A Well Lived Life 2 Book 4 ElyseChapter 58 Vermont Vacation
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My Shallow Regret, Chapter 8 - Vacation free porn video
"I look ridiculous."
I stared at myself in the mirror in this airplane bathroom and
immediately regretted every wardrobe decision I'd made. This bandage
dress was too tight and too revealing. These four-inch strap heels were
too high and made me feel like I was going to fall over every time I took
a step - not that I could even take long steps in the dress.
My eyes were lined with black eyeliner and accented with a dark shadow
matching my hair, while my lips were coated in a shiny red gloss that
matched the dress. Even my nails were painted a deep red, courtesy of
Sara who stayed late last night to help me look perfect.
And I did look perfect - if I was trying to make Aiden fall in love with
me all over again. The only problem was I was about to break up with him
and tell him I was pregnant with a baby that most likely wasn't his. I
should've worn dirty workout clothes and forgotten to put on deodorant.
There was a knock on the door, and the flight attendant said "Excuse me,
miss, but you need to return to your seat. We're beginning our final
descent."
I took one last look in the mirror at my face - the face I'd seen so much
in the past week but was still so unfamiliar to me - and opened the door
to go back to my seat. I was stuck in a middle seat between an 80-year-
old man who thankfully slept for the entire flight and a high school girl
who was wearing a cheerleading warm-up outfit and decided after hearing I
was a dancer that we had to be best friends and talked my ear off about
things I barely knew for the better part of four hours. Thankfully she
had her headphones on as I slid by, and I quickly put my own on so the
last 15 minutes of the flight would go by in peace.
We landed right as the opening piano notes of "Runaway" began to play,
and as much as I wanted to listen to my favorite Kanye song, I threw my
phone in my purse, put on my oversized sunglasses that covered half my
face, and grabbed my carry-on bag from the overhead bin and tried to make
it out of the plane as quickly as possible. I'd been able to stuff all my
clothes into a carry-on - even if it probably exceeded the recommended
size for the overhead bin - so I didn't have to wait for baggage claim
and I really wanted to just meet Aiden and get this over with as soon as
possible, like ripping off a Band-Aid.
As I descended the escalator down to the arrivals area, I saw him waiting
at the bottom for me. I'd never seen him in person before, but I
recognized him from his pictures on my phone and Facebook page, and he
was also holding a sign with my name on it. He saw ran over to meet me at
the bottom of the escalator, and dropped the sign as he tried to give me
a kiss. I turned my cheek so he couldn't kiss my lips.
"Good idea," he said in that voice that just made me quiver, even though
I didn't want to. "Wouldn't want to mess up your makeup before the big
surprise."
"Surprise?" I asked. I was not in the mood for surprises, at least not
other than the ones I was going to spring on him.
"I'd tell you, but then it wouldn't be a surprise," he said, as he
reached out to take my bag from me. "Here, let me help you with that."
I apparently didn't have the option of telling him no, as he took the
bag's handle with one hand and my empty hand with the other.
"Ali, it's so great to have you here," he said. "I've missed you so
much."
"I missed you too, sweetie," I said, completely unconvincingly. How could
I miss him? I didn't even know him.
He began to lead me out of the airport towards the taxi area, the whole
time talking about how beautiful the weather was out here and how much
I'd love it if I moved out here, while I was spending the whole time
thinking what the best way to break the bad news to him would be. I
didn't want to just tell him straight out in the middle of the airport,
or even in the cab, but I knew the longer I waited to tell him the harder
it would be.
And of course it just got immediately harder, as instead of leading me to
a taxi, he lead me right past the line of yellow cabs to a waiting limo,
complete with a driver holding open the back door.
"Is this the surprise?" I asked with significant apprehension.
"This is just the start of it," he said as he handed my bag to the
driver, who quickly moved to put it in the trunk.
Oh, crap. He's going to propose, isn't he? Shit. He's about to ask me to
marry him, while I'm standing here, trying to figure out how to break up
with him. Okay, I need to try to do some pre-emptive damage control.
"Aiden, honey," I said as gently as I could. "Please tell me there isn't
a ring in one of the champagne glasses in there. I don't think I'm ready
for that."
"Oh, no, no, no," he said as he started laughing. "We've only been dating
a few months. I love you, but I think we should at least live with each
other before we even think about marriage."
"Oh, thank God," I said. "So... can you tell me what the surprise is
now?"
"You'll see," he said, as he helped me into the limo and closed the door
behind us.
*****
We pulled into our final destination after a very awkward limo ride in
which I did my best to avoid Aiden's questions and advances, and the
driver opened the door for us.
"We're here," Aiden said.
"Okay?" I asked. "So where is here?"
He motioned to the door, and we stepped outside to see we were standing
in front of an auditorium.
"You got a limo to take me to a show?" I asked, very confused.
"Not exactly," he said.
He led me inside as I grew increasingly nervous with each passing step
down the aisle. We got to the front of the stage, and three people were
sitting there in the front row: two middle-aged men in what appeared to
be very expensive suits flanking a younger woman in a purple mini-dress,
who was furiously tapping away at her smartphone, only looking up as the
sound of my heels loudly clacked against the floor of the stage.
"Umm, who are they?" I quietly asked Aiden.
"Remember those people I told you about who said they wanted to meet you
about an audition," he said. Then he gestured over to them with his hand
as if he were presenting them to me.
"Surprise!"
I stood there in silent shock.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I'm not ready for an audition," I said, pointing to my outfit. "I can't
dance in this dress, and even if I could, I hurt my ankle the other day
and I'm nowhere near 100%."
"Oh, no need to worry about that Miss Carlysle," said one of the men, who
clearly had been listening in to our less-than-private conversation.
"Aiden showed us your reel and we're sold on your dancing," said the
other man.
"We'd like to hear you sing," the woman said while she slipped her phone
into her purse. Great, I had her full attention, when all I wanted was
for the three of them to disappear.
My eyes got wide as I turned back toward Aiden. I'd never actually seen a
deer in headlights, but I didn't think I had to anymore, because I was
100% certain that it looked exactly like I did right now. I started
shaking my head at Aiden, doing my best to indicate that I wanted no part
of doing this without verbalizing it -- since I was pretty sure my vocal
cords were incapable of producing sound at this moment.
"You've got this, babe," he said, giving me a big hug and a kiss on the
forehead. "I've seen you do it 100 times before, and you're gonna nail it
now."
"I ... I don't even have a song prepared," I said, squeaking out what
little noise I could.
"Just do your usual," he said. "You'll be great."
He gave me another quick kiss then directed me to the stage before
joining the three others sitting in the front row. I stood center stage
in front of a microphone feeling completely alone and helpless. Part of
me wanted to vomit -- something I'd done plenty of in recent days and
felt confident I could summon on cue if needed right now -- and part of
me just wanted to sprint out of the auditorium and get as far away as
possible as quickly as possible.
Then, just when I was about ready to have a complete nervous breakdown
right in the middle of the stage, I noticed a piano off to the side.
"Can I," I said into the microphone, creating some feedback that startled
me, as I pointed over to the piano. "Can I use that?"
The woman curiously nodded, and I slowly walked over to the piano. I'd
taken lessons from the time I was 8 until I was about 16 years old, and
I'd been pretty good back then. I hadn't played at all in about 5 years,
but they say you never forget how to play, and I figured between my years
of knowledge and Alana's natural musical talents, I could handle
something as simple as what I was thinking.
I sat down at the bench, took a deep breath, then played a high C, two
octaves above middle C.
Then I did it again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
All in all, the same forceful, angry C note 15 times before going one
octave down for the next note. Then, I went back up to B, hitting it
three times in the same cadence before dropping down one octave for a
single lower B. Then back up to a high A three times, before going back
down to the A above middle C. I glanced at the four people in my
"audience" as I went back to the higher F twice, then to the E just next
to it once. They clearly had no idea what I was doing, but I hadn't lost
their attention yet.
As I went back up to the high C, I knew I was still the only person on
stage and the only sound in the auditorium was coming from this piano,
but I closed my eyes and could hear the drum machine kick in with the
vocal drops ringing in my head. I started bopping my head to a song they
couldn't hear and continued to play the piano as my cue for the lyrics
finally arrived.
"And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong... You been
putting up with my shit just way too long..."
I'm sure to them it was strange - and completely unexpected - to hear
this song being sung by this voice, but in this moment it was the only
thing that felt right. As I continued to sing, I couldn't even hear
Alana's voice, as beautiful as I'm sure it was. All I could hear was the
original version of the song washing over me as I felt all the pain of
everything I'd screwed up in the past few days, and everything Alana had
screwed up long before that.
"I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most... So I think it's
time for us to have a toast...
Let's have a toast for the douchebags...
Let's have a toast for the assholes...
Let's have a toast for the scumbags...
Every one of them that I know..."
I still had my eyes closed, so I couldn't see how Aiden and the three
people I was supposed to be auditioning for were reacting, but they
hadn't told me to stop yet, so I just kept going. In a way it was
cathartic. I hadn't actually confessed anything to Aiden, but the words
of the song, and the way I was singing it, were doing that for me.
"Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs...
That'll never take work off...
Baby, I got a plan...
Run away fast as you can..."
Strangely, it was the best advice I could've given Aiden. He might've
loved Alana, but everything I knew about her told me she didn't love him
back. I mean, if she did, there's no way she would've done what she did
with Bryce - which made me question whether she even really considered
Monica a friend.
On top of all the horrible things Alana had done that I had to try and
clean up, I'd been spending the entire week lying to everyone I knew - my
family, my friends, my boyfriend... even Sara. I hadn't been honest with
her, and even though I wasn't sure what would happen if I told her the
truth, or at least what I believed to be the truth, I could've tried.
As I reached the final verse of the song, I could feel tears rolling down
my cheeks, no doubt ruining my makeup. But I didn't care. I just let the
music flow through me and continued to sing and play.
"Never was much of a romantic...
I could never take the intimacy...
And I know I did damage...
Cause the look in your eyes is killing me..."
As I got to that line, I opened my eyes for the first time in the entire
performance and looked over at the front row. I was shocked to see that
the three people I was auditioning for seemed to be strangely captivated
by my performance. Or at least not horrified, which is what I expected
and what I could see on Aiden's face. He was doing his best to hide it,
but I could tell he was hurting and I continued to sing, repeating the
bridge a couple times.
"Run away from me, baby, run away...
Run away from me, baby, run away...
When it starts to get crazy, why can't she just, run away?...
Baby, I got a plan, run away fast as you can..."
I stopped singing, but continued to play the notes on the piano, trying
to hold back the tears. Finally, everything became too overwhelming and I
just started sobbing, as I got up and ran out as fast as my idiotically-
high heels and short dress would let me. I ran straight out of the
building and back into the parking lot, where the limo was still sitting
with the back door open, running into the back seat and slamming the door
behind me.
I buried my head in my hands and wanted to be anywhere but here.
Unfortunately, the limo wasn't going anywhere without a driver, and he
wasn't the next person to arrive. Instead, it was Aiden, who joined me in
the back seat, sitting right next to me and putting his arm around me. I
don't know if it was habit or it just felt right, but I leaned my head
against his shoulder as I continued to cry.
Here I was about to tell him something horrible - some part of which he'd
probably already figured out on his own - and he was still literally
giving me a shoulder to cry on. In no way did I deserve someone like him,
and I was doing him a favor by letting him go.
He let me cry for a solid five minutes before I was finally able to
compose myself enough to say something. Say anything. Say the only thing
I really needed to say.
"I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything, as he continued to rub my shoulder, trying to
comfort me and calm me do. So I continued.
"I'm pregnant," I said, trying to hold back the tears so I could finish
what I had to do.
"It's not mine, is it," he said, more telling me than asking. He didn't
sound angry, just disappointingly resigned to the truth, which made me
even more upset that Alana had treated him the way she did. Until that
moment, I'd been holding out hope that maybe by some miracle the baby was
his, but now I had to face what I knew in my heart to be true.
"No," I said, my voice starting to crack.
"Who's then?" he asked.
"Does it matter," I said, finally pulling myself off of him and sitting
up. "I screwed up."
He still didn't know what to say. I did.
"It's over," I said. "I'll stay in a hotel tonight and get an earlier
flight back."
"You don't have to do that," he said. "You can stay with me as long as
you need. It may not work out between us, but that doesn't mean we can't
be friends."
With that, I started crying again. I couldn't begin to understand why he
was being so nice about this.
"Why," I started to ask through my tears. "Why aren't you mad at me?"
"I'm upset," he said, "but what good is getting angry going to do? It's
not going to make me feel better, it's not going to make you feel better,
and it's not going to help either of us move on. I had a feeling when you
wouldn't move out here with me that it wasn't meant to be. I was hoping
that this trip might change your mind, but at least it brought me some
kind of closure."
"You're too good for me," I said, wiping my eyes dry again. "You set up
this whole audition for me and I went and made an ass of myself."
"Well, if it's any consolation, you sang beautifully," he said.
"Please, stop complimenting me," I said. "Can't you just say one horrible
thing about me? I deserve it."
"Ali, why don't we just go back to my place and talk?"
"I don't know if I can."
"It doesn't have to be about us," he said, sliding a little closer to me
again on the back seat. "We can just ... talk."
"Okay," I said, putting my head back on his shoulder and closing my eyes.
I wanted to fall asleep in his arms and maybe somehow wake up from this
nightmare, but instead I just tried to gather myself as the limo finally
started to pull away.
*****
When we got back to Aiden's apartment, I immediately took a shower,
washing away both my horribly tear-streaked makeup and some of my
emotional trauma. The warm water felt so good on my skin that I kind of
just wanted to stay in there until I had to fly back to Connecticut, but
I knew that wasn't an option.
After the shower, I changed into a pair of green leggings and a purple
sleeveless blouse that hung slightly past my waist. If the real Alana
could see me wearing such a hopelessly unfashionable ensemble, she'd
probably freak out, but since I was the one driving this ship, I was just
going to wear whatever felt comfortable. Realistically, that would've
been literally anything other than what I'd worn on the flight, since
that dress was so tight I could barely breathe.
I walked out of the bathroom fully dressed, but with a towel still on my
head, and sat down on the recliner in Aiden's living room, while he sat
on the couch next to it. We ended up just talking for a while about all
sorts of things, mostly about him and his life out here. He seemed like
he was well on his way to building a life without me, which made me feel
slightly better about the way Alana had treated him and me moving on from
that rather than trying to salvage a relationship that was never really
solid to begin with.
We'd been talking for nearly an hour when he got up to offer me a bottle
of water from the fridge - well, first he offered me a vodka, before
catching himself and remembering I was pregnant - and out of nowhere I
decided to confess something to him.
"It's Bryce," I said.
He stopped a few steps from the kitchen and turned around.
"What's Bryce?" he asked. I pointed to my belly, which wasn't close to
showing any signs of pregnancy but sent the message anyway. "Oh. Wait,
you mean Monica's Bryce."
"Well, not anymore," I said. "Obviously."
"Does Monica know?" he asked, walking back to the living room and sitting
on the arm of the recliner right next to me.
"About the pregnancy, yes," I said, as I stood up and started to pace
around the room. "About Bryce? Not yet."
"You're going to have to tell her eventually," he said.
"You're not telling me anything I don't already know," I said. "I just...
I don't know how to break it to her."
"Do you even like Bryce?" he asked.
"No," I said loudly. "That's the crazy thing. I hate the guy. He's an
asshole and I wasn't lying when I told Monica he was all wrong for him,
but for some stupid reason, I slept with him. A lot."
He just stared at me with a look of confusion on his face.
"I guess it was just easier to do things that would make people hate me
rather than admit that I hated myself."
It was my mouth moving and my voice saying the words, but they were
Alana's words and feelings. I couldn't explain how I knew that Alana felt
that way, I just knew that she did, and in that moment, everything
started to make a bit more sense to me.
She had been in a spiral of self-loathing for the better part of a year,
becoming increasingly reckless with her interpersonal behavior to the
point where she got knocked up by a guy she hated almost as much as she
hated herself, going nuclear on her longest-lasting friendship in the
process. She didn't feel like she deserved to have anyone around her, so
she tried to do things to alienate everyone in her life. Had I not been
dropped in when I was, who knows what she would've done to her family.
I thought that on some level, finding out Alana was more displeased with
her life than I'd been with mine would've been some kind of relief, but
it ended up just making me more upset, because now I wasn't sure if I
should be trying to get back to my life or trying to fix Alana's.
Aiden definitely picked up on my emotional distress, and got up and
wrapped his arms around me.
"Hey," he said, in a comforting tone of voice. "Everyone makes mistakes.
That's no reason to hate yourself."
"I don't hate myself because I've made mistakes," I said. "I made
mistakes because I hated myself. But I want to be a better person. I can
be a better person. I have to be a better person. For me. For Sara. For
my child."
"Sara?" he asked.
"A friend," I said. "And maybe something more."
"That's ... interesting," he said.
"I'll tell you all about it," I said, "but I'd rather not do it here. Can
we go out somewhere?"
"Sure," he said. "I do still have the limo all day, and there's this
place in Hollywood that has a peanut butter cheesecake you'll die for."
"You know," I said, a smile forming on my face for the first time since
I'd landed. "I have been craving peanut butter cheesecake."
We shared a laugh as I slipped on a pair of heels and we walked out the
door.
*****
The cheesecake lived up to Aiden's sell and was easily the best thing I'd
tasted in the time I'd been Alana, and after that we took the limo up to
Malibu and sat on the beach, just letting the sun shine down on us and
enjoying the sounds of the waves.
We returned to the limo, which Aiden had rented as part of a plan for
this whole romantic day starting with the grand gesture of the audition
and ending with a moonlit dinner in the Hollywood Hills, but obviously
that all went out the window with our break up. So we just ended up doing
friend things. Bakery, beach, and finally bar - even though I couldn't
drink.
He even took care of re-booking my flight, getting me a seat on the red-
eye back to the east coast. As much as we were getting along on this
impromptu friendly afternoon, I knew things would get awkward the longer
I stayed out here.
It was still early evening as we sat down at a corner table in this
upscale bar in West Hollywood. I wasn't really dressed for the
atmosphere, but then again the atmosphere wouldn't really be arriving for
a few more hours, so I felt okay about it.
"Here you go," Aiden said, handing me my sparkling cider in a champagne
glass as he placed his beer down on the table. "One non-alcoholic
beverage for the mommy to be."
"Eww, don't call me 'mommy,'" I said. "That just sounds so weird."
He laughed as he sat down and took a sip of his beer.
"Well, that's what you're gonna be," he said, still laughing at my
misfortune a little bit.
"I don't even want to think about that," I said. "I mean, it's obviously
going to happen down the line, but it still seems so far away."
Part of me was still hoping that I'd find a way back to my normal life
and being pregnant would be nothing but a weird, distant memory. But I
was still scared do even try to do anything about it until I knew what it
meant for the baby, for the real Alana, and for everyone else around us.
Aiden and I stayed at the bar for a couple hours, talking mainly about
his acting career, which was just getting off the ground out here. I
think he liked talking about what was going well for him, because it
helped him take his mind off the fact that he was sharing a table with
his now ex-girlfriend.
Eventually we ran out of things to talk about that weren't about our
relationship and why it didn't work - the one subject I said was 100% off
limits - and we got up to leave.
"Oh, Alana, I'm so glad I found you before you left town," said a woman
who was walking into the bar. I didn't recognize her at first, and was
worried that it might be someone I was expected to know from Alana's
past, but then I realized it was the woman from the audition earlier
today.
"Oh, hi," I said, extending my hand to give her a polite handshake. "I'm
so sorry about this morning. I was in no state to be auditioning."
"Sorry?" she asked. "There's no need to apologize. Your voice, the raw
emotion, it was an incredible performance."
"So, are you saying I got the part?" I asked, apprehensively.
"Oh, God no," she said. "You're totally wrong for this part, but I have
to work with someone as talented as you. I need to be in the Alana
Carlysle business. No matter what it takes."
Before I could even respond, she started giving me the hard sell.
"I've got a role in this upcoming project that would be perfect for you,"
she said. "You'd play this bitchy queen bee that has a sensitive side
that comes out when she meets this guy who turns her whole world upside
down."
"Well, that sounds amazing," I said, "but there's just one problem. I'm
pregnant. So I'm kind of going to be out of commission for a while."
"Well the timing might not work on that, but I'm sure there's something
else we can find for you," she said. "You're too talented to just stay at
home and raise a family while Aiden goes to work."
"Oh, we're not together," Aiden said, trying to make the most of an
incredibly awkward situation.
"You're not?" she asked. "But I thought..."
"It's complicated," I said, interrupting. "But it was a pleasure to meet
you..."
"Rebecca," she said, finishing my sentence and finally formally
introducing herself. "Rebecca Forrester."
"Nice to meet you Rebecca," I said. "Maybe in a different world, we
could've worked together."
"Don't close that door yet," she said, as she reached into her purse to
give me her business card. "Pregnant or not, I still think we can make
something work. The world needs to meet you."
"Well, maybe they will, someday," I said as I took the card. "But for now
I just need to weigh my options."
Rebecca shook hands with both Aiden and I, and then we headed outside and
back into the limo.
"So, I guess we should head back to the apartment," he said.
"Aiden," I said, "you've been so great to me all day. I can't even
imagine how hard this has been for."
"Ali, don't," he said.
"Don't what?" I asked.
"Don't act like this hasn't been hard for you too," he said as the limo
began to pull away. "You always put on this big front, like nothing
bothers you, but I saw you open up on that stage. That, for once, was the
real you."
I had to stifle a laugh, since nothing about me could've been further
from the "real" Alana. Still, he was right about one thing - the
performance of that stage was me opening up in some way. Ever since that
moment, I felt like I could be more honest, both with myself and others,
and told myself that when I got home I'd tell my entire family about the
pregnancy, and I'd tell Monica about Bryce, consequences be damned. Just
thinking about opening up brought a smile to my face.
"What are you smiling about?" Aiden asked.
"You know," I said, "we might not work as a couple, but you're just about
the best friend a girl could ask for."
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