Alyx In Wonderland Chapter 9 free porn video

Chapter 9 Allie My life had got better since everything happened. After a few days, I had learned to avoid Twitter. Min assigned an intern to keep track of my mentions ('don't worry. She gets school credit') so that I could focus on work. Like my mum had predicted, the circus moved on to the next celebrity crisis du jour. The play rehearsals had calmed down as well, with even Ron apologizing for how he and I had started. It helped that we were due to open in two weeks and we were all monomaniacally focused on that. Abigail, the director, and I had gone for lunch and she had congratulated me on my 'bravery.' I laughed inwardly, thinking that I wasn't brave. I was outed and had no choice but to acknowledge it. Monica was right. My all American girl days were over. But, things were looking up. I had recently booked a commercial for the Subaru Outback. "Let me get this straight," Tom had laughed when I told them. "Now, you're the lesbian girlfriend..." ---- "I'd really like to come with you," Jacob said. I was lying in bed, with my head on his chest, while he ran his fingers through my hair. "It's a big deal." "I know. I didn't mean anything. Chloe said that she could come." She said it after I asked her. He was trying to be supportive and it wasn't like he didn't understand. He looked upset. "Please. I really want to do this for you." I turned myself so that I was facing him, my chin on his chest. "I know. It's just, after everything, I want to make my own decisions." He started to speak. "I know what you're going to say and I'm not comparing you to her." If I even said Becca's name, he looked miserable. "And she wasn't as bad as all that," which made him pout. "But I need to make decisions for myself and not wait for them to be made. You understand that, right?" Then, I kissed him on the nose. I could tell he wasn't entirely happy, but he dropped it and went back to stroking my hair. I sighed. He really wasn't Becca. "If it means that much to you, sure..." He easily flipped me off his chest and pinned me, his hands resting lightly on my wrists. "Are you sure about this?" I wasn't sure. I looked up at him. He looked so happy. And Chloe wouldn't really be upset. Which was how, three days later, we found ourselves sitting in the office of Dr. Leslie Cornfeld, an endocrinologist. I'd been thinking about it for a long time, since the park. I was Allie. Alexandra to my parents. I wasn't Alex anymore. Still, I sat in the doctor's office, my leg bouncing up and down. Jacob put his hand on it and tried to comfort me. "There's nothing to be nervous about." "Uh huh," I said, flicking through a magazine and suddenly very aware of the forms on my chest. "I remember what it was like the first time I went. I was excited. Are you excited?" "Sure," I mumbled. It wasn't like I could go back to being Alex. Even if I wanted to. I was Allie and this was the next logical step. Before Jacob could say anything, a tall woman in a lab coat came out. She was wearing black flats, a white shirt and a gray knee length skirt. She had dark hair and green eyes. She offered her hand. "Ms. Liddell? I'm Dr. Cornfeld." I put down the magazine and smiled nervously, offering my hand. "Hi, I'm Allie Liddell. Oh wait, you know that. And this is my...uh," I couldn't stop myself from giggling, "my boyfriend Jacob Foster." She seemed to appraise him, then smiled. "Very nice to meet you. So, Allie, come with me." Jacob got up to follow and she said, "That's OK. You can stay here, if you'd like." He looked at me. "I'd like to come in." She looked at me and I offered, "I'd like him to be there. Just as a second set of ears." She shrugged and we followed her into her office. She sat behind her desk. "Would you like any water or coffee?" I smiled weakly. "I'm a little too nervous for anything. Jacob?" He shook his head. She smiled warmly. "There is nothing to be nervous about, Allie. We're just here to talk and see what happens from there." I exhaled, and Jacob stared at me. "Great, thank you, doctor." She picked up her pen. "You can call me Leslie, if you'd like." I laughed a little. Feeling like I was on the edge of becoming manic. "Thank you, Doctor... Leslie." She picked up her iPad and started scrolling. "So, you're here to discuss starting on a hormone regimen." "Uh yes." She stared at my chest. "These are breast forms." "Hmm. What brings you here?" I looked at her, then at Jacob and then at her. She smiled. "There's no wrong answer." Jacob put his hand on mine. "It's OK, Allie..." "Well, I'm an actress and I've been wearing breast forms and padded knickers, which aren't ideal. Bloody uncomfortable, in fact. I've been living like this for several months now and I think I'm ready, as it were, to stop that." She looked at me and then typed something on the iPad. "That's very interesting. Hormones are a very serious step." I shifted in my seat. "I understand that. But, I'm ready, I think." "This is not something you think, Allie. This is something you know." Jacob's hand suddenly felt very heavy on mine. "I know it's a serious step. And I know I'm ready for it." I looked at Jacob, who nodded. "Like I said, I've been living as Allie for a long time. I'm Allie now and I want to be Allie without," and, without thinking, grabbed my chest, "all of this nonsense." Jacob looked away and Leslie laughed. "Allie, if you start hormones, those," and she stopped for a second to regain composure, "will be more nonsense than you realize." She looked at Jacob, then me and then rolled her eyes. "As I said, this is a serious step you're taking." She looked down again at the iPad. "You're 22. While you can stop hormones at any time, there will be changes to your physiology..." "I know, doctor. I've done my reading. And I know I want to do this." "Have you spoken with anyone about this?" "My mum. My friend Chloe. Jacob," I could feel the sweat and the heat from his hand mixing with my own. She looked at me. "I meant a psychologist or a counselor." "No," I looked down. "Was I supposed to?" She sighed. "It's not required. New York is an informed consent state. You and I can go through the drugs and the effects and the side effects, and that would be enough. But, do you think you might want to talk to someone?" I could feel Jacob's eyes staring through me. I didn't look at him. "I don't know. I'm not sure that it's necessary. This is what I want." She sighed again. "I'd ask that you think about it, at least in conjunction with beginning the regimen." I nodded. "Well, let's look at your labs....well, your testosterone levels are definitely at the lower end..." "That's good right?" She smiled. I felt like a child. "Yes, Allie, that's a good thing," and Jacob laughed. "I'll ask again, you are aware of what's going on here?" "I know. This is just new for me. I'm nervous. Does it mean anything?" She looked at me and then at my chart. "Well, any number of things. It can be inherited. It can happen in the womb. Obesity, although that's clearly not your problem. Or it can be caused by treatments for..." and I stared at her. He knew I had been very sick as a child but I hadn't discussed it in any depth with him. She seemed to read my mind. "Well, regardless, you have lower than normal levels, which should make you more responsive to the regimen." I nodded and she continued, "So, this is a two step process. You'll be on a regimen of estradiol, which mimics natural estrogen, and spironolactone, which will act as androgen blocker...." We left the doctor with a low dosage prescription for each. Jacob took me to a little park around the corner. We bought a loaf of bread from a corner shop and sat on a bench feeding the birds. After a few minutes, I laid my head on his shoulder. "Do you not want this?" He said in a soft voice. One very large pigeon was eying the loaf. I got the feeling he was thinking of rushing us. "I do." I squeezed his arm. "Now please don't ask me again." I kissed his shoulder. ---- That evening, I met Chloe for dinner. Just the two of us. A few nights before, she and Tom had met Jacob for the first time. Tom played the concerned older brother, asking him what his intentions were with, 'our little Albatross.' I told him that I intended to drown him the next time we went kayaking. It had given me a thrill to hang out as couples, but now I just wanted Chloe. I was telling her about the hormones, how Dr. Cornfeld told me that the estradiol could cause migraines, mood swings, hot flashes and weight gain. She laughed, loudly enough that people could hear, before she lowered her voice, well as best she could. "Wow, if you got cramps, you would totally be a girl..." I laughed. "Shut up. It's not funny, Chlo..." "Yes, it is. It's actually fucking hilarious." It actually was but I wasn't giving her that. "Tom would be rolling on the floor." I glared at her and she kept laughing. "Relax, I'm not saying anything, Allie. So what else? So like what else is going to happen?" "Well, apparently, I can expect to be one size smaller than my mum, up top...so probably a B or C." She looked at me and smiled. "And my bum will get bigger and my waist smaller." "What about..." "Well, yeah, that. It's not going to fall off or anything," and we both laughed. "But, it's going to make it less, y'know, functional...and...they'll shrink..and I probably won't be able to cum as easily..." She looked at the table intently. "Sorry, that's TMI, isn't it?" She looked at me. "No, Allie. It's fine. It's just... a big step and I guess I didn't think about that." We talked for a while, going over the conversation I'd had with Doctor Leslie. The restaurant was waiting on its liquor license and so was 'bring your own bottle' and by that point we were pretty sloshed. The wine was making Chloe blush. "So, what about kids? Will you be able to have them?" "It's not going to make me grow a uterus," I laughed. A guy at the next table turned and gave me a reproachful look, which made me laugh even harder. "I know THAT, Allie. I meant if you wanted to be," and she laughed, "a father. Wow, that's fucked up, isn't it?" I laughed, looking down at the dress I was wearing. "Just a little," I said, holding my thumb and forefinger apart. "Well, anyway, they can freeze my sperm," which made us laugh even more, "and somewhere down the line, I can have it implanted." She was laughing too. "My dad always said, when we'd complain about him, that therapists have to eat too." I looked at her. "True enough. Anyway, I can do that. But I'm not sure that it matters..." "Why? You could decide you want them." "It's not that," I said, feeling myself getting emotional again. I dreaded what would happen once I started on the pills. "It's, y'know, from when I was a kid and everything...." She just said, 'oh.' There was a long pause. "So, what else is up?" "Becca called me," she said tentatively. I choked on my water. "Oh wow. What did she say?" "She left a message. I haven't called her back. I wouldn't do that without checking with you first." I smiled. "Thank you but you didn't have to do that. You don't need my permission to talk to her. You were friends first." She smiled and I continued. "Did she say anything?" "No. Just, 'hey, we haven't spoken in forever' and 'just thought I'd see if we could reconnect.'" She mimicked Becca's voice as she quoted her. "What do you think she wants? How did she sound?" "I dunno. Something for work, I'm sure." She paused, bringing her glass up to her lips but not drinking. "She sounded, I dunno, different." "How different? Happy? Sad?" I was rooting for despondent. She laughed. "Nah. I can't explain it. Just different." She picked up her phone. "Listen." I did and she asked, "I'm right, right? She sounds weird, right?" I played it again. "You're right. I can't explain it, but yeah...so are you going to call her?" She looked at her phone, then me. "Would that be OK?" "Of course. I don't care." I didn't. Not like I used to, anyway. "You totally should." "You sure?" I leaned over and kissed her. "Yes, I'm sure." I paused. "But you better call me right after." She stared at me. "Duh. I should totally call her now. Hey Becca, guess where I am?" We both laughed out loud. Becca The party was 1920s Prohibition themed. The reason was the latest Boardwalk Empire/Godfather rip off. Although, at least this one had an interesting concept. An agent with the Bureau of Investigation - apparently, the FBI before the FBI or something like that - has to go undercover as a chorus girl. Since there were no female agents, it was a guy. "So what do you think?" "Huh, what?" Casey and Cleo had been talking, while I'd been watching the dancing girls setting up. Casey rolled her eyes, she'd gone for the full Flapper look, feather in the hair and everything. "About a trans woman being played by a cis man?" "I don't necessarily mind. Let the best person play the role," I shrugged my shoulders. Cleo looked horrified. Ze had gone for a full Weimar Republic look, dressed in a tailored men's dinner jacket with slick backed hair. I was a coward and came as a woman golfer, with the plus fours and everything. Ze looked at me. "It's just another case of trans people being written out of our own stories." Again, I shrugged. First off, I thought it was amazing that a trans themed production would get such a big budget. Second, I wasn't sure if it was really trans themed anyway, what with being about an undercover agent and everything. So, I went with, "I mean, this is a big budget kind of deal. You need a name to topline it." Cleo looked pissed and so I stepped in it some more with, "I mean it's not perfect, but it's not Ace Ventura either." And off ze went, listing all the different anti-trans themes in 90s movies. I went back to watching the girls get ready on the stage. "Anyway, everyone happy with champagne?" Cleo asked us both. I nodded, indicating that I was. Ze headed off in the direction of the bar. Casey leaned across to me and looked into my eyes. "Sooo, who is she? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like her...but what is with you two?" She looked away, suddenly interested in two waiters wheeling out what looked like a tiered cake. "Um, ze's a friend. A new friend like you," I said to the back of her head. I wondered why she wouldn't look back. I figured they'd hit it off. "That's all. And ze prefers gender neutral pronouns, I think." She turned around and gave me a tight smile. I was about to try and explain myself, when Cleo returned carrying a bottle and three glasses on a silver tray. "The barman says it's all free anyway." Ze sat between Casey and me and started pouring. "He's said it's going to get busy, so we might as well get ours in now." We clinked glasses and Casey's smile returned. The room filled up quickly, with most of the women in flapper dresses and the like. The guys all wore black tie, which I guessed worked. If I had been smart, I would have done the same. Waitstaff dressed as cigarette girls came around with trays filled with more champagne and hors d'oeuvres. Then the music kicked in. A Preservation Hall type band played Hot Sevens style versions of contemporary hits. Hey, my dad was into all that old time jazz shit... Cleo and I fell into an industry discussion, about the show's budget and who was backing it and all that. We had to lean in close to hear each other and I guess I didn't notice what Casey was up to, until she tapped me on the shoulder. "Do you mind if I dance with this guy?" She had a look in her eyes. I shrugged and she went off. I watched her for a while. The tassels of her dress twirling as she danced. She'd never told me she could dance. I was all left feet. I had gone to ballet lessons when I was a little kid. According to my mom, she wasn't sure who would break first - me or the teacher. Either way, I ended up in soccer. Champagne always hits me harder than it should. Maybe it's the bubbles or something, but it goes to my head. Cleo leaned in to me. "I've got cigars. You interested?" Ze cocked her head towards the terrace. The party was at a SoHo house type of place, one of those private clubs with a rooftop garden and pool. I looked back and saw Casey holding her own with the dancers. She hadn't looked back once. "Sure, why not?" Spring was turning to summer. Or, more appropriately, April 12 had come and gone. We stood near the railing, as far away from everyone, even the people vaping. "Jesus." I started coughing. Cleo laughed. "I'm guessing you've never had a cigar before. Hold It in your mouth, don't try and suck it down like you would with a joint." We stood there for a while. It was dusk and you could see the lights turning on across the city. "Great view." We stood in silence. "So, you and Casey?" "Me and Casey what?" I looked at zir and ze rolled zir eyes. I had to keep reminding myself about 'ze' and 'zir.' "She fancies you. You must know that." "No, she doesn't," I said, rolling my eyes. "She says she wants to be friends..." Ze laughed. "Because a friend would let you drag her to an industry party..." I looked towards the room. "Come on, she's totally into this. You saw her..." Cleo turned and leaned back on the railing. "True," ze said, in a forced casual edge. "So you're not interested?" "Um, I mean, I've been seeing this, uh, guy..." I hadn't told anyone about Bobbie. Ze smiled and raised an eyebrow. "A guy?" "He uses male pronouns but, uh, he's into," and my voice went quiet, "dressing up..." "Like tonight dressing up?" Zir voice was searching. I smiled. "Yeah that, but there's more to it, like fantasies..." Cleo laughed, then tapped the ash off her cigar. "And you're into that?" I sucked on my cigar again. The smoke burned my lungs but I needed to think. "I dunno. It's more like he likes me on top and likes women's clothes... I don't think it's more than that." We'd been dating, or whatever it was we were doing, for nearly six weeks. Ze rolled zir eyes. "You don't think? How do you not know? You've never looked around his flat while he's in the shower?" 'Flat' reminded me of Allie. I took another long drag on the cigar and started coughing again. "I've never been to his place..." "Wow," was all ze said. Before ze could say anything else, we were interrupted by a middle aged guy who wanted a light. "My wife loves these things," he shrugged. "To be honest, they just make me tired. Part of being a new dad I suppose." He was middle aged, handsome but tired looking. He then spent five minutes showing us pictures of his kid while he finished smoking his cigarette. Cleo seemed interested but it bored me. Back in the ballroom the place had filled up. I had to stand on tip toes to scan the room. Someone grabbed me from behind. "Hey!" I relaxed when I saw it was Casey. "Where did you two run off to?" I smiled. "We just went out for a cigar. Go old school." I almost told her about Cleo's theory about the two of us. But it was too noisy, I'd tell her another time. It'd make her laugh. "You wanna dance?" She took my hand and pulled gently. "Um, I kind of suck at it..." Like I said, two left feet. Both belonging to deeply uncoordinated people. Allie used to say that I had my own rhythm. "Come on," she pulled harder, "I'll do all the work." So I let her lead me out onto the dance floor. I looked back and saw Cleo leaning uneasily against the bar. Well, if ze thought ze was uncomfortable, I bet ze'd hate being in my shoes. It wasn't that bad. All I had to do was move roughly in time with the music and let my arm go limp so she could make it look like I was pulling her this way and that. I thought I was doing pretty well until the end of the second Beyonce cover when she leaned in laughing. "Wow, you weren't lying, were you?" She touched the lapel of my jacket. "Let's go join your friend at the bar." I followed her through the crowd. Despite being smaller than me, she seemed to have a natural talent for getting people to move out of the way. As we reached the bar, I touched her arm. She turned around smiling. "I need the bathroom." I told her. She just smiled and nodded and continued towards Cleo. There was a long line outside the women's, and none for the guys. That and the fact that the combination of the champagne and the suit were making me feel confident made up my mind. Trying not to look anyone in the eyes, I ducked into the men's. I was relieved to see several stalls free. I kept me head down and headed to the nearest one. Perhaps it was the champagne and moving so quickly, but I felt slightly giddy. For a moment I almost giggled when I sat down. I was drunk enough that I didn't care about the pee on the seat. It didn't take long to do my business, but I still sat there for a while, waiting for the number of voices to die down. When it seemed as clear as it was going to get, I got up, flushed and headed out. There was one guy at the sinks. The guy from before. I picked a sink a couple down from his. He looked up at me. There was a moment of recognition when we caught each other's eyes in the mirror, then he shrugged. "Fair enough, I suppose." He muttered, then headed over to the hand dryer. Back in the main room, I spied Cleo and Casey by the bar. They seemed deep in conversation. Something was making Casey laugh. I was about to join them when my phone buzzed. It was Bobbie, he wanted to meet up. Honestly, I think he must be the last person who still used 'Netflix and chill'. Apart from sad forty somethings. Looking up I saw both of them laughing. Well, they seemed to be having a good time. I texted Bobbie to meet me at my apartment. Then I texted them to say something had come up in work and that I had to go. I saw Casey reach into her handbag and pull out her phone. But then, she leaned into the bar and I couldn't see her expression. ---------------- "You wanted to see me, Louise?" I was supposed to head down to Philadelphia, to discuss incentives with the governor's film office, but then Louise asked me to come in beforehand. "I brought in the PowerPoint, in case you wanted to review it one more time." This would make it four. It didn't seem that difficult. The state wanted more productions to film there. We wanted tax breaks. I had prepared a presentation showing how much we'd generate in exchange, blah blah blah. I had gone over everything with my father before showing Louise. I was just happy that I didn't have to go to Harrisburg. From everything I heard, it was a dump in the middle of nowhere. She smiled. "The PowerPoint is great, perfect, Bec. That's not why I brought you in." I played with my watch, turning it over so it was on the underside, then turning it back. Then, lather rinse repeat. "Um..." I hated when she did this. She'd call you in and then make you wonder why you were there. She smiled, a lupine grin. "Don't worry, Bec. There's nothing to worry about it." I wasn't worried until now, thanks. "You're doing a phenomenal job." "Thanks," I said confidently. I was. My productions were coming in under budget. And I could speak to the creatives. "So what's up?" "How would you feel spending two weeks in Minnesota?" I joked. "Well, depending on the time of year, I wouldn't feel anything. Because of the cold." She laughed a little. "Seriously, though, when do you want me to go?" She looked me up and down. "Don't you want to know why?" I should probably know that. "I assumed that came after I answered. That you weren't going to parachute me into the Iron Range," I had learned about it for a report on Bob Dylan for a music class, "with just my wits, my phone and my Amex. So why am I going?" She picked up some papers. "The numbers on Danelaw are coming in high." The movie was in pre-production. They had decided to film it there, rather than England, so it would appeal to a larger audience. I had spent a good hour on the phone with Kelly and Fiona, her wife, explaining how it wouldn't change the novel and eventually they agreed. Or we came to an impasse. "I need you to see what they're doing and crack down. You can do that." "Of course," I said. "I've got the meeting this afternoon. I'll book a flight for the morning." To be honest, I was happy to get away from New York. I needed a break. I had been wanting to go to a beach somewhere, but then work kept getting in the way and I didn't have anyone to go with. I had asked Casey and she said something about school breaks. And Cleo was back in England. "Perfect. I'll have Cara email you the reports. You can read them on the way back today. And, Bec, I know I can count on you." I smiled and nodded. "I'll let you know how it goes today. Let me go catch the Acela." I caught a cab to Penn Station. Hoping to work on the way. I checked in for the train and sat down in my seat, taking out my laptop and charger and putting them on the table. A woman sat down next to me. She was about 5'7", with red hair and blue-green eyes. I could tell she was looking me up and down. I was wearing a gray suit and white button down shirt. I ran my hand over my head, conscious her eyes had rested there. I had been keeping it short, liking it better that way. My mother didn't and never missed an opportunity to point that out to me. I looked at the woman and smiled, holding up my phone. "I'll try to be quiet." She pulled out her earbuds. "It's fine. I planned on listening to my audiobook." "Oh, what are you listening to?" I didn't care. I don't know why I asked. "Mars Room. By Rachel Kushner," she said, sighing audibly. I went to say that Casey was reading it, but decided against it. She wasn't interested and neither was I. "Oh. I've heard it's good." I held up my water bottle. "Enjoy." It was a classic governmental meeting. Lots of representatives from different agencies, all of them angling for their piece of the pie. The union reps trying to make sure that we ran a union shop. The so-called community leaders making sure we had a set that 'represented all parts of our glorious city.' I told him that we believed in inclusion riders, and I truly did. I wanted women and African-Americans and everyone else on set. I just hated hearing guys like this pretend that they weren't as power hungry as everyone else. The finance guys gave me a package of the incentives that they could offer. They weren't great and I told them that. That I could go to Cleveland or Indianapolis, if I needed a city, or any number of New England towns, if I needed a Colonial look. They told me to expect a revised package and I mentally pumped my fist. I took the train and went back to my apartment. After I checked the weather in Minnesota (low 50s), I started packing. Mostly suits for during the day and jeans for at night. I landed and was met at the gate by a woman, really a girl, holding a sign that read, 'Scott.' She was about 5'6", 115 lbs, with blonde hair and blue eyes. She couldn't be more Minnesota unless she had a hockey stick and was wearing Viking horns. "Hi," she said cheerfully then, looking me up and down, "Are you...uh...?" I looked at her and offered, "Bec...Scott. Just call me Bec." She smiled, a perfect white smile. "I'm McKenna. McKenna Larson. I'm a junior at Carleton and I'm interning on the movie." She looked exactly like how Kelly described the dead au pair and her sister. "I hope you're not here to shut us down." I smiled. "I'm just...checking up." I picked up my bag and threw it over my shoulder. "Well, that's good. I am so excited to be working on this. My mom and I both devoured the book last summer." I smiled. "I'll let Kelly know." She looked at me and smiled that smile again. "Kelly? Kelly Cooper?" I nodded. "That is so cool. My mom will be so impressed." "Just her?" I laughed. She blushed. "I'm kidding, McKenna." She kept smiling and said, "I know. Ok, so I'm parked over here." We walked over to a blue Honda, with a Twins sticker. "Here we go," and she popped the trunk. I saw tire chains and laughed. She looked at me, confused. "Is there something funny?" "No, sorry. My dad is from Detroit and made us all learn how to do it, even though it doesn't snow where I'm from." She smiled and her eyes flicked up and down. "Which is where?" Suddenly, I felt a little nervous. "Uh...Seattle," I said as I put my bag in. She popped the door locks and we got in. "Are you not sure, Bec?" I pulled on my seat belt and felt red. "I am. Mercer Island, to be exact." I looked in her eyes and saw no recognition. "The suburbs. What about you, Ms. Larson? Where are you from?" "Wayzata. Western suburbs of Minneapolis." She smiled. "See, it's not hard at all. I'm kidding, Bec." I needed to regain composure. "So, besides picking people up, what do they have you doing?" "Everything really. Mostly being a gofer. I hope, once the shooting starts, I can be a P.A." Her eyes never left the road, but I could feel her looking at me. "Maybe then, my father won't think this is ridiculous." I laughed, thinking of my own father. We drove the hour or so to Sauk Centre, where they were scouting locations. I looked around. We were in the middle of nowhere. How could there be cost overruns in the middle of nowhere? -- Allie "I'm supposed to get in that?" I looked over at the giant playpen. I hadn't wanted to take the role. I'd never even heard of the Miss Peach comic strip and the script was shite. But Monica had said it was the main cast of a Netflix series and I needed to build my profile. "This is what they," and he nodded to a group of three guys, the producers, "want. And they," and he nodded to the three girls already inside, "don't seem to mind." Each was wearing a dress, a sort of stylised version of what a preschool girl would wear. "They don't look happy." I crossed my arms. My own dress was powder blue, on its own it was fine. A bit girlier than I was happy with but still, so long as it suited my character. A sweet girl with something to hide. I'd worried that I'd get typecast as the trans character, but Twitter went crazy for the idea. "Look, sweetie, I honestly don't care. Hell, I agree with you. This is all a pile of horsehit, if you ask me. But, it is a paying pile of horseshit. If you don't like it, speak to your agent." He shooed me through the bars. "Hey," One of the girls smiled at me. It took me a while to realise who it was. "Katie!" We hugged. "I haven't seen you in forever. Since that last EnHerGy gig. Have you been actualising your reality?" The other two girls, a blonde and a brunette, looked at us funny. Katie smiled wryly. "Realizing my actuality.." Then she turned serious. "How have you been? I apologize. I should have called or...something." "That's alright." I shifted from one foot to the other. It felt odd knowing she knew. The photographer's assistant asked us all to look in his direction. As we turned Katie whispered to me. "Look at us, black girl and trans girl." "What do you call that?" I asked, not quite sure what she was getting at. "I don't call it anything. They call it woke." The shoot continued for a while. The concept of the show was what had happened to the kids after they grew up with 'Miss Peach,' referenced in flashbacks, and some allusion to a dark secret. Something, something, millennials, something, something, the issues shaping the new generation. "OK, done." The photographer called out. He was at the top of a tall ladder, looking down at us so as to create the perspective of a parent looking down at their kids. By this stage, I was holding an oversized teddy bear and Katie a bunny. Thankfully, the photographer was more interested in the other two. He'd had the blonde sucking her thumb. "Thank god that's over!" I hissed at Katie. Katie sighed and nodded towards a table and white screen on the other side of the studio. "Not quite. We've got fruit for dessert." Peaches. Wow. "Come on," encouraged the photographer, "let it drip down your chin." I felt like a complete idiot. I had to fight every instinct I had not to wipe it off. "Yeah, yeah. That's good." Every now and then, a girl would come up from the side and spray my face with water making me wince. The first few times caught me by surprise. The third time I pulled a funny face, and was blinded by the flash. The photographer got up and looked at a couple of guys in suits. "I think that's the one." He beckoned the two guys over and they started looking at a laptop. Their faces illuminated by the glow. They talked for some time while I stood there feeling like an idiot. After a few seconds, they seemed to have decided on something. The photographer looked back at me. "We want to take a few more like that. Look at me and make a face." Given how I felt that wasn't too hard. I started by sticking my tongue out. "Great, great. Give me more." I went through every face I could think of at least twice. After about half an hour, he told me to go sit with the others. "They kept you for a long time." The blonde crossed her arms. I just shrugged and went to sit next to Katie. "Having fun?" She asked. I just rolled my eyes. The brunette girl was up next. All I knew about her character was that she was supposed to be the all-American girl next door. Whatever either of those two things were supposed to mean. Apparently, she was supposed to be harbouring a dark secret. It must have taken them the best part of ten minutes to think that one up. The day dragged and dragged. Katie and I were absentmindedly playing cards when a guy walked up. I'd seen him around the photographer a few times. "My names Marty. They want me to get a few behind the scenes shots." He tapped the side of his camera. "You two want to take a walk?" Marty was tall-ish, with bags under his eyes. I'd heard the crew had been here since very early. I had to remind myself of that when I felt the anger build. "I thought we'd do a few shots around the high school set." "Sure," Katie's head bobbed up and down. She bit her lip slightly. He gave us a tired smile. "At least I got you two." His voice went into a whisper. "I hear Cindy and Arlene are both nightmares to work with." I shrugged and stuffed my hands back in my pockets. It felt good to be back in my jeans and out of the studio. As we walked across the lot, I closed my eyes and felt the wind against my face. Katie kept asking Marty questions. "So who have you photographed?" "Oh, loads. I was on season two of Stranger Things." I opened my eyes to see the impressed look on Katie's face. "But I'm only a lowly second unit photographer. Mostly I take the boring stuff he doesn't want to do." He must have noticed the hurt look on Katie's face. "Oh, shit. I don't mean it like that. I get the most interesting assignments and people," Katie looked down at her feet, "it's just that he likes the glamour stuff. The big stars and the wannabe big stars." The high school set was made up of several interchangeable walls that could be moved to create a corridor or class room. Plus standalone gym and locker room sets. We started in the classroom. Katie and I looking bored at our desks. Marty wanted to break the fourth wall a little so I went around the side and pulled funny faces through the window while Katie tried to look serious. Afterwards, Marty showed us the one where Katie finally broke down. She was laughing while in the window I had my tongue stuck out and my eyes crossed. It was my favourite of the day and Marty promised to email us both a copy, cleverly getting Katie to give him her email. Next we went to the locker room. "One of you want to get in?" He pointed to one of the oversized lockers. I shook my head, I always been a tiny bit claustrophobic. "Come on, you'll be great." I was surprised it was Katie trying to convince me. I looked at her and she subtly nodded towards Marty. Ah, I thought. She wants a moment with him. Sisters before misters, Chloe always said. "All-bloody-right." Marty helped me up into the metal box. "Don't shut the door!" I protested. But they weren't listening. Katie had gone to help him set up his tripod. I was left there for a few minutes, watching them. Katie stood a little too close to him, but he didn't seem to mind. "OK," said Marty returning. "Let's do a couple of shots without the door, then a few with it closed, through the slots." He must have seen the panic crossing my face. "Don't worry," he smiled gently, "you won't have to close the door fully, and you can keep a hold all the time." I nodded slowly, biting my bottom lip. The first few shots were OK. I dissipated my real panic buy mimicking cartoon panic, pressing my hands and arms against the sides like they were coming in on me. Then came the door closing. Good to his word, he didn't make me close it fully. "Be quick," I held onto the inside of the door for dear life. Afterwards, we walked slowly back to the main studio. Marty was showing Katie the photos on the little screen of his camera. I was trying to breathe slowly, enjoying the sweet fresh air and freedom. "These are great." Katie looked at me. "The one through the slots of the locker door really has something." Yup, I thought. Terror. Becca The middle of nowhere is huge, really huge. It felt like forever since I had lived in New York and, even back home, you could walk around Seattle. Not from end to end, but enough to get whatever you wanted. As we drove in, I thought how if I had to live here, I'd shoot myself. They put me up in a motel, just off the main drag. I saw less cars in a day than I saw looking for parking on alternate side days in New York. The view outside my window was like something out of Fargo or South Park. The harsh winter sun made my eyes itch. My dinner options were limited. I walked through a fence in the back of a parking lot and found a bar with food. Hamburger, fries and beer. Not the best but not the worst and, after all of the travel, I needed it. I was finishing up when the head of production out here came up, McKenna by his side. "Hi," he reached out his hand. His plaid shirt was a similar colour to mine. "Hi." I got up. "You went for the hamburger, huh?" Shame he wasn't the screenwriter. He had a real eye for detail. "How was it?" I laughed. "I've been in a car, train or plane for like the past day. It's...fine, if you're hungry." I pointed to the other side of the table and he sat. He looked grateful as we sat and I could almost smell his nerves. I signalled to my waitress and ordered a pitcher of beer. "So, I thought we could get to know each other before we get down to business tomorrow." He was a young man, probably only a few years older than me. Still, I could see the beginnings of his hairline receding. "That sounds great. Joel isn't it?" Of course I knew it was. "And good to see you again McKenna." She smiled at me, then looked down at the table. The waitress returned with our pitcher and two more glasses. "You guys want food? Burgers good? Two more, please." After we'd eaten, Joel seemed to relax a little. "So, McKenna tells me you've met the author." I thought of Kelly, her long neck. How her clothes smelled of a fabric softener I didn't think we had over here. "Yeah, in London first time, then I was given the job of showing her around New York." "What's she like," I looked at McKenna, who was shifting in her seat. "Urm, my mom would want to know..." She turned bright red. She blushed easily. I sat back in my chair, enjoying being the one with the special knowledge. Both Joel and McKenna had leaned forward slightly to hear me better. "She's nice," the way her skirt moved up her thigh when she sat down, "very clever, but modest." The way her hand would stretch out towards mine when she was making a point. "And she's happy about the change in direction?" Joel's eyes looked watery. My soft focus image of Kelly disappeared. "She's fine," I said too quickly, "It's difficult, of course, but she understands that the film is a separate entity. Its own work of art." The emails had gotten longer with her. More detailed, reasonable tone but with very specific points. Louise and I had a meeting before I left on how best to handle her. Joel seemed happy with this and nodded. I already knew who he was. Quiet, earnest. Wants to be a creative and thinks the way to do that is to work your way up. I had him figured. "Up for a game of pool?" I wasn't. I was tired, but I didn't want to look like a wuss. "Sure, just one." We were on our second game when he finally got around to asking the question I knew he wanted to ask. "So, what do you think our chances are?" I'd already read through the books and could see he was running a tight ship. And I wanted the production to stay here because I knew I could persuade Louise to put me in charge of it. Still, if this was to become my baby then I needed it to look like I'd come in a saved the thing. I gave an exaggerated sigh. A part of me felt a thrill seeing how closely McKenna was watching me. "Look, I'm on your side. But..." I let it hang there. "The director is difficult. He wants something very specific. If I can find that here, and that's a very big if, I might be able to save this for you." Joel fluffed his next shot. I got two balls in one. They were both silent. "Look, location is the big thing. If I can borrow McKenna tomorrow, go over where you've found..." "I can drive you..." Damn, that earnestness. "No, I want to make my own mind up. See things how the director will see them." "But I sent the photos. Filmed shots even..." "I know, I know." I slapped him on the shoulder. "You've done great. But nothing beats the personal touch." McKenna was waiting in for me in the foyer when I came down. "Sleep well?" She smiled nervously, pushing her hair behind her ears. "Great, thanks. Where to first?" "The high school," she took out her phone and stood close to me while she took me through the route she'd planned. I could feel her arm brushing against mine. "That all sounds great," I said when she'd finished, "but first I need coffee and something to eat." I looked around the lobby, hoping that a breakfast, even one of those shitty buffets with cereal and steam table eggs, would appear. We stopped off in a drive through Tim Hortons. In the cold weather, my teeth jangled slightly as I ate the frosted sugar. The school was as it had looked in the pictures. "I talked to the principal, she says we can look around, we'll just need to sign in at the reception." She was a little breathless from the cold air. The reception area had a trophy case proudly displayed in the middle. I glanced in seeing that they were mostly hockey trophies, with a couple of picture of basketball and wrestling. 'State Champions 2011, Under 16," was the last achievement I could see. I drummed my fingers on the counter as the receptionist printed out two name badges for us both. "Mrs. Williams will see you soon," said the middle aged woman. When she looked away, McKenna rolled her eyes and I smiled, sharing the private joke. We sat on the plastic chairs and waited. Mrs. Williams led us to an office. She was a large, round woman who smiled broadly but her little eyes were always darting around the room. When she did look at me, I got the sense she was worried by something. "So, you want to film in Sauk Centre..." She looked at McKenna and me. I did my best to get over that feeling of being in the principal's office. "If the incentives are right." "In other words, if they shift enough of my budget, the ambulance corps budget, to you, you'll film here." I looked around her office. It was neat. A few family pictures. A teddy bear with a logo I couldn't read. "If we film here, the revenues we bring in will more than pay for the incentives." She looked at me, and I could see McKenna sweating. We needed to work on that. "That's what they say. The Babbitts in town." She looked at me. "Do you know what I'm even talking about?" McKenna smiled. "Of course, we do. Everyone knows Sinclair Lewis is from here." Something clicked in my head, something from undergrad. A book, a satire about small town boosters. "I would be proud too if I had a Nobel Prize winner from my hometown." Mrs. Williams looked at us. "But, this isn't a Babbitt thing. I can show you studies proving the benefits..." Mrs. Williams gave an eye roll, then took a sip of her coffee. "Studies say what people want them to...but it's not like I have a vote. That and maybe the kids will get a chance to see everything a movie involves. Think beyond what's on screen." Then, she smiled. "But I'll need something from you. Come, let me give you the grand tour." I couldn't believe this place. If we needed flashbacks to the 1970s, this was the place. I mean, I went to private school so I didn't expect that. But Allie had shown me pictures of her school and it had smart boards and glass walls and video projectors. This place had actual chalkboards. I couldn't look weak in front of McKenna. "So, what do you want?" I said, as we sat back down in her office. Mrs. Williams studied my face for a while, but I kept still and returned her gaze. After a few minutes, she pushed a slim folder across the desk. "Up until about ten years ago, this school had a good girl's basketball team. Then came the crash, and cutbacks on 'non essential' programs." McKenna started to say something about Title IX and I raised my hand slightly. I studied the folder. Funding for uniforms and a travel budget. More basketballs. Maybe some funding for a part-time coach. I smiled to myself. We could easily put in in the marketing budget and use it as P.R. besides. I looked at her. "I'm not the final authority. But, if you're willing to help us with shooting schedules, I think I'll be able to get you this." McKenna took me around the school. Silently I ticked off all the sites we needed. This place had it all. McKenna always led, I followed behind watching her. We met up with Joel back at the motel. He seemed eager to know what I thought. "It's amazing," his head bobbed up and down eagerly, "I took a look at the architect's designs down at city hall. Some of those features haven't changed since the 50s....which creates its own headaches for equipment. God only knows if the wiring can handle it. Anyway, how did it go with Mrs. Williams?" "Great. She'll give us permission for a small donation towards their sports teams. Something we can easily write off as publicity." I was sure hockey was well funded though. "You want this done, right?" He looked at me, sighed and said yes. "Good. Me too. I can't imagine explaining this to Kelly." McKenna smiled. He rolled his eyes. "But we all need to do our jobs. If we all do what we do best, we will get this done. When can I meet the rest of the pre-production staff?" Allie The sun was only just rising when Katie picked me up from outside Jacob's building. After months of rehearsals, we were driving up to some place in New England where the series was being shot. "Hey." Katie smiled thinly at me, I could see the sleep in her eyes. "I got coffee." I passed her the paper cup. By the time we reached the suburbs, we could see the beginning of the early morning traffic heading the other way. On its own, it was enough to make me relax. Funny how you grow not to notice the day to day stress of living in a big city, the noise, the crowds, the pollution, until you get out. The GPS on Katie's phone said there was an accident on the main road and rerouted us. We headed up the Saw Mill, past where Tom's parents lived. It seemed like yesterday and a lifetime ago. I closed my eyes, seeing the red glow underneath my eyelids. "Hey," I felt a hand whack my arm, "you're supposed to be keeping me awake, remember?" "S-sorry." I forced myself up in my seat. After that I kept myself busy choosing the music and chatting about the rest of the cast. Around midday, we stopped off in some small town somewhere in Connecticut. It felt good to be out of the car and able to stretch. "So, why are they making us go this far?" I bent over stretching my arms out. I could feel my muscles groaning. Since I started my treatments, my muscle tone, not much to start, was going. "Small town America, that type of shit. It's supposed to be magical." "I suppose it is quaint. Gilmore Girls, that kind of thing." I looked over at the little diner and petrol station. "You want to get something to eat?" Katie was looking in the same direction. "With the traffic problems, we really don't have ..." "Just a couple of sandwiches, to go." I pleaded. "And what about that diet they have you on." She glanced sideways at me. "Fine! Whatever!" I mock pouted at her. "Well, I suppose we could get supplies. Healthy ones." She laughed at what I assumed must have been the expression on my face. The petrol station had a little shop. While Katie paid, I absentmindedly walked around the aisle, glad just to be moving my limbs. I was perusing the fishing equipment when I realised I was being watched. I looked up and caught two girls looking. The first I would guess was about fifteen, with hair dyed green. Next to her was what I assumed was her younger sister. Probably around twelve, I'd guess. For a moment, I locked eyes with the older sister. Damn, she came over. "Hey, aren't you Jacob Foster's girlfriend?" For a second, she stared at me before realising what she was doing and adopting a more casual pose. Her younger sister didn't seem to get the message, she just stared. "Er, yeah, that's me." I shrugged, trying not to sound defensive. "What's he like?" the younger sister blurted out. "He's cool," I leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, "he leaves his used underpants on the bathroom floor though." "Ew!" they both exclaimed. I had to laugh. "We think it's cool that you're both... you know..." she turned bright red. "It's really brave of both of you to be so open. I have a friend who's like you two, it means so much to her." "Er, thanks." It was a pretty nice thing for her to say. "I appreciate that." We all smiled like idiots. After an awkward minute, the older one spoke, "Could we get a selfie?" Her younger sister started hopping from one foot to another. Part of me wanted to say no. That this was my private life, and that I'd been up since four and must have looked terrible. But, they were very sweet. And I remembered the PR training Monica had sent me to. A couple of upset teenagers in the back end of nowhere could easily turn into a social media shit storm. "Sure." I hoped my smile hid my tired eyes. "I must look awful though." They didn't say anything, just got in position. I spotted Katie waiting by the door. "Hey, let's get my friend Katie in as well. She's a great actress. We're starting a new Netflix series, Peach." Both girls smiled. Katie looked daggers at me but came over. We took the picture quickly and the older girl gave me her Twitter handle, "@CharleeSometimes." "Nice reference." I smiled, then they went over to their parents and we left. Once we were back on the road, I checked Twitter. Charlee's tweet already had been re-tweeted ten times. I gave it a heart and a re- tweet. Seconds later, I got a friend request from Charlee, which I returned. "You're smiling." Katie grinned at me. "They were nice. It's good to know that there are nice people out there." Even if they were really Jacob's fans not mine. An hour later and we were in the proper country. The mountains and trees I'd always associated with the region. We'd both gone quiet as we watched the countryside go by. It was almost half an hour later before I checked Twitter again. Charlee's tweet had been shared and commented on nearly twenty thousand times. I made the mistake of looking. The first comments were clearly from Charlee's friends. Most along the line of how lucky I was and how cute Jacob is. Well, that put me in my place. Then there was one message, from @MSMLies, that just said 'freak', that's where it started. "You OK? You've gone pale... Paler." Katie looked at me. "Urgh, now the trolls are out." I scrolled down further, unable to look away from my screen. "Listen to this, 'if any MAN wants to have his dick cut off I'd be happy to help', from @StrongFeminist." "Stop now. Don't read those." Katie sounded concerned, but there was no way I could turn away. It was like driving past a crash on the motorway. My hand flew up to my mouth. I could deal with the ones about me. I was used to those. "This sick fuck is saying he wants to 'do the green haired bitch, not the dyke with the dick'," I looked over at Katie, "this is absolutely fucking disgusting. She what? Fifteen, maybe sixteen? A fucking child." "It's not your fault. People say the most fucked-up shit online. You should just leave it." But I was already typing a PM. "I'm just going to let her know I hate this, and that I hope she is OK." It was getting near the end of the working day and there was just a little traffic as we reached the outskirts of the little New Hampshire town we were shooting in. I looked down at my phone, as I had been compulsively doing since I'd sent the message. There was still no reply, but there had been a change. Charlee's account had been suspended. I didn't say anything, I just turned and hoped she thought I was just looking out of the window.