Chapter Seven
One More Man Than Wanted
1
My husband was at the door. And I was a man.
"Shit," I murmured. "Oh shit."
I made a little jerk forward as though I might actually answer the door
but caught myself so abruptly I almost lost balance and rocked forward.
I couldn't answer the door - not like this. What the hell would he
think? What would I say?
And where had the cocky self-assuredness I normally had as Geoff gone?
Every other time the easy masculinity and self-confidence had eased over
me pretty much right away but the alarm of this jolting turn of events
was blocking that entirely. I felt just as stricken as I normally would
have.
I had no idea what I was going to do.
Then the doorbell went again and I fumbled for the ring, pulling at it.
I had to answer the door and let Billy in. I couldn't keep him waiting.
He might go away.
I got the ring part way up my finger, moving toward the door, then I
stopped, confused, totally unsure what I should do. I wanted to see him
- I'd been aching to for so long I'd had to just force it out of my mind
or let it consume me - but now that the moment was here that impulse
snagged on something curdling in my stomach that was made of anger and
resentment. Now the masculinity in me did spurt, because as I'd already
shown more than once, when I was Geoff I didn't take crap from anyone.
And that was surely what Billy had given me.
I reached for the door handle, determined suddenly to tell him exactly
what I thought of him; defend my "sister" Alison as any strong brother
should. But the part in me that was still that sister quailed at that,
pulling my momentum and leaving only doubt. I couldn't see him. I was
terrified of it. I just wanted to get out of the situation.
But he didn't go. He pressed the buzzer again, loitering there.
Of course he wouldn't give up so easily. He must have driven from
Coventry. Or at the very least he'd made a detour from the M40 on his
way to someplace else.
What did he want? Why had he come all this way? My mind fired off half a
dozen possible reasons but I couldn't know. Only by opening that door.
Instead I backed away from it to the lounge doorway, but I pulled back
into the hall in alarm when I realised that any minute he might peer in
through the front windows.
Sure enough, I caught sight of his silhouette doing just that and ducked
out of sight as he cupped his hands round his face at the glass, just as
Rasheed had done earlier that day.
I didn't get a good look at him - he would have seen me if I had - and
that was maddening. But I couldn't face him; not like this.
I went to remove the ring again but refrained myself. I was just as
afraid that if I changed back to a girl I would let him in. The idea of
that was as awful as anything else.
Wary he would see me if he looked through the letterbox, I ducked back
into the kitchen and stood there looking just as frozen. But he could
come round the back! And I couldn't go back through the hall now. I
looked about me desperately then ducked inside the pantry.
Now I really did feel like a prat. But I stayed there anyway, hiding,
until I was sure he must have gone. Five full minutes. Even then when I
emerged, I crept carefully around, checking I couldn't see him anywhere.
But I couldn't. He was gone. Outside the front his car was nowhere to be
seen.
I let out a strangled sigh then abruptly felt ashamed at how I'd
reacted, my cheeks colouring hotly. But I was still glad I'd avoided
him. I might have said anything if I'd had to look into those big brown
eyes. Or done anything.
But I had an ugly feeling that he wasn't gone for good. He hadn't come
this far just to drive home again. And what would have driven him to
travel this far in person rather than ringing me?
Though I had blocked him number on my mobile...
I twisted the ring on my finger, round and round, wondering when he
would come back.
And wondering what I was going to do about it when he did.
2
Now that I was Geoff again and the immediate worry about Billy was gone,
it came back to me about my responsibilities. I'd given my word to
John's friend Steve that I would fix his boiler.
As Alison, I had always hated to be tied to agreements so I tended to
avoid making them. It was more my style to act on whim as I went along
and drift from one thing to another as I fancied. As a man I had
different priorities and there was a major itch in me not to let this
man down. If I'd said I would do it then I had an obligation to do so.
I got him on the phone with the number he'd given me after the game and
told him I wouldn't be long, then I grabbed my keys and went to the
door. I brought up Sangeeta's number, hesitated, then pressed DIAL as I
pulled open the door.
My husband, Billy, was standing right there in front of me, his hand
raised to knock.
We stared at one another, the blood flow to my arms and legs pinching to
a stop.
Billy's eyes flicked down my body then back to my face.
My mouth flapped open then closed.
Then at my ear, forgotten, the receiver slightly lowered, I heard
Sangeeta's tinny voice say, "This had better be good Geoff."
Billy started to speak but I raised a finger and it stopped him. "Hang
on."
I pressed the phone to my ear. "Sangeeta. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
But I'm going to have to call you back."
"Huh? What are you--"
I cut the line.
"Er, hi," I said to Billy, my cheeks flushing.
Where was all my confidence? Seeing him had broken the spell entirely. I
felt like myself - my female self - just in a male shell; and my
reaction to this man who had been everything in the world to me for so
long was too much to regulate.
"Hey. How's it going?" he asked, apparently unfazed by my presence here.
"I was hoping to catch Alison. Is she in?"
"Er, what?"
He smiled. "Alison."
I looked back into the house as though I might actually see her. "No.
She's, er... She's not here."
"Really? That's a shame. Well how're you doing Geoff?"
"Huh?"
He... Huh?
"It's been ages since I saw you. I was sorry to hear about your parents.
How have you been keeping?"
"I..."
How did he know me? He'd never seen me as a man. I didn't understand any
of this.
Billy raised his eyebrows and broadened his smile at my stuttering lack
of communication.
It could only be like the clothes that had appeared in the wardrobe; the
letters in the hall. Geoff had become a real enough person to exist in
Billy's memories as my-- Alison's brother.
"I've been fine," I stammered. "Er, really good."
"Nice van. That for your business?"
"Yeah." This was weird. I felt like I was out of synch with my body, but
some of my Geoff instincts were coming back. "It's a lovely ride."
"I'll bet," replied Billy. "How long's it been since I saw you last? It
seems like ages."
And as he said that I got a memory of a night out drinking; Billy and
Alison on the other side of the booth, laughing; me sitting next to my
ex-girlfriend.
Billy and Alison on the other side of the booth. How could that be
possible?
"That double date," said Billy. "Right? Me and Ali. You and that bird
with the cleavage... what was her name?"
I muttered the word "Sonia," knowing it as a fact as it tipped off my
lips.
Sonia. And I could picture that cleavage now. I got a shadow stirring of
arousal to think of it.
But I didn't know any Sonia. I'd never gone out with a girl called
Sonia! Obviously I hadn't. But I still remembered it. Though I didn't
remember that night from Alison's perspective. I stared off, thinking
about it and several more half-drunken memories came back to me. I could
even remember some of what we talked about.
"What happened to her?" asked Billy. "You still together?"
I looked back at him, having no idea of the answer to that. Then
suddenly it came to me and I found myself saying, "Nah. We broke up not
long after you and Alison did. She was too needy. It did my head in."
And as I said that, I got another series of memories about this girl I'd
never met: half a dozen flash images of her in a variety of slutty
outfits and then a very clear recollection of an argument; her throwing
a book at me and then slamming the door on her way out.
I was reeling. This was all too much at once. Billy's presence was
throwing me entirely; but that destabilisation added to the historical
connection was letting these false Geoff memories flood in. I had to get
out of there and take stock.
"Listen, I have to go," I said.
"Okay, sure. You got a job?"
"Yeah. A boiler." I moved past him and started down the steps.
"When's Alison getting back?" he asked.
"I don't know." And I really didn't. "Maybe later."
I had no idea why I said that. I should have told him she'd gone away;
but talking to him, even in this disguise had put me off-balance. All
the old resentment was washed away the second he started talking; but it
was all still there as well, ready to rush back in.
I really had to get out of there.
"Look, I've got to go," I said. "I'm going to be late."
"No problem. Do me a favour and tell her I called. Okay?"
I found myself nodding. "Sure. Okay."
What was I thinking?
He stayed where he was, watching as I got into the van and pulled out
onto the street. He gave me a wave and a smile as I pulled away, my mind
careening.
And it was only then that I realised.
I hadn't asked him what he wanted.
3
Steve's house and the boiler that needed fixing were in Redbush, down
the hill toward town. It wasn't far away but it wasn't quite round the
corner either so I had a bit of time to think.
The encounter with Billy had thrown me for a loop. Seeing him alone had
been jarring but it had opened a floodgate of memories in my head. As I
drove, my mind jumped from one to another, the subject of one leading on
to the next.
I could remember hanging out with friends as a teenage boy, walking the
streets of Nockton trying to look tough with cigarettes in our mouths,
then getting chased by a gang of kids from Barton down by the Banbury
Way until we lost them in Fairgate.
I remembered trying to give up smoking (something I'd never touched as a
girl) by using patches and gum; even trying hypnosis.
Remembered seeing a live hypnosis show while I was out with friends,
pissed out of my skull and shouting heckles at the guy.
I remembered the girl I'd been with; a different one; and snogging her
behind the theatre afterwards, pushing my hands up under her top and
groping her breasts.
"Bloody hell," I murmured.
It was like I could recall anything from a full life as a man.
But could I?
I tried that, giving myself a series of challenges. A trip to the beach?
Yes. A clear picture came of me leaning against a groyne with a six pack
of beer with my mate Tom, my top off. I could look down in the memory
and see my tanned hairy chest; my long shorts and hairy legs. Though I
was sure I'd never really had a friend called Tom.
A time at school? Yes. I caught a memory of sitting in detention, hating
every minute of it, there for... skiving off with some mates.
It was surreal.
My first time having sex? Yes. That too. In a field with a blond fifteen
year old, two years older than me; her clothes still on; just her skirt
raised.
It was weird as anything.
I concentrated on driving for a while, trying not to bring up anymore.
It was too intense; recalling all these things as though they'd really
happened when I knew for a fact that they hadn't.
My mind flicked back onto Billy and the mystery of his presence here.
That was equally unpleasant and I tried to divert my mind again, forcing
it onto the task ahead of me at Steve's. He'd given me some details of
the problem and I ran through various possible reasons for it in my
mind, thinking about the model he'd said and its specifications. It was
an old design that I'd worked on half a dozen times and had several
design flaws. Fortunately, most of them were resolvable. It shouldn't
take me too long, though I'd probably have to go out for parts.
I frowned. Worked on it half a dozen times? That was impossible; but the
memories were there from when I'd run my contracting business out of
Coventry.
"This is wrong," I whispered. "This is really wrong. I shouldn't be
remembering this stuff."
Then a horrible thought occurred to me and I started wracking my brains,
trying to remember my earlier years as girl and woman.
I thought of my school days as a girl and was relieved when I instantly
recalled a picture of giggling in the corner of the playground with a
little bunch of friends. Except... I frowned deeply, trying to remember
what we'd been giggling about, but I couldn't remember. And then I
realised why.
In the memory image I could see myself - Alison. It wasn't my memory of
giggling with my friends; it was a Geoff memory of watching my sis-- ...
of watching my sister giggling with her friends.
"Jesus Christ."
I tried to remember my wedding day to Billy and was momentarily relieved
when the recollection came instantly. But again, it was an outside
memory and the more I focused on it, the more it became clear. I
remembered watching my sister cut her wedding cake in her meringue dress
and glancing at the caterer, thinking how hot she looked. And that was
followed by an encompassing recollection of shagging her senseless later
that night while the evening party was still going on.
"Oh my God," I said.
My memories had completely shifted.
I couldn't remember my life as Alison at all anymore. All my memories
were of a life as Geoff.
They couldn't have all happened - Geoff hadn't existed a week earlier -
but as far as this reality shift had gone, the mental evidence was all
there.
This had to end. It really did. It was going too far. I was going to
lose myself. For the fiftieth time, I told myself I had to take the ring
off and throw it away.
But I was so conflicted.
I had this job to do. I'd told Steve I'd be there. I couldn't let him
down. I was fairly desperate for the money too.
And I still needed to call Sangeeta back. I owed her that much. And I
was desperate to see her.
But most of all, I was terrified of becoming Alison and having to face
Billy again; because it didn't matter how much time had gone by or what
had happened between us; I still felt weak at the knee when I thought
about him, even as a man, the connection was so powerful.
I pulled up outside the address Steve had given me, a two up, two down
terrace. I cut the engine.
I had to go in and do the job at the very least. That was a definite. In
all the years I'd been running my contracting business I'd never pulled
out of as job; never even taken a sick day. I wasn't about to start now.
I got out of my van, grabbed my tools, slammed the door and crossed the
street to his front gate.
4
Steve invited me in and we chatted about rugby for half an hour before I
got started. Now that I was Geoff again I found it riveting obviously
but I was dismayed to realise that relevant sporting facts were rising
into my mind as I needed them; data from a lifetime of loving the sport.
I had detailed knowledge of games and players stretching back years and
found I had a mature knowledge of the intricacies of play as well; the
importance of strategy.
He fetched me a beer from the fridge and I reflected on what I was doing
- interacting with this bloke exactly as if I had always been a bloke as
well. But I was loving it. I loved rugger and it was awesome having a
good old chinwag about it. There was a little part of me that was
anxious about this, crying out again that it was all going too far; but
there was little real urgency to it. I'd gone through this. I'd already
wasted my time resisting. As long as I'd made the decision to put the
ring on, it was only logical to follow through with the other aspects of
that. Why do it if I wasn't going to enjoy it? Probably I'd take it off
again later but why ruin a perfectly good conversation by being overly
analytical?
I cracked open the beer Steve brought through then said, "I'd better get
on and look at this boiler of yours."
It didn't take long to find the problem. Of the possible issues I'd
expected it was one of three that would require an extra part. I
explained this to Steve, got back in the van and nipped down to Plumbing
and Boilers, the trade stockist across town on the Dairystoke industrial
estate. It didn't take me long. Rush hour was still a good way off.
When I got back to Steve's he left me to it and I got to work. It
required me to take the thing down off the wall so it was a fairly big
job. I didn't fuss or worry. Now that I'd developed these new memories
it was even easier than it had been with the plastering. Not only did I
have the instinctual knowledge; I also had the context. I kept thinking
to myself things like, Ah yeah. This is like that job I did for that
Arab bloke, or I've gotta be careful here or else it'll crack like it
did that time on Christmas Eve.
I knew I should be freaked out; even fearful; but it was all so natural.
Although I knew I had really been a woman all my life there were no
memories in my head of that to contradict what I was doing and none of
my feminine proclivities. I'd been doing this kind of thing all my adult
life - my memories told me so.
When I was done I refused the second beer Steve offered and he gave me
the cash we'd agreed on. We shook hands and I left, whistling under my
breath.
I got back in the van and grinned to myself. I'd really enjoyed that. It
was great being so handy and knowledgeable; great doing a good
afternoon's work for some well-earned dosh, and great to get a second
job in; to start to build up the word-of-mouth I would need to get my
business off the ground.
That part of me was still there, terrified about what was happening to
me; telling me that I was losing myself to this; that my entire
decision-making ability was being corrupted by these manly desires and
memories; that I might not be capable of choosing to go back if I let it
run too far along its course.
But to be honest I already felt a bit like that. What man would want to
be a woman really? I remembered being with dozens of birds and they were
all flighty high-maintenance messes. Pretty enough yeah; but actually
being like that myself? I shook my head.
Intellectually I knew that I should respect the wishes of my "true"
female self but on the other hand, the memories filling my head now told
me exactly which self of mine was true... now. And Billy had known me
too. I existed as Geoff as fully right now as I ever had as Alison; more
so if anything.
I fired up the engine and considered my options.
Go home and change back into Alison - probably get accosted by Billy...
Or stay out longer. See Sangeeta. Remain a man.
It wasn't a difficult decision.
I got my phone out and dialled her number.
Sangeeta picked up only after an unusually long time and didn't speak
right away.
"Hey. Sangeeta?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
I sighed, angry at my softer side for causing this mess and wishing I
hadn't put her off earlier; that I'd called her straight back. "I was
wondering... Look, Alison told me what she said to you and I don't think
she explained it the right way."
Silence. Then, "Go on..."
"Can we meet up? I'd rather do this face to face."
"Over the phone is better for me. I'm not sure how busy I'm going to be
later."
"Okay. Sure." I gathered my thoughts, wondering if I should just go down
there. "Look, I really like... spending time with you Sangeeta. But I
guess... I'm not sure I'm ready for..."
"Spit it out."
I chuckled. "Okay here it is. I really like you and I like being with
you. I don't know where it's going and I don't know if I can commit to
anything long term, even though I want to. But I don't care about that.
Like you said the other night; I don't want to worry about it. I just
want to see you and see where it goes. Even if it isn't going anywhere."
There was a long silence. I ached to fill it but I restrained myself.
"Every time I see you, you pull away Geoff. How do I know you won't do
it again?"
Even though she couldn't see it, I shrugged. I honestly didn't know what
I was doing long term. I just didn't want to think about that right now.
"Let me cook you dinner tonight," I said. "Candlelight, wine, chocolate
desert: the whole thing."
"At your place? Will Alison be there?"
"Er... no. Alison will definitely not be here."
She hesitated again, then said, "Okay Geoff. I can be there by seven.
But this is it now. Either it works out or it doesn't. If you pull away
again then we're done. Is that clear? I've got too many bad things in my
life right now to have my heart banged up as well."
I paused for a moment and then I said, "Fair enough."
5
I returned home after popping to Ockham Tesco again for more substantial
supplies than the vegecrap I'd bought earlier. Billy was nowhere to be
seen, which was a big relief. I parked up and let myself in then took a
shower.
Nothing felt out of the ordinary. I'd done this a million times. It felt
entirely normal to be naked and a man, to rub soap into my hairy
muscular arms and chest; shampoo into my cropped hair. I shaved and
spruced myself up as much as possible.
Considering that I'd thrown my women's clothes away and only a few had
appeared that morning, there was only one feminine outfit left in the
wardrobe, a very forlorn looking dress. The rest of the space was filled
with menswear. I curled my lip at the dress and took it out, holding it
up.
It was tiny beside my big frame and looked so flimsy; just silly. I had
no memory of wearing it or anything like it and the mere thought of that
made me deeply uncomfortable. I went to put it back inside and thought
better of it, slipping it off the hanger. There was a wastebasket to my
left. I dumped it in there and went back to choosing what I was going to
wear, instantly forgetting the frilly outfit.
I put on a pair of black button-up jeans and a navy blue shirt, turning
the cuffs back from my wrists. I wanted to make a good impression. I
felt bad about the mixed signals I'd been passing Sangeeta. That had to
end. I really liked her and it was time she understood that.
I did some groundwork in the kitchen for the meal and set some candles
out ready. I emptied the bird food out of the fridge and freezer and
dumped it all. I had no intention of eating that crap ever again.
When I'd got to Tesco earlier I'd tried a little more of that hoodoo
that had given me the skills to be a fully-functioning workman. I'd
said, "I'm a pretty good cook - nothing fancy but more than enough to
impress a woman occasionally."
The moment I'd said it I felt a subtle shift inside my skull and I
flicked through a series of new memories of being a decent cook and the
shags it had bought me from time to time.
Now in my kitchen, I smiled at the memory, wondering if Sangeeta would
be as impressed herself.
I'd bought a good range of ingredients in the store and the end result
was going to be great. I got everything ready and then lit the candles,
walking through to the hall.
It crossed my mind that Billy could turn up again at any moment but I
reminded myself that I was immune to him for now. As long as I was Geoff
he couldn't reach me.
But still, I felt a low level anxiety about his return, Geoff or no. He
was the only thing that still retained a deep impact, regardless of who
I was.
And I knew he was going to come back sometime. The only things I didn't
know were when... and why.
There was some fresh mail on the floor that I'd ignored when I came
home. I picked it up now and had a quick riffle through. Every envelope
was addressed to me, as Geoff.
That cinched it. The longer I kept the ring on, the more reality folded
over into a world where Geoff had always been and where Alison didn't
exist. It was horrifying, the idea that I, as a woman, would cease to
be. I guessed people would just forget me as they were now remembering
Geoff. Eventually she would be gone entirely and on that day I was
pretty sure I would forget her myself.
There was still an odd detachment in me though. I knew I used to be
Alison but I have no memory of being her... except for a vague sense of
what had happened while I'd been her over the past few days. Everything
before I'd put the ring on was blank. And with that in mind, why should
I feel bad about this process? I wasn't actively disintegrating my
former life. All I had to do was continue doing nothing; living as
Geoff; and the transformation would become complete.
I wondered what would happen after that if I took the ring off. I had a
feeling that nothing would happen. That it might even lose its power
completely.
I had some panic inside me that this was happening - an insistent
scratching - but it was possible to ignore it. All I had to do was spend
the evening with Sangeeta - maybe invite her to stay with me all day
tomorrow as well so that I didn't have the opportunity to change back.
Surely by tomorrow night I would be stuck like this and I would no
longer care. I could just be a happy working man with a beautiful
charming girlfriend and a thriving nascent business.
Was this all a terrible mistake? I knew my thinking changed when I wore
the ring. I knew it was my man-brain choosing this now and that couldn't
be trusted to honour my original persona's wishes.
I decided to take it off.
Then the doorbell rang and my heart quickened. I checked my watch. Just
after seven. It was most likely Sangeeta. But the fear that it could be
Billy remained.
I hesitated, looking at the letters with no sign anymore of my female
name. This wasn't a simple change, back and forth; it was a process.
Another night in this body might seal my fate forever.
The doorbell went again. I imagined Billy standing there.
I could only think of two categories of thing he wanted to come here for
and both frightened me for different reasons.
But it was scary enough just thinking of Sangeeta being there. It wasn't
going to start off smoothly with her and I wanted it to. I really wanted
to see her.
I didn't make a decision - not as such. I just started toward the door
and unlocked it, opening it up. That movement made the decision for me.
For now, and maybe forever, I was Geoff.
6
When I opened the door it was Sangeeta standing there and she looked
lovely. She was wearing a long turquoise strappy evening dress with a
black cardigan over the top. Her hair was done up beautifully and she
was decked out in make-up and additional jewellery and the part of me
that very deep inside was still a woman, recognised that she did forgive
the misunderstandings we'd had and would maybe forgive me anything. But
the man in me saw the expression on her face and understood that I would
still have to pay for it, at least a little.
Her eyes were a little cold; her cheeks taut. "Hi," she said, and the
vocal tone reinforced the look, but I caught a shift in her bearing that
made me think the frostiness of it had surprised her - that she'd come
here planning to pick up where we'd left off. I got the feeling that
she'd forgiven me logically but that her emotions hadn't caught up to
that yet.
"Hi," I replied. "Come on in."
"I brought some red wine." She presented the bottle.
"That's great, thanks." I took it. "You look gorgeous."
That thawed her a little. "Thanks."
"I mean it. I don't think I ever told you this before but you're one of
the most beautiful women I've ever seen."
Her smile returned and it was a spectacular thing to see; like a spread
of fireworks on a foggy November night. But then she gave a mock frown.
"Only one of the most beautiful?"
"Come here," I said and took her upper arms in my hands, drawing her in
to me. We held it there - I guess long enough for me to be sure that she
wanted it - then I pressed my lips to hers and wrapped her up in my
arms. She put her arms around me urgently and gripped me tightly and the
kiss went on, consuming every iota of my consciousness.
Eventually we loosened our clench, slowly releasing one another and
broke off, gazing into each other's eyes, then very suddenly I said, "I
love..."
She stared back at me in wonder but I floundered, my analytical brain
cluttering up the path where my passionate heart had strode seconds
earlier.
"... being with you," I finished. "It's really good to see you again."
Sangeeta smiled plainly and honestly. "Me too." She stroked my cheek
with the backs of her two forefingers. "I feel exactly the same way."
"I'm sorry... about the mix-up before," I said. "About what Alison told
you."
She shrugged but there was a slight rigidness to it as though it wasn't
an easy movement. "It doesn't matter."
"No, it does matter," I said. "It really does. And it won't happen ag--"
"Don't," she whispered, touching my lips. "You don't have to make any
promises; really. I understand. Life isn't ever straightforward - it's
complicated - and that's okay. I don't know what it is in your past that
makes you want to keep pulling away - you can tell me when you're ready,
or not; it's up to you. But we can't help how we feel. If you're going
to need to pull away again then that's just how it's going to be."
I nodded.
"It doesn't mean I'll like it and it doesn't mean I'll stick around - I
meant what I said on the phone - but I'll understand. You've gotta do
what you feel is right and then live with the consequences. You don't
need to make me a promise you aren't sure that you can keep."
I lowered my eyes then raised them back to hers. "Okay. You're right."
"We just looked at one another for a moment then she smiled again and
said. "Now how about this nosh of yours? I'm starving!"
7
Sangeeta was impressed by my modest culinary skills and we laughed and
joked as we worked our way through the prawn cocktail starter and on to
the steak in garlic butter I did for the main course with red onion,
thick-cut chips, rocket and beetroot. We drank our way through the wine
that she had brought and started on some I'd had in, letting the evening
drift on in warmth and contentment.
We'd clicked immediately, that first night, but our manner of conversing
was maturing beyond that. It was easy and comfortable and the ideas
flowed freely. Sangeeta was by far the funniest woman I'd ever known and
she liked my slightly risqu? sense of humour. We fed off one another,
taking it further and further together than we could have on our own.
But there was a slight melancholy to Sangeeta that I noticed from time
to time in the slight lulls when I went to fetch more food or drink. I
found her trundling on some rocky path of thought when I returned to the
room and when we were a bottle and a half down I broached it with her.
"You told me... things were going bad for you." I filled her glass. "Do
you want to tell me about it?"
The smile fell from her face and I wished I hadn't raised it, but she
said. "I guess. I could."
"You don't have to."
"No. I should tell someone. It's been scraping away at me since it
happened."
"What did happen?"
Sangeeta interlinked her fingers and looked down at them, knocking her
thumbs back and forth. "The manager of the Tower Gates centre came to
see me in the shop yesterday. He's almost as big a tosser as my
landlord. No, actually, he might be worse."
"What did he want?"
"Just to tell me they're upping the rent on my unit. It's this
recession. Everyone is so desperate they're trying to bleed everyone
else dry. Everyone's trying to cut costs and increase income and they're
so busy trying to look after themselves that they don't realise that it
doesn't make sense. It's unsustainable."
She shrugged. "But business hasn't been that great for me. I don't think
I can meet the higher rent; in fact I know I can't. I told him that much
and asked him to make an exception, at least for now; but he was like a
brick wall. He said he had a waiting list for my unit and he could set
any price; it would be met by somebody." She smiled wanly. "I told him
to go and fuck himself."
I chuckled despite myself.
"I know," she said. "Not my finest hour or smartest move. But it did
make me feel better for five full minutes after he left. But I haven't
had a single customer since then. Everything I've tried to achieve here
and it doesn't mean a thing. It's all just going to fall to ruin."
I put my hand on hers and squeezed.
"I may not bother reopening on Monday," she said. "There doesn't seem
much point."
"Well... things can turn around. It isn't over until it's over." I
considered her options. "You could invest in some marketing. It might
seem counter-intuitive but putting money in can bring a lot more money
out."
"I don't know..." said Sangeeta. "I'm really tired. With everything else
that's been going on - my father coming - I'm not sure I have the will
anymore."
I took her upper arm in my other hand, drawing her closer. She looked at
me with eyes brimming over with sorrow and confusion, then I enfolded
her in my arms and held her against my chest as she very quietly wept.
We remained that way for a long time, and then finally, Sangeeta sat
back upright and said, "I'm sorry."
"It's fine," I replied. "That's what I'm here for. Have shoulder, will
cuddle."
She giggled then wiped at her eye with the heel of her palm. "I bet I
look terrible."
"Are you kidding? You've never looked better."
She beamed her lovely smile then rested her head on my chest again and I
wrapped my arms loosely round her waist. I'd put some romantic music on
and we stayed that way for a long time, just listening and enjoying the
closeness.
We took our wine through to the lounge and snuggled up to one another on
the settee, her once again leaning into me. We were both now very tipsy
and we wanted nothing more than to lean in close. For my part, I loved
to feel so needed; to able to protect this woman and look after her.
Becoming Geoff had given me innumerable new ways to enjoy life but this
one seemed the greatest by far; to just be a man keeping watch over a
woman, to care for her and enjoy that perfect affectionate closeness.
8
We drifted off to sleep like that and I slowly came awake some time
later, Sangeeta still fast asleep against my chest, her hand resting
softly on my shoulder.
I didn't move. Instead I took stock of our positions and the pleasant
comfort of it. I had no compulsion to untangle myself. Instead I
continued to sit, gently stroking her bare arm and her head, thinking I
couldn't be more content than I was at that moment.
After perhaps five more minutes went by, Sangeeta stirred against me. I
went on stroking her and very gradually I felt her come to a drowsy half
waking. She shifted, raising her head to show me her sleepy smiling face
and murmured, "Mmm. This is nice."
She snuggled against me again, gripping me tighter for a moment then
relaxing into me, and we stayed there again until she slipped her hand
under my shirt and around my ribs. The drowsiness and the inebriation
coupled with this motion into the most delightful warming arousal. She
caressed my stomach and sides with her fingers and then lifted her head
again until our lips met. We kissed in a perfect drowsy union and she
undid one button after another down the front of my shirt. The kiss went
on and on and on, one moment open mouthed, the next closed, our tongues
meeting and then drawing apart.
I fondled her smooth shoulders and arms as she unbuttoned my jeans and
slid them down around my knees, lifting her dress and repositioning
herself.
The kiss barely ceased. If it broke we returned to one another
immediately. The wine and the sleep had taken me into an altered level
of consciousness. It was dreamlike, what we were doing; just two lovers
joined and questing to be joined still further.
Sangeeta reached between her legs, straddling me now, her bare knees
raised high and for a second she grazed my cock with her fingertips.
Then it slipped inside her and she leant against me, my arms going back
round her of their own accord.
We didn't pump. We rocked. There was no urgency this time; no desperate
need. It was the embrace that meant everything, and that beautiful
ongoing kiss, but the sexual arousal was like a warm cloud enveloping
us; closing off the greater room and the house and the town and the
world.
We rocked and we shifted, sometimes caressing one another, sometimes
just cuddling. It went on and on and on and on and the pleasure only
increased. That loss of self; the merging of two people: that only
increased. There was no thought. There wasn't even passion. It was just
warmth and affection and comforting pleasure. It was the most profound
connection I'd ever experienced. It felt like it could never end.
When the climax came it wasn't an explosion of sweat and activity. It
was just pleasure, rising without end and a dissolution of any sense of
self, like our bodies were vapour, intermingled.
It rose and rose and rose until it was beyond anything I had ever
imagined I could feel, then in a silent surge of bliss it wiped out all
last vestiges of consciousness and we became one in this perfect clench
of affection.
But even then it didn't end for the pleasure went on; subsiding gently
but continuing. And ever so slowly the ecstasy of that coupling became
merged with the simple contentment of the ongoing embrace.
We shifted again, lying stretched now along the sofa, Sangeeta's back to
me, her form pressing against mine. I enfolded her again in my arms and
we drifted once more, letting the drowsiness overtake us again.
I wanted to go on stroking the tender skin of her arms but my body
wouldn't do as I commanded. The sleep was overtaking me.
I closed my eyes for a moment, then I closed them once again. When they
closed for the third time they didn't reopen and I tumbled into the
darkness of peaceful and contented sleep.
9
Sangeeta jerked slightly. That's what woke me.
I cracked my eyes open a little then closed them again.
"Did you hear that?" she asked.
"Mmm?"
"What time is it?"
I checked my watch. "After nine."
"I think I heard the door."
She shifted again. We both listened. When it went a second time we both
heard and got up to a sitting position. I scratched the back of my head
with both hands and yawned. We didn't say any more, simply made eye
contact, smiled and kissed.
I got up. "I'll just be a minute. Pour another glass of wine each."
She nodded and I went through to the hall. Half way to the door, my mind
woke up enough to consider who it might be and then a jolt of adrenaline
followed it that wiped the rest of my sleep away. I didn't need to open
it. I knew who it was going to be.
I considered keeping it closed; pretending we weren't in; but that
wouldn't end it. He'd come back. And I couldn't run away. I had to
confront this and find out what he wanted. I wavered at the door,
wondering if I should turn back into Alison so that the meeting could
play out as it had to. He wouldn't be satisfied with my male self if
he'd come to see her. But despite the difficulty this could cause with
Sangeeta present, I quailed at the idea of turning back into a woman. I
couldn't abide the idea of that; to relinquish this body I loved to
become a sleight creature of muddled femininity. My fingers didn't
return to the ring. Instead I opened the door and stepped into the
frame.
Billy was there, exactly as I'd expected, looking handsome and well-
dressed as always, though taken aback slightly by seeing me answer the
door again. He recovered immediately from his disappointment and said,
"Hi Geoff. Sorry to break up your evening. I was hoping to catch Alison.
Is she in?"
This time seeing him, I wasn't as bowled over. The female instincts
didn't overwhelm me and undermine my confidence. If anything I felt
slightly hostile; protective even. I leaned again the doorway. "No. She
isn't here."
"Oh. Okay. That's a shame. When will she be back?"
"What's this about?"
Billy picked up on the shift in my demeanour. "I was hoping to talk to
her. We have some things we need to discuss."
"You could ring her."
He flashed a smile. "I think she barred my number."
"Well I'm not sure where she is and she might be back very late."
"Oh-kay. Well... I'm staying at the top of town in Breton. In a pub with
bed & breakfast. The Old Squire. You know it?"
I didn't respond. Behind me, Sangeeta had come into the hall. Billy
spotted her past me and gave a wave. "Hi. I'm Billy."
I sidestepped sufficiently to open up the view. She said, "Sangeeta."
"Pleased to meet you. I'm here for Alison. She's my wife."
"Really?"
"Uh huh."
I sidestepped again, blocking the view through intentionally. "Look,
what's this about Billy? Why are you here? What do you want to talk to
Alison about?"
He flashed his smile again. "Well I was hoping to talk to her first
directly before I... Okay. If you want you can give her a message from
me. Just tell her..." He thought about it for a moment. "Just tell her
that I'm sorry and she was right. Entirely right about everything. I
love her and I've always loved her and I realised that I can't live
without her. If she'll have me then I want to try and win her back. I'm
not worthy of her love but I want to be, and I'll do anything I can to
make things right."
I gaped back at him, all words gone. While he'd spoken, the entirely
masculine side of me that had sceptically answered the door was gone,
replaced by the desperately yearning Alison-me; emerged from the gloom
of my psyche. This was everything I had ever wanted to hear from him and
now here he was saying it to me and I was in the wrong body. I was the
wrong self.
He stepped back and gave a little nod of his head. "Will you tell her
that for me?"
I didn't respond again.
"The Old Squire. In Breton; just off the Narrows. I'll be there tonight
and tomorrow night and every night until I get to see her." He smiled.
"I messed up and all I can do now is try to make it right."
He gave a brief theatrical bow then withdrew and I stared after him,
unable to believe my ears, but realising that this changed everything.
10
It was Sangeeta who closed the front door in the end. I was too busy
looking stunned; running Billy's words back through my mind.
"You okay?" she said. "You look kind of put out."
"Huh?"
"I didn't realise your sister was married."
"What? Who?"
"Alison. Your sister." She smiled. "I didn't know she was married. And
to such a dishy guy." She laughed. "Though a little bit slim and arty
for my tastes. He looks like he might break in bed." She gripped two
fistfuls of my shirt, front and back, level with my belly button. "Not
like my man."
I broke off, feeling distracted, my mind elsewhere.
"Hey," she said. "Are you alright?" I didn't turn to face her and she
came to my side. "Geoff? Are you alright?"
"Huh? Yeah. I guess. I'm fine." I walked into the kitchen and she
followed. "I got some blue Stilton and biscuits for afters, and a bottle
of port. Do you want some?"
"Okay. Yeah. Why not?"
She was watching me as I got the items together; gauging me. We went
back through to the lounge and sat down, this time me on the armchair,
her on the corner of the sofa. I poured us two dainty glasses full of
port and cracked open the biscuits and cheese. We started helping
ourselves but Sangeeta kept watch on me. I could feel her eyes but my
own thoughts weren't on where I was or what we were doing. I couldn't
stop thinking about Billy.
"Tell me about him," said Sangeeta. "What happened between those two?"
"Billy?"
"And Alison."
I looked off, casting my mind back, and realised that the memories I had
of that back-story were in the third person. I didn't have the Alison
memories that tied me intimately to the chain of events. Instead I had
memories of conversations after the fact; snippets of tales of the good
times and bad times of "my sister." Those memories tied me into the role
of passive observer but seeing Billy again had still brought back the
pain and yearning of my real subsumed emotions. It was contradictory and
difficult to reconcile, but I found myself talking nonetheless.
"They were really in love. But like comets, you know? It was all fire
and passion and spontaneity; sudden trips to Paris or Egypt; champagne
cocktails on the beach in Thailand. But..."
"But?"
I shrugged. "Alison loved him like he was... a drug she was hooked on.
With this... desperation. Like she couldn't breathe without him there.
It was... It was sort of inspiring, but it was also..."
"Creepy?"
"No. Not creepy. It was just so intense. And we all... everybody thought
it would burn out in a couple of months. But they got married.
Spontaneously of course. In Edinburgh. Nobody else there; just the two
of them."
"It's romantic."
"Yeah. It was." I gazed off for a while.
"And then did it burn out?"
"No. It just went on burning hot. For months. And then a year. And then
two."
"But something went wrong. It must have."
"Yeah," I said. "I don't... remember all the details now; but Billy was
self-absorbed and selfish and he was fine when things were going his
way. But he... got made redundant from his high flying job and all these
cracks were there underneath them suddenly that they hadn't noticed
'cause they were moving so fast.
"Suddenly they couldn't hop on a plane to Milan anymore and... Alison's
dressmaking business wasn't bringing in much of anything. They were this
pair of star-crossed lovers suddenly stuck in an episode of Eastenders
set in the arse end of Coventry."
"They got a divorce?" asked Sangeeta.
"No. Separated. His idea."
"She wanted to stay with him?"
I nodded. "He acted like a real tosser, but she... She would have
forgiven him anything. And she kept hoping he would admit some fault;
work on sorting things out; rebuild their lives together."
"Are you okay?" She touched my arm. "You look like you're the one it
happened to."
"Huh?" I shook my head. "Sorry. I just need a minute. Do you mind?" I
got up, leaving her seated. "I just need a minute to think."
I went to the doorway, paused to look back at her, then climbed the
stairs.
11
I went into the bathroom and locked the door.
My mind was all over the place. The strange detached memories
intermingled with the true Alison emotional responses was throwing my
equilibrium off. I didn't know what to think or feel. I couldn't handle
it.
I snatched at the ring, ignoring the imperative to keep it on and pulled
at it hard, ripping it up to the first joint. The fizzing started, then
an intense pain followed that ran all the way up my arm. Doubt came in
response to it but I pulled harder anyway, ignoring it. I had to think
straight for a minute, I had to be myself. Seeing Billy had brought my
inner self close enough to the surface to exert sufficient momentum to
pull it off, and I did. I yanked the ring clear and tossed it onto the
sink then shuddered and shuddered again as the flashes started.
I closed my eyes tightly and fell forward, grabbing for the edges of the
porcelain. My back arched then my head lolled. Every muscle in my body
strained. And then the last flash came and I was myself again; panting
against the sink, trying to gather myself
It wasn't like the other times when I'd changed back, with my masculine
traits carrying over. The impact of Billy's visit had churned my insides
up enough to bring me right back to fore straight away. I fell back,
bashed against the wall then slumped onto the edge of the bath; raised
my head to look at my reflection.
My pretty woman's face looked back at me, and seeing it brought a rush
of Alison-memories; the corresponding pieces of the tale I'd just told
Sangeeta. But these weren't the objective memories of a concerned
brother. These were the intense personal feelings for a potent love that
had consumed everything around me and then suddenly burned away, leaving
me cold and alone.
I didn't get the memories in a natural progression as I normally would
have. They pummelled me; overriding all sense of self for several
minutes: the passion and desire; the laughter and love... and then the
bitterness and regret; the abject need and total sense of loss.
I hadn't allowed myself to even think about Billy for months because I
had known how dismal the hole was that I'd plunge into if I did. I had
longed for him to come to me and say the words he said tonight. I had
yearned for it more than I had ever yearned for anything.
That he admitted some fault. That he was willing to put the difficult
days behind us and start rebuilding. That he missed and loved me.
Everything I'd ever wanted in a human being and that I'd lost, here
again, offering everything to me.
But I thought of Sangeeta and a kind of despair crept over me. I could
almost touch the bliss I'd felt with her in my arms earlier. And the
feelings we had for one another were so different from those I'd had
with Billy. Not as intense but... comfortable. It made me think of my
grandparents and the love they had shared.
"Oh God," I whispered. I didn't know what to do.
I hung my head down to my knees and sat like that for several minutes,
trying to think. Then I felt something odd and narrowed my eyes.
I sat up and looked down at my legs in the pedal-pushers I'd put on that
morning. Then I put my hands to my crotch and my eyes went wide.
"Oh no."
I jumped up and stood in front of the mirror, then I snatched at the
front of my pedal-pushers and pulled them open tent-like; grabbed at the
front of my panties.
I still had Geoff's cock.
"God, no." I gaped at it for a moment then I reached in and tentatively
touched it.
It was real. It was a man's cock and leading up from the pubes was a
trail of hair that made its way up toward my belly button before
petering out.
"Oh shit," I whispered. "Oh shit me."
It wasn't a game of dress up anymore. It wasn't me slipping on a man's
body for a couple of hours to get some chores done or to have a bit of
fun and get away from my problems. This was really happening. It was
really changing me, maybe permanently.
I realised then that I hadn't been totally connected to what was
happening. I was riding the lightning; letting it take me away from the
loneliness and loss and the feelings of inadequacy I had facing the
prospect of doing up the house; of making something of my battered
career.
I hadn't allowed myself to really consider the true ramifications of all
this. Of course I hadn't. Why else would I have put on the ring that
second time?
But here were the ramifications, staring me right in the face. Here was
my future if I wasn't careful.
"I have to get out of here," I murmured. "I have to get the hell out of
this place."
I put the king dong away and went to the door, listened, conscious of
Sangeeta downstairs. I had no way to explain my sudden reappearance and
Geoff's vanishing act, but I couldn't turn back now or ever again. I had
to get out. I had to think things through. If I turned back now I might
never manage to get the ring off again and by the time I did it might
have changed me even more.
I could only hope that staying a woman for a day or two would reverse
the physical changes and put me back how I was meant to be.
I thought of Billy and of the name of that pub he was staying in and got
the urgent need to go there right away. I'd been drinking but the change
back seemed to have stripped away much of the inebriation. I felt clear-
headed, though wired and edgy; slightly out of control.
At the top of the stairs I halted, looking down. If I could just slip
out without being seen...
I started down, but at the half way point where the stairs flattened,
Sangeeta stepped out of the lounge doorway and looked straight up at me,
disarmed by my sudden appearance.
"Oh! Alison. I didn't realise you were in. When did you get back?"
I halted, caught in the act, then went on down. "Not long ago," I said.
"I didn't want to disturb you two so I went straight upstairs."
"Where is Geoff? Did he tell you your ex-husband called round?"
I stopped on the third step from the bottom. "Yeah. He... He did. That's
why I'm going out." I passed her and went towards the door.
"Are you going to go after him? I know the name of his hotel. It isn't
far from my place."
"Geoff told me," I said. "The Old Squire."
"That's it."
"Are you going to go and see him?"
I looked back at her then gave a brief nod. "I think so."
"Well be careful Ali," replied Sangeeta. "Geoff told me a little bit
about it and... just look after your heart. You've only got the one."
I smiled at her and nodded, then I went out, not even bothering to close
it behind me.
12
When I got outside, I was so busy thinking about what I might say to
Billy that I didn't see the person on the drive until I walked right
into him.
"Oh, sorry," I blurted, then I looked up into his face and scowled.
"Rasheed? What are you doing here?"
He towered over me and his own face was curled into a grimace of anger.
"I came here to find Sangeeta, and to tell you and your brother exactly
what I thought of you."
"Get out of my way," I snapped, pushing him in the shoulder; but the
action enraged him and he grabbed my upper arms tightly.
"It's your fault things aren't working out for Sangeeta and me - you and
that brother of yours. You keep whispering in her ear that I'm not right
for her. If it wasn't for you we could have been spending all this time
together. We could have been falling in love." He shook me and I gaped
at him helplessly in alarm. He was far bigger than me and maybe one and
a half times my mass.
"Why do you have to interfere?" he demanded. "Why can't you mind your
own business?"
"Let go of me!"
"Bloody English! It's nothing to do with you! We're Indian. It's all
been arranged. If you could just keep your little mouth shut then we
could be happy together. I could make her happy!"
"Get off me. You're hurting."
He shook me again, harder. "I'm sick of all you English, thinking your
ways are better than ours; corrupting the way people think; tricking
them into thinking English ways are better! Why can't you stop
interfering?"
"Let go of me. Please. You're hurting me!"
"I wish I could hurt you," he said, thrusting his face into mine,
forcing my head back. "Perhaps then you would understand how important
this is to me!"
He shook me again, even harder, rocking my head back and forth. I was
getting dizzy, terrified of what he might do and in a panic, my hands
searched desperately for the open top of my bag.
Rasheed took hold of my face in his strong hand, yanking me forward by
my upper arm. "You have to learn to respect other people's cultures. You
have to learn to respect men. None of you English whores do."
"Respect you?" I said, sliding the ring on my finger. "I don't even like
you."
The first flash came, dazzling him, and his grip loosened.
I felt my form swell; my chest broadening; my height shooting up, then
the second flash came, blinding him and breaking his grasp as he
staggered back.
I batted his clutching hands away with big muscular arms.
Then the third flash came and I cracked my fist up into Rasheed's chin,
knocking him back.
He gaped at me in wonder and alarm.
"How does it feel to pick on somebody your own size, you idiot? Huh?" I
grabbed a fistful of shirt just under his neck. "How do you like it when
you meet someone big enough to give you what you deserve?"
I smacked him one, hard on the cheek, whipping his head away, then
stepped in to follow up and roundhoused a smacker into the other side of
his head sending him sprawling to the floor.
"Now stay the hell away from me," I said, "and stay away from Sangeeta.
If she wants to be with you she'll come to you. And she doesn't want
you. Alright?"
He glared up at me, nursing his face, confusion and hurt blazoned across
his features. Then we both heard something that jerked our attention
back toward the house.
"Geoff?"
I turned to face her. Sangeeta was on the step outside the front door,
staring at the two of us. And I realised with a pummelling in my gut
that she hadn't just appeared. She'd heard the shouting through the open
door.
She'd seen everything. I could tell by the look in her eyes.
I looked back at Rasheed. He'd seen it too, despite the flickers of
light. The incredulity was evident.
"Geoff..." Sangeeta went down a step as though she might come to me but
stopped there, wavering. "I saw... Geoff, what was that?"
I shook my head, backing away.
"Geoff, wait. Tell me what that was. I saw Alison. You were Alison."
"I can't," I stammered. "I have to go."
I went to the van, fumbling for the keys in my pocket.
Sangeeta was down on the bottom step now. She was coming toward me.
Rasheed was staggering to his feet.
I turned the key in the ignition. The engine bucked and roared.
Sangeeta was at the side of the van. She was calling my name.
But I didn't listen to her. I stuck the gearstick in reverse and backed
sharply off the drive and onto the road.
Sangeeta came after me, down to the edge of the pavement, still calling
my name as Rasheed stood behind her.
Then I was gone, blasting down the road, leaving only chaos and
confusion in my wake.
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