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Confused And Lost In My Mind free porn video
Confused and Lost in my Mind
My Life chapter 4
By: Ms. Jenny Ann
The following story was written by me and may not be sold. It may be
downloaded or shared at free to read sites only.
I was wondering what the fall-out from my visit to Doctor Evens would be
and I found out on Monday, after school. Dad had come home early, and I
did not know if that was good or bad for me. He came right to the point,
he was fond of saying, "Don't beat around the bush make your point."
"So, you think we have been treating you like a girl, please explain
this," he said.
I said, "Remember when we were living at Colorado Springs, CO and right
after my step-mother had her baby you told me I would have to start
helping out with some of the house work. At first, I did not mind as it
seemed only right and fair to help; however, soon I began to be do most
of it by myself. I have been doing that for 4 years and no boys that I
know do as much, only most of the girls that I know do what I do."
"No free rides here, you will help in some way," he said.
I saw that Princess my dog had her paw on my knee and she was letting me
know it was time to go out, I said, "Let me take Princess out and I will
let you know what I think would be fair."
He said, "Go ahead and let her out."
I left the apartment saying, "As soon as she is done I will be back."
Princess and I had a nice walk, she was quick to pee; however, the other
all ways took a little longer, still it took close to 15 minutes and dad
was watching to make sure I did not try to go off into the woods. I did
have time to come up with what I thought would be fair, now I had to see
if dad would agree.
Once back inside I unhooked Princess and was ready to give dad my new
household duties. I said, "I will take out the trash as needed, no
chores Monday - Friday and either half day on Saturday and Sunday or a
full day on one of them."
Dad thought for a few minutes and said, "OK, that seems like it could
work." Then added. "You can start now, take the trash out, now."
I knew by the way he said it, not a request an order. "No problem I'm
right on it," I said.
While taking out the trash I thought I can't believe Doctor Evens bought
the near truth; OK, the lies I told him. I knew that the hard part for me
was only beginning I would have to hang out with other boys and I did not
know how to be a boy. Maybe, if I could somehow fake it things would
work out I hoped that would do.
I was lost in my mind, torn between the part that wanted to make my dad
proud of his son and the part that still wanted to be a girl. This fight
would go on for 6 more years, that was a pander to the future.
The year is 1969 and I turned 14, the new chores seemed to help me as I
had no time alone, so dressing-up was not an option. I still wanted to,
the need was still there it was just unfilled. Thinking back now dad
made sure I had no time alone, he did not trust me. After 3 months there
was a big change in my life, an upcoming dance at school where the girls
asked the boys out. I meet Lynn, she asked me to go with her to the
dance. I was faking being a boy good.
We went to the dance and made out after, she was the first girl that I
kissed. We started dating and soon a couple. I was caught off guard I
liked Lynn, she could make me forget while I was with her that my boyhood
was a lie; however, when alone with my thoughts I still felt that need.
I would keep it in the back of my mind as much as I could; but, it never
went away. She was a year older then me, so, I let her take the lead and
when she wanted to we had sex. My dad was happy that I had a girlfriend
and started to trust me more. I was at a loss to explain it to myself,
how could I have a girlfriend and still want to dress-up like a girl.
She talked me in to joining the Mannheim Teen Twirlers it was a square-
dancing club, it was fun I did not think it would be, but, I did like it.
One time one of the other girls did not show up and I thought that we
would just call it a night; however, the girls came over to me and Lynn
said, "we need you to take the place of the 4th girl. Then we can dance
or go home if you say no."
"I'll try to dance the girl's part don't laugh if I mess up," I said. I
made it through I made a lot of mistakes I was trying to do the
contrasting moves to the moves that I was still trying to learn. We had
a good laugh about my mistakes on the way home. In my defense I said, "I
kept forgetting that I was doing the girl's part and when I was meant to
spin my shoe would grab the floor and I would fall."
Sally said, "If we know that we need you we will just have to find a way
to make sure you don't forget. I got it you won't forget if we made you
look like a girl. Maybe paint your fingernails and put a padded bra on
you."
I wanted to say why stop there; but, I knew I had to shut it down before
I got into more than I could deal with dad would lose it big time. "No
way, there will not be a next time," I said. More laughter I must have
made rejection to Sally's choice to improve my memory clear enough. My
brain was having a hard time dealing with this input, I said no to a
chance to dress-up it was not yes. Two halves that make up my brain were
at war over my gender. One side was the girl in me and she wanted to say
yes; however, the other side that was trying hard to act and be a boy had
to say no. I hoped that the battle in my mind was over for tonight and
the conflict resolved. Dazed and confused does not do well for a good
and thoughtful conversation.
As we got to our buildings Lynn asked, "Do you want to come over for a
while?"
"No, I have to walk my dog," I replied. Princess was at the time the one
thing that was right in my life, she did not care about the battle in my
mind and I found great comfort in the love she gave. I would come home
from school and she would jump on me knocking me down to kiss my face,
dad told me I should break her of that; however, I never did. It was
welcome home, have a kiss and take me out I did not want to lose that
expression of joy when she saw me.
I'm sure you have heard tales of dogs that try to find their owners, well
that's just what Princess did one morning. I was my 1st period history
classroom, on the 2nd floor, when I thought I saw a brownish black shape
go past the open door. It can't be my dog she is at home. The dog in
the hallway had turned around and sure there was no doubt Princess was
out there! I call to her, "Princess come here." She turned and ran to
me. I had made it to the doorway and just like at home she knocked me
down covering me with kisses, I looked her in the eyes and said, "What
are you doing here?"
I told the teacher and the whole class, "I don't know how she did it this
is my dog."
The teacher said, "A German Shepard's sense of smell is great, and they
are smart. She found you and now you will have to take her home, I'm
sure you will have no problem at the office when they see her."
I did as instructed and took her home proud that she found me yet upset
that she escaped from the apartment. I did not want to lose her I would
have to find a way to keep her in while I was at school or out with
friends. Building maintenance came up with a slide bolt up high where
she could not get to it and could only be used if when someone was at
home and a safety chain that also had a key release to be used from the
outside when no one was home. I had to return to school and I knew she
would not get out on her own anymore.
Sorry, brain fog I got lost in there again and that's part of the problem
it's so easy to find the pleasant memory and want to stay; however, doing
that robs my present and any hope for the future. If I can't make it
thru hard and sometime painful parts, only a few more to recall major
things that shaped me or hurt me.
Lynn and I were still seeing each other, and I met him. He was the
younger brother of the woman that in the building across from our place
and Gary was from England and that voice was sexy to me. That's right I
had a crush and it was on a boy. It was if he could see past everything
and reach the inner girl, maybe my eyes gave me away whatever it was it
did have a hold on me.
Gary came over to see me a few times and gave me hints as to what he
liked, and I was what he liked. He waved to me from my step-aunt's room,
I went in and he placed her fall on his head then he put it on me and
said, "Look's better on you love."
"I can't do this now, I'll get in trouble." I took it off and put it up.
He heard what I had implied saying to me, "Not now, how about later and
with me?"
What my brain was still trying to process, as the girl in me said, "I
would like that."
"We have to get out of this room, now before I get into trouble," I said
as I pushed him out.
He asked, "Walk me home."
I said, "OK." I told my parents I was going over Gary's and would be back
in little bit.
As we walked across the parking lot to his sister's apartment, we went up
the 3 flights of stairs, however, he did not stop at the door and took me
by the hand up to the next landing. He pulled me closer our lips met,
and we kissed, I did kiss him back. We French kissed and I liked it I
wanted him, to be his girl all the way. I felt his hard cock against my
leg and I had to feel it with my hand, he was huge at least to me he did
feel much larger my own little one. We went down to the next level and I
hoped that more fun would be had, however, his sister stopped us at the
door and told me to wait she had to talk to Gary first. She closed the
door and even through the door I could hear, and it was bad. She said,
"Mum told me about how you were getting it on with some of your mates and
I will not have you doing that here. You can tell you friend to go
home."
Gary opened the door and said, "Sorry, sis doesn't want you to come in.
She feels that I'll want you and she is right. Bye love."
I went home and wondered if we would hook up at some point. I had a hard
time trying to sleep a new battle front was now part of the war being
waged in my mind, nothing I can do about it better get some sleep.
Sunday morning and I owed dad a half day of chores, after Princess had
her walk. Clear wash and put away the dishes from breakfast. Dust and
vacuum the living room not to bad a lot less then work load before I got
caught. I looked for Gary as I did the living room, but I did not see
him. No sign of Gary the rest of Sunday and he was not at school
Monday. When I was walking Princess after school, I saw his sister and
she said, "If you are looking for Gary, he went back to England, it was
not going to work out for him here."
I had mixed emotions about Gary, I knew I would miss him I did kiss him,
and he was a boy. I also liked to kiss Lynn, confused was the state of
mind and the battle remains at a deadlock. How could I like to kiss both
and why did it feel as good with both? Maybe I needed one and wanted the
other, that could be it, could it be as simple as that.
Gary was gone and out of my life before I could get the answer I was
looking for could I have sex with a boy like a girl, years later I would
find out and that will a great story when I get to it. Two weeks later,
my step-aunt moved out and I got my room back. With the temptation and
opportunity no longer in the room it was somehow not as exciting to be in
there.
I was trying to go my hair longer and dad did not like it saying, "Your
hair is too long, and it makes you look like a girl, you are going to get
it cut."
I tried to tell him that he was in the Army, not me and it was my hair.
When I was told on Saturday to take my younger step-brother to the base
barber shop and was given 2 coupons I knew there would be an issue at the
barber shop. I was right dad was there to make sure I got my hair cut.
"You can't make me cut my hair," I said to him.
"Watch me," he said as he reached out to grab me. I was not fast enough,
and he had me by my left arm, I turned into him and hit him with my right
fist. We fell to the floor and I kept hit and trying to get away, it was
then I stopped my brain come to terms with what I was doing, he is my
father and it is only hair, it will grow back. I surrendered to his
authority. Not my best idea, but worse was what I said to him when got
back to the apartment.
Dad started by saying, "As long as you live under my roof, you will do as
you are told."
I came back with, "Would not be here if you had not mess it up with my
mom. I never asked to be born into your family."
He snapped right back with, "If you had the answer would have been no."
That hurt me, I know I asked for it by trying to hurt him with my words,
those words seemed crueler.
The fight with dad and the bitter words we exchanged left a long-lasting
coldness that we never really were able to put to rest. We tried to be
nicer to each other; however, the words just hurt to deeply.
The days went by with no major changes to my internal struggle I had good
days and bad days, I was trying to cope with peer pressure, I guess I
picked the wrong boys to try and be like got into some trouble. Maybe,
my inner girl liked bad boys and that's why I picked them to be like.
Before I knew I my 15th birthday had come and gone. It was around
Thanksgiving when I got bad news Lynn said, "Her dad got orders and they
were packing and would be gone by December." In a week I would be alone
again. Teenage love, the pain from loss is just as real and it can hurt
for some time.
Both Gary and Lynn were gone and with nothing to do I started to the near
by Army base to hang out at the snack bar and when a nice looking young
GI would lite a smoke I would ask if they would buy a pack for me, 19
cents for a pack I'd give them a quarter and tell them to keep the
change. When one would get a pack for me, sometimes that would open a
conversation, and if they were cool they would ask if I got high. When I
found out what they meant, I would say when I can. Soon word got around
and the cool ones would get me high, it was great traded in my bad boys
for real men, plus I would get so stoned. I had hopes of it leading to
something more, but that never happened. That would lead to the last 2
major events of the time I spent in Germany.
One of the cool GI that I knew asked me to go on the rail with him to
Munich. I thought it might be fun, so, I said, "I would go but I have to
be back tonight."
He said, "No problem."
Our day trip was fun he bought me lunch, then a nice sweater and showed
me the sites around town. I thought we should be heading back. At the
rail stop, the last train back had already left. I knew dad would be
mad, and he had the phone shut off, so I could not call and let him know
what had happened. My GI was sorry that we missed the train and found me
a bunk at one of his buddy's barracks. We got the first train back;
however, the damage had already been done.
When I got home and opened the door, I was hit by dad and went down to
the floor. Before he could do anything, else Princess came to protect
me, standing between me and dad hair on her back up and growling. Dad
said, "Put that dog up."
I call Princess over to me and told her what a good girl she was. I
said, "I will put her up after we talk, I tried to call when I missed the
last train back, but the phone has been turned off. Please tell how I
can call in to inform you as to the delay when you have shut the phone
off?"
"What, I forgot I did have the phone shut off," then he laughed,
"couldn't call in with the phone shut off."
The rest of Sunday went by no problem. Monday after school I was given a
pain that hurt me more than anything that ever had happened to me.
Princess did not come to kiss me, I called for her and she did not come.
I looked for her and saw her food dish gone and no water bowl. I asked
my step-mom, "Where is Princess?"
She said, "your father gave her to the Mullers, you knew we would have to
find her a home before we go back to the States."
That is about all the major events that had a real impact on me form my
time overseas. I was closer to finding myself then when I got to
Germany, yet, I still had more questions about me then answers. My next
chapter will find me at Wilmington, NC. High school years 1971-1973.
This is My Life.
"" I'm the one that has to die when it's my time to die, so let me live
my life the way I want to, sing on singer play on drummer....""
Jimi Hendricks 'If six was nine'
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