A van full of football hooligans
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HAPPY HOOLIGAN
(c) 2014, 2018 by Anthony Durrant
As my plane touched down at the trading post, I got my duffle bag and
unfastened my safety belt, then I climbed out and headed into the
trading post, where I was greeted by its owner and proprietor, my twin
brother Montmerecy.
"It's so good to see you again, my dear Happy!" Montmerecy cried as the
two of us embraced.
"Glad to hear it!" I replied. "As you know, I am on the trail of a lost
tribe somewhere in the African savanna, in an area located deep in the
heart of Africa."
"I have your things ready for you, brother mine!" he replied, then
handed me a backpack that he'd filled with the necessities of life out
there on the savannah.
"Thanks, Montmerecy!" I said as I put on the backpack, kissed my brother
goodbye on the forehead, and then headed out into the jungle using my
machete to cut down the vines that were choking the trail. Eventually,
I found my way to a fallen palm tree, where I dug a pit and then placed
an ACME emergency fire can in it.
After lighting that fire, I soon had some lovely roasted bacon hanging
on a rack above the flames, and as I ate my supper, I unrolled my
sleeping bag and curled up inside it, knowing that the ACME emergency
fire was designed to burn itself out within the space of a few hours.
"Now I'll just sleep off my jet lag!" I said as I put my head on my
orthopedic pillow - only to be rudely awakened a few hours later by a
spear jabbing into my hand!
Around me were warriors of the very tribe I was seeking for! They
quickly took me prisoner, tied me to a stake by my hands and wrists, and
carried me through the jungle and into the savannah. When we arrived at
their village, the natives untied me and forced me to enter the
Chieftain's hut.
"My name is Happy Hooligan, and I am a trader and explorer!" I told the
chieftain. "I've come in search of your people, in hopes that you know
where to find my missing brother, Dr. Augustus Hooligan, who vanished
along with a party of volunteer doctors some two years ago."
I spoke in Swahili and was pleasantly surprised when the chieftain spoke
in that same language:
"No, I do not know where your unfortunate brother is, and I care nothing
about him, Professor Hooligan. Neither, however, can I let you leave
the village again. Instead, you are sentenced to spend your life in the
service of our noble goddess Meta. My guards will take you to Meta's
temple, where you will begin your training in Meta's service."
The Chieftain's personal guards escorted me to the village temple and
forced me to walk inside. There, they tore off all my clothes and took
away my backpack, leaving me naked until the women joined forces to garb
me in the solemn robes that they themselves were wearing. I asked in
Swahili:
"Could you please tell me what to do next?"
"Since it is morning," one of them replied, "we bathe the goddess with
water from the sacred spring that the temple was built around, that she
may be dewy fresh and clean again."
With the help of the women, I carried the statue of the goddess to the
spring, where we placed it carefully in the water and used squares of
lion hide coatedot be in a special soot to remove the dirt on the
statue's "skin," then removed her from the water, dried her off, dressed
her in a white robe, then placed her back on the pedestal, on the
special chair in which she usually sat.
"She's beautiful!" I said, and one of the girls smiled.
"Yes," she said, "she is that indeed, and who would not be ashamed to
worship such a beautiful goddess, Hooligan?"
"You know who I am?" I asked the girl, who replied:
"I was one of the members of your brother's expedition."
"What happened to him?" I asked quietly, and she said:
"I don't know."
"Do we have to do any more for Meta?" I asked quietly, and she said:
"Not now. But later, Meta will go on her rounds throughout the village,
and visit some of the huts, then have her evening meal with the
chieftain and his family."
"Oh, no!" I cried. "Montmerecy, our other brother, will be on his back
laughing like a loon when he hears about this!"
"Then let's not tell him, shall we?" she replied, and I said with a
smile on my face:
"Let's not!"
***
As it was, it took about an hour to make the rounds of the village,
because we entered several huts in order to bless a new arrival, or to
heal someone stricken with illness. Eventually, we brought Meta into
the chieftain's hut, where we set her down and then backed out of the
hut. After supper, we picked Meta up and took her back to the temple,
where we ate the food the chieftain had given us for dinner. The girls
escorted me to the temple sleeping area, where I lay down on a bed and
curled up under a palm leaf blanket. I was unable to sleep, however,
because I heard a human voice singing off in the distance. I couldn't
hear what the person was saying, but the voice was that of a male
baritone. Event-ually, I went to sleep, and woke up the next morning
feeling refreshed and relaxed. As we bathed Meta in the spring, I heard
that song again, only to realize the singer was closer and I could hear
his song's lyrics much more clearly:
"Sur le point D'Avignon,
L'on y dancer, l'on y dancer-"
And then I responded:
"Sur la point D'Avignon,
L'on y dancer, tu ca rond!"
"That was Gus's favourite ditty when he was a boy!" I cried. "He's
trying to tell me he's alive and well!"
"Just wash the goddess's feet, will you?" one girl retorted, and I did
my assigned task and cleaned Meta's feet.
"I wish I knew how to cope in this damn temple!" I said to myself as I
helped the girls reclothe and place Meta back on her chair on the altar.
It was then that a sweet voice spoke to me in my mind:
"Become love?" I cried. "How?"
But there was no answer.
As usual, we had salad for lunch, with Meta presiding over the meal, and
then took Meta on her daily rounds. Today, however, I heard a woman
weeping and followed the sound to one of the huts. There, I found one
of the hunters lying on his back and immediately started performing
artificial resuscitation. Eventually, as I thumped down on his chest,
the man gave a great gasp and then brought up what looked like some sort
of plant he'd been eating. After I returned to Meta, the voice said:
"Thank you, Happy Hooligan - a human life has always been very, very
precious to me and my people."
When Meta reached the chief's hut, we brought her inside and placed her
in front of the chief in her special chair. He smiled at me and said:
"Thank you for saving my little brother's life! Meta told me that you
showed compassion toward him and saved his life. Therefore, she has
told me to promote you to the status of a full priestess, Montmerecy
Hooligan, that you may continue in your service to her."
The girls grabbed me and held me down while the chief brought over a
bowl containing a green viscous fluid and force-fed it to me despite my
protests that I was not my brother Montmerecy. The fluid tasted
terrible and went down even worse. Pain wracked my stomach and spread
throughout my whole body, growing so intense that I eventually
succumbed to the darkness. When I came to, the pain was gone, and I
rose shakily to my feet again. The chief cried:
"Congratulations, Priestess Nabonga! You've passed a greater test than
I or Meta could ever have given!"
All I could say to that was:
"Thank you, Chieftain, for your kindness!"
As we took Meta back to the temple after supper, I began to wonder why
the chieftain was angry with Montmerecy, so I asked one of the other
girls quietly:
"What has the chieftain got against my brother, Montmerecy Hooligan,
that he condemned me to serve the goddess?"
"He holds you responsible for the loss of Meta's favourite possession -
a golden headband made for her by an early chieftain of our people,
which you stole many years ago."
"MONTMERECY!" I shouted angrily, then told the other girl in my musical
voice:
"That wasn't me - I'm Professor Happy Hooligan. Montmerecy is my twin
brother!"
"You are Priestess Nabonga now and forever - and you had better make
peace with that if you want to stay sane." she replied.
"I guess I'll have to do that from now on!" I cried.
And then I wiped the dirt off the goddess's face.
***
A few days later, while we were taking Meta on her daily rounds, we came
across a party from a neighbouring tribe, the Danae, whom I'd had
dealings with before on an earlier expedition. Their leader entered the
chieftain's hut, and I could hear them conversing in Swahili. It was
obvious that their topic was the raids:
"I tell you, the white man has been robbing both our people blind!" the
emissary said. "If it hadn't been for Tabu the Jungle Wizard, we'd have
lost the Chief's regalia. As it is, the raiders managed to escape with
the Chief's staff alone - and that has earned her a lot of anguish and
pain. The staff must be found and returned to the Chief before she is
forced to abdicate."
As soon as Meta's round's had been completed, I and the other
priestesses took her to the Chief's hut and set her down on the floor
before leaving the hut.
"My brother is Tabu the Jungle Wizard?" I cried, and at that moment a
howl split the air and the raiders charged into the village on
horseback.
They were natives, members of a group of warriors from an outlawed
tribe, and all of them wielded spears. The villager's warriors fought
back, as did the other priestesses, and even I grabbed a spear from the
House of Meta and joined the battle. Just as we seemed to be losing the
fight, a man's voice shouted:
"Stop this raid at once or feel my wrath!"
It was Gus's voice - I'd know it anywhere - but that voice was stronger
and deeper than usual. My suspicions were confirmed when a tall
muscular man suddenly appeared on the limb of a baobab tree just outside
the village. It was my little brother Gus!
"I am Tabu, the jungle Wizard!" he cried. "If you do not vacate this
area immediately, I will be forced to use my powers to drive you out of
this village!"
"GUS!" I shouted. "It's me - your brother Happy!"
"Not anymore, mon chere!" Gus replied in a softer tone of voice. "I am
now Tabu, the Jungle Wizard, and my life is dedicated solely to the
pursuit of jungle justice! And you are now Nabonga, the new priestess
of Meta!"
Suddenly, I realized both he and the chief were right: my life had
changed forever, and there was no going back to who we once were - and
that I was the one needing to change. Realizing the error of my ways, I
smiled at my proud brother and, after the raiders had fled, asked him:
"Then why have you come here today?"
"Because a vessel from outer space has crashed into a thicket of the
jungle!" he replied. "You're a fully rated doctor, Happy, so I need you
to go with me and help those in distress!"
"Willingly!" I replied, and then Tabu helped me to get on the back of an
elephant and head toward the crash site after the Chieftain had given
his consent.
There, we found the vessel lying useless and broken among a thicket of
palm trees.
"The hatch has broken open in the crash," I told Tabu, "and all of these
people are members of the Space Force - see their uniforms? Moreover,
not all of them are human - several of them are Maphooz and Nebulans!"
I rushed over to the injured woman I'd spotted as we'd entered the
clearing and asked her:
"How did you come to crash on this planet?"
"We're a plague ship," she replied, "carrying the victims of a plague on
Ourobouros Two back to Earth for emergency medical treatment. On the
way down, we were forced to jettison our fuel and crash the vessel into
this rainforest deliberately!"
Realizing the plague victims needed my help, I hurried into the wrecked
vessel itself and entered the sickbay. There, I found the plague
victims in hibernation except for three on the sickbay pallets, one of
whom was a slender blonde girl. I called up their digital charts and
discovered that these three people had been singled out because their
blood had read as being Umgullian rather than human, although they were
clearly both genetically and anatomically human; apart from them, the
list of patients revealed that everyone else affected was still in
stasis. When I called Tabu into the room, the girl spotted him, despite
the fact that she was in pain and delirious, and looked directly into
his eyes, then asked:
"You... look familiar... are you... me?"
"No, I'm Tabu the Jungle Wizard!" he replied, and the girl said:
"If I'm not you... then... I must be the fellow whose reflection I can
see up above me on the ceiling. I'm... Hercules!"
She strained against the pallet's restraints and snapped them easily.
Rising to her feet, she grabbed part of the railing and tore it from its
mountings, then ran through the circular door and out into the jungle,
where we followed her. We tracked the confused girl to an area where a
huge baobab tree was growing. She was using the broken piece of railing
to snap off branches, then using a flaming branch to light the stumps on
fire. As we came up to the girl, we heard her say:
"Take that, you filthy Hydra, you! And that, and that, and that! Once
I cut off all of your heads, and bury the immortal head, you'll never be
able to trouble Lernea's people again!"
"STOP!" Tabu cried, and the girl cried:
"Not until the Hydra's vanquished!"
Enraged, Tabu ran over to her and knocked her out, then used water from
a gourd he carried with him to douse the various fires on the tree. I
knelt beside her and watched as she came to.
"Wh-where am I?" she asked, and I said:
"I am Nabonga, and your vessel has crash-landed on Earth, Ms.-"
"I am Princess Aliciana!"
"One of the Three!" I cried, and she replied:
"We are generally called that, yes."
"What were you doing on Ourobouros Five?"
"Completing an assignment!" she replied. "One of my retainers, Jonothon
Lorrimer, came up with the idea of being injected with the plague and
being placed among the victims to escape that planet for good.
Unfortunately, the result was that we were singled out as anomalies and
were kept out of stasis for the full journey back to Earth."
Now that Aliciana had recovered, we brought her back to the crashed
vessel, where she told three of the other officers still on the site:
"My retainers and I have seen this disease before, it's been following
us from assignment to assignment lately. In fact, we had to go back to
Ourobouros Five when we heard of the outbreak there, to help with the
medical evacuation."
"Have you any idea how to treat it?" an officer asked, and Aliciana
replied:
"No, I'm afraid I don't know how to treat it."
A slender man then staggered out of the ship, and Aliciana ran over to
him and cried:
"Jon! Jon! Can you hear me?"
But Jon Lorrimer was singing:
"Alhouette, je te Alhouette,
Alhouette, je te plumerai..."
Aliciana slapped Jon on the face and cried:
"Jon! Jon! Snap out of it! JON!"
"Where am I?" he asked in a raspy voice: clearly, he'd been affected in
some way, though his alien immune system had allowed him to recover
rapidly. Looking at Aliciana, he told her:
"We did it, babe - we're on earth again!"
"Yes, but at a terrible cost!" he replied, and she asked him:
"Stumblefoot?"
"He's still out of it - and restrained."
"That's too bad!" she replied.
At that moment, a gunshot rang out, and my brother Montmerecy rode up to
the crash site in his tatterered top hat and tails and carrying the
missing sceptre in his hand. Noticing him, Tabu shouted to him:
"Montmerecy, brother, this is a plague ship - please stay away from it
at all costs of you truly value your life. Stay away! Stay away!"
"Nothing doing, brother dear!" Montmerecy replied. "As an agent of the
company who set up the colonies in the afflicted sector, I've been
immunized against the plague - as have my people!"
"You bastard!" I cried angrily, as the people Montmerecy brought with
him took the Space Force people captive and then began searching the
wrecked vessel for valuables while others held the four of us at
gunpoint. He told his men:
"We'll hold these people for ransom - for money! As for Tabu and
Nabonga -"
But Tabu had turned invisible and smashed a rock over the head of one of
Montmerecy's people, knocking him out cold. Then he became visible
again and went over to Jon Lorrimer's side, and cried:
"Fight, damn you! Fight Montmerecy Hooligan!"
But Montmerecy had run over to Jon and whispered something in his ear -
something that caused him to lift Montmerecy off his feet with one hand
and shake him violently.
"You old bastard!" he shouted angrily, and Montmerecy replied:
"Nonetheless, you will leave me alone, or I will reveal what I know to
the authorities - and I know that'll result in a certain someone dying
in surgery!"
"Very well!" Jon replied sullenly.
But then Tabu turned invisible again, grabbed Montmerecy's rifle, then
knocked him out cold. After that, he knocked out each and every one of
Montmerecy's people, men and women alike, before becoming visible again.
"Bravo, Tabu!" I shouted eagerly, and he replied:
"Why, thank you, Nabonga!"
We headed for Montmerecy's camp, and there we found the missing officers
all tied up around the campfire. Growing to giant size, Tabu grabbed
the remainder of Montmerecy's people and took them prisoner. I cried:
"By the Goddess, that was great work! Brother mine, you're a blooming
genius!"
"Sister," he replied, "you look wonderful."
"Flatterer!" I said. "But it is true."
After returning to his normal size, Tabu and I brought Montmerecy and
his people to the local police station, where they were charged with one
count of jeopardizing the rescue mission for the stranded officers and
the plague victims still in stasis. Later, the Chief of Police told me:
"We had to probe Montmerecy's mind to make him tell us what he knew
about Jon Lorrimer's background. It turns out that Jon's real name is
Patrick Brevane, the servant and companion to Jonothon Lorrimer, the son
of a very old and very proud family. Jon's father had, because of a
decline "in the family company's fortunes, arranged for him to have a
seperate life as a Space Force officer. Unfortunately, the boy came
down with the Neguarian Syndrome, leaving him an invalid, and the old
man made Patrick report for enlistment under Jon's name, so as to
protect the old man's honour. Montmerecy learned the secret, because
Jon revealed it in his digital application form when he began the
process of enlistment. Apparently, he's terrified that, if his secret
was uncovered formally and he was thrown out of the Academy, the old man
would force the real Jon to undergo surgery to allow him to live a
normal life - surgery that might kill him, he's in such a weakened
state!"
"Montmerecy was an application processor?" I asked, and the Chief nodded
and said:
"For several years, yes. Don't you ever let on that you know Jon's
secret, because that could upset him!"
"What secret?" I asked the Chief calmly.
"That's the spirit!" the Chief cried.
I then entered the infirmary at the police station, where the Space
Force people were being treated by a medic. Aliciana and Stumblefoot
were with them, he having recovered from his own illness. Jon joined
them a few minutes later, and he smiled right at me and said:
"Lady, we thank you - for everything!"
"The Goddess Meta is grateful to you people for helping to give my life
new meaning!" I replied. "May her love shine on you forever."
"Thank you!" Aliciana replied.
"Would you like to stay in the Village of the Goddess for a while?" I
asked.
"I think we just might!" she replied.
"Then I will summon an elephant here, which will take us all back to
that village!" Tabu cried.
This he did, and when the Three had climbed up onto the elephant's back,
we all waved goodbye as we rode off into the sunset. When we returned
to the village, we got off that elephant, and I led them into the temple
where I'd converted to the worship of the goddess Meta, where I handed
the sceptre back to the chieftain to give to the man from the other
tribe. As always, the idol was very beautiful, and when Aliciana saw
it, she said:
"She reminds me of the Countess Marwhen!"
"Where did these people get such a statue?" Jon wondered, as he stared
up at the statue.
"It's a relic of one of those ancient African civilizations!" a fellow
priestess replied.
Jon examined the statue, then turned to me and said:
"No, this is a lot more recent than that!"
"You're right!" Aliciana said as she looked at the statue "It can't be
more than 500 years old!"
"And for the past eighty years," the High Priestess replied, "Meta has
been granting us her bounty through her blood!"
"You used her blood to transform me?" I asked her, and she replied:
"That is correct!"
"We must do something - this isn't a statue, this is someone in a form
of stasis such as I have never seen before!" Aliciana replied.
"How do we get her out of it?" I asked, and Jon replied:
"We break the statue's outer shell!"
He and Stumblefoot, working together, did just that! Once the outer
layer of the statue had been smashed, the woman thus revealed opened her
eyes and rose to her feet just as Aliciana walked up to her and hugged
her warmly around the waist.
"Countess!" she cried as all of the Countess's priestesses bowed down to
her eagerly.
"It's good to see the three of you again!" the Countess replied. "Are
you all okay?"
"We're fine, thank you!" Aliciana replied. "What happened to your
Ladyship? The last we heard was that your home colony, Marwhen, had
fallen to the Diodians - then nothing else!"
"I fled from Marwhen in stasis aboard an automatically powered vessel!"
she replied. "That vessel must have crashed here in Africa, and these
people must have pulled my frozen body from the sarcophagus, believing
me to be a goddess."
She then allowed the High Priestess to lead us all to the temple's
dining room, where we were served a sumptuous feast. Even Tabu enjoyed
the food, and he said:
"Even back home in America, we never had food quite as good as this!"
"You're right about that!" I replied, and the High Priestess asked
Meta/Marwhen:
"What do you intend to do now, Goddess?"
"I declare today to be a holiday!" the Countess replied. "Thanks to my
old friends the Three. Montmerecy Hooligan and his band of ruffians are
behind bars - and there they'll stay!"
"I should hope so!" I replied. "From now on, we'll ALL dedicate
ourselves to peace!"
"Amen to that!" chorussed the Three proudly.
THE END
Alessandra
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