Howie Returns to PennsylvaniaChapter 3
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How I Became Myself (Part 1) free porn video
I guess I should start my story with my childhood briefly. I never got
along with my parents since my childhood. The memories of my childhood
were vague and incomplete; the only thing I really remembered about my
life before the age of 10 was that I was extremely scared of my father and
I didn't get along with my mother. I got nominal grades in high school;
which was enough to get me into a state college at the other end of the
state from my parents. I have an older sister, but she moved out when she
turned 18 (I was 11) and I never really stayed in touch with her. I
basically stayed out of my parent's life and they pretty much wanted
nothing to do with me. Worked out great and I was finally on my own.
I never dated in high school. I was not exactly what you would call a
stud. I'm only 5'7" tall and I'm very skinny. It was always the reason
why I thought my father hated me. He was an alpha male athlete type and I
inherited my mother's physique. I had no desire to play any sports and
wouldn't have been any good if I tried. Girls were not really interested
in me. I was fascinated by them, though. I would stare at the groups of
pretty girls all day long at school. There was something about them, but
I never put a finger on it until a few years ago. Anyway, most of the
girls took me for a pervert; and I pretty much thought of myself as one at
the time. I finally finished high school and was off to college and more
than ready to start living a real life.
It was during my second semester of my freshman year that I met Jessica.
We sat next to each other in World History 101 and we started talking.
Jessica is not a beauty queen by any standards, but she is not ugly
either. We became friends. Well at least I only wanted to be friends.
Jessica wanted it to be more; and I gave in after a few weeks. I didn't
want to lose her as a friend so I went along with the relationship. After
a few months of dating, I actually thought I might have feelings for her.
I still had that feeling in the back of my head that this wasn't what I
wanted, but I instinctively brushed those thoughts away. Every guy wanted
a girl, didn't they? I just wanted to be normal, so I mistook wanted
normalcy for love.
Jessica and I both were going to live off campus for our sophomore year,
so we each got apartments. We continued dating and things seemed to be
going very well. We began hanging out with a group of Jessica's friends
that were theater majors. Jessica's friends became my friends too. I was
a history major and I never really tried to make too many other friends.
Like I said, things were going great until one unassuming day in October.
Jessica and I were going to attend the theater school's annual Halloween
party. The party was a few weeks away and Jessica wanted to do our
costumes. She was really into that and wanted to impress her friends with
our costumes. She knew that most of the people would have extravagant
costumes, being theater majors; so Jessica wanted to do something
different that would still show off her wardrobe and makeup skills. The
day was getting close and Jessica had finally come up with an idea and
wanted to run it by me. She said most of the people were going as
classical people so she wanted to be contemporary; so she came up with
John McCain and Sarah Palin. I didn't really think that would do much to
show off her skills until she said that she was going to be McCain and I
was going to be Palin. She said that I fit Sarah Palin's physique more
than her, which was true because I was smaller than Jessica by and inch
and Jessica was a little on the overweight side, and I was skinny Jessica
was all excited and told me how the work on her would be more intense than
on me. I could tell she really wanted to do it, so I went along with her.
I was actually looking forward to the party now, for some reason.
The afternoon of the party, Jessica came over with the stuff for my
costume. She was already done up. Jessica really looked like McCain.
She had help with her costume from another friend in the program and she
looked great. I told her so and she thanked me and told me to get
undressed down to my boxers. I had already shaved my legs per her orders.
Jessica handed me prosthesis than attached around my hips to give me a
woman's curves. Jessica then had me put on a corset; that was not
pleasant. I couldn't breathe very well even though she barely tightened
it. Jessica told me to not be a baby and she slipped a set of false
breasts that strapped on me like a bra. Jessica gave me once over and
told me that my arms were too hairy, so she shaved the hair off my
forearms! She told me that she was going for believability and it needed
to be done. At this point, I should have been uncomfortable about my
predicament; but I wasn't. I just let her go to work. Jessica then
handed me a white woman's tee that had lace around the neckline. I put it
on and she then had me sit on the bed while she slid on some nude colored
pantyhose. Once that was done, Jessica had me step into a half-slip that
was made of spandex and hugged my legs. I had to admit that the soft
material felt nice on me. Jessica laughed at that remark and had me step
into the red pencil skirt that she brought. The skirt hugged my new
curves and fit perfectly. I was then led to my dining room table and
Jessica wrapped a sheet around my shoulders. Jessica then applied my
makeup. She attached false lashes first and then went to work on my face.
She stood back and smiled, saying that this was going to look great. She
finished with the makeup and then put false nails on my hands that had red
nail polish on them already. Jessica then went back to my room and came
back with a wig of long, dark brown hair. She set the wig on me and
brushed it out; then she pinned the hair in an up-do. Again, she gave me
a long look and smiled and told me I was almost done. I was given a set
of clip-on earrings that were the dangly kind, which she put on me.
Jessica then gave me a pair of fake glasses and I slipped them on.
Jessica put a pair of red flats on my feet. Jessica was all smiles as she
told me to go look at myself in the mirror. I walked over (very carefully
in the pencil skirt) and gave myself a look. I looked at myself and ...
I woke up sitting on a chair. Jessica asked me if I was alright with as
worried a look as she could give with all her makeup on. I asked her what
happened and she told me I fainted as soon as I looked in the mirror. I
went to get up and I was still a little dizzy, but I soon overcame it. I
told her I was fine now and I went over to look again. My heart started
racing as I saw myself dressed like a girl. What was going on? Why am I
all flustered? I started to get dizzy again and I had to sit down.
Jessica then thought that I needed to see a doctor, but I shrugged that
off and told her I would be ok in a minute. I sat on the chair thinking
about why this was happening? I finally got control of myself and told
her I was alright and after some convincing on my part, we went to the
party. All I could think about was how I felt. Why was looking like this
making me feel this way? We got to the party and I concentrated on
talking to people and not thinking about it; but I couldn't stop. I went
into a restroom and just stared at myself. I didn't really look like
Sarah Palin in the face, but I did look like a girl. The thought of
looking like a girl started making me dizzy again. I left the restroom
and went to find Jessica. I told her I wasn't feeling well and we left.
Back at my apartment, I told her I just needed rest and told her to go
back and have a good time. I really just wanted her gone. I convinced
her enough to go back and once she was gone, I went back to the mirror. I
sat in a chair in front of the mirror and just looked at myself. I forced
myself to think about why I was getting all flustered and I just couldn't
come up with the reason. Something was there in my mind, but I couldn't
figure it out. I finally had enough (after a few hours) and I got
undressed and took off the makeup and everything. I looked in the mirror
after I was completely undressed and...nothing. I felt fine. Jessica
called after she got home and I told her I felt better after sleeping a
little. Jessica said her goodnight and I went to bed.
Over the next few days I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened.
It was eating at my brain and I became consumed with it. I finally knew I
had to do something about it, so I went to my psychology professor's
office one day and asked him about it. He told me that I might have a
repressed memory of some kind and he told me to go see the psychiatrist on
campus for students. I made an appointment and went to see her. Dr.
Anderson, after I told her my story and my life history in a couple of
sessions, came to the same conclusion and wanted me to go have some
hypnosis-therapy done. I agreed and she sent me to another doctor. Dr.
Morrow was fluent in hypnosis and had me under in no time.
I awoke crying my eyes out! I was crying because I knew what was wrong.
My life had been a total lie! My father...damn him to hell! I was
relieved, sad, horrified and angry all at once. All of my earliest
childhood memories that I had blocked out do to fear of my father came
rushing back to me. The realization of what I was then hit me and I cried
even more. I was not normal at all. I was different and I felt more
alone than ever. I knew that my life would never be the same. What was I
going to do? I needed time to sort out all my feelings. What was I going
to say to Jessica? This will devastate her! I knew that I didn't want to
hurt her. I left the session and decided that I wasn't going to tell
Jessica anything yet. I kept my secret to myself until I had a few more
sessions and some time to think things through. Dr. Anderson, at our next
session, started with going over the hypnosis. She asked me if I still
felt the way I did as a child. As you all can guess, all of my childhood
memories involved me wanting to be a girl. Every one of them that were
brought up in the hypnosis was of me asking my mother when I was going to
be a girl or telling my mom that I was a girl. There was one memory of my
sister letting me wear on of her old dresses and I was so happy! My
happiest times were of me pretending to be a mom or a wife or a princess.
It's all I ever talked about. Dr. Anderson told me to think about that
and that we would talk about it next visit. It only took me a few minutes
to realize that I still felt that way. I desperately felt like I was
wrong. It all made sense now. The way I would stare at the girls in high
school; I didn't want them, I wanted to BE them! I WAS them, at least in
my heart and soul. I also knew why I hid it. My father caught me dressed
in my mother's clothes and he beat the hell out of me. My mother never
yelled at him and told me that it was for my own good. I am deathly
afraid of him and now I know why I hate my mother so much. I idolized her
as a child and she let me down. I cried myself to sleep for the next few
nights over all of it. I kept my feeling hidden from Jessica when she was
around. I told her that I just needed to be alone for a little while to
sort things out. Winter break was the perfect time for her to go home
while I stayed to get myself together.
Over the holidays, I kept going to therapy and my initial reaction was
that, yes I did feel like I was a woman trapped in a man's body; but I
wanted to stop feeling that way. I didn't want to hurt Jessica and I
thought I could put up with how I felt about myself for her sake. Dr.
Anderson told me she would respect my decision and try to help me overcome
my feelings; but I could tell that she thought that was the wrong
decision.
When Jessica came back from the holiday break, I pretended like I was all
better and my episode was over. I played the part of the boyfriend. I
was miserable inside. I was not attracted to Jessica sexually at all. I
loved her as a friend and that was all. I knew I should tell her but I
just couldn't bring myself to do it; so I thought that with therapy I
could overcome my feelings. I didn't. The feelings became overwhelming
and my relationship with Jessica took the brunt of my misery. We fought a
lot and I just couldn't get myself to sleep with her anymore. It was
always a chore, but now I know that I am not attracted to women that way.
Any time Jessica wanted to get amorous, I would instantly drive her away
with some excuse. The beginning of the end between us happened right
before summer break. Jessica had planned a vacation for both of us, not
anywhere fancy but just somewhere where we could be alone and try one last
time to make it work. I felt so bad for her but was too cowardly to tell
her the truth. I just didn't want to lose my only friend.
During the time leading up to summer break, I had begun crossdressing. It
started with the clothes from the Halloween party. The thought of wearing
them again grew and grew in me until one day, when I knew Jessica wouldn't
be coming over, I put them on. It was instant stress relief and
relaxation. It just felt good to be in them again. I felt more at peace
and better about myself when wearing them. Over the next few weeks, I
started dipping into my saving to by an item here and there. I also
started perusing the internet to learn how to apply makeup and walk in
heels; as well as trying to develop my female voice. I felt better and
better as I dressed more and more often. I had a nice little collection
of clothes and shoes by the time the summer break rolled around.
Back to the main story, it was two nights before our planned vacation. I
had already finished my finals for the semester and Jessica had two finals
on that day. I knew she would be out for most of the day; so I spent the
day dressed as a woman. It was a warm day and I was wearing a cute,
yellow sundress with a pair of platform sandals. I had full makeup on and
my wig with the hair down and wavy. I was actually packing for the
vacation when Jessica came by; home early from her last final. I had
music on and didn't hear her come in (we both had keys to each other's
place). I had my back to her when the music stopped abruptly and she
demanded to know who the hell I was. I was frozen in place, not turning
to face her. I desperately tried to think of something, but I was busted.
I was not looking forward to this as I turned to face her. Jessica's
mouth dropped and she started to cry. I caught up to her before she
bolted out of my apartment and told her I would explain. Jessica was
still crying as I just opened up and told her everything. I told her I
have always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body and I can't stop how
I feel. I told her about my childhood and about not wanting to hurt her.
Jessica was still crying when she asked me if I loved her. I started to
cry as I told her that I loved her as a friend but I don't have feelings
for women that way. Jessica slapped me and left. I cried for a few hours
after that. I felt so horrible on one point, but I also felt relieved for
finally having told her. I got undressed and cleaned up and then I called
her. Jessica actually answered and we talked for a little while. After
many hours of apologizing and trying to calm her by telling her that I am
really confused about my feelings right now and that I needed time.
Jessica told me to call her in the morning. I went to sleep fitfully.
I called Jessica the next morning and she decided that she wasn't going to
tell anyone and that she was going home for the summer and to not call her
until I finally came to some understanding about myself and our
relationship. Again, I should have just told her; but I just couldn't. I
was very selfish. I wanted her to understand and I should have just
realized that she couldn't. Anyway, after we hung up, I sat around the
apartment glumly; not knowing what my next move was going to be. I then
realized that I still had a hotel reservation that I couldn't cancel. I
decided to take the vacation myself. I finished packing my suitcase and
was just about to leave when I decided that I was going to take my
feminine clothes with me as well. Why not? I had no one to stop me. I
packed another suitcase and gym bag with all the stuff and I locked up and
paid the landlord and told him that I would be out for two weeks. The
hotel was six hours away two states over from where I lived. Jessica and
I had just decided to pick a place randomly and we ended up with
reservations in a small town that was about fifty miles away from the
major city of the state.
I arrived at the hotel, a Super 8, around 5 in the evening. It was a
nice, clean hotel but it was almost empty of guests. Only two other cars
were in the parking lot. The man behind the counter was nice enough and I
got my room. I set my luggage down and looked out the window. There was
a nice pool area which was empty. I went into town to look around. Not
much to report there. Typical medium sized town. It did have a shopping
mall and lots of restaurants. I decided on Chinese for the night and took
it back to my room. After I ate, I took a shower; which I used Veet on my
back, torso, legs and arms. I got out and put on a pink chemise nightie
with a matching panty. It felt really nice to lay on the bed in them. It
was lying in bed that I started thinking about my life. Why was I still
fighting how I really felt and who I am? I need to start living my real
life, my female life. I AM a woman in this body and I need to be my real
self. I'm tired of faking and living a lie. I made my decision that
night.
The next morning was raining outside. I should have felt a little anxiety
about what I was about to do; but all I felt was freedom. I didn't have
any real everyday attire so I decided to go shopping at the local mall.
It was a Monday morning so the mall would not be too crowded, with kids
still in school. I put on a t-shirt and some jeans and sneakers and drove
off. I stopped for a light breakfast and then went to the mall. It was
really wonderful finally being able to shop normally. I wasn't nervous at
all. I decided to start from the inside out. I found a Frederick's of
Hollywood first; so I walked in. There was only one saleswoman in the
store. She was around my age (which was 20). I wanted to buy everything
in the store! So many items to choose from; I didn't know where to start.
The saleswoman walked up to me. She asked me if she could help me with a
pleasant smile. Her name was Rachel. I told Rachel that I was interested
in applying for a credit card and she walked me to the desk and we applied
for one there. I was approved and told that my card would be in the mail,
but I could use the account now if I wanted. I told her I did and she
asked me if it was for a gift and do I know her size? I came right out
and told her it was for me and that I have never been properly fitted.
Rachel didn't bat an eye and told me to follow her into a dressing room.
She asked me if I would be comfortable taking my outer clothes off. I
said no problem and I got down to my boxers. She measured around my
chest, waist and hips. She looked on a chart and told me that I was a
size 8 in the chest and waist, which would be a medium in lingerie sizes.
My panty size was a small. Rachel led me back out (after I got dressed)
and showed me their collection of shape wear. They had padded panties in
nude and black. I bought a pair of each. I also bought a waist cincher
in each color. I bought a set of silicone breast forms too. We then
walked around the store and I ended up buying 8 pairs of panties with
matching bras, 3 babydoll nighties, two pairs of marabou slippers (in pink
and black) and some stockings in nude, black and white with matching
garter belts. I charged them all. I told Rachel that I was beginning to
transition and she told me that I was very brave. I thanked her and left.
I felt on Cloud 9 as I walked out, carrying bags from Frederick's for
myself. I got a couple of looks from older women, but I didn't care. I
took my bags to my car and then went back in to the Macy's. I went to the
women's section and started looking around. I picked out a couple of
dresses that I liked and went to a saleswoman and asked if I could try
them on. The woman gave me a queer look and went over to her manager; who
ended up coming over to me. I asked her if I could try them on and she
led me to a dressing area. She went inside and politely led me to a
stall. I tried them both on and liked the pink A-line dress with an
empire waist. I came out and told the manager that I wanted the pink one
but that I wasn't done looking yet. She helped me again when I had a few
more items to try on. I ended up buying the dress, three knee-length A-
line skirts, two pencil skirts, and seven tops. I also bought two panties
and bra sets from there along with SIX pairs of pumps! I also hit the
juniors section and found two really cute mini-skirts and tops to go with
those. I again used my Macy's card for those purchases. Now I know why
women love to shop so much! I went to three more stores (Express, Cache,
and Forever 21) and ended up buying three more dresses, 4 skirts, 5 tops,
two bikinis, 3 pairs of sandals and two more pumps. I ended up at a
jewelry store and purchased 2 sets of hoop earrings, two matching bangles,
and two beautiful necklaces. I charged a whole lot, but I felt great
doing it. I ate a light lunch and went back to the room. I tried on
every piece of clothing that I bought and loved them all. I ordered a
pizza and was dressed as a woman when he came to deliver. I got a very
strange look from him as I paid him. I didn't care, which left me feeling
wonderful. I slept like a baby (in my babydoll).
The next morning was sunny and warm. I put on one of my new bikinis (it
is a halter top with side tie bottom in teal). I got the top in an A-cup
so it stays close to my chest. It has a matching sarong which I put on
with a pair of teal flip-flops and walked out to the pool. The hotel
manager was the only one there and he said nothing as I undid the sarong
and lay out on a chair and put lotion on me. It was so relaxing to lay
out and soak in the sun. No one bothered me the whole morning and
afternoon I spent there. It was going on early evening when I finally had
enough and went to my room to get a shower. I had a nice bikini tan line
going as I undressed and showered. I had found a nightclub in the city 50
miles away that was a drag bar. I decided on going there that night. I
wore my white nude waist cincher along with a pair of black, lace bikini
cut panties and a matching bra. I put my forms in the cups, giving me C
cups. I tucked my member and taped it off. I then wore a black faux
leather pleated A-line miniskirt and a white lace top with a black lining,
5 inch black slingback platform peep-toe pumps, silver hoop earrings and a
matching bangle. I did my makeup perfectly, after lots of practice, and
sprayed on some Flowerbomb perfume. I grabbed a black clutch and put some
lipstick, gloss, powder and mascara in it and grabbed my keys and left.
It felt so wonderful walking to my car, hearing MY heels clicking on the
pavement, smelling MY perfume, feeling MY skirt gently swish around my
smooth legs and feeling my long hair (thanks to the wig) fall around my
shoulders. I felt pretty and feminine. I felt like my real self!
Latisha
- 21.11.2020
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