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Amy 18: My Year of the Girl Copyright 2013 by Amy Komori The original characters and plot of this story are the property of the author. No infringement of pre-existing copyright is intended. This story is copyright (c) 2013 Amy Komori. All rights reserved. Chapter One: I Can't Say I'm Good at Cleaning It, Baby The warm afterglow of our shitty New Year's didn't fade away immediately. Sarah and I crabbed about it at band practice and we all joked about it in the Delacroix cafeteria when school started back. Even Michelle made fun of Bill's weird floor dance thing, but she didn't talk much about Bob. If you asked her, she'd just make some crazy face or change the subject. Or both. Anyways, 2000. Big fucking deal. The computers didn't blow up or anything stupid like that, but every once in a while you had to deal with a girl wearing fairy or pixie wings and glitter on her face. And once that girl was even me, but not nearly so often as Sarah who kind of went pixilated on us for a couple of weeks before coming back down to earth and getting the winter blahs like a normal person. Obviously, attending Cream Corn Superstar's party did nothing to help our standing on the local music scene. Which was zero. Less than zero, really. No shows. But what can you do when you're not old enough to get into clubs? You wait for someone to ask you play a house party or something, or maybe for the city to throw a teen festival. Given our overall popularity around school, the former wasn't going to happen and the city had too many other festivals to worry about without starting a new one to make Silly Monkey happy. So basically we were just high school kids who pretended to be a band whenever we got together in Gina's garage. Only Lena really took it seriously and tried to write new songs and teach me the old ones, which I still had trouble playing all the way through without mistakes. And then it turned colder, clouded up and snowed. Finally! Some excitement! It seemed like half the state shut down. Mrs. Komori and I watched the morning news while I ate a bowl of Kellogg's Corn Flakes and the anchors announced all the school closings. Plus it ran on the ticker below them, in alphabetical order. I let out a happy little yelp when I read Delacroix High was one of them. Outside, the morning was still a deep blue but we could see flakes coming down, dancing in the orangeish security light in the back alley, which was still on due to the gloom. "So, what are your plans for today, Amy?" Mrs. Komori asked. She was already dressed, but I was wearing my pajamas still. Snow or no snow, she had to go to work. "I don't really have any," I told her. At that point I just had this vague idea I'd walk over to Sarah's and we'd make a snowman or some stupid shit like that. Then watch TV the rest of the afternoon. Unless she was doing her homework. Sarah was the most studious girl I knew. "Well, enjoy your time off," Mrs. Komori said, and she was off. Alone-ness. The house was still, but the TV was on so I could hear the talking heads babbling away about whatever. Be careful, icy roads, frozen bridges and blah blah blah. I got on the sofa and wrapped a blanket around myself--one of Emily's, which made me a little sad big sister wasn't there with me--and flipped through the channels. More news, local and national, cartoons, Regis and Kathie Lee, infomercials. Good ol' boredom! Then I watched this morning yoga program and the woman in charge reminded me that I was a baby dyke in the making. The weird thing was feeling attracted to her and yet kind of kin to her in a way, like we were connected. I got off the sofa, moved the coffee table and tried to match some of the poses but even though it was just beginner stuff, they were surprisingly kind of difficult even with my loose-limbed body. My flexibility started to interest me and I forgot about the woman on TV and started concentrating on myself. I pulled one of my wrists back as far as it would go, twisted my spine to a ridiculous degree, then got up and found my balance, leaned way over backwards and put my hands on the floor. Amy, the human arch. Then I did my walkover, which had almost impressed Heidi Fleegleman way back over a year ago now. I can still do it, I thought. It occurred to me I didn't really know my body all that well even though I lived in it. I pulled off my pajama bottoms, let them fall where they might, and sat back down on the floor in my undies. I stretched my legs out and pointed my toes and watched my calf muscles contract. I relaxed. I flexed my thigh muscles and my knees jumped. It was kind of cool. My legs were still pretty brown despite it being winter, my natural coloring sort of a goldeny tan anyways. I'd missed a spot on my left knee shaving and there was a long black hair, kind of fine and lonely looking, curling out from it. I tried to pluck it, but all I did was pull the skin into a little tent. I spread my legs apart as far as they would go, which was pretty amazingly far. Then I lay back and unbuttoned my pajama top and let it fall open. My navel was a dark oval above the bright orange of my undies, my tummy very flat and tan. With one finger, I circled the little cavern as it rose and fell with my breath, then realized I was kind of heating up a little farther down there and I started to think about Gina. Oh fuck. Gina. Gina and Gina and Gina! That led to me rolling over on my stomach and humping away on my hands until I came with tingles, then I got up feeling kind of limp, shaky and embarrassed, my heart flitting away really fast. I nervously looked around for fear Mrs. Komori might have forgotten something, come home and crept up on my on cat feet, unsure of what to say or do about the insane display I was putting on in front of the TV, like a blissed-out supplicant. Or Emily, who would start making fun of me but-- No one. Still trembling, starting to feel very dozey like I needed a nap, but also kind of ashamed and dirty but really warm and happy at the same time--and apologizing to Gina for using her that way even if she'd never know about it--I went to take a shower. By the time I was dressed, my hair still wasn't dry. I had this big helmet of hair, with thick bangs hiding my eyebrows and the tops of my eyes. Michelle called it "Ramones hair," but I thought it made me look like a Japanese Patty Smith. It just took it forever to dry and I hated using a dryer on it. I wrapped a towel around it like women in the movies did, went back into the living room singing a little snatch of "Dance of the Seven Veils" by Liz Phair (chiding some dumbass named Johnny about how he was already dead) to call Sarah and tell her our plans for the day and saw my stupid pajama bottoms lying in a colorfully pastel heap near the TV. Rolling my eyes and cringing a little at what I'd done--I seriously felt like I'd betrayed my friendship with Gina every time I fantasized about her, which was every time I did that, unless Heidi Fleegleman butted in somehow--I picked them up, took them to the bathroom and tossed them in the hamper with the rest of our clothes. Then I called Sarah! "What's happenin', Hot Stuff?" I asked as soon as someone picked up. "Devil Child?" Oh shit! It was Mrs. McAvoy! My face blazed. "Um... Hi. I-is Sarah there?" "Hold on a sec. Staying warm?" She had no idea. I told her I was fine. "Power's out in a few places. Just checking." "Thanks." "I'll get Hot Stuff for you." I winced even though Mrs. McAvoy couldn't see me. Then someone dropped the phone and I knew it was Sarah. I smiled and held my phone away from my ear while she clattered with hers trying to pick it up. "Oh god," she said in this breathless, whispery voice like the total fucking cutie she was. "I'm sorry!" "It's okay. My ears will recover by summer." "What are you doing?" "I'm coming over to your house." "In a blizzard?" "It's not a blizzard. It's just a snow day." "You can come over. I have some homework to finish and then we can drink hot chocolate or--" "Don't do homework, dude. It's a snow day!" "I can't keep my grades up like you do without--" "Yes, you can! You don't need 98s on every stupid test. You're way smarter than everyone at school. Make a 96 this time and let's enjoy SNOW DAY." Chapter Two: Floating in a Bubble Sarah couldn't resist. I knew she was being pulled in two different directions. School and I were very important both, but in the end, I was more so. Unfortunately, I had to walk all the way to her house. Fortunately, the snow was gorgeous, falling on the knit ski cap I was wearing with a stupid fluffy ball on top, in my eyelashes, on the shoulders of my heavy winter coat, this hooded monstrosity with fake fur--at least I hoped it was fake. Underneath it, I was layered up to beat the cold. I had on a cardigan that was starting to fray, a baseball tee, a thermal tee under that, boy jeans, some black Converse hi-tops. I had a shoulder bag, too, kind of like a messenger bag but not as trendy. Just a bag with some Mentos, tissues, receipts from fuck knows and random things like Dragonball figures and this old toy pearl necklace Emily used to wear when we first started dating but she'd handed down to me and I'd broken the clasp. My usual casual look, unless I was skating, in which case I wore giant pants. My clothes helped for a while, but it wasn't long before the warmth I'd brought with me from home dissipated and my bones started rattling. My breath puffed in little clouds and by the time I was at Sarah's, my shoes were soaked. I wasn't sure if you could skate in snow, but I definitely wished I'd at least given it a try. I made a mental note to do just that on the next snow day, which would probably be in four years. At least the snow was gorgeous. "I totally forgot snow was wet!" I huffed as Sarah's mom let me into their house. "Poor baby," Mrs. McAvoy said, sincerely worried about me, especially since I was shivering. "Get them off and let's get you warmed up!" My nose was running and when I went to blow it with some of the very handy tissue from my very handy bag, it felt like I'd turned into a healthy dog instead of a half-frozen girl. Then Sarah came sliding into the room, her face beaming. She was in a fleece top with a Nordic type print and this long olive skirt that looked really cozy. On her feet were some pink fuzzy slippers. "No way, dude!" I exclaimed. "Are those new?" "They are," Sarah said shyly and smiled. She was blushing, too. She was so cute when she blushed, her face turning almost as red as her long curly hair. "Your voice sounds funny." "My face is frozen." "Your socks are soaked, too," Mrs. McAvoy told me, which wasn't exactly news. She went back to her room and brought me some big fuzzy winter socks of hers which were actually too large for me. She also helped me dry my feet with a warm towel and suddenly I felt warm inside basking in the McAvoy love. I kind of wanted to sing. "You look funny," Sarah said. "Jou keep useeng that word. I do not theenk eet means what jou theenk eet means. What do you mean by funny?" "I don't know. You're smiling so weird." "My face is still frozen! Stop looking at me!" Well, it had nothing to do with a cold face and everything to do with being loved. I was helpless against the McAvoys. I could have been the worst person in the world, and they would still have let me in and taken me to heart. In return, I hearted them. It was so cozy with them. I followed Sarah back to her room. I struggled out of my coat and sweater and we were there for about two seconds when the phone rang and Mrs. McAvoy told us it was Gina and she wanted to speak to me. "Hello," I said in this prim little voice. "May I ask who's calling?" "Shut the fuck up, dude," Gina said. "Dude! Mrs. McAvoy probably hasn't hung up yet!" I warned her. "Oh shit! Sorry!" "Be quiet for a second." I looked at Sarah, who just had this confused expression. I listened for her mom, heard her bustling in the kitchen making lunch or something, started breathing again. "It's safe." "I called you at your house but you weren't there." "No shit. I wonder where I was." "Somewhere being a bitch, probably. Anyways, guess what." "What?" "There's the world's biggest snowball fight going on all over downtown. They're not even stopping for traffic." "People are driving in this?" "I don't know! Snowball fight! Are you in?" "By the time we get there all the good snow will be gone. Sarah and I have to walk. I almost got frostbite coming over here already." "You suck! You guys are so lame, you know that? This is like the biggest thing we've ever had the chance to be part of and you're like, 'Oh, my toes are too cold.'" The problem was, I was really trying to hide a huge girl boner I'd developed while talking to Gina. It wasn't my fault. First the McAvoys made me all emotional and vulnerable with their niceness, then Gina assaulted me with her mean sexiness. My face was all warm and I felt like I had a fever, plus my heart was tap-dancing and stomach was dancing like jazz or free-form deep inside my whole belly area. But she was really pissing me off, too. "Okay, smart ass," I said, hoping my voice didn't sound too vibrato. "We're coming down there and we're going to snowball the shit out of you." "You're gonna be on my side, dummy. We're all on the same team. Silly Monkey!" "What are you guys talking about?" Sarah asked in a whisper. "Some stupid snowball fight we're going to get in on. It's like a riot downtown, apparently. There's like ten thousand students and cops fighting it out. They're probably going to call out the National Guard." "I don't think my mom will let do something like that." I rolled my eyes. "We'll meet you by the bookstore on College Square," I told Gina. "We're gonna have to hike it so I don't know how long." "I'll be there at 1." "Did you call anyone?" "No, just you. Michelle called me. Dallas is coming, too." "Oh my god. We're gonna lose. Who are we fighting?" "EVERYONE!" So I put all my winter shit back on and helped Sarah into hers. She added her own knit cap with ear flaps and these long braided things that hung down and then a scarf. She looked adorable. "Oh my god," I told her, "I totally wanna fuck you." Sarah smiled and came at me like she was going to kiss me but we just stood there giggling like two idiots. I mean, obviously, I didn't really want to fuck Sarah. She was my best friend, but it was fun telling her stupid things like that. Usually she'd get all flustered, so her pretending to be into it this time caught me by surprise. Like I said, I'd already experienced a double emotional punch to the heart--and I still wasn't over talking to Gina--so I kind of got caught up in laughing and couldn't stop, even when my eyes flooded with tears and I couldn't breathe. "Are you okay?" Sarah asked, rubbing my back in big circles as I coughed. "Yeah..." "Lunch!" Mrs. McAvoy called from the kitchen, but we ran past her shouting our apologies, put on our shoes, ran as far as we could down the block before the frigid air seared our throats and forced us to a slow walk, made our way past snowmen in trampled yards and cars with iced-over windshields and caps of pristine white snow until we made it downtown where cops were working over the scene of a nasty little accident but there was no snowball fight in progress. Nothing. Especially not the riot Gina had made it out to be. Sarah and I looked up and down the neatly gridded streets, which looked kind of alien blanketed in white under a matching sky, then over on the lawns of the north campus of the university where stately old buildings stood under dead trees all fluffed as if they'd suddenly blossomed. Yeah, there were a few students there frolicking or whatever it was people did in snow, but no sign of epic struggles between good and evil. "Fuck, dude," I gasped in exasperation. "This happens every single time!" "What does?" "Gina gets all in this huge uproar about something and it turns out to be shit." "Maybe we missed it." "If it even existed in the first place." My disappointment caught even me by surprise. For the second time in an hour tears flowed out of my eyes and this time I wasn't sure if it was because I was upset or because of the stinging cold wind in them. Either way, I wiped them on my coat sleeve and said, "Let's find Gina and give her the business." "What does that mean?" "I think it means fuck her shit up." But I didn't really have any plan to do that. Still leaking from my eyes and embarrassed about it--I wouldn't look directly at Sarah while we walked in the hopes she wouldn't notice--all I wanted to do was see Gina. I wanted to be with her. In more ways than one, but I'd settle for just hanging out. Maybe we could go to Starbucks and get hot cocoa or something, talk about Silly Monkey and salvage our afternoon. And lo and behold, who did we see but Heidi Fleegleman, the Winter Queen herself, with an entourage of girls from our school. Not quite the whole cheerleading squad, but the ones who were closest friends. Tara, Heather, Lauren and the ever-popular Ashleigh Bodine. They hadn't seen us and that changed everything in a flash. Chapter Three: I Can't Help Myself I made Sarah go into the nearest open store, which turned out to be a chocolate shop. Which was okay, because who doesn't like chocolate? I kept going to the door and spying, but Heidi and friends had disappeared. I knew the direction they were heading in, though. "Are you girls going to buy something?" this woman asked. Sarah talked to her for a while and I pretended to be intensely interested in the Valentine's assortments. After all, the lover's holiday was only a month or so away, and what was I but a young lover? Again, my heart was flittering away. Only it wasn't Gina this time--it was Heidi and I hated myself for it but at the same time, I loved myself for it, too because as much as I despised her we both knew we had something sparking. Sarah and I ended up buying some of those gold foil- wrapped chocolate treasure coins in a little red nylon net. "We can dip them in cocoa," Sarah suggested as we went back out into the cold. I'd told her I was down for something warm to drink, but I'd been kind of babbly because I was excited. "Shut up for a second and listen," I told her in all seriousness. Sarah's face went into instant attention mode, with the same expression she had when the teacher told us about valence shells or whatever in class. "Listening." "The reason I pulled you into that store was because I saw Heidi--" "Oh my god! You did?" "LISTEN!" "Listening." "I saw Heidi Fleegleman and like every cheerleader. And even though Gina turned out to be full of shit, she gave me the best idea." Sarah was already nodding. It was as if we shared a telepathic link and she knew what I was thinking. I made her follow me and we set out around the corner in search of Heidi. "Ashleigh Bodine and everyone," I muttered. "AMY!" I almost leaped into what little traffic there was. I may have even given a little shriek. It was Michelle, Gina and Dallas. They were all bundled up for a winter day with knit caps and heavy coats and their noses and cheeks were blushed from the cold. Only on Dallas it looked more like a cold or a mild flu. "Oh my fucking god," Michelle said through gales of laughter. "You should have seen your face! Your eyes were like this big!" She held up her fingers in O shapes. "I hate you," I told her, my eyes narrow black lines now. "Well, I don't hate you. I'm pregnant with your baby." "Not mine." Dallas made a dying face and I wanted to slap her. "Yeah, this is some huge snowball fight, Gina," I said in this snotty voice. "I don't know when I've ever seen a more amazing bunch of snowballs." "It must have ended early," Gina said, surprisingly put out. "I swear I heard it was going on." "You heard from this pile of shit," I said, pointing at Michelle. "This pile of shit has a thousand eyes," Michelle said and pretended to draw in a winning jackpot from a game of cards. "Well, there's gonna be a real snowball fight in a few minutes," I said. Then I told them what was up. Well, not the part about how my confused hate/love for Heidi inspired it. Just the hate part. Of course Dallas didn't want any part of it, but Gina was all in instantly. "I hate that Ashley Bodine," Gina said with vehemence surprising even for her. (I prayed to Satan to just take away the stain of Heidi-ism and leave me pure with Gina-osity, but no such luck). Michelle was kind of like, okay, yeah, since there's nothing else going on. Then Sarah was like she had no idea what I was talking about. "What?" I exclaimed. "Like two minutes ago you were helping me!" "I thought we were looking for Gina." "What? How could you even think that? I was talking about Heidi and you were all, 'Let's go fuck her shit up.'" "That's what you said about Gina earlier!" "Oh yeah." Well, so much for mental telepathy. "Are you going to go with us or what?" Sarah nodded, but the parts of her face that weren't already super pink from the cold turned extra pale. "I'm freeeeezing," Dallas suddenly piped up. "Whatever we're doing, can it wait until after we've had something hot to drink? Let's go to Wake Up and get coffee or hot chocolate or something." I stared at her with narrow eyes. "Or let's go fuck Heidi's shit up," Dallas finally said in this defeated tone. Total unhappiness. I made them follow me and we didn't have to hunt for Heidi and company for all that long. They were just around the next corner, looking at jewelry in a store window. My stomach felt like someone had taken it in her palm and given it a good squeeze. All that fresh cheerleader, just standing there in the open! Heidi looked like something impossibly beautiful, still kind of tan despite summer being years ago, cornsilk hair spilling from under a pale purple beanie, a matching scarf around her slender neck and wrapped around her shoulders, a long white coat and dark black pants and black bump-toed shoes, like the perfect vision stepped out of a Seventeen magazine winter fashion trend story (of which I'd read quite a bit more than I cared to admit in present company). So impossibly regal, so impossibly remote and with that self-assurance I knew was a false front now, a fa?ade she put on because she was supposed to be Heidi Fleegleman with her whole life this constant upward movement towards perfection. I leaned over, scooped up snow and started forming it into a ball as I ran at them. Oh, and I was screaming with rage. My first snowball flew wide and thumped into one of the trees that lined the sidewalks. During Christmas season, the town decorated them with lights but they were mostly bare and trimmed back now. More snowballs flew and I heard both Gina and Michelle screaming and laughing. Heidi was turning towards us, still smiling, still playing the queen, when I let loose with my next snowball, which I'd packed just a little too hard in my adrenaline-infused state of craziness. Amazingly, it flew on a direct beam for Heidi's face. Okay, the expression "throws like a girl" came to mind, but that's not what I did. While I had never been the most athletic of guys back in the day, I had played Little League. Well, one year and mostly on the bench, but I'd never missed a practice or a game. And I'd played lots of backyard ball and all that shit most boys do growing up unless they're total couch potatoes or gay. Or even if they are gay because to my mind, there were probably a lot of gay athletes who just didn't come out and admit it because athletes were supposed to be not gay. So even though going through this whole age reduction sex changing process had rendered me ultimately as weak as a mouse, it hadn't taken away my muscle memory. I still knew how to throw, even if it wasn't something I did very often. Or at all these days. Added to that was my weird graceful athleticism honed by endless days hurling my body up and down the vert at the skatepark and I could throw pretty hard for someone my size, age and gender. So anyways, the snowball made a wet, white streak and exploded right in Heidi's face. Well, actually it didn't explode so much as Heidi's face did. Her eyes shut, her head jerked back, her beanie flew off and her hands flew up to cover her nose and down she went on her knees, her blonde hair falling around her shoulders like rain. As did a steady stream of little red droplets from under her hands, making a happy little polka dot pattern on the slushy gray concrete in front of her. A few softer snowballs hit Ashleigh Bodine and the others but then they abruptly stopped. I turned to see Gina, her eyes wide, her mouth moving. She said, "Oh my god." "HOLY SHIT!" Michelle screamed right in my ear, her breath wet and hot. Then we were running and no one was laughing. We hauled ass back to College Square and regrouped in front of the chocolate shop where it had all began just a few minutes earlier. We were all breathing heavily, and my throat was burning. It hurt so much my eyes welled up. "Oh my god," Gina said, gasping. "I think you broke her nose." "Shut up!" I told her. I felt angry with her for saying that and also sick with myself. There was nothing triumphant about what had happened. It was just supposed to be a stupid prank, and no matter what crap Heidi had done to me the last thing I'd ever wanted to do was actually injure her. Also, I was scared to death of being arrested. What was it? Assault? Attempted murder? I couldn't think straight, but I kept getting these mental flashes, these super-vivid images of standing in court with Mrs. Komori paying thousands in medical bills all because I had this stupid high school rivalry with a girl who wanted to fuck me and couldn't handle those feelings--and I wanted to fuck her back and neither could I. What a mess. "I... I didn't break her nose, did I?" I squeaked. "Fuck her," Gina said. "Fuckin' Mulan! If you broke her nose you totally fucking rule as far as I'm concerned." "No, I don't," I said. "I'm going to be in huge trouble." "She went down like she was shot," Dallas said miserably. "You're not helping, dude," Gina said. Then she started rubbing my back, which I hate to say excited me more than it should have, which just made me feel even more confused and fucked up. Then she said, "You're not going to be in any trouble, Amy. It was a stupid snowball. So you packed it too hard. Things happen." "It was an accident," Sarah said softly. "That's all." "I'm not feeling any better!" I said and it came out in a wail. "You're not feeling any better," Michelle said. "Heidi isn't, either." For the second time that afternoon I had to glare at someone. Chapter Four: We Can't Avoid We went to Wake Up and got hot chocolate, which Michelle called "hot cocoa," which kind of revived my spirits. But I still felt jumpy and kept watching out the window for Heidi, Ashleigh Bodine, Heather and the rest at the head of mob of cops or something. Or would Heidi wait until she got home and I'd be trying to act all normal in front of Mrs. Komori at dinner and the phone would ring... I slumped on the sofa near the bathrooms where we sat and tried to listen to the conversations around me and not think about what a shambles I'd made of snow day. Dallas had some art project she was working on and Sarah wanted to know all about it. I couldn't really concentrate on that and when Michelle tried to talk to me about some skates she wanted, I just gave her one word answers, my hands shaking and my eyes watery. Every so often either she or Gina would make me laugh, but it sounded kind of shaky to me. The thing I concluded as I stared at the plastic top of my hot cocoa cup was that I seriously hated myself. I was a horrible person. I was in love with one of my best friends and used her for fantasy fodder for my shameful acts of self-pleasuring, I was in lust with another girl and had lost control of myself and broken her nose, I was costing Mrs. Komori untold amounts in legal fees--not to mention I'd been trying to figure out a way to get her to buy me a bass, which was a totally selfish way of thinking when I considered all the things she'd already done for me and I wasn't even really her daughter, I was just this freak who'd had a dick at one time and now was this immature, ungrateful little brat. Would I ever grow up to be as cool as Emily? I had my doubts I'd survive to grow up at all. Plus, Dallas kept staring at me, which was seriously annoying me. Was she feeling sorry for me? That was my job, dammit! Only I was allowed to feel sorry for me. "What are you looking at?" I asked her. She blushed and looked away. Great, I thought. That came out a lot meaner than I'd wanted and now I've even hurt a friend. Who I don't even like all that much, which shows again what a shitty person I've become. Oh fuck, if I survive this latest crisis, I'm going to try to be a better person. I really am! But I was just kidding myself, and I knew it. I was so sleepy suddenly. I yawned. After a while we split up and headed home. For whatever reason, Dallas went with Sarah and me and they talked while I walked along checking behind us the whole time to see if anyone was following. The sun came out and glittered on the snow as the clouds broke up into big fluffy sheepdogs chasing each other across the sky. Mrs. McAvoy made more hot chocolate for us and we laughed about Michelle's insisting it was cocoa. Then we three went back to Sarah's room and listened to Cibo Matto ("Stereotype A," which Sarah had only just recently bought even though I'd had it since like a day or two after its release way back the previous summer and begged and begged for her to buy ever since) for a while. "I like this," Dallas said. "They were on 'Buffy.'" I frowned. "That's that vampire show." "Yeah..." Dallas let her part of the conversation die. Or maybe it was stillborn from the start. "Why did it take you so long to buy this?" I asked Sarah. She shrugged. "Have you heard 'To Venus and Back?'" Dallas asked. Sarah nodded, but I had no idea what this Venus thing was. Dallas saw through my ignorance and told me it was Tori Amos. She and Sarah talked about her for a while after that and I just sat and kind of half-listened to them and to Cibo Matto. I had developed an appreciation for Tori Amos (I had "Little Earthquakes" somewhere in my collection of CDs at home, but hadn't listened to it very often), but Miho and Yuka spoke to my heart more than she did. Mostly I was just thinking about being a snowball assassin. Dallas and Sarah went on like best friends while I let myself retreat into the background and finally Dallas went home. "You're not talking much," Sarah said. Now it was my turn to shrug. I could tell from the deepening purple through the window I needed to go home, too. "I probably should get going..." "Are you still upset about that whole Heidi thing?" Sarah asked, her voice a little hesitant like she was tiptoeing around shattered glass in barefeet. Talking to me sometimes was like that for her. I shook my head. "No. Not really. It's just been kind of a busy day." "I don't think you broke her nose," Sarah said as we went down the hallway. At the door I put on my shoes again. "Yeah..." I smiled. The next day was just school as usual. Cars looked kind of dingy or dusty around their fenders and dirty snow hung on in the shadows under roof overhangs or on the roofs themselves, but it was just cold and nothing special. I answered roll in homeroom, went to first period and waited for the hammer to fall. What I expected was to be called out of class and asked to report to the principal's office where the cops would be there and Mrs. Komori looking the same way she had that time long ago when I'd been arrested for shoplifting. This would be worse. I didn't have a whole lot to say between classes when I ran into my friends. Finally, in the crowded hallway, I bumped into someone tall and when she turned around, it was Heidi, looking totally fine, not even a pink mark to show for having had a snowball draw nose blood. That didn't stop her from nailing me with this slit-eyed look of total hate. Then she pushed by me and went on her way without even looking back. "What the fuck, dude?" someone said next to me. Gina. Relief swept over me. "What did she say?" Gina asked. "Nothing, dude," I told her and shrugged. I looked a lot cooler than I felt. "Doesn't look like you broke her nose." "I guess not." We split up to head for our classes, but I was feeling a whole lot better. So I hadn't hurt Heidi all that bad. I felt silly and stupid, but it felt so fucking good to feel silly and stupid. But as these things will, word got back to me that I was on someone's shit list. I didn't have to spend a whole lot of time guessing who that someone was. At this rate, I would never be elected Homecoming Queen. Just thinking that kind of warmed me up and I accepted my fate. I was marked for death. At some point, Heidi was going to land on me with the full force of her overwhelming popularity. But I still had my friends, the people who loved me best. I started cutting up with my them at lunch, and Michelle did this impression of Heidi's expression right before the snowball hit her face that had us all laughing. I looked over my shoulder and Heidi and her friends were chatting as usual at their table. I stared at her, kind of chewing my tongue but not really thinking anything. God, but she made me feel so weird inside. After what might have been two seconds or two hours, Heidi glanced over her shoulder and we made eye contact. We held it. She mouthed something at me, but I totally sucked at lip reading. It might have been Fuck you or it might have been I want to fuck you or it might have been I'm going to fuck your shit up. I know fuck was in there. When we broke our stares and I went back to my friends and I felt kind of like that old saying about someone walking over your grave or whatever, I saw Dallas looking right at me. She stared at my eyes, too, then quickly looked down at her tray and started pushing food around aimlessly. Michelle was looking at me, too. "So you noticed, huh?" she asked. "I noticed what? Your smelly breath?" "She's been shooting daggers at you behind your back all day." "You're just now telling me this?" "Because you're just now awake to the situation." "What situation is that?" "The situation between you and Heidi." "Oh, that situation. Yeah, people sure have been shitting from their faces about that all day." "Yeah, people talk." "Well, you were acting like it was so cute a minute ago." "It was. It is. You are. You're cute as a bug but you're gonna get squashed if you don't watch out. And if you don't trust your friends." "What do you mean?" Michelle grinned and threw an arm around my shoulders and gave me a squeeze. "We love you and don't wanna see you get hurt." My Year of the Girl. It started at that moment. Not at that shitty New Year's party, or the moment the snowball left my hand and could never be recalled. It happened with Michelle's arm around me and I knew we were sisters inside. A few years ago, I'd been a guy. Then someone got a mad on about me and presto-change-o biological nightmare. Whatever maturity I'd gained up to that point was taken away and what was left was what any kid would have. I had cracked some, too. But mentally, being in here was like someone had moved out of a house and left all his shit behind and I'd moved in with a lot of new things and all the boxes I found there filled with irrelevancies about guyness was useless to me. I could open the boxes and recognize it, but it was mostly instruction books in a foreign language, I thought. Photo albums, too. Clothes that didn't fit or were so out of style only a total idiot would consider parading around in them. After a while, I'd realized my new life wasn't living without a dick, about no longer being a guy; it was living with a vagina and more, being a girl all the things that meant for better or worse. I'd long ago made up my mind to put aside boyish things and become a girl. At the time I'd thought that just meant accepting my body and brain, hanging out with my friends and doing the things they did. Well, that took a whole other year and while it helped me organize those old boxes and find ways to decorate the house to my liking, but it was the same house. Now I was ready to move out into my own place. And once I did that, I'd have to somehow become a woman. I mean, via the usual route of going through high school and college and all that. I was ready for it. I was really excited about it and I felt my heart beating faster. Movement and change. I could grow up again and fucked up in amazing new ways! So this would be the year I started really being Amy and figuring out who I was not because I'd been a guy but because I was a girl. My Year of the Girl. The secret was, whatever would happen was going to hurt a lot before it became bliss, if it ever did. A personal war would rage around me during the move, while I was most exposed and vulnerable--as if I didn't have enough to deal with. A portable, personal war, all my own, in my heart, in my pocket. Which I'd started with a snowball. What was going to happen to me? Was Heidi going to kill me? Would I finally be the daughter Mrs. Komori deserved? Would I stop destroying everything I touched and start creating something? Would I win? I wanted all those things. Well, not that first one. The others. I didn't have to go it alone, either. They'd be my allies, helpers, assistants, teachers and guides in the coming clash. I looked at the faces around me, all smiling (except Dallas who was sipping water and kind of looking off to the side thinking her own thoughts). My sisters. As much as Emily. Michelle, who looked so much like me people thought we were related or just outright confused the two of us; Gina, whose girlfriend I wanted to be forever; Sarah, a red-haired fairy princess; Dallas, who creeped me out at times but was really a creative, deep person. I smiled, too. I bit my lower lip, smiled in this evil way I was become every so increasingly accomplished at, looked away to the side and said in a cartoony helium voice, "People have been coming to kill me ever since I was a boy."