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I'm sorry to my friends who've missed my diary. I'm really flattered that you seem to like reading about the rather ordinary events in my simple little life. I hope you'll understand that I've been trying to study for my final examinations, and simultaneously trying to stifle (usually unsuccessfully) these awful desires inside me.

I guess I've missed writing the diary. You see, it acts as a kind of confessional for me. I don't go to confession any more, and writing my diary acts as a way of unburdening myself of my concerns. When I used to go to confession at church, I always used to come out feeling refreshed. Although, deep down, probably eager to sin again.

If I was able to go to confession now, I would tell the priest that I've been keeping lots of secrets these last few weeks. I'd tell him that I've been telling lies to my Mum and Dad, and to my boyfriend. And I'd probably need to tell him about the urges that I feel between my legs. I'd also want to tell him that I'm very unhappy at the moment....

You see, I've been telling my Mum and Dad that I've been going to the college library, when I've been going on a hot date with a spare pair of panties hidden in my bag. And I've been telling all my friends that I'm really happy with Ed, but often needing to see Carlo afterwards in my disappointment with my "lover".

You'll know, of course, that I had another date with Ed last Saturday. I suppose I imagined that all men were the same, having had Carlo and Ben as my first boyfriends and tutors in the art of love-making, and that within ten minutes we'd be in bed together. I'd even drawn my bedroom curtains in readiness, so that the neighbours wouldn't see me drawing them after he'd arrived and then deduce that I'd taken him to bed. Neighbours are so nosy in the Philippines!

I thought I had told him that I was eager for sex with him by taking him on a shopping trip to buy my new panties and bra. I thought I had made everything plain. I therefore thought it was a mere formality. Our "date" would be on top of my bed. I'd even thought of putting a bath towel down on the bed sheets in case either he, or I, or both of us came quickly in our excitement.

But Ed really did think this was an ordinary date! Well, at least, I realised this after he'd been with me for a few minutes. He told me what he'd got planned: a trip to the movies... I guess he didn't realise why I looked disappointed. "Is everything ok?" he asked. "Yes, yes", I said, trying to conceal my anger with him.

Of course, by the time we got out of the movies, I knew Mum and Dad would already be back. I was angry. So when he tried to kiss me, I backed away from him. Usually I like his gentle kisses. Now it was his turn to be upset, and so the rest of our date was spent in near silence. I just wanted our date to end. And already, as we sat in a cafe drinking a coffee, I was recalling our previous disastrous date of a few weeks ago when I had met Carlo on the way home.

I just wondered whether the same would happen again. Unfortunately, there was to be no "fateful" meeting this time. But as I sat at home in my bedroom that evening, rubbing myself between the legs, I couldn't wait to see Carlo again. So it was another trip to the "library", where I'd been studying hard on Carlo's bed at least twice earlier that week. Usually after a date with Ed.

I was determined that some man would see the new panties and bra that had been meant for Ed's eyes. For some reason, that was the only thought that came into my mind as I walked to his house. But when I approached Carlo's house, with just a low light shining in his bedroom, I instinctively knew what that meant. I felt sick in the stomach. I didn't need to knock on the door. Through the open window, I could hear the familiar sound of the springs on his bed, and the moans of a girl as thrust his long cock into her.

I walked home in tears that night. And since then I've vowed that I won't go near men again. Although I don't know how long that vow will last. I'm seeking solace at the moment with my toy, bought on the advice of a friend, and with my girlfriends, especially those who've also got boy troubles at the moment.

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