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Family Dynamic Janet L. Stickney [email protected] I was just sitting there enjoying the sunshine while I was dressed up. I wore a very nice sundress, with a big floppy hat and modest makeup. I gave no thought to the idea that someone might see me, or decide that they wanted to meet me. After all, I was facing the lake, which was quite wide. Earlier that day I had walked the shoreline in my shorts and a blouse that I tied at the waist, just happy to be outside. My folks had let me use the lake house for the weekend while they went out with friends, and that gave me the time and freedom to be the girl I wanted to be. I had packed a lot of my stuff before I left, making sure that I had a coordinated outfit for each day, maybe even two. I changed the minute I was got there. It was pure heaven to wear that two piece swimsuit and just lay out on the deck, or walk the shore in my shorts. I had changed into the sundress and had just sat down when the doorbell rang! Since I knew that I looked okay, I got up to answer the door. Opening the door, I came face to face with my mother! "What..." I sputtered, "are you doing here?!" "I... Let's go inside honey." Once I shut the door... "I came to tell you that your father has had a heart attack. It's not serious and he'll recover"; then she motioned for me to sit down. "I figured I would find you all dressed up; that's why I rang the bell. To give you time to.... change, but I must say, you look very nice. You're getting much better doing makeup." "But how do you...." "How do I know? I saw those pictures you took of yourself and saved on your computer! But now that I can see you for myself, I must say, you look just darling!" "I think I'll go change," I said as I stood up. "Don't bother honey. Just touch up your lipstick and we'll go get a bite to eat. I'm starving!" "You don't... what I mean is, I thought you would be angry with me!" "Angry? No, not angry. I'm not even surprised honey! I've known about your little hobby for years, but it didn't seem to bother anyone, and you were always so careful! I just thought that you would outgrow it; I can see now that's not true, and besides, you're 19 years old now, certainly old enough to make up your own mind about what's right and wrong!" So. There I was, my mother just sitting there waiting for me to put on lipstick? I didn't know what to do, although my first instinct was to change clothes. That wasn't an option, not once mom had spoken, no matter how old I was, so I did what she told me to do, and out we went, for a bite to eat. I wasn't nervous about people seeing me, I was nervous about what my mother might do! We stopped at a small inn, went inside, and ordered a small lunch. "Your father will be in the hospital for about a week, maybe a bit more, then after that he'll be home, but the doctor said that he'll need total peace and quiet, so what I was thinking is that maybe you could stay here? Just for another week, or maybe even two?" She paused, then added, "but I doubt that you'll mind being able to be a girl for another week or so, would you?" With a sigh... "No, I guess not, but won't dad ask about me?" "I'll simply tell him you're here!" "Not about... this?" "No dear, I won't tell him... by the way, what do you call yourself?" "Ahhh.... Catherine. After Nana." "That's very sweet! Now, do you have enough clothing to get by on?" "Yeah, I have enough; I mean, I don't go out very often, so..." "But that's just silly! A pretty girl like you should be out having fun!" "Mom!" "Hi there," a voice from behind said. As we both looked up... "I'm Bill! I saw you this morning, walking on the beach, and I told myself that I just had to meet that girl!" "HI!" mom said brightly... "I'm Janet, and this is my daughter Catherine!" "Well," he said while staring at me, "I was wondering if you might be up for some dinner tonight? You're welcome to come along too if you like Ma'am." "I'd love to," mom answered, "but I have to get back. I just stopped by to check on Cathy, but she can go if she wants to, and I'll bet she would like that after being cooped up in that house!" "That's great!" I'll pick you up at... seven?" "Great," I said quietly, and a bit nervously. After he walked away, mom started to giggle! "Thanks a lot mom! Now he thinks I'm a girl!" "Well, for the moment, you are, right? And you certainly don't want him thinking you're a boy in a dress do you? So why not go out and have a bit of fun? And he is quite cute, isn't he?" When we got back to the beach house, mom asked, and I showed her what I had in the way of clothes. Not much really, just a few skirts and tops, some shorts and a swimsuit, plus three dresses. She harrumped a few times, but did not say anything, and she soon left, reminding me that Bill would be over to get me at seven. I was going on a date! As a girl! After mom left, I ran to my room, quickly stripped, and went in the bath for a liberal use of my hair remover and the adroit use of a razor. I wasn't about to take any chances! I spent almost an hour in the bath, then started to get dressed. I decided that a nice skirt and blouse would do nicely, and set them on the bed before getting dressed. I used the tape to create some cleavage, put on a bra, and with the gel inserts, I had a great pair of what looked like natural breasts. Panties that had a bit of hip and butt padding, then the pantyhose and finally the skirt. Sitting at the vanity I was very careful with my makeup, not over doing it in any way. Foundation and powder, a light blush, some tasteful eyeshadow, and eyeliner. Taking my hair out of the ponytail, I brushed it out and used the curling iron to create some modest curls; my hair just touched my shoulders, the bangs hanging just above my eyes. Green and gold earrings with the matching necklace, a gold bracelet and two small rings, then I added a touch of perfume. Nothing more or less than the average girl would wear on a first date. Stepping into the low heeled shoes, I stood in front of the mirror for a final check. The hem of the skirt was just at the center of my knees, the blouse just snug against my breasts; I had great legs! I smiled at my reflection exposing a row of white teeth. I had thought of dating, a dream that I never expected to come true, and wasn't even sure that I could pull off, but there I was, all set to go out with a guy for the very first time! I decided on a shoulder bag as a way to make me keep my elbows in, and quickly changed purses. Then I just sat and waited. Bill showed up right on time, and I let him take me by the arm as we walked to his car. He took me to a restaurant situated on the far shore of the lake; it was quiet with subdued lighting and soft background music. In other words, it was the perfect place for a guy to seduce a girl! "You're mom was welcome to come with us you know." "My dad had a heart attack today. She only came up to tell me in person rather than use the phone. She said that he would be in the hospital for a week or more, then he'll be at home, with total peace and quiet; That's why she asked me to stay here a bit longer than we planned." "Sorry to hear about your dad! But on the other hand, I very pleased that you'll be staying here longer!" "That's nice, but I might have to leave at a moments notice... " "Then we'll just have to enjoy ourselves while you're here, right?" He was a very nice guy, in college to become an engineer. I told him all about myself, except the fact that I wasn't a girl, using the truth as far as it went. As he pulled up in front of the house, he pulled me to him, and I knew I had to do it, so I let him kiss me. Before that went any further, I opened the door, thanked him for the dinner, and went inside. It had not been as bad as I feared; in fact, it was quite pleasant! I sat there on the couch for a while, then went to clean up and go to bed. The next morning, after a bite to eat, I put on my swimsuit and sat out on the deck drinking coffee. I was waiting for the sun to warm up, then take a dip in the lake. That too would be a first for me. But just as I was rinsing out the coffee mug, the doorbell rang. Opening the door, a delivery guy handed me a slip to sign, then shoved a huge box into the house! Opening the box I found a note from mom. "Cathy, "I picked up a few things that you'll need, especially if Bill is around! I checked your sizes when you showed me your wardrobe, so everything should fit. I also added a few special items that you might find handy. Mom." As I went through the box, I found nightgowns, slips, skirts, blouses, dresses, including one that was all black, and looked like it might be tight on me. Then I got to the bottom and found two boxes. Opening them, one contained a pair of very realistic breast forms, the kind that glue on, and in the other, a panty that would give me the appearance of a female! It also glued on! Inside that box was another note: "Just in case you decide to get frisky!" As if! But, I had seen them on the Internet, and always wondered if they really would do what they claimed, so I went in my room and stripped before I read the instructions. Following the instructions to the letter, I attached both breasts, then the panty. Looking in the mirror, I was shocked at how lifelike they looked and felt! The breasts were exactly the right size, a full B cup, while the panty rounded out my hips and backside, plus it had that slight swell below the waist which led to what looked like a vagina! Running my hands over my new shape, I was thrilled beyond words, and quickly put my swimsuit back on. I could now see the tops of my breasts, and a very slight indent below the waist! For the first time I felt as if I could dress in anything a normal girl would wear and go anywhere I pleased. It was a sensation that not many people can understand, unless they are like me, and I doubt that many women could figure it out either, because for them, it's natural. Yet, for me, being able to look completely like a girl was a thrill beyond words. As I walked to the beach it hit me. Why would my mother buy these things for me?! Does she like me as a daughter rather than her son? Does she think, or maybe know, that being a female is what I always wanted? And why did she even think that I would get, as she termed it, "frisky," with a guy? Having researched this kind of panty, I knew that I could, but why would she say that? I had to ask her, and I would, but only when we were face to face; not on the phone. The water was warm and I waded out a bit before taking the plunge, swimming out to the small floating dock we had anchored there. Climbing up, I lay on my back, letting the sun warm me up. I was there for a bit, then... "Morning Cathy!" Turning, I saw Bill! "Hi! What are you doing here?" "I saw you out here, and swam out! I was wondering if you want to try some water skiing?" "I've never done that before! I'm not sure..." "Ah... it's easy! Just do what I tell you, and you'll have a great time, I promise!" Well, I tried it. After falling down a few times, I did manage to get upon the skis, and it was exhilarating! He took me all the way around the lake before we stopped right in front of my house. I was soaking wet of course, and he and I sat on the beach for a moment to relax. "I had a great time with you last night Cathy, and I was wondering if we could do it again?" "I ... sure, why not?!" "Great! How about coming over to my house? I make a mean steak on the grill, and besides, my folks wanted to meet you, especially after raving about this gorgeous girl I just met!" "When?" "How about four? Tomorrow?" "Sure," I said, "I'd like that!" "Great! I'll pick you up at three? Casual. Shorts are fine!" "Not to meet your mother; I don't think so! I'll wear a skirt!" "Whatever, see you then!" After he left, I sat there wondering just how dumb I had to be to agree to meet his mother! I mean, she would pick up on the slightest fault, the smallest thing that wasn't perfectly feminine! But, I had that panty, and could show her that I was a girl, and she might even believe if she didn't look to hard. I went in the house, took a shower, and began to try on all the clothes that mom had sent me. That black dress? Well, I was right. It fit like a glove. Two thin shoulder straps to hold it up, short, well above my knees, and snug enough to display my figure perfectly. In other words, the perfect dress. The next morning I chose my outfit to wear to the barbecue. Mom had sent two peasant skirts, so I picked one of those, and a simple pullover top that matched. Once again I was in awe of the way I looked, the total newness of it still giving me a thrill each time I looked in the mirror. In the shower I carefully washed all the parts before I went to get ready. Once again I took my time getting dressed. Thankfully, I wasn't all that muscular, or tall, and my beard wasn't all that thick, and not dark. I did not look like either my mom or dad, but rather, my grandmother. In a way I was lucky because she was a very pretty woman, even when she was older. As I gathered up my purse, I checked the mirror one more time, confident that I could pull it off, even if mothers are very picky when it comes to their sons! Bill was right on time, and the short drive to his house took only a few minutes. The house was, like ours, situated on the lake, with a panoramic view of the entire lake. Obviously, they had the prime location. His mother met us at the door, his dad a bit further back. "Hi mom!" This is Cathy; the girl I've been raving about!" "Hello Cathy. I'm Sarah, and this is my husband Ralph; We're so glad that you could join us!" Taking my hand, she led me out to the deck. "Bill tells me that your father just had a heart attack?" "Yeah, but mom says that he needs a lot of peace and quiet, and asked if I wouldn't mind staying here a bit longer than I planned. It wasn't hard to say yes!" "Well, between us girls, I know that Bill is thrilled that you're here! He really likes you; in fact, you're the first girl he's ever brought home!" "I would have thought that he would have had a long string of girls!" "He dated a few, but you're the first one that he has ever raved about Cathy. You must be very special!" Just then my cell phone rang. It was mom. "I'm at the house honey, where are you?" "I'm at Bill's house. Is there something wrong?" "No honey. I just need to talk to you. Can I come over there?" "I'll ask." "My mom is at our house and wants to come over. She said she needs to talk to me; is that alright?" "Of course honey." Mom showed up a few minutes later, and the two of us went out front. "Your father had another heart attack honey, but thankfully there was a nurse right there, and they were able to stabilize him quickly, but he is scheduled for a bypass operation in a few days. This time I think you should be there, just in case." "Sure mom, I'll be there!" "Did you use those items I sent you?" "I have them on now, why?" "Because you'll have them for a while, at least until the glue breaks down a bit, and that means that you'll be Cathy for at least two more months. Your father won't know because he'll be out like a light, so it'll be okay." "Two months?" "Well, I know that's not how long you were planning on being here, but since you glued them on, yes. Two months!" "Is there a problem?" "No," mom said to Sarah, "Her dad is having bypass surgery and I want her to come home, at least for a while anyway." "Oh, I'm so sorry! Before you go, why don't you join us? We have plenty of food!" "Thank you, I will!" Well, our mothers spent a lot of time talking together, while Bill worked the grill, leaving me with his dad. He made his money in real estate, then retired early to enjoy life. Bill was their only child, like I was with my parents. "Bill seems stuck on you; I haven't seen him this way with any other girl!" "That's nice to hear, but maybe I'm not the girl he thinks I am. Maybe I'm an axe murderess!" "Oh, I doubt that! Let me guess. You were in the top ten in your class, you had lots of friends but no one special person, except maybe your dad, you plan on going to college, but only after you take a break. How am I doing? You like parties, but rarely host one, and the kids you grew up with are scattered all over the place, so you decided to come up here, relax, think about your future before you made any decisions." "You're good," I said with a grin, "except I was number one in my class, and I'm here to enjoy the lake, not to start over!" "Well, I was close!" "Steaks are ready," Bill yelled, and we gathered to get our plates. Bill sat next to me, and we enjoyed a lively conversation. When we were ready to leave, about three hours later... "Janet, you have a lovely daughter, and I do hope that everything goes well with your husband. When he's better, please stop by!" When mom and I got home, I asked her why she did not tell me about that glue. "Because you needed to find out what it's like to be a woman honey! Besides, if you glued them on I would know just how much you want to be a girl. If you didn't well, I would know that it was just a passing fancy! Either way we would both got to find out what we needed to know!" I said nothing, then... "Sarah tells me that Bill is all gaga over you. Have you kissed him yet?" "Mom!" "Well?" "Yeah. Once." "See! I was right!" "I was just being polite mom." "Not likely, but you hold onto that fantasy. I don't believe it, not for one second!" "What'll dad say when he sees me like this!" "Nothing at all. Like me, he already knew about your forays into my closet, and I think, that like me, he sort of expected this. In any case, he'll be out like a light by the time we get there, so it won't matter." "But he'll be at home before I can get these off! He'll find out! What then? What if he has another heart attack? It'll be all my fault!" "What if I let him know in advance? I know that I said that I wouldn't tell him, but it does seem to be the best way for him to find out, doesn't it? I mean, if he knows in advance, it won't be such a shock when he sees you! And on top of that, nothing is going to be your fault! Your father has ignored his diet, refuses to exercise, smokes those foul cigars of his, and has no hobbies! If anything, this is all his fault, and seeing you as a girl isn't going to change that!" "What'll you tell him?" "That you have decided that being a girl, at least for a while, is the right thing for you. That maybe you should have been a girl all along, or maybe not, but after a few months, you'll know for sure. That's what I'll tell him." "When are we going home?" "In the morning. I want you to pack for a week." We left about nine in the morning, and got to the hospital about an hour later. Like mom had told me, dad was out of it. The surgery took about five hours, and while we waited, mom told me that it was time that she and I spent some quality time together, meaning, in her words, "we would go shopping". I could imagine what that would entail. Dad was put in the recovery room, and we were told to go home and come back the next day. The doctor said everything went fine, so we left. That night I slept in my own room. It felt very strange to look at all the mementos I had accumulated over the years, a solid reminder that I was still a guy. But, I slept well enough, and the next morning mom left for the hospital alone, telling me she would call after she told dad about my change. Only then could I go to see him. I thought it was risky to tell him while he was recovering, but he would want to see me, and I truly was worried about him. After breakfast, I went to get ready for my debut. There was no way that I was going dressed like a tart, so I, "borrowed," a long skirt from mom's closet, it was tea length. I wore a simple top that matched, low heels, and the minimum of makeup that I could get away with. My hair was down, but didn't cover my earrings. Just about the time I was done getting ready, mom called. I was very nervous about exposing myself to my father like that, but mom had assured me it would be alright, so I left for the hospital. My dad was in the cardiac unit of course, which took me a bit to find, then, when I was just outside his door, I got the jitters. I had steeled myself for my great entrance, yet I became edgy and tense. Finally, a nurse walked out of the room and saw me standing there. "Oh Hi! You must be Cathy? Your father has been asking for you; just go on in!" Gathering my nerve, I walked into his room. Mom saw me first. "Cathy! Come see your father!" I walked around the curtain, and came face to face with my father. He just lay there looking at me, then he smiled! Unable to stop myself, I rushed to his bed and hugged him tightly. "You smell nice," he said. "Your mother told me about this... change? I was worried that you would look ridiculous, but..." "She is very pretty, and you know it," mom said. "Your mother tells me that you're going to be this way for a while." "Two months at least dad. I have to know if this is right for me!" "I see. You know that this isn't what I planned for you? I had hoped that you could take over when I retire." "And she can Ralph!" "But...." "But I'll probably be doing dressed like this dad." "So... you've made up your mind already?" "I guess." "No guessing," he said firmly. "Yes." "That's better," he said firmly, "it's different, but at least we all know where we stand, don't we? What about college?" "All they care about is enrolling a warm body and getting the tuition dad! My high school diploma only has my initials on it, so...." "That's why you requested it that way! You knew even then!" "Yeah." "Well, I've always been a man that takes things as they are, so let's just try this for a while and see how it goes. We can decide other things later, okay?" "You're not mad at me are you?" "Mad? No. A bit disappointed? Yes, but like I said, we'll see how it goes." I hugged him again, kissed him on the cheek, and stood back, basking in the special aura that comes when someone you love dearly does not blatantly reject you because you do something they don't agree with. Mom and I stayed for another few hours, then the nurses threw us out. She and I went home, had some lunch, then sat out on the patio. "Your father wasn't surprised when I told him, because like I told you before, he already knew about your little trips into my closet, so he knew that you've been dressing up for a long time now; Seeing you was almost anticlimactic I think." "He doesn't think I can take over when he retires because I'll be in a dress!" "It's not that Cathy. He had a vision of the future that has just been... adjusted, and he knows that there are many successful women running companies, so that isn't the issue. The issue is can you be the woman you want to be, or need to be? That's the only criteria he and I have. Taking over means that you'll have over two hundred people counting on you, and only a few know anything about our family, and frankly, they probably don't care who wears what, only that they continue to have jobs! That's what's on his mind honey, not how you look, or what you wear. He has invested his entire life into that company, and doesn't want to risk it all on someone that is going to be a woman one day and a man the next! The public relations nightmare that would cause might just take the company down! What that all means is that you have to decide." "Now?!" "No, not now, but soon. You have to enroll this fall, and if you do that as Cathy, then that will be your future; but if you decide that this is not for you, then enroll as yourself and I promise nothing will ever be said about this." "I.... I already know mother." "You're not going to change back are you?" "I can't, not now! It's like... I feel.... it's so... a girl could never understand mom! I mean, all your life you've never known anything else!" "Oh! I see! I can't feel sexy? Or enjoy a trip to the salon or spa? Or smell nice and wear nice clothes? Is that what your trying to tell me?" I had nothing to say to that remark, so I just sat there. "I think that what you need is a trip to the salon! Get a new hairdo, get your nails done, it'll make you feel great!" There was no reasonable answer to my parents reaction to my becoming a girl. Their stated reasons aside, I knew that they were both quite capable of manipulating a situation to their own advantage, although I really doubted that they would do that to me. The left only one of two conclusions. It was, as they told me, something they expected all along, or they were allowing me to make the change for another reason, one they had not let me in on. With that running through my mind, and after telling her that I was always going to be a girl, I had only one option. I had to become the perfect daughter, right down to the slightest mannerism. That would be the only way to meet any hidden agenda they might have. They did not rant and rave, yell or shout, deride me or abuse me in any way. It was all rather calmly accepted, as if it was preordained somehow. In my haste to accept my mothers gift of the breast forms and panty, I had overlooked the fact that she must have known all along that I not only wanted those items, but would most likely glue them on. The inescapable conclusion is that she knew that once that was done, I would have to face my father, with my boobs sticking out and a skirt wrapping around my legs. Why would she do that? I had to know before my foray into womanhood went any further, so I walked in the kitchen and confronted her. "You set this all up, didn't you? You're the one that suggested that I spend a few weeks at the lake house, right? And I know for a fact that the breast forms and panty have to be special ordered, which means that you also knew all along that once I had them, I would of course, wear them. You already knew that I could not resist the temptation, and you also knew that I would be forced to face dad like this! He might not have been in the hospital, but it was going to happen, and you knew that too! Why did you do this to me?!" With a sigh, she motioned for me to sit down. "Your uncle, my brother, was like you. He used to get into my clothes all the time and play dress up. Your grandfather, my dad, caught him once and beat him so bad that he had to go to the hospital, but back then, nobody did anything about it. About a year later he got all dressed up again, but that time he stupidly went outside, and he just disappeared over night. They found his body hanging upside down in a tree, his body mutilated below the waist and his throat cut. He had bled to death. My father was angry at my brother, but really pushed the police hard to find out who did it. It took them about two days. His friends did it. People he trusted. They abused him, then killed him Cathy. All because he wore a dress. When I saw the first signs that you were also dressing up, I was determined that you would always have the time, and freedom, to explore this.... this part of yourself. Over time, when it was obvious that you were doing this more often, even to the point that you were going out of the house when you were a teenager, it only reinforced our suspicions. At an age when you supposedly should have known better, you not only went out, you also took pictures of yourself. That's when your father and I both knew that it wasn't going to go away. After you decided to spend time at the lake, well, it was the perfect opportunity for all of us to learn our individual truths. For you, it was finding out that being more complete would give you the chance to discover everything else about being a girl. For us, it was finding out that our assumptions were right; we had a daughter in the making, and here you are! Did I set you up? No, but I took advantage of the situation in a way that let you find your own truth, and I think you have. Am I wrong about that?" "So... that's why we never see grandpa?" "That, and I don't want him to know about you until it's to late. After Greg died, he sort of regretted what he had done, and he bore the weight of his actions for a long time after that, but he still, to this day, does not understand people very well, and it shows. Honey, he is a bigoted, bitter old man that has never shown the slightest regret about what he did, but to this day, he still believes that he could have beat that out of Greg. I don't hate him, but I don't visit him either; neither does your Aunt Claire." "That's why we only see grandma!" "Yup!" "And that's why... this?" "Now, think about it! Why would any mother let her son run around in dresses, go out of the house, or even date boys, unless there was a very good reason? And why would any mother buy those sorts of things for her son unless she already knew there was no going back?" She went on to tell me about the so called friends that had mutilated my uncle Greg, how they were all cocky at the start of the trial, positive that they had done the community a service. They were all charged with first degree felony murder, rape, mutilation, and robbery. The charge of robbery made them eligible for the death penalty! They all got convicted, two got life without parole, one got the death penalty, and he was executed six years later. One of the other boys died in prison, killed by another inmate, the last one is still doing his time in solitary. I knew all about the others like me that had been killed or maimed, which only made me even more careful than I might have been. My mother had just revealed a family secret that I never knew about, one that was terrible beyond belief. I had always wondered why I never saw my grandfather, but never once got a straight answer, until now. The entire family had, in a sense, abandoned him. I just sat there, shocked at the events of the last few weeks, capped off by my fathers acceptance of me as a girl, and the revelation that my mother had a brother that was, like me, unable to stop dressing as a girl, and sadly, did not survive to enjoy it. At every turn my mother had made it possible for me to enjoy dressing up, then find my own way to the truth, whatever that might have been. I knew that she probably would have been happy for me to stop, but seemed just as content that I had not! "Now," mom said, "that we have that nasty bit out of the way, lets see if we can get in at the salon?" It was a new experience for me, but not unpleasant at all. I had my hair cut and styled, nail extensions added and just a bit if waxing on my upper lip. It was enlightening to be inside a salon as a customer; the way the women talked about their guys, houses, girlfriends and so on was very revealing. It was a side of women I had no idea existed! But, as I sat there, I began to wonder about my grandfather. How would he react to my change? Could he accept it without rancor? Could he accept me? I had never seen him, not once, yet I knew, that he knew, that my mother had a son, not a daughter, only I was her daughter. The germ of an idea began to take form. Mom and I stopped to get a bite to eat, then went back to the hospital. Dad was awake, and seemed glad to see us. In fact, he wanted us to help him leave! Used to working every day, he was just plain bored! "I'll bring in a laptop dad, that way you can stay in touch!" "Thanks honey. Talk to Ben. Tell him I need one that we use for the sales guys, and tell him to make sure I have full access!" "I'll try," I told him, "but those nurses said that you need total rest! They probably won't let you close to anything even resembling work!" "Cathy is right honey! In fact, you haven't taken a vacation is what? Three years? I think it's about time! After the doctor says it's alright, you and I are going on a long vacation, somewhere nice, like Switzerland, or maybe Italy!" "I'm outnumbered!" "Just do what they tell you," I said, "and you'll be out of here faster!" "Ben has a firm hand on things at work, so there's no reason to rush it. Just lie back and enjoy the rest." "Yes dear." After a bit, we started to leave, because it was obvious that he was tired. Mom kissed him, then I bent over to do the same, and he took me by the arm. "Don't let anyone try to change you honey, you are what you are; just do your best." "I will dad, I always do." I guess I wasn't that shocked when he told me that, but it was good to hear it anyway. I slept like a log that night, and was up early the next day. I got dressed, ate something, then left the house. I never saw mom. My parents had healed a huge chasm of doubt that I had harbored for years, now it was my turn to try and bridge another big gap. As I turned into the parking lot I saw her sitting there in the car. I checked my makeup in the mirror before I got out, then I walked over and stood next to her window. As she opened the door... "Hi Grandma. I'm Catherine." She looked me over, from head to toe before she said a word. "You look very nice dear. Lets go inside." We were seated by the waitress, and we ordered. "Mom told me about grandpa." "It was a terrible time honey." "Does he still hate people like me?" "Yes, because he can't understand it; and frankly, neither do I." "Me neither grandma. But, I am what I am, and I'm not going to change that. In fact, I've already done a lot to make me a girl!" "You're very lovely Cathy; and yes, I know all about you. Your mother called me and we talked. I can't say that I approve of this change, but I won't say anything against it either. This is your life, and you?re the only one that can decide what is right for you. I still love you, and I care about you, but twice? In one family?" "Grandma," I said softly, "it doesn't run in families. It's just a quirk of fate, that's all!" "I suppose, it's just that..." The tears started down her face, and as she wiped them away... "Grandma, you know that I love you dearly, and would never hurt you, but this is the real me! I can't change, even if I wanted to! I want you to love me, and care about me like before!" "I love still you honey, that won't ever go away. But seeing you brings back some awful memories." "Uncle Greg." She nodded her head yes. "Times have changed a bit grandma. Things are safer for people like me, as long as we're careful that is. I wanted to talk about grandpa. Does he know?" "No. I wouldn't tell him something like this!" "Can I?" "What!? Dressed like that!?" "How else would I dress grandma? I mean, I have my own boobs!" "Oh my! I had no idea!" "Grandma, I'm a...complete girl now, and I won't hide it, and I'm not ashamed of myself!" "It would just bring back so many bad memories honey. He might not be able to take it, and it might even be dangerous for you!" "But maybe it will help him get over a tragedy that's how old? 25 years? Maybe, if I could talk to him; I could tell him how I feel, maybe he'll be able to understand why Uncle Greg did what he did; why he couldn't stop." "And maybe he'll try to beat you too!" "Grandma, he's 73 years old! I'm 19! He couldn't take me no matter what I had on! And on top of that, he really does need to get some closure about what happened, and I just know that I can help him! Wouldn't it be nice to have everyone in the family talking again? Maybe...wouldn't he like to see Aunt Claire, or mom again? I might just be able to make that happen!" "I... I'll think about it honey, but don't you dare do a thing unless I say it's alright! I need to get him ready; this will be a shock, and I won't have him dying over it! No matter what you may think of me, I still love that man, and I can't have you endangering him in any way!" Well, by the time I got home, Grandma had talked to mom, and she was, to be kind, livid. Her face was red, her eyes were bulging a bit, and her fists were balled up. In all my life I had never seen her that way. "How dare you suggest that you see your grandfather? Just who do you think you are to make a decision that affects everyone in the family?! I'm telling you that you are NOT to approach anyone about this ever again, and I forbid you to talk to your grandfather! He is a miserable, cantankerous old man that deserves everything he gets, and maybe more!" She was almost yelling! That's when I knew there was more to the story that what she had told me. I didn't believe for a minute that she lied, I just didn't get the whole truth. I was literally stuck between a hard place and another hard place. Mom could not tell me what I could, or could not do, since I was over 18. On the other hand, I needed her to help me in a lot of ways. Because she was so adamant about this... "Tell me why then! There has to be more to the story than what you told me, or you wouldn't be like this! I mean, after all these years, maybe a bit of closure would help!" "Your grandmother was so shaken up today that she almost couldn't talk! She would have left him years ago except that women of her era stayed with their man no matter what; she has had a hard time too Cathy, she has missed out on all the family celebrations, the family parties we have once a year, all the birthdays. Claire and I both make a point to see her, but what kind of relationship is that? She knew about Greg, she knew, but did nothing to help him. She is just as guilty as he is! That first whipping he gave Greg? He used a wide leather belt to beat him, and didn't stop until Greg was nothing more than a bloody pulp on the floor. It took months for him to recuperate, and in all that time, my father never spoke one word to him!" "But why!? He had to know what he had done!" "He did, and he was proud of it! That miserable old man was actually proud that he was able to beat a 15 year old boy senseless! Claire and I did our best, but neither of us could understand why he did it; I think that's when Claire and I saw him for the person he really was. After that day, we, Claire and I, never hugged or kissed him again, and we both left as soon as we could. But, you're right. I did not tell you the entire truth. Those boys that mutilated Greg? They were hired by my father to, "teach," him a lesson", only those boys took it to far, and Greg died. Nobody knew that until the trials started and the boys started talking. Your grandfather was later charged as well, and he was convicted of assault, but back then the courts did not treat cases like that like they do now, and he was given home confinement, for all of ninety days! "We have all had to live with that, including your grandmother. Seeing you today broke her heart Cathy. All she could see was another family member ending up like Greg; she was beside herself with worry, and told me that under no condition can you see him. You are to absolutely stay away from him, and I agree completely!" "But why did she stay with him? I mean, he was convicted, he arranged to have his only son beat up and maybe maimed, but he ended up being killed!" "She didn't have a choice, not in her mind anyway. Now, do you understand our reasons for you to stay away?" "Yeah, I guess." "Don't try to see him Cathy, he WILL hurt you. He hasn't changed his view, and has never shown the slightest bit of remorse or regret, not once, in all these years. He is totally dangerous for someone like you!" "I won't do anything unless I talk to you first, okay?" "Okay." The family dynamic was now clear. The times that I saw my grandmother were always very few, and far between, never explained, yet always tense. Now I understood. There did not seem to be any way that I could help him, not after what mom told me, so I tried to put it out of my mind the best I could. Dad was released from the hospital a week later, and promptly smothered by mom. She insisted that he take at least two months off, and while he hated the idea, he really had no choice, and reluctantly agreed. He and I talked about my change only once, and I came away from that knowing that he still loved me, yet still worried about my safety. It was only when I told him that I looked enough like a female that I could go naked and get by that he relinquished his hold on that fear. He and mom started planning their vacation, so I packed up and went back to the lake house. They needed the time together, and I was just in the way. I was at the lake only a few hours when Bill stopped by. I asked him to come back later, and started putting my things away. I needed the time to myself. My little jaunt to let my dad know about me had become a travesty of knee jerk reactions, worry, fear, pain, and love, all combined in a way that made me pull back into myself a bit. I was a girl and I knew that, and my parents had even accepted the change, and I had a guy that wanted to be with me. In short, I had everything a girl like me could want, yet the stark reality was that there were people like my grandfather out there that would kill me in a hot minute if they found out. I lay on my bed for a while, then undressed, standing in front of the mirror naked, as I looked at my body. From the top of my head to my toes, I looked like a girl, right down to that triangular mass in my groin. There was no way that anyone could find out, so when I visually confirmed what I already mentally knew, I calmed down, and determined to live up to my parents expectations. With that in mind, I also decided that I had to find out just how much of a female I really was. When I kissed Bill, I didn't feel much because it was just a peck, but if it happened again and I reacted like a girl would, then I would know more about myself. I set about getting myself dressed, ready to see him again. After all, a girl my age usually has a boyfriend, so I decided why not me?! I called, Bill came over, and we enjoyed a nice afternoon. I made lunch, then dinner for the two of us. It made me feel like a housewife, and I enjoyed that feeling. When Bill made his move I did not resist, and a simple kiss led to an eager session of making out. I enjoyed that too. He wanted more of course, but being the good girl that I was, I resisted the inclination to go further than that, which left him moaning a bit. During that session with Bill, every fiber of my being was on fire, and I found myself really anxious to rip his clothes off and abuse him, but I did not. I stopped it instead. I guess I was afraid of what else I might learn. I saw Bill almost every day after that, and he began to call me his Marshmallow, referring to my soft inner self versus my unwillingness to sleep with him. Each day I grew more comfortable with myself, my past life fading fast as I lived the life I had always dreamed of. Almost a month later it happened. Bill and I were making out again when he grabbed my hand and put it on his member. Inwardly I groaned, but outwardly I began to stroke him through his pants. That didn't last long. Rather quickly I thought, he exploded in his pants. By the time we were done, we were both exhausted, yet somehow refreshed. I lay there cuddling next to him listening to his heart beating, knowing that I had completed a mental journey that began when I was a child. Slipping out of his grasp, I went to shower, slipped on some clothes, and made us a snack. He showed up a bit later, grinning at me. Bill was the very symbol of manhood; tall and strong, smart and funny, gentle and caring. All the things a girl could want in a man. Bill and I twice more did some exploring, each time I became more adventurous, until finally, I knew that any threshold that might lie between being a man or a woman had been crossed. I was a woman, and I was proud of it. Bill's mom and I spent time shopping, going to lunch a few times and things like that, and she became a very good friend. All in all, I felt that I had accomplished my goal of becoming a female. My parents came home two months later, and we had a great party, just the three of us. My dad had lost weight and looked just terrific, my mom looked as if she had found heaven. Together, they exhibited a loving relationship which extended to me as well. But, when Bill came over, they both knew, or guessed, that Bill and I had become more than just casual friends. They stayed a few days, then dad went back to work, while mom and I stayed at the lake house. "I think it's time we quit fooling ourselves. You need to see a doctor and start the medication so you can actually be a girl, don't you?" "You bet!" I started in a program a few weeks later, attended college, and during the summer following, I became a female via surgery. In a sense, it was almost anticlimactic. My father had started calling me his Princess, my mother a solid rock I could depend on for advice, and Bill? Well, we split and went our separate ways at the end of that summer. My grandmother died just after my surgery, leaving my grandfather all alone for the first time in his life. I have no idea how he felt about his decisions, and really did not care very much. He died later that year. Because I always knew in my heart that I was a girl, there was never any other course for me, and I was very lucky to have parents that understood that. My transition from male to female turned out to be less about my physical being, and more about my family, my friends, and how we all related to each other. I know of many other girls like me that were not so lucky, and I can only hope that they find the strength to be themselves, and find the love they deserve.