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Transitions VII by Desiree Pleasence Chapter 14 - Kandy Krush Saga As I sit here, it's hard to believe that everything seemed so carefree and decadent the day before yesterday, when I unveiled my new assets to our neighbors. But that was before yesterday. That was before Gillian and Renee had filled me in on the saga of Kandy. What I heard chilled me to the bone. They seem to have no idea what they have done. Maybe I've filled in the blanks incorrectly. Maybe I've projected my own trauma, no matter how much it pales in comparison to what I think Kandy has been through. All I knew was that, at times, I wanted to yell at them and slap them. If I was right, and I'm afraid I am, Kandy may be scarred permanently. This is more than just taking a hesitant girl under my wings. This can't be about fulfilling my selfish desires. A desire to have a friend that is going through the same metamorphosis as me. A desire for a friendship that is more than just friendship. A desire for that friendship to be spiritual, romantic and sensual. A desire to fulfill the fantasy Sherri and I had shared. No, it's much more than all that. Can Kandy's relationship with her mother Gillian be salvaged? Can her friendship with Ruby be salvaged? Can Kandy be salvaged? I don't know. Is it even ethical, much less advisable, for me to attempt to repair the damage? Should I refer her to authorities for what could be considered child abuse, neglect or depraved indifference? Should I refer her to a licensed and properly educated and trained therapist? Or should I just try to be her friend? The authorities seem out of the question. What are the odds that they would support what I think are her true desires? Would she be willing or even able to express her desires? Or would she just shut down? Would protective services rip her from her mother? Would her mother face jail time? What destructive abyss would it send Kandy's life spiraling into? They certainly wouldn't place her in the custody of me and Sherri. No, calling in the authorities would just make matters worse. What about a therapist? What are the odds of finding one that would actually understand her? Are there any that would support her? At this point, would Kandy even cooperate? Would Kandy become another victim of cosmetic psychopharmacology, drugged into a stupor for the rest of her life? Would she be convinced that her desires are perverted and twisted and spend the rest of her life suppressing herself in a misguided attempt to conform to the narrow and closed- minded expectations of society? Damn! Even a therapist could make matters worse instead of better. I've always suspected that a therapist is a poor substitute for true friends. Friends that understand you. Friends that accept you. Friends that encourage and support you. It's a sad commentary on modern society that therapists and self-help books are in such demand. Do people ever get better or do they just vent and learn to accept a sad and mistaken conclusion that life sucks? That they just have to accept that and cope as best they can. Seriously, if self-help books worked, why are there so many of them? Are there people out there with shelves and shelves of self-help books? I'm sure many contain helpful wisdom but you get my point. If therapists worked, why do people spend years and years going to them? Crap! No, what Kandy really needs is a friend, a confidant. But the stakes are so high. The situation is so fucked up. A radical deconstruction of the past eight or nine months is required. That means a radical deconstruction of Kandy's mind. But can the resulting pieces be put back together into anything remotely resembling happiness and self-actualization? This isn't what I signed up for. But it's not something I can walk away from. To do so would be morally reprehensible. To abandon someone who is sensitive and desirable to a permanently damaged life. I might as well toss her down an abandoned mine shaft. It would be less cruel. Crap! Things could go tits up in so many ways. And I don't mean me lying on my back. If I confront Kandy with what I think is going on, she might turn against me. Or she might fixate and imprint on me. To be honest, the latter has some appeal to me. I would love for her to love me, to need me. But I'd just be a crutch. How can she truly love anyone if she doesn't love herself? I'd just be another facet, albeit a more positive one, in this mess. Well, at this point, I really don't have any choice. I've already agreed to Kandy coming over today, ostensibly to babysit me in my surgical recovery phase. Her mother, Gillian, is hoping that I'll take her under my wing and address whatever is holding her back, like it is some simple little mental block. Sherri is the only other person that knows what's at stake. It was impossible for me to hide that something was bothering me last night. I shared my assessment of the situation with last night and, unfortunately, she agreed that it may be totally spot on. A part of me had held out hope that she'd think I was way off base. Well, there's the doorbell. That must be Kandy. It's game time. But it's not a game. The stakes are too real, too high. As I'm walking to the door, it's not a sexy strut. It feels more like a death march, a feeling of dread envelops me like a thick fog on a dark night. The only thing that is missing is a funereal dirge, dark somber music that would be an appropriate companion for my mood. Where will I emerge, where is the march taking me? My shoulders are slumped. My chin is down in dismay, resting on my chest. Echoes of my own past, relatively minor, traumas reverberate in my soul. Even the sight of my beautiful new breasts doesn't shake the fog from my mind. Should I really be wearing this negligee, the same one I wore the other day for my unveiling to our neighbors? It seems inappropriate given the gravity of the situation. Okay, it's game time. I stand erect. I paste a smile on my lips and open the door. And there she is. Kandy. She looks beautiful, yet so unsure, so vulnerable. Part of me just wants to take her in my arms and hold her tight against me forever. To show her the compassion and acceptance she so surely needs. To take her away from all this. To seduce her. To make her mine. But she's not a pet, she's a person. The smile fades from my face. Gillian is already backing out of the driveway, waving and exhorting Kandy to take good care of me. Yeah, right. "Hi, Kandy. Please, come in." She's gawking at my breasts. "Oh my god, Barbie, who did this to you?' "Who did what to me, Kandy?" "Did what? You really have to ask? Who made you get those humongous breasts?" "No one made me, I wanted them." "You did? But why?" "I'll be glad to explain, sweetheart, but let's relax a bit. Let's go inside. I was about to have a cup of coffee. Although there's a part of me that would like to stand here displaying myself to the world, now's not the time." Kandy steps across the entrance. She doesn't have an inkling how momentous a step it is. I close the door and head to the kitchen, Kandy trailing behind me. "Please, have a seat" I say, indicating with a wave of my hand one of the high stools at the breakfast bar. I step to the cupboards, pull out a coffee cup and saucer. I hold it up in offering to Kandy. "Yes, please." I place the setting in front of her and get another for myself. I pour coffee in our cups. "Cream and sugar?" "Yes, please." Ah, the benefits of youth. I love cream and sugar, too, but take my coffee black to cut down on calories. I put a small pitcher of half and half, along with a sugar dispenser, in front of her and place a coffee spoon on her saucer. As she fixes her coffee, I light up a cigarette. I slide the pack halfway to her. She reaches out and extracts one for herself. I give her a light. "Barbie, what's wrong? There's obviously something bothering you. What's on you mind?" "Yeah, sorry, there is. Give me a moment to collect my thoughts. I really want to talk about it, just give me a sec." We sit there silently smoking and drinking our coffee. The tension in the air is palpable. Crap. She's tense and worried, not a mood I want to fester. Our cups empty, our cigarettes extinguished, I take the plunge. I place my hand on hers. "Kandy, you're here under false pretenses." "False pretenses? What do you mean?" "Well, the reason you're here is not the reason you think you're here." She responds with bitterness in her voice. "Hey, I'm not stupid. I know what false pretenses are. What do you mean?" "Look, Kandy, remember when we met? You know, at my birthday celebration at 'A Cut Above.'" "I'M NOT STUPID. Of course I remember. You think I'm retarded or something?" Yeah, she's displaying the symptoms I feared. Reactive aggression. "No, Kandy, I don't think you're stupid or retarded. Quite the contrary. I just wanted to place your mind in the moment so I can explain what's bothering me." "Oh, so that's how it is? Now I bother you?" "Kandy, would you just shut up for a moment and let me explain?" Crap, that's not the way to respond. I can't be a part of this negative cycle. "Wait, I'm sorry, sweetheart." I look up at her, a tear rolling down my cheek. "Please, Kandy, just let me speak for a moment. I want, no, I need you to give me a chance to explain." "Okay then, get on with it Barbie." She takes another cigarette out and lights it, angrily exhaling the smoke. Her free arm is folded across her chest in a defensive posture. "Thanks, Kandy. I've been thinking about our encounter a lot. It was so special to me. You looked so beautiful but also so vulnerable. Then, after I spoke to you, well, the way you looked at me it was as if you were looking into my soul. I felt like I fell in love with you, right then and there. But that's silly isn't it? I didn't even know you. How could I be in love with you when we didn't even know each other?" "No, Barbie," Kandy interjects, "it's not silly. It's romantic." She lowers her arm to her lap. Well, at least she is out of that defensive pose. "Do you remember what I said?" "Yes. You said that I looked so lovely. You said that you looked forward to getting to know me. That you hoped we'd become close friends." "Yes, that's it precisely. I just want you to know that I truly meant it, all of it. I envisioned having a friend that's going through some of the same things I am. A friend that understands me. A friend that is more than a friend. A friend who is also my lover. No matter what, I want you to know that I meant it." "Okay, so you meant it. But you're saying it all in the past tense. What's changed?" "Well, when we were leaving, Gillian and Renee took us into the office. Your mother had a little talk with me..." "FUCK!" Kandy raises her coffee cup above her head and throws it to the floor with all her might. It shatters into a million pieces across the floor. "GOD DAMN IT! Does she have to take everything special in my life and destroy it? Why does she fucking hate me? Why is she so intent on making my life miserable?" With tears rolling down my cheeks I blubber out a response. "She doesn't hate you, Kandy. She loves you." "Yeah? Well she sure has a funny way of showing it." "I know, Kandy, I know. You're right. But let me tell you what she told me. She was literally weeping in my arms. She was so happy and so sad. She saw the way you looked at me. She said that you'd been resisting your transition into becoming a woman. She said that she wanted her baby back. She said she wanted you to look at her like that. She asked me to take you under my wing. To figure out what's bothering you. I agreed." "Yeah, well, I don't think that's ever going to happen, Barbie. I hate her." "I know, Kandy, I know." "You do?" "Yes, I think I do. I understand." "Yeah, right, you understand. Sure you do." "Yes, I think I do. And there's something important you need to know: it's not your fault." "Oh, I know it's not my fault. It's her fault. She did this. She did it to me and she did it to herself. Fuck her." I know that the situation is more complex than that, more nuanced, but now is not the time for a debate. "I know, Kandy. I understand. It's not your fault." "So, Barbie, what makes you so wise and all knowing, huh? How can you possibly know what's going on? Huh? Tell me." "Well, I just think I know. I could have it all wrong. Maybe I'm just projecting my own trauma onto the situation. Let me explain. I see certain parallels to what I've gone through. Maybe what I've been through has nothing in common with what you've been through. I think it does." "But before I get into that, let me back up a bit. Sherri, you know Sherri, my wife. Well, she never knew that, inside, I wanted to be a woman. Kind of, that is. I've never thought I was a woman trapped in a man's body. I've never wanted to have my penis removed. I've never wanted a vagina. I've just wanted to live, to present myself, as a woman. A woman with a penis. At times I felt like a freak. But, at heart, that's what I wanted and I loved the fantasy. That's all it was, a fantasy. When she wasn't around, I'd dress up as a woman. I'd go online. I'd talk to people. I'd turn the webcam on and let people watch me masturbate and fuck my ass with a dildo. I'd tell people that I wanted to suck their cocks. I'd tell them I wanted them to fuck me. It was all fantasy." "Well, some asshole got pissed off that I wouldn't meet with him to live out my fantasy. He tracked Sherri down. He showed her pictures of me. He showed her transcripts of our chats and e-mails. He tried to destroy me, the malicious asshole. But Sherri wasn't angry. She was excited. She was turned on. She schemed and plotted on how to make my fantasies reality. She corresponded with me online, not letting on that it was her. She watched my webcam performances. She had me dead to rights. The day you and I met, she confronted me with what she had learned. She told me that she understood, that she accepted it, that she wasn't angry. She told me she wasn't leaving me. At least not as long as I agreed to live out my fantasies. She told me she couldn't love someone who didn't love themselves. That if I didn't embrace who I am that it would ruin our marriage. That's how I ended up at 'A Cut Above' the day you and I met. I got my first professional makeover. It was my first time ever out in public." "It was?" "Yes, it was." "But you looked so beautiful, so happy, so at ease." I squeeze Kandy's hand. "Thank you, darling. I was happy. I was at ease. I never imagined I could look so beautiful. I realized that my fantasies could become reality. Years of repressing and hiding my desires melted away, like snow on a warm winter day. It was the first day I ever felt at peace, at ease with myself. It truly was the first day of the rest of my life. And you were there. You saw it. You seemed to understand it. You seemed to go through the same thing when I spoke to you while you were, uh, going down on me. I felt a bond with you. I felt you were going through the same thing. It was so romantic. To me, anyway, it was." "That night, when we got home, I got to live out more of my fantasies. I fucked our neighbor Tom." "You did? You fucked him?" "No, not like that, Kandy. I mean I straddled his lap and felt a real cock inside of me. I rode it like a cowgirl until he came inside of me. I just say 'I fucked him' because it was me that was in control. It was what I wanted. I took him, not the other way around. And while I was doing it, I sucked the cocks of two other neighbors until they came in my mouth. I was in heaven." "I don't believe you, Barbie. I think it's one of your fantasies." "Believe it or not, that's your choice. But it's true. Sherri even licked up the cum that trickled out of my ass after my fucking and fed a lot of it to me. You probably don't believe that, either, but no matter. The next day, Sherri took me for my breast implants. Speaking of which, what do you think? Do you like them?" "Well, they're kind of big but, yes, I do like them." "Thanks darling. Yeah, they are kind of big. Even bigger than the big ones I dreamt of having, that I was supposed to get. It's a funny story. The doctor sedated me for the procedure. In my stupor, I started going on about how I wanted huge fuckable slutty bimbo titties like the doctor's. She got pissed off and gave me what I asked for. She implanted the largest possible implants that she could squeeze into me. Here, feel them." I take her hands and place them on my breasts. She starts massaging them. She rubs my nipples with her thumbs. She slips one breast out of my negligee and starts suckling it. "Oh Kandy. Oh Kandy. Oh Kandy. Stop. Stop. STOP!" She jerks back. "Was I doing something wrong?" "Oh no, definitely not. You were doing everything just right, darling. It's just that if I didn't stop you I would have ended up dragging you into the bedroom to make love." "Would that be so bad, Barbie?" I laugh. "No, it wouldn't, but there is more I want to talk about. Besides, there's a lot to be said in favor of building up anticipation, darling." "So, anyway, the day after my procedure, Sherri and I were fooling around in bed. She said how she couldn't wait to see me licking up someone else's cum from her pussy. I was totally jealous. I couldn't imagine enjoying letting someone else fuck her. She's my wife, after all. Then I remembered what she had done to me, for me. It wasn't difficult to remember since we'd just watched a video recording of that special night." "You have video?" "Yes. Would you like to see it?" "I sure would." "No problem. Just let me finish up. So, I realized I wasn't jealous about the concept of someone else fucking my wife. She'd just watched someone fucking me. She'd cleaned up the delicious results. No, I wasn't jealous anymore, I was actually excited by the idea. But, to tell the truth, other than their cocks, men really don't appeal to me, though I'm starting to reevaluate that. I'm actually more attracted to women with cocks. To me, they're perfection. That's when we decided who we wanted the first to be." "You did? Who? Ruby? Heather?" "No silly. We want it to be you." "Me? Why?" "You have to ask? You're beautiful. I feel a connection with you. Sure, Ruby and Heather are pretty. But with you, it would be special. It would be romantic. It would be you and I emerging together, a special bond that would last forever. With them, it would just be recreational sex. I want it to be more than that." "You do?" Kandy asks, her voice trembling. "Yes, Kandy, I do." "We can do that, I've never fucked anybody before but I want to try." I squeeze her hand. "I'm delighted to hear that, Kandy. But before that happens, I want to make sure it's right for you. If all I cared about was myself, I'd call Sherri up right now and tell her to get her ass home. But I want to get to know you better. Good things are worth waiting for, right?" "I guess." "They are. I'll teach you. But tell you what, let's watch that video, okay?" "Sure Barbie." "Hold on a sec." I get out a new coffee cup for Kandy. "I'm sorry I broke your coffee cup, Barbie." "Don't worry about it sweetheart. It's just a coffee cup. If you've been through just half of what I think you've been through, you have every right to be angry, to want to trash things. I just want to make things better for you, Kandy. If you'll let me." I pour coffee into our cups and give Kandy time to fix hers. I grab my cigarettes and lighter in one hand, my saucer and cup in the other, and lead us into the living room. I set everything down on the coffee table, sit on the couch and pat the space beside me. "Here, Kandy, sit by me." Kandy leans over to set her cup and saucer down before sitting beside me. "I'm kind of scared to show this to you, Kandy." "Why?" "Because I'm afraid that you won't like me anymore when you see what a slut I am." "Don't worry, Barbie. You're in luck. I like my women on the slutty side." "Well, then you're in luck, too, Kandy." We both light up a cigarette. I turn on the television and change the input for the streaming dongle. I turn on my phone. I load the copy of the video. "Here goes nothing. Last chance to change your mind." Kandy reaches over and taps "Play" on the phone. She watches wide-eyed. She watches everything. From me announcing "It's showtime" to the end. She watches me impaling myself on Tom's cock. She watches me stroking and sucking Bruce and David's cocks. She sees them cumming in my mouth. She sees me eating it up. She sees Elaine and Shelby fingering each other. She sees me giving Tom a cummy kiss. She sees Sherri eating the cum as it leaks out of my pussy. She doesn't say a word. She just watches in stunned silence. The video ends. "Well?" I ask. "Wow. You wanted to do that? You weren't being punished?" "Oh, no, I wasn't being punished. I wanted to do that. It was my fantasies coming true. To feel a real cock up my ass. To feel cum shooting into my mouth. That was me being me for the first time in my life." "Wow." "I hope you don't hate me now." "Why would I hate you?" "Well, some people might think all that was sick and perverted." "Not me. It was hot." I already knew that was how she felt. The bulge underneath her skirt made that obvious. Here it is. This is where I'm going to try to explore Kandy's true feelings. To deconstruct the carnage that has transpired and try to put the pieces back together. I'm in over my head. It's over anyone's head. But I think I'll discover that she has experienced trauma that I'm familiar with. I've struggled through it, not without difficulty and distress. It has made me a stronger person. I think I'm the best person to do this, given the situation. On the other hand... There's that adage about how psychiatrists shouldn't try to analyze themselves. That it's like going down a dark alley in a dangerous neighborhood alone. You just shouldn't do it. This isn't the same thing is it? Kandy isn't alone. I'm here. Am I strong enough to protect her in that alley? Yes, I am. I've been through the alley alone. I was in it for years. Then Sherri discovered me. With her help, I overcame the fear. I survived. I can help Kandy. It's the right thing to do. Turning my back on her would be the wrong thing to do. Besides, if I fail, professionals can still be called in. I put my arm around Kandy. I start gently rubbing her erection. "Kandy, I want you to close your eyes. I'm going to ask a bunch of questions. I've bared my soul to you, I want you to do the same. I want answers, honesty. Will you do that for me?" "Yes, Barbie, I will." "Then close your eyes." She does. "Kandy, I want you to think back to that day Ruby's mother walked in on you and Steven. Before she walked in, what are you doing?" "Steven and I are watching a X-rated video." "What is the name of the video?" "Charlee Smoking. Smoking hand job." "Did you load the video or did Steven?" "I did." "Had you ever seen the video before?" "Yes." "What's happening in the video?" "A pretty woman is smoking a cigarette while stroking a cock." "What else do you see besides the video?" "I see my cigarette with lipstick on the filter." "Your cigarette?" "Yes. No. I took it from a pack that Miss Roxx left behind." "What brand are they?" "Virginia Slims 120s menthol." "Does it bother you that those are a brand women smoke?" "No." "Do you think that Renee...Miss Roxx...left them behind on purpose or by accident?" "By accident." "Why is there lipstick on the filter of your cigarette?" "I have lipstick on." "Did you put the lipstick on?" "No, Mom did when she kissed me goodbye this morning." "You knew it was there?" "Yes." "You didn't rub it off or anything?" "No." "Why not?" "I like the way it looks. The way it feels. The way it tastes." "Is Steven smoking, too?" "Yes." "Also a Virginia Slims 120?" "Yes." "Is there lipstick on the filter?" "Yes." "Did he put the lipstick on?" "No. His mother kissed him goodbye, too." "He didn't rub it off?" "No." "Do you think your mothers got lipstick on you on purpose or by accident?" "By accident." "What else do you see?" "I see Steven's hand wrapped around my penis." "Why is his hand wrapped around your penis?" "I asked him to help me because it was awkward using my left hand." "Did he?" "Yes. No. Not at first. I had to take his hand and move it to me." "Why did you want him to help you? Was it because it was awkward using your left hand?" "No. I wanted to feel someone else's hand stroking me." "No one has done that for you before?" "No." I slip my hand into Kandy's panties, wrap my hand around her cock and start stroking it. "How does it feel?" "It feels great." "Are you imagining a woman stroking your cock or a man?" "A woman." "Are you imagining Alan dressed as a woman stroking you?" "Yes." "Are you imagining yourself dressed as a woman stroking Steven's cock?" "Yes." "Have you ever dressed as a woman before?" "Yes." "How many times?" "I don't know. Two or three times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less." "Why?" "I don't know. I just like it. I like feeling pretty. It feels good." "What do you do when you dress up?" "I masturbate." "Does anyone know that you like to dress as a woman?" "No." "No one has ever seen you?" "No." "Do you want others to see you?" "Yes." "How long have you wanted to be a girl?" I slip that in to confirm that's what he really wants. "I've wanted to be a girl for as long as I remember." There it is, the confirmation of my suspicions. "What are you going to do when Steven stroking you makes you cum?" "I'm going to say I'm going to go clean up before returning the favor." "Are you?" "No. Yes. But first I'm going to go into his mother's bedroom and put makeup on. Then I'm going to come back, light a cigarette and give him a smoking hand job." "Is that all?" "No. If he doesn't freak out, I'm going to suck his cock." "You want to dress up and suck his cock? "Yes." "Did all of this randomly happen or did you plan it?" "I planned it." "For how long?" "Months." "Why did you wait for months?" "I waited for our summer vacation so we'd have all day." "What else did you imagine happening that day, that summer." "I imagined Steven and I both dressing as women and having sex." "All summer?" "Yes. No. All summer and longer." "Why did you pick Steven to share your secret with?" "He's my best friend. I love him. He's pretty. He'd look beautiful dressed as a woman." That settles that. I was right. Alan / Kandy had secretly been dressing up as a woman. Steven was going to be the first person she ever came out to. She was excited. She was scared. She had to have been both. "Okay, Kandy. What happened? Where did your plan go wrong?" "Steven's mother walks in on us. She's angry." "Why is she angry?" "They told us 'no drugs, no drinking, no sex.'" "Does she sound angry?" "No, not really. But she says we broke the rules." "Does she look angry?" "No." "How does she sound and look?" "She sounds amused. She looks like she likes what she sees." "Then why do you say she is angry?" "She has to be angry." "Why does she have to be angry?" "Because Steven is stroking my cock. We're both smoking her Virginia Slims 120s. We both have lipstick on." "Yes, but why does she have to be angry?" "Because what we are doing is wrong." "Why is it wrong?" "I don't know. It just is." "Are you hurting anyone?" "No." "Does it feel good?" "Yes." "Then why is it wrong?" "Some people say it is." "Do you care what those people say?" "No. Not really. But a lot of religious people say it's wrong." "That's true. People have misused religion to justify hate throughout history. That's wrong. Besides, they believe in something without evidence, right?" "Yes. They call it faith." "Not now, but sometime I'd like you to give thought to his quote: 'What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence.'" "Has your mother ever said it is wrong?" "No." "Has Steven's mother ever said it is wrong?" "No." "Has Steven ever said it is wrong?" "No." "Does anyone else's opinion really matter do you?" "No." "So, is it wrong?" "No." Good. The seed is planted. He may doubt it. But, with proper nurturing, he'll come to believe it with all his heart. "So, what happens next?" "Miss Roxx tells me to go home." Here comes the rough part. I have no idea how rough it's going to get. But Kandy is so relaxed, so accustomed to answering my questions it's like she's in a hypnotic state. I take my hand out of her panties. "Okay, Kandy, you are back at home now. How do you feel?" "Oh fuck. Miss Roxx walked in on us. Fuck. She saw Steven stroking my cock. She saw us wearing lipstick and smoking Virginia Slims 120s. She saw us watching porn. Fuck. She thinks we're gay. Queers. Faggots. Fuck. She's going to tell my mom. She's going to think I'm gay. Fuck. Mom is going to hate me. She's going to kick me out, send me away. Fuck. What's going to happen to me?" Kandy wraps her arms around herself tightly. She's just sitting there trembling. I wonder how long she sat there like that that day. Probably for hours. I can't let her sit there in post-traumatic shock. I give her a nudge. "So, Kandy, what happens next?" "I can't stand it. I can't live like this. I'm a freak. Mom hasn't come home. She's so disgusted, she hasn't even called. Fuck. No one loves me, no one cares, they're just letting me sit here like this, all alone. I might as well be dead. That's it. I'll kill myself." OH FUCK! I didn't see that one coming. "What did you do, Kandy?" I say, fighting back tears. Kandy, opening crying, still hugging herself, continues. "I can't do it. I'm lying in a bathtub full of water. The razor blade is right there. It's in my hand. It's pressing into my wrist. There's blood. I can't do it. Just one long slice, that's all I have do to. I can't do it. Fuck. I'm so worthless and scared I can't even kill myself. I'm a worthless, scared little freak." "What next, Kandy?" "I must have passed out. I wake up. The water is pink. There's a small cut on my wrist. I'm glad I passed out. I'm not going to give them the satisfaction. They don't care, so what? Fuck them. They think I'm a freak? Fuck them. Two more years, I'll move out. Hell, why wait? So what if Mom is disgusted with me. Fuck her. She obviously doesn't care. I'll run away. I get out of the tub. I drain the water. I throw the razor blade in the trash. I dry off. I start packing my suitcase. Fuck. Mom is home. She's calling for me to come downstairs. I flip the lid of the suitcase to close it. I slide it under my bed." "Kandy, open your eyes." She sits there. Still trembling. Still shaking. Still crying. I put my hands on her shoulders. I shake her. "Kandy, open your eyes. It's Barbie. Please open your eyes. Come to me." She opens her eyes. She looks at me, afraid. She sees the tenderness and concern in my eyes. She throws her arms around me, buries her face in my shoulder, crying. I just embrace her, let her let it all out. Finally, her sobbing subsides. Sniffling, she looks up at me. "Barbie, what's wrong with me? I feel broken." "Kandy, you went through a very traumatic experience. For hours and hours, you were left alone to think that you were a freak, that nobody loved you, that nobody cared. You almost killed yourself. You almost ran away. I think you have post-traumatic stress disorder. Do you know what that is?" "No." Well, that's progress. No defensive reactive aggression. "Well, it's called PTSD for short. It was first diagnosed in soldiers. It used to be called shell shock. Soldiers are subjected to some pretty hellish conditions. They can be lying in a trench, mortar shells exploding around them, bullets flying over their heads. Helicopters can come flying around shooting at them. There's nothing they can do. They can't really defend themselves or, if they can, they have a serious disadvantage. They just lie there for hours, sometimes for days, certain that they're going to be killed. Waiting for it to happen. That's their original trauma, laying in a ditch in some country, thousands of miles from home, certain they're going to die. But they don't. They come home. They're celebrated as brave heroes. They look fine, no injuries, no missing limbs. People think they're fine. But they're not fine. People have no idea what they've really been through. Sometimes, the soldiers have something called flashbacks. Something triggers a memory of what they went through. Their minds take them back to what happened. A helicopter flies overhead, all of a sudden they're back in war, certain they're going to be killed. Or a car backfires. The sound reminds them of a grenade or mortar shell exploding. They're back there. They may even dive do the ground like they would if they were at war. Or they start shaking in fear like they did in war. Or get angry, wanting to kill the people who are trying to kill them. You're going through the same thing." "I've never been a soldier, Barbie, how can I be going through the same thing?" "No, you've never been a soldier, but you've been through hell. Steven's mother walked in an interrupted when you were trying to share your true self with him. You were loathing yourself. You thought other people loathed you. That no one cared. That no one loved you. You almost killed yourself. You almost ran away. It may not be war but it sure as hell is traumatic. Now you're defensive, you don't want to be hurt and, sometimes, your react to things inappropriately." "I do?" I laugh. "Oh yeah, you sure do. Like when you demolished my coffee cup." "Sorry about that." "No matter, it was just a cup. I don't care about a cup. I do care about you. But you know what? Other people have been through hell, too. I don't know anybody that hasn't experienced some sort of trauma. Sometimes they react inappropriately. Like me, when I told you to shut up, I overreacted. I lashed out. But the impacts of the trauma can manifest themselves in more subtle ways. You may not want anybody to get close to you so they can't hurt you. You may cross your arms across your chest, sending a subliminal signal that you don't want anybody to get close to you. Someone says the wrong thing, it's like they're tearing a scab off a wound. It hurts. You lash out. We all do it sometimes. You're not broken, you've just been injured. You don't want to get injured again. In a way, it's a survival instinct. It's a matter of self-preservation, or so it seems." "Now, other people go through all of this, too. When two people in this frame of mind get together, it can spiral out of control. It's a negative feedback loop. One person says something wrong or that is taken the wrong way. The second person lashes out. The first person lashes back. And so it goes, on and on. It's destructive. It's senseless. You're caught in one of those negative feedback loops. I want to help you break that loop, if you'll let me." "Yes, Barbie, please help me." Oh fuck it, I can't help it. I start crying. I embrace Kandy. "Of course, Kandy, I want to help. You can count on me." "Now, we need to talk about what you've been through since that day. Is that okay?" "Yes, Barbie." "Great. Now there's something I need to tell you. Sherri couldn't stay with me yesterday or today. She arranged for other people to stay with me in case I need help or moral support. Today, that's you. Though, as you know, Sherri wanted me to explore our desires for you, too. Yesterday, your mother came over. I asked about you. We talked about you." Kandy tenses up for a second but relaxes. Good, progress, baby steps but steps in the right direction nonetheless. "You did?" "Yes, we did. I wanted to learn everything about you. I was afraid you'd been through hell. I wanted to help you. To understand, I needed to hear Gillian's perspective, too. Do you understand, Kandy?" "Yes, Barbie." "Great, Kandy, you're doing great." I squeeze her hand. "And don't forget, I was also aiming to seduce you." "Mission accomplished, Barbie. I'm all yours. But, back to your conversation with Mom, what did you learn?" "I learned that things are totally fucked up." "Yeah, you got that right," Kandy replies before laughing and lighting a cigarette. Yeah, that's a good idea. I take one from the pack she's holding out. She brings the lighter up. I cup her hand as I inhale. Without letting go of her hand, I look her in the eyes and exhale off to the side. I see hunger in her eyes. I'm sure she sees the same thing in mine. "Kandy, before we go on, there are some things you should know." "Such as?" "Did you know that Kandy was already dressing as a woman in secret before that day?" "She was?" "Yes, she was. And Renee, her mother, knew about it." "She did? Wasn't she angry or upset?" "No, on the contrary, she wanted to encourage her but didn't know how to broach the subject without scaring her off." "Does Ruby want to be a woman?" "Yes. No. Oh, it gets so confusing. Let's lay out some groundwork on terminology. You've probably read up on all this already, but just in case. A transsexual, or TS for short, is a woman trapped in a man's body that wants surgery to get rid of her penis and have a vagina. Then there are men that want to live as women but keep their cocks. They're called transgendered or 'trans' or 'TG' for short. Though it's not politically correct, some people call them 'shemales.' That's what I am. I want to live as a woman but I don't want to get rid of my penis. So is Ruby. She wants to be a woman, but a woman with something extra, if you catch my drift." "Sexuality adds another layer to the complexities. Some of us girls are only attracted to men and call themselves straight. Some girls are only attracted to women that were born women. They may call themselves straight or lesbian. Some TGs are attracted to other TGs. They usually call themselves lesbians, trans lesbians or transbians. Some girls are attracted to men, real women and other TGs. They call themselves bisexual, trisexual or versatile. It's really confusing, especially with different people using the same word different ways. Ruby is versatile. She's attracted to women, TGs and men." "What are you at heart, Kandy?" "At heart, I think I'm trans. A lesbian. I don't want to get rid of my penis. I'm attracted to women and TGs. But who knows? I'm a virgin. Time will tell." "Good attitude, girlfriend. You're perfect." "I am?" "Yes, as far as I'm concerned, you're perfect. Some disappointed men might disagree. But their opinion doesn't matter. You're perfect, in my eyes." "I am? Why?" "Well, you have anything I could possibly want. You're a beautiful woman. You can satisfy any sexual desire I have, well almost any desire. Some of my desires require more than one person, after all. You're going through the same things I am. I'm discovering myself. You're discovering yourself. It's beautiful." "I want all of that, Barbie." "See? You're perfect, darling. But back to the matter at hand, where were we? Oh, right. I had just told you that Ruby was trans all along. She just got discovered because of your scheme. Let's see, what else don't you know..." "They had no idea that you were dressing as a woman." "They kissed you and left lipstick on you both on purpose. They hoped that you would like it and want to wear it, like Ruby did." "Renee left her cigarettes behind on purpose because she knew that Ruby liked to get dressed up and smoke them." "Your mother had always hoped that you'd be TG. She had hoped that once you'd discovered Ruby was TG that you'd want to be TG as well." Kandy sat there digesting it all, still looking relaxed. Time to plunge on. "Okay, now it's time to analyze what has happened since that day. Figure out how things went sideways and how to get them back on track. Tell me what happened after your Mom came home." "She took me over to Steven's house. She said that Steven was going to finish what he started. I was sitting in the chair and out came the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. It was Steven, now Ruby." "How did that make you feel?" "I was pissed off. I was depressed." "Why?" "Because they took what I had wanted and gave it to Ruby instead. She looked so beautiful, light years beyond how I had ever looked. Yeah, I was depressed and angry. They were using Ruby to make fun of me." "Did you want to have sex?" "No. No way. After what I went through that day? I wanted to run away and never look back. They were obviously trying to humiliate and shame me." "What happened next?" "Ruby came over, took my pants off and gave me a hand job. And Miss Roxx recorded the whole thing." "Did you want a hand job? Did you want to be recorded?" "Hell no." "So, then you were raped." "I was raped? How could I have been raped? I got an erection." "That was a biological response, nothing more, nothing less. If you had any sort of sex against your will, you were raped, erection or no erection. What happened next?" "Ruby told me that I was going to be feminized the next day. She said she'd take care of me anytime I was horny if I promised to do whatever she wanted." "So, she blackmailed you. Did you agree?" "Yes, I did. Then I got hard again. She gave me another hand job." "Another hand job? You got another erection so soon?" "Yes." Oh my, a girlfriend with that kind of stamina is going to be... no, wait, focus Barbie, focus. "While she was doing it, she said that I would was going to get a makeover the next day, come back afterwards, return the favor and swallow all her cum. She said she was going to make me her bitch." "How did that you make you feel?" "I felt degraded and ashamed. Before we got caught, I wanted us to become lovers. Now she wants me to be her bitch? Yes, I felt degraded, ashamed, humiliated and, most of all, angry." "That's understandable, Kandy. What happened afterwards?" "Mom and I went home for dinner. Neither of us said a word. I went to bed early. I lay there shaking all night long. I don't think I got any sleep at all. I was so depressed." "What happened in the morning?" "Mom took me back over to Ruby's. Ruby offered everyone but me coffee. When I asked 'what about me?" I was told I could go get some juice. Miss Roxx offered Mom and Ruby cigarettes, but not me. Mom and Ruby fawned over each other. Mom said she wasn't appreciated. Miss Roxx asked me if I was looking forward to my makeover. I said 'no and I'm not going.' Mom was enraged. She slapped me as hard as she could and called me a little brat. Mom acted like she was sorry and offered to get me some juice. I got angry and called Ruby a little faggot. She came back at me, calling me a 'thieving, closet case bitch'. She started trying to act nice, telling me how much I was going to enjoy eating her cum. I started getting loopy and heard Mom say that she had slipped drugs into my juice to sedate me. Then as we were leaving, Mom and Ruby hunched each other until Mom had an orgasm, right there in front of me." "Kandy, hold on a minute. This may be premature but I'm not liking what I'm hearing. I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I'll be your safety net. There's something called 'emancipation' where a young adult can break ties with their parents, be freed from their control and the parents are freed from all responsibility of the youth. I really don't know much about it, but you'd probably be declared a ward of the state and the courts would probably have to appoint someone else as your guardian. It could all go sideways, I'm doubtful that the courts would consider Sherri and I suitable guardians. But if you want to investigate this, I'll be glad to pay for a consultation with an attorney. We would, of course, have to discuss this with Sherri but I'm confident that once she has heard what I've heard that she'd support it." "I appreciate that, Barbie, I really do. But that sounds really messy and who knows where I would end up. I think we should try to straighten this mess out." "If you say so, sweetheart. Please go on, but keep that in the back of your mind." "So, anyway, mom took me down to the salon. She had some bitch named London take over. London said she had heard how disrespectful I had been to Renee and that she'd teach me a lesson. I don't know how she heard, but it had to be Ruby or her mom. I'd been with mom the whole time, so it couldn't have been her. London plucked my brows and pierced my ears. She didn't do anything with my hair, just made me up like a drag queen and slapped a wig on me. Instead of nail extensions, she just put some lousy temporary nails on me with double-sided tape. I looked ridiculous, like a caricature of a woman. She started calling me Kandy. Get it? Kandy Kane. Ha ha. Very funny. A ridiculous name to match my ridiculous appearance. I had to sit around the salon all day looking ridiculous and listen to everyone make sarcastic comments about how great I looked, asking what time my drag show started, stuff like that. Then mom took me home and I had to do things to Ruby while she went on and on about me being a ridiculous looking little bitch." "So, you were raped again." "If you say so, I don't know. But it's pretty much been a mess ever since. I stayed home alone pretty much all summer. Mom and I hardly talked. I saw Ruby a couple of times, she's always gone. Renee says she's overseas in an immersive foreign language program but Ruby told me the truth." "What's the truth?" "Renee auctioned Ruby's virginity off to the highest bidder. They took my only friend away, turned her against me and whored her out. She says that her sugar daddy likes her so much that he's keeping her around. She brags about how rich she is and is always wearing expensive designer clothes whenever she's visiting home. Of course, she mocks me when she sees me. Who can blame her? I'm a freak. A boy with plucked brows and pierced ears. Mom takes me down to London after every big fight we have so she can make me look like an even bigger freak. She's taken something that used to bring me happiness and uses it against me like a weapon." "Wait a second, I don't get it. You looked fantastic the other day. You look fantastic today." "That London bitch opened her own nail salon down in Miami. A nice lady named Heather did my hair and makeup for your birthday and for today. She told me she's been watching and doesn't approve of the situation but there's not a whole lot she can do beyond treating me with a bit of dignity. She's really nice." "Hold on for a minute. When you were at my birthday celebration, did you want to be there? Did you want to do what, well, you know." "No, I didn't. Mom said that I had to so I could learn about being a woman. As always, I told her that I'm not a woman, I'm a freak. But then I saw you. You were so beautiful. You looked so happy. You looked like who I want to be. Then you said those nice things to me. The first nice things I've heard for, no, the first nice things I'd heard ever. Then, yes, I wanted to be there and wanted to make you feel good." "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I had no idea Kandy. Wait. Can I call you 'Candice' instead? Would you like that?" She smiles at me. "That would be nice, Barbie. But you know what? When you call me Kandy, I kind of like it. But, sure, you can call me Candice, too, especially around other people. It sounds so grown up." "Thank you, Candice. So, what about school? What's happened there?" "It's been pure hell. Of course, everyone has noticed my plucked brows and the little holes in my ears. Everyone taunts me, calling me queer and faggot. Tom, the captain of the football team, is in my home room. He's kind of the ringleader. He's always asking right in front of everyone if I want to suck his cock." "He probably wants you to." "Yeah, right." "No, I'm serious. The biggest homophobes are usually battling their own demons. You know, they're trying to conceal their deepest desires by openly condemning them." "Well, I don't think that's the case." "We'll see. You'll see." "What do you mean?" "Well, Candice, I think it's time for you to emerge, just like I am. I think you should start going to school as Candice." "I don't know if I could do that, Barbie. I'm scared." "Of course you are, that's understandable. But tell you what. What's worse? Going to school as a timid boy with plucked brows and pierced ears or going as a beautiful young lady? I bet you'd put them in their place." "I'll think about it, Barbie." "So, besides everyone giving you hell, how is school going?" "It's going great. I don't have any friends, I don't have anything to do. Pretty much all I do at home is study. It takes my mind off of everything. I'm getting straight A's." I smile at her. "Way to go, girlfriend." "I like that, Barbie." "What?" "You know, how you just called me 'girlfriend.'" "Well, you are my girlfriend. You're a girl. You're my friend. And I'd like to be your girlfriend in other ways, too." "I want that, too, Barbie." "But there's a problem, Candice. Technically, it's illegal because of your age. I could get in big trouble." "So, you don't want me." "Hell no, I want you so bad it hurts." She reaches over and starts rubbing me through my panties. "I see what you mean, Barbie. It sure is swollen. Would you like me to kiss it and make it better?" "I sure would, but not right now, honey." She keeps rubbing me. "Don't worry, Barbie, you won't get in trouble. First of all, I'd deny that anything has ever happened. Mom and Renee know lots of people: the mayor, the chief of police, lots of police officers. They even got Ruby a real driver's license saying that she's 18. I bet I could get one, too." "That might not be a bad idea but no matter what, I'm going to teach you the joys of being a woman, girlfriend." She reaches into my panties and starts stroking me. "Is that a promise, Barbie?" "Yes, darling, that's a promise, but not right now. Let's go fix our faces. Yours is a mess and I'm sure mine is, too." "Yeah, it is Barbie." I take her hand while grabbing my cigarettes and lighter with the other. "Come with me, Candice." As I lead her towards our bathroom, Candice looks at the bed. She starts tugging me towards it. "Candice, you little minx, not now. Let's wash our faces and then I'll do your makeup." We wash our makeup off and go to the vanity. I do her face for her. She looks so uch more mature and erotic than before. When she turns to the mirror, she is obviously pleased. "Wow, I look like a woman." "You are a woman, darling." I do my face as she watches. I turn to her. "Well?" "You're beautiful, Barbie." She looks at the bed. "Please, Barbie, can we?" I don't answer. "Now for the icing, Candice. Hold out your wrist." No Ciara for her, it's too youthful. I want her to smell as well as look like a woman. I pick up Sherri's Lauren perfume and mist her wrist before my own. I rub by wrists together. She does the same. I hold my wrist up for her to smell. "Oh, that's lovely, Barbie." She looks to the bed again. "Please, Barbie. Make love to me." "Candice, there's nothing more I'd like to do. But if we even touch that bed I'll be begging for you to fuck me. I want your first time to be with Sherri. She needs to be a part of us. She's a part of me. You're a part of me. You need to be a part of her, too. If you have the stamina you say you have, you'll be fucking me right afterwards, darling. Long, slow and hard. I have an idea. Wait here." I come back, clear some space on the vanity, put down my laptop and power it up. Kandy is trembling. "Barbie, what are you doing?" "You need a little reset, Candice. We're going to watch some porn together. Afterwards, I'm going to do something very nice for you. You can do it. You're the strongest woman I've ever met." "I am?" "Yes, you are. I don't know if I could have survived what you've been through. I am truly in awe of you, Candice. I'll be right here with you, you can do it." She stops shaking and watches me. I browse around a bit and load a video called "Hot Blonde 120's Smoking Blowjob." I press play and put my arm around Candice. She watches, entranced. The video comes to an end. "Barbie, do you like things like that?" "I don't know, darling, let's find out." I grab my cigarettes and lighter and get down on the floor, on my knees, in front of her. I pull out a cigarette, light it and exhale while looking in her eyes? "Candice?" "Yes, Barbie." "Just so you know, whenever you see me smoking and looking at you, I'll be thinking of this moment." I pull her cock out of her panties. I slowly stroke it while taking another drag. After I exhale, I ask her "Do you like seeing me smoke?" "Yes, Barbie." Her cock twitches in my hand. Precum oozes out of her slit. I stick out my tongue and lick it up. "Mmmmmm." Do you like seeing me licking and swallowing your precum, honey?" "Oh, yes, Barbie." "Yes, whenever you see me looking at you while I smoke, I'll be thinking of this moment and of doing it again." I take another drag and inhale. I open my mouth. I lower it over her crown. I close my lips around it. I lower my head until I feel the crown sliding down my throat. I pull my head back and off of her cock. I exhale the smoke. She has a glazed look in her eyes as she looks at me. Yes, she's relaxed. I resume in earnest. I start bobbing up and down on her, my lips wrapped firmly around her. I pull back so only the crown is in my mouth. I use my free hand to stroke her. She's long enough that I have plenty to stroke. I want her to think of me sucking her whenever I smoke. I look her in the eye while I'm stroking her. I take a drag and exhale. "Doesn't it look so lovely, those long red nails wrapped around your cock, Candice?" "Oh yes, Barbie, they do." "I can't wait to see yours wrapped around mine, Candice." "Neither can I." I take another drag and exhale. I lower my head all the way until she's in my throat. I start bobbing, never letting the crown leave my throat. Harder. Faster. There it is. The first twitch. I want her nickname to have positive associations that she thinks of whenever I call her Kandy. I pull myself off of her, my face hovering over her. "Candice, I want candy." I start stroking her, looking her In the eye, pleading with mine. "Kandy, Kandy, Kandy, give me your candy." I stroke harder and faster. "Give it to me, Kandy, give me candy. Fill my mouth with your delicious candy." I stroke even faster. There it is, she's pulsating. I open my mouth, still looking her in the eyes. I feel a jet of her cum fly through the air into my mouth. I look down to see a second jet flying through the air before hitting the back of my throat. I wrap my lips around her shaft right below the crown. I look her in the eyes. I bob my head with short shallow thrusts as she cums and cums and cums. I pull back and open my mouth so she can see her seed in me. I swallow about half of it. Then I start giving her cock a sperm bath with my tongue. I lick it off her, back into my mouth. I lower my mouth over her cock and start sucking again, her cum lubricating her as she slides in and out of my throat. What!? She's throbbing again. Impossible. "Here's some more candy for you, Barbie!" Oh my god! She's cumming again. Her head is pulsating in my mouth. She fills my mouth a second time. No more playing coy, this time I greedily swallow it all. I look up at her in amazement. "Oh my god, Candice, you came again. Can you always do that?" "Sure, Barbie, can't everyone?" "No, honey, they definitely can't. You know, I love Sherri so much but I may just have to keep you all to myself, darling." Sherri's voice rings out. "Don't be a greedy girl, Barbie, it looks like there's plenty for both of us!" I look up to see Sherri standing in the door to the bedroom. I was so focused on Candice that I hadn't seen her there. I wonder how long she's been there. Long enough, it would seem. I look at her and laugh. "Yes, there is. I just got carried away there for a minute, baby. Come over here and meet Candice properly." "Yes, I saw that you were. That was beautiful." She strolls over to Candice. She raises Candice's chin with her fingertips and smiles. "Hi Candice. I'm Sherri. I'm so pleased to meet you." She lowers her face and gives Candice an open-mouthed kiss with plenty of tongue. While she does, I start cleaning Candice with my tongue. I want to make sure that she likes Sherri, after all. Sherri breaks off the kiss. I get up off the floor and sit next to Candice. "Thank you Candice. That was amazing. You're amazing." I express my gratitude with a passionate kiss. That should set her at ease, assuming that she was ever uneasy about Sherri. She knows I've seen Sherri kissing her. She knows Sherri has seen me kissing her. Heck, she knows Sherri has seen me sucking her cock and swallowing her cum. We're all good here. No tension, no need to feel nervous or uptight. Candice gets up, pronouncing "Now it's my turn, Barbie." She applies a fresh coat of lipstick and lip gloss. Sherri takes Candice's place next to me on the vanity stool. Candice curls up in front of me and lights up a 120. As she takes it from her mouth and exhales, I see it coated with wet, glistening color from her lips. "Barbie?" "Yes?" "This is what I want you to think of when you see me looking at you when I smoke." Oh my fucking god. She plunges her face down all the way to my crotch, my cock slipping down her throat. She wraps her lips around me with an airtight seal. She sucks all the air out of her mouth and exhales it through her nose. Her cheeks are sucked in tight around my shaft like a vice grip. She loosens her cheeks and sucks them back in. Bloody hell, she isn't even moving and she's working my cock like a vacuum cleaner. Her cheeks still gripping me tight, she pulls her head back. My cock slips out of her throat. My lord, her mouth is as tight as Sherri's ass when I fuck it. I feel humbled. I thought I was going to teach her something and it's her teaching me moves. She releases me from her mouth and brings up her cigarette for a drag. As she exhales, Candice says, "So, Barbie, think of THAT when you see me sucking on a long slender cigarette between my glossy lips." "You..." Crap, I almost said, "You little bitch," before catching myself. Candice picks up on my mental regrouping. "Just say it, Barbie, I know what you were going to say and laughs. "You little bitch, you're going to give me an erection in some embarrassing places just by looking at you when you smoke." "Good. That was the whole idea wasn't it? That's what you're going to do to me. That was the whole point, wasn't it?" "Yes, but I didn't expect for you to outdo me." "Payback's a bitch, eh, Barbie?" she says before laughing again. "It sure is. It sure is." "Barbie, I want that to happen. I want for people to see you hard for me. It will make me proud. I want them to see my girlfriend get an erection just by looking at me. I don't care if anyone knows that my girlfriend has a cock. Do you?" "No, darling, I don't." "That's good, Barbie, because I get them a lot. You'd better get used to seeing your girlfriend with an erection in her dress or skirt." "Oh, and Barbie, one more thing: I didn't mind you calling me a little bitch. When you say it, it's a tender affectionate expression. So don't sweat it." "You're amazing, Candice." I sense, rather than see, Sherri's head pivoting back and forth between us during that exchange. She senses there's something deeper being discussed here. She's so wise, she doesn't ask for us to explain it now. "Now, where were we? Oh, right." She takes another drag on her cigarette and exhales. She plunges back down on my cock, all the way down. She repeats her move. Her throat, mouth and cheeks are wrapped tightly around me. Then she adds a twist. She starts massaging the underside of my shaft, right on the tubes under the skin, with her tongue. My cock throbs. She releases the pressure, stops the massage and remains still. I recover. I almost came there. She resumes. I throb. She stops. I recover. She resumes again. I throb again. She stops. This time, she comes up for another drag. She plunges back down, all the way down. She exhales the smoke around the base of my cock through her mouth and nostrils. It looks like I'm on fire. Hell, I am on fire. She keeps bring me to the edge of orgasm and stopping. This girl has skills! She repeats her signature move. I throb again. She backs off. My cock slips out of her throat but is still enveloped by her. She's sucking as hard as you have to if you try drinking a Frosty from Wendy's through a straw. Her cheeks are massaging the sides of my shaft. Her tongue is massaging the underside. She starts bobbing on my cock. Yes, her mouth is as tight as Sherri's ass. I know what's happening. The chills are coursing through my body. Every nerve ending is alive. My mind perceives everything. I hear a plane flying overhead in its approach to FLL, heading towards The Everglades before turning around to come back and land. I hear a car driving by the house. I hear birds chirping outside. I hear Sherri breathing. I even hear the tick, tick, tick of the clock across the room. I'm trembling and shaking uncontrollably. I throw my head back and yell "Candice" as I ejaculate into her mouth. It feels like I can't stop cumming. I feel five large bursts shoot out of me. She doesn't swallow a drop. She wraps her lips tight around me and milks out every last drop. "CANDICE! GET UP HER AND KISS ME YOU MAGICAL BITCH!" Thank god, she's not offended. She's standing above me, leaning over for a kiss, cum dripping from her mouth. We swap it back and forth between us. Eventually, we swallow it all. I break the kiss off and hug her tightly. "Kandy, Kandy, Kandy. That was fucking amazing. You're fucking amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." "My lord, Kandy, you're giving me an inferiority complex, girl" Sherri exclaims. "I am? Why?" "Because I have never, ever, ever seen Barbie cum so quickly from oral sex. Never. Hell, I thought I was going to teach you things but I see the student is the master here. That was amazing!" "Candice, where on earth did you learn to do that?" "Oh, Mom told me about some moves before your birthday party. I just wasn't ready to try it then, I wasn't ready. I could only do that for someone that's special to me, like you are to me now, Barbie." Gillian may have fucked up everything else, but she sure taught Candice one valuable life skill. Candice looks me in the eye before shifting her focus first to Sherri and then to the bed, the question clearly expressed in her eyes. "Not yet, Kandy, not yet. We need to straighten things out with your mother." "Can't we just lock the door, stay in here forever, the three of us?" I think about it for several moments, pondering it. Kandy can tell I'm thinking of it. "That would be heaven, wouldn't it?" I ask. "Yes, it would," I hear both Sherri and Kandy reply. We all laugh together. Yes, we're going to get along famously, there's no doubt in my mind. "Candice, we need to speak with your mother. Do you mind if Sherri is there?" She replies, but she's looking at Sherri. Her vulnerability is clearly visible on her face. "No, I don't mind. I want Sherri to understand me. I want her to know me. She needs to be there." "I agree. You're very wise, Candice." Sherri, sensing the import of the exchange, pushes between us to give Candice a warm reassuring hug. It's not sexual. It's like a mother should hug her child. Saying, without words, that she matters, that she will protect her, come hell or high water. It's beautiful. I wrap my arms around them both. If there was ever a time for a group hug, this is it. "Sherri, I've got to warn you, this is going to be a very heavy discussion. Gillian has really fucked things up. If she's human, it's going to tear her apart. We're going to have to try to pick up the pieces and put things back together. I don't want to go into it now, but you need to steel yourself." She senses the solemnity, earnestness, import and profoundness of my words. "I trust you, Barbie." We move in for another group hug. We break off the hug. "Let's get to it then" I say. We all repair our lipstick. I grab the cigarettes. I shake the pack to gauge its fullness. We're going to need more than that. I retrieve a new pack from the drawer of the vanity, pick up the lighter and we all head downstairs. As we walk into the kitchen, Sherri spots the remnants of the coffee cup shattered on the floor. "What happened here?" she asks. Candice and I both laugh. I simply say "I'll tell you later" as I go for the dust pan and whisk broom. While I'm up, I bring out three coffee settings. I fill my cup and a cup each for Sherri and Candice before emptying the carafe in the sink and starting a fresh pot. I pick up the phone. My fingers trembling, I pull up Gillian's phone number from my contacts and press talk. The phone doesn't even finish the first ring before Gillian answers. "Barbie?" "Yes, Gillian. We need to talk." "Is Kandy okay?" "Yes, Candice is fine. Well, she's fine now. But we need to talk. Can you come over?" "I'll be right there. I've been parked around the corner sitting here crying all day." She hangs up. "She'll be right here. She said she's been parked around the corner crying all day," I tell Sherri and Candice. I hear her car pull into the driveway. The car door shuts. A moment later, the doorbell rings. I look at Sherri and Candice before averting my gaze to the dining room table. They perceive my suggestion and start moving the coffee settings, cigarettes and ashtray to the dining room table. I repeat my Bataan death march to the front door. Shoulders drooping. Chin down. I get to the door and straighten myself out. I open the door. "Please, Gillian, come in" I saw solemnly. "Barbie, where's your powder room? I haven't peed all day. I need to piss like a racehorse." I show her to the powder room. She goes in, doesn't close the door. She pulls up her skirt, lowers her panties. She pees and pees and pees. Geez, what is she, a camel? I just stand there looking at her in her vulnerable position. She has really fucked up. I feel sorry for her. She has no idea what she's about to be hit with. She wipes herself, pulls up her panties and lowers her skirt. She washes her hands with plenty of soap and hot water. Another small plus: good personal hygiene. I lead her to the kitchen. She starts saying "Hi" and stops midsentence. She sees the solemn expression on Candice's face. "This looks bad" she says. I just say, "Please, have a seat. Coffee?" "Yes, please, Barbie." I take my time fetching the carafe, pouring her coffee and returning the pot, trying to delay the inevitable, I guess. I sit down. I light up a cigarette and exhale. I take a deep breath as to brace myself. "Elaine, I'm not going to bullshit you. Thinks are really fucked up. Fucked up beyond your imagination. I think they can be fixed. Candice wants them to be fixed. So do I. Sherri has no idea what the fuck I'm talking about." I take another drag and exhale. Here goes nothing. "Gillian, I'm going to get straight to the point. Alan has wanted to be a woman forever and ever. She was afraid to tell you. She was afraid to tell anyone. She kept this secret for years and years, feeling ashamed and like a freak." "That day Renee walked in on her and Ruby, it was all a scheme. A scheme Candice had planned for months. She was putting Steven in a compromising position. After she came, she was going to say that she was going to go clean up before returning the favor. But what she was really going to do was go into Renee's room and do her face with Renee's cosmetics. Then she was going to come back and try to seduce Steven. She hoped he would enjoy it and want to do the same. She hoped that they'd do it all summer long. She hoped that they would become girlfriends together, lovers. She had no idea that Steven had been dressing up, too. Candice was scared, afraid of rejection but also excited. She was finally going to share her deepest secret with someone, her best friend. Renee walked in and interrupted her before the scheme had barely left the gate." Gillian looks at Candice sitting there. A tear rolls down her cheek. "Oh, darling, I had no idea." "Now, you know what happened next. Renee took Steven down to 'A Cut Above' for the works. Ruby was born. Renee and you gave Steven what Candice could only dream of. Tell me, where was Alan, what do you think he was going through?" Darkness spreads over her face like the darkness of a total eclipse sweeping across a landscape. A tear rolls down her cheek. She starts to speak. I cut her off. "That was a rhetorical question, Gillian, let me tell you." Alan was home alone. He was disappointed. He was scared. He felt rejected. You didn't call. You didn't come home. He thought you hated him. That you were disgusted by him. That you were ashamed of him. You didn't call. You didn't come home. He's home alone thinking that if you cared, you'd surely call or come home to say everything is all right. But you didn't. He was sitting there, shaking and crying. He was thinking you'd kick him out. Abandon him. In a sense, though you surely didn't realize it, you did. You knew what had happened. But you got so caught up in giving Ruby 'The Works' that you didn't even stop to think about him." I stop to take another drag. I exhale. I see tears rolling down Gillian's cheeks. I start weeping. "Gillian, Candice almost killed herself. She was lying in a bathtub filled with water. She had a razor blade. She pressed it against her wrist. She punctured the skin. She drew blood. She lost her nerve and passed out." I stop and, looking down, stare at the table. I hear Gillian speak. "Fuck, I need a cigarette." I hear her open her purse. I hear Sherri scream. "ELAINE! PUT THE GUN DOWN!" What the fuck! I look up. I see Gillian. A gun is in her hand. The barrel is pressed against her temple. I speak as calmly as I can. "Gillian, put the gun down. If you do this, you might as well kill Kandy and me first." Crap. That was the wrong thing to say. She's holding the gun, arms outstretched, pivoting it back and forth, pointing it at me and Kandy. "No, this is my fault." She's pressing the barrel against her temple again. "I almost killed my baby, I don't deserve to live." She's openly sobbing. Her body is shaking. Her lips are trembling. I fear she might pull the trigger by mistake, even if she isn't ready to take the final step into death. I hear Kandy weeping. I look at her. She speaks. The first time she's spoken since Gillian got here. "No, mommy, don't. I need you." "Look, Gillian, look. There's the look you wanted. Your baby needs you. LOOK! LOOK!" "Yes, you're right. I see it. That's all I wanted. I wanted my baby to look at me like that. I can die happy now, I don't deserve to live." "No, mommy, don't do it. Do you think I'll ever be happy again if you do it? I'll be fucked up for life. Put the gun down, mommy. I need you. Put it down. Please, mommy, please." Gillian slowly lowers the gun. She brings it back up. She can't make up her mind. I speak. "Gillian, put the gun down and slide it over to me. We can fix this." She does. I grab it quickly. I eject the cartridge. I make sure the chamber is empty. I put it in my lap. I resume speaking. "Thank you, Gillian. We can fix this. It won't be easy. There's more. Candice has PTSD. There's more we have to talk about." I look over at Sherri. She's sitting there, her mouth wide open, her jaw hanging down, her eyes bugging out. I go on. "So, Gillian, there's the original trauma, but there's more. Remember when you brought Ruby home that day?" She nods her head. "Alan didn't want to be there. You know now what he had been through that afternoon. Now, imagine. Out comes Ruby, who he didn't know was TG, looking so much better than Candice had ever accomplished on her own. He wanted to look like that. It was given to Ruby, instead. She didn't want to be there. She sat there and got raped by Ruby while you guys recorded it." "But he wasn't raped, he had an erection." "That was a biological response. He didn't want to be there. He thought he was being mocked and humiliated. Whether or not that was the intent, that's where his mind was. Surely you've heard that a rape victim can have a biological response, like they're enjoying it, even if they're not." "I don't have to hear about it. I've experienced it. You're right, of course." "What you don't know are some of the things that Ruby said to Candice after you left. Ruby asked Candice if she'd do anything she told her to if she gave her more...uh...attention. There she was, beaten down emotionally, feeling alone in the world. She agreed, though I'd say the agreement was made under duress. She told her to never masturbate without her permission, she told her all his cum was hers. She told her she's going to be her bitch. She started dominating him." "Like mother, like daughter" Gillian whispered. Okay, there's more there. Move on. "Obviously, this was not the relationship Candice was seeking when she decided to come out to her. They were friends. She wanted to be girlfriends. She wanted be lovers. She didn't want to be her bitch." "So, Candice goes home. She lays awake all night, the hurt, the pain, the self-loathing and, yes, the anger festering in her mind. You take her over to Renee and Ruby's the next morning. What does Ruby do? She offers coffee to her mother and you and nothing to Candice. She treats her like she's beneath the rest of you. How did you think that made her feel? It was a dash of salt in the wounds that had been festering all night long. You and Ruby fawned over each other. Candice sat there feeling subhuman, not worthy of affection or even polite treatment. She was hurt and angry. Get the picture?" Gillian sits there weeping, nodding her head. "Now, what happened next? Renee asks Candice if she's looking forward to her makeover. She's sitting there having a flashback, feeling abandoned, ashamed, loathing herself for what was once her greatest desire. She lashes out. She says she's not going to do it. You respond to her suffering and anger with anger. You slap her and call her rude, after she has been treated so rudely." Gillian is weeping and blubbering. She looks at Candice. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know. Ah, fuck, I don't deserve to live. I hit my baby." "Then you act nice and bring her some juice. After you put sedatives in it, that is. You drugged her into submission. Then, when you're leaving, you make out with Ruby. You hunch her until you orgasm. To Candice's mind, you've stolen her girlfriend. You've stolen her dreams. You've done it openly without any concern for how Candice feels. It's only natural that Candice is angry and resentful, right?" "Right." You took her down to the salon, gave her to London, who proceeded to make her look ridiculous. Not like a lovely woman like she desired. London and everybody else humiliated and made fun of her. Even the name you gave her makes her feel like you're mocking her." Gillian just sits there crying and pounding the table with her fist over and over again. "Barbie, please. Give me back my gun. I don't deserve to live." "No, Gillian, I'm not giving the gun back. I know this hurts, but we have to go on if we want to fix this. The past eight or nine months have basically been a repetition on a theme. You try to feminize her, but in a mocking way. She resists. She never tells you that she wanted to be a woman all along. She's been living in post-traumatic stress the whole time. Any little thing sets her off. She responds defensively, lashing out. You get angry. You lash out. Candice has to go to school with her plucked brows and pierced ears, looking like well, I don't know what to call it other than queer." "Everyone at school mocks her, bullies her calls her names. Her best friend, who she thought she was in love with, mocks her relentlessly. Until her mother whores her out to the highest bidder and she goes away, that is. The entire time since that fateful day has been a negative feedback loop, a living hell." I look at Candice. "I don't know how she has survived. She's stronger than anyone should ever have to be. I don't think I could have survived it. She's much stronger than I'll ever be. Yet she's still so sweet and vulnerable. It makes me want to take her in my arms and love her forever." I return my gaze to Gillian. "So there it is, in a nutshell. There's no sense in litigating or rehashing everything that's transpired. The question is: how do we fix this? And I do mean 'we.' I'll help in any way I can. I'm sure Sherri feels the same way." Sherri nods her head in agreement. "But you need to take the lead on this, Gillian." I need her active participation in this. Candice needs to see her working to resolve this unmitigated disaster. I slide my cigarettes and lighter over to her. "Gillian, have a cigarette and think about it for a bit." Gillian lights up and slides everything back over, saying "Thank you, Barbie." The rest of us light up as well. After that near death experience, we all need a little relaxation. Gillian sits there crying and smoking, staring down at the table, occasionally looking up at Candice. She's sobbing the entire time. Eventually, she stubs out her cigarette, her weeping subsiding to sniffles. She looks up, looking Candice in the eye. "Candice, darling, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I knew something was going on with you for a long time. Mothers sense these things. I just never knew what it was. When Renee walked in on you that day and brought Steven in for 'The Works' I got caught up in it. You're right. I didn't think of anybody but myself and got into it. It was totally selfish. I abandoned my baby. I'll always think of it as my biggest failure as a mother. It was a failure. It was my failure. A total failure. I'm so sorry." Her water works start flowing again, tears streaming down her face. "I don't know how you can ever forgive me. It's all my fault. Don't even try to say it's your fault, too. Anything you've done that has angered me is because of my neglect. It's all my fault. I need you to know that I accept that and I want you to feel good about yourself. Don't ever blame yourself. It's all on me. One hundred percent." "I can't see why you'd ever give me another chance. I don't deserve it. If that's the case, I'll support you in whatever you decide. I won't fight you anymore. If you want to live at home and never speak to me, I'll support you. If you want to move out, I'll support you. Barbie's a much better mother than I'll ever be. If you ask nicely, maybe she and Sherri will let you move in with them. If that happens, I'll support you, financially and any other way I can. I won't try to stop you." "But if you do give me another chance, I make you this promise: I'll do anything in my power to make my girl happy. Anything. That's all I ever wanted. I wanted my baby to be happy. I just totally fucked it up. I thought you might be happier as a woman, we're so much nicer; we have so much more joy in life. You've always been so beautiful, so tender, so sensitive. Like a woman. I just went about it the wrong way. I tried to force something on you that you wanted all along and, in the process, I made you fight it. I was a bad, no a horrible, mother. Fuck. I shouldn't even call myself a mother." "I've caused a lot of damage, I know this. It will take a lot of work to repair it. But if I ever, ever start fucking up again, if I ever do anything to trigger a flashback to the trauma I've caused, all you have to do is say 'mommy.' That will be your safe word. If you say that word, I'll know that you're hurting and that I need to change course because my darling baby needs me to." "Is there anything I can do to start repairing the mess I've made, Candice?" Candice lights up a cigarette. She sits there and smokes for a while. She looks at Gillian and smiles. Getting "The Works" would be a nice start. Gillian starts fumbling in her purse. I hope she doesn't have another gun in there. She pulls out her phone and places a call. "Heather, I know tomorrow is your day off but I really, really need you. Is there any chance you can be at the salon at 9 a.m.?" There's a pause as Heather responds. "My daughter wants 'The Works.' No, not like with London. The real works." "I know, I know, I've been a bad mother. I've totally screwed things up. But I want to fix things." "No, I can't tell you all that has happened. That's up to my daughter. If she wants you to know either she can tell you or tell me that I can. I'm hoping that one day it'll all come out. I need everyone's help and support, I'm a mess." "Great. Thank you. You're a sweetheart. See you at 9 a.m. Yes, I'll tell her." She hangs up. "Heather says that she's looking forward to seeing you, that's she's going to go all out and that you're going be a knockout, Candice." "Now, is there anything else my baby desires?" "Can I get implants like Barbie's?" Gillian looks at my massive breasts and pauses. "Anything you want, darling." "Mom, maybe not JUST like Barbie's. But I definitely want nice breasts." "Phew, you scared me for a minute. But, yes, anything you want." Gillian picks up her phone again and places another call. "Hi Felicity. It's Gillian. I know this is last minute, but is there any way that you can see my daughter tomorrow. She wants implants." "No. She really wants them. I'm not forcing her. You were so right, I'm glad you refused to go along with my harebrained scheme. She wants them and, from now on, anything my daughter wants, I want her to have it." "Great. Thank you. We'll be there at 2 p.m. I can't wait for you to meet each other. You'll love her, she's a sweetheart. Bye." "Is there anything else, Candice?" Candice gives her the look. "I could use a hug, mommy." "Come to me, darling, please come to me." Candice jumps out of her chair, runs around the table and jumps in Gillian's lap. They're hugging each other tightly, both weeping. After a few minutes, Gillian looks up at me over Candice's shoulder. She's still weeping. She mouths the same words as before. "Thank you, Barbie, thank you," and buries her face back into Candice's shoulder as they both cry. Tears of joy. Not of sorrow.