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A tale of concrete cows By Lina S. Ian hugged me. It was a nice and honest embrace. "I'm glad you're alive and better already. When Catherine called and told me something happened, and you are in hospital I came right away. Can't remember being ever so worried about you." After parting from the embrace he squeezed my left hand which made me wince a bit. I still had an uncomfortable cannula in there. "And you don't remember anything? I'm so sorry Chelsea." "I'm okay, I'll get over it. No memories mean I most likely won't get haunted by what happened." "Stilly scary. And the bloody bastard doing this to you will get away with it." Ian was my best mate. So far, he was my only mate. He had always been there for me and maybe we should have been a couple. But I've been Charles not long ago. Ian doesn't know that. In his memory, I've always been Chelsea. And I keep it like that. Charles was a miserable person. Charles would be dead now anyway. And even I don't ever want to be reminded of him. It's good he's gone. Forgotten. Now, stripped of my dark thoughts, I start looking at Ian differently. He is good looking. Angular face, some freckles, reddish hair, usually some stubble in his face. I never cared. But now I like it. Imagine his stubble on my cheeks. And he's so nice. He always was. So, if I had always been Chelsea, I could imagine that we'd have fallen for each other. Maybe we would be married now. But Ian is engaged to Fiona. They met a while ago. So, he better not go and hurt her with falling for me. She's a nice person. She doesn't deserve this. But we're mates. Best mates. And I don't think his thoughts had changed since I'm Chelsea. After all, I've been Chelsea all my life in his memory. Sometimes I feel bad that there has been such immense tampering with his mind. And not only his. I can't think of anyone who would know me as Charles. Besides me of course. I remember Charles. And being him. But that makes me shiver. It was awful. That's why I tried to end it. But somehow, I was a clinger to life. Never could go through with it. But I tried several times. And maybe some higher force saved me. Well, obviously, under no circumstances could anybody have survived that night. "How's Fiona?" *** One step. Just one step. Shortly before the bus passes. It'll be over then. I could rest. I could sleep. Forever. Without pain. I stood there. Watching the bus. And watching it leave. I still stood there. Fuck. I couldn't do it. Again. Maybe the next one. Or a lorry. It was one of the bad days. There are only bad days now. Some are just bad, some are worse. But never good days. The days where I can't stand it. The days I can't look into a mirror without getting the overwhelming compulsion to smash it. Rather with my head than anything else. Maybe I would bleed to death then. But I did nothing. I never did anything. I just felt miserable. Sometimes more, sometimes less. But always miserable. I moved here years ago. Trying to find new opportunities. Tried to be unknown. But to be honest, I never had many friends. Except for Ian. My family, well, we're never been close. My mum contacted me sometimes, saying she's sad I moved away and always being so distant. My dad ran away when I was little. Maybe he was my role model and inspired me to run away as well. Don't know if he had the same motives though. The only person I always got along with was my sister. She is two years older than me. But when we grew older, she got more interested in other boys than her brother. I felt pushed away and distanced myself from her as well. I think I hurt her. I should have killed myself ages ago. Everyone would be better off without me. I'm a failure. A freak. That's why I hate myself. That's why I never wanted to do something with others. It was me. Not them. People tried being friends with me. But I couldn't. It felt wrong. I should have told someone. But I couldn't. Sometimes I think my sister would have understood. But I'll never find out. I should have moved to London. Even more anonymity there. They might not even notice or mind my corpse lying in the streets. They're too busy there to mind. Instead, I moved here. The city of roundabouts and concrete cows. Such an odd place. All artificial. Except for the old parts which were swallowed by Milton Keynes. They were allowed to keep their character. Milton Keynes wasn't helping me. Not much you can do here. Only shopping and Eating and shopping again. And I can't go shopping. I tried. But I can't. I don't think I can bring myself to do it. Not even online. But it would help. Getting the clothes, I desire to wear instead of the clothes society wants me to wear. When I wore my sisters' clothes secretly. They made me feel better. It made me feel real. But I was born a fake. Male body. Female brain. Just doesn't fit together. Doesn't work together. It's like an endless war. And you're the only victim. I usually feared I would get caught when I was crossdressing. My mind was on a constant watch for noises that do not belong in the empty house. Like a knock on the door and or Keys in the lock. But I also hoped I would get caught. Maybe it would ease things. Someone would know. Maybe putting a hand around my shoulder, comforting me, and understands. I wouldn't be alone anymore. But it probably would only complicate things. That's why I never told anyone. And became who I am. A loser. A Failure. When I left the small village on the east coast and came here I had a tiny tad of hope my life would get better. But it was smashed to bits soon after. My life wasn't more worthy than the greasy smell that always lingered around Xscape. I worked for an insurance company, but they downsized and I was let go. While I never liked the job there, being at home now gave me only time to think about the misery I'm in and was spiralling more into deep depressions. My mum, my sister, and my only mate Ian became quite concerned. But I couldn't care less. I was past that point. I wanted everything to end. I tried to think about it. Maybe one the trains at MK Central, the ones from the north towards London or opposite, they are so fast when passing through, there's hardly a chance to survive, it would squash me into tiny bits. Probably very unpleasant in the aftermath, but I wouldn't be there for that. So why bother. I went there. Often. But once I stood at the platform, I couldn't do it. I was like rooted into the ground, couldn't move my legs until the train was long gone. "Y'alright, lad?" I woke from my trance by that and looked to see one of the station employees next to me. I could feel the paleness in my face. "You okay Lad?" He grabbed his radio. "Yes, I'm okay. Forgot something" And with that, I hurried up the stairs from the platform and out of the station. That bloke probably sensed what was going on. I don't want the police to take me and bring me to the hospital getting my psyche evaluated. Better try less populated places next time. I locked myself at home. I wanted to cry. But I couldn't. Bloody maleness. Can't even have a little catharsis from crying. Lorries, Busses, maybe pills. A few possibilities. The latter would be less violent, not as bad for those getting involved once I'm dead. And Lorries and Busses had the same effect as trains. I just couldn't move and go through with it. Some pills. Lots. And alcohol. And not waking up. Sounds relieving. My sister Catherine wanted to check on me Friday afternoon. I decided Friday night will be the night I end my life. I bought all kinds of pills which had a reputation for being contradictive with alcohol. Probably with each other as well. Just have to make sure I'm not going to throw up. I also have some sleeping pills I nicked ages ago from my mum I met with Catherine at the Starbucks at the midsummer place at the centre. She told me how worried she and mum are. But I didn't listen. My mind was already back home. I would detour my way home and take me to the Asda in Bletchley and get something strong from the spirits aisle. When Catherine had to leave, I looked in her face. For the last time. I would never see her again. She won't see me again. At least not alive. I wondered if she sensed something. That I'm more absent than usual. "Give mum a hug from me," I said silently before I turned to leave towards my car. I felt sadness. Different from my sadness I normally feel. I turned around but couldn't see Catherine anymore. At Asda, I went for a bottle of cheap gin and a bag of crisps. It was all I needed. It was more than I needed. And then drove back to my ground floor flat in Two Mile Ash. Once I was home, I prepared everything. My pills, the gin. I'm going to do it tonight. I was determined. But I was at the train station and on the roads too. But so far everything went as planned. I made sure not to lock the front door. It would be easier when they find me. And put a yellow post-it note with "Sorry" written on it on my coffee table. I couldn't bring myself to write an actual letter. I know I will disappoint everyone who tried to help me. But I can't be helped. This is what I need to do. Only this will soothe my mind. I took the two sleeping pills. And a few of the others. And then took a long sip from the gin. And another one. I should feel tired soon. Soon I'll be asleep. Forever. One more sip. Nothing. Yet. I drank more of the gin until the bottle was left half empty. Still nothing. Weird. I should be at least tipsy. And nothing from the pills. I don't feel anything. Not even nauseous. How's this even possible. Half a bottle of Gin, two strong sleeping pills. My mum took a half every once in a while and blacked out half an hour later. Why don't I feel anything? It's been an hour now. Were the sleeping pills too old? They can't go that bad, can they? Should I drink more? Probably. Dying sober makes no sense. So, I drank more. Until I finished the bottle. Still not feeling anything. How? I decided I need more. If I don't feel anything, I can at least die from the intoxication. But I only bought one bottle at Asda's. Shit. After 11 already. Means the One-Stop has closed already. The petrol station on Monks Way is open though. 20 minutes walk. Roughly a mile. I won't drive. I would kill someone else instead of myself. Maybe I can sort my mind over what is happening in the cold late October night. I stepped outside. It was really cold. Almost felt like it could be freezing. But it was only the windchill. 10 minutes of walking and my mind became cloudy and the world around me blurred. The alcohol finally hit. My brain was all hazed up. The footpath rocked like a boat on the stormy North Sea. I kept walking. I tried to focus ahead. Green shimmer. Must be the petrol station. I trudged on. As best as I could and towards the green. It was all I could see. I couldn't even see my hands when I stretched an arm out in front of me. But my arm felt heavy, making me stumble. I let it fall beside me again and concentrated on the steps that moved me forward. A loud rumble made me jump. It came right from above me. A train. My mind was too hazy to realise that I made a wrong turn and moved away from the petrol station. I only focussed on the green shimmer. I was close already. I could sense that. Anything else was completely dulled. Clouded breath danced around my face. Moving became harder and harder. But the green light. Need to go there. It was piercing through my mind. Pulling me. Pushing me. I couldn't walk anymore. But I did somehow. I was almost there. A few more steps. Maybe, how could I know? I was barely conscious. But I must be close. Shortly after. Or maybe an eternity. I saw the concrete cows emerging from the blur. Something Milton Keynes is famous for. Some art instalment I never cared about. How could I end up here? They were further down the road than the petrol station. But it's them. The green shimmer. Was that a new thing. Lighting them up in colours? I was cold. I should just break down here. The cold grass, I would fall asleep and freeze to death. Finally. No way back now. I lost balance and fell to the ground. Closing my eyes. I will die. Something shook me. What? The green shimmer was gone. Something flashed blue. I drifted back to unconsciousness. Voices. Bright light. I was moved. I felt that. But I couldn't wrap my mind around what is happening. But I didn't feel dead. Bloody hell. "Alright, love?" I heard. "What's your name?" someone talked. To whom? Me? Where was I? My vision was still blurry. All I could see was a bright light. Something was rocking me. A siren wailed. Everything went dark again. Unconsciousness felt like a cosy warm blanket. But it was ripped off of me again. I felt instantly cold. No Siren, but a blurry vision. More voices. They seemed busy and a bit hectic. Someone counted. My body moved violently. Still bright light. And cold. So much cold. There was my blanket again. Next time it was taken away from it was quieter around me. Everything felt odd and weird. Something beeped. Still couldn't see enough to make out what is happening. Why haven't I died? Hospital smell crept into my nose. Everything felt off but after a bottle of gin, some bad pills, who wouldn't feel that way? Why was I saved? Who saved me? I tried to sort my thoughts in my foggy brain. What happened. I left my flat. Walked towards the petrol station. Holes in my memory. Cows. Nothing made sense. My blanket came back. When my senses came back to me it felt different than being thrown back into consciousness. Just waking up. My vision was less blurred. Daylight filled the room now. A hospital room. My legs and arms felt numb. Everything else is odd. My head was throbbing. Someone must have found me and called 999. I'm such a failure. I can't even take my own life. Someone came into the room. Maybe a nurse. I just saw silhouettes. "Oh, Darling, you're awake. How'd you feel?" I tried to answer but instead of speech, only high-pitched noises left my mouth. "No worries. It's normal after you've been through, Love. We've contacted your family; they should be here in the afternoon." Oh, Fuck. Catherine will be pretty mad at me. Meeting her yesterday afternoon and then went to kill me. I can see her already in front of me, with a judging look. My vision cleared more. Life returned to my body. Somehow, I felt lighter. And tired. And even though I felt like shit, I didn't feel hungover. Which was weird after so much alcohol. I closed my eyes again, drifted off to sleep peacefully. But was woken by a nurse soon after. "Darling, the police is here, and want to ask you some questions." It was the nurse from earlier. I could see someone behind her. Why the police? The nurse left, left me with the other person alone. I tried to focus my vision onto that person. It was a woman, wearing a police uniform. I could see that through the blurriness. "Miss Davies?" I heard her say. Miss? Now I know why there isn't any hangover feeling. I'm still drunk. I said nothing. "Do you remember last night?" I shook my head. "Do you have any idea what happened?" I shook my head again. Not daring to admit my attempted suicide. "You were found at the concrete cows, intoxicated and disoriented. The Hospital informed us that you were quite drugged." I was. Probably still am. "They suspect that someone drugged you and tried to rape you." My eyes went wide. I felt a hand on mine and looked. The hand which was attached to my arm wasn't mine. And so was the arm. So much smaller. Slender. Feminine. What the... My heart was pounding. No, it was racing. I could feel it in my chest. Then I became aware of the hospital gown, that tented away from my chest. The policewoman squeezed my hand to comfort me. "No worries, darling, the smear test showed you weren't raped." "I wasn't?" All I could think of. What is going on? What happened last night? Did I actually kill myself and got reincarnated? But right here? They found me at the cows, I remember being there. At least vaguely. And I was addressed by my actual last time. Something really weird is going on. "Miss Davies?" "Huh?" I snapped back into the hospital room facing the policewoman. "If you can remember anything please contact me. We want to get that bastard who did this to you!" I just nodded. Couldn't think of anything smart to say. I was just overwhelmed. I was a woman. I don't know how. And why. And I honestly don't care. Seems like the universe just corrected a mistake. They even knew my name. How? My Wallet! I had it with me. But my driver's licence says, Charles Davies. Why don't they think I'm the one who assaulted me? What? No one assaulted me. I looked around the Hospital room. I couldn't see anything about my belongings. My hand slided under the bedding towards my thighs. I let it rest there for a moment and then took a deep breath and let it wander in my crotch. No balls. No cock. Instead, I found a slit between the labia. I was all woman there too. I needed some answers though and rang for the nurse. "Look who's back with the living." She smiled when she entered the room. How ironic. "Can you tell me what you know about me and last night? My memory stops with leaving home." "You don't even know where you went?" I shook my head. "We also don't know much. You were brought in by an ambulance, suffering from hypothermia. You've been outside for a while. You seemed drugged, bloodwork confirmed it and we suspected you were raped. Luckily you weren't. But someone tried to. Your guardian angel was working overtime for sure, Darling.." "Am I injured?" "Physically you seem fine. We keep you here to make sure overnight. But you probably should be able to go home tomorrow." "Can I get up? I need to go to the loo" I didn't. But I needed to see me. "Sure. Let's get you on your feet." She helped me get out of the bed. I felt all wobbly. Once I stood, everything started spinning and nausea building up in my belly. Once my system stabilised itself again, I felt better again. The nurse helped me with the infusion, a tube was connected to the cannula in my left hand and was feeding me fluids. I could feel the breasts on my chest. They felt weird but pleasant. Right. The infusion bottle was hung on a different drip stand so it could be wheeled around. "Hold on to this and I hold you," the nurse said as she gave me the pole and led me to the bathroom. A strange but familiar-looking woman looked back from the mirror. She had the same chestnut hair as me. Just longer. Past my shoulders. She looked like me. A lot. But so feminine. Paler. Probably because of the circumstances. My hand touched the mirror. She touched back. "Hello," I whisper, and she smiled at me. She looked like my sister's sister. Weakness crawled back into me. And I did use the bathroom quickly, I do not want to get up soon again. I was scared. And yet I somehow knew what to do. I went back into the room and bed. The nurse assisted me again. Getting up made me dizzy. What happened last night? Something saved me. Maybe the same thing that saved me all the other times. Held me back when I was about to step in front of a train or bus. It made that the pills and the alcohol did not work in the way I intended. It led me outside, to the cows. Maybe it wasn't the alcohol which made me all foggy. Maybe it was it. The starting change. It made my dreams come true. The woman from the mirror appeared in my mind again. She was beautiful. Even when she looked like she ended up in hospital after a rough night. Which she did. They went through my stuff, otherwise, they wouldn't have known my last name. I would be Jane Doe then. Jane. Not John. It made me smile. And they contacted mum or Catherine. I gazed at the hospital bracelet on my wrist. Part of me was scared of what it will show. I looked closer. Chelsea Victoria Davies. I'm Chelsea. The other details were just as I remembered them. But Chelsea was new. And nice. I liked it. "Chelsea," a familiar voice shrieked. I must have dozed off again. Shit, my mum, this will be awkward now. "What happened?" she asked me with a very concerned looking face. Why is she calling me Chelsea? "I don't know. I can't remember" When the words left my mouth, I could feel tears filling my eyes. Mum hugged me, I hugged my bag. Such an honest embrace. I never felt anything like this. Ever. But I'm really honest. For others, it might have looked that I was upset that I don't know what happened to me last night. But I knew what happened. Kindo of. And the tears were of pure joy that my mum calls me Chelsea and not Charles. It also made me feel bad about my dishonesty. If I was somehow given a new chance in life, I should make the best of it. And that also means being honest to myself as well as to others. Especially the ones close to me. But someone or something had chosen that I'm a potential rape victim right now, probably as a cover-up. And to be honest, the rape victim cover makes much more sense than the truth. Even for me. I could feel another person touch me. I looked up, it's Catherine. She looked just as concerned as mum. Tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry sis. I should have gone with you and stayed the night as you asked." I did not. Oh shit. No, this is not fair to Catherine. I don't want her to feel bad. I squeezed her hand and tried to smile at her. Nothing smart to say popped in my head. "It's okay. It's not your fault. I knew you were busy." And she was. She told me something she has to do; I hadn't paid attention though as I was miles away. Mum tried to find something out and asked me again and again if there was anything, I remember from the point I left home. But the truth is, I don't. Not in this fake cover up rape story nor in reality. I left home, awoke in Hospital. The infusion bottle was empty now and when the nurse checked they detached the tube but left the cannula in my hand. It started to hurt when I moved my fingers. Once the nurse left the room mum did as well, to get us some tea and left Catherine with me. Catherine just hugged me. The sisterly hug I knew from her but much tighter. "Not your fault I told her; you did nothing wrong." "But you're my little sister, I should have kept an eye on you." "Hey, nothing happened. I was drugged but I'm okay now. And whoever tried some shit on me, I must have fought him off." And I did. I fought him off. Just differently as others may think. "That's my sister." She smiled and stroked my cheek, still a concern in her eyes. Seeing their loving support made me feel bad. Bad about what I wanted to do to them. And I guess I got what I wanted. Charles is dead. But Chelsea is here now and very much alive. And I liked being alive and loved. For the first time in ages. "I called Ian," she said. "He's on his way too. Hope you don't mind. He was really concerned. I still don't understand why the two of you never went and became a thing. He's a good lad.." I felt the heat that built up in my cheeks. "Oh, some colour in your face," she laughs, and I decide it's best if I'd join her laughter. I blushed for a reason. Because she was right. He was a good lad. He was always there for me. I've been the bad one all the time. Never appreciated him. And even now in this altered reality, he's there for me. And thinking of him made me realise how good looking he is. But I've been a bloke until just last night, so of course, we aren't a thing. He was never gay. I don't know, never gave much thought about sexuality. And he's engaged to Fiona. I like her. He deserved someone like her. She is everything I never was. Mate. Listener. Lover. Female. Mum and Catherine stayed with me a while until they left for their Hotel, both insisted on being there for me the next day when I was most probably discharged from hospital. And despite all the circumstances, I can't remember ever having a better time with them. And I was happy for them that they haven't lost me. Shortly after mum and Catherine left Ian put his head into the room "Hey up, Lass." It made me smile. He had a huge bunch of flowers with him. I was pleased to see him. No one ever brought me flowers. He sat next to me on the bed and we talked for a bit. "How's Fiona?" "Jealous, as always when I go to see you." Oops. Right. It wasn't friendship between two lads anymore. "But she's also concerned. She wished she could have come as well. I get her jealousy. She's fake exaggerating it as well, she likes you. Glad to see you're better already." "Honestly, I'm fine. Life's getting back into me." So ironic again. "How long will they keep you here? "They say I can leave tomorrow." "That's good." "My mum's here as well, they stay overnight. Won't be on my own tomorrow." "That's good. I can't even imagine how you must feel right now." "Ian?" "Chel?" "I'm sorry I've been such a bad friend all the time. I could have done better. Thank you for being always there for me. I don't deserve someone like you in my life." "What are you talking about? You've been busy, I've been busy. We're not children anymore. I never considered you a bad friend, even when you weren't returning texts or answered calls sometimes. Friendship's thicker than that." And with that, he put his arms around for another embrace. It felt good. Comforting. I will never push someone away who tries to help me. Some people love me. They always loved me. And they don't deserve the cold shoulder I always gave them. Chelsea will be a much better person than Charles. She already is, I can already feel that. Ian sat with me for a while. Held my hand. I didn't want him to go. But he had to. He had to go back to London. To Fiona. Was I jealous? Maybe. But I felt that I didn't want to be alone. For the first time, I realised how lonely I was, that I pushed everyone away, lost everything. What should I do? No Job, no Friends. Not here. Maybe I can stay with mum for a while? Pseudo recovery. Recovery. I felt even more alone once Ian left the room and I knew he wouldn't come back. So alone. Alone until the next day. In a sterile hospital room. Would I be better off at home? I'm tired. If I go to sleep it would be the next day soon. The day people won't leave me alone in the hospital but take me with them. *** "morning Charles" The nurse almost yelled into the room. What? Charles? I looked around. Still the hospital room. I felt myself. I was Charles. A man. I never felt so much grief for anything then for the loss of Chelsea. "You can go home today," she said and placed a hospital meal tray at the bedside table. I didn't look. I just stared into the blank. Tears rolled down my cheeks. This can't be real. It can't be happening. Everything felt so real. Far too real for a dream. But so did Chelsea dream. I ignored the breakfast. I wasn't hungry. I felt nausea coming over me. Thoughts of vomiting into my lungs so I could suffocate right here and now filled my mind. I was back to being miserable Charles. No, not true. I wasn't back, it was worse. I was even more miserable than I had been. I got out of bed. Went carefully into the corridor. What am I supposed to do? The nurse saw me walking past the station. "Where are you going, Charles?" I ignored it. But felt how she started following me. The fire stairs. I went in there. I could hear alarm bells going off somewhere. I didn't care. I went upstairs. Only one more floor above me. I went into that ward. I could feel the wind flowing. An open window. Somewhere. Need to find it. I just walked through the ward, ignoring everyone trying to stop me. There, daylight flooded from a room into the corridor. I knew where I was headed. Into that room, an open window. It was mine. No hesitation. Nothing held me back when I climbed the sill. I dived outside. Face first. I could hear voices behind me. Dull. Could see the ground coming closer. It was weirdly soothing. I closed my eyes. Waiting for the impact. Must be any moment now. *** My yelling woke me. It was piercing through the night and high pitched. I was in bed. Moved to sit upright. Still in hospital. It was dark, I couldn't see anything. But the smell gave it away. My chest heaved under my heavy breathing. Weight. I touched it and felt breasts. My breasts. Covered in a cold sweat. The door opened. A nurse came in. "Chelsea, love, you okay." I shook my head. "Nightmare?" I nodded. Unable to speak. Is this still a dream? I started crying. "You've been through a lot, love. Your mind might not remember, but your body does." Oh yes. Truer words were never spoken. I still sobbed. Just staring at the sheets. Looked down on me. Sweat still glistening on me from the slight light shimmer coming from the corridor. I tried to calm myself. The nurse tried to calm me. "It felt so real," I told her. "Not like a dream." She put an arm around me. It felt good, comforting. Soothing. "Ring if you need something," she said while leaving the room. Leaving me alone in the darkness. Eventually, I drifted back to sleep. A light sleep full of anxiety. I was afraid the dream of Charles came back. That I awake to be Charles again. Luckily, my sleep was so light that I was more awake than sleeping. When I saw daylight rising outside, I gave up on sleeping. I looked forward to some tea. To a less sterile environment. Maybe I'd be better at home. Maybe I won't have bad dreams there. But only maybe. I was so wrong when I told Ian there is nothing to haunt me. I hadn't thought of Charles. Nothing to do right now, except for waiting. I don't have many things with me. Obviously. Just wanted to go to the petrol station. But have those things I had with me changed too? Where are they anyway? Phone, Keys, clothes. I looked around the room. Nothing. I got up. Looked at the bedside table. Nothing. The locker. Would make sense. And yes. There were some clothes. Torn and dirty. And a purse. My purse. I took it and went to sit on my bed. I opened it carefully as if I expected something jumping out of it and bite me or a bomb going off. A typical purse content greeted me. There was my phone. Dead. But still looked like before. And my keys. Also unchanged. But my wallet had changed. Instead of my typical male wallet, a big, longish female Michael Kors wallet sat in the purse. There were tampons in there as well. I took the wallet out and sat the purse beside me and zipped the wallet open. There was my driving licence. Chelsea Victoria Davies. My bank cards. Chelsea Victoria Davies. Everything was Chelsea now. It made me feel better and shoved the bad dream a little further away. A Breakfast tray arrived, and I suddenly felt nauseous again. Like in my dream. The breakfast brought the misery back. A glance down on me showed I was Chelsea. A woman. Not hungry. But the tea was good. I wondered when mum would show up. And Catherine. And if my phone will show any messages or if no one other than the three persons visiting me yesterday cared? Well, I don't know anyone. And Catherine told Ian. And he probably Fiona. But apart from that, who should know I'm in the hospital. I leaned back on the bed, tiredness came over me again and I drifted slowly into sleep, my purse and wallet still next to me in bed. "Hey up, Darling." My eyes opened. Mum looked right in my face. "Hiya Sleepy." "Just looks like that, I didn't sleep much last night. Bad dreams" I sigh. That dream was still so present in my mind. The embrace mum enclosed me in made it better though. Not feeling alone made it better. "Ready to go home? We didn't want to wake you; Catherine went to get you something to wear. Your clothes from that night... We should leave them here in the bin. There is enough emotional baggage from that night." "Mum?" "Yes, Darling?" "I love you.." "I love you too. And I'm sorry." "Don't be. Not your fault." I forced a smile and she touched the back of my hand. A different nurse came into the room. The cannula was removed. Some feelings came back into my hand. But it still felt like someone smashed a hammer on my hand. Catherine came into the room. With a bag from Tesco's. "Got you something to wear" She smiled at me and then hugged me. "It'll be okay. You'll fight the demons. And you'll win. You are and always were a tough lass." Was I? It's hard to tell. I never felt tough. I always run away from everything. Not really a fighter. Is Chelsea a fighter? But why should Chelsea be so different from Charles? Aren't we the same person after all? We might. But also, not. Chelsea had different problems to tackle. This is Chelsea's first problem to tackle. She didn't exist 48 hours ago. Lived only in captivity in Charles' mind. Rarely allowed to express herself. But she's free now. Catherine is right. I can fight the demons. Once all formalities with the hospital were done, I was officially discharged and could leave. Mum and Catherine besides. They seemed taller. Although it was probably me who was smaller now. Being outside of the hospital felt good. The fresh autumn air felt good. They sat me on the passenger seat while my mum sat in the rear and Catherine was driving. She steered through the roundabout from the university hospital towards Two Mile Ash. As always, the drive was quick. You can say a lot of mean things about Milton Keynes, but the traffic situation is quite okay. It was a quiet ride. My mind wandered a lot. I began to wonder how my flat would have changed. People's minds were overwritten, records now say I'm Chelsea, it would be surprising if my flat looked the way I left it but hoped it wouldn't be gone all pink. When we arrived, I was a bit hesitant to get out of the car. I was also afraid that there would still be the empty bottle of gin and the emptied pill containers lying around. How would I explain this? And to be honest I never cared much about tidiness in my depressed state. And I don't know yet if Chelsea is a tidy person or not. Catherine took my Purse and the keys out of it to open the door. The alarm started its slow beeps beeping once the door was open. Can't remember arming it. "What's the code?" Catherine enquired. "2412," I replied. When it didn't work, I was afraid it had changed with me and I can't remember it anymore now. "Sorry, my bad, tipped wrong" Catherine called out snickering from inside and mum started laughing. It was contagious and I started to join them. "You look so lovely when you smile and laugh, glad it's coming back," Mum said when we went inside. A huge relief swept over me once I took a glance through my flat. While it wasn't super tidy, it wasn't a mess and nothing to be ashamed of. The remains from my suicide attempt were gone. Except for one thing. The sorry note I wrote was still where I left it. My blood chilled and I hoped no one would see before I have a chance to get rid of it. Why would there be a note with just the word sorry on it in my flat? Other than that, it looked feminine but not different or changed. Subtle. I liked it. Mum went into the small kitchen to put the kettle on while Catherine gave me another sisterly embrace. "I'm glad you're okay Chel." She held me tight and it felt so sincere. I tightened the embrace as well. Mum brought tea. I tried to sort out the sorry note but dropped it. Shit. I could see Catherine making a curious face. The sorry just faced her, it was clearly visible, even upside down. I've written it big enough. "What's that?" Mum got curious now too. "It's... Uhm... a note... "From whom? Who's sorry?" "Someone who stayed over but left before I woke up." I was kind of proud of this white lie. "Oh, so he was impressive enough to keep the note then?" Catherine smiled and I could see that mum did too. And even I felt quite embarrassed as mum and Catherine thought I had a one-night stand with some random bloke. I thought it was still better than the actual truth. But, which random one-night stand bloke would leave a sorry note for not staying for breakfast? And, even though I'm still getting used to this body. And when I've seen me the day before, even looking as rough as I did, I'm fairly easy on the eyes. In my mid-twenties, I guess it wouldn't be unusual for a lass like me to pick up a man now and then, would it? Would I go for a man? Sexuality is something I never really gave thought to. My mind was busy with other things, there was no time to think about that too. Or to date. Or that I wanted to date. A whole new world of opportunities is waiting for me. So, I don't know right now if I would go for a woman or man. I will find out. But not today. Still, so much stuff to sort out. I could feel Catherine and mum watching me think. Their eyes tried to pierce my skull and look into me. "Where are you Chel? Don't go back to that night." "It's hard to go back when you don't know where it is." A sigh left my lips. Catherine's hand touched my shoulder. "Where were you headed to when you left home?" Another chill shiver ran down my spine. Right, where was I going to? Well, it's Milton Keynes.... "City Centre, the Xscape," I said, not looking down, avoiding looking at either of them. "I won't go there anytime soon. Hate that greasy smell anyway," I added. I suddenly felt the need to pee. As if the tea went right through without being digested at all. And I realised I haven't been to the loo very often, not even in the hospital. So I went. My Bathroom had a way more drastically changed than my kitchen or living room. While the rooms had a touch of femininity to them, the bathroom was utterly feminine. Toiletries, care products. Several Shampoos and Conditioners piled in the shower. 'I'm home' I thought. Smiling without realising it. Once I sat on the loo it took ages for my bladder to be empty. Maybe all the stress, the nightmare which still lingered in my mind, all that made me forget about the bodily functions and necessities. The relief made me feel a lot better. Everything in my body eased up. Muscles, limbs, my mind. I've never imagined that a visit to the loo could be so cathartic. Or cathartic at all. As if the demons were just washed out. I stood in front of the mirror. Glanced at my reflection. A stranger looked back. But on the other hand, she wasn't. I still looked like me. Just better. Beautiful. Recognised my brownish-green eyes, same pale complexion, framed by my chestnut coloured hair. Much longer than it used to be. Wavy but also thin. My ears were pierced and there was a helix piercing in my right ear. A scar on my lip was still there. I had this scar as long as I can remember from a childhood accident. I liked what I saw. Weird because I wasn't used to the reflection, but happy it was me. I also looked way better than the day before when I looked at me the first time. More alive. When I turned back into the living room Mum and Catherine looked at me with a smile and commented on how much better and pretty, I looked now. And that made me even feel better. No one ever called me pretty before and it made me blush. The ding of an incoming text on Catherine's phone made me remember my phone. "Ian wants to know how you are, He can't get hold of you." "My phone died, it's still in my purse, let me get it and charge it. But let him know I'm fine and much better than yesterday." I took my phone and plugged the charger in. The battery was so dead it wouldn't even turn on immediately. When it finally went on, I had several messages coming in. As expected, they were from Mum, Catherine and Ian. But I was also surprised to see concerned messages from Fiona. Chelsea might be more liked than Charles. Catherine asked me if she should stay with me and I gladly accepted the offer thinking back to last night's dream and the horrible feeling of being alone. Mum left in the late afternoon. Catherine and I dropped her at MK Central. "Time to have some girl time Lil' sis," she said smiling once we were back at my flat. "Long overdue." And it was. We cooked spaghetti with tomato sauce, had some wine, did our nails and talked so much. Catherine said we haven't had that much fun in ages, I don't think we had ever. One moment though had me a bit by surprise as I had already forgotten about my white lie about the sorry note. Catherine wanted to know everything about that lad I brought home and if it is something serious. As he's not real for now I went with a description of Tom Hiddleston and told her that it's nothing serious and that I don't know If I'd ever see him again. When I asked her if I should get the sofa ready for her, she declined. "What do you think? I'm sharing the bed with you silly, we're sisters, not distant acquaintances." That made me smile again. She was right, we are sisters, I'm not her brother anymore and also because I liked that we seem to be pretty close. And I was happy to have her so close in bed to me in case I have another nightmare. She would be there to hug me and comfort me just in case. The night was better than expected. Still far from great but it helped to have my sister next to me, it was calming. The dreams were weird and quite vivid but nothing I would consider a nightmare. Could have been worse, I guess. I was relieved to wake up to being Chelsea. "How was your night." Catherine looked tired and a bit of concern was showing in her eyes. "Okayish." "I felt you move the whole night. Did you have any nightmares?" "Not this night. But still very vividly weird dreams. Start forgetting them already so they probably weren't that bad. But I remember being awake and confused sometimes." "I know. You woke me too." "I'm sorry." "Don't be. That's why I stayed with you." And with that, she gave me the most heart-warming sisterly smile I had ever seen. I was sad that she had to leave but she told me that she wasn't able to get more days off at work. But we still had some time until she had to head back in the afternoon. While we had some toast for breakfast mum called and wanted to know how my night has been. I told her that everything was fine and that Catherine took good care of me. Once I hung up, I called Ian to tell him the same. He was happy to hear from me and that I'm up and okay again. After that Catherine and I got ready for the city centre. Some retail therapy she said. We went into every shop, I think. I kind of lost track, I was simply overwhelmed. But positively. So many nice clothes, shoes, jewellery. Everything I ever dreamed of but never dared to look at. Or buy. Now I can. And it's great. When we got back to my flat and stored all the shopping bags it got a bit sad. It meant it's time for Catherine to leave. But I don't want to play needy little sister here. There is enough in my life to look forward. I'm just about to get started. But I will miss her and there were tears when she left, and I didn't dare to look away until her car had completely disappeared. I was on my own again. But it wasn't like before Friday night. It was better now. I was better. There were clothes in my shopping bags who I desperately wanted to try on and admire myself in. I need to go through my wardrobe and look at the things I already have, the ones which were transformed with me. And I wanted to text Ian. And call him more often. I owed him that, he was always there for me and this whole pseudo rape thing showed me how much he cared for me regardless of my gender. Well, the one I present. *** The first few weeks were challenging. So many things to learn to settle in my life. YouTube helped me a lot. And I camouflaged some of my questions and asked Catherine or Fiona. And I also found out that I'm much closer to Fiona and that the jealousy of hers is mostly just played and for fun and I found myself chiming in and making fun of that as well. And there is no danger anyway. I found out that Ian is like a brother to me and I'm his surrogate sister. Another thing I found out about me is that I indeed like men. My nights got much better and most of them I slept just fine. But I still had a lot of dreams about being Charles and also nightmares which were quite similar to the ones I had in the hospital on my first night. And they always felt pretty real and it took me a while to recover from. With it was a constant fear that I would transform back into Charles. Sometimes when just sitting in a Costa's or something. Luckily that got better over time and was once a month top. Some good ballads, Birdy, London Grammar or Lana del Rey, are bringing me through those moments. Nothing beats a good cry with melancholic sounds. And when I'm happy that music makes me happy too. Catherine and I got along so well. It was almost unbelievable. Although we couldn't see each other as often if we liked to, we tried everything to see each other at least twice a month. We weren't just sisters; we were also best mates. Sorry, Ian. Jobwise my life got a bit better. I didn't feel like I wanted to go back into something boring like my previous insurance job. I knew I wanted something different. And when I walked past the Wetherspoons at the Xscape one day I saw they looked for a barmaid and applied. And got the job. Maybe it wasn't the best paying job, but I really liked it. The tips weren't that bad and as Chelsea, I liked being around people and being all cheery and smiley. Some of the male attention I got was great. But some wasn't. Especially later in the nights with more drunken lads around. They became pretty objectifying. Thanks to Sara, the other barmaid, I learned to be tough about it and brush it off. And Vlad our security guy /bouncer always had an eye on us. And none of the lads asking me out were the kind I considered dating material so I never wanted to go on a date with them and hope I would meet someone just in a different environment which has fewer pints in it. And that was what happened. I was at Asda, shopping for groceries and in a moment of complete absentmindedness, I bumped my shopping cart into another. Taken aback from the sudden stop I looked up and into a pair of very beautiful blue eyes. He had blond hair, longish, something to stroke through for hours. His face, just dreamy. I couldn't help but smile like a teenager in love. "I'm so sorry, I was miles away." "You don't say" he laughed. What a laugh. Made my knees weak. Never felt something like this before. I haven't touched him; he hasn't touched me, and I tingle. "I'm John...." "Chelsea" I smiled at his dreamy face. "Beautiful name suits you." Oh my god, is this happening? It almost too much. Like being in a soap opera, but also in a good way. "Thank you." I could feel the heat in my cheeks, they were about to catch fire and probably matching the red of a strawberry. "Uhm... Well, Sorry if I'm too blunt, but would like to go for a coffee someday?" "What about dinner?" the words left my lips before I realised, I asked it. "Sounds good?" How about Friday?" "Have to work Friday evening, but maybe Thursday?" It was my day off. "Works well for me too." I took his phone and gave it to me "May I have your number then?" I typed my number into his phone and received a text with smiley emoji shortly after. "Should I pick you anywhere at let's say seven." Catherine warned me about letting anyone know where I live right away, I had to promise her that I won't. And I keep that promise. "Can you just text me the address and we'll meet there? Sorry, bad experiences" He would understand when he's a good lad. "Sure, not a problem at all." Such a relief. "Have to go now, look forward to Thursday" I waved at him and suppressed the need to kiss his cheek. But gave him my most beautiful smile. And even I would have liked seeing him and his amazing Eyes again, I hoped I wouldn't before our date. And it worked out. Once I was home the thought slowly settled into my brain. I have a date. I need to tell Catherine. And think about what to wear. Once I texted Catherine the news it didn't take long and she called and wanted to know everything. And I told her everything. Maybe twice in my excitement. Thursday came and my excitement went through the roof. I had made an appointment at a hair salon, getting the tips done, some layers for volume and even highlights. I was stunned afterwards how much of a difference it made. I already had studied YouTube for make-up tutorials. I knew what look I wanted to go for and had everything ready at home waiting for me. And for my outfit. I picked a cocktail dress in copper. It wasn't exactly sleeveless, but the sleeves were barely there. It had a matching bolero jacket to keep my arms warm. My legs will be covered in opaque tights. And knee-high black boots with a 2-inch heel. I found out that I can walk without much trouble in 2- and 3-inch heels. Everything above was quite the opposite and maybe I need some practice, or the genes the girls queuing in front of the Revolution in skimpy outfits every weekend, no matter how cold it is. When I was ready, I stood in front of the dressing mirror and was stunned. I took a selfie and sent it to Catherine. 'Sis, you look great and beautiful' was her reply. I smiled at my reflection and called a cab to bring me to the theatre district where John booked a table in an Italian place. When I arrived there, I was pleased to see John already waiting for me. He looked great in his grey suit and black shirt. He gave me a little hug and an air kiss on my left and right cheek and then escorted me inside. And while he was very good looking and I had to admit that he wasn't my type. Apart from the good looking, there wasn't much which did a thing for me. He was quite narcissistic and mostly talked about himself. I grew quite bored. And the way he treated the waitress was respectless and I have to admit that I felt offended by it. No one deserves being treated that way and being a barmaid myself I might have taken it a bit more personal than I should. When I told him how I felt, and that our waitress did an amazing job and deserves much more respect, he just made a stupid comment which made me stood up and leave. While leaving the waitress smiled at me and I gave her an apology. I did not turn back to look what he's doing. I walked out and away, past the post office and towards the former Waitrose to call me a cab. What a bloody bastard. When I got home, I texted Catherine if she was available to talk. Fearing the worst, she called back immediately. I told her how it went and he was just his looks and everything else was horrible. Good looks are worthless when you fail to be a human. "I'm sorry sis. Can't even count how many bad dates I had" She laughed. And I had to laugh as well. She was right. Prince Charming isn't just around the corner waiting for me. And on a positive side, I hadn't had to cook for me and there have no dirty dishes. And I could wear my amazing dress and had my hair done. I did that for me. Not for him. I had a few other dates, none of them was as bad as the first one, but none of them was as good that I felt there was more. Only two guys got the chance to meet me a second time and other than kisses, there was never any sexual involvement. Catherine said it was because of that night, and maybe she isn't wrong. When I was 18 and still virgin, I got drunk one night and went to have sex with a woman I just met in a pub. It wasn't a nice experience, and maybe she felt about me the way I think about those blokes I dated now. And now that I have the chance for a nice first time, I want it nice. I want to feel secure and loved. Not like some score of a random bloke. With time I felt more and more that I have to leave Milton Keynes. I had nothing here. I felt bored. I couldn't stand going to the city centre for basically everything. Milton Keynes drains you of your life energy, almost like a vampire. If it weren't for the job at the Wetherspoons I would have left MK a while ago, maybe moving back to mum. Would be close to Catherine though, that would be cool. But I looked more south. London. The big city, the opposite of Milton Keynes. Busy, loud, exciting. So I started looking into jobs I would enjoy. And that was anything with people. One day I saw a British Airways add somewhere. For a Caribbean destination. And that got me thinking. Do I want to be a flight attendant? Yes, I think I want to. Travelling around Europe and the world instead of being bored in Milton Keynes sounded very appealing. And so I applied and got invited to the assessment day at their headquarters near Heathrow. The day before the assessment I went to Milton Keynes Central. By bus. From there I took a train down to Euston Station and from there I went to Ian by tube and walking. Ian lived with Fiona in London. Their flat is quite big and they offered I could stay with them, so I don't have to commute to Heathrow from MK the next day. He even offered to drop me there and I gladly accepted. The evening with Ian and Fiona was great. The two are really good company And I'm happy to have such amazing friends. Ian is quite busy, and we haven't seen each other much since that day in the hospital. One of the downsides of being a barmaid, the working hours aren't very social. Whenever he had time for me I hadn't and the way around. I woke up very nervous. I really wanted that job. Even though it's not that glamourous as it used to be, but I felt that is the right job for me. I tried to calm myself that I don't have anything to lose. If it would work out with BA, I would try the other airlines as well. And if nothing works out, I still have my job as a barmaid in Milton Keynes. The Assessment was actually quite fun, I think. It consisted of interviews, a little roleplay and general talking with other applicants and airline staff. Once everything was done, we were told that we would receive a reply in our account on their career page. I went back to the terminals and took the tube from there to central London and back to Ian's and Fiona's flat. Ian wasn't home and it was good to spend some time with Fiona. Just sim chit chat about everything and nothing. I told her about my miserable dating experiences to which she replied laughingly that I shouldn't dare to seduce Ian. I laughed with her but also assured her that Ian is like a brother to me. And he really is. The love I feel for him his only platonic. We went out that night and had much fun. Really much fun. We went for dinner and then some drinks in the west end and I honestly felt completely underdressed. Ian hasn't told us, and I could see that Fiona felt the same. Thanks to the hundreds of tourists who made us feel a little better. We later went towards the Thames and a walk along the embankment. Now I was happy for not having towering heels on my feet. After Breakfast the next day I went back to Milton Keynes. Slightly relieved that I might have a new job upcoming. But I also looked forward to my shift in my current job later that night. A couple of weeks later I received a reply from BA. I made it. A contract and start date were already attached. I also had to appoint dates for the uniform as well as a medical examination to prove I'm fit to fly, and they had to check my criminal records. And I know there aren't any. Once everything was done, I looked forward to being a cabin crew member for the mixed fleet, meaning I would fly short-and long-haul routes on all aircraft. When I gave notice at the Wetherspoons I can't say it was a sad moment. For me as well as my colleagues. I had to promise to visit as often as I could which I gladly did as I decided I will not move right away. An hour M1 and M25 and you're in Heathrow, at times where traffic isn't that bad. And not being in Milton Keynes might make be appreciate the city more Especially when I work somewhere else. After only 6 weeks of training, I was an official BA Cabin Crew member and couldn't remember if I ever have been so proud of myself. The first few weeks I only flew short-haul routes to get some routine, to get accustomed to working in a small aisle pushing and pulling a heavy trolley. And while it was quite stressful, especially the short one- hour flights, we call them legs, Aircraft is in the air, so get the trolley ready do the service and get ready for landing as well. The layovers somewhere else aren't that glamourous. You either arrive somewhere quite late and leave the next day in the afternoon or you arrive midday to afternoon and leave early the next morning. I looked forward to my first long haul flight. More time for everything; breaks in between to get some sleep or to get off your feet, but time differences and much more "nightshifts" as well. But on the other hand, isn't it nice to fly to some warmer weather, especially in winter? My first long haul was coincidentally the day which marked one year as Chelsea. It would take me to Los Angeles and I looked forward to California. Especially on such a special day for me. When we got on the plane to get everything ready the three pilots joined us shortly after for a short briefing. The First Officer was handsome and caught all my attention, he would be the one flying us today. I couldn't help, here I was, first long haul and filling the old clich? of flight attendants seeking the attention of Pilots. But I can't help it, maybe it's the uniform, something I've never been able to resist. When he looked at me and gave me a smile I blushed and felt a bit embarrassed. When I looked up again, he gave me a little wink. The flight itself was relatively uneventful. A bit like the short hauls, just longer. And the service was free for the passengers. Less stressed, more relaxed. And there was a three-hour break in between. In the super noisy crew rest area in the rear of our Boeing 747, just above the passenger cabin. But there was also time to chat with the other cabin crew and get to know each other. We landed on time. With a loud rumble, we set wheels on California soil. The day felt quite long already, got up quite early, drove down from Milton Keynes, crew check-in, briefing and preparations as well as deboarding we spend good twelve hours on the aircraft and now it's only early afternoon. My more experienced colleagues told me I shouldn't try to sleep too early and try to keep up with the local time to make the most of our 48-hour layover. But on 24-hour layovers, I should get some rest for 2 hours and then explore everything. Well, it didn't work. On the monotone coach ride, I fell asleep and it was the cute first officer who woke me once we were at the hotel. "Maybe you should get an hour or two of sleep, shouldn't be longer though, to avoid bad jetlag, and if you want I'll take out somewhere later. LA is my favourite destination. Would love to show you around." "Is that a date?" I asked. "Do you want it to be a date." "Well... we're colleagues.." "Then don't think of it as a date." His smile! Wow. I couldn't resist. "Okay, then let me grab my roomkey and then we set a time." "I'm Simon by the way." "I know, I listened to you on your PA, but your landing was more of an impact than a touchdown," I mocked. "Sorry, the wind. The captain is flying back, then see who's better." he laughed, and we got off the coach and into the hotel. "I'm Chelsea." Once in my room, I sent Catherine a text, telling her about my first long haul flight and of course, Simon. And a picture of a palm tree. And then I went to sleep. As Simon recommended. For one and a half hours. That left me enough time to have a quick shower and get ready before I met Simon in the lobby. I dressed in a white flowery sundress and a denim jacket, going to be chilly here once the sun has set. Part of me was a bit sad he was out of uniform. But well, maybe he thinks the same of me. He got a rental car and sad he will drive us to one of his favourite places. Which turned out to be Redondo Beach. The boardwalk at the marina was nice indeed. Unfortunately, we missed the sunset as the sun sets so early this time of the year and dusk was already settling in when we left the hotel. But that didn't matter. It was really nice. We had dinner at one of the little seafood places at the boardwalk and watched towards the sea. Looking at the sparkling lights of Palos Verdes when he brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and kissed me. I was stunned at first, maybe even a bit startled, but I quickly relaxed and kissed back. Wow, so quick. And he was such a good kisser, much better than all those stupid lads I kissed before. And here it was again, the clich? of pilots seducing flight attendants. I broke the kiss. "That felt wonderful," I said. "But can I ask you something? And I want you to be honest with me." I may have sounded a bit harsher than I intended to. "Sure" From the look on his face I could see it was his turn now to be startled. "You don't do this every time, do you? Or have a wife and child, or girlfriend back in England?" A smile forced its way into his face. "No! No, I don't. I never went out with one of the cabin crew before. As Crew yes, but never like we do now. And there is no one back in London. Not yet." "Good, because I'm not the one for just a fling to kill some time and have fun while away from home." "Never thought you were. When I saw you this morning at the briefing, your smile, I knew I need to get to know you." That made me smile again. He might be a good one. He kissed me again. And I didn't break it. Yes, the best kisser. My whole body felt warm and tingled in such a nice way. Such a fairy tale situation, being here at the Pacific Ocean, on the boardwalk just above the water. Such a lovely evening. All the good things from my previous dates combined aren't as cool is this evening. Tiredness made us go back to the hotel. Simon hasn't listened to himself and had no sleep in the afternoon. In the hotel, he brought me to my room, kissed me good night and we agreed to meet for breakfast. He did not try to have sex with me. He is a good lad. Probably also a keeper. Once I was ready for bed I texted to Catherine 'Guess who just got kissed on a boardwalk' I awoke early. Stupid time difference. 8 hours behind UK time. Simon and the others warned me. Good thing was, I was gifted with a beautiful sunrise view from my hotel room. Which I enjoyed with a freshly brewed coffee from the room's coffeemaker. Catherine texted me back, she envied me. Several attached emojis also showed that she was happy for me. Then I went under the shower, did my hair and makeup and got dressed in an ankle-length black skirt and a red tank top. My feet went bare into a pair of flat sandals. Simon wanted to pick me at 7:30, I was long ready by then when he finally knocked. "Good morning sunshine," he greeted me and smiled his heart-melting smile at me. "And you. You refreshed. Much better than last night, and even then, you weren't bad looking" I couldn't believe I said that. But he smiled too. It was worth it. And it earned me a kiss. There were already two other crew members at the breakfast and waved to us. I could see in his eyes that he was disappointed. But we couldn't just ignore them. After all, they were our colleagues. There already had finished their breakfast and asked us if we want to join them later on a shopping spree to a nearby mall. A short look at Simon, his eyes told me it's up to me. "Sorry, I live in Milton Keynes, I really don't need more mall in my life right now and already brought to much anyway, I feel more like exploring." Everyone laughed and Simon smiled at me. I knew he had something in mind. No other crew members showed up and when the other two left Simon told me that he wants to show me Santa Monica, the Beach, the pier, walking barefoot in the sand, and enjoying the breath-taking view over the city. Sounded good and I couldn't wait. There wouldn't be a romantic dinner for the two of us, someone booked a table at a steakhouse for the whole crew as it was one of the crew member's birthday. We just went quick upstairs, I grabbed my handbag and the sunglasses, most important accessory when in southern California, touched up my lipstick and then went downstairs to meet Simon. He was already waiting for me. And I was surprised by his kiss just here in the lobby. He certainly did not care about rumours spreading within the crew. But it would be only awkward tomorrow on our flight back to London. After that, we would never fly again in the same constellation. So what? The way he looks, the way he treats me, who cares about rumours? While we drove onto the freeway, I looked at Simon, how confident he drove the car while I felt weird sitting on the right side of the car and not having a steering wheel in front of me. He looked hot in his blue shirt, the Ray-Ban aviators and slight, blondish stubble on his cheeks which felt so good on my cheeks this morning when he kissed me. Am I falling in love? I don't really know him yet. There is still a chance this is just a fling and that our ways part once we're leaving California tomorrow. I really shouldn't fall in love just now. Please heart, don't do this to us, we're both better off in case it's nothing meaningful for him. But what if it is not? What if he feels like me too? I have to find out today. We have a full day ahead of us to get to know each other. We pulled into a big car park, just next to the beach and the famous Santa Monica Pier. It looked so gorgeous with the sea glistening in the sun and the place I've seen in shows and movies every so often. Felt great being here. He took my hand and I followed him along the cycle path towards the pier and climbing up the sandy wooden stairs and there we were. Full of tourists and people. We walked past caricaturists, and all kinds of booth's, selling t-shirts, postcards, all that touristy stuff. Music played. From everywhere. Seagulls in between. And topless lads fishing, while children yelled and wanted to run the rollercoaster. And yet it was just amazing. We walked towards the end of the pier. Watched towards Santa Monica, Hollywood Hills prominent in the background. Simon told me that Santa Ana winds made it incredibly clear and that I'm lucky to experience my first time in LA when it is the most beautiful. I squeezed his hand and there we were, kissing again. Feeling his tongue playing with mine. The tingle I felt the day before came back and I wished time would stop, I wanted to feel like this forever. Being held and kissed while the warm sea breeze is playing with the hem of my skirt at my ankles. I felt disappointed when he broke the kiss but felt better immediately when I looked at his smile, eyes hidden behind the sunglasses. I already knew how they looked, sunglasses or not, I could see his eyes locked on mine, just as hidden as his. "Fancy an ice-cream?" He brought me back from my dreamy state. The body still tingling. "Yes, yes I do." Fearing it would cool the tingle down I also couldn't think of anything better just here and now as long as I was with Simon. Yes, I had fallen in love with him. I was sure about that now. And I didn't mind. We got our ice-creams at one at the food stands just at the pacific park and went down the beach. I took off my sandals and walked barefoot in the sand holding the ice in one and my shoes in the other hand I held back the urge to wolf down the ice-cream to have a hand free and hold Simons. While we walked at the beach, I lost track of time. The whole concept of time made no sense that moment. It could have been years or just minutes. It felt just great and I felt free. And alive. Like never before in my life. I could hardly believe that only one year ago I tried to kill myself. I was so happy that I didn't, and something held me back. Gave me the life I should have lived from birth. On the inside, I have been Chelsea anyway. I don't know how much time had passed when we went back to the car And I didn't care. But; I was happy I put on sunscreen this morning. Otherwise, I would have been painfully crispy and deep red by now. "Where are you taking me now?" I asked wondering if it could get any better. "Surprise. Wait till we're there." He steered the car towards a big boulevard, without satnav to keep the surprise. Traffic was far from light and it felt like ages as we made our way from traffic light to traffic light. "It's part of the historic and famous route 66." "Never imagined it so urban," I said. "You should see it in Arizona or Texas. Very remote, not much traffic, bumpy though. But great" He got me curious. I certainly need to travel more. Apart from work. With more time to spend at a place and explore it and not just scratching the surface. After what felt like a little eternity, he set signals to turn left. The sign read Highland Avenue and a pink coloured coffee place sat on one corner. "You know the actor Danny Trejo?" Simon asked. "The one who always plays the bad Mexican?" "Yeah, that's him. And that's his coffee house." "Oh, didn't know he's in the Coffee business too." "And Taco business. He has a couple of Taco stands throughout the city as well" He laughed. I liked his laugh. We drove right through the centre of Hollywood. But didn't stop. "Everything but glamourous" Simon told me. That was what I heard so often already. I will take a look some other time. We went straight ahead, Hollywood sign visible just at the hill in almost in front of us. Unbelievable I'm here. And even getting paid for it. And having the most amazing men I've ever met with me. Best fairy tale ever. Past the freeway, we turned into the hills and after a short drive up the curvy street, we stopped at a gated car park. The overlook above the Hollywood Bowl. "I honestly prefer the Griffith Observatory over this one, but it's a weekend and the Griffith is overcrowded" Simon explained. The view which greeted me was amazing. Breath-taking. "Ever enjoyed a kiss with Hollywood lying at your feet?" "Huh?" I couldn't say more when Simon embraced me and kissed once more. I really could get used to this. And once more everything around me stopped existing. There were only Simon and I. And the warm tingle spreading throughout my body. I started wondering about tonight. The time after dinner. Am I ready for this yet? It was lovely standing there with him and watching the city. He stood behind me and I took his hands and arms around me, leaning into his chest and having my head rested onto his, so I could feel the nice stubble prickle the side of my head. We just stood there and watched over Hollywood and towards downtown as the sun got lower and lower when the first lights appeared. One after another and the daylight slowly faded away. The sparkle of the lights was amazing. Because of the clear day, the lights went all the way to the horizon. Such a big city. "I hate to say this, but we should go, we have about an hour to the hotel." "Can't we go there directly?" "Everyone will talk about us." "Let them talk then. Besides, were hanging out together since we got here, showing up there together won't change a thing." "You're probably right" There it was again, his amazing laugh which could make my knees weak and makes my brain tingle. He took my hand again when we walked back to the car. On our way to the restaurant, we talked about so much. And I continued to ask him everything. After all, I wanted to get to know him. He grew up in Hammersmith and still lives there. He always loved aviation and knew he wanted to be a pilot since he was 5. Apart from his looks, there was more which made him interesting. We shared the same political views as well as a few interests. There wasn't a moment of awkward silence. I felt never such a connection to a man before. Ian, maybe, but that's still different. Simon is just what I felt the day before, a keeper. I felt a bit nervous when we arrived at the steakhouse. Simon texted some the captain and the senior first officer earlier that they shouldn't wait for us and that we come to the steakhouse directly. And due to traffic, we were a little late. So, all eyes will be on us when we get in. But, as I said, they will know anyway, and it honestly doesn't matter. We're grown up, we clicked, what should they say. And walking in wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought. Maybe it helped that we weren't holding hands. Everyone looked at us, we got a few smiles but no weird looks. Sure, no reason to look weird. The evening was much fun. Being out with the crew felt much more like family than just being around colleagues, even though we were mostly strangers to each other. But I felt that way already on my short-haul layovers when I went with some of the others to explore a little bit of the city where we spent a short time in. Back in the hotel, I felt quite tired again. My body still on UK time and told me it's already the middle of the night. "You tired?" he asked me. "Yes, jetlag got me again. It's almost 5 am back home. And my body tells me that.." "I feel the same. Just try to hide it. Do you want to go to bed?" "I think so. Do you want to come with me? The bed's big enough." I asked it. No way back now. "I would love to." I knew why I had chosen to wear lace panties and bra this morning. In the lift, I felt a little mischievous and like a teenager trying to hide a boyfriend from her parents. And did I think of Simon as my boyfriend already? I did. As weird as it sounded o one hand, but I liked the thought. When we were in my room, he started kissing me. Everywhere. My tiredness was gone. Instead, my body was set on fire. The tingle was back more intense than ever. So good. I fell backwards on the bed and he climbed onto the bed and above me. I felt my nipples were rock hard. I could feel the heat in my loins. More kisses. On my neck. It made me shiver, Nothing I ever felt sexually came close to what I'm feeling right now. And we're just getting started. Moans and sighs escaped my lips. I gasped. My hands were on his pecs. Oh my, they felt so good. So muscular. I wanted to taste them. My hands started to unbutton his shirt. Careful, even though my mind tried to tell I should just rip it open. Once I freed his glorious chest, I gave it a lick. He was delicious. I loved his taste on my tongue while he started to take off my top. My feet already freed themselves out of the sandals. Once my shirt was off, he slid down my skirt. Slowly. The way he did it felt just as hot as his kisses on my neck or his pecks on my tongue. Off was the skirt and then, just a small grip and my bra got unhooked. He was clearly a professional, Catherine told me she had boyfriends who tangled themselves while trying to unhook the bra. My hands still circling along his chest went slowly in a southerly direction until they found his belt and I opened it just as professionally as he did with my bra. Feeling his cock was a surprisingly good feeling. Touching a penis isn't nearly as bad when it's not your own. At least when you're a woman. My hands wandered along his waist, pulling down his trousers and boxers. A little part of my mind was a bit scared of what was about to happen. But I was way too much in a sexual frenzy to care and wanted it to happen. And I wanted this feeling which lingered throughout my body would never stop. And then my bra was gone. Simon smirked a bit when he threw it on the sofa and out of our way and worked his way down to free me from my panties. His mouth kissed my neck again and on hand was caressing my boobs when I felt him reposition so he could enter me. One of his hands fiddled in his groin, but I did not care to be honest. I spread my legs a little more and already felt like I'm on the edge of a very powerful orgasm. And then I felt his cock touching my labia. I let out a soft moan. And even more when he went inside me. Slowly. Deeper and deeper. He felt bigger than in my hands. He felt so amazing. My first time. And everything felt right. The way I imagined. Even better. He started pumping and my whole body burned in sexual ecstasy. I felt the orgasm built up. I felt it everywhere. And then I exploded. It was intense. I wanted to scream. I had to fight to keep the volume down as I remembered we were in a hotel and some of our colleagues had their rooms on the same floor. I don't want anyone of them to know how much I enjoyed this. My orgasm was still in full swing when I felt Simons cock squirm inside me. He moaned too but I don't think he had trouble keeping it quiet. He probably wasn't as loud. He went slower and slower now until he stopped completely. I opened my eyes again. Oh my god, he looked so good. The man I just had sex with. My boyfriend. His went limp inside me, and he made no intentions to pull out of me. And I liked the feeling. With more rational thoughts coming back into my brain I started to feel incredible cuddly. When his flaccid cock slipped out of me, I held him close, kissed the tip of his nose. "Just hold me a moment," I whispered. "No, not only a moment. Never let me go." I was surprised by my neediness. But that's how I felt at this very moment. With the sexual afterglow fading away I felt the tiredness crept back to me and it wasn't long until I drifted into a deep sleep with Simon still holding me. I had wonderful dreams, about Simon, about happiness. And when I awoke sometime during the night, I was well tucked into my blanket I Simon lying next to me made me smile and feeling secure. And went back to sleep. It was some sunlight which found its way through the thick curtains which woke me. I felt good and well-rested and waking up with Simons arm around my waist is something I could get used to. I turned to face him and the creep in me wanted to watch him sleep. He might have done the same last night when he tucked me in. But I had to get up. I felt the desperate need to pee and climbed carefully to not wake Simon out of the bed. When I returned Simon sat in bed. Pretty much awake. "Morning handsome," I said, still naked and trying to lean sexy at the door frame. "Good Morning, hope you had a wonderful night." "I had. The best in ages to be honest." "Glad to hear. Long day ahead of us. Good rest is important." "Yes. Coffee?" I started to fill some water into the little coffee maker. "Yes, and then a shower, Need to sneak back into my room. And then return the car. Hotel Wakeup call is at noon, the coach will be here for 1 pm. And I want to use the gym, always feels better before sitting in the cockpit for such a long time." "Busy morning then" checking the clock on the TV showed me its approaching 8 AM, so still some time left. A shower sounded really good, I felt quite sticky down there. "I wore a condom, didn't know if you're on birth control." "Thank you. I am though" He thinks and cares. Definitely a keeper. I handed him the first coffee and made another one for me. After the coffee, he went for a quick shower. So, no another round of sex. For now. But to be honest, just thinking about last night mad me all tingly all over again. And smiley. I looked towards the bathroom and listened to the shower noises. I tried to imagine Simon in the shower and thought about joining him. Just wanted to send a quick text to Catherine to let her know. I know her, once I told her about Simon, she was super curious and hated not being with me to get all the news right away. The shower stopped. Shit. Too late. Simon came out of the bathroom, hair wet, chest wet a towel around his waist. He looked delicious. While I was sitting naked in bed, the blanket just up to my breasts with wild after sex hair. "I wish we could stay a few more days," he said. "Yes. But we made the most of this short stay here. And I'm off the next 5 days before my next flight." "Me too. You don't fly to Chicago by any chance?" "Sadly not. Going to Barcelona and then layover in Frankfurt.." "Such a pity." "But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the days until then together." "That is true. Would love that." He smiled his smile again. "I need a photo of you," I said. "Now?" "Yes." I took my phone. "Smile!" I took the photo and showed it to him. "Very sexy, Mister Pilot." "Do I get a picture of you as well?" "Yes. But not now. I look like I just woke up after sex.." "Well, you did." "True, but that's not my preferred look on a photo." "But it is a very sexy and beautiful look on you.." We went on like this for a while. And he accepted my wish to not be photographed right now. When he left to go to his room to get ready, I took a selfie and went to shower myself. I might have showered longer than I should because my fingers got all wrinkly. I looked at my phone and wanted to send the photo of Simon to Catherine but stopped. No, I don't do that. I have a better idea. Instead, I texted to Simon 'If you promise me a photo of us both in uniform later, I let you have this' hit send and sent the selfie of me in bed just right after. His reply didn't take long. 'How come you changed your mind' 'I haven't. Just want a less awkward picture to show my mum and sister' 'Am I awkward?' 'No, not you, silly, but the photo of you just coming from the shower is when I show it to family. So I rather keep it to myself.' I still had some time left until I had to get ready for the pick-up to the airport. I decided to go downstairs and get a coffee and enjoy a bit of the sun at the pool before I'm back in grey and cold England. I hoped to see Simon somewhere, but I didn't. And none of the other crew members either. But it was good to enjoy some quiet time as well before I would spend the night on a noisy aircraft. I went back to my room and to get ready about 10 minutes before the wakeup call and went to the Hotel's crew desk to cancel mine. Fewer people to call means an easier task for the hotel staff. Once I had my hair tamed, I went to my make-up and restored my professional airline face according to BA's grooming standards for female cabin crew and got into my uniform. I liked how it made me look. I wear it with pride. And I'm proud of my job and being part of the BA Family. 15 minutes before the pick-up I made my way down into the lobby where some of the others were already gathering. Simon was there too. Back in uniform and maybe because of that even better looking. He gestured to me to come outside so I followed him and once we were out of sight of the others, he kissed me, very gentle and careful to not ruin my make-up. And then he put his arm around my shoulder, took his phone and made a lovely selfie of us both. It was so lovely that I decided it is going to be my new background picture once I'm home. I also sent this picture to Catherine, so she'd know who I spend my weekend in California with. Before we all got into the coach the captain held a short briefing with some information about today's flight, Departure Gate, weather and turbulence en route and the Cabin Service Director told us about how many passengers were expecting, specials meals, all that jazz and told us who would work which door and station later in the flight. After that, we're ready to go and we're all grabbing our luggage and went outside to the coach, the driver was helping to stow the luggage and off we were towards the airport. Crew Check-In, yes even the cabin crew must check their bags, and then security which is not much different to the screening regular passengers go through, but there is always a special security lane for Crews. The gate was already quite crowded, we're expecting a full flight, the gate staff let us through the doors towards the jet bridge and ta-da, we're on an almost empty Aircraft. Cleaning personnel was still on board as well the lads from the catering company, they were still loading. We went to our stations, checked and cleared everything and then the passengers came. The flight will be during the night. Taking off in LA in the afternoon, the sun will set shortly after. That means the flight will be a bit quieter than the flight to LA as most passengers will sleep or try to sleep. I worked with Darcy the rear economy section, and when most passengers settled in the dark cabin we sat in the galley, had a cup of tea and chatted a bit. "So, you and our first officer, huh?" She had a huge grin in her face. "Uhm... I guess denying doesn't help?" "No darling, it won't. Tell me, you met him before somewhere? You two were inseparable since we got to LA." "No, I saw him when we met the flight crew in Heathrow for the first time." "Naughty, naughty." "It's not just a fling..." I defended. She only smirked. "I know. I can see it in your eyes. And his. I'm a bit envious, to be honest, he's quite a hunk." We kept gossiping until our breaks and continued after when we prepared the cabin for breakfast and arrival into Heathrow. When we landed I was happy to be almost home. Once passengers left the plane and our debriefing was done Simon told me to wait for him at the Costa in Terminal 5 arrivals. As I planned to get a coffee for my commute to MK there anyway, I got my large coffee and waited for him. While I waited, I watched the people rushing through the airport. And the ones hugging each other after not seeing each other for maybe quite some time. I already missed Simon. Since going to the Airport, we haven't talked and seen us properly. Keeping the professionalism. I looked forward to seeing him any minute now. Darcy walked by on her way to the tube and waved goodbye. I also recognised some of the passengers from our flight. It was another 15 minutes until he showed up. I had almost finished my coffee already. It was great seeing him. He looked so good in his uniform, People looking at him in admiration, but his smile was only for me. It released many, many butterflies into my tummy. "I'm so sorry, took longer than I wanted to." He kissed me on the lips "like I had a coffee on my own" he smirked "I have to get another for my commute now." "I'll buy, don't worry. Uhm, what are your plans now that you're off a few days? "I was thinking of some sleep to start with." "Great plan. Doing the same. And I thought of, if you don't mind, coming to Milton Keynes, maybe late afternoon?" "What you're doing up there?" "I met a special person who's living there." "I'm sure she doesn't mind and would love having you around." I kissed him deeply. "I'll text you my address" I whispered sensually in his ear. "Look forward to it. What coffee you would like?" "Tall Americano, but if you don't mind, I would like to visit the loo first. Can you keep an eye on my bags?" "Sure thing." When I came back, he waited with my bags and the hot steaming coffee for me. We kissed our goodbyes for now and I made my way to the bus stop for the staff shuttle to the car park. Traffic was light this time of the day and I made it home in just over an hour, undressed and got ready for two hours of sleep. Before I fell into my bed, I texted Catherine and Simon that I made it home safely. It was already 6 pm when Simon arrived. We were both still exhausted and jetlagged and decided to go to Kam Tong Garden, MK's best Chinese restaurant. Over the next few months, I spent much more times at his flat as it was much more convenient to get to the airport. He let me stay there as well when I was on stand-by and he was away. 8 months after we met in LA, I moved in with him entirely and officially. Because of our work schedules and the fact, he only flew long haul it wasn't always easy as there were times, we wouldn't see each other for two weeks. That's why I hated being rostered to Sydney as it was 9 days until I was back home. I always loved coming back to LA though. But without Simon, it was never the same. We always tried to request some routes so we could fly together but in reality, that was more complicated than it sounds and only worked out every two months. The time we spent together was pretty amazing. One funny thing that happened was on a flight back from Singapore when Ian suddenly boarded. We were both quite surprised to see each other. I knew he had mentioned a business trip to Singapore but I hadn't much thought about that as I was called from Stand- by for this trip and basically didn't know I was going to Singapore until I left for the airport. Pity we didn't know, would have been fun having a coffee somewhere and the amazing street food together. But we made up for it as he spent nearly a few hours with me in the galley when everyone else was sleeping. Fiona asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. Which was surprising, but I gladly accepted and it was a beautiful wedding and I couldn't be happier for them both. My fear of changing back into Charles is still there. But I keep away from the concrete cows and Simon and his love helped me not to think about that dark and gloomy time of my life. I haven't had one of those nightmares in a few months and only when I slept alone, Never with Simon next to me. When I walked down the aisle and saw him waiting there for me, I still felt the same butterflies I felt when I met him the first time and sleepily looked into his eyes in that coach. The only thing that might have changed is that my love for him only grew deeper. The end.