Clare s First ShootChapter 1
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Penny stared at the swollen, red, crying eyes of her son as he sat
beside her and she realised what she must do.This realisation wasn't
sudden at all. It didn't hit Penny like a thunderbolt. But certainly,
over the last few months, it had started to become obvious to her that
this is what had to be done. She was now certain this was the right
thing to do. The alternative, doing nothing, was not going to sort
things out. Positive action had to be taken.
Her son, sitting beside her, had just been telling her of a programme he
had seen on television and his pain was impossible for her to bear. It
was time for positive action. In retrospect, that it should have taken
her till now to reach this decision, was surprising. Should she have
decided to act sooner? After all, she had been living with, and
watching, the evidence for nine years, and yet in that time she had
either subconsciously, or deliberately, blocked reaching this
conclusion. There was no one thing, no conclusive happening, that had
finally made up her mind, but this conversation was heartbreaking, and
it was now clear and undeniable what needed to be done. Why had she not
realised that this was a path that HAD to be taken, long ago? Had she
been in denial? And now she was racked by guilt. Had she failed her son
by not totally accepting and embracing his true personality?
Then she told herself that perhaps she was being too hard on herself,
that most mothers would have handled things in exactly the same way she
had done. After all, she had done plenty of internet fact finding and
had read of other mothers that had coped with a similar scenario, and
many had suggested that it was just a phase. Something they had
struggled with while bringing up their sons, but it had passed. These
boys were now sports playing, girl dating, teens or adults. And this is
what she had clung to. Of course there were other interpretations of the
problem, but she chose to hope it was "just a phase". Problem was, this
phase was, as of now, young Zach's entire life. But her "realisation"
meant accepting that it was NOT a phase.
Of course, she had always realised she had a FEMININE son. In fact, over
the years she had grown to accept that he was in almost every way
feminine. The "REALISATION" was that her "son" was, in mind and soul, a
GIRL. One hundred per cent. As much a girl and with the same feminine
wants and desires of any eleven year old girl. In fact, as feminine and
girly as she had been at the exact same age. The "REALISATION" was that
she was going to have to act positively on this and help him become the
person he was always meant to be. It was no longer an option to let the
situation drift aimlessly, leaving Zach a very unhappy boy. She now
knew, and perhaps has always known, that continuing to hope that Zach
was going to wake up one morning and suddenly be the boy that he needed
to be to solve all his future social problems was never going to happen.
It was not possible for him to change. She was going to have to help him
become Becky, his self appointed girl name.
Penny had become a single parent early in her marriage when Mike, her
husband, had fled, unable to cope with the responsibility of fatherhood.
He had never really bonded with young Zach, and when the early signs of
his sons "sissyness" as he called it, began appearing, it was his excuse
to depart the marriage. In truth, Penny had not been too upset to see
him go, as although she obviously once loved him, his refusal to adapt
to married life and more importantly become a father to his own son, had
worn away at her love and by the time he left she was certain that she
and Zach would do better on their own. She was still close to her
parents, and with their help, and at the age of thirty five, she was
sure that she would cope. Penny would take care of Zach from noon till
mid evening when she would take Zach to his grandparents and then begin
a shift at the local 24 hour supermarket. She worked till 4am then
headed back to her parents where she slept till around eleven before
heading home with Zach. Her mother was a fulltime housewife and enjoyed
putting Zach to bed and then spending a few hours with him in the
morning till Penny was rested and ready for home.
Even from before his second birthday, it was obvious that Zach's playing
revolved more around his figure toys be they male or female than the
"thing" toys. Cars, trucks, plastic tools etc. lay generally untouched
while he played games and made up stories with his figures. But he was a
bright and seemingly happy child, learned things quickly and Penny was
not the least bit concerned. The first little worry began to emerge when
she took two and a half year old Zach to a local playgroup. It was his
first real experience of interacting with other children of around the
same age and it was immediately obvious that he was always playing in a
group of girls and playing with their toys. The playgroup leaders and
attending parents tried to make activities non gender related but,
children being children, tended to separate into groups of friends, and
Zach was almost always found with the girls. And he played exactly like
them, seemingly perfectly at home in their company.
Although not previously too concerned, Penny had hoped that the
playgroup experience would bring out the "boy" in Zach, but instead it
had seemed to reinforce his "girl" personality and give him more scope
to express it. For the first time since his father had left the
marriage, Penny began to feel concern for Zach. She thought they were
getting on just fine, but now she began to worry that the lack of an
immediate male figure in Zach's life might be the reason behind his
girlish behaviour. She felt guilty as a mother and a parent for not
providing Zach with this father figure that most other boys enjoyed. But
she was rational enough to understand that you cannot make a good father
out of a reluctant father and it was not her fault that Zach's dad
wasn't able to provide the male influence in their family.
But the guilt remained. She knew that Zach had already begun exhibiting
his feminine side even when his dad was still around, but she wondered
what might have happened if his father had remained. Would his "phase"
have passed quickly? The only other person Penny could discuss her
concerns with was her mother. She too was a little bewildered by her
young grandson's behaviour but she was a free thinker and thought that
Zach's happiness was the first priority and believed that he should be
allowed to express himself in his own way and that with a loving mother
around "What will be will be". She told her daughter that she could only
supply love and support and that Zach would develop in the way he was
meant to. And this is what she had decided to do. She could not be sure,
but slowly, deep down she began to come to the conclusion that having no
father in his life was NOT the cause of Zach's girlishness. It was just
his way!
Soon he began to bring the influences of the playgroup into the home and
he began to make demands of his mother. He wanted to have more of the
distinctly girl toys that were available at the group and would
tearfully ask his mother why he could not have them. After much personal
debate, Penny had relented and had found herself, somewhat unbelievably,
in her stores toy aisle buying a Barbie doll and some other bits and
pieces for her son. She would watch with a mix of amazement and concern
as the young Zach played with his new toys. Another Barbie, some more
clothes and accessories were added and soon Zach had a collection of his
own "girl" toys. Before becoming Zach's mum, gender was something Penny
gave little thought to. You were male or female. It was as simple as
that.
Of course she had heard of and read about transsexuals or transgendered
people, but until Zach, she hadn't thought about or realised the
fundamental impact it has on a life when it was being led in a gender
that was not right for the person who was living it. But now she was
experiencing first hand how gender confusion impacted on a life. Was
Zach really a girl inside or just a confused little boy with a fertile
imagination? Would he be gay? She had no idea what the future held for
Zach and her mind was in a constant battle between the evidence of her
own eyes and the hope that this was a phase that Zach would pass through
and would emerge from to live a normal "male" life. On the one hand she
wanted Zach to have the freedom to be and act as he really was, and on
the other hand she hoped that it was "a phase" because his life would
certainly be more complicated if it was not. She tried to imagine all
the hurdles that would face Zach if he was gay or transgendered. Many of
the things that mothers would naturally wish for their sons would
probably come to pass. Marriage and parenthood were unlikely, and Penny
felt guilty that this would mean she would also miss out on the things
she would expect her son to achieve.
Then, when he three years old, he began expressing things that he liked
about his girlfriends at the playgroup. One afternoon after a playgroup
session he told his Mum how much he liked the dress that his friend
Cassie had been wearing. He said it was "lovely". The comment had sent a
new wave of concern through his mother's mind. She wondered how a small
boy would be attracted to the look and style of a girl's dress. He was
too young to appreciate that this was not normal behaviour for a boy,
and yet he had instinctively come to the conclusion that he liked this
girl's dress. What causes a young boy to feel this way?
More comments were soon forthcoming. He liked Jennifer's hair! She got
to wear it in such a pretty way! Things that should not appeal to a
young boy just seemed to naturally appeal to Zach. But Penny got her
biggest shock when Zach began to openly tell his Mum that he wished that
he was a girl and could wear the clothes his girlfriends wore and have
his hair long and done in the same way as theirs. In fact he eventually
told her he WAS a girl and should be allowed to dress and behave like
his girlfriends. Penny was now beginning to foresee future problems for
her young son if he continued to develop in this way. As he turned four,
the prospect of starting primary school loomed on the horizon and Penny
was worried that he would not be given the easy ride he had been given
in his playgroup by his peers. In his playgroup he was mannerly and well
liked, and the boys and girls either spoke to him without any
preconceptions or didn't speak to him simply because he wasn't in their
group of friends. But generally his girlyness did not cause him any
problems. The boys in primary school, however, would be that little bit
older and wiser and at that age being different in any way could be a
problem. She worried that he would be picked on and bullied and so she
decided that for his own good she would have to be tougher and make Zach
understand that he would have to act and behave like the other boys.
For the first time, she sat Zach down and tried to explain to him that
although he felt like a girl, if he went to primary school and continued
to behave as he had been doing, then some of the other boys might not
understand him. She tried to emphasise to Zach that although he liked
his dolls and girlish ways, he was a boy. Even while she was imparting
this information to Zach she somehow felt she was letting him down. Zach
may not be a typical boy, but he was everything else a mother would love
to have in a son. Kind and well mannered, it was not his fault he was as
he was, and she felt guilty that she was asking him to behave as
something he was not, just to accommodate the likely ignorance of
others. He should be allowed to be whoever and whatever he wants to be.
But this was the real world and she knew school might be a tricky place
for Zach to negotiate.
Unfortunately Zach was unable to grasp the exact nature of the problem.
Penny had eventually gotten Zach to understand that even if he felt like
a girl he was in fact born a boy and that proclaiming otherwise could
lead to problems. She insisted that even though she knew and understood
how he felt, it should remain between them. He must not tell other
people he is really a girl! She had grave doubts that she could do much
about, or influence how he behaved, but eventually she felt satisfied
that Zach would not say anything that would be jumped upon by others.
She tried to tell Zach that if he did not feel comfortable playing with,
or interacting with, any of the boys in his new school, he should try
and act neutrally and not be seen to be "one of the girls". This was a
difficult concept to impart to a shortly to be five year old and Penny
knew this would be a difficult situation for someone far more mature
than Zach to handle, let alone a five year old.. She also worried her
advice would leave Zach isolated from both genders, exposing him to a
lonely, friendless time at school. Maybe her advice was all wrong! What
should she do?
Zack's first six years in primary school did not prove as bad as Penny
feared in may have been. Yes, there had been the occasional time when
Zack had been upset when she picked him up at the end of the school day.
On one occasion there had been some physical bullying, but the school
had a very strict policy on bullying and that "issue" had been dealt
with and had not resurfaced, but "verbal" bullying was harder to police
and it was obvious from Zach's demeanour when she picked him up, that on
some days, he had been the victim of unkind words. But, on the greater
percentage of days, he was fine. What did not change, and if anything
became stronger, was his seemingly natural desire to be Becky as soon as
he was released from the enforced need to be Zach for school time. Over
the last few years Penny had tried her best to allow him some "girl "
time by continuing to buy him girl's toys and letting him occasionally
"play dress" at home and even letting his hair grow a little beyond the
length most boys would have, but she could tell it was never enough for
Zach. Now aged eleven, he was now constantly telling Penny that he was
really a girl and begging her to be allowed to dress and behave like the
girl he really was.
And so it came to "decision day". One day, Zach saw on television the
story of a young boy just slightly older than him, who seemed to feel
the exact way he felt. This boy's parents were now allowing him to live
as a girl. He had let his hair grow, now dressed fully as a girl and was
now attending school as a girl, using a new female name. Zach told his
Mum about the programme and cried as he told her that "this was him". He
had now seen that he was not the only boy to feel the way he did, but
not only that, there was a possibility to do something about it. It WAS
possible for him to live his life as Becky And so it was, that Penny
knew what had to be done!
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