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Urges And Purges free porn video
Urges and Purges
Being a crossdresser is kind of like being a ping pong ball in the gender
game. As we go through our lives in guy mode the need to crossdress can
come on like a tidal wave. Depending on our individual circumstances this
urge can be quickly and easily addressed or might have to be sublimated
indefinitely until the convergence of motivation and opportunity arrives.
I think that many of us deceive ourselves and try to deny the urge to
crossdress but despite all the intrinsic and extrinsic pressures to
pretend otherwise the reality of who we actually are comes to the
forefront. It can't not. I have come to see crossdressing not as a
conscious choice but rather an essential manifestation of something deep
within.
Perhaps the single greatest development in the last forty years that has
enabled crossdressers to pursue their varied levels of gender fluidity is
the internet. Internet shopping is a boon for crossdressing and beats the
heck out of facing inquisitive store clerks as you try to buy woman's
clothing in department stores. One time I recall simply going to the
register at a department store many years ago with a dress in my hands
only to have the clerk ask me if I wanted to try it on before buying it.
UGH! Hardly a day passes when I personally don't scroll through a variety
of female clothing sites to find that next dress, that great pair of
heels, or any number other items of feminine finery. Of course internet
shopping is not always exact; occasionally the item either doesn't fit or
perhaps is not quite as good as the picture shows. It is hit or miss, a
bit of a a gamble. Regardless, the anticipation of that next great item
builds as the wait for the delivery follows. When the item arrives the
urge to dress is unbearable; if you can't do so immediately the
anticipation is maddening. Crossdressing is as natural as breathing, that
is once you accept it.
Purging is part of crossdressing. But why? As I see it there are two
motivations: fear and denial. Fear is extrinsic whereas denial is
intrinsic. The fear piece of it stems from our paranoia about being
discovered and labeled as a crossdresser. While society has advanced
enormously as regards the acceptance of crossdressing as not being deviant
but actually being normal there is still an onus attached to it. Many
think crossdressing is clearly indicative of being homosexual, but it is
not. Some think that wearing the clothing of the opposite sex is abberrant
or deviant, but it is not. Crossdressers have a lot to overcome to be
tolerated much less accepted. We largely dress clandestinely and hide both
our stash of clothing and our desires to crossdress. Few of us want to be
"outed" and the consequences of that can be serious, particularly as far
as family and marriage is concerned. Regardless of the consequences most
of us take the risk of crossdressing; we can't not, and so we keep secrets
and hide. It's the keeping secrets and hiding that do the most damage to
us and those around us though. Living in fear of being exposed is a living
nightmare. In a perfect world everyone would be entirely up front about
crossdressing but alas we do not live in a perfect world. The fledgling
crossdresser might have only a few feminine items to both cherish and hide
whereas the veteran crossdresser will amass a wardrobe the rivals that of
a genetic woman. When you first start out in the crossdressing world
purging is easy and inexpensive. The bigger the wardrobe the harder and
more expensive it is to purge. Sometimes we purge entirely and sometimes
we simply "thin the herd" when the wardrobe, wig, and shoe collection
becomes too difficult to hide.
Denial is unfortunately a large part of the package for many
crossdressers; how many times will the average crossdresser purge their
wardrobes only to eventually reconcile with it all and fill the closet or
the suitcase or the trunk with the latest fashions? Denial is at the
crossroads of what is real and what is not. Denial is intrinsic. Denial
springs from not accepting who we are for a number of reasons. Just as
those around us might not believe that we are crossdressers we ourselves
have trouble believing it. I can still remember the first time I shaved my
legs and the mixed feelings it brought up in me. Shaving your legs is
indicative of a commitment to crossdressing, a commitment that makes
denial difficult if not impossible. I was giddy at having shaved my legs
yet struggled with accepting my true self. Many if not most of us are
perfectly normal guys who routinely participate in manly activities but
now and then we cross the gender border or perhaps more tellingly dance
around it. Denial is also dependent on just how good we look while
crossdressed. This is a theory but bear with me. Those of us who are
fortunate enough to look good, great, and passable are, in my own opinion,
less likely to engage in denial. Those of us who unfortunately look like
linebackers in sacks are more likely to engage in denial. How do I know
this? Firsthand experience. Most of us operate alone, crossdressing can be
a seriously lonely endeavor. Years ago in facing the urge to crossdress
well I went to a tranformation service in Connecticut. While I had to
overcome the intial trepidation of openly admitting to the proprietor that
I was a life long crossdresser I quickly determined that she was entirely
accepting and moreover encouraging. Over the next few hours my look was
polished to the enth degree and she achieved a degree of realism I had
never been able to achieve on my own. Being fully dressed, made up and
coiffed I looked and felt absolutely female, entirely passable, and
jubilantly content. When you cross that line denial becomes unthinkable
for you have achieved the goal that your soul has in mind for you. Your
mind shifts into the female mode. The closer you get to radical or
advanced crossdressing the more normal it feels; if you look great you
feel great and denial becomes less of a factor. The simple act of learning
how to walk well in high heels will counteract the denial for the more you
do it the more natural it becomes lessening the denial. Walking in heels
is addictive, not always comfortable, but undeniably addictive. The seeds
of denial are the feelings of guilt and shame and these feelings are
entirely self destructive. Stop and think about it. Crossdressing hurts
no one else so why should we allow it to hurt ourselves? Put that bag of
bricks down. One of my crossdressing fantasies centers around the thought
of "what would you do if you were the last human being on earth." Raise
your hand if you would crossdress full time every day. If your hand is up
and you could imagine this scenario would you even consider it
crossdressing or would it simply be the real you coming to the forefront
without fear of judgement?
Purging is wasteful and self defeating. Who is kidding who? Even as you
purge your stash you know you can't help but be drawn back to it, it
simply is who you are. The next time purging appears necessary stop and
think. Instead of throwing it all out put the wardrobe in storage and out
of your immediate domicile. In the long run is is a whole lot less
expensive and far more expdient to rent out a storage space. I know, I've
been there, and once the beloved hand picked wardrobe is gone, it is gone.
Fashion is like a river, that perfect dress you just threw out might not
be able to be replaced.
The urge to crossdress and the occasional perceived need to purge are two
sides of the same coin of crossdressing. Crossdressing is a mixed
blessing with vacillating measures of joy and terror. Sometimes you can
control it and sometimes it controls you but regardless of where you stand
on the spectrum you know, you gotta know, the joys of crossing that gender
line even for a short time will always draw you back. Don't beat up on
yourself for crossdressing, enjoy it!
Vicky
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