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"Donnie, come on..." Mitch tried to calm me down, but I was having none of it! My adrenaline level was off the charts and I needed to get away from him. He tried, once again to touch me, but I ducked under his arm and I ran to the second bathroom that was off of the lounge and I slammed the door shut. I locked it before he got to me. He pleaded with me through the door, "Donnie, come on, please! We talked about this last night. We both wanted to do it. Please, open the door and talk to me." "Go away!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs while I looked desperately for anything to throw at the door. I found a water glass and heaved it with all my might, but it was plastic and just cracked and fell to the ground. "Donnie... Please, come out and talk to me. I love you, you know I love you." I could tell Mitch was crying, but the rage that I was feeling wasn't letting me listen to him. "You love me!?" I shrieked even more angered at having heard those words. "Then, why did you rape me!?" I felt betrayed. I felt used. I felt alone. I felt trapped. Did he really do that to me!? Had I actually agreed... Oh, God, what the hell had I done? "Donnie, how can you say that? I'd never do anything to hurt you! You know that, Donnie! You know me! Please, come out and talk to me." "No!" Just kept screaming that word through the door whenever he tried to speak. I'd hear his voice and my immediate response was to shriek the word 'No' as loudly and as long as I could. Now, as I tell this story, I know that I was being irrational and I needed to gather my wits, but then... then I was high on adrenaline, fear and anger and being in the locked bathroom with no windows and only one door made me feel like I was a caged animal - and that's exactly how I behaved. This pointless exchange, Mitch apologizing, begging and pleading, and me screaming in response, went on for a long time. I had lost all track of anything outside of our horrible duet, but of course, time was moving along and we were expected to appear at breakfast and Mitch was expected to participate in the day's golf game, but neither of us was paying much attention to that. I swear, while I had myself locked in that lavatory, if you'd asked me how long I'd been there, I would have answered either a few minutes or a few days depending on how angry I was at that moment. I didn't know and I didn't care about anything except my pain and anger until, through the locked door, I heard someone knocking on the suite's hallway door. Mitch cussed as he made his way to the door. I heard him open it and listened carefully, secretly hoping that someone had heard my screams and called the police. I would serve him right if they hauled him away. It wasn't the police, though, it was Nancy. "Hi," I heard Mitch say. "It's... it's not a great time..." "Oh," Nancy said, and I could hear concern in her voice. "Donnie left without her purse last night. I picked it up." "Thanks" "Mitch, what's going on? You guys weren't at breakfast. Everyone's concerned." I heard Mitch cough. "Um... yeah... we're... we're dealing with some stuff, this morning." "Is Donnie sick?" I could hear Nancy's voice becoming more forceful. "You look like crap. Let me in. I want to talk to her." "No, Nancy..." Mitch sputtered. "Like I said... it's not a good time... Hey!" By the sound of Mitch's voice, I knew that Nancy had pushed past him and was now in that suite. "Donnie!?" Nancy called out. "Donnie!? Where are you?" Then I heard her say, "God, Mitch, put some clothes on. Where is she?" "I'm in the bathroom!" I yelled. "Nancy..." Mitch tried to gain an upper hand in their exchange, but Nancy could be very single minded when she was upset and she was obviously upset at that moment. Seconds later, she was at the lavatory door, knocking. "Open the door, Donnie." "No," I replied, with less volume. "Not until he's gone." Then I heard Mitch, from a distance, he must have been dressing. "I'm not leaving until we talk." I heard Nancy sigh then ask, "Do you want to talk to Mitch?" "No!" I shouted. "Not now and not ever!" Another sigh from Nancy, then, "Just go golfing, Mitch. That's what they expect you to do. I'll talk to her." Mitch started to argue, but Nancy was forceful. "Do you want them to coming looking for you, Mitch? To see this mess? To hear this shouting? Just go!" It took him about ten minutes to dress and shave before I heard him leave, but not until asking me one last time to talk to him. I remained silent, though. When the door shut, Nancy said, "He's gone. Come on out, please, Donnie." I opened the door and watched as Nancy's face changed from concern to shock and then to control. It was then that I realized that she had not seen me this close to naked before. The flat front of my panties and the newly enhanced tear drop shape of my breasts must have been a shock to someone who had seen me naked a thousand times before. Gratefully, she was gracious enough to know that this was not the appropriate time to discuss my body. "I need a robe," I said, self consciously. "You sit," Nancy commanded. "I'll get it." Moments later, we were sitting in the lounge, gazing out at the beautiful mountains of Hawaii and I was wishing that I was back in the cold, dirty snowy darkness of New England. "So..." Nancy took my right hand in both of hers and gently rubbed it. "... what happened?" I looked around the room for a solid minute or more while she waited patiently. "I woke up this morning and... I must have blacked out last night... I don't remember much of anything after a certain point. Anyway... Mitch took advantage of that and... he raped me." Nancy stared at me waiting for more, but I'd told her all I knew. "Mitch?" she asked, quietly and calmly. I nodded. She sat back and thought for a moment. "What is the last thing you remember last night?" I shrugged. "I had a good time. I remember dancing a lot. I remember talking to Mitch about maybe... maybe... staying... like this and I asked if he liked me better this way. That's about it." "Do you remember Beverly announcing that you'd be the chairwoman of the spring charity events?" I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "How about our little heart to heart?" she asked. "We... we had a heart to heart?" I was confused. "About what?" Nancy shook her head and heaved a sigh. "Donnie, last night at about ten thirty, you and I went to the ladies room together. On the way back, you dragged my to a quiet part of the lobby and we talked. We talked a lot." I put an elbow on the arm of my chair and rested my forehead in my hand, rubbing it. I tried to think through the liquor induced hangover haze and the adrenaline induced shakes. I began to feel overwhelmed and the shakes began to become more difficult to control until I was shaking and suddenly sobbing. I didn't even realize that I was crying until I tried to speak and my voice was distorted by the weeping. "I can't remember anything. What did I say?" "Hey, hey." Nancy rubbed my shaking back. "It was a good conversation, Donnie. We talked through a lot and I felt better about... us. And then..." I looked at her, frightened. "And then...what?" She shrugged. "And then... you told me how you felt about Mitch and how you wanted to stay... like this... and you asked me what I thought about it." I closed my eyes and tried to think, but it was all a blank. "What did you tell me?" Nancy was obviously uncomfortable with this conversation. "Look, Donnie..." She was trying to avoid telling me, but I begged her and she nodded. She stood and looked out the window before she spoke and she kept looking out at the beauty of the earth while she recounted what she said. "I told you... I told you that I couldn't make a decision for you, but that I knew that Mitch loved you... that he loved you like... like a man loves a woman. Of course I didn't mean like what happened after... when... You got back here. I meant that I saw how he looked at you... how he held you, even when he just held you casually... how he kissed you... I said that that kind of love is a once in a lifetime thing and it was right there if you were brave enough to take it." I think she was avoiding looking at me because her eyes were watering up. "I told you how brave I thought you were being, doing all of this for love, and how lucky you were to have discovered real love - true love - even if you had to work harder than most people did to have that." I digested all of that and thought about how the scene between Mitch and me in our suite may have played out, but still, I couldn't believe that I would willingly have participated in something so antithetical to what I believed was my real self. It just couldn't have happened unless Mitch forced himself onto me, it just couldn't have. When Nancy turned to face me, her eyes were brimming with tears, but none had escaped to her cheeks. "Oh, Donnie, the way that you were talking, it sounded like you were ready to... I mean... Donnie, I've known both you and Mitch for so long and I believe that you're feeling like Mitch took advantage of you, but... is it even possible that you might have deem willing to... I mean... Mitch? Rape you? Donnie, I can imagine Mitch doing anything in the world FOR you, but I can't even conceive of a world in which he'd do anything to hurt you, I just can't! Now, please, don't get mad at me, because I believe what you're telling me, I really, really do, but... I remember a lot of nights a decade or so ago when you and I got more than a little drunk and did some pretty outrageous things and the next morning, you didn't remember any of it. I know that blackouts are scary for you, but they're scary for those of us who are with you when you're blacked out and we don't realize it until later. Isn't there just the slightest possibility that maybe, just maybe you and Mitch did this thing... together?" My tears had slowed, but the shakes came back again. I shook my head and shrugged. "I don't know, Nan, I don't know! I mean... that's what he claimed. He said we talked about it but... Nancy... I think he... I think he was... IN me... I don't think I'd ever agree to that. I wish I could remember..." There were tissues on the end table. Nancy picked up the box, pulled out a couple for herself and offered me the box. I took it, pulled a tissue, wiped my eyes and blew my nose. Nancy sat, again. "Donnie... I don't want to be the bad guy... I want to be here for you, but you're not exactly an innocent virgin, are you? I mean, we started to do it with each other when we were like sixteen and..." she took a deep breath, "...even the part that Mitch might have entered isn't exactly virginal, either. I mean... oh, God, this is embarrassing... I mean... I've had fingers up there before and I've even used my vibrator on you a few times. I know, I know, nothing we did ever involved going all the way up in there, but I'm just saying... if you were drunk, uninhibited, feeling feminine and wanting to feel even more like a woman, well... isn't it just possible that you 'wanted' to have Mitch treat you like a woman? I'm not saying that it happened that way... I'm just saying... isn't there just the slightest possibility that it did? And if there is just the slightest possibility, then shouldn't you sit down with Mitch and talk it out?" I didn't know what to say or do or feel or think, but I knew what I needed. I lowered myself from the seat to the floor and I knelt in front of Nancy, I laid my head in her lap and I left loose, crying unconsolably for God knows how long, while Nancy held me and hugged me and let me cry myself out. I guess it had been about eight thirty when Nancy had arrived at our suite and it was approaching eleven by the time I had showered and dressed. I was still working on my hair with a blow drier when Bev and Jodi arrived to find out if I was ok. From what I could glean from their conversation in the lounge while they thought I was out of ear shot, they had been texting with Nancy and were aware that Mitch and I had had some sort of a blowout and that I was very upset. Apparently, Nancy had told them that I was now up to receiving company, so here they were. I unplugged the drier and looked at myself. There was nothing I could do about the puffiness around my eyes, but my makeup was... it was fine... the best I could do, under the circumstances. I was wearing another loose fitting, sleeveless top with teeny-tiny blue flowers printed all about it, that showed off my nicely shaped breasts without being trashy, and it matched my soft blue, mid thigh length, skirt with dozens of narrow pleats. I wore low heeled sandals with this ensemble, even though Randall had chosen a much higher heel for me, but he'd never know. "Oh, my dear, dear girl!" Bev orated from where she was standing by Nancy's side, her hands clutched you her heart, "Are you alright!?" Jodi came to me, her arms wide. "You poor thing. Come here. You need a good, hard hug." I certainly got one, too. "I'm so sorry, dear. Here you are in one of the most romantic places on earth and you have a lovers spat." I laughed as she guided me to a chair. "It was a lot more than a spat, Jodi. We... we had a FIGHT. A big, knock down, drag out FIGHT. It was pretty terrible. I don't know if we can move on from this." Jodi sat on the arm of my chair and rubbed my shoulders. "Oh, I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you think. I know how it feels when you have a fight with your first real love. It's like the world is coming to an end, isn't it? You'll get through it, though." I looked at Nancy who was looking at me and we both were thinking the same thing. Was Mitch really the first real love of my life? What had Nancy been, then? I thought I'd loved her, I mean... I did love her, but... Geez, why did all of this have to be so damned confusing!? "I... I've been in a serious relationship before," I said. "This fight, though... it was different. We said... and did things that can't be unsaid or undone. I just don't know if... if I can ever forgive him... or he can ever forgive me... or... most of all... if I can ever forgive... myself." Bev and Jodi exchanged concerned looks. Jodi patted my hair. "Oh... that does sound serious... but, you know, Bob and I had our share big fights before we felt out our relationship. Everyone does, angel." "The same with Oscar and me," Bev said, as she sat in the chair next to me. "Of course, when Bob and I met, he was just a law student, and we didn't have a penny between us, but, in a way, that made the stakes even higher. Every penny we spent was scrutinized and we were always just one small mistake from being destitute. We fought like cats and dogs some days, but... when you love each other... you work through it." "See, Donnie," Jodi tried to console me, "we've all been through it and survived. You will too. I promise." Nancy nodded. "They're right, Donnie. You just need to talk it out with Mitch and it'll work out." I sighed. I wished I could actually discuss what had happened, but that was impossible. "Let's get our minds off of that for now, and talk about the spring fund raising drive," Bev said. Did this woman never listen!?!? I was falling to pieces, but she wanted to talk about her precious fund raiser. "Oh, Bev, I don't think I can even think about that at this point. After what happened today, I don't know if Mitch and I will even survive this trip let alone be together in six or eight weeks." "Oh, poo." Bev once again waved off my concerns. "Whether you like it or not, Donnie, you have become a leader amongst the wives. The moment you walked into breakfast that morning, in that silk blouse and gold skirt, every woman on this trip has been enthralled by you. You need to do this for them, Donnie, and for all the kids we can help with the money we raise." "Kids?" I asked. I'd not heard what the charity in question was. "Yes." Jodi was still patting my hair. "Every penny we raise goes to arts programs in inner city schools. It's one of our favorite charities." Bev nodded in agreement. "And with you being an artist yourself..." She let it hang there. Oh, man, that was a hard thing to say no to. I was a mediocre student at best and I may well have sunk to the level of 'failing student' had it not been for the arts programs at my school. I really would have liked to have helped out, but... "I just don't know." I maintained my resistance. "I'd hate to commit to something this important and then not be able to follow through." "Let's do this, then," Jodi suggested, "you start the process as our chairwoman with Bev and me working behind the scenes and we'll find someone to be a cochairwoman who can be the face of the project if you have to bail out at some point. How does that sound?" I shrugged, but didn't say anything. "That is an excellent idea, Jodi." Bev stood and walked towards Nancy. "And I know just the woman for the job." She touched Nancy's upper arm. "What do you say, Nancy?" "Me!?" Nancy was shocked. "Why not?" Bev smiled. "You're an events coordinator, aren't you? This seems like it would be right up your alley." Perfect, right! I could find a way out and Nancy could be a hero. Just perfect! "Yes!" I said enthusiastically. "I'll do it if Nancy does it with me." I could tell that Nancy was leery of it, but also thrilled to have the opportunity to be able to prove herself to these women. "Oh... well, then... sure. As long as we do it TOGETHER." Nancy stressed the last word and gave me a sideways, somewhat threatening, glance. "Excellent!" Bev said, while Jodi applauded. "Let's see, it's noon now and we have a luncheon at two. We'll make another announcement, stating that Nancy will join you as cochairwoman, and introduce you both. Then you can both give a short speech and ask for the wives to join in and help to get community agencies and businesses involved - you know, offering their services at lower or no costs - and then you can ask for volunteers to be on the organizing committee. Then we can put all of that organizing stuff aside until we get back home and then the meetings can begin. Do you have a computer handy?" "I have an iPad," I said as I retrieved it from where it sat on its charger. Jodi took it and opened a page, on the company's website, that was dedicated to previous 'Community Involvement Days.' It was a very large carnival that took place in our city every year, but I never knew who put it all together before. Nancy asked about contractors and suppliers and other things that wouldn't have occurred to me and it seemed like we were off and running. Later, as we walked to the outdoor luncheon area, Bev and Nancy walked together and discussed logistics while Jodi and I walked behind and discussed my blouse. Who made it, where I got it, how delicate and feminine the little flowered print was... neither of us had the kind of detail-acumen that our counterparts had. "I think that Nancy is a perfect choice," Jodi whispered. "Bev came up with the idea after breakfast this morning. She has a lot of experience with these kinds of things. With Nancy as your partner, you can concentrate on the 'big picture,' and Nancy can help you implement the infrastructure elements. It'll all work out perfectly." I still had a lot of doubts. "What if it doesn't, though?" Jodi laughed. "It always does. Everything in our lives happens for a reason and if we stay true to ourselves and follow through, everything always works out." I looked at her askance. Was she talking about 'Community Involvement Day' or me and Mitch? The luncheon was, of course, beautiful and delicious. Now, when I say 'beautiful,' of course I mean that the scenery was breathtaking, but it was all enhanced by the women I was with. Everyone of them took good care of themselves and dressed beautifully. Whether they were older or younger, tall or short, thin or heavier, they had all taken a great deal of care to look and behave beautifully. It was entirely different than being in a group of men, most of whom only dressed to be 'acceptable' and very few of whom could resist a filthy joke or a raunchy story. Here, the humor was pleasant and sincere and the laugher was relaxed and sisterly. There was a certain amount of social posturing going on, of course, but... there was nothing crass or ugly going on. It was all just... lovely. When the time came for Bev to introduce Nancy and me as the cochairwomen of the spring fundraising campaign Nancy and I rose stood in the middle of the group of women and smiled. I had hoped that Nancy might have something inspiring to say, but instead, she just held her arms towards me to indicate that the floor was mine. I cleared my throat and for the first time in my life, spoke to a crowd of people. "Hi, everyone. I think I've met all of you. My name is Dawn and I am here with my boyfriend, Mitch, who is an attorney with the firm. This is my friend, Nancy, who is here with her fianc?, Craig, who is an accountant." I looked for a way to start the pitch for volunteers, but drew a blank, so I just spoke about myself. "I know that we are new to this group of amazing women, but... see, I was not a great student in high school. I struggled a lot, and my friends, like my friend Nancy, here, who knew me in high school, were all high achievers. But I found that I did have a talent for drawing and an interest in painting and three dimensional art - anything in the visual realm, I just wanted to learn more about it and how to create it. It became my reason for getting up in the morning and going to school. My reason for doing well in other subjects and my goal. I decided that I wanted to become a graphic artist. I went to college for that and, up until a few months ago, when the company I worked for was bought out, I made a good living at it. Now, because of this fundraising effort, I have the opportunity to work with all of you to help other kids, kids like me, to find their own means of expressing themselves. Their means of coping with life. Their connection to others." I was surprised that I had found these words within me, but all of it was true. I took a breath and wrapped it up. "Nancy and I are both new to your group and we know that amongst you all there are decades of experience in organizing and executing these kinds of events, so I'm asking you... as someone who admires all of you and wants to be a part of your family of smart, hard working women who want to make a change in their community... please, please help Nancy and me to make this a great event. Please, share your knowledge and experience with us and let's make this a fun and very profitable event for our community. Nancy?" I stepped back to let Nancy speak, but for a moment she just stared at me in shock. She knew that I'd never been on the spot like that before and she had not expected me to be so well spoken. Neither had I, of course. "Well, ummm.... There's not a lot I can add to that. To tell you the truth, I had no idea that my friend Dawn was capable of being so inspiring! I can't wait to dive into this project and get going, now! But, let me just add this - As Donnie said, this is very new to us and we need all the help we can get, so if you're able to join us to help us plan and execute this very ambitious event, please talk to one or both of us before you leave this luncheon and we'll make a list of names and numbers. After we're back in New England - after we're all unpacked and recovered from this trip, we'll be in touch with you and start our planning. Thank you." We got a very nice round of applause and the nice thing was that, before we even got back to our table, women were stopping us and we were adding their names and numbers to our phones. The end of the luncheon looked a lot like a receiving line at a wedding with women waiting in line to tell us what a great job we'd done and how happy they'd be to help out. Of course, a lot of them also wanted to talk fashion with me, which was a subject that I had kind of grown to love discussing. It was a lovely day and Bev and Jodi complemented us on how well organized and inspiring we had been in our presentation. Nancy put her arm around me and said, "Donnie and I have always made a great team," which made me feel both good and a little sad. Maybe if I'd been a more involved boyfriend... who knows. Nothing was schedule for that evening and Mitch wasn't in the room when I returned. I was exhausted from all of the emotional output of the morning, not to mention the fact that all of the screaming and fighting had begun just after four thirty that morning, so I took off my blouse and skirt and crawled into bed. Before I took a nap, though, I called Marie and Hilda on FaceTime and talked about what had happened. They listened and were very sympathetic, but, just like Nancy, they couldn't conceive of Mitch doing anything to hurt me. "Donnie," Marie asked, "do you remember the party after the homecoming game in our junior year?" I thought for a moment and said, "Not really. I remember what I was told about it, but I don't remember what I actually did that night." "What did he do?" Hilda asked. Marie shook her head. "He got hammered on Jack Daniels and decided to go from the balcony of room we were in, on the sixth floor of the dorm, all the way to the top floor by climbing on the outside of the building. He jumped from the railing of one balcony to grab the floor next one above it and pulled himself up." "Jesus, Donnie, that sounds pretty dangerous." Hilda was shocked. "It was," Marie said. "I was on the ground watching and shouting for him to stop. He scared the crap out of me." Hilda looked at Marie and asked, "Did he make it all the way to the roof?" Marie shook her head. "Only three floors. Then Mitch saw him and ran up through the building, got out onto the right balcony, got a hold of him and brought him back down through the stairwell. If Campus Security had caught him, he could have been expelled for it. Mitch made him vow never to get that drunk again, which of course, was something he couldn't live up to, but he never got so drunk that he became 'Donnie, The Human Fly' again." That story always filled me with conflicting feelings of shame and a little, stupid pride. Marie made her point. "Look, Donnie, when you drink hard alcohol, we can't always tell you're drunk. You have a tendency to look and behave normally, but then you just seem to enter an almost manic phase and you just act on any impulse that comes to you. Before you throw away your friendship with Mitch, I think you'd better have a long, long, long, long talk about everything - What happened, why it happened, what was said, who did what... all of it. Then make up your mind." I had calmed down to the point that I agreed and we said goodbye. I pulled a blanket up and settled in for a quick nap - twenty or thirty minutes was my goal. I woke up an hour and a half later. Even though he was being quiet, I could sense that Mitch was in the lounge, so I took a few moments to redress in what I had been wearing, touch up my makeup and brush my hair before I joined him. He was reading something on his iPad when I entered and sat in the chair next to him, not knowing what to say. "Hi," I whispered, as I folded my legs under me. "Hi," Mitch responded very quietly. That was all that was said for a good couple of minutes until Mitch said, "I heard that you and Nancy took over the fundraiser." I nodded. "So, does that mean you'll be staying around after we get back?" I shrugged. "I don't know. I'm I'll trying to figure everything out." Mitch closed the cover of his iPad and thought for a few moments. When he spoke, it was quiet and sad. "Look, Donnie... I didn't... I would never, ever do anything like..." he couldn't even bring himself to say the word rape. "... I would never hurt you. I love you, Don, and like I said last night, I want you to be happy... with me... always." I nodded. "I still don't know quite what to think, Mitch. I never thought I'd ever do something like that and, to be honest, I still can't believe I did..." "Donnie, we talked about it for almost an hour before anything happened..." Mitch started to protest, but I asked him to let me finish what I had to say. "But the thing is," I said, "I know you a lot better than I know myself, Mitch, and I know that... you're a great guy who wouldn't have done what I accused you of. I'm sorry for that, Mitch... I just... I just can't get my head around having done that." Mitch nodded. "Look, Donnie, I'm sorry, too. I was a little drunk, but I had no idea that you weren't really with me. You said all the right things, you know? You acted like we were doing what we both wanted. Do you... Do you think that we can put this behind us and move on?" I shook my head. "I think we need to talk about it, Mitch. I need to know exactly what happened, but I'm really not up to that tonight. Tomorrow, though, when you get back from your game, we need to discuss it from beginning to end. Right now, I'm starving and I want to get something to eat and go for a walk on the beach and... I'd kind of like you to come with me, but only if you want to." Mitch stood up and offered me a hand. "That sounds perfect." It's hard to explain exactly how I felt at that moment. I think I had come to terms with the fact that whatever had happened the night before, I couldn't hold Mitchell solely responsible for it. Whatever had happened, I think I might have been a willing participant. After all, I had been entertaining ideas of how I might remain as a woman, so the idea that I may have been uninhibited, because of the amount of alcohol I had consumed, enough to have taken everything to another level, wasn't all that far-fetched. There was something else about the situation that was beginning to convince me that Mitch wasn't the bad guy in all of this, as well. See, when you're a blackout drunk and you drink so much that your conscious brain shuts down, you wake up the next day and you may not be able to remember exactly what happened, but sometimes, you may start to recall bits and pieces. When that happens, you get a feeling in your stomach that tells you if everything was OK, or if you really went off the rails and did some pretty awful stuff. I knew both feelings well and my gut was telling me that we hadn't done anything wrong. Now, that's not the kind of evidence you can take to court, but it was something I had to rely on in order to function and get a handle on everything thing that had overwhelmed me earlier in the day. We ate at an outdoor restaurant at the resort, overlooking the beach. Conversation was a little bit hard to get into, since we both had bigger things to deal with at that moment. Mitch told me about his golf game, he was one of the leading contenders for the big prize. There were still plenty of chances for other guys to steal the big prize from him, but he was happy that, no matter what, he would be finishing near the top of the pack. We spoke about my new position as cochairwoman. I assured him that I would be stepping aside if I needed to and that Nancy could handle it without me if need be. We had seared ono fish with a honey soy glaze that was probably the best thing I had ever put into my mouth up until that point, and as the dinner went on, we found that the conversation was easier, but there was still a distance there. After dinner, we took a walk on the beach. It was truly beautiful, the moon shining on the water, the waves lapping on the shore, the palm trees silhouetted agains the bright, night sky. It was gorgeous. There were chairs placed in twos here and there about the beach. Mitch told me to sit and enjoy the view while he got us dessert. He did offer me a drink, but I had made up my mind that alcohol was out for the rest of the trip. Instead, he brought me a treat called 'Shave Ice,' essentially a snow cone with really fruity juice poured onto it. It was delicious and sitting on the beach with the evening breeze playing across my arms and legs while eating this treat was fantastic. It was a lovely way to unwind after a long, hard day of trying to get my head around what had happened the night before. In fact, some of the previous evening was popping in and out of my consciousness. I remembered the conversation that Nancy had mentioned - at least I remembered having the conversation, the subject of it was still pretty fuzzy, but I could remember being in a quiet part of the lobby and talking. "Aloha, you two!" Jodi called as she walked across the sand from the bar/snack bar area. "It's a beautiful night, isn't it?" I smiled as Mitch rose and kissed her cheek. "It sure is," he answered her. "Mitch, I hate to interrupt, but Bob has some kind of a question about that Rand case. Could you just give him five minutes of your time? I'd be forever grateful." Jodi sat in the chair Mitch had just vacated, knowing he'd give Bob a hand. "He's over at the bar." Mitch looked at me and winked. "I'll be back in five minutes." He bent and kissed me and, in spite of how upset I'd been earlier in the day, I kissed him back. It felt nice - like a normality had been restored. When Mitch had gotten out of ear shot, Jodi looked at me and her smile turned serious. "So... all happy again?" I looked back to Mitch and shrugged. "I'm not sure, but... I'm figuring things out." She smiled and took my hand. "Look, sweetheart, I don't know what happened between you two, but... can I tell you a story?" I nodded. Jodi thought for a moment before saying, "When I first met Bob, he was a fifty four year old divorcee and I was a twenty three year old waitress with a bachelor's degree in communications and very few prospects. My father hated Bob, who is a year older than my dad, by the way, and my friends thought I was nuts and Beverly... well, let?s just say that Bev was not a fan of mine at first." She laughed at the memory of that. I was surprised to hear Jodi being so forthright about her relationship, but I was curious as to where she was headed with it. "The thing was, though... I really liked Bob. I liked him a lot. So, I kept dating him and , pretty soon... I loved him. I really loved him. I wasn?t infatuated, and I certainly wasn?t interested in his money, I... just... loved him." Jodi looked over towards Bob and Mitch and shook her head. "I still do. Oh, I know a lot of people don?t believe it, but I really do. And it?s not just because he?s rich... I know that?s what people say, but... when I?m with Bob... I feel... safe and warm and happy. The same way you feel with Mitch." I was suddenly startled by that statement. Until that morning, she was right - I?d always felt safe with Mitch. The idea that I was questioning that was what had shaken me. "I?m right, aren?t I?" She took my hand and waited for an answer. "Yes," I finally said. She smiled at me. "That?s what I thought." She looked back over at Bob and Mitch who seemed to be finished with whatever they were talking about and headed towards us. "Then whatever came between you two this morning is nothing compared to finding someone you love. Just remember that and... and... don?t worry about what he did or said or what you did or you said or whatever happened and... don?t worry about a new job or the fundraiser or anything else. Just... do what?s right for you... like I did with Bob... and hold on to your love. Ok?" By now, Mitch and Bob were only a few feet away from us, so Jodi switched the topic as if we?d never mentioned anything about Mitch and me. "... I could never wear something sleeveless, dear. My upper arms are way too flabby, but those adorable little flowers are just so pretty and... oh, the men are back! I?ll leave you two in peace. All set, Bob?" "All set, dear," Bob smiled. "I?m sorry that we interrupted your evening, young lady. We?ll leave you to it and get out of your hair. Good night, kids." Mitch and I both said goodnight and we headed back to the resort, too, but via a different route. "So, what was that all about?" Mitch asked with a chuckle as we strolled along the tiki torch lit pathway. "What do you mean?" I asked confused. "Well, the Rand case didn?t need any attention and Bob said that Jodi just wanted to talk to you." I laughed. "Oh, it was just about the fundraiser committees. Nothing important." He chuckled as we entered the lobby. "Hang on. I got a text that there?s a package at the front desk for me." I stood aside and waited for the clerk to get Mitch a small, cardboard box with postage on it. "What?s that?" I asked. He ripped through the tape and pulled out a pair of gold and onyx cuff links. "I forgot my cuff links and I?m wearing my tux on Tuesday for the formal dinner. I had my mom overnight them to me." I laughed as we walked. "You could have gotten some here, you know." Mitch looked confused. "Yeah... but these are... oh, never mind." I looked at him and he was obviously a little miffed about something. "What? What did I say?" Mitch sighed. "Nothing, it?s just that... you gave me these and... well, they?re the only ones I ever wear with my tux." I blinked in total bewilderment. "I gave you them? When?" We got into the elevator and he shook his head. "Remember when your grandfather died and I helped you clean his house out? I said they were really nice and you told me to keep them." I must have looked completely baffled. "Mitch... we were like seventeen. I can?t believe you remember that." He shook his head as he slipped the keycard into the door of our suite. "I think about it every time I wear my tux." "How often do you wear a tux?" I asked. He shrugged. "Once or twice a month." He shook his head again. "Never mind. It just means a lot to me. I thought you?d appreciate it, too. Obviously, it doesn?t mean anything to you, though, so just forget it." I watched as he put the box into a drawer in his bureau. Something I had said had upset him. "Mitch, did I say something to make you mad? I didn?t mean to." "No," he said, but that wasn?t true. "Seriously, Mitch," I asked, "what did I say?" He huffed, "Look, Donnie, I know that you?re going through a lot right now and I?m trying to be supportive and patient, but... Goddamnit, after years of friendship... you never once realized how thoughtful my gifts were. How I bought you ties to match your eyes, or brought you to see art exhibits that you wanted to see. And now, when I mention what I thought was the most thoughtful gift you?d ever given to me, the cuff links obviously mean nothing to you, and... Ahh, forget it." I felt terrible, but this seemed to be the right time to get all of this out. "No, Mitch. Say it. We need to be honest with each other." He shook his head and sat on the bed. "Donnie... I didn?t know that you were flying on autopilot last night, ok? and I... oh, fuck it, I can?t believe that you?d accuse me of doing anything to hurt you. I was brutally honest with you. I poured my heart out to you and told you how much you meant to me and then... I know you were upset and all, but... I don?t deserve to be treated the way you treated me this morning. That?s all. I?m done. I?m going to get ready for bed, now." "Mitch..." I said, heartbroken that everything he?d said was true and that I?d been a thoughtless ass for so long. "I... I..." "Never mind," he said as he headed to the lavatory. "Seriously, Mitch..." I was on the verge of tears. "... I?m really sorry. I didn?t mean... I mean..." "No, just forget it," Mitch said. "I shouldn?t have said anything. This whole thing is just frustrating and impossible and talking about it just makes it worse, so..." he groaned. "I?m sorry I brought it up. I was being too thin skinned, ok? I need to man up and start being less sensitive. I get it. I understand it. I will shut up about it from now on, so just go to bed." He went into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, leaving me to wipe tears from my cheeks. He was quiet when he came out of the lavatory. I went in and performed my forty minute ablutions and when I came out Mitch was nowhere to be found. I crawled under the covers and thought about what a rollercoaster of emotions the day had been. I mean, I started the day feeling like a victim, then felt like we might be able to work everything out and ended the day as the bad guy. I rolled onto my left side and saw Mitch?s empty bed and wondered where he was. I thought about texting him, but if he?d wanted me to know where he went, then he would have told me. Just as I was starting to drift off, I heard the hallway door open and close. Then I felt Mitch sit on the edge of my bed and I turned to look at him. "Hi," he said, quietly. "Hi," I said the same way. He sighed, "Hey, Umm... I know I was being pretty childish before... I... well, I?m sorry. Of course I want to talk this all out, Donnie. Even if we?re never going to be.. together... I still want to be friends." I rolled onto my back. "Mitch..." He held up his hand to stop me. "No, look, I just went to talk to Bob and Oscar and I?m not playing golf tomorrow. I?ve already ordered breakfast to be delivered to our room and we?ll spend the day together, talking, until we?re both comfortable with where we are in this whole thing." "Oh, no, Mitch," I shook my head, "you wanted to win that vacation time. Go and play your game. We can talk after that." He shook his head. "No, Donnie. You mean much more to me than a week of vacation and I want to work this out. You?ve changed everything about yourself to help me out. I owe you my time and attention for at least a day." I felt terrible that he was throwing away his chance to win. "Are you sure." He nodded and small smile played on his lips. "Besides, I?m so far ahead that this will give the other guys a chance to catch up." That made me chuckle just a little. Mitch was a very good golfer, he was probably telling the truth. I reached up and touched the scratchy end- of-day beard on his face. "Thanks." He shrugged. "I love you, Donnie. When you love each other, you make time for each other. We?ll talk tomorrow." "But..." I wanted to be sure, "... you said that talking just makes things worse." He shrugged. "I was hurt and mad, Donnie. It happens. Even to me." He smiled and I felt better. I smiled a little, too. Mitch started to get up, but I grabbed his hand. ?Kiss me goodnight?" I asked, a little desperate for something I?d denied myself all day. He bent low and gave me a soft, warm kiss and I immediately felt better. Maybe this was love. I had a fitful night. I woke up from dreams... or maybe memories... that confused me. In them, I was always with Mitch and we... we?d gone beyond kissing. I was touching him and he was touching me... like a man and a woman. The thing that made it feel more like a memory than a dream was the feelings. I could remember the feel of his skin. The feel of his breath. The feel of... everything. I woke on Sunday morning to the smell of food and the sound of the room service delivery person leaving. I got up and wrapped my sheer robe around me and went into the lounge where Mitch had set breakfast up in the little breakfast nook in the corner. "You?re up?" Mitch smiled. "I didn?t want to wake you." I shrugged. "I smelled the food. It smells good. I wouldn?t want it to get cold." Mitch pulled out a chair for me. "Come and sit. We have a long day ahead of us." During breakfast, we focused our conversation on the food, which was delicious. We talked about the tiny, fluffy waffles, the tart mix of passion fruit, orange and mango juices in the carafe, the fresh, sweet strawberries, everything that was set before us, until we?d finished breakfast and put the trays back on their cart and pushed that out in the hallway. When the door closed, the ?Please, Do Not Disturb? sigh was hanging from the hallway door knob. Mitch set up some chairs on our balcony and we sat down facing each other, me in my chemise style nightie and silk robe, Mitch in a tee shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. We stared at each other until Mitch spoke. "Ok... I?d like to start with something other than the other night. Namely... Donnie... I don?t think of myself as gay. I?ve always thought women were amazing and I fantasize about them all the time and I have never fantasized about men... with one exception... I have always loved you... and I don?t mean like a guy loves a friend. I mean..." he took a deep breath. "... I have always loved you and wanted to be with you, but... I just couldn?t say something like that to you. Even before you looked like this, I?ve always loved you and wished that things could be different. But you have to believe me ? when I asked you to do this for me... I never for a moment thought things would go the way they did. Maybe the dresses and the makeup and... I mean... God... everything about the way you look and move and smell... maybe it all just got me carried away. I?m sorry if I went too far and upset you. Please forgive me. I just hope that we can still be friends... you know... after all of this is over." Wow! That was a lot to reply to, right!? I just blinked for a few moments. "So..." I sputtered. "... I?m not sure where to start unwrapping all of that. I mean... was all of this a set up, then?" Mitch shook his head. "No, not at all, Donnie. I swear that?s the truth. Think back to the night we went to that Halloween party with Hilda and Marie. I wasn?t even involved in that costume decision. If we hadn?t run into those guys from the firm and Marie hadn?t put us on the spot, none of this would have happened. Yeah, I probably shouldn?t have let people think that I was still seeing ?Dawn,? but... there?s something about you also ?Dawn,? Donnie. People just seem to like you. They wanted you to come back and... frankly, I did too, I guess, but I just thought this would be a great week together, then we?d go right back to the way things were." This may sound fishy when I say it, but as I sat there, I could see Mitch?s face and I knew that he was telling me the truth. I could see it in his eyes. So, I nodded and took a deep breath. "Mitch... we?ve been best friends since we were kids. If you felt that way about me... why didn?t you say anything?" He chuckled at that. "I tried, Donnie. I told you I loved you nearly every time I saw you..." "Yeah, but that was just you being funny because my mom made Marie and me say that all the time." "That?s what it was to you, Donnie... never to me. I meant it. I shook my head and tried to remember any time that Mitch has sounded insincere when he told me he loved me. I couldn?t. Again he was telling the truth. "Besides," Mitch said, looking out at the mountains and the ocean, "you had Nancy and you two were happy. I would never have done anything to come between you guys." "Why not after Nancy left, then?" I asked. Mitch shrugged. "Donnie... I don?t think of myself as gay... or even straight, really. I?m just a guy who found the love of his life when he was a kid. Unfortunately... that was you and you were my best friend. If I?d told you and you?d freaked... I would have lost you forever ? both as a friend and as the love of my life. I couldn?t risk it." I nodded and thought. Mitch thought, too, but couldn?t help but keep explaining. "Remember that night that Marie made us kiss each other? Until that moment, Donnie, I never once thought about you in a sexual way. Until then, I just always knew that I wanted to be with you... I don?t know... it?s hard to explain..." I interrupted him. "No, I get it, Mitch... alright, let me be honest now, ok?" I gathered my thoughts. "Ok... so... growing up with three sisters, well... I mean, I knew about how girls acted and all and, being on the short side, I guess I always had a little bit of a Napoleon complex, you know? Like I had to out drink and out prank everyone. Well, you know that last Halloween wasn?t the first time I?d gone out to a party as a girl. So, that didn?t bother me at all and when you asked me to come on this trip as your girlfriend... I mean I felt a little weird about it, but... well, I figured a trip to Hawaii with my buddy would be fun." I thought for a moment before I continued. "Look, Mitch... these clothes, the hair, the makeup... they did something to me, Mitch. They changed me, they really did. I mean, I?m not the same guy I was before. I?m not... I?m not a guy, anymore, Mitch... I mean I really don?t feel like a man at all any more. I feel like a woman and it?s scary, Mitch. It?s scary as hell! I don?t know who I am, I don?t know what I want, but... ok... That night... the night you mentioned... the night that Marie made us kiss... something inside me broke. I mean that in a good way, though. I mean... like... something that was trapped inside me broke and freed itself in me and made me see things... differently." When I stayed quiet, Mitch asked, "What kind of things? I mean, what seemed different?" Now, it was my turn to avoid eye contact and look out at the mountains and ocean. "Me," I confessed. "I was different. Everything about me was different." I looked at the palm trees blowing near the white sand. "And you. You were different, too." I sighed and looked at him. "Mitch... I never was a self reflective person before. Self centered, yes. Self pitying, oh, yeah, I had that down, but... this has forced me to face a lot of truths about myself and... Mitch... I love you, too, but... look, I mean, I?ve always loved you, but never like I do now. Now..." I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. "Jesus, Mitch... why am I a guy? This would have been so much easier if I were a woman? What kind of messed up world do we live in if we can?t be together?" Holy cow! Where the hell had that come from, right!? I couldn?t believe I?d actually said that. Mitch leaned forward and took my hand. "Donnie, we CAN be together. Either as a gay couple or like this. I don?t care. If you want to go back to being a guy, I?m fine with that. If you want to stay like this forever, I?m fine with that, too. I just..." he took a deep breath and let it out. "Let?s just... be together." I nodded, but took my hand back from him and sat back in my chair. I wrapped my robe around me and sniffled back some tears. "Mitch... we need to talk about the other night. I need to know what happened." He nodded. "What do you remember?" I looked around and thought. "I remember dancing with you and I remember I told you that I was going to stay looking like this when we got home." "Did you mean that?" he asked. I nodded. "I don?t remember a lot after that. I mean... I remember talking to Nancy in the lobby, but I don?t remember what we talked about. I get flashes of things that happened once we got back here. I remember touching you... down there. I remember you touching and kissing my breasts. Not much else. What about you?" Mitch took a drink of the juice he?d had left over from breakfast and spoke slowly. "Well... we?d both had a few drinks, but.. Donnie... when you go onto autopilot... I can?t always tell, you know? I mean, you didn?t seem any different. You?d been really touchy and kind of romantic all night, so when you started to get really... frisky... I thought you were just pushing things further and, to be honest, I wanted to push things further, too." "When we got back here, I hadn?t even closed the door before you?d unzipped your gown and you were standing there in just your panties with your dress around your feet. I couldn?t even breathe for a minute, when I saw you." I shook my head. All the time that I?d wanted to present myself as a good girl and the first chance I got, I?d turned into a tramp. "My panties AND my mother?s pearls." I chuckled. "I put on my sainted mother?s pearls and turned into a slut." Mitch shook his head. "No. It wasn?t like that, Donnie. You weren?t being slutty... you were in love, and so was I, and that?s why we sat on the bed and talked for a really long time. You told me that you were one hundred percent sure that you wanted to be a girl and that you were one hundred percent sure that you wanted to be with me. Then... we kissed and... one thing led to another and... most of it was your idea." I nodded. "I remember you kissed my breasts. Did I... did I..." I breathed heavily. "Did I go down on you... your... did I give you oral?" Mitch nodded. Strangely, I didn?t feel as uncomfortable about that as I thought I might. So I just nodded. "Did I... did you, I mean... did you... penetrate... me?" I knew that that was a horrible way to phrase that question, but it was the best I could do. Mitch sighed at the crassness of the question. "Well, yes and no. I mean... you jumped out of bed and ran into the vanity where you?d seen that the hotel had stocked a drawer with condoms, then you came back and you put one on me. You lubbed it up with mineral oil and you climbed on top of me and lowered yourself onto... So, yeah... I ?penetrated you,? but... I didn?t put a ton of effort into it." Just the way he?d told me the story, the tone of his voice, the way he looked at me, I knew he was telling the truth. I stood up and leaned on the railing. I was in paradise and I was with someone I loved. Everything he?d told me made perfect sense, so why had I spent an entire day tearing Mitch and myself to pieces? "I?m sorry, Mitch. I?m sorry about yesterday and what I said. I?m sorry that I never noticed the cuff links or the ties that matched my eyes or the way you told me you loved me a dozen times a day. I?m so sorry." Mitch stood and leaned against the railing next to me. He tightened his lips into a concerned smile. "I think we?re good, Donnie. How about you?" I nodded and he pulled me into a hug as he asked, "So... what do we do now?" I smiled and leaned on his shoulder and I said in a seductive voice, "I know what I want to do." He shook his head. "Not yet. We need to think about everything we just talked about before we jump back into bed." I looked appalled. "Not that! What?s wrong with you!? No, I want to go swimming, Mitch! We?ve been here since Thursday and we haven?t gone to the beach to go swimming once! Come on, let?s go swimming." "Swimming?" I think I?d thrown Mitch off with my sudden change of direction. "Yeah, come on, please. No one wants to go into the water, so I haven?t gone swimming one time. Here we are with the warm Pacific Ocean surrounding us and we haven?t even gone swimming. Come on." He smiled and blushed a bit. God, he was adorable when he blushed. "Sounds great." When you grow up in New England, you?re used to beaches with course sand or rocks and water that only approaches warm in late August. The beach at the resort in Hawaii had white sand that felt like I was walking on sugar and the water was warm and inviting. It was hard to believe that it was bitter cold back home while swimming in this clear, blue splendor. Mitch wore some tasteful board shorts and I wore my pretty two piece and we spent several hours swimming and frolicking ? I know that?s a silly word, but it kind of fits. We frolicked. A young man from the resort taught us how to stand on a surf board. Mitch went out into the waves and gave surfing a shot. He managed to stand up and stay up once, but he felt that was plenty and gave up. We had a late lunch at the same beachside counter where Mitch had purchased my shave ice the previous evening. When we carried our tray of food into the table area, we ran into a colleague of Mitch?s named Ray and his wife, Alyssa, so we sat with them and chatted. Ray had taken a day off from golfing, too, but he laughed about it saying that he was so far back in the standings that he didn?t stand a chance of winning the vacation time. As Mitch and Ray got onto work conversations, I chatted about this and that with Alyssa. Mostly about the resort and shopping at first, but then we talked about work. Alyssa was one of the wives with a job. She was a teacher at a private elementary school in our town. She taught fourth grade and seemed to love her job. I told her about my struggles to find a new job as a graphic artist and she was sympathetic. "Do you have a degree in art?" she asked. "Yes. I have a BA with a concentration in graphic art from Umass." She nodded and thought for a moment. "I know this is probably coming out of the blue, but let me throw it out there, anyway. The art teacher at my school had to leave rather suddenly a few weeks ago ? her husband is in the military and got reassigned ? and we?ve been trying to find someone that would fit in with the faculty and know how to teach art. Might you be interested in that?" I was shocked. "Teach? Me? I don?t know. I?ve never taught before and I?m not certified or anything." Alyssa laughed, "You only need to be certified to teach in a public school and you?d be teaching kids ? not high school students. Teach them to draw or paint or sculpture with air-dry clay. Mostly, it?s just an introduction to art. I think you?d like it." I thought about it for a moment. I?d need to remain a woman to do it, but that would be ok. I?d need my tax information and everything to be corrected for ?Dawn? instead of ?Donald,? but I bet Mitch could help with that. "Could I sleep on this and talk to you about it tomorrow?" I asked. "Sure. Just between you and me, my principal laid the responsibility for finding a replacement in my lap. I?m the assistant principal as well as a teacher, so I have a slightly reduced workload and a slightly higher pay." That struck a note! "Speaking of pay," I grimaced a bit dramatically, "what would a job like this pay?" She smiled and waved a hand to indicate that I shouldn?t be embarrassed to ask. "Of course, we can?t pay what the public schools do, but as a starting teacher with a bachelor?s degree, you?d start at forty seven thousand dollars. I hope that?s not too insulting." Insulting! That?s not the word that came to my mind. Yeah, it would be less than I had been making, but not by much!!! I wanted to shriek ?Yes! Yes! I?ll take it!? But there were logistics involved, so I needed to talk to Mitch. I promised an answer the next morning. We spent the rest of the day lounging on the beach on chaises, talking and I began to feel like things were going back to normal between Mitch and me. I asked him about the possibility of having my name changed on my taxes, which, of course, lead to me having to explain about the job offer from Alyssa. "So, what are you saying?" Mitch turned toward me and looked me in the eye, "are telling me that Dawn is actually here to stay?" "I think so." I shrugged. "I like me a lot better like this." He nodded. "And you?re not just doing this for a moderately well paid job, right?" I smirked at him. "I thought it was a PRETTY WELL PAID job, actually, but no, that?s not the reason. I want to stay this way." "Ok," Mitch nodded. "Well, there are plenty of people who present as the opposite sex and the process of having your name legally changed is pretty straight ahead. I can take of it for you if you want me to." "That would be great, Mitch, thank you." I squeezed his hand and let go, but he held my hand and didn?t release it. "Can I ask you a question?" He sat up on his chaise so that he was facing me. "Sure." "Well, to be frank... if I was your financial adviser, I?d have to tell you that your really can?t afford to continue paying the mortgage amount you?re paying on that salary. I?d really have to advise you to sell your place." I sighed. All of this was done to not only help Mitch with his job, but to help me keep my house. "Alright. I?ll have to look for a smaller place." "Or..." Mitch said, oddly. "... this brings me to my question. Why don?t you move in with me?" I blinked at him, confused. "Like... as you?re... girlfriend?" "Hmmm," he hummed as he bobbed his head from side to side, thinking. "Or... as my wife. Or my husband. Whatever. I want to be with you, Donnie. I want to take care of you. I kind of wanted to do this differently, but since it came up..." he took my little hand in his big paw and kissed it. "Will you marry me?" It was like the earth opened up underneath me. Like I was in free fall. My heartbeat quickened and head spun. I sputters as I tried to figure out what I wanted. "I... I... I..." Mitch smiled at my astonishment. "Wait here," he laughed. "I?ll be right back." Right back? Where the hell was he going!? Stay here!? I didn?t think I could stand, my legs were so weak at that moment, but off he ran. Seconds later, a very concerned Jodi appeared and she was agitated. "Are you ok?" She asked, out of breath. "Am I...? I don?t know what?s happening. Where?s Mitch gone?" I was still completely flustered. "I don?t know, honey." Jodi took my hand in hers. "But are you ok? Mitch was hustling past me and told me to come make sure that you were ok and to make sure that you didn?t leave. Were you sick or something?" I shook my head. "I?m not sure, Jodi. I mean, yes... I mean, no, I?m fine, but... I don?t know what Mitch... he just... he just asked me..." Jodi?s eyes shot wide open. "He ASKED you!? Are you serious? Did he just ask you... to MARRY HIM!?!? Oh, my God! You said ?yes,? didn?t you!?" I stuttered in response. "I... I... I... I didn?t answer. I was so shocked." Jodi laughed at that. "Oh, you poor baby! How could you have not seen that coming. Where did he go, though?" I had no choice but to laugh at Jodi?s laughter. "I don?t know. He said he?d be right back." Bev had appeared by this time, I assumed that she couldn?t keep up with her younger friend. "What?s going on?" she asked very concerned. "Is she ok?" "She?s fine!" Jodi laughed. "Mitch just proposed!" "Oh, my God!" Bev echoed her friend?s reaction. "Where did he run off to?" At this point my head was spinning. My life was running away from me and I wasn?t sure what I wanted. "You said ?yes,? didn?t you?" Bev asked me, but before I could answer, she turned to Jodi, "She said ?yes,? didn?t she?" Jodi shrugged. "She said she didn?t answer him. She said she was shocked." "Shocked?" Bev scoffed. "Everyone here expected it, why didn?t she?" Again, not waiting for an answer, she looked back at me. "Why didn?t you expect it?" I thought I was going to pass out with confusion. Now Bob and Oscar were there and talking to their wives. I ignored them, though and I focused. Did I love Mitch? Yes, unquestionably. Did Mitch love me? Yes, unquestionably. Did I want to remain a woman? Yes, I thought I did, but Mitch said he didn?t care if I was his wife or his husband. He wanted me either way. Did I want to be his husband? No, I didn?t. I really didn?t. Did I want to be his wife? I thought I might. I thought I did. I thought I most definitely did. I wanted it a lot. An awful lot. I wanted it more than anything. Yes! I wanted to be Mitch?s wife. I knew it for sure, now, but... where the heck was Mitch! I wanted to tell him before he changed his mind. "Here he comes, now," Bob said. "Good heavens," Oscar laughed, "I had no idea he was a track star. Look at that boy run!" Within seconds, Mitch was back with a big smile on his face. "Hi," smiled. "I?m back." No one moved. "Thank you for keeping her company." They all smiled and just stood there. "Umm, do you think that I could have a few minutes alone with Dawn?" "Oh, yes, of course," Oscar said and Bob muttered something similar and the made to leave, but Bev and Jodi stood firm. "Aren?t you coming?" Beverly gave him a double take. "What? Leave now? No. We?re staying right here. Go ahead, Mitchell. We?re here to support you both." Mitch was kind of shocked that they weren?t leaving. He looked to their husbands who shrugged, so Mitch looked at me and shrugged, as well. By this point, I was sitting on the edge of the chaise, excited and scared. "Alright, then." Mitch smiled a playful smile and his amazing, blue eyes were sparkling with moonlight and excitement. "Donnie... we?ve known each other since second grade and, well... you know I love you and, well... I can?t imagine life without you, so..." and you know what that big, romantic sap did? Got down on one knee, right there in the sand, which, of course, caught the attention of nearly everyone on the beach, so within seconds, a crowd gathered around us. He looked around, shook his head and laughed. "... Donnie... would you do me the honor of marrying me?" And then, he pulled out out a small, tasteful diamond ring in a platinum setting. I couldn?t believe he actually had a ring. "Where did you get that?" He smiled. "Things were going well those first few days, so when I called my mom and asked her to overnight my cuff links I asked her to send this, too. It was my grandmother?s. She left it to me." "Your grandmother?s ring?" I couldn?t believe this. After one of the worst days of my life, I was the woman in one of the most romantic proposal scenes ever staged! "Well?" Bev asked. "Mitchell is waiting." "Mitch?" Jodi said. "I?m going to explode if you don?t answer him, soon!" I looked into Mitch?s eyes and I knew that I was making the right decision. "Yes, Mitch. I?ll marry you." I felt like electricity was flowing through me as Mitch slipped the ring onto my finger and everyone around us applauded. He kissed me, then stood and helped me to my feet. Then he hugged me and I wrapped my arms around his neck so we could kiss and kiss and kiss. "So," Bob asked after our kisses had ended and Mitch was shaking hands with men and I was showing off my new ring to women, "when?s the big day going to be?" Mitch laughed. "Geez, Bob, she just said ?yes.? We haven?t discussed that at all." Jodi was holding my left hand and raving about my ring when Bob called over to me, "What do you think, Donnie? Would you prefer a spring or a summer wedding?" I was still high on excitement. "I don?t care, Bob. Anytime or anywhere will be fine with me." "Oh, I know who should make your dress!" Bev blurted out in excitement. "Jodi, you know that girl in Boston on Newberry Street. Oh, she does wonderful work! We?ll introduce you to her the moment we get home!" "Oh, yes, and we?ll arrange for the country club for your reception. Oh, you?ll love what they?ll do for you, dear! They?re wonderful there." It seemed that my wedding was being planned right there on the beach and I was fine with that. I was in heaven! The next hour was a blur of congratulations from strangers and people from Mitch?s firm who I barely knew, but seemed genuinely happy for Mitch. My left hand was held in a limp wristed extension for the entire time so that women could inspect the beautiful ring, which was, essentially, Mitch?s stamp of ownership, but, you know what... I loved the attention and the thoughtfulness of the women. They all were so happy for us ? for me. It was a beautiful ring, too. A one carat, square stone in a square boarder with small diamond chips in the boarder adding to the sparkle of the larger stone. Two small fleur-de-lis?s lead to the simple, narrow band. Very simple. Very elegant and ? strangely enough ? fit me perfectly. Was that because Mitch?s grandmother and I just happened to share the same ring size, or had my remarkably romantic fianc? ? that seemed like such a weird thing to call Mitch... my fianc? - figured out my ring size and had the ring sized to fit me? I didn?t care and asking would have ruined the romantic magic of the moment. When, at last, we were headed back to our room, I found myself constantly looking at my left hand to admire the elegant, old fashioned look of the ring and to assure myself that I hadn?t lost it. It had suddenly become the most important thing in the world to me. "Do you like it?" Mitch asked. I smiled and let out a little laugh. "I do. Thank you. I never imagined that I?d ever be wearing an engagement ring, or that you would have been the one who gave it to me." We stopped on the walkway, in the light of the burning tiki torches, with the moonlight playing on the waves and Mitch placed his warm, soft lips on mine and hugged me tightly as we kissed so sweetly that I thought I might melt. We probably would have stayed there all night if one of Mitch?s colleagues hadn?t been passing and slapped Mitch on the back and said, "Hey, get a room, you two," as he passed. We walked through the lobby, still receiving congratulations from strangers, took the elevator to our floor, entered our room and during the course of that short journey, I hardly stopped looking at the ring. I thought about it?s beauty, about it being a symbol of Mitch?s commitment to me and mine to him. I thought about it as a symbol of Mitch?s family. I remembered his grandmother. She was a lovely lady. She lived next door to Mitch?s parents and we spent a lot of time there when we were kids. I remember her as one of the few people outside of my family who always wanted a hug from me, even when I was a teenager. Every time we saw each other, her first sentence to me was always, "Come on, Donnie. Come and give your Nana a hug." Now, as I wore her ring, it was like she was hugging me, again, and the thought of her hugging me almost made me cry. Suddenly, I missed her horribly and that made me miss my mother, too. "Are you crying?" Mitch asked, concerned. I looked up from my ring and smiled at him. "I guess so, but... I was just thinking about my mom... and Nana. I miss them and... as much as I wish they were here so I could share this moment with them... I wonder what they?d think about it ? you and me... engaged." Mitch put his arm around me and guided me to the couch, where we sat and both looked at the ring. "Your mom," he said as he looked at the ring, "was thrilled when Marie announced that she had fallen in love with Hilda. She would think about all of her kids; one daughter divorced and bitter, one daughter married to a man and miserable, one daughter married to a woman and happy as can be, and then she?d ask you if you were happy. If you told her you were, then she?d kiss you and tell you that?s all that mattered." I let out one sad laugh. He was right, of course. All my mom ever wanted was for us to be happy. "And as for my Nana," Mitch?s voice changed a bit when he thought about her, "she would be hugging both of us, then taking you out into her kitchen to show you where she kept her recipes for this occasion and that occasion and telling you how beautiful you?d become and how happy she was for both of us." He squeezed me and kissed my temple. "And your mom? What does she think of all of this?" I asked, genuinely concerned. Mitch worshiped his parents. His mom was a teacher and his dad a physician, both very successful in their fields, and Mitch lived to make them proud. I would hate to become a wedge that separated them. He laughed. "You know, that night we went out to dinner. You wore that soft, black sweater and that long, plaid skirt? Well, I snuck a few pictures of you because I couldn?t believe how beautiful you?d become. The next day, my mom asked about the trip and you and everything and I showed her the pictures. She was blown away and said, ?I wouldn?t let her get away if I were you, Mitchell.? Then, when I called home the other day and I asked her to send my cuff links and Nana?s ring, she nearly screamed herself hoarse with excitement. She yelled into the other room and told my father and I heard him yell back." Mitch lowered his voice to imitate his father?s serious tone. "?It?s about time those two came to their senses and settled down.? So... I think they?re happy." Mitch asked when I?d like to get married. I told him it didn?t matter to me. I repeated what I?d said on the beach, ?Anytime. Anywhere.? He asked if I?d like a big wedding or a small one. I replied small, since my only friends were Mitch, Hilda and Marie ? and Marie, of course, would have to act as my maid of honor. "You have more friends than you think," Mitch chuckled. "Maybe Donald didn?t have a lot of friends, but the women on this trip all seem to love Dawn. I hear it from their husbands and the women stop me and tell me how much they like you and how happy they are to have met you. Bev and Jodi act as if you?re their daughter ? BOTH OF THEM behave like mothers when they talk about you. They?re already planning everything for you." He laughed again. "If this trip doesn?t bankrupt me, this wedding probably will." That actually worried me. Yes, I still owned my house, barely, and I still could keep the lights on, but I was treading very close to bankruptcy and I didn?t want Mitch to find himself in the same boat. "Mitch, you?re not serious, are you? I mean... this trip... the extravagance of it... I told you not to spend that kind of money..." "Relax, relax, relax," he laughed. "I was making a joke. Here," he pulled out his phone and opened an app, then showed it to me. "This are my savings and checking balances. I also have a savings account in another bank to keep money aside for emergencies and I have a pretty healthy investment portfolio. We?re fine. We?re better than fine, Donnie... we?re... comfortable." The numbers made my eyes bulge. I had no idea that Mitch was this... ?comfortable.? I mean, he wasn?t about to go buy a yacht or anything, but... wow! I sighed. "That?s... that?s great, Mitch, but you know that?s not why I said ?yes,? right? I mean... it took a while, but I think I finally know what I want from life." "And what?s that?" "To be with you. To be your... wife. I?m sure of it, Mitch. I?m staying like this... forever." He hugged me. "That?s great, Donnie. I mean... either way would be great, but... you?re different this way. You seem... happier. More... I don?t know... comfortable." That was certainly true. I really had found my bliss. I let out a big, dramatic sigh and said, "Well, now I have to do something very, very UNcomfortable." I stood and grabbed my purse from the end table. Mitch seemed surprised. "What do you need to do? Untape yourself? That?s got to be uncomfortable." I looked at him with an expression that said I was shocked that he would even make such a suggestion. "Do I talk about your personal areas!? No, I don?t, because I?m a lady and I?d thank you not to talk about mine, sir! EVER AGAIN!" He laughed at my indignation while I took out my phone and took a picture of my left hand. Then asked, "What do you have to do That?s so uncomfortable, then?" I showed him the picture I?d taken. "I have to text Marie, Hilda and Nancy, the three women in my life most likely to say ?I told you so,? and tell them that they were all right. It?s going to be a long night."