The Life Saver
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The Life Saver
What makes my nights so much darker? What turns me into a marionette of my inner feelings of self-destruction, of detachment from the world, from everything?
The answer is: I don't know.
That's what and how a person as depressed as me thinks. Genetically depressed. My life per se would be reason enough, not that I had wealth or physical problems, but my folks... If I wasn't the shadow of a person, the mere memory of a human being, I'd be rebellious as a devil stuck in a box. Lucky for them, I was the first option.
Some people can get rid of this disease, using medicine, visiting shrinks... In my case it didn't help, it was chronic and started really, really early. I was a "sad kid" as they called me and treatment was like doping a child and as soon as the effects wore off, there I was suffering again. As my parents were snobbish and shallow enough to not accept the fact that their only daughter would have to live in a clinic - not that I was cool with it either - I had an uninteresting and pale life until I was seventeen.
I decided I wasn't making it to eighteen.
The day I was suppose to turn eighteen, my birthday, was the day I decided to end my life. Leave it all behind. Quit feeling so unwelcome in this world, so tired of trying to fit in, to never have strength enough to experience things, to live things.
So there I was, hiding my face under the cowl of my one size bigger sweatshirt, ignoring my turned off phone and the calls that I would be receiving on my birthday. Sitting at the counter of the café right in front of the huge building I chose to jump off, savoring my last breakfast and hearing music from my ipod.
My hands were shaking badly. The coffee tasted good but awkward. I figured I wasn't brave enough to decide to do something like jumping off a building and still enjoy breakfast calmly. One song was over and then a very well-known riff came on. A shiver ran down my spine as I recognized Highway to Hell, from AC/DC. And just as I was scrambling to take my iPod off my pocket to change the track I felt someone touching my shoulder.
I almost jumped over the counter. There was a guy, standing right beside me and looking at me.
"Excuse me?" I said taking off the earplugs.
He grinned as if he was ashamed of repeating what he had just said. He looked kinda handsome too, with short brown hair and blue eyes.
"I just ask if you were alright" he said, obviously changing his speech. I frowned.
"Why wouldn't I be?" I spat and he stared at me surprised.
"I was sitting just there and saw you having problems holding your cup of coffee" he said pointing at the table behind me with his chin.
"And?" I lowered my cup and hid my shaky hands.
"Jesus, I was just trying to be nice" he said raising his hands in an apologetic way.
"Of course you were" I rolled my eyes. I was used to have guys hitting on me, but as always I wasn't interested.
"No, I mean it. You're not ok, I can clearly see it" he propped on his elbows over the counter and bent to look at me.
I cringed a little and focused on my iPod.
Damn. It can't be so obvious.
"I don't want to bother you, but would you like to have some company? I'm not hitting on you, I promise. You just seem to need it" he said bending even further to have a glimpse of my eyes. I slightly turn my face to the other side.
"I-I don't know" I gasped.
"Oh, come on" he took advantage of my audible uncertainty and sat on the bench on my side "It's just coffee, I promise."
My first reaction was to get ready to get up. I would just pay the check and leave. But when I tried I remembered where I was going next, my whole body shook and I couldn't get up yet. Like he had dissolved part of my resolution with that charismatic talk.
"So, what's your name?" He said raising a hand to call the waitress and ordered a cup of coffee and donuts, then stared at me, beaming those big blue eyes. Ok, he wasn't kinda handsome, he was really handsome. With a boyish and sloppy look, even being a well built and tall man, somewhere between 25 and 30 years old, I'd guess.
"Olivia" I said, trying to take my eyes off him. It doesn't matter how cute he looked. I already met cute guys. It always ends up the same. They are never committed enough, I always think. But I know that the real problem is me. It always is.
"Mark" he answered raising up a hand.
I hesitate for an instant, then shook his hand. He looked to my white hand and my nails bitten and painted black like he was studying me and I withdrew it fast, putting it in my lap, over my iPod.
"Life isn't being nice to you, is it?" He says with a soothing and understanding tone.
"How can you tell?" I answer slightly looking up to him but not letting our eyes cross. He's frightening me.
The waitress brought his food, smiled tantalizingly at him and left. He didn't return a full smile. It was more like a courtesy smile back.
"I knew many, many people like you. It's easy for me to recognize" he said taking a sip of coffee, still looking at me.
"So you know what I'm like" I say dryly. Sarcastic.
"You are trying to decide if what you are going to do next is what you really want" he says looking away, like he is thinking far away, and there is more "And it will probably hurt you."
I open my eyes wide and stare at him. He just looked at me and smiled, satisfied.
"Jeez, you are beautiful" he says and I look down again.
"Are you some kind of detective or something?" I ask.
"Kind of" he answers. I'm not looking to him, but I'm pretty sure he's not taking his eyes off me.
"Oh..." I tried to take a sip of my coffee but figured I was shaking even worse, so I gave up.
"It means I'm right" he concludes.
"Are you?" I say renewing my resolve, determined that if I stood there that guy would figure it all out, and I wanted it over "You are indeed a great detective, but it doesn't matter" I said standing up.
I just put 10 bucks on the counter and left the café. I overheard him saying something, like asking me to stay or something, but soon as I stormed out to the street I couldn't hear him anymore. Nothing he could say would change my mind. I didn't want to suffer anymore and even if we turned out being friends or something more, it wouldn't last. And I was already so broken by my parents, broken for losing friends, for not being able to understand them, for never being happy as they are...
Thanks, Mark. Now I'm crying and that is your fault.
I rushed to the enormous commercial building and take my security card at hand. My father used to work here before becoming the politician he is today, and made it for me when I was just a kid, but I had already tried and it was still working. I show it to the guard, slip it on the door and I'm inside. Soon I'm on the roof.
The wind is not blowing that strong and the sky is just a straight gray line, full of a billion tiny little clouds. As I reach the edge, near the parapet, I can see the tiny people down there. Soon I imagine my body, completely broken by that twenty floor fall and I shiver even more, holding myself strongly. I didn't want this. I just wanted to disappear. My idea wasn't to make a scene, but jumping from here seemed the faster way to go, as I already heard we lose consciousness even before hitting the ground.
I awkwardly climb the parapet. My vision blurred a little and the world spun around me. My body was completely numb and I had a ball of ice in my stomach that was trying to escape through my mouth. I was already feeling myself fall, realizing it was over and mourning it. Mourning the poor significance my life had, to me and to the others. Then I heard the door to the roof creak.
"So that is it" I heard Mark's voice.
I turned over so fast that I lost my balance and almost fell.
"Oh my---! Don't! Careful!" He yelled in despair with his palms to the air, begging me to stop.
"Don't come any closer or I'll jump!" I scream at him even before recovering my balance.
"Ok! Ok!" He answers still pointing his palms to me, signaling me to be still.
He gasps while walking alongside the opposite wall and stopping fifteen feet from me to bend over the parapet, while I'm narrowly watching him.
"Calm down, I'm not trying to stop you, I just wanna talk" he says and looks down, grimacing and whistling "Damn, that's high."
I turn over again, facing the open air and trying to recover my breath.
"So, Olivia, what is so terrible that you want to kill yourself?" he says calmly, like this was some trivial talk.
"Everything" I say looking down but watching him with the corner of my left eye.
"Your life can't be that bad" his tone still trivial, like he was slightly scolding me.
"It's not my life."
"So what is it?"
"It's... It's me" I chose sincerity. If that's my last conversation, why not?
He looks consternated and I look back at him. He is propped on his elbow again, fingers enlaced over his chest and legs casually crossed. He is wearing boots, black soldier boots. I had an uncle once that used them too. He was one of the few people, if not the only, I'd say I loved.
"But you seem to be just a young and beautiful lady. What could be so wrong with you?"
"I would... I would say I don't know how to live. Things make me extremely sad out of nowhere. I... I don't want to talk about it. Do you mind?"
My eyes are teary again. Why does he have this influence over me? I'm not used to crying in front of strangers. It can only be due to this circumstances, there's no other explanation.
"No. I don't mind. I don't think anything I would say could persuade you not to jump" he says looking down calmly.
"How did you get here?" I ask.
"I have my tricks" he says half smiling.
"Other than reading people's minds?"
"I don't read people's minds, I just have a good knowledge about how they react, how they move and what moves them, their features... All of it indicates how you're feeling, what are you going to do. That's why I say there’s nothing I can do for you" he says and looks at me with a sad smile.
I nod slowly. And I can't help myself from admiring this man. He knows what he's talking about, because he is right. There's nothing he can do.
"I feel shame. I'm ashamed of being who I am. Even my parents being two monsters, I'm rich, I'm healthy, apart from my head obviously... And still I can't live. There are people in the world living with so much less, so much... And I just can't be happy. I wish for death every single day..." I'm surprised about how much I was telling that man I just met. He is just there, listening. Looking like he understands me.
We both stare at the tiny street down there. It's so peaceful up here. My mind is so quiet.
"I had already been there" he says "Once. Ready to jump just like you."
"Why?"
"Many people died because of me."
"Are you a killer or something?"
"Yes, and no. I mean, I have already killed people, but I don't do it for fun. I was negotiating the release of nine hostages in a bank robbery" he said resignedly.
"Oh... You... Are you a cop?" I ask.
"Not anymore" he answers with that same sad smile "But I couldn't jump, as you can see."
"It's way different" I say.
"I know. I know that. I was trained to deal with suicidal people too. Trained to know exactly what they're thinking."
"So you're just gaining time to save me or something..." I speculate.
"No, I'm not" he looks at me "Honestly. Don't rush things because of me."
Just the wind sounds between us. Until he talks again.
"Do you believe in God, Olivia?"
"No, I don't."
"Your family is not religious?"
"Ohhh they are. Very much" I answer kinda pissed with the thinking.
"So?" he asks curious.
"My parents... They are both damn religious. Even so, my father is a damn corrupt politician and my mother is a snobbish bourgeois that promotes charity events to collect customers for her law office and nothing else. They are definitely no good. That's why I'm not religious."
"Makes sense. So you'll jump and that's it. No fear?"
"Of pain, yes. Of going to hell? Hell no." I say, but remember thirty minutes earlier when I felt bad just from hearing a song about it.
"You don't sound very confident" he says sarcastically.
I just scowl at him and his playful smile disappears.
"So you have nothing left to lose..." he simplifies.
"No, nothing." I say looking down again and feeling my breath become irregular. I think this is time.
"And you experienced everything you wanted to?" He asks suddenly.
"What do you mean?" I ask intrigued, but already getting his idea.
"A person without reason to live, a person who wants to die, can do everything she wants. There is no parameters and no rules to follow. Like jumping from a plane, climbing a mountain without equipment, driving a car at 150 miles per hour..."
"I think I know where you're trying to get" I say dryly.
"If you do it's because you are thinking about it too" he says grinning again.
"Hell no. I'm just used to be around people like you" I say in a surly tone.
"You can't blame me. I know I can't get the suicide out of your head. Still, it will be a real big waste, cause you are gorgeous" he try to explain, and it just enervates me more.
"What... Are you crazy? I don't know you. I never did it befor...!" and when I notice, I had already said.
"You have to be kidding me. Are you going to die a virgin? Do you have any idea of what you are missing?" he says almost indignantly.
"That is none of your business!" I spit, but something makes me grin.
"So, you already know I'll not try to dissuade you from your death wish and I can see in your eyes that you are considering it..." he puts some sexy tone at that last part.
"Considering what?" I play dumb.
"Having sex with me before jumping off the building" he say laughing "Damn, it sounds ridiculous when said out loud like that."
And as the last thing I could expect of that day, I was laughing.
"Is that smile a yes?" He says with a hopeful tone. "Jeez, you look even prettier when smiling... Come on, I promise I'll be really good to you."
Yes, he was right, that was ridiculous. But suddenly I had an idea.
"Only if you promise that, if I still want to die after... You know what... You'll give it a way to make me go fast and painless, then..." I choke and say with faltering voice "...Then you disappear with my body."
Our eyes cross, mine are teary, his are sad, really sad. He gulps some air and finally talks:
"Ok. Ok, I'll do it" he says resignedly and I gasp at the thought, but he continues "But only if you let me try to change your mind."
I already knew he would not succeed with his attempt, nobody could, and I wouldn't make a scene after all, I could only disappear exactly as I wanted. And thinking about having sex with him wasn't disturbing me at all as, in fact, I was always really curious about it... And, damn, I found him really hot. So I nod and barely manage to say "Ok, then..."
"Can I get near you now?" he asks.
"Sure..."
He walks slowly to me and raises his hand for me. When I grab it he steps ahead and grabs me from my waist, wrapping his arm around me. I could notice he did it with relief. Hard not to think this was his objective all the time. He openly smells my neck while putting me down, sending an arousing feeling over my entire body.
I'm more than a foot smaller than him. He removes my hood with a hand while still holding my waist with the other. My long and dark hair falls gently over my back and he tucks a few strands behind my right ear, leaving some hair resting freely over my chest.
"It's hard to imagine... Hard to conceive, someone so pretty and struggling so much inside" he says while I tried to wipe some tears that were spreading my make up, forming black lines down my face. The way he was talking... He was lying all the time. His hand is trembling in my back. It was all a trick to make me give up and I believed him.
"You are not killing me, are you?" I ask looking directly into his eyes.
"No, I'm not" he says while holding tighter.
"What else was a lie?" My voice is weak, betrayed.
"Nothing else" he says, his face getting closer to mine.
"So you do want to take me..." and before I can finish my sentence he is kissing me.
Initially I struggle. He presses his lips on mine even stronger and I give up fighting back and just welcome that overwhelming feeling.
My arms contracted over my chest, his hand grabbing the nape of my neck and pushing me to his kiss. My entire body shudders to his passion, to his voracious movements. He wants me. Badly.
Then he interrupts the kiss, looking at me while I recover my breath.
"Your eyes are so black..." he say really close, I can feel his breath "They're like a flawless dark mirror, they are sad, but so beautiful..."
"So you still want to have me in your bed..." I say weakly, my entire body trembling.
"Only if you'd like to" he says expectantly "But I wasn't thinking about my bed..." he wraps his other arm around my waist too.
"Oh..." I flush and look down "I don't know... You were right. I have nothing to lose. I don't have a reason to not let you have me. But still... You know what I want. Don't think you saved my life, you just prolonged my suffering" I let my head fall in to his chest.
He stills for a while. His hand strokes my back gently.
"Maybe I can make you forget about it for a while" he says lifting my face, cupping my chin with his hand and kissing me tenderly. I feel his other hand unzipping my sweatshirt.
I close my eyes while I feel his hand getting into my shirt, touching my bare skin. He caresses my waist, travels through my ribs and up to my right breast, squeezing it softly over my bra. I gasp and look at him. His eyes are burning, mine are confused, mixing surprise, regret and pleasure. I extend my arms behind me and let my sweatshirt fall. He unfasten my bra and pull it down, still letting my white shirt. Then he grabs my nape again and pulls me closer while his left hand cups the considerable size of my breast. I can feel its warmth while his fingers close around my nipple and start fondling it gently and slowly. I moan.
"That's a beautiful sound" Mark says.
"You're making me embarrassed" I cry.
"No reason for that. Tell me, that feels good?" he says laying my head on his chest, turning my body aside and holding me against him. His hand still free to move beneath my shirt.
I feel my face burning. My pale white cheeks probably turning crimson.
He slightly pinches my nipple and rubs it. I feel it harden, become stiff. And I moan again, wrapping one of my arms around his neck and covering my face with it.
Then Mark let go of me and kneels, both hands on my hips.
"Are you feeling cold?" he asks looking to me, while I notice my nipples marking the shirt.
"A little" I answer putting my hands in his hair.
"Ok... Just hold tight" he says unbuttoning and unzipping my light grey jeans, then slowly pulling them down.
I'm feeling so ashamed. I don't even know him. I can't even say if Mark is his real name and yet I'm not stopping him. Actually apart from my unstoppable shivering and the rush of blood to my cheeks, I want this to happen. The anxiety and the fear are making me crazy.
"Oh..." he moans pleasantly when lowering my panties and getting to see me down there.
He grabs my back fiercely with both hands and pushes me against his face, instantly cupping my sex with his hot mouth.
"Aagh!" I squeal in surprise.
He bends me forward, arching my pelvis to have access to my entrance, forcing his mouth into me and I can feel his wet tongue slipping hungrily into me. The sensation is overwhelming, making me gasp and bent over him, shaking. He is aiming my clitoris and, from the apex of my trepidation, I'm loving it. He keeps licking and licking for a couple of minutes. I'm already gasping furiously when he stops and looks up, right into my eyes. I can see pure pleasure. Mark stands, grabs my face with both hands and kisses me.
The kiss lights me up. He is kissing me so passionately that it is hard to understand. He is kissing me like he cares... It was weird but, in that moment, he makes me his. I wrap my arms around his neck and the fear is gone. I just feel his huge and muscular body pressing me against him and his mouth trying to passionately devour mine, the cold air of the roof freezing my hot skin.
"Kick your clothes off" he says lifting me and I obey, making my jeans and panties fall to the ground. I have just my white t-shirt covering my slender body now, and it is not long enough to cover the axis between my thighs. I can feel myself wet, not only by his saliva. He carries me to the parapet and leaned my back on it, pressing me against it and enlacing my legs around his waist, then grabbing my arse with both hands again.
"Are you really a virgin?" he asks.
I look shyly to him and nod, flushing. "Can you be gentle with me?" I ask.
"Of course sweetheart. I'm honored to be your first."
"You'll probably be the only" I say and he’s silent, just gazing at me with a disturbed look.
Mark lowers one of his hands and I hear the sound of unzipping trousers. My heart rate increases and I feel it pumping against my rib cage. Then I feel him rubbing the tip of his member in my entrance, slowly massaging my labia and my clit. I moan softly and lay my head on his shoulder, nuzzling his neck. He smells really nice. Then I feel him positioned between my labia, his stance becoming more erect and my own weight bringing me down, spreading me for him.
"Ouch..." I groaned softly and closed my eyes tightly. I was so numb because of all this that I practically welcomed the pain.
"Are you ok, sweety?" Mark asks looking down.
"Yes, I am..." I answer, but my teary eyes betray me.
He stops for a while and free one hand to wipe my tears.
"It's known to hurt at the first time" he says gently "Want some time to get used to it?"
"No... I want to feel it. Don't worry about me" I say and he frowns at me, so I complete "Really!"
He sighs, caress the entire length of my silky black hair until my lower back, then puts his hand on my behind again and begins to push himself into me again very slowly.
"Ouch...Ahhh..." I tighten my arms around his neck, close my eyes and grit my teeth. It's the weirdest feeling I ever felt. It hurts but makes me feel good somehow. I feel so full...
"There you go babe" he says when he can't go any deeper and starts to move in and out of me, slowly as always.
"Ohh... Hmm..." I moan between gasps. It still hurts, but feeling him inside of me turns out to be even better than I expected.
"Jeez, you are so tight... So perfect" he murmurs at my ear.
His voice is so sexy... I feel chills running through my entire body and I can feel myself clenching around him.
"Whoa, I felt that" he said gasping "Tightening like this I won't be able to stand much longer, and I want you to come" he said and slowed his rhythm on purpose.
My moaning followed his pace and I was all about slow and soft moans. My face buried in his neck, head resting comfortably on his shoulder, and I had completely forgotten about the pain. Maybe all that foreplay made me this prepared for him. I could feel something slowly building inside of me. My first penetration orgasm. And the way it was coming I could expect something way bigger than I was used while touching myself.
"M-Mark... I'm coming... Ple-ease... Fast..." I mumbled in ecstasy in his ear and he responded instantly, increasing his speed again. I tightened my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist.
He pressed me hard against the parapet, my back hurting as I was being bent against it's edge, and his motions were getting rougher each second.
Soon I was groaning with all my lungs could give, like luxurious cries for help, begging for release. So in a vicious thrust, practically crushing me against the parapet, he came. I felt myself flooding with something hot.
He hammered himself inside of me three more times, groaning loudly with me "Come babe! Come!" I shuddered and I literally cried while coming for him, just like he asked me to do. All my body stiffened around him and he kept moving slowly but fiercely for the time he could feel me still twitching inside.
Tears were rolling down my cheeks while I was recovering my breath. His erection was still completely buried inside of me and it didn't seem to go away any time soon. A sublime, exquisite feeling was all around me and I let myself go for good, sobbing openly while hugging him. I was feeling so... Free...
Mark, who was practically laid over me, recovered himself and stood again, lifting me, what was a big relief to my hurt back. Then withdraw from me making me gasp and I felt a wave of residual pleasure irradiating all over my body. My shaking legs fall numb and he put me slowly on my feet, still keeping an arm tight around my waist and supporting me, otherwise I'd be falling for sure.
"I hope these tears are from joy" he says wiping them over my cheeks and looking to me.
"Well... They are not from sadness..." I say shyly.
"C'mon, you were in heaven thirty seconds ago, you moody girl" he says with a joking tone while softly pinching my cheek.
I test a smile and it comes, not as hard as I expected.
"That's a beautiful view" he says looking a little stunned. I flush.
"What will you do now? Keep around me and fuck me every time I have a death wish?" I say all of a sudden.
He stares perplexed then, after some thought, he simply nods.
"I can always lock you in a bedroom and keep you entertained... I'm retired, you know. And the way I'm totally crazy about you... I think I could do it indefinitely..." he kisses me swiftly while my eyes widen.
"You mean you want a sex doll" I scowl.
"You don't have a vote. If you say no I'll kidnap you. I know that if I leave you alone you will..." and he looks over the parapet "C'mon, just try. It will be good, trust me."
"The last time I trusted you, you lied to me" I say angrily.
"And look how you hated the aftermath!" he says smiling ear to ear.
I stay with my mouth open but no word comes out. First, I know that my scolding has no effect on him. Second, who am I trying to fool? I want it. I never felt so good in my entire life.
"So you'll just keep me busy day after day until you get bored of me?" I say with my habitual semi dead tone.
"Or until you fall in love with me" he says caressing my cheek again and touching my nose with his "but yes, keeping you busy all day long" he grins.
A half smile divides my face with a indignant scowl. He's still looking to me like he could devour me. I feel a rush of adrenaline making my heart race once again when I come to a conclusion.
"Ok..." I say and his eyes widen.
What do I have to lose anyway?
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Libbie
- 11.07.2021
- 7
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