Kurt - The Girl Emerging free porn video

THE WALTZ Once in a while our school would hold a winter dance. It didn't happen every year, and I didn't know why, but this year was a special one and the dance was would be held on Saturday between Christmas and New Years. It would be a formal affair, more formal than a senior prom. It's purpose was mostly not for entertainment but rather for the development of some social skills: such as for girls and boys being polite with each other, those little smiles with 'thanks' and little bows or maybe even some curtsies, I hoped. Anyway, it was dance and consequently I wasn't going to attend for the simple reason I had no girlfriend. Actually there were some girls that could be called friends, but none of them was that specific person who could be called a girlfriend. On the other hand, I was just a freshman and I was sure I had still a plenty of time to learn these sorts of social skills such as a formal ball and the waltz. The waltz itself wasn't a problem. I'd attended dance classes since kindergarten because my granny was giving dance lessons and my opinion wasn't asked for. I'd learned the basics of the most of ball dances and the waltz was in first place. Actually I loved dance and music and everything related. Although I loved music more, I guess. Just I wanted it melodic not in a boom-boom way. Sure I'd nothing against John Lee Hooker's "Boom boom" I just didn't like the music one single booooom way. So I wasn't involved in this event this year and could ignore everything that was related to it. But there was Willy, my best (and the only) friend William R. Grood. We got to know each other almost ten years ago when his family moved to our neighborhood and there were no other kids nearby. He was one year older and almost two times bigger, or to be more precise, two times heavier than me. Willy wanted and actually was almost forced by his parents to attend this formal dance. There was a problem though - Willy and dancing were mutually exclusive alternatives 'cause he's like a gawky tree. To say both his feet were left was to say there was a hope. When he asked me help him and teach him I could see no hope since his both feet were rakes. But Willy was my friend (the best and the only) and I was the only who could help him. There were six weeks and a will (his and mine), a place (the garage which had a floor I needed to paint and was Granny's classroom), the music (my personal CD collection, some of them really rare) and no hope I feared. I wasn't foreshadowing, though. I simply was a realistic guy. First things first: I showed him the basic waltz steps and expected him to repeat them. What did he do? He lost the direction after the second step and his steps were twice longer than mine too so my idea to draw steps on the floor was appropriate. I'd used different colors to draw different steps' sets. "Let's try without music first: ONE-two-three and again ONE-two-three and once more ONE-two-three." He was trying, I could see he was trying hard, his face was red and he was sweating but he was stepping or rather hammering as a soldier. We couldn't spend more than one day for the first step so again, "Keep the rhythm: ONE- two-three and ONE-two-three and again ONE-two-three." "What do you want from me?" he asked sweating hard. "I do exactly what you say." "No no no no. I see only one-two-three and not ONE-two-three." "Don't be such a carper Kurt!" (I am Kurt, by the way.) "I'll be a carper, niggler, knocker, nagger or anybody else to teach you. So try to put an accent on your first step: ONE-two-three and ONE- two-three and again ONE-two-three and once more ONE-two-three." It's such simple "ONE-two-three" but there was no progress. "Let's try the same with music 'Oh, du lieber Augustin!'. This song is a base for every waltz so you can repeat in your head 'Oh, du lieber Augustin, Augustin, Augustin' (Note that the meter there is ONE, two three, ONE, two, three...) anytime you have to dance the waltz. Just remember that 'Oh, du lieber' Augustin is ONE while 'Augustin, Augustin' is two-three. Let's go..." Great! It was really great. Who could believe the music will make such an improvement in Willy's training. Another hour and the first day was over. Willy had planned those lessons once a week what I guessed was an excessive optimism. I wasn't sure every next day would be enough but on the other hand he said there was homework to do and football workouts three times a week and he promised to train at home, too. So maybe he really wasn't so hopeless. By the end of the next lesson Willy's steps were almost perfect and it was a time for him to dance with a partner. "What partner? I have no one," he stated. "But you need one!" It seemed completely obvious to me, I had gotten so involved in watching his steps that I had forgotten that Willy was not one of my granny's students. "You have to feel her, her steps, her height, and her hand on your shoulder." "Why don't I dance with you, Kurt?" Willy suggested. "Me?" His comment seemed to come out of nowhere. "Why not? Your height and complexion is the same as other girls." "I have no shoes and no gown..." (Why I'd said this instead that I wasn't a girl?) "Ask your Granny, she's a seamstress, after all." "So simply? Just ask for an evening gown and shoes and earrings and make-up...." "Listen Kurt. I know it's not 'so simply' but rather complicated. I really don't have a partner and I really need learn to dance." "Ok. I'll talk with Granny. Maybe everything is unnecessary and there is some very simple way to help us." I bid Willy goodbye for the evening into the house where I found my grandmother in the living room. I found myself feeling rather nervous. I had to ask for something that was inappropriate but needed. Sure, there was a reason, a justifiable reason: teaching Willy, anyway... So there I was, trying to speak to my grandmother in a series of "Uhu... er... so... like... you see, we... er... " "So Kurt, how are your dance lessons?" Granny simply asked me. "Willy's doing well. So I think it's time to move from the garage to the classroom." "Who is his partner? Do I know her?" I swallowed. There was no way I could avoid telling her what I needed. "Willy wants me for his practice. He says he has no girlfriend at the moment." "Well then. I want you for the next lesson to dress in leotards and tights, this is usual attire for dance practice. He needs to see your legs while he has to learn to synchronize his steps with his partner. What else? You need shoes with some heel, two inches will be enough I think. Have you practiced on high heels?" "Granny! I sure haven't!" How could she ask me something like that? I was a fourteen-year-old boy and I would never do anything to offend her or make her think any less of me. So there were my very first high heels. I'd read somewhere that a practice is needed to walk in them and like it's no more than an hour to learn walking... Nonsense! I had six days and practiced four and more hours every day and wasn't sure it was enough. It is one thing to practice in ballet flats and just another in casual shoes not to say high heels. They were slippery and it was hard to feel the floor with my feet. I couldn't do all steps I wanted, I had to be more careful turning and bowing. Anyway I was ready for the next week practice. Willy was wearing grey sweatpants and matching tee while I was in black leotard and black tights in black strappy sandals with two inch heel. "Wow! You look something strange, like a girl..." "I need to wear high heels, it's for your practice." I felt a little self-conscious at having Willy see me dressed this way. "I'm talking not about heels. I can't see... you know... that below..." "Sure you can't. I'm using a gaff to hide it. It's nothing special just a common practice. OK. Let's begin." First was first - the positioning. His hand on my waist and my hand on his shoulder while my right and his left hanging down straight for the first day of dancing what had prevent from swaying. For the first day I'd chosen "Keiser Walzer" by J. Strauss. It's named imperial but actually it's nothing special, probably emperor wasn't a good dancer. A short intro and there we flow ONE-two-three and ONE-two-three. "Repeat to yourself O-DU-LIEBER_AUGUSTIN_augustin_augustin" I whispered him. I guess it helped. A lot. "Lead me Willy. You can do it." We danced, we turned and swirled, and we were looking into each other's eyes. "Wie geht's?" Granny poked her head into the room. "Very well, thank you. Just I think the view of my groin is disturbing Willy." "Every problem has its solution," Granny said, "in this case it's a wrap on ballet skirt. I'll give you a shorter one." "What's now?" I asked after Willy's jaw dropped. "I... er... You are like a real girl now." "I can put a tux on," I said. "No! No way!" Willy's answer was rather quick. "It's ok. Just unusual, I wasn't expecting it." "If you say so." We danced another forty minutes and I think we both had "Keiser Walzer" in our heads. Next week was Strauss again; just Willy was already in his tux and I was wearing the long wrap on. The day's primarily task was not only the dance, but the manners - some bow before and then asking for the dance while afterwards again thanks with a bow. I hadn't planned, but I noticed, and it was a surprise for me, I curtseyed Willy after each dance. It was a light curtsey; not a deep one but anyway it was it. I was sure Willy was ready for the dance after the fourth lesson. Actually the mission wasn't impossible. He danced one waltz with my granny and she had said "Perfect! It's time to learn not only to perform the steps but to feel the dance now." To feel the waltz Strauss alone wasn't enough so my music collection was to the purpose. Willy again was in his tux while I the same as previous days just this time I was all in white. Granny said it will help Willy to feel a little better. We started with a light one Shostakovich's #2 waltz. It's a simple one, very good for an intro dance. Next was Sviridov's Snowstorm waltz, this one more expressive with some passion and higher tempo changing our dance into the vortex not allowing an escape, keeping our hands locked and stares lost in each other's eyes. Then there was Khachaturian's waltz - maximum of passion and maximum of expression. It was the one when you dance and you didn't think anything else just feel him and see him no matter what while the music makes it's miracle. In a couple of minutes our lives were changed completely. Willy wasn't like he was before as well as I wasn't the same boy then a day before. For the fire of passion to stifle the waltz by Petrov wasn't enough. It just seemed like a light and a calm one. The music was over, Willy bowed, I curtseyed and he said "Thanks" and kissed my cheek which made me blush. "Not so bad, almost good" we heard Granny saying. 'Oh shit, sorry, anyway, shit in uppercase!' "When did you come?" I asked. "After the music started," Granny said. "I couldn't allow myself to interrupt you, your dance was incomparable." We came closer to her and I curtseyed again, I couldn't help it. I was dressed like a girl which was making me not only act but feel and kinda think like a girl. So I was blushing all shades of red and I was looking at the floor with my head lowered. And what was I thinking about? About the kiss. It was just a peck but it was deserved and I deserved it as a girl and not as a boy. And that made me to blush even more and keep my stare on my toes. All I could think about was that the mission was completed. What else? Christmas will be in two weeks, then a New Year, then Willy will forget his kiss as well as I'll forget it (will I?) but the waltz will live in us. = - :: - = THE TRUTH What I'm writing down now is neither a diary nor a journal. I write it for myself, for my possible references in the future. If someone reads this has to know doing it against my will. December 21st. It's time of preparation for Christmas so Granny and me have visited retirement home not on Saturday or Sunday as usually but today, on Monday. Some other girls from our school with their mommies are visiting too but they usually are communicating with lonely elder people while I as usually do those nurses helping jobs: changing sanitary napkins, bathing and talking with them afterwards. I'm a boy so I help elder men but probably because of that weird red and white uniform and my longish hair I am constantly mistaken for a girl. I don't mind it though it's weird when people call me Courtney instead of Kurt. December 24th. Christmas eve and there is a waiting in silence at home for miracle of COMING. I am waiting for my Dad to come home for the first time in three years. I'm waiting for my Gramp to come home. Sure there is a plenty of other people I want to see with me at Christmas Eve's table. Unfortunately there are only two of us at home today: Granny and me. I haven't seen my Dad for years. Is it my fault he doesn't want any more to come home? December 26th. It's a day of the winter dance at our school this year. I've said to myself earlier I'd not attend it and I'd not change my mind. But there was Willy who wanted me to teach him the waltz. I've taught him to dance in a leading role while I was in the role of the girl and there was a wrap-on skirt and shoes on heels and tights and leotard and that wonderful music and the dance ended then Willy bowed and I curtseyed and he kissed me. On lips. I was shocked though I'd enjoyed it. And now I hate myself for it. I hate myself for the kiss. Not for the kiss but for me enjoying the kiss. I hate myself not Willy while Willy is a boy and boys don't think they act according to instincts and I'm a... o shit I'm the boy too that was my instinct to take a kiss and enjoy it so I'm right to hate myself while I hadn't enjoy it or I had to make something not allowing Willy to kiss... Willy has called the same night after the dance and he said everything went smooth and girls said he was perfect but he had called to say me no one girl was as perfect as I was. I guess he was talking about the waltz and not something else. January 1st. What made my days last few weeks? Not a bunch of events as Christmas or New Year rather a lack of them. I was expecting my dad and Gramp for Christmas at home first for Christmas and later for New Year. Alas! Granny and I were at home these days alone. Later I was expecting Willy to say something about the dance not by phone. Silly one! I'm a boy and if I want to go to the dance I have to go. It's not a prom and everyone attends the dance evening by oneself. I'm not a girl and I've just pretended to be in girl's role couple of times as Willy's dance partner. Where those thoughts about being a girl come from? Is that my dad? Well. Let's talk about my parents. My father is a seaman now. He tries to come home at least for Christmas. I hoped so; I hadn't seen him last two years already. The weirdest thing is that in the nowadays of Skype Google and i-phone the only way he communicates with us are ordinary postcards and letters. Dad never calls. There is my mother too I hope since I have not seen her and Granny don't talks about her a lot. My mother got pregnant when she and my Dad were fifteen. She was ready to go for abortion but Granny paid her for pregnancy and labor. Granny doesn't say how much I've cost her but Gramp mentioned once it was more than ten thousand dollars. So back to my dad. He's a seaman now but he worked in the Mall of America few years earlier and when I was nine the new Girl of America shop in Boston was opened. Dad bought me that girl of the year doll Mia St. Clair who's like me just her hair is a bit longer. He said she'll help me to grow into a caring parent. The same year I met Audra who has the girl of the preceding year doll Nicki Fleming. Granny taught us how to sew dresses for our dolls while Audra's dad showed how to build furniture and other useful stuff for the dolls. Then there are other girls with their dolls too but Audra and I are BFF. I'm fourteen and will be fifteen in a couple of weeks but I have no girlfriend though Audra is my BFF and bunch of the girls are my friends. We don't talk about our dolls anymore but about fashion, make up, bands and boys. They all (ok almost all) have their boyfriends or have been on their dates already but not me. I'm with girls but I'm not a girl: I never dress up; I don't do my hair or make up. Have I to blame my dad for what I am and what I feel? I don't think so. One single doll can't change the one's (in this particular case - mine) life in so radical way. Who else? Dad was adopted by Gramp and Granny when he was twelve so he is the only my relative and the only way to blame the genetics. I don't think my girliness is related with genetics anyway. Who else? Gramp! I see him just a little more often than my dad. He's a trucker. He isn't related with me and I don't see him a lot so... Granny. Like Gramp she's not my relative but she had paid for me. I spend with her all the time when I am out of the school. She's giving dance and aerobics lessons and I'm attending almost all of them. She's yogini and I'm with her doing and eating the same. I guess her diet made those bumps on my chest to grow. They are not breasts, though they are clearly visible and sore. And all those movements I am taught at her classes make my figure a little girly. OK. I have to admit that living with Granny may make a boy tender. But it can't change the boy into the girl. NO WAY! January 3rd. So there was a day of my musing or rather rambling about my girliness a day before without any appreciable result. Some result there was anyway just it wasn't a reason just me hating myself more and more for being not right. Right and wrong aren't those words that could describe me. It's rather freak. Exactly. I'm not a fag anyway while I don't fancy boys. I don't fancy Willy too. The kiss just happened. The same day Audra comes to our home and I can say I'm a human again in her presence. She doesn't say something special to feel me better. Anyway while she's here I have someone to share my worries with. Night comes and Audra has to go home. I'm alone again. There I catch it. Nothing will change and I'll be still musing and rambling without coming to any reasonable conclusion again and again until I'll change something. Anything. I am back to the statement that I'm wrong. Not that I'm thinking wrong but that I'm wrong myself as a person. I have no future. I have to be real boy or real girl to have any future while I'm none so I have no future consequently. My mother was right. There is the saying 'Mom knows best'. Exactly. Mother did know best. There is no way for me to be here. I have to disappear. 'Puff!' and there is no Kurt. I'm not talking about how to kill myself and make a mess at home and later all possible interviews and examinations for Granny: what happened, why happened, what have you done to prevent it etc and etc. I have to confess to myself I'm coward - suicide isn't my way. But I can't leave it as it is. I don't want to live a life that's just rubbish. The life has to be real. There has to be a clear certainty here. Otherwise there will be no real life. I don't want my life to be virtual: be a boy and be mistaken for a girl by almost everyone myself inclusive. So what's my plan? I'm at the north end of route one and now in January temperature drops below zero only in the morning before the dawn. After Granny goes to bed I'll drive my bike no less than ten miles away till I find some place for sleep. I have to get as tired as possible then the rest will be cared by the nature if I succeed to fall asleep. I have only to write a card for Granny that I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. There is just no other acceptable way. = - :: - = ANOTHER TRUTH? I wasn't sure about the day while it was dark. Not darkness as it is while lights were on but dark outside like it wasn't a day. I was not in the bed but on the coach under some blankets in front of the fireplace and I was sweating heavily. Another thing I was sure I needed a bathroom desperately so I started to move covers to the side. "So are you conscious at least?" I heard a deep voice, not such a low one we usually call deep but really deep as from the bottom of the barrel. "Isn't it too early for you to get up?" "I need to pee" I replied trying to turn to the voice but the backrest of the coach prevented from seeing anything except the ceiling and the lights on it. "Ok then" the voice said "bathroom is to the left. And put slippers on, don't go barefoot." "Yessir," I replied shuffling around the coach until I found a pair of those fluffy pink bunny slippers. I myself apparently was in the ankle length powder blue flannel nightgown with a ribbon instead of buttons at the top of it. The owner of the voice was a large man, not only tall but really large. He could be Santa just there was no beard and no belly so he wasn't Santa, maybe his brother or cousin anyway. He smiled to me and nodded his head showing me the direction to the bathroom. I patted there urgently and sat down to relief myself. I usually was sitting while peeing at home too while it was the best way avoid the possible splatter. Using an occasion I glanced into the mirror. I expected image to be worse maybe just my hair needed some shampooing and I needed shower while I was sweating heavily and my sweat was kind of greasy and stinky. If at home I'd taking a bath instead of the shower because I still felt some residing cold in my bones but I'm not at home and I'd rather be thankful for being in the warmth here. STOP! Why am here? Who is this Santa's cousin? Why I'm dressed like a girl? I need to call granny. What I'm doing here? Maybe Santa's cousin can help me. I stepped out of the bathroom and found a woman together with a big man. "How are you honey?" woman asked. "I'm fine, I guess, ma'am." "Call me Marta, and this is Robert, Rob for short," she said. "If you are not too hungry I want us to go to steambath for your cold to expel completely from your body. Good?" "Fine with me ma'am" I replied. "Marta." "Yes, of course sure, Marta." She handed me a blue terry robe with a hood put the similar robe herself on and we hurried through the backyard to the steamhouse. Wow, it was cold outside. Marta noticed I was snuggling my robe tighter and she's like "It's twelve. So you apparently are not a fancier of shiver." We entered an ante-room and it was already very hot. Marta undressed quickly and wrapped a towel round her chest. She was waiting for me to do the same while I was hesitating and not willing undress in front of her. "I've seen you nude already, honey, after we found you and warmed and later when you were sweating I had to change your nightgown several times." I took robe and then my nightgown off hesitantly and wrapped the towel round my hips. "We girls have to wrap round our chests" Marta said after rewrapping me her way. "But I'm..." I started to complain. "Shush hon," Marta said and pushed me into the chamber where the air was even hotter and the chamber was filled with a stick steam and we sat on the lower bench. Marta poured the scoop of water over hot stones and the chamber was immediately filled with another portion of hot sweet-scented steam. I took another chance to complain regarding my gender. "Gender is not about presence or absence of some parts" Marta said, "it's rather what do you feel. I don't want you to answer immediately. I don't expect you to answer me. Anyway you'll need to answer for yourself. And you have to be honest with yourself. As I've mentioned," she continues, "I've seen you nude and you may pass both boy and girl. But there is what you feel. When you were unconscious you were talking a little and I did hear the girl talking not the boy." And I remembered why I was not at home, what I tried to do. And there I started to sob and tears were flowing like some gates were suddenly open. And there I again start to think to myself that I am not a right boy while boys don't cry and especially they don't cry in front of strangers. I think I probably earlier was more right boy while the last time when I was crying was seven years ago. So I managed to be right so long. What happened to me? What's happening to me now? I'm sick? Why can't I stop tears running? I start to shiver a couple of minutes later, I was almost shaking vigorously. I think I'm nuts and it's because of it. Marta meanwhile pours another scoop of water over hot stones and the heat becomes almost unbearable and I continue to shiver and to shake. "That's last drops of your cold go out from your body," Marta said. My shiver and tears stopped both almost at the same moment. There was a sound of Rob coming and another minute later he entered the chamber with the towel wrapped around his hips. He brought a portion of chill so he poured another scoop of water over hot stones and climbed onto the upper bench. Marta noticed the question in my eyes and she's like "We girls stay here while the upper bench is for men." I stood up, climbed and sat by Rob's side, the same moment I felt an unbearable pressure inside of my head and immediately rolled down to the lower bench. Marta didn't say a word just smile this almost invisible Mona Lisa smile. I caught the sense what happened. She's right - the upper bench was for men and not for me. I smiled too. That was it, the clarity! It's so good to be myself! Marta and I both went outside to the ante-room where we took a shower and after drying she gave me another flannel nightgown but this time it's light pink. Then we hurried back to the house and I noticed the weather wasn't as cold as previously. "It's getting colder," Marta said, "but you have no cold inside so you don't feel that the temperature is already below ten." We went into the kitchen and I thought I needed to call granny while Marta was like reading my mind "We've called your mom, sorry granny, the day we've found you and then every couple hours. She is informed but she can't come while there was a massive snowfall Saturday morning. We could take you with our 4x4 but we decided to wait till you regain your consciousness. Tomorrow we will drive you home anyway." I wanted to talk to granny personally but I thought I had rather to wait for the next call; I didn't want to appear a spoiled kid. Marta made a linden flowers tea meanwhile and then asked "Have you some allergies?" "Nope," I replied wondering what the reason of such question was. "Allergy isn't a rarity," Marta said, "and I don't want any complication while I want you to take a special honey mix." I was sipping linden flower tea while Marta crushed black pepper peas in a mortar and then mixed it with a little of honey. She got a spoon full of this mix and I had to swallow it without munching. I flushed it with a tea and felt no hot in my mouth rather some warmth in my stomach. A bit later I felt dizziness and passed out. I felt the urge to go to pee so I opened my eyes and found that there was a dim light in the room and mantel clock was showing half to six in the morning. I grasped those bunny slippers and dashed to the bathroom quickly. After I relieved myself I slipped into the shower and then after drying myself I put the same nightgown back on because I had no other clothes to change in. After I returned to the room I heard some voices in the kitchen as someone was doing something and talking to each other. Actually I heard only that deep Rob's voice while Marta was talking practically inaudible or maybe there was just Rob alone talking to himself. I stepped into the kitchen and found both of them doing breakfast. "Morning hon," Marta said and Rob just nodded his head to me while smiling. I answered "Good morning ma'am, sir." "I see you're after the shower already," Marta said. "I left you some clothes in the room. Put them on and then I'll help you with your hair before breakfast." I thanked her and was back into the room. She was right, a pile of clean clothes was laid on the chair I just didn't notice it. What I could expect from her after yesterday's statement about my girliness? Sure all clothes were girl's clothes: plain cotton panties and training bra, thick warm tights, slip, turtleneck sweater and woolen skirt. I had never dressed up in girl's clothes previously except one single case a couple of weeks ago when I put a wrap-on skirt for Willy's dance lessons. I put everything on without a single problem. I was wearing tights sometimes for dance classes so I knew how to put them on and how to manage my lower parts to make them invisible. The bra apparently was with a clasp at the front so I easily put it on, my bumps felt well in bra. Marta entered the room with a blow dryer in her hands when I was trying to find which side of the skirt was front. Apparently the zipper was on the left side not on the back and I was fully dressed at least just pink bunny slippers suited not very well. Marta blow dried my hair and left it not in a pony tail. Then she applied some mascara to my eyelashes. "Girl without make-up is more noticeable in nowadays," she said. "I guess mascara will be enough for the first time, other approaches you will learn with your friends and mom." "Granny," I said. "Yes, sure, granny..." We went to the kitchen for breakfast and there was this low whistle and "Wow..." from the Rob's side. We ate our breakfast with an acorn coffee. After we flushed the dishes we headed to dress for a trip. Marta gave me a knitted fluffy shawl, snow boots and a short faux fur jacket. My skirt was very short but jacket was even shorter. At least my tights were thick and warm. When we went outside to the car I could look over the house and other building. The house was one store lodge cabin, not very big maybe round a thousand square feet, then almost hundred feet away was a steamhouse and by it's side a barn almost as big as the living house and nearer to the house was a garage. Rob wanted to show me where I was found so we drove not directly to the town but first to that place at the skirts of the wood where Rob was arranged a feeder for deer. I actually had used haycock as my bed and Rob found me there when he brought salt and dried carrots to this place. So what happened Saturday morning? I had decided to take an one side ticket by riding my bike and then falling asleep. There isn't a place to discuss why. The decision was made. I drove away from Granny's home an hour after midnight following the route one to the North and then turned to the West after had reached the woods, then again to North few miles away and later again to West. At least I was at one of Rob's deer feeders at some unnumbered byroad almost forty miles away from Granny's home and almost at four in the morning. Wet snow was falling almost all night and stopped few hours before the dawn. I curled on the hay and felt fast asleep where Rob found me already cold at eight while temperature on Saturday morning had dropped significantly below freezing point and everything what was wet froze to the stone. Another half hour later I was already at their home and my clothes were ripped from me and I was laid into the bath with chill water almost sixty degrees. Thirty minutes later water was replaced with a warmer one, and later the temperature was raised to one hundred. Almost eight hours later I was warmed to my natural temperature but was still unconscious while later I became delirious for a short time almost to the Sunday morning and then I slept peacefully. My clothes were frozen to ice so Marta ripped away just shoes and jacket with a shawl and checked pockets before placing me into the bath for the first time. In jacket's pocket she found my phone and called 'Home, sweet home' number from her wired phone while there is very poor coverage. 'Home, sweet home' is granny's number in my phone and Marta told Granny that her daughter was found. Granny thought it's a prank while usually we get late on Saturdays and she didn't notice I was absent and besides we had never talked for me even to pretend being a girl so that daughter statement and unknown calling number looked like a prank. Then almost half hour later Granny at least came to my room and found my card: "Sorry. I'm not right and I can't live not right life. Love you, Kurt." Granny started to panicky. First she called police but there was no reasonable answer. Then she called Audra, some other girls, later Willy and then she thought that the call about her daughter was actually about me. She tried to call back but the line was busy. Apparently Marta tried to keep calling Granny because I was still unconscious and my temperature was rising very slowly. At least one of them succeeded and there was sighing of relief at both sides. Later had Marta called Granny another few times and they talked about me. Marta said that from boy I have only boy parts while body shape, bone structure, scull, skin, face and my bumps at least are more girlish than boyish. After episode in a steamhouse Marta became pretty sure I was a girl with a plumbing defect. It wasn't reasoned by my inability to stay on upper bench but rather my appreciation after I accepted my girliness. Meanwhile we were already at granny's home. Granny stepped outside on the porch to invite us to the house. The strangest thing wasn't to explain or tell my story to granny and Audra who was present too but to stay dressed in girl clothes in front of them. For me it was weird 'cause I felt myself in girl mode and they two accepted me as I was without a second glance or some freaking comment. It was clear obviously for all of us that I can't turn into girl immediately. I might accept it, and granny and some my friends might accept it too, but there was school, teachers and a plenty of others we cannot be sure. "One thing is clear," Audra stated, "I don't want call her Kurt." "Some retirement home inhabitants and even nurse call me Courtney," I said. "Oh no, no, no!" Granny shouted "I hate that 'Kurt' name and everything related to it." "So why did you have given it to me?" I asked. "When you mother was pregnant all signs and even ultrasound were showing the girl, so the name was selected, discussed and approved by all participants. But then was that 'Congratulations honey, you have born a healthy boy'. Nobody was prepared for the boy and Gramp while he actually was reading a book of Kurt Vonnegut offered the name 'Kurt'. It wasn't my fault, sorry." I suddenly started to fear while I felt we were ready to change my birth certificate and all school records and then chop everything needless from my body. It's not that I wanted ever to be a boy but I've born as one and all fifteen years of my life I've been one while dressed as a girl I'm less than a day. I knew how to survive in boy body and how to play a boy role and don't know anything about being a girl even if want be one. I voiced my fears and doubts for others and Granny said that I'll continue attend the school as boy as Kurt till the summer break and meanwhile I'll have to make appointment to some doctors. She ensured there could be no urgent decisions. Then Marta and Rob drove back home and Audra shortly left too so we were here only two of us again. I couldn't miss an occasion and asked "So what name I'd be?" and she's like "My Mother's name. Do you agree?" and I "Yes, I do. What is it?" "Monica," she said. = - :: - = THE NAME So it will be tomorrow, my fifteenth birthday. What's fifteen? That's the age of my parents when I was born so I'm supposed not to be a kid anymore. As a kid I could expect something new expensive for my birthday like new pc, Smartphone, videogame or similar stuff. I actually don't feel myself very adult like in time to have my own family and kids and stuff like my father and mother fifteen years ago. Maybe I'm simply like underdeveloped. I can be a little bigger and I can have a little more muscles but I don't am so big and I don't have those muscles and I'm more dancer than a jock. I'm not one of those sort of late bloomers and my puberty is over. My voice was cracked for three months last year just it ended in the same soprano as previously. I have fuzz all over my face and I may shave it if I want but I don't need to shave more than once in two weeks. I have some hair under my arms and on my groin and I shave it while it's hard and curly and dark like an alien on my own body. So I'm almost the same as other boys my age just not so tall and my voice is high and there are those bumps on my chest but they are not big. Audra says they are like cups and are named "A". Audra is my BFF and eventually I'm her BFF. I guess my puberty will be complete when I'll feel an attraction to Audra. For me she's most beautiful simply perfect girl but I don't feel to her that attraction as it's described in books. Sure there is some wonderful feeling when we are hugging but the same feeling is when I'm hugging with granny or someone else who's the same very important and dear. And then there was that confusion about my being kind of a girly and like I am not a boy anymore but a girl. That's weird and it makes me a freak. No matter that some people with Audra and Granny are sure I'm really a girl in wrong body for the rest of the world I'm somebody. People that don't know me think I'm a girl but after they get to know my name they are confused. Sorry, I'm again about the same... So back to my birthday. I'm ready to accept anything the faith has prepared for me while I understand that two weeks after Christmas isn't the best time for another turn of presents' giving. It's not the first time for my birthday to have teatime at home with Granny and Audra. This time there was a special faith's gift. Gramp arrived a day before my birthday but not the way Granny or I were expecting it. He was driven home by his friend. He said there was a pain in his chest on left side and when the pain was unbearable they left cargo and turned home. He didn't agree to be placed into hospital other than "our". What other could be expected? Gramp as anyone else in the town was kind of patriot. Anyway the Foxstone town wasn't there before the St. Rochus hospital was built more than hundred years ago. Later there was an orphanage and later the school. We from Foxstone had "our" hospital and were attending it from anywhere in the world whenever needed. So Gramp too went those 'a little' six hundred miles from Canada to get into "his" hospital. Heart attack. He came just in time for heart attack not to happen. Anyway he was placed into ICU for a day. I wasn't sure what about granny but I was praying for him all my birthday. We are not religious though we talk about God more than once a day. We are nor Catholics or Lutheran or any other confession. Granny says she's equally comfortable with any of them and I was comfortable I had attended both churches in our town with her. The God doesn't need our prayers to be translated into some special language, so I was praying and I noticed that I named Gramp in my prayers 'Daddy'. I don't know why. Actually I have father but he is just like official father and before he left he was like an older brother for me. He was my age when I was born. I'm sure longing for him but not the way I was always longing for Gramp. Gramp is special, he's like a Dad of all our family. I was sure God did understand what I had in my mind asking for health of my Daddy while he was released from ICU the next day. In my prayers for Daddy I'd included Granny too and named her 'Mommy'. And again, there's an official Mother and I'd never met her and didn't know who and what she was. Granny had paid her for her pregnancy and labor 'cause she wanted go for abortion. So I was pretty sure the title 'Mommy' was vacant and present for Granny to take it. By the way she's less than fifty years old and when at school she's not the oldest one among other parents of my mates. So what my birthday present was? I've got Mommy and Daddy. I guess it's incomparably more than any Smartphone. I was very proud of this present and sure I wanted to share my joy with others. So there was a dinner after school and after we came from hospital visiting Daddy (!!!) and I put a kettle on a fire for tea and Mommy (!!!) takes butter cookies she'd baked previously and Audra sets the table and I like say "I want to share my joy with you while I was praying for Gramp as for Daddy and for Granny as for Mommy and God has accepted my prayers so from today Gramp is Daddy and Granny is Mommy and I have both my parents and I've got to live in a normal family." Then we all three watered a little but I could see that Mommy was happy and Audra kissed me on my cheek and hugged tightly as a bear. And then Mommy said "Sorry." While I didn't understand and said "What for?" "For me saying I hate Kurt and everything with this name related. For saying I don't like this name. I guess I've been selfish and wrong." "I know you don't hate me," I said and hugged Mommy and she said "And I'm sorry for pushing you. It's selfish too. I kind of did want a girl when your mother was pregnant and doctors said no way for the boy to be born but I'm thankful for you have born." "I'm sorry too," Audra said, "for pushing you to take a girl's name." "No prob'," I replied, "anyway in a couple of days no one will mistake me for a girl." "What will happen in a couple of days?" Mommy asked anxiously and there was this worried look on her face and on Audra's face as well. "I'm about to make an appointment to salon for haircut and my hair will be taken for charity. They need no less than ten inches so I guess the remaining buzz cut will be a proof of me being a boy." "You can't do that!" Audra exclaimed with her voice raised. "Why not?" Mommy asked. "She'd had started all this cheerleader business two months ago," Audra started explain Mommy with excitement, "she'd found sponsors, made agreement with PE teachers and school office. There were tryouts in December and the squad is ready, we need only the uniforms." "Hey hey wait a little," Mommy tried to calm Audra down, "who's she and why you need another cheerleader squad in your school?" "Sorry, she's Kurt," Audra said pointing at me, "and we have no one cheerleader in our school at the moment. Some years ago there were few consequent accidents in the squad and it was disembodied. Now our teams compete without cheering and they all are in last positions in the state. So Kurt gathered all information and started everything and she's sort a captain of the squad." "Are you all addressing Kurt 'she'?" Mommy asked. "Only during our practices and when we are as a squad," Audra said. "After my haircut will be done you may address me 'she' if you want. Other girls know who I am. I don't see a problem." "But we all expected you to be on squad... as a girl. And when you talk with possible sponsors it's much better they think you're the girl too." "I have a wig, matching your hair color," Mommy said, "temporarily it may be a solution while later your own hair will grow." It was a relief I couldn't expect. We both hugged Mommy. "We need your girl name to put on your uniform," Audra stated, "so we need to decide what it will be." "What name you girls are using?" Mommy asked. "None," Audra said, "simply 'she' and 'her' and sometimes Kurt but Kurt sounds wrong. Sorry Kurt. Maybe some other name could sound better but Kurt is kind of rugged." "I don't want to be a pusher," Mommy said, "but if you decide to take a girl's role you need a girl's name. It may seem like formality but the name will represent you no matter what will you feel. Name can't be partially male and partially female like Kumoni or Monkur. It has to be Kurt or Monica if you agree with my choice." I was pretty sure there it was the time for me to make a final decision. I was free to make a choice and I knew whatever it will be Mommy and Daddy will support me, Audra surely will support me too. For taking name Kurt and being a boy I would be supported by my anatomy and my current legal status while taking name Monica and being a girl I would be supported only by those I'd mentioned. I couldn't wait forever with my decision but once it would be made I will need struggle for the rest of my life. So what? Kurt? Monica? = - :: - = THE HEALTHY RUN AND AFTERWARDS Winter doesn't offer a lot of days suitable for running in Maine. I was used to take advantage of every good weather day for short or long runs depending on free time and my disposition. It was Saturday and weather was ideal for a run - a sunny day without a wind and I could run alone, while in winter there were no pervs and it was relatively safe to run alone, in summer I usually run with Will. I liked long distances at a low pace, usually I was making a mile in about ten minutes so a run to the lighthouse four miles away was taking an hour and a half including return. Running was a good physical exercise; helping improve not only my health but my endurance. Another advantage of the long run is possibility of meditation and not only in yoga sense while as reflection too. Running at the slow pace allows keep most muscles relaxed and all movements in kind of resonance. Saturday was the first day this year suitable for the run. I left my home at seven in the morning with the rising sun for my rambling. So, it was already six weeks after my attempt to escape home and life. The time was passing and I'd not sorted anything about me and my life. There was a shrink whom I was meeting three times a week who intended to help me sort my feelings regarding myself. He turned another direction when he was sure my only problem is a GID or gender identity disorder. So there were some tests done and he confirmed what was known that I'd passed my puberty spurt and there was no way to expect more significant masculinity in my life. Regarding my shape and breasts he said it was probably my diet which included a lot of flax seeds and soya and green tea with some relaxing herbs. He said it was "most probably". Who knows is that true or not. Then there was the problem of my not making a decision regarding my future appearance. He said I was more comfortable in female role sometimes, and sometimes in the male one. The problem was my environment was too friendly (?) to me and I wasn't forced to make the decision by myself. I was expecting mummy to say what's better for me while she'd said "I'll accept everything you decide." I meanwhile, didn't know what to decide. I have now some four hours for my musing and... I'm not sure will I make any decision or not. Becoming a girl, I'd need to reject my male habits and they are first a daily routine of male yoga that includes awakening at four in the morning, cold shower, some exercises then some meditation and then warm shower and ready for the new day at six. This routine helps to keep under control my male plumbing while when I was away for two weeks at summer camp I had to wake up only at six and no cold shower and no yoga and all this time I had a morning problem. Female yogini usually wakes up at five and then have a warm shower to make her skin soft and shape round. So for me switching to a female mode will be not an improvement. The second wasn't a habit rather the situation while I was officially male so everything official in my life was male. That was all I could think I was male - yoga and legal. If I pretend to stay a man for the rest of my life I'd have to reject everything girly in my life. First - dancing that's all sorts of jive, swing, twist square dance and line dance routine too. I can dance as a man just I don't know the male part so good nor I like it. The second - aerobics. Sure there are male aerobics sportsmen while again I don't know and don't like a male part of it. The third is cheerleading and it's not only personal while I'm a captain of the squad and I'm coaching other girls while there is no gym teacher volunteering to help us and I'm involved in fundraising for the squad. The fourth are my girly hobbies sewing and knitting. At least the fifth are my girl's clothes. I haven't a lot of them while there are mostly leggings (I'm actually wearing a pair of them while running). I prefer leggings to any sort of pants just I can't wear them all the time. I have some tops but I'm rather tomboyish. And there was just another thing - I didn't want to be man or to grow into the man. I didn't want to be a girl either though it was just a better alternative of being the man. I didn't know why I didn't want to be a man. I had nothing against men as a part of population. I was rather neutral to them. I simply didn't want to be one of them. Summarizing the female part of my life I had dancing, aerobics, cheerleading, sewing/knitting, leggings and my will. My anatomy has to be mentioned too - i.e. breasts, no facial hair, hips and waist ratio more than four to three, no Adam's apple and mezzo pitch. I don't wear any make up and now I'm completely bald after my hair donation and anyway I'm mistaken for a girl on regular basis. It seems that switching to a full time girl mode is the most proper alternative. But... I'd done some research on the net and there is no such law though it happens pretty often that effeminate boy who was mistaken for a girl very often turned to be an object of attacks by bigots after he announced his decision to be a girl and not only to be mistaken for one. Was there any solution for it? I didn't know. As reading on the net those boys and later girls almost all without any exception were something very special in one or even several areas so all of them had some support, they were demanded by society. I wasn't. I'm an average. I'm average in all areas - in learning (straight A though nothing special), in sports (I'm rather non-competitive and don't like team games though I'm useful sometimes in relay race) or home keeping and my social life is very limited. I don't have many friends and I'm not too popular to be protected when needed. And there's definitely no magic so I'd stand against all that bigotry by myself. "Hi pretty," the voice came from behind me and I squeaked. It was Will running by my side now. "You'll kill me one day," I said "and I'm not pretty while I'm bald." "Say it to the boys. Well Audra had said you are Monica now while almost everyone in the team was asking about a new girl." "What new girl?" I asked. "Are you a blonde in disguise?" Will replied. We ran in silence for a while and then he asked "Why Monica? I'm sure Courtney's more suitable." "Mummy said I had to be girl Monica while so happened and a boy was born daddy said the first name that had come to his mind and while he was reading Cat's cradle I became Kurt as Vonnegut." "Since when are you calling Aunt Angela Mummy? I'm sure she's Granny for you a while ago." "I have no real mother as you know," I said, "While she's always here for me, she's more than Granny. The name 'Mother' is much too official and is taken. So it's now Mummy and Daddy." "How's your Dad by the way?" "He's almost ok now and will have to spend more than a week at home, at least. He says hospital food's killing him." "I tried to find him in the hospital but I had no luck." "What have you to do in the hospital?" I asked puzzled. "Rudy's broke his leg and arm yesterday." "Oh my God!" I shrieked and stopped suddenly. Rudy's a junior and a captain of school's football team. He tried hard to make boys in the team train harder to end the sequence of constant loses. Last year they didn't win a single game. He was considering going to the army after school and apparently this trauma has broken his career. I felt my eyes were watering while I couldn't do anything with myself. "Why do you men keep most important news to yourself?" I shouted at Will. "Doctors are doing everything they can to help him," Will said calmly. "What will it change if you'd know it five minutes ago? I've called the hospital and nurse had said Rudy's surgery was ok and he's sleeping now. They expect him to wake up at three to five." I was wounded by Rudy's accident. It was so not right that someone, Rudy, had to suffer all that pain and fear. I know, I know, karma and all those things just I couldn't help myself to stop crying. I didn't want Will see my tears so I turned around and started to look for tissue in my jumper pockets but there was none and the only thing I could to do was to wait for tears to stop and wait for them to dry off. "Take it," Will offered me a small pack of tissues. I rubbed my eyes and blew my nose and handed him the pack back. "Keep it to yourself," Will offered. "We can go to the hospital together today or tomorrow. Rudy will be happy to see you. He fancies you." "Is he a gay?" I was stunned. "Of course he isn't!" Will frowned. "I don't understand then," I said, "I'm the dude like you and Rudy..." "Hold on Kurt. You are not. Okay, I've seen you nude and your sprout three years ago when we escaped our rents to the lake but I'm not sure it's the same thing as mine or any other boy's while now I see a girl. Others see the girl too. Audra announced you are Monica now in the nick of time while it's like your new identity after your hair has been shaved off." "So does everyone guess I'm a girl? Doesn't my opinion count?" "Why? Nobody asks my opinion whether I want to be a boy or not, so why you've to be so special?" "Because I have boy parts. I can show you." "No, no, no... Thanks a lot" Will threw his arms in the air. "Ok, I have to admit, I don't want grow into a man," I started. "So what's a problem?" "I'm not sure I want be a girl either." "We are friends ten years already so I'll help you solve your dilemma - you already are one and you don't need to make any decision." "Why thank you Sir," I said and chuckled. "You are welcome Ms. Mo-ni-ca!" Willy replied. "Will we turn home or continue to the lighthouse?" = - :: - = "Hey, mom, we're home," I yelled after Will and I entered the kitchen. "Is Willy with you?" I heard mummy's voice from the basement. "Yes it's me," Will said, "I've escorted her home safely." "Thanks Willy," mummy replied, "don't you want to take a shower in a spare bathroom?" "Sure I do, thank you Aunt Angela," Will replied. There was a rift in his parents' relations apparently and Will spent most of his time at our home. Meanwhile I told Mummy about Rudy's accident and considered making some food for him. Hospital was good, all doctors and nurses were excellent though food could be better for sure. "If it's a first his day after a surgery, I don't think he will eat anything no matter whether hospital or your food." Mom said. "Maybe his Mom will bring him something later so you need to talk to her first." Will was back in the kitchen and I was wondering how boys can to shower so quickly. "It's impossible," Will said. "What's impossible?" Mummy asked confused. "Rudy doesn't have a mom, while he does have his dad and three younger brothers," Will replied. "Five men and not a single female. They usually eat pizza once we are talking 'bout food." "So you have to talk to Rudy's Dad before you bring something to the hospital," Mom said. "By the way, I guess Rudy will be at home on Tuesday already. There is no need to heal a fracture in the hospital when there are no complications." "I think we'll know more after we visit him today," I said and went into the shower while Will went outside to Daddy's new garage. When showering I was glad again that I didn't have to shampoo and condition my hair. That let me spend less time in the shower. I wasn't as fast as Will, anyway. But he probably had his own recipe of fast showering. After the breakfast Will and Daddy went to his new garage again. Doctors recently prohibited Daddy from driving large trucks; so he decided to rearrange one of the two garages into a service garage. His dream for a long time had been to restore old automobiles. Mummy and I were readying to go to a retirement home as we did on every Saturday. Today was the name day of one older lady who was Polish and Mummy talked with her in that strange language. Mommy made a cake and I baked some butter cookies and we had a hyacinth in a pot which was ready to bloom in week or two. At the retirement home the older ladies and gentlemen once again were sure I was a girl. Just this time, Mummy said my name was Monica and she didn't even try to correct them that I was a boy named Kurt. Pani Agnieszka (Lady Agnes) and her friends were delighted by our cake and cookies. Ciocia Agnieszka (Aunt Agnes) appreciated the hyacinth very much. Although there were some plants in the pots mainly in common areas of the retirement home, the rooms occasionally had some cut flowers, but no plants in pots. Mummy and I returned home just in time for Will and me to go the hospital. After we found the room where Rudy was left after the operation I was surprised that only his youngest brother was there with him. Harold stood probably less than four feet at his age of nine. He was staring at me all the time Will and I were talking with Rudy, and that bothered me. As usual, I had no make-up and no jewelry and wore jeans and sweater. So maybe he was questioning who I was. Then he suddenly asked "Are you William's or Rudolf's girlfriend?" Rudy almost choked while I blushed deeply and Will chuckled. I looked at Will then at Rudy and then at Will again and Will evaded by saying "Monica and I are sort of siblings." I actually wasn't ready to become someone's girlfriend yet. "You know your bro is a captain of a football team so I'm sure every girl in the school wants be his girlfriend and Rudy probably has already a real beauty as his girlfriend," I tried bypass this touchy point. "Don't forget Monica we are a losers' team," Rudy said, "and all girls I fancy are in this room." "Don't beat around the bush, Rudy," Will said, "Monica apparently is a blonde in disguise." These words made me blush again and they laughed heartily and we were no longer in a sticky situation. We talked a little bit more and I said I'd return tomorrow. Harold asked when that would be because he wanted to meet me. After the hospital Will escorted me home before he went to see his parents, reconnaissance as he said. I found Mummy and Daddy readying for dinner. "Good, you are home in time," Daddy said. "It's my flair for finding food," I said. "This is ok, but we have to talk, too." "About what?" "About you, but after dinner." After dinner we settled in the kitchen with tea and the cookies I'd made in the morning. "You know, Angela and I met with your shrink yesterday," Daddy started. He always addressed Mummy by her name as well as Mummy addressed him Charles. "He said it's time for you to start testosterone blockers and some hormones if we want your body to develop healthily. The only thing we need is your decision. Otherwise, it's time for testosterone shots to kick start your development as a boy." "I'm not sure...," I started. "I see it and I know it's a girly thing to be not sure while men usually make their decision sometimes without thinking at all. To make my words more ponderable I'll tell you a story what happened to me three years ago. I was driving after sunset early one night somewhere in Tennessee and suddenly a man jumped in front of my truck. I could stop the truck fortunately, it was unloaded or otherwise... We spent the next night together and then another day. I was his confessor. Apparently he wanted to be a girl all his life entirely. When he was a boy he was seeing some shrink who said he needs to be eighteen to make a decision. The boy was short and skinny and he was mistaken for a girl. Then there was a late puberty spurt when he was seventeen and a year later he was already six and two and two hundred ninety pound square-built bloke. Nature had said everything it could say and no blockers, hormones, procedures and operations could turn him into a girl even an ugly one." "How is he now?" I asked. "I'd called him few times afterwards and in his words he's not living while he's surviving," Daddy said. I couldn't help it, but there were tears flowing from my eyes. "Now I see you," Daddy continued. "To be more exact I look at you and I see a girl changing into a young woman; not a boy changing into a man. I see not only your exterior but your mannerism and some signs that are deeper and they are truer. I see you can't make a decision by yourself so there is my decision: we go on Monday to the hospital for final tests and then we get all necessary shots and prescriptions for your development into a young healthy woman. I don't think your expression of doubt and hesitations express what you really want. This decision is final till the authorities or doctors will state otherwise. Period." I was shocked, really shocked. I looked at Mummy and she said "At last, you're Monica. The first thing to do is to buy you a bra. It's so unladylike to show nipples poking through your tee." "You're right. Monica does need a bra." I said "If everything else would be as simple as buying a bra..." "What do you mean?" asked Daddy. "Before now I was mistaken for a girl and it wasn't my problem. Since now I'll pretend to be the girl and represent myself as the girl. So if someone will be mistaken I'd need to take the responsibility. It would be fine but there are those parts I don't like on me and those parts will prove I'm not real, a fake... If I only could simply cut them off..." = - :: - = THE MEMORY LAPSE There was something wrong. I didn't know how much wrong but it was wrong. It was late in the morning. I usually woke up at four, which was twilight even in summer, while today the sun was well up. I wasn't in my room. Most likely I was in the hospital. I had not seen rooms painted with the same pale green as the one I was in. It's not a wrong color it just looked very cold. I didn't panic and that was really weird too. First things first, I hurried to the bathroom and received a shock - my boy parts were gone! I checked thoroughly - nothing boyish was left. Not that I complained. It's just that I wanted to be in control over all changes my body underwent. Let say I want to fly. Was it wise to wait for wings to appear suddenly one morning? What about breasts? Looking in the mirror I saw the same me. Breasts were almost the same I'd remembered them. But my hair was already almost two inches long and styled in something like a pixie cut. Was I unconscious more than four months? There were two simple studs in my ears. What else? Sure there was a single kanthi too. I ended striking the poses and making faces and practicing puppy dog eyes in the bathroom mirror. I went back to the room and looked out the windows. I was right! Trees were already with leaves and the ground was covered with elms' samaras. Apparently, it was late May or early June. There was a clock on the nightstand showing half past five so it would probably be another thirty minutes till someone would come to my room. Or I could go to lookup for someone. I was in a hospital gown with my back bare. No, I'd rather stay in the room. I checked the nightstand. There was nothing inside and just a clock on it. What did I remember? I did remember as I cut and donated my hair during the last week of January. What more? There was a counselor. My name was Monica. No, my name was Kurt. At home and for my friends, I was Monica. Later, Rudy was badly injured during their football team workout and ended up in the hospital... Stop! What about Rudy? I'd ask the nurses about him, they probably would know something. Well...I could wait sitting on the bed in silence or I could... Sure, I went back to the bathroom and showered. I examined myself once again and there were no injuries, no stitches, no swelling. There were only bruises just above my elbows and nothing more. Why I was here in the hospital then? Because of some kind of amnesia or something else? I patted myself dry and put the same gown on and went back to the room. Almost at the same moment I sat down on the bed, the nurse came in. "Good morning honey! How are you today?" she asked. "Good morning and thank you, I'm fine," I replied, "I just don't remember a thing about why I'm here." "I can't help you with your memory," she said, "you have to remember yourself without my or someone else's suggestion." "How long I'm here?" "This is already the fourth day." "I'm awaking up every day with the same memory lapse?" I asked. "Oh no! This is the first day you have been conscious to such a level to wake up and to shower by yourself." "Why I am here?" "Sorry, honey," the nurse said, "I can't help you. Take those," she handed me three pills. "Can you give me something to read?" "I'm sorry, I can't," she said. "There will be your counselor after the breakfast, maybe your parents and maybe some of your friends and you'll work through this. I'm really sorry I can't you tell more." "May I ask about one of your patients?" "Sure, why not." "Rudolf Beren, he fractured his hand and his leg in late January. Is he ok?" "Oh yes, sure he is," she said with a wide grin on her face. "Well, take your medicine. I'll be back shortly with your breakfast." She watched me to make sure that I swallowed the pills before she bustled out of the room. I expected her to come back an hour later, but she was back in almost fifteen minutes with a tray that held scrambled eggs with bacon and orange juice on it. "Thank you," I said to her, "I'm sorry but I'll take only the juice because I'm vegetarian." "Yes, I know," she said, smiling at me. "I had to check how much you remember. I'll bring you some cereals if that is okay." "Oh sure that would be fine. Thanks a lot." I replied. "May I change into something more decent?" "That doesn't depend on me," nurse said, "but I'll ask the doctor when I'll see him." She was back shortly with a bowl and a selection of cereals and I enjoyed my usual meal. Another hour later, my counselor came to my room and we talked a little. Rather, I talked about what little I remembered and what I wanted to know. Eventually, he explained that I had to remember by myself because his or someone else's words could be treated as a suggestion and not my real memory. "Have I done something illegal?" I asked. "No comment," he said, like officials were always saying to the press and I had a suspicion of something very bad. "I've asked your friend Audra Larsen to come," he said. "I expect that talking with her will help you more than just trying to remember." That was good. I mean that Audra was about to come. It could be any other girl from our cheerleader squad but Audra was the best. She was my BFF. That's "Best Friend Forever". We were friends for almost forever or rather already five years since we were in middle school. I was friends with Willy too and our friendship lasted even more and we had that special blood oath to stand for each other no matter what. Willy said once we were kind of siblings. I could talk with Will too and it was okay to talk with him. Talking with boys was sort of different from talking with girls. There was a feeling that, sometimes, boys and we were talking different languages. Wait a minute... Who "we"? Was I a girl? Maybe... I didn't have the boys plumbing anymore that I remembered having few months ago. So maybe I really was a girl now. Thank God I didn't need to choose who I am. I didn't have to pretend being a boy anymore. It was almost noon when Audra came to my room. After all the pleasantries and hugs, I asked her, "So what about Rudy? The nurse just said he's okay and nothing more." "What? The first thing you ask is about Rudy. Oh girl! You really are Rudy's..." "... new bitch?" I said by surprise to myself. We gasped both and I hid my face in my hands. Then I started to tell her what I was suddenly remembering. - - - - I saw myself passing the abandoned Miller's storehouses. "Monica!" I heard someone calling from behind me. I stopped and turned around. There were three boys from our school. "So you are Rudy's new bitch?" one of the boys asked, I wasn't sure though I guessed his name was Tim, he was a junior, the same grade as Rudy. Other two were Ron and Sid, both of them were seniors. "No, she isn't," Tim said, "she's a boy, a fag, a sissy." Oh shit! It was already too late to run away, I was surrounded by them and Sid was suddenly holding my arms tightly behind me. "Aha!" Ron said, "let see what pissy this sissy has!" They all laughed loudly. "What a bad boy deceiving the school and the town!" Tim cried out. "Let's show his fraud to others." Tim was filming me on his smart phone while Ron tore my pants down. "Please, stop it," I begged, "let me go, please..." That made them laugh even harder. "Sure we will let you go," Tim said, "just after we show the world your fraud and you serve us properly. You have to atone for your guilt." Ron pulled my panties down and they all hushed. They didn't expect to see a girl's pussy with no sign of a penis, the panties and a sanitary pad soaked in blood. "Oh shit!" Tim exclaimed in a low voice, "the bitch is real and she's on her period." "She has a head to serve us," Sid said forcing me to kneel down while Ron unzipped his pants and pulled his already hardened penis out. I dodged my face to avoid touching Ron's penis. "You've served the entire football team so why not serve us!" Tim snorted. "We're from the same school so be kind to us bitch." He kicked me hard in the solar plexus and I gasped. Then there was a scream I'd never heard before. As I raised my eyes and through tears still welling over, I saw Harold, a kind of palsy had seized him. A moment later, his dad was appearing from around the storehouse. I fainted before Sid released me. - - - - I was crying my eyes out while Audra tried to soothe me. She had called the nurse who gave me another pill and a glass of water. I felt the dirt on my face and on my arms where they had touched me. I knew I had showered just a couple of hours ago but the only thing I wanted to do was to wash again and again. "Had I to remember THIS?" I asked my counselor after he came back almost an hour later. "This too," he said, "and everything that has happened to you in the past four months. I guess the rest will come back smoother without such stress." He left me with Audra again and we talked about what I'd remembered. Obviously, Audra must have been coached by the doctor about how to help me. "You said them seeing you on your period," Audra said. "Try to focus on that." "There can't be any," I said, "if I was born a boy. I was. I remember my boy parts." "So what about it?" Audra urged me. "I remember pushing something inside me... uh... how it to say properly..." "Pushing a dilator into your vagina," Audra said. "How do you know?" "You've whined to me about it a couple of times," she replied with a smirk. "Have I? WHINED?!" "Yes, you have. You have become such a girl lately," she said 'girl' like she was talking about little spoiled child. "Ok, back to your memories." "Well. It was Saturday..." - - - - Today was Rudy's youngest brother Harold's birthday and I'd promised to help to arrange the feast. That would be later, but now... The first thing to do was my weekly chore to dilate my vagina. It was good that it was weekly not daily as it was just after the surgery. I'd lubricated the stent and pushed it inside for almost a half an hour. When the time came to pull the stent out I lubricated the edges of my vagina again and turned the stent a little and then gently pulled it out. There it was again - the blood. Not a lot of it but it was there anyway. I had to turn the stent from time to time to avoid letting it stick. My vagina was so sensitive that pushing the stent was a nightmare not to say turning it when it was inside. Another problem was that bleeding wouldn't to stop for a while. It wasn't the first time so I simply put a pad into my panties and made a mental note to put some pads into my purse. - - - - "Yeah... I've remembered so much without any effort," I said. "Don't digress," Audra reminded me, "you haven't remembered the full day yet." "Don't push me, I'm trying," I complained. "And you say you aren't such a GIRL?" Audra chuckled. - - - - I dressed in my favorite colors - shamrock green and yolk yellow, that was yellow wide Aladdin pants with green cami and green flats. My hair was already modeled into a pixie cut before so I simply brushed it neatly. I wore no makeup as usually and from jewelry I had only diamond studs in my ears and a single kanthi. Mummy had driven me to the Beren's home at two so we had a plenty of time to make all the needed preparations. Fortunately, the house was tidied up already by the squad before. All those preparations and especially a pizza party was a great attraction for boys. Every one of them had made his own pizza while we were expecting ten boys to attend Harold's birthday party and Mr. Beren should be home any minute now. We were ready exactly for the time of the first guests arriving. - - - - "What's next?" Audra asked after I paused. "I feel something rotten will be next..." "You have to go through it," Audra said, "you have to. I'll be here with you. Go on please." - - - - After all the guests had arrived and the boys were with their friends in the dining room and in the backyard all busy making their own pizzas, I'd served a tea for Rudy and me. Mr. Beren came home while we were sipping our tea in the kitchen. "Hey kids," he greeted, "have you a cuppa for me?" I made him a cup of earl grey tea, his favorite, as he suddenly turned to Rudy, "Leave us alone, please." We both were astonished while Rudy obeyed his Dad's request and left the kitchen. "How do I say this?..." Mr. Beren started. "I know you are a man, a young man. Err... I see you as a very special person by the way, uh-hu..., err... but you have to understand me as a father too. Err... I'm concerned about my boys. Well... Rudy's already big and he can take care of himself. There are three youngsters... So... I don't know your real motives and intentions. Err... I don't say you are molesting them while I haven't caught you red handed. But I'm not sure about you... " "I suppose you don't expect me to set myself right," I said. Mr. Beren shrugged. "You could have waited for Harold to blow out his candles but it's your choice. Please excuse the boys for me." I turned around and left the house. I wanted run away and cry but I didn't want to show the boys in the backyard that something was wrong. I left the house, turned left to Miller's storehouses and headed home. What a weird ending for my friendship with the Beren's family. I was sorry for the boys but I was helpless to change things. What could I do to prove otherwise - pull my pants down? I'd never hidden that I was a boy when I had all my boys' parts and even after that accident and the surgery I was sure I was rather androgynous than girly. There were only two places when I was more girl than a boy and in both cases it was behind closed doors. That's dance and cheer practices. Even at the pep rally when other girls presented their selves in new uniforms I was wearing tee and pants in school colors but not the uniform. My underwear was rather girly but it's UNDERwear. Good things don't last forever, both for boys and for me. It was good thing that I'd showed them how to do everything I'd done so they... "Monica!" I heard someone calling from behind me... - - - - I'd remembered all that day as if it was today. I mean everything, not only all details, but emotions too. Fear, anger, scorn, indignity and disdain overwhelmed me. Were all the other days of those four months the same? The counselor came to my room again and he said it was enough memories for one day. The good news was that he promised to let me go home the next day if everything went smoothly for the rest of the day and the night. The day wasn't over yet and I had another visitor - an officer from the police. She wrote everything I'd remembered about what happened to me on Saturday. She said the case would be most probably not about the rape attempt but rather about child pornography and that would prevent me from having to testify in court, which was usually the most unpleasant moment for rape victims. Apparently, all three boys were over eighteen and Tim had sent the images and movie with me to his tumbler account. Everything was deleted shortly by the staff, but they didn't say if those images were downloaded or not. I guessed it wasn't a problem to find out while the staff cared about the privacy of their customers. I was left alone at four o'clock. No more visitors were planned while I was supposed to try to remember those four months by myself. It was good that Audra had given me a notebook and a pen so that I could make notes about key moments I might remember. The first key moment that I couldn't remember the town I was born in. Our family moved to Foxstone when I was less than a year old. I could remember the town's name started with a 'B', but it wasn't Boston. I just remembered mummy and I were driving through this town and mummy had shown me the school where my physical parents met and it was kind of a modern white two storey building with large windows. I remembered it very well 'cause it was very different to my school - three storey red bricks building with relatively narrow while high windows. Another thing I started to remember clearly was Easter or rather a few days before it. - - - - I was at the Beren's home dressed in plain leggings and tee and a bandana on my head. I was wearing a pair of yellow rubber gloves too. The younger boys were sorting out their winter clothes to go to the attic and bringing down the ones for spring and summer. At exactly this moment, I'd caught Rudy trying to escape the house. "So where are you heading now?" I tried hard to sound stern. "I'm going to meet the boys for a workout." "On Easter Friday? Are you kidding?" "Why not? We are leaving tomorrow to visit Aunt Melanie anyway." "Leaving your home a pigsty?" "It's almost clean after the squad managed the general maintenance two weeks ago," Rudy whined. "'Almost' isn't the word to talk about cleaning. The home can't be 'almost clean' - it's dirty or it's clean. You know what your duty is, don't you?" "Yes I do ma'am," Rudy said and started to vacuum his dad's room. - - - - Somehow I did know that while cleaning the Beren's house I still was a boy or to be more correct, I still had my boy parts. That wasn't very important. The most incredible moment of Holy Week were younger boys (Harold, Thomas and George) volunteering at the retirement home to help the residents to colour Easter eggs. I'd solved two problems at once. The residents were able to paint their eggs and they had an audience for their know-how. The boys were able to learn to help and they had their own Easter eggs. Both parties were extremely happy afterwards. What I remembered very clearly was that I didn't fancy Rudy. He wasn't my boyfriend. I'd seen him as a kind of duty 'cause he was injured and needed help and there was no one who could take care of him. Much more important than helping Rudy were his three younger brothers - Harold was nine, twins Thomas and George were eleven. Their mom had gone when Harold was seven months old so the three boys didn't remember their mom and they were really motherless kids. The only woman in their lives was Aunt Melanie who lived near Chicago and they visited her once or twice a year. Then Rudy was injured and there I was, definitely not a boy fancied by their elder bro. No, I wasn't a surrogate mom, I rather was an only non-male around them. Trying to remember everything about Easter, I felt that there was something very special, very important. After Daddy had had his health issues in winter, afterwards he arranged a kind of hippo therapy or in common words horse riding to improve his heart's rhythm. I was riding with him too. I remembered his horse was an elder draft horse named Signal while mine was a retired police mare named Liberia. We were riding three times a week on Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturdays. The last time I remembered riding Liberia was on Saturday, the day before Easter. - - - - I was on Liberia and daddy on Signal beside me. We were riding on a walking pace. "I'll go to the left because I need a more stable ride," daddy said. "You go to the right. The trees don't have leaves yet so there will be no problems in the woods for you." I turned right and Liberia was passing some trees with low branches while I could clearly see them and avoid hitting my head. I noticed something long black and shiny on the ground and Liberia suddenly jumped to the left and something bumped into my head. I couldn't say what it was later. I was unconscious, most probably for some time, because the next thing I remembered I was in the car with trainer holding my head on her lap while the stable owner was driving the car. Then I fainted again and then another moment that was similar but waiting in the hospital's ER. - - - - I definitely wasn't at home for Easter. I remembered the fact that I was injured, but my head was not the part that was wounded the most. I didn't remember what exactly happened after I was concussed while riding Liberia. When I was in the hospital, the doctors' main concern were damages in my groin. I got to know this after the surgery was over while all the time before it I was unconscious. Anyway, I left the hospital as Monica Ursula Magill. There was the moment that stuck in my memory by the way. My stay in the hospital didn't last long and I was released just before the spring break ended. As I was at home, afterwards I'd asked daddy when we would go horse riding again and he said, "You don't need a lottery ticket after you've grabbed a jackpot." - - - - A day of remembrance was coming to the end. There were a bunch of moments, events and emotions to recollect while the key moments were still in the back of my mind. I did know who I was and who I wasn't at least. - - - - I was in the same hospital room as before and I knew why I was here now. I was here to remember what had happened to me in the last four months. So far I'd recalled few basic moments - I was injured while horse-riding the day before Easter which had resulted in loss of my boy parts. Two months later, I was pronounced Persona non grata by Mr. Beren at his home and right after I had left the Beren's, I'd been assaulted by three bullies from my school and ended up in the hospital. That's what happened in general. I didn't sleep as soundly as I was expected to do because various thoughts kept coming into my head again and again. The day before that fateful Saturday, we had a pep rally in our school 'cause the football game was planned for that Sunday. The girls were wearing the new uniform which had been made by themselves and other girls in their Home Economics classes. Our football team hadn't won a single game in more than a year and the whole cheerleading squad idea was aimed to raise school spirit and help our boys to win. Victory then would raise school spirit itself even more. So... I was in the hospital now, a few days after the planned game and I still didn't know how that game had ended. Another no less important question was about Mr. Beren's boys. I didn't know what Mr. Beren had said to them and how his words were taken. The last question was how others had responded to my assault. By 'others' I mean the squad and the football team, the Beren boys and Mr. Beren, students, and teachers. I felt almost guilty for those boys that I had somehow ruined their lives. If they had some plans for their future, those plans were gone after few minutes of stupidity. And now their future didn't even depend on me or my willingness to forgive them or not. I fell asleep about dawn. - - - - "Wake up sleepyhead," someone gently shook my shoulder. I ripped open my eyes. Yeah, I was in the hospital and was being awakened by the nurse. "Another day is waiting for you," she said and left the room. I jumped out of bed and hurried to the bathroom. Boy or girl, a full bladder is a question to be answered first every morning. The shower followed and, again, I used a bar soap for my hair 'cause there was no shampoo in the bathroom. I didn't complain while my hair was short and soap was fairly good for it. When I finished, the nurse was already waiting for me in the room with my medicine and some cereals for my breakfast. All nurses and this one too, would grin in my presence. I remembered nurses as being no-nonsense while I would visit my daddy in this same hospital last winter. "I have a feeling somehow that all the nurses I've met here are familiar with me," I said. "Sure we are," the nurse replied, "you were attending your boyfriend everyday for almost two months. You were feeding him and his brothers and warming their food in the microwave oven that's in the nurses' station. So sure, you're like one of us now." "He isn't my boyfriend," I said. "Oh you poor little soul! Most of men are that," she said, "don't worry, you're young yet. You'll meet your prince one day." Sure Rudy wasn't my boyfriend. He wasn't 'that' by the way. I merely didn't fancy him or anyone else. I wasn't sure I needed a prince at all. The only fellow boy was Will but he said once we were kind of siblings. The next person who came to see me was the doctor. I was sure that she was not a visitor. "I want to ascertain one thing," she started, "I'm wondering about the blood on your panties. There was no evidence of the rape on your lower body and no traces of semen on your pants and panties." "I have to dilate my vagina with the stent every week," I said, "I was keeping the stent for almost thirty minutes and it adhered, so while removing it, I tore some skin off. Every time I use the stent it happens the same way." "Haven't your doctor told you to use a condom on the stent?" Doctor asked. I shook my head. "Buy ones that are labeled 'Extended pleasure' and they will not adhere," she said. "I'm curious about what you've said regarding rape. Are there some evidences of the rape on my upper body?" I asked. "Oh yes, there are some," she said, "we've found multiple traces of semen on your tee and somewhere else..." "Where else?" "On your face." "That's impossible!" I almost shrieked. "Why not?" "None one of them jerked off when I was still conscious and I fainted after rescue arrived and, later, I did remember waking up four days after it happened here in the hospital." "Did you tell this to the police officer who interviewed you?" doctor asked. "No, I didn't. I just realized that I knew the answer to the question she asked," I replied. I was confused now. Previously, I was sure that all legal actions would be pursued without my participation mainly 'cause sexual assault couldn't be implied. Now the situation was different because there was semen as evidence. The good news was that the doctor discharged me from the hospital and I would be free to go when mummy came with clothes for me. After the doctor left, the next in line was my counselor. "You don't have to try to remember what happened after you fainted," he said. "I'm not a lawyer, but you have to say only what you have experienced while your thoughts and expectations can't be used as testimony." After he left, mummy was there with Audra. "I've signed all the papers," mummy said, "so change quickly and we can go." "Oh girl, again those drab clothes," whined Audra, looking at the clothing my mother had brought along. "I've already paid for trying to be a girl," I replied. If I tried to look like the girl I was, I was just asking for more trouble. "That's not your fault hon," mom said, hugging me. "You haven't paid and you haven't been punished. Assault is a crime no matter what or who the victim is." "Be the girl you are at least," Audra said. "It always pays to be yourself." "I am," I said, "who will claim that I'm not me?" "You know what I mean," Audra complained, "I'm already sick of your tomboy phase. It's time for you to grow up, isn't it? By the way, I'm curious about you insisting upon a traditional shirt and skirt uniform." "Calm down," I replied, "everything has its own time. I promise I'll put on my uniform for the next game. Cheerleading is a social action not personal." "Not kidding?" "I said that I promised. When the next game will be?" "Oh shit... I'm sorry Aunt Angela. In August. It's not fair..." "I didn't know. By the way, how did the last game end?" There was no answer just two thumbs up and Audra's grin from ear to ear. "Vic-to-ry! We won! Can you imagine? WE WON!" I had mixed feelings. We had won the game at least and it felt great. It was really great. It was a result of almost a year of hard work. But I was not there as a cheerleader or a spectator. I felt like I could cry. "Willy has told some of the boys that they should ask you for a date," Audra added, "and now that we've won a game you're the team's hero." "I even wasn't at the game," I said again sadly. - - - - It was already four when we got home. After few words with daddy, we separated each to their own spaces - daddy went to his garage, mummy had her yoga class in half an hour, while Audra and I went upstairs to my room. "What did everyone else have to say in the school?" I asked. "Most were shocked by the assault and not the fact you're a girl." "How did they know about the girl part? Those three are under arrest I guess." "Yes, they are," Audra confirmed, "though Timothy Sanders had recorded your rape on his smart phone and uploaded it on the fly to some social site..." "Tumbler," I said as I knew from the police officer. "Yeah, and later the same day that movie was removed but some stills were around for a couple of days." "So everyone could see me dishonored?" I was fighting back the tears. "Settle down, it's not so bad," Audra soothed me. "I can't say who has seen those pictures," she said. "There was the rumor around school that someone somewhere has seen pictures with you and that you are no doubt real. A girl I mean." My surgery at spring break had been relatively discrete. I was back at school together with other students on Monday. The fact that I was in the hospital was known only to my close friends and the girls from cheer squad while the knowledge of surgery itself shared with just Audra and Willy. Speak of the devil and he's sure to appear. There was a knock on the door and Audra ushered Willy into my room. "Why are you knocking?" I asked. "You even have keys." "I was afraid of frightening you," he said. "You're watching too much TV," Audra chuckled. "I don't think that a rape is an everyday experience," he retorted. "Calm down you two," I said "How are you?" Willy asked. "I see you're better since you're at home. When will you be back to the school?" "I guess on Monday. I have to go down to the police office tomorrow morning with mom. Afterwards, I have a counselor appointment." "Haven't the police questioned you already?" Willy asked with a frown. "There was a police officer who talked with me and she asked a lot of questions. But, after I'd talked with my doctor the next day, there was something police either didn't know or didn't want me to know." "What this all is about?" Will asked. "I don't think I can tell you," I said, "maybe doctor said too much to me, I'm not sure." - - - - I did remember. Everything. I'd rather forget it again. No one expected me to remember this so I'll never remember it, at least officially. When someone is punished he isn't punished alone, there are parents, siblings, friends, lovers etc. who take non-assigned part of the punishment and that's informal, that's very real and very painful. So I'll rather forget it forever. = - :: - = I'll rather forget it forever to be able to live my new life. FIN