My Shallow Regret, Chapter 10 - Confession free porn video

"Not this again." I woke up and immediately hustled to the bathroom to vomit, making it to the toilet just in time. As I vacated the admittedly-light contents of my stomach again, I began to contemplate going through the next few months like this. I'd done some reading last night about pregnancy, and morning sickness in particular. It seemed funny to me at the time that so-called "morning" sickness could strike at any time of day, but I was less amused by the fact that my body seemed to be taking the name literally. Truthfully, I was getting sick of getting sick, and was starting to realize that I might be one of those women who got hit with a much harder pregnancy than most. Which was insane, since it was only a week ago that I became a woman, period. I brushed my teeth to try and wash out the vomit smell, then walked back to my room to try and get a little more sleep. I got back in bed and rolled onto my side, looking at the clock as I went to close my eyes. That gold, double-bell alarm clock was one of the first things I'd seen when I became Alana, and now as I was looking at it, I wished there was a way I could get it to go backwards and reverse it. Sure, so much of what had happened to me as Alana was good, but there was plenty of bad too. And my future held far more things I wasn't remotely prepared for. I got out of bed and grabbed the alarm clock, then sat down at the end of the bed and just looked at it. I wasn't entirely sure why, but I think I weirdly thought that if I stared at it long enough, the hands would start moving in the opposite direction and take me back to being Andrew. Instead, it just kept moving forward, moving me toward a fate in which I'd have to give birth and become a mother, and find a way to put a dance degree to use and with each passing tick of the clock, I could feel the weight of my fate overwhelming me. I thought back to that first day as Alana a week ago, trying not to cry and having that little voice in the back of my head tell me to let it out. Now it was reversed - the little voice was telling me to keep it together, but I didn't want to. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry until everything was right again. I started sobbing, but it wasn't helping. A week ago, crying made me feel a little bit better, but with each tear today, I felt a little bit worse. Then I heard a knock on my open door. "Hey, you okay?" It was Alexis. "Sorry," I said, trying to wipe the tears from my face. "Did I wake you up?" "What's wrong," she said, completely avoiding my question. "Nothing," I said. "No, wait, that's a lie. Everything. Everything's wrong." Alexis sat down next to me at the end of my bed, and put her arm around me. "Hey, I'm sorry I freaked out on you yesterday," she said. "No, don't do that," I said, cutting her off. "You don't need to apologize to me. I need to apologize to you. You were right; I haven't been the best sister I could be. I've been a shitty sister, and it makes me worry that I'm gonna be a shitty mother too." I started crying again and Alexis gave me a hug. "Don't say that," she said. "You're gonna be a great mom." "Lexi, I have no idea what I'm doing," I said. "Like, in anything. It's like everything I ever learned in life was completely wrong and I'm totally lost now." Lexi sat there silently, unsure of what to say, and I couldn't blame her. "God, Lexi, I'm so sorry," I said through my tears. "I really messed up bad. I don't think I can do anything right." "Well, you got me and Ryan together," she said. "That's something right." "I guess," I said. "Hey, seriously," she said. "What's wrong? This isn't like you at all." "I know," I said. "I just... can I tell you something? But you have to promise not to tell anyone." "Of course," she said, sliding on the floor to move in front of me rather than next to me. "We're sisters, you can tell me anything." "Even if it means you'll lose all respect for me?" "That would never happen." "Lexi," I said, trying to compose myself before continuing, "I'm serious. This is bad. Real bad." "Ali, you're scaring me," she said. "What is it?" "OK, so remember the other day when Bryce came over? And he said we'd been sleeping together?" "Yeah," Alexis said, hesitantly. "He wasn't lying," I said. "I was." I could see the shock on her face. "He's the father," I said. "Do you... do you love him," she asked. "No," I said. "I don't want him in my life. I don't even know why I was sleeping with him. But I was, and now I have to deal with the consequences, in more ways than one." "So Monica," Alexis asked, trailing off. "She doesn't know yet," I said. "And I have no idea how I'm going to break it to her. She's gonna hate me, and she has every right to. Hell, I hate me." With that, I started to cry again. And then my crying got Alexis to start crying, which just made me feel worse. "Oh, god, Lexi, I'm sorry," I said between my tears. "Don't cry." "You're gonna leave again, aren't you," she said. "What?" "This is like when you ran away after dumping Mark, and I won't see you for like a year." I wiped my eyes again and tried my best to compose myself. "Lexi, I promise that's not going to happen," I said. "I'm not gonna abandon you." With each sentence I said, I got more confident. I could feel the fear and sadness going away, like the fading clouds on a bright summer day. "I want you to be a part of this baby's life," I said. "I want my baby to know his Aunt Lexi." "His," Alexis asked as she slowly stopped crying. "You're having a boy?" "I ... I don't know," I said, not realizing I'd assigned a sex to my unborn child, who couldn't possibly have one at this point in the development cycle. "I think... maybe... just a feeling." "Don't run away again," Alexis said. She wasn't quite pleading with me, but she wasn't ordering it either. She said it in a way that seemed like she was trying to make it true just by saying it. "I'm not going anywhere," I said. "I just have to face the truth here. And that means talking to Monica." I put down the alarm clock I'd been clutching, got up and grabbed my phone off the counter to text Monica. "Need to talk to you. Lunch? Plan B? 11?" There was no response at first. "Really important." Alexis and I sat staring at the phone for a few minutes. Still no response. "She might not be up yet," Alexis said. I just kept staring at the phone. "Or maybe she's in the shower," she added. "Or maybe she found out, and she's not talking to me." I needed to make sure that hadn't happened, so I quickly called Bryce. "Sup slut," he said, answering the phone in his most delightful fashion. "Okay I know you can't see me right now, but I just need you to know how hard I'm rolling my eyes at you," I said. "And I need you to just shut up and listen to me. Monica and I are in a really delicate place right now. I'm meeting her for lunch today, and I'll talk to her then and I need to make absolutely sure you don't fuck it up." "C'mon, babe, you know..." "No," I said, cutting him off. "The only thing I know is that you'll find some way to fuck this up." "I'd like to fuck you up," he said in the slimiest way possible. God, I didn't think I could hate this asshole more, but every time he opened his mouth he said something so detestable that I literally feared for my future child, who almost definitely shared DNA with him. "Whatever, asshole," I said. "Just don't fucking do anything. Or anyone." I hung up before he could even respond, and saw Alexis giving me a look of disappointment. "No, I don't know why I ever slept with him either," I said, predicting what she wanted to say to me. "But it's my problem to deal with now, and I'm going to deal with it." I texted Monica one more time. "Can do breakfast if it works better for you." Finally I saw those little response bubbles pop up on my screen. I never knew three little dots could make me so happy. "Lunch is fine," she texted back. "See you at 11 :-)" I let out another deep breath. I'd gotten so riled up talking to Bryce that I really just needed to try and calm down again, without getting so down that I started crying again. "So, what'd she say," Alexis asked. "I don't know yet," I said. "I need to tell her this in person." "I know," she said. "I'm not an idiot. Is she gonna meet you." "Oh, yeah, she said we're on for 11." "What are you going to do until then?" I looked over at the clock and saw it was barely after 8. Then I looked at myself in the mirror. Despite still being in the purple tank top and shorts I slept in the night before and not wearing any makeup, I actually looked pretty good. Well, except for my hair, which was a wild mess. "I think I might do something about my hair." ***** "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!" As I walked up to Plan B, I'd hoped to spot Monica before she spotted me, but she was sitting at a table on the patio and happened to be facing the exact direction I was coming from. She yelled at me while I was still half a block away, drawing the attention of just about the entire restaurant. Even a couple people who were seated inside poked their heads out to see what the commotion was about. "YOUR HAIR. IT'S GONE!" Well, that wasn't quite accurate. After getting dressed in a pink halter top and pair of jeans that felt a bit too tight - though I wasn't sure if it was the pregnancy or just not being used to wearing jeans that wore more like a second skin - I went to a nearby salon to get a haircut. At first when I sat down, I considered asking them to just buzz it down to a crew cut, but figured that'd be too extreme even if it was what I'd always done with my own hair. Instead I settled for a pixie cut with sweeping bangs, which really drew the eye to the dark eye shadow I'd managed to put on myself. "Do you like it," I said, finally sitting down at the table across from Monica. "Like it? I love it," she said. "It's so different, but you look amazing! What made you cut it?" "I needed a change," I said. "I need a lot of changes. That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about." "So does this mean you're sticking with the black," she asked. "I dunno," I said. "I thought I read something somewhere that you're not supposed to dye your hair when you're pregnant, so I might just let it go back to red." A day ago, I wouldn't have even known what my natural hair color was without asking, since I'd seen so many pictures of Alana with so many different hair colors, but now that I shared her memories, I knew it was red - though she hadn't worn her natural shade of red in about eight years. "I always thought the blonde looked best on you," Monica said. Then, before I could say something, a voice came from behind. "So did I." I didn't even have to turn around to know who it was. "Bryce," I said, with utter disdain dripping from my voice. "Hey sexy," he said, leaning over and giving me a kiss on the cheek. I quickly spun around and slapped him in the face as hard as I could. His face snapped back and I could already see a red mark forming, and I didn't even feel remotely bad about it. "Damn girl, I know you like it rough, but save it for the bedroom," he said. I was mortified. I hadn't even had a chance to break the truth to Monica gently, and here he was actively trying to ruin things for me. Even with access to Alana's memories I couldn't begin to fathom what she'd ever seen in him. She didn't even think he was good in bed, but she kept sleeping with him anyway. She really did hate herself. It made me sad, but I couldn't even let myself fall into that emotion, because right now Bryce was here actively making me mad. "Oh, please," Monica said. "Like she'd ever sleep with an asshole like you." "You're just mad because she was a better lay then you ever were," Bryce said, a laugh in his voice. Monica looked at me as I turned back at her with a look of total guilt on my face. I had no idea what to say here. I even started to open my mouth, but nothing came out. Then, after a few seconds of looking at me disappointingly, Monica did the most unexpected thing. She started laughing. "Umm, he's ... he's not joking," I said. "I know," Monica said between her laughs. "That's what's so funny. Oh, god. You're... and he... " She couldn't even get full sentences out. She just kept laughing and pointing back and forth at the two of us. "This isn't funny," I said. "I really messed up." "Yeah you did," she said, laughing even harder. "This asshole is gonna be... oh god... I can't even say it." "He's gonna be out of our lives forever," I said, trying to finish Monica's sentence and keep Bryce in the dark about the whole baby situation. "But, baby, you said..." "STOP. FUCKING. CALLING. ME. BABY." My outburst immediately got Monica to stop laughing. She had every right to be pissed at me, and yet somehow I was the one that was more angry about this situation. "Woah, calm down, Ali," Bryce said. "No, I will not calm down, or chill or just roll with it, or do anything you tell me to do, because you're a disgusting pig, and I hate everything about you." Then I looked at him again before continuing. "Everything except your shoes, which make me even angrier because those are fucking classics and you don't even deserve to wear them." "Seriously, Ali, what the fuck is up with you," he said. "You always said once it was over with Monica we could finally be together for real." "I lied," I said. "Okay, is that what you want to hear? I lied because I thought that was the only way you'd ever let Monica go, because she deserves way better than you. And I deserve to be alone." I picked up my purse and started to walk away when Monica stopped me. "Ali wait," she said. "You should stay. He can go." "What," Bryce asked, angrily. "You heard her," Monica said. "She doesn't want you. I don't want you. No one wants you. Get out of here, get out of our lives and don't even think about talking to either of us again." "Man, fuck both y'all," he said. "You already did," Monica said in retort. "And now we're closed for business." Then she got up, threw her drink in his face - something I'd learned in the past few days she was surprisingly good at - and sat back down, signaling over to the waitress as he did. She came over and handed Bryce a towel as she politely directed him toward the sidewalk, then turned toward us. "Hi, yes," Monica said, getting right back into her routine. "She'll have the Guiltless Greek Burger with a side of organic mixed greens, and I'll have the Chop Salad with Chicken." "And for drinks?" "Actually," I said, interrupting, "Can I get the Bacon Cheeseburger, no onions, with a side of tater tots? And we'll both just have water." "Sure thing," she said, as she turned back inside. "Pregnancy craving," I said to Monica, lying my ass off. I knew I was going to have to watch my figure, but I was kind of enjoying the possibility of being able to eat stuff Alana would never eat and chalk it up to "cravings." "So," I said, getting back to the point of why we were meeting. "Are we okay?" Monica paused, closed her eyes for a second, let out a deep breath, then opened her eyes and looked right at me. "We are," she said. "I mean, I should be mad at you. Hell, forget mad, I should be furious. But I guess I'm just relieved that Bryce isn't part of our lives anymore, even if it took something awful to make that happen. "And besides," she added. "You're the one that has to deal with the lifelong consequences of what you did." I looked down at my stomach again, realizing exactly what Monica was talking about. "I do," I said. "But I want you to be there for me every step of the way." "What about a father," she asked. "I mean, I know Bryce isn't an option, but you're not just gonna raise the kid on your own, are you?" "I'm not," I said. "At least I hope not. But I'm also not looking for a man in my life either." The waitress came back with our waters, and I immediately started sipping mine with a smirk on my face. Monica looked at me confused. Then her eyes got really wide. "You don't mean..." "I do." "Look, Ali, I'm flattered, but that kiss was just a kiss," she said. "I love you, but I don't love you love you." I had to stop myself from spitting out my water, nearly choking on it in the process. I finally composed myself and let out a quick laugh before explaining. "Oh, god, no, I didn't mean you," I said. "Well now I'm kind of offended," she said, jokingly. "Am I not hot enough for you? Any lesbian would be lucky to date me." "I'm sure you'd make some confused experimenting college student very happy," I said. "But I'm kinda in love with this girl Sara." "Wait," Monica said, "Panera Sara?" "The one and the same." "Wow. She's hot," Monica said, as she put her water down on the table and leaned back in her chair. "Not bad, Ali. Way to trade up." "We're going on our first real date tonight," I said. "Real date?" "Well," I said, trying to explain without oversharing, "we kinda got a little physical at the reservoir the other night. Then again in my bedroom." "Wait, before or after you broke up with Aiden," Monica asked. "Umm... before," I said, as I snuck another quick sip of water. "But after I'd decided to break up with him, so it's not like I was cheating on him or anything, so it's fine right." "You little skank," Monica said, with a huge smile on her face. "I love it." My face started to turn red with embarrassment as Monica just kept smiling and looking at me. "So what are you ladies doing tonight," she asked. "Anything PG-13, or are you just gonna skip straight to the Skinemax action?" "We're going out," I said, trying to keep my composure and not die of embarrassment. "Dinner, then a movie. Or maybe a movie, then dinner. We haven't really decided on the order yet." "Maybe you can start with dessert," she said, playfully twirling her straw. "A little cherries jubilee." "You are having WAY too much fun with this," I said. "I know," she said. "But, seriously, if this is what makes you happy, then I'm happy for you. Plus, it means I don't have to worry about you sleeping with any of my future boyfriends." "Ok, I deserved that," I said. "You did," she said. "And don't think that's the last time I mention it. Which, by the way, you're paying for lunch. Think of it as a 'you slept with my boyfriend' tax." "Fine," I said, as the waitress arrived with our food. "But you're throwing me the best baby shower ever." "Obviously," she said. "And this better be the best burger ever." I took one bite. It was divine. "OK, fine," I said my mouth full of medium-rare beef, melted cheese and crispy bacon. "This is amazing. I'm paying." Monica laughed and started eating her salad, and for a moment, everything seemed all right. ***** "This isn't right." I kept pulling dresses out of my closet, trying to find the exact one to impress Sara the most for our date, but nothing felt right. We were only going to Grant's, which was kind of dressy, but not super formal, so I wanted to look nice, but I also wanted to be comfortable in the movie, which we'd finally decided to do first. "Hand me the blue one again." Alexis went into the pile of discarded dresses next to my closet and dug out a blue deep v-neck dress with a high waist and short hemline. It was super revealing, both front and back, and I kept thinking it might be too much, but my eye kept coming back to it. "It's too much, right," I asked Alexis as I held it up to my body. "Or not enough," she said, her eyes rolling. "I think I have purses with more fabric than that dress." "OK, MOM," I said, sarcastically. "What do you want me to wear?" "How about this," she said, handing me a BCBG empire waist mini-dress with a metallic top and animal-print skirt. It was just the right balance between sexy and fun. "With some black tights and booties," she said, digging in my closet for the right pair of shoes to go with it, "it'd be perfect." "What would I do without you," I asked, as I took my halter top off and started sliding off my jeans. "Oh, umm..." I said, realizing Alexis was obviously still in the room. "Can I get some privacy?" "Sure," she said, handing me the short, velvet boots with the two-inch heel she'd picked out. "You should probably start getting ready." "Hey, Lexi," I said. "Thanks. For everything." A few hours passed before I headed out to pick up Sara at her place, in an apartment building a few blocks away. I thought about how crazy it was that we'd been living so close to each other and working in the same mall, but likely never would have connected if not for this massive change in my life. I parked out front and she exited her apartment building wearing a low- cut green halter top and black skirt, with her red hair pulled up. All I could do was stare at her incredible breasts as she came right up to me and gave me a kiss. "I love what you did with your hair," she said as she ran her hands through my shortened cut. "I love what you did with your... everything," I said, trying not to sound cheesy, but failing miserably. "Please," she said. "You look twice as good as I do. Your makeup is amazing." I couldn't deny I'd done a great job with it. Having access to Alana's memories made it so much easier, and I could get daring with my looks without risking losing control of myself to a trance state. My eyes were smoky, my lips were pouty and my cheeks were perfectly contoured. I basically had made myself look like the kind of woman I'd want to be with, hoping that it would make Sara want to be with me even more. "Thanks," I said. "So, what are we seeing? I was thinking maybe that Katy Perry movie. Or 'Magic Mike?'" I had no interest in seeing either of those, but I wanted to suggest something that Alana would normally suggest and that Sara might want to see too. But out of nowhere, she surprised me. "How about that new Spider-Man movie," she said. "I love Emma Stone." "I thought I was the only girl you loved," I said, jokingly. "Oh, don't worry, you are," she said. And as if to emphasize it, she gave me a kiss - a deep, long, wet kiss - and even grabbed my ass as she did. "OK," I said. "Spider-Man it is. And pretty much anything else you want if it gets me more of that." "You're easy," she said, as she slid into my car. "I like it." We chatted about our day as we drove to the movie, and I filled in Sara on the drama with Monica and Bryce. She was surprisingly cool with the fact that I'd cheated on my previous boyfriend with my best friend's boyfriend, or at least she didn't make as big a deal of it as I'd expected. Either she really truly cared about me or she understood that it wasn't something I wanted to continually rehash, which I was fine with either way. I was also fine with her idea of "seeing" a movie, which was basically sitting in the back row and making for long stretches. We probably actually "saw" only half the movie, which was fine since I'd already seen it - and I was much more interested in seeing Sara's breasts than a mediocre rehash of Spidey's origin story. And yes, at one point she did take off her top, but quickly put it back on when she realized we were drawing just a bit too much attention. Her hair never did quite make it back into that nice up-do she'd had at the beginning of the night, and was tellingly messy as we walked out of the auditorium with the credits starting to roll. "Don't you want to stick around to see if there's an after-credits scene," she asked, her arm around my waist. "No," I said. "I already saw it. It's pretty lame." "Wait, you already saw it?" "Oh, um, yeah," I said, catching myself. "The after-credits scene. Someone posted it on Facebook." "Oh, okay," she said. She didn't seem entirely convinced. "So you wanna grab dinner?" "Sure," I said. "I'm pretty hungry. All that 'movie watching' took a lot out of me." She playfully hit me on the shoulder, and then gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as we walked out of the movie theater. It was already getting late when we arrived at the restaurant and there was about a 30-minute wait before we got seated. We made some small talk in the waiting area - and made out some more - and finally got a table around 10:30. Our dinner was amazing - and not just because I devoured a double cheeseburger and fries. We talked about our lives, our hopes for the future, and connected on a level like I'd never connected with anyone before. The whole time I couldn't believe I was here on a date with the woman of my dreams, and couldn't imagine anything better. Then, in an instant, I screwed it up. We'd just gotten our desserts - cr?me brulee for her, white chocolate cheesecake for me - when she casually asked me what I'd thought of the movie. "It was okay, I guess," I said. "I think I liked it better the second time." "Second time," she asked as she took a bite of her dessert. "Yeah," I said, still not thinking. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones messing me up or maybe it was this divine cheesecake, which was the best thing I'd tasted since becoming Alana, but I stupidly slipped up and continued, "I saw it opening night with Mark." "Mark," she said, confused. "Your ex Mark?" Oh shit. "Umm, what I meant was..." "Don't lie to me," she said, cutting me off. "I could tell at the theater you weren't being honest with me and I can tell now you're not telling me the whole truth." The whole truth. That was a complicated mess. I let out a big sigh and started rubbing my forehead. I was starting to regret having cut my hair, because I really wanted to start twirling my finger in it - a nervous habit I'd picked up from Alana - but there wasn't enough hair to twirl. "Look, you don't have to hide things from me," she said. "I know you were engaged to a man, and I know he's still someone important to you. I can handle that." "It's not that," I said. "Then what," she said. "Why'd you lie to me?" I looked deep in her eyes. I wanted to spill everything to her, but first I just wanted to look at her, to form a picture of her and burn it into my brain. Because I knew, deep down, that if I told her everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - then there was a good chance she'd never speak to me again. "Can I be honest with you," I asked. "Yes," she said, with a look on her face that was a mix of happiness and concern. "That's all I want. One hundred percent honesty. From both of us." "OK, then I need to tell you something crazy," I said, "and I know you're not going to believe me, but I need to tell you anyway." "So tell me," she said. "I can handle it." I looked around the restaurant. It was late, so it wasn't as crowded as it had been when we arrived, but there were still a lot of people here - more people than I felt comfortable possibly overhearing anything I told Sara. "Not here," I said. "Okay," she said. "Let's go back to my place." I nodded and we quickly finished our desserts in silence, then paid the bill and left. The drive to her apartment was tense as well, though we at least put on her demo CD and listened to the music to fill the silence. Sara tried to get me to open up while we were driving, but I told her I wanted to wait until we were off the road. I could see that she was concerned, but I couldn't tell if it was concern for me or about me. Either way, it would all be over soon. ***** "I'm not the person you think I am." I didn't know exactly where to start with telling Sara the truth. I sat on the blue loveseat in the living room of her one-bedroom apartment and she sat on the recliner in the corner of the room. I was perched on the edge of the loveseat, leaning forward with my head in my hands, practically covering my mouth as I spoke. Sara sat back silently on the couch, letting me tell my whole story. I started at the beginning - literally - with being born Andrew Steven Carlysle. I told her about my childhood growing up, playing football, becoming friends with Mark, my rocky relationship with my sister, my failed attempt at college, my shitty retail job, my parents' pending divorce and my mom kicking me out of the house. It took a while, and Sara stayed quiet the whole time, but eventually I reached the point in my life story where everything changed. I tried to explain as best I could what happened, even though I still didn't really know how it happened. How I woke up one morning as Alana, seemingly stuck in a life I'd never lived, and tried to make the most of it even as the world continued to throw surprises at me. "And me," she asked. "Was I a part of this other life?" "Well," I said, hesitating. "Remember," she said. "One hundred percent honesty." "Okay," I said, trying to hold back tears. "You ... you were just the girl who worked at Panera Bread. The girl I dreamed of. The one I wanted to tell how I felt, but never said anything other than a lunch order to. You were so beautiful it scared me." "Why," she asked. "Because a girl like you never would've been with a guy like I was," I said. "You don't know that," she said, as she got up from the recliner and joined me on the loveseat. She put her arm around me and leaned her head against my shoulder. "You never even gave us a chance." "So," I asked, choking back tears, "you believe me?" "I'm not sure what to believe," she said. "It all sounds so impossible, but you don't seem crazy. And it sure would explain how different you are now." "Different," I asked. "Sure," she said. "The Alana I knew in school was cold. She could put on like she cared, but really all she cared about was herself. I mean, she was the kind of girl who bailed on her family and friends when she ran out on her fianc?. I mean, sure, she inspired me musically, because she was so damn good at what she did, but she wasn't a friend, and I'm not sure she would have been. "I guess what I'm saying," she continued, as she turned toward me, "is I'm not in love with Alana. I'm in love with you." Then she kissed me. It was far from the first time she'd done so - we'd literally just spent half a movie making out - but it felt like the first time she was kissing me. "But you said you loved her from the moment you first saw her," I said as I broke away from the kiss. "And you loved me - or the other version of me - even though you didn't even know my name," she said. "That kind of love, the physical 'love at first sight' kind, that's superficial. What we have... what we could have... this is real." I couldn't hold the tears back any longer, only they weren't tears of unhappiness or frustration. They were tears of joy. I still had no idea why this had happened to me, but I finally knew for sure that I never wanted to go back. Sara wiped the tears from my eyes, and gave me another kiss. Then she got a mischievous grin on her face. "What's that look for," I asked. "If what you're telling me is true, you've only be a woman for, what, like a week," she asked. "Eight days," I said, as I looked at the clock, showing it was now close to 1:30 a.m. "I guess today is my ninth day." "So you've never had sex as a woman," she asked. "I have not," I said, sheepishly. "I mean, I've had sex - as Andrew - and I remember all the times Alana had sex. And she had sex a lot, but no, I haven't done anything down there. "Hell," I continued. "I haven't even masturbated. I guess once you find out you're having a baby, you stop being turned on by a new set of sex organs." "So you're kind of like a virgin," Sara said, as she ran her perfectly- manicured finger down from my chin to right in between my breasts. "I mean, if you want to put it like that," I said, "sure." "Well then," she said as she got up from the loveseat and pulled me up by my arm, "I think we're going to have to do something about that." She led me into her bedroom, where we stood by the foot of the bed. She slowly, seductively slid her top off. Then she followed by unhooking her bra, letting it drop to the floor. "Wow," I said, instinctively. "You're looking at me like these are the first breasts you've ever seen," she said. "First in a while that weren't mine," I said. "And yours look way better." "I'll be the judge of that," she said as she spun me around and unzipped my dress. It fell to the floor, and Sara spun me back around and pushed me back onto the bed. She climbed on top of me, straddling my body, running her finger up and down my naked torso. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll be gentle." She began by kissing me as she caressed my breasts, working her tongue in my mouth in a way I'd never experienced before. As she pressed her body closer to mine, it was like we became one, moving together in perfect harmony. I felt an intense sexual satisfaction like I never had before as she moved down my torso and slid my panties off my legs. Her tongue penetrated my wet, tight vagina, and I shuddered with a wave of bliss like I'd never experienced. She continued to go down on me, as my soft, gentle moans turned into loud, sharp screams of pleasure. Sara knew exactly how to touch my body to get it to respond, using everything in her erotic arsenal to turn me on. "OH GOD YES," I screamed, grabbing on to the sides of the bed as hard as I could. Sara didn't say anything, continuing instead to do magical things with her mouth. I'd had sex before, but it never felt like this. Nothing I'd ever felt in my life felt like this. I was never much of a religious person, but I had to imagine this is what heaven was like. It didn't take much longer before Sara brought me to my breaking point. As her tongue rubbed against the lips of my soft slit, I arched my back, nearly levitating off the bed. I experienced the most powerful orgasm of my life, letting out a scream that easily could've woken anyone in the building. I flopped back down onto Sara's now-soiled pink, satin sheets and looked straight up at the ceiling, breathing as hard as if I'd just run a marathon. Sara lay down on her side next to me, putting her arm right under my breasts. "So," she said, "was I good?" I was still too blown away to even begin to form words, so I just giggled as a huge smile came across my face. I rolled to my left and put my own arm around Sara, and we just got lost in each other's eyes, eventually falling asleep in a warm embrace. ***** Daytime arrived, and Sara was already in the shower when I woke up, still in a state of blissful shock over what had happened just a few hours earlier. I looked over at my phone at was stunned to see it was already after 10 a.m., and my mother had texted me multiple times asking where I was. I texted her back assuring her I was fine and that I'd be home later, then got out of bed and started putting on my dress from the night before. "No you don't," Sara said, emerging from the bathroom in a light blue satin bathrobe with a towel wrapped around her head. "I'm not letting you do a walk of shame out of here." "That's sweet," I said, "but I kinda don't have anything else to wear." "Just borrow something from my closet," she said. "I'm sure we can find something that'll be a decent fit." So the dress went back on the floor and I stood nude next to Sara as she began going through her wardrobe to find something suitable for me. "Oh, you'd look amazing in this," she said, handing me a faux leather jacket with a half-zip front. "Don't I still need a shirt," I asked. "No, you wear it like a top," she said. "Plus, it's thick enough that it won't matter that you're not wearing a bra. Because, well, I can't really lend you one of those." She playfully patted my small but surprisingly firm breasts, drawing a smile from me as she turned back to the closet. It was significantly more organized than mine, though Sara's wardrobe was admittedly far less extensive than my own. She pulled out a pair of skinny jeans to go with the jacket. "These will work," she said. "Why don't you hop in the shower while I track down a belt?" "You sure you don't want to join me," I said, stroking the back of my hand against her cheek. "If we start that, we'll never make it to lunch," she said. "Now you shower, I'll get dressed and we can meet your friends at the mall." Oh, right, I'd totally forgotten I told Monica and Gwen that I'd introduce them to Sara today. Well, then I guess it was really time for me to get ready. It only took me about an hour to shower, get dressed and do my makeup, which was a solid improvement over the times when I'd slipped into Alana trance mode. Sara was putting the finishing touches on her hair as I looked myself over in the bedroom mirror. "You know you're not getting this jacket back, right," I said as I admired my outfit. It felt strange to be so obsessed with how I looked, but I'd never looked this good in my life, and I was enjoying it. "It looks better on you anyway," she said, giving her hair one last brush and turning off the bathroom light. "You ready to go?" "You look great," I said. "You too," she said. "Now let's go make your friends super jealous." I drove us to the mall, and we listened to more of Sara's demo on the way over. I really enjoyed her songs, but she said she still wasn't sure she wanted to be a singer. I thought she had the talent to do it, but I also had to admit that I wasn't entirely objective when it came to anything about her. We met Monica and Gwen, who'd already grabbed a table at P.F. Chang's and were happily chatting away when we arrived. "Monica, Gwen," I said, nervously. "This is Sara... my girlfriend." "Hi Monica," Sara said, extending her hand. "I think we've met. At the store." "Yeah," Monica said. "You're the only one who ever gets my order right." "And, Gwen, is it," Sara asked. "Yep," she said. "Nice to meet the girl who got Ali to switch teams." "Ohmigod, Gwen," I said, blushing. "I mean, I knew that kiss with Monica the other night was hot, but I didn't think you'd go all the way." "Kiss," Sara asked. "With Monica?" "It was nothing," Monica said. "Just girls being silly to make a guy jealous." "Looked like it turned into something," Gwen said. "You're just mad because you're the only one at this table that hasn't gotten to kiss me," I said, jokingly. "Is that an offer," Gwen fired back. "Don't even think about it," Sara said, though I couldn't be quite sure if she was saying it to me or to Gwen. Either way, Sara was making it clear that I was hers, and I kind of liked it. One person who wouldn't like it, without a doubt, was Bryce, who was calling me again. It was no less than the fourth time he'd called me this morning, and I'd let it go to voicemail each time. But his persistence was both getting on my nerves and getting harder to ignore. "Who is it," Sara asked. She'd seen me look at the phone and put it back away each time, and was growing concerned for me. "It's just Bryce," I said. "I don't want to talk to him. Like, ever." "Just ignore him and eventually he'll get the hint," Gwen said. "No," Monica said. "He won't. He's an idiot, and a stubborn idiot at that." Monica was right. Simply ignoring this problem wasn't going to make it go away, and I wasn't going to be happy getting 20 voicemails a day that I didn't want to listen to. I needed to cut this off, and the first step to doing that was blocking Bryce's number. Now, the reality was that thanks to my life as Andrew, I knew perfectly well how to block a number on an iPhone, and I knew that it in no way required the actual services of anyone at the Apple Store. But the Alana in me was never one to pass up an opportunity for deviousness, and I quickly realized that I could both solve my short-term Bryce problem and try and smooth things over with Monica and Mark at the same time. "Well," I said, trying not to give away my intentions, "I could block his number. But I'm not even sure how to do that." "Just call AT&T and they can probably do it for you," Monica said. "Or..." I said, putting my plan into motion, "We could go up and see Mark. I bet he'd be able to do it in a second." "Oh no," Monica said. "You're not seeing Mark." "Why not," I asked. "I mean, it's not like we're going to be anything more than friends." Then, as if to emphasize my point, I put my arm on Sara's leg and started rubbing her thigh. She gave me a quick slap on the hand. "Don't you start," she said with a big grin on her face. "Unless you plan on paying me back for this morning." "This morning," Monica asked, her eyebrows arched even more than her makeup job suggested. "A lady never kisses and tells," I said, much in the same manner I had when Monica, Gwen and I went out to The Cloud last week. "So, again, there was kissing," Gwen immediately followed up with. "Not on the lips," Sara said, before closing her lips - the ones on her face - and pretending to lock them and throw away the key. Both Monica and Gwen just stared at the two of us with the same vacant, shocked look on their face. "You see why seeing Mark won't be a problem," I said to them, trying to get back to the point of this increasingly embarrassing conversation. I didn't know if girls always talked this openly about this kind of stuff or if this was just a case of Monica, Gwen and I having a particularly close relationship, but clearly this was something I was going to have to get comfortable with if I was going to live this life convincingly. "Fine," Monica said. "But then I want details. Juicy details." "Oh, there were juices," Sara said. My face turned redder than my natural hair color, as I buried my head in my hands. At that moment, my phone started buzzing again, and I was never happier to see Bryce's contact information pop up. "Seriously," I said, showing the phone to everyone else. "We need to get this taken care of. Now." Everyone agreed, and we made our way as a group up to the Apple Store, where I'd worked side-by-side with Mark for years in another life. But now walking in there didn't have the same familiar feel it used to. Because of the scene that had happened between Mark and me last week, it felt like - well, it wouldn't be quite accurate to say I wasn't welcome there, but there was this uncertainty in the air, like I shouldn't be there. But I knew this time I could just get in there, have Mark quickly block the number on the phone, and maybe have the whole thing go off without Mark and Monica at each other's throats, hopefully laying the groundwork for a friendship, or at least a detente, between the two of them. Simple, right? Of course, if there was any lesson I should have learned from the past nine days, it was that nothing is ever simple. I flagged down Mark, who was with a customer, and he let me know that he'd help me out as soon as he was done, even though I didn't have an appointment. I felt a little bad taking advantage of him like this so soon into our rekindled friendship, but I needed him and Monica to be friendly with each other if I was going to maintain a friendship with both of them. Honestly, over the past couple days, I'd frequently considered what I would do if forced to choose between them. On the one hand, Mark and I - the I that I truly was - were best friends. I was as close to him as I was to anyone outside my own family, and probably closer than most of my family. But in the life I was living now, that was Monica's place - and now that I had all those memories, I knew why. It wasn't quite Sophie's choice, but I knew if I had to choose I'd be hurting one of the people closest to me, which is why I was so dead set on getting them together. No, wait, not "together," though the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if I should take it that far. I mean, to be fair, the Mark and Monica I knew a week ago were dating and nearly engaged. For now, I'd settle for "talking to each other without getting in a fight." I looked to the back of the store to see that Mark was just about finished up when my phone buzzed with Bryce's number again. I quickly hit "decline" then heard a voice behind me, sending a shiver through my spine. "So that's how it is, huh?" I didn't know how, but Bryce had tracked me down, and was now standing right behind me. "Are you stalking me," I said as I turned around to see him to hopefully end this conversation with a swiftness. "When the hell were you gonna tell me you were pregnant," he asked loudly, not quite shouting, but forceful enough that I got scared about what his intentions were. That caught the attention of Monica, Gwen and Sara, who'd scattered around the store but now quickly rushed to my side. "How did you find out," I asked. "That doesn't matter," he said. "Is it true?" "It is," I said, sheepishly. For all the people I'd accidentally or reluctantly told the news to, Bryce was the first person I absolutely didn't want to tell. But I knew I couldn't lie to his face, especially if he already found out. "So what are you gonna do about it," he asked. "Do about... it?" "Yeah, I'm not ready to be a dad," he said, as if that was the issue at hand here. "Obviously not," I said, "but that doesn't matter. I don't want you to be." "So you're gonna take care of it then," he asked. Well, no, he didn't really ask. He more said it, like it was a statement of fact, and he was relieved about it. And that really pissed me off. "Are you saying what I think you're saying," I asked, my annoyance clearly coming through in my voice. Sara wrapped her arm around mine, partly to support me, but also partly to hold me back in case I did something I'd regret. "What's so hard to understand," he said. "Say it. Say the fucking word." "Abortion," he said, raising his voice. "I want you to have an abortion." I closed my eyes to gather my thoughts, because I knew if I just reacted to what he'd just said, I'd fly off the handle. I couldn't remember being this angry at any point in my life - whether as Andrew or Alana - and with each passing microsecond, the anger was only building. It was like every bit of rage I'd felt at my failures in my life before the switch and everything I'd had to deal with after it was being channeled into this exact moment, and Bryce had, with his completely insensitive declaration, become the perfect outlet for it. "FUCK. YOU." I didn't scream it, though I'd certainly wanted to. I just said it loudly, firmly, and as confidently as I could, fighting the rollercoaster of emotions I was experiencing at the moment. Sara clutched my arm a little tighter, while Monica, startled by an anger she'd never seen from me, took a step back. "It's my body," I said, "and I'm the only one who gets to decide what to do with it." As I said the words, the enormity of what I was saying hit me. It's my body. Not Alana's. Not a body I'm in by accident that I'm going to try to get out of. This was me now, and it was the only me I wanted to be. And I wanted to have this baby, regardless of the shitty circumstances that led to its conception. As crazy as it would've sounded to me last week, I wanted to be a mother. But right now, all I wanted was for Bryce to leave. Leave the store. Leave my life. Forever. "It's our baby," he said. "No, it's MY baby," I said in quick return. "You don't get to throw the abortion card out there then act like you give a shit about it. I want you out of here. Now." Just then, a voice chimed in from behind me. "You should listen to her." It was Mark, who'd finally emerged from behind the Genius Bar to help deal with this escalating situation. Only, looking at his face, I feared he would just escalate it more. Or, maybe, more accurately, I hoped he would. I knew that in my new body I couldn't quite do as much damage to Bryce as I would've liked, so I kind of hoped Mark would do it for me. "I don't know you," Mark continued, "but I know Ali wants you gone, so you need to leave." "Make me, asshole," Bryce said, stepping toward all of us. Mark stepped in front of me and got right up in Bryce's face. Bryce was probably an inch or two taller than Mark, but the Mark I knew was never intimidated by anyone, whether on the football field or in life, and it was clear this Mark was much the same in that manner. "You don't want me to do that," Mark said, trying to be calm and de- escalate the situation. But things were quickly spiraling out of control. "Like you could," Bryce said, firing back dismissively. "It's obvious why Ali left you. You clearly weren't enough man for her. I guess I was just too much for her to handle." "Leave," Mark said, his nostrils flaring. "Now." I tried to put my arm - the one Sara wasn't already holding back - around Mark's arm, but he shrugged me off and took another step toward Bryce. They were now nose-to-nose, and I could tell this wasn't going to end well. Bryce took a step back and put his hands up facing out, as if to signal that he was backing off. He continued to step back slowly and Mark turned toward me and started to ask if I was OK. But before Mark could say a word, Bryce charged and threw a wild punch. Years of protecting Mark's blind side caused my protective instincts to kick in and I pushed him aside. I looked up and the last thing I saw was Bryce's fist as it made solid contact with the side of my face. In an instant, everything went black.