Batwoman meets Catwoman Part One
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These are based on persons that I have had the disadvantage to have known. The stories are based on facts that are real, with a great deal of distorting the facts to make a better story. At least better in my opinion. If anyone thinks they recognize themselves in these stories, then I truly pity them.
SHE WAS NOT A PRETTY WOMAN
She was not a pretty woman, in fact she was borderline hideous. The first time I saw here was years ago in a store that her father managed. She was badly in need of a shave, well there were 4 on her chin, 5 sticking off of her neck and 2 sticking out of the top of her nose, all of them over 2 inches long. She was built like a barrel, just round all over. Someone said that if she slipped on some ice that she would rock herself to sleep and freeze to death.
She was working at the snack bar. I never did figure out why she glared at my wife the way she did, but if looks could kill she could give Jim Jones a run for his money with that one. There were 3 of us, wife, child and me. We were going to get a snack to hold us over while we went to the movie next door. We decided to skip that idea and left.
Fast forward about 10 years, I was at work one day when they brought in a new co-worker. It’s kind of hard to forget that woman. She proved herself to be a competent worker, and we sort of got along. She had gotten married, the guy was rather handsome. Not that I would date either of them. She liked to bowl and hunt, rode a motorcycle.
There was a conversation about her tattoos one day. My thought was ‘If the good lord wanted me to be covered with different colors and designs, he would have put them there.
She always took time off the attend The Westminster Dog Show, I did not have the balls to ask if she was entered or watched.
She had some of the worst emotional problems I ever ran across. She would rant and rave, then cry real tears and then the next minute she was back to normal. In short she was not the ideal girl friend, not for me any way.
I always thought of a roller coaster called the Mad Mouse. It was not fast, but there were 90 degree turns and sudden drops, it looked like the thing was going to tip right off the track at any moment.
About a year after she started to work there she got really friendly with me, started to tell me about her dates and crap that I had no desire to here about. I asked, ‘Aren’t you married?’
Yep, she was but he had turned into a drunk.
No shit man!! If I was married to you I might consider it too. Now, I couldn’t say that to her, but who was going to stop me from thinking it.
Shortly after that her husband found his balls and went for a divorce. The grounds, she cheated. 3months later she started dating the 82nd Airborne Division, and half of the 5th Fleet. She told me ‘I could have her any time I wanted.’ I responded that I was very happily married and could only be friends with her.
She was transferred to midnight shift soon after, she needed the money from the shift differential. 5 years later she came back to day time to run the department, I was offered the position first. I did not want to be the ‘whipping boy’ for the new management and turned it down. I just sang my songs and ran my machines and tried to stay in my own little world.
17 months later, after 19 years in the plant I was fired. Why, because I did not know how to do the job.
It was the happiest day of my life.
LIZZIE
Lizzie can not keep her legs closed no matter how hard she tries. She is married to my cousin Gene, he’s hung like a 4 year old on steroids. The man is 5 foot tall, weighs about 250, all muscle. There are 2 muscles that never developed, both involved heads.
Anyway Lizzie ‘dates’ anybody who will ask her, Male, female, animal, plant or mineral. She has dated all forms of matter.
She used to rub Gene’s face in it all the time, figuratively, not literally. Poor Gene could not understand why she treated him so badly. Lord the love bug got him good on that one.
They had dated all through high school, no one dared to challenge him over the right to date Lizzie. He would have tied them into knots. She was saving her self for marriage, so she had no idea what he was endowed with. He had the biggest hands and feet in town, so he must be hung. Things went fine for the first 4 years of their marriage, then she got a glimpse of another fellow, his trunks fell down when climbing out of the pool. Even with shrinkage from the cold water he made Gene look pretty bad. Lizzie took about 4 months to work up to the point that she had to try on of those other guys, Gene be damned.
Lizzie talked Gene into working 2nd shift down at the packing company, because the pay was better. As soon as she felt comfortable with his new schedule she was running all over tying every guy she could find. She found a bar about 3 miles out of town and the party never stopped, until 11:30, so she could be home in time for Gene. Soon Gene felt like he was waving his junk out a window when he and Lizzie were in bed together. It took Gene about 6 months to realize he was getting sloppy 32nds each night. His masculinity was overwhelmed and he was no longer able to perform, so he told me later.
The last I heard Lizzie was carrying AIDS, genital warts, herpes and Hepatitis C. She and Gene are still married, although he kicked her out about a year ago.
Gene has tested clean for the last 2 years, he does not have a one of those treats. He has life insurance on Lizzie for over 2 million dollars, and faithfully makes the payments every month.
Maybe Gene has been working on the upper head.
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