of the S&M fetish elements that would make Rock Babes performances a year or so later so infamous and popular. With recording the album and then the endless promotional tour Beth had been that busy that other than a couple of post cards I had not seen or heard from her since the bands gig in Manchester just before the album was released the previous November. As that had just been a post gig curry and a couple of beers at my place in reality I had not spent any quality time with her for over a year so it came as pleasant surprise when she phoned out of the blue. "Hey!" I gurgled down the phone, "How's my favourite rock star?" "Not bad," Beth said adding, "Well so long as I don't read what the PR mob are getting the press to write about me in the papers." "And how much is true?" I asked having read in lurid tabloid detail all of the press coverage. "In gist most of it," Beth told me. "Although that's mostly conjecture as I stopped reading the papers ages ago." "Or looking at the photo's?" I teased. "What's wrong with them?" Beth said sharply, in a voice tinged with anger. "Don't be so sensitive Beth!" I laughed. "Trust me you look kind of stunning in them." "So why the comment then," she said defensively. "Want me to list them," I joked. "Well let me see, now for one I never in my life thought I'd see you, my 'I wish I was a bloke' tomboy best friend wearing make-up, high heels, or come to that wearing skirts let alone very revealing mini dresses..." I laughed adding, "Do I have to carry on?" "Tell me about it." Beth laughed. "I guess I've had to kind of get used to all that shit, because when all's said and done at our stage in the business the record company are able to call most of the shots when it comes to publicity and image." After the usual gossipy chatter about things at home, who had married who, which people had been banged up and for what, I finally asked, "So what do you want?" "Nothing I just fancied hearing your voice... Hell I don't know Dick pre second album jitters may be." Beth laughed. "What about you still playing?" "Yeah mainly round the folk clubs," I said. "Folk music... Again!" Beth laughed; she had never understood how my liking for Led Zeppelin had led to taste for country and folk music. "Jesus we got to get you out of there." "Only in my dreams," I laughed. "So when am I going to see you?" "Fingers crossed this Friday if you're free. Susan and I will in Manchester Friday morning for a press interview and then I know I'm staying over night as I've got to go to Liverpool in the afternoon for another interview with drummer magazine." "I'll take the day off so I'm in what ever time you arrive and do you fancy dinner here?" I offered. "Oh, and bring your keyboard I've been working on a couple of songs I think you'll like." Although Beth preferred playing the drums she was a good pianist, when we wrote together she found it easier to play with musical ideas on a keyboard. My dozen or so appearances as Jess had been my very first experiences of crossdressing. Until then I guess it was a mixture of shame and lack of opportunity that stopped me taking my uncertainties about my gender from my dreams into reality until Beth and Kelly unknowingly made the decision for me. Although I did argue the point with them I knew I would agree to wear the padded bra, and make-up when they suggested it. Some how having had them make the first move for me felt like they had also kind of taken responsibility for my interest in crossdressing even after I moved to Manchester and started dressing as 'Ruth' for my own pleasure. As the Rock Babes started to make it big having been so close to Beth all my life I avidly read about how the band were doing in the gossip and music press. I guess I felt a mixture of pleasure for her, and green envy about being able to play our songs to paying punters as much I wished I had to change my look like she had. Although I suspected Beth hated all of the styling and outfits for me the idea of being given such a makeover was something I dreamed of! Chattering for another five minutes Beth ended the call saying, "See you at the weekend." Secretly wishing I were not available she turned to the rest of the band and simply said, "He's available." Susan having looked at the photo's and listened to a couple of performances and demos with me playing, felt sure that Beth and Kelly's assertions about my ability to fit in with them musically were likely true. Even so she still did not like the idea of having a guy in the band, and made sure Beth knew her position commenting, "'Jess' better be as much of a transvestite as Kelly thinks, or this will be going no where!" Although she had studied gender identity it was not a topic Susan knew a lot about, and until she started to read up on the subject she had seriously wondered if what she had in mind would be possible. However after a little thought and her researches she knew it was possible and with her professional contacts Susan had found someone who could (so long as I had not let myself go) give me the appearance of a girl. Having spoken to the woman and reassured herself that it was possible to make a suitable guy look convincingly feminine Susan knew that with Beth's help she would one way or another be able to persuade me to agree to what she had in mind. Suddenly realising just how little time they had left before the Liverpool gig, she spent the next twenty-four hours carefully scheduling the available time even though in her heart she still felt sure that I would never agree. Ever impatient, once everything was in place Susan decided it was pointless wasting a day and told Beth that they were paying me a surprise visit. Driving up the motorway to Manchester that afternoon she questioned Beth carefully about me, picking her mind to get a handle on my likely reaction. Since Beth was giddy with excitement about seeing me she did not notice just how deeply Susan's subtle questions went. Having played devils advocate on the whole issue of bring me into the band, the burden of convincing Beth to agree had fallen on Kelly, who had eventually got Beth's grudging agreement to ask me. Knowing that Beth had serious issues about me becoming the bands permanent bassist because it meant I would have to live permanently as a girl worried Susan. She did not want Beth to get cold feet when the gender requirement was mentioned. Normally when Beth decided to take the edge off a journey with a line or two of nose candy Susan grumbled but this time she kept her mouth shut because she knew the coke would lower Beth's inhibitions about talking me into agreeing to join the Rock Babes. Having heard Beth's, Kelly's and Amy's comments about me, Susan had a pretty good handle on my personality before we met and felt reasonably confident that if she put it to me in the right way she would be able to get me to agree. After booking into the hotel Susan dropped a couple of discrete suggestions into her conversation with Beth in the taxi to my flat. Out of habit I had sent Beth a key when I had moved in some 16 months earlier, and after they arrived at my flat she used it to let herself and Susan in. Sods law said it had to happen because they caught me well and truly out. I had been to the dentists that afternoon I had got home around three, and as was my usual practice when I was not playing of an evening I was going to spend it as Ruth. I had just finished dressing when Beth called, "Only me," and walked in to find me crossdressed. Simultaneously gasping, "Oh my god!" I'm not sure who was more horrified than whom! I was holding my wig wearing a peasant skirt and gypsy top with leather heeled flip-flops showing my painted toes and lots of poorly applied make up, while Beth looked like a bikers whore! I had seen the photos of her new look in the papers but they only told the half of it, because she sounded and even behaved differently. Frozen like statues aware of only the shock in each other's eyes I did not register Susan's presence until she laughed. "Well, well?" Susan gazed at my crossdresser feminised frozen form with a faintly triumphant smile on her face. "Perhaps coming here is not such a crazy idea after all!" She glanced at Beth adding. "She looks kind of cute in a boyish way." Still gob smacked with surprise Beth was looking at me in shock and I felt myself blushing as I stuttered at her, "It's not what you think..." "Good!" Susan giggled. "I hate to think you were going to a fancy dress, dressed like a 70's hippy." Beth's jaw was going up and down silently and then her eyes fixed on me and said, "Your hair!" It was such a typically Beth comment that I instinctively answered, "Work!" The giggle in Susan's tone segued into a smirk when she said to Beth, "I guess this is the real reason why 'she' agreed." She said stressing the feminine pronoun, "So easily to being credited as Jess on the album?" My blush proved her right and eyeing me up and down with a knowing leer on her face Susan added nudging an elbow in to Beth's side. "You know I think you and Kelly might well have been right all along?" "Kelly told you so weeks ago," Beth said the shock at finding me dressed as a girl fading from her face as she pulled herself together saying with giddy giggle that made the hair prickle on my neck. "That our Dick was the only choice." Sensing that I was teetering on the edge between fight and flight Beth grabbed my arm saying. "Please Dick don't..." Her face matched mine as she added with a blush, "Because I like how you're dressed." "Oh?" I blushed. "Erm... shit!" Beth gave me a steadying look and said "Relax." With that familiar lopsided grin dimpling her cheeks she said giving my hand a squeeze. "It's me Beth and regardless of how you chose to dress in the comfort of your own home you're still my best friend." Pulling me into a hug she, planted a kiss on my cheek and said, "God it good to see you pet." There was a loving affection in her tone that let my heart return to where it belonged in my chest, and loosen the knot of anxiety that twisted my stomach inside out. Letting me lose Beth giggled and said, "Meet Susan, and trust me on this one, she would much rather see you dressed like you are, than in street wear." She was giggling like a giddy schoolgirl, and that most certainly was not the behaviour of the Beth Roberts I knew before I could dwell on her strange behaviour, Susan introduced herself into the conversation and basically started charming the hell out of me. Eventually I got round to offering them a cup of tea and scurried off to make it calling, "So what it like then Beth?" "What?" She said. "The touring the recording I want to hear it all." Finally able to ask about the touring and recording I half noticed that Beth's tone was more normal (to me) sounding as she told me of how much fun she had on tour. Our cups were empty by the time she got to Amy's breakdown and told me that the band wanted 'Jess' replace her. I was not so sure. Little knots of anxiety still twisted my guts about being 'busted' in a skirt as I listened to what they were saying. Beth and Susan were offering me a chance to play my songs in front of an audience, and that was enough to make me take the offer seriously. "It will be just like the old days pet," Beth giggled, with her eyes alight with anticipation, "Only the crowds are bigger much bigger!" Tempting me with our shared childhood dreams of playing live, she skated over the feminisation aspects telling me simply. "Obviously you'll have to look the part although given how you're dressed now I don't think that's going to be a problem for you!" I nodded, saying musingly. "That's fair I guess." Beth grinned and squeezed my hand before jabbering with Susan occasionally interjecting a comment or anecdote on about life on the road and the current problems of meeting their contractual obligation to the record company. With out actually saying it they left me in no doubt that the bands survival and everything they had spent the last year or so working for hung in the balance. As she spoke the alarming changes in Beth's demeanour and vocabulary faded into the background, all I saw was Beth asking for my help; of course I was going to say yes. Obviously when I thought about it later the opportunity to perhaps sate a few of my transvestite dreams did add a spice to my agreement, but I would have said yes even if that was not the case. Beth used to be able to read me like a book, but not now, I could see it in her eyes as she gave me a hopeful pleading smile, "Please?" I shrugged, "Okay?" "Mean it?" "Yeah course I do." I nodded as Beth's face lit up with glee. "When have I ever said no to you Beth?" Beth threw her arms round me as she added in a giggly girlishly tone that was shocking different to how her laughter used to sound. "Trust me Dick being in the band is so much fun!" "If he's joining the band then he's not Dick any more sweetie," Susan said. "She your best friend Jessica. Don't forget now?" "Trust me I won't, after all I picked the name in the first place," Beth said winking at me as she asked. "Is the tea still in the same tin Jess?" I nodded. "Good." Susan laughed, asking, "If its not prying when did you start dressing Jess, because Beth never once hinted that you liked to crossdress." I gave Beth an apologetic look and said in an ashamed tone, "I never had the balls to tell her." "Fool!" Beth snickered, adding, "Come on 'fess up, when did you start?" "In my dreams or reality?" I said feeling strangely relaxed. "Both." Susan interjected. Astounding myself by talking about a subject that usually made me cringe I said. "You know we've been friends since before we knew what friends were?" Susan nodded, "Well I guess the first time I was really aware of it was on the day we started primary school and she had to wear a school uniform dress." "Yeah and I wanted your pants!" Beth laughed "She did to, and she bent my ear about the unfairness of school uniforms for years," I joked, "Anyway that said, I didn't actually pluck up the courage to get some real girls clothes, until after I had been on stage may be a dozen times as Jess, and moved to Manchester." I briefly told them of my trip into town and added swapping a grin with Beth, "I've still got that padded bra Kelly made for Jess to wear on stage." "Have you now?" Susan grinned asking if I had ever been out dressed, to a CD club or the like? Knowing that Beth thought the world of Susan, I answered her honestly, "No." "Why not?" Susan asked. "Never had the bottle," I admitted. Unleashing her psychologist training Susan started probing into my transvestite desires. Although I am normally rather stand offish and reserved with people I do not know, I found Susan frighteningly easy to talk to and as Beth was equally interested in my surprising 'hobby' she asked question after question, along with numerous foul mouthed expletives about me never telling her. I guess we had been yakking for about an hour or so when Beth said, "I think another cup of tea is in order." I could not believe the provocative nature of her swishing barely covered ass as she sauntered into the kitchen unimpeded by her five-inch heels. Feeling simultaneously both excited and scared about the way Beth seemingly radiated a come hither male magnet sexuality, because her changed behaviour made a mockery of my long held suspicion that she was an all out dyke! If the Rock Babes stylists had convinced Beth, who loathed all things feminine, to become the provocatively sensual rock star making tea in my kitchen, what would they be able to do with me who had always dreamed of being a girl! Keeping her mouth largely shut past directing the conversation Susan had watched and listened to our chatter with interest. Listening for my intonation and speech patterns carefully while watching and noting the subconscious queue's that would in time allow her to get me to see things the way she wanted, before she went to work on convincing me to accept the medical 'help' she had researched over the previous week. Muttering, "God I hate talking across a room?" Susan stood and with out invitation moved into the seat beside me saying, "If I asked you if you find being able to pass all the time as a girl exciting would you answer me honestly Jess?" "Erm... Yeah." I blushed, "And yeah it does." "Good." Susan said, adding airily, "And if I said that with a trip to a friend of mine for some prosthetic enhancements, a professional make over and some behavioural retraining, you'd probably brush up very pretty, would you like that Jess, to be brushed up pretty?" "Oh yeah!" I said sighing. "You know if you want to look feminine then you'll have to sound more feminine Jess." Susan said introducing me to the first of many lessons that would eventually inhibit any expression of my genetic gender. "Say yes not yeah, and lift your voice at the end of your sentences. Try it say, "Hi I'm Jess and it will be nice playing with my old mates again?" "Hi, I'm Jess and it will be nice playing with my old mates again?" I said trying to copy her example. "Again Jess?" Susan said, "From the top of your throat." After a couple more repartitions Beth called from the kitchen. "Hey that already sounds miles better Jess." Adding to Susan with that giddy giggle that was so unlike Beth I used to know, "Even though I agreed right at the start that we were a girl band Sue, you know I've never felt quite comfy with the idea of not having at least offered Dick, a place as Jess's in the band." "So you've said to many times," Susan said giving me a wink. " And even if we didn't need someone who knows our stuff tout sweet I'll bet you a beer that you'd have suggested Jess." Beth laughed, saying, "That obvious huh?" as she walked back in carrying the teapot. "And looking at you in that outfit Jess... I'm kicking myself for not asking two years ago because?" She examined me carefully before continuing, "Susan's so right you know? With a little work on your appearance and deportment you'll be able to fit the bill, and!" She laughed. "When I think about it I guess I've never really see you as a boy." Before I could interrupt she explained. "I mean in terms of our friendship. I never felt I had to put that front up with you that I did with blokes, you were and are just my friend!" "Thanks." I said with a sigh of relief. I guess deep down I had been on tender hooks about what Beth really thought of me after catching me dressed as a girl and her expression told me all I needed to know. "Just how long do you want me playing with you?" May be I had not been listening properly but I had got it into my head that I was joining as a session musician and assumed that I would be playing on the tour and may be the album. "Oh didn't we say Jess," Susan said with a smirk, "Beth and I are here to ask you to replace Amy?" "Replace?" I said. "Yes sweetie." Susan said. "We want you to be a Rock Babe?" "You're joking?" I gasped, "There's no way I could pass myself off that well!" "As you are now perhaps that's true," Susan mused, "But I'll bet you a 20 note that you'll think differently after you've seen my friend and the bands stylists!" I though about that for a moment, blushing as I recalled how envious I had been when I saw the results of Beth's makeover and asked "And what will they be doing?" "Making you over like they did with me." Beth giggled revealing her unabashed delight in the opportunity to play our songs together in front of a big audience. "So you look fantastic as Jess when we finally get to play together in front of a crowd of cheering fans." "Oh?" I blushed even brighter feeling torn between attraction and fear about just how far they wanted to take what they had in mind for me... "And when Beth says they'll be making you over like her Jess," Susan interrupted, "She means it! You'll have to pass in front the press, the public and everyone else so the record company will need us to really go to town on you..." "And if they don't and I get busted?" I asked admitting at least part of what motivated my apprehensions. "Well if the press do eventually start asking awkward questions about you," Susan said. "Then we can point to the photo's from the early days as Girlz on the first CD as evidence to support your claim that you've always been transgendered. We can produce recordings made when you were still an apprentice at the car plant of you on stage being called Jess by Beth and Kelly in front of an audience." "What out myself?" I laughed, "You've got to be joking?" Susan just smiled saying. "No not out, but arm yourself. If you get found out be ready and have your story, although in today's world being transgendered is nothing to be ashamed of. Hell although its not my field I'll bet most of what you're worried about is due to the perfectly normal sense of shame girls like you feel about being a transgendered and once you been living and expressing yourself as a girl for a while you'll find all that macho bullshit you learned in childhood about it being shameful for a boy to be girlish fading pretty quickly." Susan's arguments did hang together, and I looked at Beth for support and saw her nod and blow me a kiss with a salacious grin on her face telling me she thought I should. "Can I think about it?" I hedged. "Sure." Beth said, "Its your decision," before Susan could set a deadline. "Now if you two are done with the girl talk can we please get to the important part of this evening, Jess you said something about some new songs?" "Oh yeah!" I nodded, "Got your keyboard?" I reached for my guitar and flicked my fingers over the strings to check the tune. "New guitar?" Beth noticed, "Must be getting paid well to afford an Ovation." "Yes, it cost me two months wages but it's worth it." I said with a smile adding, "Your keyboard?" "In a minute." Beth nodded, "Let me listen to what you got first." Rooting round beside the chair I handed Beth a file of music sheets, "I've a half dozen or so kind of finished." I nodded to the file, "Which ones first?" "It says, by the sea?" Beth said, her eyes flicking over the lyrics and music before she handed me the sheet. It was a quirk of mine to jot my riffs and lyrics down on paper as I worked them out and although I would not have felt comfortable about showing the much scribbled out sheets to a stranger Beth was used to my way of working. "Okay," I nodded taking the sheet from her, "I start with that." Although I don't consider myself much of a singer I can hold a tune and singing quietly I played it through for Beth. As usual once I started playing with tune I was working on the world faded and I basically forgot they were there. They clearly liked what they heard but kept their mouths shut until I finished before Susan commented. "I like that," and jerked me back to the reality of sitting there wearing a skirt opposite a grinning Beth who said with a nod. "It's a bit folkie but sounds good, what's next?" "There should be one called Logan's Gun," I grinned, "Which I was going to send via your mum. I guess that its pretty much done, and you'll like this one Beth. Its based on that book 'Logan's Run' you were mad on as a kid." I played all six of my essentially completed songs and the half formed melodies and word patterns I was twiddling with before saying. "Well?"